[FM 18] Winning Isn’t Everything -- Rubbing It In The Faces Of Your Enemies Is Also Important

[Adonalsium]

Well, technically speaking... Uli Da is dead. Ambition is just shattered all over the place, like the aftermath of dropping a pressure-sealed jar of mustard onto the ground and causing it to explode. 

[ManUtd1]

Zlatan and I decided to drive to Italy...with too much time on our hands, obscene amounts of coffee and some strange tactics book on tape, we revamped our tactical approach for Torino.

Apparently, this strange Swedish guy has a "tactics academy" somewhere in France.  Odd stuff.  But intriguing.  He looks like a Swedish Jared Leto ('ombre highlights and all), which gives him credibility in Zlatan's book.

With any luck we won't be caught out by his madness...which, to be fair, we've adopted as our own.

It's been a busy week, hence the delays in posting.  But, my mind start thinking...and we're going back...to the future!!!

.

That's right, we're going back to Hakan/Gunnar's tactics from 17, updated for 18.  Specifically, we're updating Gunnar's PM Branco di Libero setup  (aka PM Cafetero Aguardiente) which is detailed here. 

The naming conventions simply add v.18.  The basic changes for 18 include:

1. Adjusting the fullbacks to a support duty (something I did later on in the Nearly Men save).
2. Giving the central midfielders Mezzalla/Support and Carrilero/Support roles/duties.
3. Adjusting the mentality downwards a notch, to tone down the crazy (Attacking/Fluid instead of Overload/Very Fluid)
4. Unticking 'retain possession' which was used to temper the risk-taking of the Overload mentality.

Hopefully I can get this to work at Torino...

[ManUtd1]

Meant to post this earlier in the week -- current state of things in Serie A.

 

[ManUtd1]

It's official.  Turin will never be the same.

[Adonalsium]

This is what happens when you drink grapefruit juice in the morning. Now the only thing left to do is parking the (youth) bus and watching the foreign wonderkid imports walk in...

Torino, Welcome To Zlatan.

[ManUtd1]

15 hours ago, Adonalsium said:

This is what happens when you drink grapefruit juice in the morning. Now the only thing left to do is parking the (youth) bus and watching the foreign wonderkid imports walk in...

Torino, Welcome To Zlatan.

As if there's such a thing as drinking too much juice...

[ManUtd1]

Hierro?!  That Madridista ****?!

 

[ManUtd1]

The post-match press conference, after our triumphant debut?  30 minutes of a shirtless Zlatan taunting the media and other Italian clubs.

[Minuy600]

Who are Cremonese in the first place? I think I know my Serie B clubs good enough to believe they weren't in there before, and now they're in the Serie A!

[Adonalsium]

Just imagine how Zlatan came to this. He's probably quit all of his jobs already, the ones where he markets his own brand products and is at the board of a betting company and all that. All of those, he quit from. All because of a single mug of grapefruit juice he decided to drink on a whim while attending that job interview with you. It was supposed to be a joke from the get-go - who was this laughable upstart who wanted Zlatan to be his assman? Well, one glass of grapefruit later...

7 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

The post-match press conference, after our triumphant debut?  30 minutes of a shirtless Zlatan taunting the media and other Italian clubs.

[ManUtd1]

No room for sentiment.  None.  Ring the changes, lads.  Adjust the budgets, move on the overpaid dead wood, terminate loans for all but Gerson. 

And when that Barreca **** decided that Liverpool was his dream club, I was more than happy to let him go.  While he was a guaranteed starter for us at left back, he's clearly a 6 cranberries short of a fruitcake.  Liverpool?!  Really, son?!  *shakes head*

(h/t @BoxToBox for reminding me of this genius gif.  A full-blown squad review will come this summer.)

[BoxToBox]

34 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

h/t @BoxToBox for reminding me of this genius gif.

One of my fave Simpsons bits.

[ManUtd1]

It's easy to believe in something when you win all the time... The losses are what define a man's faith.

February 2023 Mini-Update

This should have been a big moment for us...at home against Atalanta, as side who has been struggling.  But the lads are struggling to learn the nuances of my tactics.  And all the new faces mean that we're a locker room full of strangers.  If we can pull together over the stretch run, the future looks bright.  If we can't, we're likely facing the sack.  Surely, more nights like this will mean the sack is coming.

