Blacksquare Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I agree, Its like Ledley King. He is still the Tottenham Captain although Keane has taken the armband onfield regardless if King is in the side or not.On the otherhand you can not replicate this in the game unless you just leave them captain and just let your vice captain be the one you want as onfield captain. Except now Keane doesn't play either lol. So Dawson gets it. Except when he is injured who then is someone else. LOL! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blacksquare Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 It's all about expectations innit? If he'd done all that then didn't score then they probably are going to be unhappy. Thats true. You have to see the Brazilian media scolding Ronaldinho when he didn't score in some useless international friendly, although he probably gave a ton of assists. Its just like when Dunga wins everything under the sun and the Brazilians fans go "winning isn't enough, we need to win with flair and more goals". And this is literally true. Anyways, AsstMan: "Your backup keeper should be involved in more matches!" Me: "okay do that when you manage the next match. Btw whats your position on rotating?" AsstMan: "Clearly I'm against rotating. Doesn't my file statesthat my rotation stat is listed as 1 out of 20." Me: ">_> Yes Yes it does. It also says your contract will not be renewed." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
mackemforever Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 Me as Sunderland manager September 3rd, 2009 Me - So Kenwyne, I have faith in you so have a new contract. How does £25,000 per week for 4 years sound? Jones - Not good enough. Give me £35,000 per week and i'll stay. Me - OK, I have faith in you. Jones signed a 4 year contract at £35,000 per week. 3 months and 15 games later he is yet to score or get an assist. He is constantly complaining about my management too. He was transfer listed in January. January 5th, 2010 Me - We need to talk Kenwyne. I'm not happy with your performances and you are obviously not happy here so I am going to let you move. Jones - Ok, pay me £35,000 per week for the rest of my contract and I will leave. Me - Hang on, you want me to pay you your full wage for leaving? Jones - What, you expected it to be easy to get rid of me? Me - Ok, which club do you want to move to? Jones - Athletico Madrid. Me - So a club thats offering £5 million for you, when your wages for the rest of your contract would be £6.4 million. I'm not going to pay you and you will regret it if you don't move because of it. Jones - Looks like I'm staying then. Jones rejected all contract offers because I refused to continue paying him after he leaves. January 6th, 2010 Me - Kevin, can I have a word? (Kevin Ball, my best coach). Ball - No problem boss, what is it? Me - You know Jones, I think he would make a really good central defender, make sure thats what he trains for. Kenwyne Jones will spend the rest of his contract sat in the reserves, on his on training schedule designed to destroy all his stats except a few select defensive stats. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUTactician247 Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 To Jermaine Pennant "Ok Jermaine, I believe missing 2 training sessions is worthy of a 2-week fine so stop crying to the media that it was unfair" To scout "I thought Darville was "fairly good" but funnily enough everyone else says he is "far from good enough" so give me 1 reason why you shouldn't be sacked right now!!!" To Bordeaux manager "You'd better tell me who's spying on my team's scouts!!" I found a quality regen called Borysevich and when I enquired for him they wanted 1.7 M, his value was 1.1 M, this was slightly out of my budget so I declined. a few weeks later Bordeaux come in with a bid of 750,000 they accept and now he's set for Bordeaux, how I regret not offering that much in the first place Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CityAndColour Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 I understand you're not going to respond every time an opposing manager comments on you as if you did, you wouldn't have time to manage your own side, but that's a bit hypocritical to say when you fired the first verbal shots. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe__the__man Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Blah blah Kenwyne Jones is a nob Love it. I'm exactly the same as you, I'll never pay them to leave my club! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic Taylor Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Love it. I'm exactly the same as you, I'll never pay them to leave my club! It depends whether or not you'll be paying more or less in the long run. If it's less, then you should seriously consider it. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgar555 Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Joe Jordan: Here boss I've noticed we struggle against the 3-3-2-2 formation. Me: What the one with the sweeper? The one that in 5 years at the club we've never faced, even in a friendly? Is that the one? Joe: Aye, that one! Me:You are an idiot, the next time Man City decide that it'll be your week to be poached, you are out of here! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
brod_104 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Press ahead of FA Cup tie with Chelsea: "How are you going to approach this game?" Me: "I'm not prepared to discuss the tactics for this match, maybe next time." 2 questions later Press: "How are you going to approach this game?" Me: "As I've already said, I'm not prepared to discuss the tactics." Press: "The public will want to hear a proper answer from you. How are..." Me: "I'm sure the public do want to hear an answer. I'd quite like Megan Fox to walk through my front door wearing very little. We don't always get what we want do we?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Devvy06 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 "What is it about 'I expect a win' that you shitbags read as 'I expect a demonstration of abject complacency'? eh? eh? EH!!??" ~That is the only team talk that WORKS for me, anything else and my players stand around and do nothing! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pompey13 Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 Got to bump this thread, it is hilarious! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
