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[FM17] If you think you're too small to make a difference you haven’t spent a night with a mosquito


Benjoe

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I don't understand why he'd go to a trial at Kaizer Chiefs rather than with us... :rolleyes:

This is probably the end of our (never-ever-happening) attempt at swaying Fred Bula. :(

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1 minute ago, BoxToBox said:

Probably thinks he's joining the band.

Probably wants to make a cover of 'Ruby' where he's singing Freddy instead...

Our best player just broke his leg as well. Great stuff.

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The opponent runs literally through his back/body, and he breaks his lower leg?! What are his legs made of, dust?!

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9 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

Might have been that initial sweep through that done the damage, still, styrofoam.

Maybe if he hadn't forgotten his ****ing shinguards he'd have been fine... I'm really sad. We can't get Fred, and then our best player at that exact player breaks his leg. What to do then?

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3 hours ago, noikeee said:

I think the coolest thing about Fred Bulali is his haircut. "Messy" doesn't even begin to describe it.

Good point. I like the contrast between his beard and his hair as well. His haircut is extremely messy, as you say, and looks like he just woke up. His moustache on the other hand is a well trimmed, well cared for one. 

2 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

Gianfranco Wenger sounds like the worst pasta dish ever.

Alfredo sauce with pickles?  Are you kidding me?!

*Makes hand gesticulations to seem Italian* You ordere di Gianfranco Wenger dishe eeeeh?! No?! THIS ISSSS Gianfranco.. Wengeeeer! *Kisses his fingertips* 

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With the league finally arriving and a lot of players with our best defender, midfielder and striker out on International duty, and our best attacking midfielder out with a broken leg, expectations were limited ahead of the first game of the season.

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All would be forgotten, though, when Loric 'Congolese Ronaldinho' Ngombo destroyed the opponent with this pass.

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They were without a chance after that pass.

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3 hours ago, Benjoe said:

All would be forgotten, though, when Loric 'Congolese Ronaldinho' Ngombo destroyed the opponent with this pass.

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They were without a chance after that pass.

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It's like he inverted the "Cruyff," while simultaneously dislocating his hip...something I'm quite sure I saw Mumbu inadvertently execute on the dancefloor in Ibiza over the holidays. 

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Little by little grow the bananas

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An excitable September had passed and Nelson was reaping the benefits of a well planned summer and with the transfer window still open more could happen.

Did you just read that right? Nelson planned a summer well? Yes, or perhaps he just got lucky. Yes, that must be it. Luck.

Drawing with Vita Club 2-2 in the preseason had given high hopes and expectations for the season - at least for Nelson. He was often seen wandering around the city screaming and shouting. "

"AS Dragons will win the league this year! Suck on THAT!"

The Director of Football tried to explain to Nelson, that it was only a friendly and that Vita probably hadn't been giving it their all but just building fitness. Nelson ignored it, of course. He was on a rampage.

They started like thunder and lighting though. Six games, four wins, one draw and one loss. Sitting comfortably at third chasing that second place that would give them a playoff this season. 

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19 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

It's like he inverted the "Cruyff," while simultaneously dislocating his hip...something I'm quite sure I saw Mumbu inadvertently execute on the dancefloor in Ibiza over the holidays. 

Mumbu is a mad man when he hits the dance floor!

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Little by little grow the bananas

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The transfer window had closed and the squad was set for the next couple months until the window would open again in December. 

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Lots of money has been used this summer in a bid to chase a playoff spot. "You're trying to buy succes!" Not quite. We're still very far behind the likes of Vita, TP Mazembe, defending champs Sanga Bellend Balende.

Had we not lost Alex 'Massive Twat' Nsumbu there'd been some less activity as well as we've tried to find a replacement for him. Then there was a few opportunistic loan deals with a couple of players who we'd like to buy, but as they come from Vita and Sanga Balende they were quite expensive to buy free, so a loan will do for the time being. We also signed some older players to tutor our youngsters as we really lacked that before.

