[FM 18] If You're Not First, You're Last (Re-Redux) - Redemption for the "Nearly Men" of Europe

[ManUtd1]

Belgrade have not one, not two, but three teams in the Champions League Group Stage.  That's more teams than London, Manchester, Paris...etc.  Epic.  Beautiful.

 

[HawkAussie]

4 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

Belgrade have not one, not two, but three teams in the Champions League Group Stage.  That's more teams than London, Manchester, Paris...etc.  Epic.  Beautiful.

 

That is beautiful to see, Serbia would be rated high then in the rankings I assume.

[Deisler26]

A Serbian Fi...Group Stage

[ManUtd1]

1 hour ago, HawkAussie said:

That is beautiful to see, Serbia would be rated high then in the rankings I assume.

I think they're up to 6 in the rankings...? I'll double check when I get home. 

1 hour ago, Deisler26 said:

A Serbian Fi...Group Stage

[ManUtd1]

2 hours ago, HawkAussie said:

That is beautiful to see, Serbia would be rated high then in the rankings I assume.

Yep -- 6th in the rankings, with 2 Group Stage positions and 1 Best-Placed qualifying slot.  

If they can continue on this trajectory, they'll be the Belgium of this year's save.

  

[Sir_Liam]

I'm loving Serbia's growth, and how your success has led to a big improvement in standards.  With me managing in Russia it's interesting to see that Russia has dropped off quite a few places from the start of the game, which reinforces my theory that I'm single handedly propping up the coefficient in my save, and that the strict rules on foreign players is damaging to the standard of the league.

It was also nice to see Shakhtar become eligible.  Quite random, and a league I've never managed in on FM, despite my love of Eastern European leagues.

[ManUtd1]

1 hour ago, Sir_Liam said:

I'm loving Serbia's growth, and how your success has led to a big improvement in standards.  With me managing in Russia it's interesting to see that Russia has dropped off quite a few places from the start of the game, which reinforces my theory that I'm single handedly propping up the coefficient in my save, and that the strict rules on foreign players is damaging to the standard of the league.

It was also nice to see Shakhtar become eligible.  Quite random, and a league I've never managed in on FM, despite my love of Eastern European leagues.

Thanks, man!  It is always a fun thing to see the in-game world changing -- new prominent clubs/leagues always make saves more interesting to me, and Shakhtar is really outside the box.  The strict foreigner limitations can certainly stunt a league's progression, but if there's enough investment in facilities I think the regen standard across the board can shoot up -- Belgium in the 2017 version of this save being a great example, with the insane regens coming through at Zulte, Oostende, Antwerp, etc.

[ManUtd1]

Fun fact.  Partizan's domestic dominance is insane.  They've gone 295 matches without losing in the Super Liga, a span of nearly 8 years.

 

[ManUtd1]

Top of the table clash with Erik ten Hag's FC Hollywood...a massive night at Borussia-Park.

  

 

[ManUtd1]

Men rarely see their own actions as unjustified.

Borussia Mönchengladbach / Croatia -- November 2033

There are simply not enough hours in the day.  The World Cup qualification campaign has been an utter masterpiece.  1 goal conceded in 10 matches, 9 wins from 10 matches.  We're through with ease.

With Gladbach, we're rolling.  Undefeated in the Bundesliga and Champions League, including a big win over Pep the Bald's Chelsea in London.  We are young, but I don't know if we have what it takes to make a run to the final...in the next year or two, we'll be unstoppable.

That reminds me...I need to ask Zlatan... Was Drake always left-handed?

 

[ManUtd1]

World Cup qualifying update...the biggest surprise being Karl Robinson's England finishing 3rd in Group 9, behind Greece and Turkey.

   

   

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Jesus, you're flying it! A Champions League win isn't too far off I'd say. Maybe a season or two.

[ManUtd1]

We gathered the lads to watch the World Cup draw at Oliver Kahn's local steak restaurant, part of a larger chain, Mad Uncle Ollie's Steakery Haus.  It is rather upscale, no matter what you might think.  I'm sure the health code violations have been resolved.

Belgium, Uruguay and El Salvador...not too bad.  There's definitely something wrong with Drake, as he ordered his 96oz steak well done...he's a rare man.  More than once I've heard he and Zlatan wax philosophic about how a good cut of beef should still be moo'ing when it arrives on your plate.  First, it was his newfound left-handedness, now this.