Zlatan invited the lads over to barbeque this evening.  A little team building.  He's also been working hard to prepare the lutefisk...whether it is intended to be a treat or punishment, no one knows.

 

[ManUtd1]

The rumors swirling won't stop.  Zlatan is staying up all night, drinking prodigious quantities of cappucino and plotting new training regimes.  Watching the lads chase chickens around the Filadelphia was a good laugh for all...until Zlatan explained what had to happen next.  Poor Vitaly hasn't slept since.  I didn't know a chicken could make that sound.

 

[ManUtd1]

Those poor chickens have one thing going for them.  They did not have to witness our horrific display against Lazio...followed by wins for both Cremonese and Parma later in the weekend.  

With 9 matches to play, we sit 18th in the table.  Rumors that we'll be sacked are multiplying like bunnies on Viagra.  Neville won't shut his snide gob on the television, going on and on about how management isn't the lark Zlatan and I thought it was.  PETA is threatening a protest for the chicken "training" session last week.

Maybe we should have stayed in Malmo.

  

[ManUtd1]

Zlatan has been rubbing the lads down with the lutefisk.  "Old Swedish remedy," he claims.  I'm sure he's full of ****.  But I'll take anything. We need the lads on the pitch, and out of the physio's office.

We managed to draw away to Sassuolo.  Only for Parma to leapfrog us with a win over Cremonese.

We're back in the relegation zone, sitting 18th on 27 points -- 1 behind the Grigiorossi, 2 behind Parma and Palermo, who are level on 30.  Novara and Atalanta sit on 32 points...nearly safe.  We need results at home against Novara and Palermo later this month, or else the Cremonese match will be decisive.

 

 

[ManUtd1]

3 massive points, away to Napoli, see us climb above Cremonese. 

"The lutefisk is working, Zlatan.  Keep it up."

"Like I told you, Boss... It's an old Swedish trick I learned from The Zlatan's dear mormor...  I added some grapefruit essence as well, for extra Zlatan healing energy."

  

[ManUtd1]

Zlatan knew about this several hours before the news broke.  He knows more about this situation than he's letting on.

 

[ManUtd1]

"More grapefruit, Zlatan!"

"Boss, the Zlatan's hands... They're... Cut from all the fruit peeling.  The citrus acid... It... It burns... The Zlatan's eyes...  Are being stinging... The goggles, zey do nothing!"

"If I wanted excuses, Zlatan, I'd have called that Neville ****.  But I'm calling you.  Are you going to dare to Zlatan, or do I have to find someone who will?!"

"I'll... I'll... I'll find the grapefruit, Boss.  Peel it with my teeth if I have to."

"That's what I thought."

  

[kidthekid]

shades of Leverkusen, hopefully not the same ending

[ManUtd1]

"Zlatan! What did I tell you about the grapefruit!?!"

"Boss... the Zlatan is sorry.  The Zlatan's spirit is willing, but the Zlatan's flesh is spongy and bruised."

"Did I stutter?!  More.  Grapefruit."

"No, Boss, you --"

"The grapefruit, Zlatan."

"Yes, Boss."

We're away to Juventus and Inter, over the coming 6 days.  I can't bear to hear Gary's commentary tonight.  Even with the sound muted, I can see the look of derision in his eyes.

  

[ManUtd1]

Just now, kidthekid said:

shades of Leverkusen, hopefully not the same ending

[ManUtd1]

*muffled sobbing sounds, followed by incoherent screaming*

  

[ManUtd1]

*sobbing intensifies*

  

[You are reading that correctly.  My backup has played 1 match for the club.  1.]

[ManUtd1]

Nothing is working.  Nothing in my managerial experience has prepared me for this...a side lacking cohesion, unable to function as a unit.  Our humiliation at the hands of Inter is one insult too many.

Training began 20 minutes ago, but -- bereft of ideas -- I sit in an empty locker room with Zlatan.  Silently.

The players complain that the diet of lutefisk and grapefruit is causing severe digestive distress.  Maybe we've taken it too far.

Maybe Zlatan is right.

Maybe we haven't taken it far enough.

"It's time, Zlatan."  Zlatan merely looks confused as I slowly shuffle towards the stereo. 