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Ronald Wee is bought for one of the supporting CM positions. He is solid, and got great technical stats combined with solid physique. Nice deal on a free.

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Ally Seme is bought for a tutor role, but he is capable of putting in a shift as well.

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Agostinho is the first kid we spent money on, and quite a sum as well. He is absolutely brilliant though, and only 18 years old on a very reasonable wage. He'll be a very important part of our 3-man defence. 

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Jules might become more expensive than Agostinho, despite the latter maybe looking better. Jules is no joke, though. He combines a very well rounded physical nature with some decent positioning and good decisions.

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We got a lot of interesting striker options, but no capable tutors. That's where Bayem comes into the picture. Quite a high wage for what is purely a tutor, but we'll pay the price to have him nurture our youngsters.

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Memba was found on a free and with his Congolese (DR) passport he is an attractive player to add to our defence. Not a starter just yet, as we have a few good options besides him, but he'll get there.

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Kamga, however, is a starter for us. 22 Years old and very strong character in this kid. His technical attributes could be better defensively, but he makes up for it with his physique and brain. 

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Lokando came in on loan for a rotation role, but has since taken the starting spot seeing Tagueu getting injured for all of the group stages. He hit this wonder goal in his debut.

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Gwaaaan lad!

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Rotation loan as well. Great talent and hopefully we can edge him out on a free in the future.

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11 minutes ago, kidthekid said:

What is your coaching qualifications right now? Seems like you are now a tactical expert

Continental B License. The board have refused to allow Nelson go for the next the past season. Maybe they'll allow it in the future. The Congo just can't handle The Ween.

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3 hours ago, Benjoe said:

Continental B License. The board have refused to allow Nelson go for the next the past season. Maybe they'll allow it in the future. The Congo just can't handle The Ween.

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This is the first Coach profile I have seen where nobody has you in their best opinion.

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12 minutes ago, kidthekid said:

This is the first Coach profile I have seen where nobody has you in their best opinion.

Isn't the coach profile just showing who Nelson likes and dislikes? 

Still pretty perfect for Nelson not to like a single manager out there...

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On 13/7/2017 at 04:40, ManUtd1 said:

He didn't become a manager to make friends...

But making enemies however...

On 14/7/2017 at 12:19, noikeee said:

Nobody likes his ween.

 

2 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

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That's creeping me out!

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Feels bad not to have updated the thread for more than a week now, but life's been busy lately. I'm not certain when stuff will happen again in Nelson's world, but it'll be somewhat soon!

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59 minutes ago, Benjoe said:

Feels bad not to have updated the thread for more than a week now, but life's been busy lately. I'm not certain when stuff will happen again in Nelson's world, but it'll be somewhat soon!

I blame Mumbu.

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On 21/7/2017 at 02:38, ManUtd1 said:

I blame Mumbu.

That's always a good strategy in life!

On 21/7/2017 at 11:48, deltablue said:

I know I feel there's something missing if I go more than a few days without FM time. 

I usually feel the same way, but these past weeks the inspiration had been lacking somewhat so decided to take a break from it all, and then return when it comes back. Might be a couple days more, but the return is imminent, I feel.

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I just want some quiche, okay?

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Nelson entered the café with a determined gaze. An important decision to be made. So many choices. So many opportunities. So many flavors.

He looked around. No-one interested in helping him deciding, Mumbu standing next to him - not an option of course. 

Slowly. Nervously. Anxiously. 

Nelson nears the cashier who is staring him down with a eerie look. A small grin, almost sinister actually. Nelson is shivering. 

"What can I help you with, my little friend?"

"Wait, did she just call me little?" Nelson mumbled, "Bitch better be ready to get smack-"

"We have fresh and warm quiches if that'd be of any interest?"

Nelson stopped his rage-induced mumbling. 

"Did you say quiche?"

"Yes, and they're fresh! Oh, and warm!"

A low chuckle behind Nelson erupted. It was Mumbu so Nelson, naturally, ignored it.