 

[ManUtd1]

Neymar, you crafty little...one day, he was on the verge of getting sacked at Union Berlin, who are sitting a dismal 16th in the Bundesliga...the next day, he's off at Bournemouth.  Seriously.  The **** fell headfirst into a bucket of **** and somehow managed to come out clean on the other side.

 

[bigmattb28]

10 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

We gathered the lads to watch the World Cup draw at Oliver Kahn's local steak restaurant, part of a larger chain, Mad Uncle Ollie's Steakery Haus.  It is rather upscale, no matter what you might think.  I'm sure the health code violations have been resolved.

Belgium, Uruguay and El Salvador...not too bad.  There's definitely something wrong with Drake, as he ordered his 96oz steak well done...he's a rare man.  More than once I've heard he and Zlatan wax philosophic about how a good cut of beef should still be moo'ing when it arrives on your plate.  First, it was his newfound left-handedness, now this.

 

I'm not being blind am I, England didn't qualify for this World Cup did they? Jesus. I think with a good result against Belgium you should top that group.

[rodesire]

10 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

Neymar, you crafty little...one day, he was on the verge of getting sacked at Union Berlin, who are sitting a dismal 16th in the Bundesliga...the next day, he's off at Bournemouth.  Seriously.  The **** fell headfirst into a bucket of **** and somehow managed to come out clean on the other side.

 

Learning from Lopetegui, pre-failing upwards.

[ManUtd1]

4 hours ago, bigmattb28 said:

I'm not being blind am I, England didn't qualify for this World Cup did they? Jesus. I think with a good result against Belgium you should top that group.

Correct! They finished third in their Group, behind Greece and Turkey (screenshot a but further up this page). 

Belgium has been consistently underwhelming for a while. I'm not going any chickens at this point, but we should be good going through as top.

1 hour ago, rodesire said:

Learning from Lopetegui, pre-failing upwards.

It was an impressive feat. I had a cheeky gif for when he got fired... Saw the Union Berlin position was available and went to their news feed to confirm...only to find that the joke was on me... 

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

2 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

It was an impressive feat. I had a cheeky gif for when he got fired... Saw the Union Berlin position was available and went to their news feed to confirm...only to find that the joke was on me... 

[ManUtd1]

For some time Zlatan has been convinced that Drake is an imposter. That Ilse has our friend locked in a basement somewhere, being brainwashed into fully committing to Reformed Neo-Buddhism.

But for each example he offers as to why this isn't the real Drake there has been a plausible explanation. Sure, he used to be like Paul-Scholes-On-A-Six-Day-Bender in his training sessions when talking about tackling... But he has been playing a lot of FM, and the new training system is really detailed... Perfectly plausible that he'd be a calm, collected Rio Ferdinand type, now.

It wasn't until tonight that I was convinced. Zlatan is right. This isn't our Drake. He's a fake. A drone. An imposter.

The real John Drake would never join us for pho non-sarcastically. I mean, honestly, he went to the best pho restaurant in Gladbach, 'Pho King Beauty,' and didn't even call it stew?!  Not once?!

That's not Drake.

Something must be done.

[ManUtd1]

3 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

I only hope I can use it before too long...I was genuinely disappointed. 

[ManUtd1]

Men rarely see their own actions as unjustified.

Borussia Mönchengladbach / Croatia -- March 2034

We've determined that, if FakeDrake is in fact an imposter, the real Drake must be being kept in the pool house at the Reform Neo-Buddhist compound.  There's an obvious security presence there at all hours of the day, and someone routinely brings large servings of shepherd's pie for dinner.  It has to be Drake.

We tried to talk our way in, Zlatan going on and on about how he just "wanted to go for a little dip, like" but Ilse is on to us.  She knows we suspect something.  FakeDrake must have been alerted, as well, as he's trying hard to stay close to us -- too hard.  There's only so much we want to hear about you taking "Leto-grets" to 10 straight Bulgarian titles in FM, man.  You're trying too hard.  We aren't buying it.

After all, the real Drake would know that it isn't domestic dominance that counts, but Continental titles won.

