The ALL-NEW Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend England cliche Predictions Game

[Rob1981]

Right, this is pretty simple. Predict how many 'cliche points' Clive and Andy will rack up tomorrow during Brazil v Croatia. This is based on their constant squeezing in of unnecessary references to England and the Premier League.

Closest wins the round, I will try and do another round for each set of games.

ABOUT THE VENUE

1. 1 point if they mention that one of the other World Cup matches in the Sao Paulo stadium is England v Uruguay – "England will be here in a week's time" etc. Scores 2 if they then ponder the chances of England getting back there a second time for a potential Semi Final.

2. 1 point for a reference to the temperatures in Sao Paulo and how they compare to the conditions England will face in Manaus.

BRAZIL v ENGLAND

3. 1 point for any reference to a previous Brazil v England World Cup game – 1954, 1962, 1970 or 2002 (max score 4). 1 bonus point if they remind us that Phil Scolari was in charge of Brazil back in 2002 when they put England out in the Quarter Final. Another bonus point for a mention of Scolari being in charge of Portugal when they beat England at Euro 2004 and at the 2006 World Cup. Another bonus point if they remember Scolari turning down the England job when Sven Goran Eriksson resigned. Another bonus point if they mention Scolari's brief spell in charge at Chelsea. A final bonus point each time they refer to him as "Big Phil" in that nauseatingly over familiar way.

4. 1 point if they remind us about Brazil losing to England last February in a friendly at Wembley. "So we know they can be beaten, Andy" etc.

5. 1 point if they mention England's friendly in Rio last June to reopen the Maracana. Scores 2 if it is accompanied by a reference to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain's 'wonder goal'.

6. 1 point if they remember that the last time Brazil failed to get out of a World Cup group was in England in 1966. Scores 2 if they blame the choice refereeing by our officials.

BRAZIL SQUAD

7. 1 point whenever David Luiz is referred to as "Chelsea's David Luiz" or "David Luiz of Chelsea", or some reference is made to his recent Chelsea performances. Scores each time this is heard.

8. As above, 1 point for each Fernandinho / Manchester City

9. As above, 1 point for each Paulinho / Tottenham

10. As above, 1 point for each Oscar / Chelsea

11. As above, 1 point for each Ramires / Chelsea

12. As above, 1 point for each Willian / Chelsea

13. As above, 1 point for each Julio Cesar / QPR

14. 1 bonus point if they refer to Brazil having four Chelsea players in their squad even if they are not specifically all mentioned by name

15. 1 point for a reference to "Liverpool’s Lucas Leiva" being on the standby list but not making Brazil's final squad.

16. 1 point if they mention Dani Alves scoring for Barcelona when they played Man City in this season's Champions League

17. 1 point if they mention Thiago Silva or Maxwell playing for Paris SG when they played Chelsea in this season’s Champions League. Scores 2 if both players are mentioned.

18. 1 point for a reference to Hulk scoring against Liverpool when Zenit played them in the Europa League in 2012-13

19. 1 point if they mention Dante playing against any English club for Bayern Munich this season (max score 4 as Bayern played Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal and Man Utd).

20. 1 point for a reference to Jo being a former Man City or Everton player. 2 points if both clubs are named. 1 point for a reference to Maicon's brief spell at Man City in 2012-13. Double points if they give the impression that either of these players struggled to handle the pace of "The Premier League Game".

CROATIA v ENGLAND

21. 1 point if they reveal that Croatia haven't faced England at a World Cup, but played them in Euro 2004. Scores 2 if they mention current Croatia manager Niko Kovac being on the pitch that night. 3 points if they say Croatia were terrorised by a fearless 18-year-old Wayne Rooney and don't mention them taking the lead after 5 minutes when we fell asleep at a set piece.

22. 1 point if they remind us Croatia missed out on the 2010 World Cup because they finished behind England in qualifying – Theo Walcott in Zagreb etc. Scores double if this is cited as 'revenge' for Croatia beating England to Euro 2008.

23. 1 point for a reference to Croatia's last World Cup game being the 2006 Group Stage game vs. Australia when Graham Poll showed 3 yellow cards to one player. Doesn't score if they mention the game in general terms and don't mention Graham Poll, but of course they will.

CROATIA SQUAD

24. 1 point whenever Dejan Lovren is referred to as "Southampton’s Dejan Lovren" or "Dejan Lovren of Southampton", or some reference is made to his recent Southampton performances. Scores 1 bonus point if they ponder his future at the club once the Shaw/Lallana/Lambert triumverate have all been sold.

26. As above, 1 point for each mention of Nikica Jelavić at Everton or Hull.

27. 1 point if they mention Stipe Pletikosa's loan spell at Spurs in 2010 when he only played one game.

28. 1 point if they refer to Vedran Corluka as a former Man City / Spurs player. Scores 2 if they mention both clubs.

29. 1 point for a reference to Luka Modric's Spurs career.

30. 1 point if they talk about Eduardo's spell at Arsenal. Immediately scores double when they mention the leg injury against Birmingham.

31. 1 point if they reference Niko Kranjcar pulling out of the squad after being injured in the QPR v Derby playoff final.

32. 1 point if they mention Slaven Bilic's time as Croatia manager, even though he left the job two years ago. Only scores if they then refer back to his career with Everton or West Ham, or his masterminding of the Euro 2008 qualifying victories over England.

[Astafjevs]

Haha, this is awesome. Wp.

[Bootador]

Oooh. Who's counting though?