"I would like quiche then."

She nodded.

"Can I get just like... 12?"

"Did you say 12?" 

"Mmmhmm."

"12 of our quiches?"

"Mhmhmm.."

"...Ehmm.. okay?"


Mumbu's chuckle had turned into full-on laughter. No holding back. 

"QUICHE?!!?!? HAAHAHAHAH" he spat, "is that even a real word, boss!?"

"Nelson walked past Mumbu, who was now rolling around the dirty café floor laughing.

As Nelson sat down on a chair it squeaked beneath his body and he quickly grabbed another chair to sit on, to divide his body mass onto two separate chairs at once. Much better.

As he sat there, breaking chairs with his weight he looked out the window as he took a deep breath. The air inside the café was warm and irritating to breathe. Yet, he stayed, as he recognized a pale man walking past the café. Wasn't that... what was his name... that annoying twat.. oh for crying out loud, what was his name?! Ah, yes, it was - "Sir, your quiches are ready!"

Nevermind about the man then. Time to eat. 

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"Jamie - ****ing - Sewell... Well would you look at that."

 

Minutes before:


"Boss, I don't feel good. I think I just saw a ghost."

"Don't be silly, Mumbu. Sit here, eat some quiche - NO! Not MY quiche - order your own, you worthless..."

"But, me means it, boss. He was really scary. I think, I recoangn... recogniizz... Me thinks I know him, boss!"

"Oh, well, how bad can it be."

"It's bad boss. Me want to run. He is bad man."

The door slams open and an old, pale man with white powder around his nose walks into the café.

"Ohhh, would you look at that sweetheart, ey Billy!"

"She's.. very pretty, I like her, boss."

The waitress was uncomfortable as the old and pale man looked at her, like Nelson looked at quiche. 

"How about this, darling. I go to the bathroom. Drink some "tea", and then you wander your little sweet body out to join me? Don't say no - you can get some tea as well! You won't regret it - I mean, I'm practically ahundred years old. I've been around - I know my way around the female body. You know. *wink wink*."

She was left with her mouth open, and a dead look in her eyes. Terrified by the encounter with Mr Sewell.

"Oh. Billy would you look at that - THAT is a look I recall, haha!"

"Yes. Funny, boss!"

"Shut up, Billy and make some tea ready. I'm bored of this - ohhhh. OHHHHH, well isn't that my old friend!"

The man laid his hands on Mumbu's shoulder as he made kissing sounds with his mouth. *Mtshh Mtshh*"

"Missed me, you big lump?!" he laughed.

Mumbu turned as pale as the man behind him.

 

"Jamie - ****ing - Sewell... Well would you look at that."

Nelson stood up. He grabbed a quiche, the one that was the most burned and threw it at Mr Sewell but a bad throw threw it at Billy instead, who passed out. Seconds later he'd grabbed another quiche, but again, a poor throw meant that Mr Sewell was left unharmed as Mumbu fell to the floor from quiche induced trauma to the head.

"Nelson! My bloated nemesis! How are you - hopefully miserable!"

"I'm better than ever. How are you - have you booked a room with the Devil yet? You know you're going to need one soon with that age of yours."

"That was a real **** comeback. Surely, you know that, right?"

"Well.. I.."

"It's okay. I mean, with all the blood pumping to all of that fat in your body, coming up with jokes must be really difficult."

"Imma punch you in the face!"

"No, no. Be calm. Wouldn't want to stress that overworked heart of your's more than it already is. After all, you still got six - SIX(!) - whole quiches left to devour. Can you not hear how ridiculous that is??"

"I... I was hungry.."

"Well, no worries fatshine, Billy and I was on our ways anyway, ain't that right Billy?"

"YES BOSS. THAT'S RIGHT. WE WERE ON OUR WAYS ANYWAY."

"I'll see you later, Mumbu. ;)" 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Nelson sat back down on the two seats he'd placed next to each other. He sighed, but quickly directed his focus to his remaining six quiches. 