 

\

 

 

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

FakeDrake probably uses three strikers as well and no libero.

[ManUtd1]

Our preparations for rescuing Drake have reached a fever pitch...Zlatan decided we needed a reliable, proper crew for this type of job.  And, to be fair, he had a point.  I just didn't expect him to hire some of the Serbian ultras from Partizan...

"Is perfect, Boss.  Total loyalty to The Zlatan and Jean.  No questions asked.  No loose lips."

"I don't know, Zlatan.  That Bozidar guy...he's off.  He's not right...in the head."

"That is from the sniffing of glue, Boss.  He has promised The Zlatan not to sniff the glue while on this job.  We can trust him."

Whether we can trust them or not, we've decided.  We'll go into the compound late in the night after the 2nd leg against Bayern, at Borussia-Park.

   

[ManUtd1]

35 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

FakeDrake probably uses three strikers as well and no libero.

All downloaded tactics, I'm sure.

Then again his multiple goal kick routines are sublime, especially when he sets the keeper to take them from just off-center to the left, and the formation inverts in its entirety. Some claim it is an exploit, but in 2034 it's hard to say what is and isn't exploitative.

Edited November 1, 2018 by ManUtd1

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

36 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

That is from the sniffing of glue, Boss.  He has promised The Zlatan not to sniff the glue while on this job.  We can trust him."

He's on a glue tin free diet. 

[Deisler26]

11 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

He's on a glue tin free diet. 

[ManUtd1]

5 minutes ago, Deisler26 said:

[ManUtd1]

A golden opportunity missed in Munich.  But we've put ourselves in a commanding position heading into the second leg.

 

Zlatan is finalizing our extraction plans with Bozidar and his gang of Serbian hooligans.  They've got code names and everything.  Zlatan is "Doctor Boom."  Bozidar is "PhilosoRaptor."  Apparently, I'm "Eagle."

Zlatan's anxiety over final preparations is a bit extreme.  Last night, he was very upset to find that Bozidar had yet to put everything into the cammo fanny packs.  "Duct tape!  Zip ties!  Gloves!  The Zlatan has to have His tools!"

One way or another, we'll be ready.  This Eagle is ready to fly, both in the second leg and to rescue our dear friend from the clutches of his evil, scheming wife.

 

[ManUtd1]

What was your first clue, Mateo?!

"Is ok, Boss.  The Zlatan's grandmother is faster than this Mateo.  And she has a walker with tennis balls on the feet.  She is not built for the speed, yes."

  

[ManUtd1]

The final whistle blows.  "Nice work, Dr. Boom."

"Thank you, Eagle."

We laugh nervously, as Fake Drake glances back and forth between us, suddenly suspicious.  He joins in, laughing nervously.  He's such a fraud.  But he doesn't know that we know he's a fraud.  And therein lies the rub, son.

We assume that the laughter will die down once we drop the hood over his head and stuff him in the trunk of Bozidar's car.  Yes, his night -- and ours -- is only beginning.

 

[rodesire]

Hype hype hype!

Go get Drake!

[ManUtd1]

An idling car.

Bozidar's fingers tapping a staccato rhythm on the steering wheel. The stench of stale sweat.  Men at Work's Greatest Hits playing softly.

And the interminable agony of waiting... The long drive to the compound outside Kevelear, near the Dutch border... Too much time alone with our thoughts.

Time to second-guess ourselves. 

Is that our friend hog-tied in the trunk, or his evil doppelganger?

I can see the doubt in Zlatan's eyes, and can only hope that my own doubts aren't showing. There can be no room for doubt. Not tonight.

The only good news on that score is that Bozidar and his Ultras seem to be in good spirits... Zlatan is worried, though, as all their talk about "tasting the cheetah" prompted questions from my trusted lieutenant. And answers. Who in their right mind would cut pure cocaine with smashed Cheetos?!

I know, I know. A stupid question. 

Perhaps we should just be thankful that Bozidar is on our side, and leave it at that...

Almost there. That's the gate... Lights appear to be on, in the house on the hill... Did someone give them advance notice that we were coming?

Edited November 1, 2018 by ManUtd1

[ManUtd1]

We smash through the unattended gate at 90 mph, Bozidar singing at the top of his lungs.