SVM Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 So Mr. assistant manager, this is the 35th game of the season. So far this season you haven't been able to see anything worth noticing before the game. Like are some players nervous or complacent. Btw have you noticed, that some of our players don't speak English? No? So in addition of you being blind you're also deaf. Goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
uusinjsh Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 [when shoot-out score is 8:8] ''Noooo not another 41:40 penalty shoot-out, olympic hockey game is about to begin..!'' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicky Lead Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 "Now, knock it back to the goalkeeper! Good man. Wait, Felipe, what the hell are you at? Get back in goals! Stop the bloody ball, stop it! Alright, good goal Leicester" this made me chuckle!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jnrsnes Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 The fans are very unhappy with the signing of Ebi Smolarek (About a day after I signed him.) 1 week later... The fans are delighted with the signing of Ebi Smolarek He went from Very Poor to Superb on the confidence in 1 week. Make up your minds, fans! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
aza Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 Player X Demands new contract. (offers) Player X will not sign with your club while his future remains in balance. Player X has been sold to club X --------------------- Vidic dislikes manager 2 days later.. Vidic sold to Real Madrid Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DirtyACE Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 The fans are very unhappy with the signing of Ebi Smolarek (About a day after I signed him.)1 week later... The fans are delighted with the signing of Ebi Smolarek He went from Very Poor to Superb on the confidence in 1 week. Make up your minds, fans! LOL, reminded me of my acquisition of Artem Milevskyi, but mine is slightly different. I get the same message "The fans are unhappy with the signing of Artem Milevskyi" His first game as a starter he bags a hat-trick. The following week... "The fans think the signing of Artem Milevskyi is an abomination" WHAT!?!?! Should have probably called a press conference at the time to give the finger to the so called fans. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic Taylor Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 John Davies is concerned about Maidenhead United's dominance in the height department. Coach Jamie Beckett strongly disagrees with this advice. ... Is it that hard, boys? EDIT: I've figured it out! The opposition manager wants to confuse me by putting his players in the wash before the game and shrinking them. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koki Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 My Ass Man at the press conference: 'I guess the early goal was the key'. (We won 1-0) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattdamon1990 Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Everton have made an aproach for coach 1, Coach 1 accepts new contract at Man City Everton Have Made an approach for coach 2, Coach 2 accepts new contract at man city Everton have made an approach for coach 3, Coach 3 accepts new contract at man city 1 week later Everton have made an approach for coach 1.............. for f***s sake Everton noone likes you Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
scalascione Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 AssMan: Boss, Leo van Driel and Lee Peel (both regens) are unhappy with the purchase of Edgar Santos. They feel that the team has too many strikers. Me: Tell them that they are both part of my first team plans. They have each played over half of the league/cup/Europa League games this season. With Eto'o retiring there will be even more playing time for both of them. AssMan: They said they're sorry for the public outburst. Me: That's good. AssMan (Not 2 days later): They're morale has just fallen though the floor even though they both played the last game. Me: What the f*** do you want me to tell them? They're going to play for the rest of the season, next season, and the season after that. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
tom_numbers Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Your scout recommends signing Wayne Rooney. He believes the striker could really benefit the team. Cheers mate, but you know, I think I could have spotted that one meself. See if you can find anyone a bit, you know, a bit less well-known. Your scout recommends signing Cesc Fabregas. He believes the midfielder would significantly improve the midfield. Well, I think you're kind of getting it, but I was thinking quite a lot less well-known, so have another look around. Your scout recommends Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina. Excellent! You go and sign him up then. I'd get him myself but I'm all skint from signing everyone else you recommended. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragonheat Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 " fans upset the leaving of peter jones " mmm I can't see why they might be upset considering never played one sodding match in the seven years he was at the club not even an appearance for the reserve. I even tried selling him for nothing. stupid fans Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xechs Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 "Wayne Rooney is unhappy with lack of first team football" "now wayne try to understand this.....august 16th first game of the season you get injured in 4 minutes for 7 months, it is now april and you are 82% fit......still want first team football in front of pato and muniain??? how about you impress me in training first.....oh thats right, your still off in light training on your own!!!! a**hole!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bAtesy Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 "What do you mean we struggle against teams with who play a normal defencive line? What do you mean we struggle against teams with who play normal tempo? What do you mean we struggle against teams with who play with normal width? Lets face it, we normally struggle!" Lmao. I can definitely relate to this. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayahr Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Ass man: "Boss, the team seriously feels we are underperforming. Maybe they are right. Maybe, you know, they should try and settle this among themselves without us. What about asking the captain to call a team metting and raise morale? Maybe then we'll win again." Me: "AssMan? We are topping the table by 6 points and nobody expected us up there. We won our last 4 matches in a row. I'm sure if the team is depressed about that, they surely need more than just a team meeting to get over it." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ugen64 Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 One of my coaches has noticed that Luton struggle against teams who play a 3-3-2-2 formation.Show me just a single team in England who plays 3-3-2-2... gotta be Gary Johnson right? right now he's got Newcastle in the top half of the Premiership playing 3-3-2-2 in my game Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roy Race 9 Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 ass man''praise player 'a' due his recent form'' I do it.................player 'a' profile changes to unhappy-thinks he doesnt have to do much etc etc:thdn: ass man......interact with potential transfer target tell him you admire him:thup: do this.... result-transfer target dislikes me/players in his position at club become unsettled:rolleyes: great the old ass man,isnt he;) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ugen64 Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 assman: "I think the left back should stop arguing with officials." me: "OK" coach: "hang on a second, that's a bad idea" me: "no you're dumb" later that day... coach: "hey, uh, can I withdraw a bet please?" bookmaker: "yeah, which one?" coach: "uh, I put down 100 quid that our left back would lead the league in red cards..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indi75 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Share Posted March 1, 2010 My Ass Man at the press conference: 'I guess the early goal was the key'.(We won 1-0) Yeah, but surely scoring it early was still pivotal? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic Taylor Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Me: Defenders! What are you doing?! Mexes: I've never seen someone stand as still as you did. You should take up a career in musical statues. Toure: I don't care about the fact you had to get back from the opponent's box to defend. As I told you to 'stay back at all times', that's what I expect you to do. Srna: I really don't know what to say, except good dying fish impression! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave emrys Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Craig Shakespeare, who when it comes to giving tactical advise on opponents its a mute before the start of a game. You dispense your own wordly advise about closing down etc. Invariably due to twin strikers inability to hit the target from three yards out and oppositions unerring ability to find the net from 40 plus yards at half time and 3-0 down he suddenly becomes the fountain of all knowledge. Think hes after my job the sneaky little git!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minkaro Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 "Sergio Aguero should be encouraged to dribble with the ball down the right." Well, I'd rather he stay central, but if you like... *two weeks after he's learnt it* "Sergio Aguero should be asked not to dribble down the right" ...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cockney Hammer Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 "What do you mean we struggle against teams with who play a normal defencive line? What do you mean we struggle against teams with who play normal tempo? What do you mean we struggle against teams with who play with normal width? Lets face it, we normally struggle!" Like that Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveDM Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Oh my goodness, what a way to waste an afternoon at work! Epic post. Cheers everyone. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Almondo Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Media report: The fans are disappointed about the 3:2 loss against Liverpool in the 4th round of the League Cup. Me: Oh really. What do they expect from us. We're Boston ******* United and I think it's better that we're in the highest ever division we've been in. What do they want? Us to win every competition we fracking enter? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oypus Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 "Sergio Aguero should be encouraged to dribble with the ball down the right."Well, I'd rather he stay central, but if you like... *two weeks after he's learnt it* "Sergio Aguero should be asked not to dribble down the right" ...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- I had this EXACT thing. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rekobeto Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 "The opposition striker haven't scored nor hit the target in like 1000 minutes of game-time. We should probably concentrating on more important things like watching the grass grow instead of closing him down." "If you're in front of the opposition player. Tackle him anyways. just to make sure he doesn't get you first." "You haven't conceded a goal in 7 matches in a row, now we go up against some random weak team. Try closing your eyes everytime they shoot, just for fun" "My phone is ringing. My scout, maybe he found a jewel in the making ... Tevez? Carlos TEVEZ?!?!? Of course I've heard of him, but I hardly think he would join Birmingham!!! You're saying he wouldn't even considerate joining us? If you knew that, why the h**l mention him in the first place? You remember your last paycheck? Good, it was your last!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomManager Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 "There can only be one outcome here!" Then how the **** can he miiss! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pexego Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 (After the 6th draw in the last 10 games, the other 4 are wins) Sembrini (Ass. Manager): We tend to concede more goals in the last 15 minutes of the game. Me: Hey, that's news, considering that we lost 6 points with goals in injury time, conceding 2 in the last 3 minutes of a game. Sembrini: We tend to be complacent against weaker teams. Me: Well, our financial situation @ Pro Vercelli is okay so i can't afford to let you go. But please, please, tell me something that i don't know in order to think, at least, that we need a assistant manager. (next day) Sembrini: Boss, i think we should transfer list Di Paola (CB) because he's not good enough for Pro Vercelli. Me: Aaah, something new. Nice try, but do i need to remind you that he scored 4 in those 10 games, he's on loan, we've already signed him for next season via Bosman, he's got that nice tag "promising" and when he was suspended for one game, we suffer one goal in one shot, an own goal by the way? Hmm, we need money to pay the "finiquito" to "someone"... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lubega Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Face palm. Sometimes I wonder why I even check for back room advice. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
tom_numbers Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Journo: So then, who do you think will win the League this year? Me: Well, since we've won it 7 times in the last decade, including the last three on the bounce, I reckon we're a good shout. Surprise Tottenham nomination for Premier Division ..... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnjo Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 The sadest part about all this is that the AI probably take this advice Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailelya Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 "Togo scouting report from Turkson" "Togo scouting report from Cole" Flippin 'eck Mark Cole you were assistant manager when I was at Nigeria and I quit Nigeria 2 years ago!!! I have Alex Turkson now. Please, GO AWAY. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffy89 Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 What the hell does it take to get a "that was sensational!" response from your Assman after getting a great victory? Beating Rangers 4-0 away from home in my first season as St. Johnstone cleary doesn't cut it! Well done boys, but we can do better, even though we're meant to avaoid bloody relegation! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnarchyAnt Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 "You're fired." -- Brazil board having decided that my 2010 World Cup campaign was horrible. I lost in the semi-finals on penalties having not conceded a single goal the entire cup. "Hey Boss! We really think you should sign this guy. He could really add something to the team!" Ant takes a peek at the report before responding, "I agree Andre, he would make our defense stronger than ever! I only wish we had more than 40k in transfer funds available as you tell me it is likely to take 6.6 MILLION to get him!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
dan_lcfc Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Journalist: You have been Linked with a move for Preston North End's winger Danny Rose. Can you clarify? Me: I have given you the same answer for the last year, and gues what it hasn't changed, however, in the event that you you have lost the other 17 notepads you have written it down in, I shall inform you again. I HAVEN'T PLAYED A WINGER FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS, NOR DO I PLAN TO CHANGE THAT! I AM HAPPY WITH MY 4-3-3. *clears throat* So no, I have no interest in signing that player. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
tom_numbers Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Hey boss! I've found someone! Who is it this time? You know that Danny Rodriguez? The one who's finished in the top three of World Player of the Year for the last 6 seasons? Ahh, you know him boss. Well, I think you should sign him. His value is only £36.5m, and AC Milan probably don't want to sell him, what with his being their best player and all, but he'd be good. Boss, boss! I've found someone else! He plays for Villa, and he's not worth that much. Is it Mark Anders? Ahh, you know him again boss! How do you know him? Well he did play here for 6 years, remember? Made at least two costly defensive mistakes every game, and then eventually fell out with his defensive partner so I sold him at a loss just to get rid. Well, he's done even more averagely for Villa, so I think he'd be perfect to boost our Champions League squad! I bought new much better scouts this summer, so now they all suggest Rodriguez and Anders every window lol. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashbag Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 "Right lads, it's Barcelona tonight, shoot on sight" "Gotcha boss" "NO OSPINA, NOT FROM 100 ******* YARDS!!!" "Linz, the guy's got 6 reflexes, surely with your 17 finishing you could think of something better to do than blast it at his head." "Vogel reckons you should put Huggel on the transfer list" "OK, let's get a second opinion from one of my coaches. Ahh, Huggel, what do you think." "Strongly agree with this." "Vogel thiks that Streller should be encouraged to beat the offside trap" "Well yes, I'll just let Neymar play target man then, shall I?" "Vogel recommends offering Huggel a new contract as his current will expire." "Ok, Huggel?" "I strongly agree." "Make up your ******* mind." "Vogel thinks Matic should be encourage to play less killer balls." "Not a waste of 18 creativity at all." "Vogel thinks Matic should be encouraged to look for a pass not a shot." "What, back to the keeper?" "Vogel thinks Matic should play a simple passing game." "Of course his 18 passing is just too awful to pass any further than 10 yards." "Vogel thinks Matic should attempt first time shots." "Jennings thinks Vogel should see a doctor." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twizted_seed Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Coach X thinks we should scout player Y as he will be a decent prospect for the future..... Scout Report: Player Y may become a decent player for a team 1-2 divisions below you. Seriously. If I send out 15 reports like this, 14 will come back as good or below on the league below mine. The one remaining will either be a leading player in the division below or decent in mine. Why the crapspakle do I want to know about a player that isn't good enough to play for me?!?! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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