Mumbu was still lying on the floor. Nelson didn't know if he was still breathing - nor did he care. He had quiches to eat!

As Nelson had only two quiches left, the waitress came out to mop the floor. With a worrying look she stared at Nelson, who didn't understand why she was looking.

"NO LADY! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY QUICHES!"

"I don't want your-"

"GWAN LADY! LEAVE ME!"

The waitress sighed and mumbled to herself, "I could have done so much more with my life, but here I am. Mopping the floor with imbeciles surrounding me and coming unto me." 

"Oh! And leave the two quiches on the floor. I'm not done with them!"

"But, mister, they're split into several pieces and our floor hasn't been mopped for more than a month."

"I will not repeat myself. Okay, little miss?" 

The waitress released the mop from her grasp at the same time as Mumbu was returning to life only to get hit by the mop, which subsequently knocked him out again.

The waitress was startled, "I'm sorry mister!"

"Ohhh dun't you worry deer! That lad can't take damage. He is... what do you say... a child mentally already, heh."

The waitress stared at Nelson again, but this time with more disgust in her eyes than when she'd been talking to Mr. Sewell earlier. 

"Come here, you poor thing." 

Mumbu was helped to his feet by the waitress who felt sorry for him. 

"Come - come with me mister, I'll treat you a quiche in the kitchen, yes?"

Mumbu didn't react to anything other than the quiche part. Laughter from the poor fellow once again.

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Leading up to the first game after a 30-day long international break Nelson was out of himself. Mumbu was nowhere to be seen since the day at the café and Nelson had no plans ahead of the important game against the 1st places MK Etanchelte. 

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It showed.

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9 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

Thrilled to see this back, man :thup:

Haven't quite decided if I'm thrilled as well, yet. The next few results will tell. 

Happy to have you aboard, as always!

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When you can't find your peasant, do whatever you have to

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Nelson passed the flyers out as he was sobbing. 

"Where are you, my... my peasant.." 

Months had passed. Mumbu, still away without allowance. Nelson, more and more a wreck without his friend.

Crying, he hanged a full size cardboard cutout of Mumbu on the wall of a local supermarket after making a deal with the owner, Tresor Mango-Mango Bango, who recognized Nelson as the manager who "possessed a great ween and a magical touch - strictly tactically!"

"HAVE YOU SEEN ME? IM BIG, STUPID, AND HAVE AN INNOCENT SOUL. PLEASE HELP ME, IF YOU SEE ME. I CANNOT FIND HOME AND DONT KNOW WHERE I AM. CONTACT NELSON MANDELA JR. OF THE AS DRAGONS IF YOU SEE HIM.

#savemumbu #isthisworking?"

Mr. Mango-Mango Bango was a big fan of Nelson and as such he wanted only an autograph from the ween-maker himself. On his forehead. So he could get it tattooed for a permanent memory. Yup. Good choice. If you have a silly name, the only sensible solution is doing something so silly, that nobody will care for your name. Genius. Mr. Mango-Mango Bango is going places. To a mental hospital that is.

Anyways, despite Nelson desperately trying to postpone his team's fixtures until Mumbu was found he was unsuccessful and they had a massive game against Motema Pembe. A win would send them to second place, tied with Motema Pembe. A loss would be catastrophic for the season. 

 

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11 hours ago, kidthekid said:

surprised to see Mazembe and Vita at the lower end of the possession rankings. I guess they both play a very direct game

I was surprised as well, which was the reason I included the second screenshot of possesion ranks. 

Here are their tactics:

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Both teams have a midfield trio and fullbacks without any other wingers. Vita's with the three strikers could seem a bit direct perhaps, but Mazembe's formation looks like a pretty possesion/dominance oriented one.

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O Mumbu, where art thou? 

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Dressed in all black for the first time of his life Nelson wandered down the streets of Kinshasa. With a face signalling utter pain and sorrow he walked past friend and foe. Some would celebrate him. Some would spit at him. Some would waive their giant foam weens around in salute of The Ween-maker himself. Other's burned pictures of random weens in disgust. 