"I SAY DO YOU SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE?! HE JUST SMILE AND GIVE ME A VEGETARY SANDWICH!!!"

We screech to a halt outside the main building, the alarm not having been raised. Bozidar and his lads burst from cars, hammers and bats in hand, screaming bloody murder and running to the doors. If our intel is accurate, that's where everyone should be sleeping in the communal nest.

Their job is to subdue the cult members while we locate and rescue Drake.

The adrenalin is pumping now. We cross the yard. A dog barks in the distance... Answered by his pack mates. We'd been warned about this, but the fog obscures their approach.

We approach the pool at a dead run and circle it, placing our backs to the pool house as no less than 7 German shepherds approach, growling. Angry.

Zlatan reaches slowly into his pack, pulling out several hot steaks from the Steakery, the juices running down his arms. 

Our success hinges on these next moments...

Zlatan throws the steaks, but they prove to be less of a distraction than we'd hoped.

Zlatan gestures at me to get behind him, as the pack closes in, the alpha male approaching slowly.

It begins in the blink of an eye, the alpha's snarling leap met mid-air by Zlatan, twisting and kicking out, screaming about Valhalla, his ponytail arcing majestically in the cold night air. 

They go down in a heap, a quivering ball of fur, muscle and rage. 

I can hardly tell where dog ends and man begins.

And it is over before I can blink, Zlatan nipping the shepherd's ear and giving it a violent shake.

Submission.

Zlatan stands, triumphant. The pack watch warily, waiting.

"This pack is the Zlatan's, yes?"  

His eyes are wild. Beyond anything I've ever seen. I cannot find the words, so just nod.

Zlatan arches his head back, letting loose am unnatural howl. The entire pack joins in.

Zlatan turns back to me. 

"Then we hunt, brother."

He cracks the door to the pool house. At a glance, the dogs enter.

We follow.

[ManUtd1]

The pool house is empty.

A few moments is all we need, to know that our intel wasn't as solid as we'd hoped.

There's no sign of Drake amidst the piles of racy swimwear, used chopsticks and empty takeout boxes from General Neuer's, the new German-Chinese fusion restaurant adored by hipsters. 

We turn to leave, knowing that we must go into the main house. The belly of the beast.

Zlatan's pack follows at his heels, the former alpha whining softly, knowing that danger is approaching.

We go back around the pool, the steaks lying there, ignored. I'm glad that Zlatan had a Plan B, no doubt a scenario he's been training for over the years. Because, he likely asked himself, what man doesn't eventually face down a pack of angry dogs, in as life or death battle in rural Germany? 

The house is strangely silent as we approach, slinking closer in hopes that Bozidar and his men succeeded in their part of the mission...

The door is ajar... We enter quietly.

Voices from down the hall. A scream, filled by the muffled sound of... Is that a baseball bat striking flesh?! 

As we silently move down the hall, another sound emerges. Weeping.

We enter to find Bozidar and one of his Ultras helping a portly man off the floor, while the others stand menacingly around a group of people, huddled together in the middle of the room.

"I TRY TO WARN YOU, WHY MAKE ME HURTING YOU?! BOZIDAR NO WANT HURT!! BOZIDAR JUST WANT LOVE, AND TO SHARE THE JOY OF MEN AT THE WORK!!"

Scanning the room, we see no sign of Drake. But Ilse is here, cowering in fear.

Before I can say a word, Bozidar screams at her triumphantly. "YOU!! YOU WILL HARMONY WITH ME, OR WE FIND OTHER WAY TO DO THIS!"

A look of sheer terror crosses Ilse's face, as the first notes of Land Down Under echo through the cavernous room.

A shared glance with Zlatan. Bozidar had this under control. We have to find a way into the basement. If Drake isn't there, perhaps he IS the man tied up in the car, after all.

Onward we march, the dogs at Zlatan's heels, as Ilse and Bozidar hit the first chorus, the sounds of forced karaoke fading the further we walk.

 

Edited November 1, 2018 by ManUtd1

[ManUtd1]

Down every hallway. Behind every locked door.

Nothing.

Until at last one of the dogs draws our attention to a trapdoor concealed behind a life-sized RealDoll that has a disturbing resemblance to Jose Mourinho, if the Portuguese **** had a breath-taking pair of... You know what, nevermind.