[Rob1981]

I will count. My decision/interpretation of the scoring being final.

If you like, you can all come up with one additional cliche that I may have overlooked - to be used in the event of a tie

[ri916]

I'll go for 20.

[Rhino]

39 please

[Bootador]

I guess 24 points!

My bonus cliche is commenting on how the Brazillian side has a decidedly English feel about it and is rather more workmanlike than the teams of yesteryear.

[Andrew!]

I'm going to say 22

[Stfc mason]

I'm going to go with 26

[Pukey]

I'll say 21. Might be a good drinking game as well tbh.

[daylight]

Nicely played Rob.

It has to be quite high this, the sheer amount of points for each player being referred to their English clubs will jack it up.

I will take a stab at 47 points.

[Razzler]

I think they are very likely to hit all of those

26, for me

[CaptainPlanet]

Need 1 point every time Townsend says something really really obvious, like "he just tackled him", "if that was a couple of feet to left it would have gone in" etc.

[Rob1981]

Not really England references though. Start your own stating-the-bleeding-obvious prediction game

[pearcey_90]

48.

Another cliche could be the standard "It's hot/warm here". No ****.

[The_jagster]

A reference to the pace of the game being similar/slower/faster than we're used to most weeks.

Brazil being a threat from a corner and this somehow related to the fact many of the players have PL experience.

[JD nawrat]

Honestly think there's a good chance of all of these being completed. No joke.

Will go for the highest registered score (at time of posting) and say we'll see at least 50 points scored. Specifically... hmmm, I'll say 57 points.

[Kain]

Will go for 51. I feel like I've already heard the commentary for the match after reading the list.

[EdL]

I know not strictly related but surely for any of these there has to be a massive bounus for "That night in Barcelona"

[bdcuk]

46, Andy Townsend is just dreadful.

[gillsminnow]

36 .

[hilly_boro]

55 .

[adhikapp]

Must get 50

[ssestig]

Whatever the maximum amount of points is.

[Razzler]

Missed a trick on Hodgson/Switzerland/1994/England didn't make it mentions here btw

[Rob1981]

Good shout. "Last time WC was in the Americas, England weren't here. But Roy Hodgson brought Switzerland" etc. Best accompanied by a smug chortle at their own cleverness.

[Jason the Yank]

I'll go 83, based one of the "scores each time" a player's connection to an English club is mentioned.

[Just-Wool]

Very high points total, we talking just the match itself? Or can we extend this to that tit Chiles? He's just as bad as the others.

[TM]

I'll go for about 75, almost as if the match script has been written in the OP

the club mentions for players, the 1994 Hodgson there/England not there ones are probably certainty. Would say the Southampton/Loveren stuff will happen as well as it ties into players in the England squad

[Andyh21]

lets go for 32 points

[DandyDon]

I'll go for 63, relying on Andy to get me 30 odd points before half time

[ham_aka_stam]

I'll reckon they'll easily hit 60.

I'm going to go for 66 for equally clicheed reasons.

[jmr]

I'm open for suggestions on more Andy Townsend mannerisms/clichés I can include.

[Rob1981]

Very high points total, we talking just the match itself? Or can we extend this to that tit Chiles? He's just as bad as the others.

Only counting Clive and Andy, but I will accept anything they say during the opening ceremony if they are on the mic, as well as what they say during the game.

[Just-Wool]

Only counting Clive and Andy, but I will accept anything they say during the opening ceremony if they are on the mic, as well as what they say during the game.

I'm going with 72 points then.

[Rob1981]

Must be some more entries for this? Opening ceremony starts at 7.15 apparently, so you have until about ten past seven if Clive gets a handover to cover it live. Otherwise until about ten to nine

[pearcey_90]

You doing it from start of coverage or as soon as 1st whistle goes?

[Rob1981]

Once Clive and/or Andy are on the mic. So they might start as the teams come out. Or they might do a bit of the opening ceremony 'live' then hand back to the studio in between.

[pearcey_90]

This could potentially be near the 100 mark then

[Glenn Wakeford]

I'm open for suggestions on more Andy Townsend mannerisms/clichés I can include.

"He almost hit that TOO well!"

[CaptainPlanet]

61 .

[Rob1981]

Entries so far:

Jason the Yank       83
TM                   75
monkeywool           72
ham_aka_stam         66
DandyDon             63
CaptainPlanet        61
JDownie              57
hilly_boro           55
Kain                 51
adhikapp             50
pearcey_90           48
daylight             47
bdcuk                46
Rhino                39
Gillsminnow          36
Andyh21              32
Razzler              26
Stfc mason           26
Bootador             24
Andrew!              22
Pukey                21
ri916                20

ssestig went for maximum available, so I will award the points there if it goes over whatever the highest other guess is

[midgetram]

Amazed the highest score predicted is only in the 80s, I can't see them deviating away from this for the whole 90 minutes. Going to go for 107 as my prediction.

[Rob1981]

He's on \o/

[KevinLFC]

70 am I too late for this ****?

[Haguey]

I think were already on about 7

[Rob1981]

I've got him on 3 so far

1 point if they mention that one of the other World Cup matches in the Sao Paulo stadium is England v Uruguay – "England will be here in a week's time" etc.

Nailed that within about 10 seconds, then a couple of unnecessary references to the temperatures in Manaus and the fact you can travel there by boat.

[CaptainPlanet]

At this rate I'm going to start missing Pleat and Beglin

[Haguey]

Few points there

[SpillBlood]

I'll go with 26.