The mobs were torn between loving and hating this man who was pitted against his old friend, Mumbu. 

...

 

Far before all of this though, Nelson was leading his troops into battle against first placed MK Etanchélté. A win would mean a secured place into the playoffs, a draw could complicate matters and a loss would be very unfortunate. 

As preparation for the match Nelson had his players relaxing for a full week prior to the game. Not a single foot was set on the training fields. Both players and staff had effectively been handed a curfew, or rather housearrest. They were not allowed to set even a single foot outside of their door in fear of them practicing. Meanwhile Nelson was still allowed to leave and he did so often as he searched for Mumbu. 

He traveled far and wide in this enormous country. Standing on top of the Mount Stanley, the tallest mountain in Congo Kinshasa he was at the peak of his search. When he had envisioned the climb of the mountain he was very ambitious ahead of climbing the 5.109 meter tall mountain.

"With ease I shall do it, and with no help!" He'd said. 

Reality was another one, though. 

Standing on top a 3 meter tall kids climbing tower in the local park, screaming and shouting is the one and only, Nelson Mandela Jr... 

"O Mundu! I mean... Mamba! No wait.. that's not right. Monday? Yes, Monday-Monday where are you frien--peasant!? Mondaay... Come back to me..."

 

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O Mumbu, where art thou? pt.2

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Standing on top of the kids climbing tower gave Nelson clear sight. Not mentally, no literally. From the top of the tower he could see straight into the backroom window to the café he'd lastly seen Mumbu. Of all the places he'd hide, and then he was right there all along? No. Nelson was certain. He'd been abducted! Was it by the vile David Moyes who had returned? Was is Mr Sewell? Was it someone even worse? He'd have to find out.

...

"So.. let me get this straight, Monday-"

"it's.. it's Mumbu, boss. Don't you remember?" 

"That's not important! You try to convince me, Nelson Mandela Jr. - the greatest detective, manager, friend, lover and... erh.. did I say lover?"

"You did, boss."

"Okay - but you mean to tell me you've been here all along?!"

"Yes boss. Me have been treated well. Me happy. Me love waitress. She kind to Mumbu. Boss."

Mumbu was smiling, laughing and clapping his innocent little Mumbu hands together.

"This is outrageous! She can't do that! Does she not know who I am, and that I have missed you and searched for you?!" 

"You have boss?" Mumbu's eyes lit up and the smile got broader.

"Yearhh well.. I needed my peasant. No one steal from Nelson!"

As Nelson and Mumbu was talking, the waitress was hiding in a room behind them. She was watching them. This was going right after her plans.

"Let's go Monday!"

"Butbut the waitress-"

"She's of no importance, we have a match!"

Nelson dragged Mumbu out the door and all the way to his office.

The waitress standing in the door of the café staring at Nelson. 

"Just wait. Just you wait for your ween to get slammed in the door. When you find out what my plans are-"

*ding ding*

"Yes! What can I help with? We have freshbaked quiche!"

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He that beats the drum for the mad man to dance is no better than the mad man himself

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Immediately as Nelson had reached his office with Mumbu's collar in his hand he released his grasp of the collar.

"Good. You do press conference thingy now!"

"B-b-but what should me talk about?"

"I don't know. Figure something out! Off you go peasant!"

Mumbu left the office as Nelson fell into his chair and leaned back. Feet on the table and a soft pillow behind his head. This was the good life.

Meanwhile Mumbu had reached the room, in which the press conference "thingy" would be held.

"Where have you been the past months!"

"Ehh.. Que?"

"How are you guys planning to win this game against MK today?"

"Ehm.. Que."

"Do you have planned your celebrations if the impossible should happen and you win today?"

"Que. Oui. QUE!"

...

And that was basically how that all went.. 