Not for the first time tonight, Zlatan and I share a knowing look. Shaking our heads, we push "Jose" to the side and open the trapdoor to find a staircase descending into the dark, with occasional flashes of light and muffled noises... Is... Is that...?!

As we reach the bottom of the stairs, we realize it is everything we feared. Drake, emaciated, strapped to a chair, eyes held open by a Kubrikian device, naked but for the "cage" he most wear at all times, watching ... Is that Risky Business...?!

We remove the ball gag, Drake's eyes pleading for relief. It takes a few minutes but we are able to remove the device only having ripped one of Drake's eyelids in half.

His words are few, as Tom Cruise dances around in his underwear on the television.

His voice is ragged. Grateful. 

It is only many hours later, after we alert the authorities to the scene, that we are able to piece together the sordid details.

Drake doesn't want to talk about it. But slowly by slowly he tells the tale. 

His first question at the hospital, once we're done with law enforcement and the multitude of doctors, is where we sit in the table. 

"Unbeaten, brother. Bundesliga champions already."

A weak smile. And a knowing look, well-aware that I'd saved the best for last. He waits patiently.

"The draw for the Champions League semifinal is in a few hours. Rest easy. We will need you there with us."

Another smile. Stronger this time.

[ManUtd1]

We will face Unai Emery's City, while Partizan face Mourinho's United.

 

[ManUtd1]

Men rarely see their own actions as unjustified.

Borussia Mönchengladbach / Croatia -- May 2034

The first leg in Manchester was an exercise in killing off a match.  We nailed it.

Back home, the first 45 were dreary...we were off.  We needed the halftime boost of Drake's return to the stadium, waving from his wheelchair in the Chairman's box.  Oh, I know what you're thinking.  His legs are fine.  The marketing department just thought it would be better if he was more...obviously injured...?  Cynical, yeah...but...

It was just the spark we needed.  I swear I even saw the Mourinho RealDoll being passed around the stands, his United having been eliminated the night before by Partizan

45 minutes of pure magic later and we're through...to face my old side.  This is going to be epic.  90 minutes from immortality.

 

[ManUtd1]

Alright, the rest of the league/cup schedule has been played, so we're up for a Champions League final tomorrow morning.  

We're going to have to do it up right, too...

[ManUtd1]

Champions League Final, May 2034; Old Trafford

"Good evening and welcome to Manchester, England!  This is it!  The creme de la creme, the pudding in the pancake, the cherry on top!  The Champions League final!"

"Thank you, Jamie, and you're right it is the final.  Here, in the greatest city in the world, the greatest stadium in the worl--"

"Hold on, hold on, hold on, Gary...Let's not get ahead of ourselves, this--"

"Jamie, lad.  Do me a favor and go **** yourself, yeah?"

"Is that how it's going to be, Gary?!  Is that how you want to play this?!  Bitter, just because Jose and your precious United were eliminated?!"

"Those diving Serbians got lucky.  Simple as.  5 of the last 7 Champions League titles have come back to United, Jamie.  That says it all.  End of discussion."

"You can get your hand out of my face, Gary.  I can count to five, unlike your inbred--"

"Out of order.  Out.  Of.  Order."

"Can we just...I mean...kickoff is imminent.  Is there anything you want to say, beyond waxing lyrical about Jose and his side, which are not playing tonight, Gary?"

"You can take the Manchester out of the final, Jamie, but you can't take the final out of Manchester."

"What?!  That makes no sense."

"The final.  It's here.  In Manchester.  Simple as."

"I fail to see the point.  So...in the short time that remains, I'll just note that the gathered masses here at Old Trafford are in a joyous mood.  Certainly, this is a cup final.  But one where you can tell that the supporters have broken bread together, shared a few pints and, if you believe the rumors, even kicked a few heads in together.  Regardless of how it happened, there is a close kinship here tonight.  We'll see if it lasts past the first goal.  But that's all the time we've got, as the sides are emerging for the anthems and kickoff.

 

   

[ManUtd1]

"Did you find it a bit odd, Gary, that UEFA would allow United to host this match, given the renovations going on, to expand capacity from just over 87,000, to more than 90,000?  Wouldn't the match have been better served playing elsewhere?"

"You're fishing, Jamie, and this fish ain't biting.  You ****."

"Gladbach kick off, moving from left to right on your screens in all white...they proceed down the pitch, some nice combinations and...ZUBCZUK HAS BURIED IT!!! WHAT A FLYING START TO THE MATCH!!! PARTIZAN HAVE NOT EVEN TOUCHED THE BALL, AND THEY'RE DOWN 1!"

"A brilliant goal, Jamie!  Mourinho-esque, some might say!  Pass, move, finish.  Simple as."

[ManUtd1]

"And Kuhn nearly makes it 2 in the 5th, with a Zlatan-esque volley!  Gladbach looking dangerous early."

"Isn't it beautiful, Jamie..."

"The football?  Strikingly good so far."

"No, not that.  Look, over there.  Jose is here, looking sharpish in his suit."

"Bah, Gar.  I saw him outside earlier, all gussied up with huge knockers."

"THAT WASN'T JOSE, JAMIE!!!  JUST SOME STUPID PRANK THESE IDIOTS THINK IS FUNNY!  IT'S DISRESPECTFUL, I TELL YOU.  DISRESPECTFUL!"

"I tell you what, Gary, if Jose had knockers like that I'd 'respect' him much more."

"Not funny.  ****."

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

3 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

"I tell you what, Gary, if Jose had knockers like that I'd 'respect' him much more."

Certainly not a sentence I thought I'd be reading 

[ManUtd1]

"As we have a moment here, just...the atmosphere, so much joy.  Many have dubbed this the "Battle of the Bleu" in reference to Gladbach's manager having brought Partizan to such prominence.  Yet, only 3 of his Champions-League winning players are in the XI today.  What do you make of that, Gary?"

"Well, 3 players, but one of them is the keeper, and that obviously doesn't count now, does it?  Bleu deserves much credit, but this team has changed.  Different managers.  Different style of play.  Bleu may have given birth to this rejuvenated Partizan and Serbian football, this is no longer his baby in my books.  Not after that Argentinian fella came in and touched them all up."

"Did you just accuse...?!  Nevermind."

 

[ManUtd1]

1 minute ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Certainly not a sentence I thought I'd be reading 

Now, come on.  After the Jose RealDoll made an appearance yesterday, you had to know it'd be back... 

[ManUtd1]

"Cisse wide right, floats the ball in...Rogulic comes to claim it easily...BUT LUNDH DOESN'T SEEM TO HEAR HIM...THE BALL IS IN THE BACK OF THE NET!!!  WHAT AN UTTER DISASTER"

[ManUtd1]

"The Germans are all protesting...the referee consults with his linesman...NO GOAL!  AND ON THE REPLAY YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE PINTO PUSHING LUNDH INTO THE KEEPER!  NO GOAL!"

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

3 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

Now, come on.  After the Jose RealDoll made an appearance yesterday, you had to know it'd be back... 

I suppose 

Chekhov's Blow-Up Mourinho Doll or something like that.

[ManUtd1]

"Nervy stuff here in Manchester, as Partizan push to find an equalizer, having come close on more than one occasion...Gladbach recover and look to launch forward at face...Kuhn...Ivanovic...ZUBCZUK!!!  THAT'S TWO, GARY!!!"

"THE FAT IS IN THE FRYER AND THE KITTEN IS IN THE MIXER, MOMMA THEY'RE COMING HOME!!!"

[ManUtd1]

2 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

I suppose 

Chekhov's Blow-Up Mourinho Doll or something like that.

Can't introduce it into the scene if you're not willing to use it...

[ManUtd1]

"Halftime here, Jamie, and I tell you what.  Gladbach are in the driver's seat.  They've scored more goals.  If Partizan don't score, this game is over. Simple as."

"That's a bit...obvious, Gary.  Anything further to add at this point?  Will we see Bleu's men look to strike on the counter again?"

"You know, Jamie, that's a great question.  It's times like these when I think all good managers -- all serious managers -- would look themselves in the mirror and ask, What Would Mourinho Do?"

"By the looks of things in the stands, the answer has something to do with a lot of large, hairy Serbian hooligans and an industrial sized pack of moist towelettes."

"I'll not warn you again, Jamie.  Out of order."