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He that beats the drum for the mad man to dance is no better than the mad man himself

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The match would soon unfold as the two teams entered the grassfield that would host today's important fixture.

Nelson decided to walk in front of his own team when entering the pitch. The referees tried to shove him away and onto the restricted area, but Nelson was an immovable force. They eventually gave up, and as such Nelson entered the pitch as the first person, carrying the ball the game would be played with. What a classy way to do it.

Eventually he stumbled off the pitch again and sat on a couple of chairs at their bench until the opponents coaches went to greet Nelson before their game.

"Good lu-"

"Tell me a knock-knock joke!"

"Excuse me, what?"

"You heard me!" Nelson was angry, and laughing maniacally. 

"Erm.. okay.. so.. knock-knock."

"Go away, elephant-face! HAHAHAHA, Mumbu did you hear it!?"

"No, boss. What was it, boss??"

"I just made a fool of their coach." Nelson looked at MK's coach again, "Tell it again!"

MK's coach, Kifuta Mbiyavanga, shook his head, sighed, and left the restricted area of AS Dragons and sat on his own bench as he looked at the ground in despair. A beaten man. A shell of the man he usually was. 

But now the game would start. What a way to start it all off!

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He that beats the drum for the mad man to dance is no better than the mad man himself

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The bookies liked MK's chances the most, same for the so-called experts. A win for either side would secure a 1st place, a draw could complicate things for AS Dragons, and a loss could prove catastrophic for either side.

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The ween facing off against a narrow 4-3-3.

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And as such the game was underway!

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11th Minute: After a missed opportunity to MK, AS Dragons sent a counter attack the other way and with great precision as Touré passed it too Ronald Wee who then played a perfect first time pass to a surging Lokando.

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Lokando was cold in front of goal! 0-1 to the Dragons! 

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Nelson's euphoria sent him diving unto the field in his suit. "YAAAAAAAAAAS!" he screamed as he ran past the MK bench who sent their medic after Nelson to tackle him. After several attempts the medic tried a last tackle, but as he misstimed it he landed in front of the oncoming train that would be Nelson. The medic was carried off the pitch on a stretcher with a broken leg, and Nelson was taped to the chairs on the bench to keep him in place.

12th Minute: Oh well. The MK players were angry at seeing their medic break his leg, and the revenge was quick.

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An open chance for one of their strikers and it was tied at 1-1.

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15th Minute: MK with another chance, this time hammering off the crossbar! Still 1-1.

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22nd Minute: AS Dragons with a chance of their own!

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A good play-through and Abbey is sent running towards goal by himself.

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And he buries it! 1-2 to the Dragons! The tape around Nelson's body miraculously holds! ...It must be gaffa-tape!

34th Minute: AS Dragons' Trésor Bembo-Leta hits the crossbar with a blast from far away!

43rd Minute: One of MK's strikers takes a good cut away from the defenders of AS Dragons and slams a shot at goal, but Kalonji dishes up with an acrobatic save! Still 1-2.

45th+1 Minute: CHAOS! Absolute chaos. AS Dragons had the ball in their own box. Then it sounded like a whistle from the referee had gone and that it was half time. Apparently it wasn't the ref's whistle and before anyone could stop it, MK had put it away for an equalizer! 2-2!

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The confusion is breathtaking!

Aaaaand Nelson is sleeping in his double garden chair setup.. thingy..

 

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He that beats the drum for the mad man to dance is no better than the mad man himself

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Second Half

49th Minute: Second half had barely begun before MK had taken the lead. What looked like a chance for the Dragons ended up with a goal in their own net. Abysmal!

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The rest of the game is closed out by MK who shuts down any attempts from the AS Dragons, who fall short of a draw that could've given them the second place they so desperately craved! Instead, they must see Motema Pembe pass by them as they steal away the second place and a Championship Group Stage ticket.

...

When the players left the arena Nelson was left taped to the chair he'd been sleeping on for the past hour or so. What a sad way for the season to end. So much promise. So much hope. So little pay in return. 

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