As the bossa nova drum groove kicks in, though, he understands.  We begin to gyrate maniacally in the empty locker room, singing at the top of our lungs.

"You know the day destroys the night..."

Hearing the commotion, the players enter warily...  Unsure of what to make of the scene -- their manager and his assistant, have clearly lost their ****ing minds.

  

[BoxToBox]

18 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

*sobbing intensifies*

  

[You are reading that correctly.  My backup has played 1 match for the club.  1.]

It's a fracture lad, grab a stick, some duct tape and grow a sack.

[ManUtd1]

Things have reached a head.  Fortunately, the lads seemed to calm down after I spoke at the team meeting.

They didn't realize I was just quoting The Doors lyrics at them.  Kids these days, eh?

 

[ManUtd1]

3 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

It's a fracture lad, grab a stick, some duct tape and grow a sack.

Exactly.  It's a broken arm.  Nothing duct tape can't fix.

The sooner we are rid of his namby-pamby ***, the better.  He's off to Parma in the summer.

[ManUtd1]

"Nigeria?  Son, at this rate, you should feel lucky if Pepperidge Farms remembers you."

 

[ManUtd1]

90 minutes...lose and we're all but through.  We'd be 5 points back with 2 matches to play.  Win, and we've 1 point clear.

My pre-match pep talk is a spoken-word rendition of Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby.  I don't think they were listening...

Yet... Something clearly resonated with Adem.  Get in!!!

 

[ManUtd1]

Baselli, you ****ing ****.  I should have left you back at the team hotel.

 

[ManUtd1]

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, Boss.  If Francesco were any dumber, he'd need watering.  He couldn't stop a fat kid from exercising."

 

[ManUtd1]

Cardozo restores the lead on a corner...we're not done for yet.

 

[ManUtd1]

*looks at Zlatan*

*Zlatan shrugs, shaking his head slowly*

 

[ManUtd1]

Niang with a chance to win it in the 91st minute.  Typical of our season, he blasts it straight at the keeper who tips it over the bar.

We haven't been that far off.  The margins have been thin.  We've just not been good enough.  

I walk towards the tunnel.  I've seen enough.

 

[ManUtd1]

But before I get more than 2 steps from the bench, Villasanti buries a loose ball off the corner!  We've taken the lead!!!

Is this our moment?!  Fortunately, no one realizes that I was leaving, they all simply think I was getting up to shout some last minute instructions...

 

[ManUtd1]

A shirtless Zlatan press conference ensues.  He doesn't say a word.  He just stares at the assembled press, flexing.

2 matches to play.  Advantage Torino.

 

  

[ManUtd1]

A shirtless Zlatan press conference ensues.  He doesn't say a word.  He just lies on the floor in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, staring into the middle distance while softly mumbling the lyrics to Young MC's Bust A Move.

1 match to play.  We host Fiorentina.  Parma are away to Spezia, while Cremonese travel to Milan.

  

[ManUtd1]

"This is what it all comes down to.  You all know what to do.  Any last words, Zlatan?"

"Zippity zoppity, give me the boppity."

"You heard the man, lads.  Get to it."

 

[ManUtd1]

We're ready, lads.  Time to do this.  90 minutes.

 

*screaming internally*

[ManUtd1]

In the 3rd minute, the supporters go quiet.  It only takes a few moments to filter to us on the bench.  Parma have taken the lead, with a 1st minute goal.  As things stand, we're relegated.

 

[BoxToBox]

*screaming externally*

[ManUtd1]

First big chance of the match, and Zhotev fires well wide.  He's been an utter disappointment since his arrival from Malmo -- 1 goal in 17 matches.  So much promise, so many wasted opportunities.

 

[ManUtd1]

34th minute, the bag of meat that is Francesco fails to step up when we need him most.  The away support are singing.  We are crumbling.  

I am numb.  Zlatan begins to hum some Boyz II Men song that I can't quite place.

 

[ManUtd1]

Zhotev through on goal moments later...blasts wide.  Again.

I shake my head in disbelief.  20.5/week for what...?  This?!

Zlatan has removed his shirt.  This isn't going to end well.

 

[BoxToBox]

Jesus....

[ManUtd1]

A potential ray of hope?  Schopf is sent off in the 45th...his second yellow of the match.  Surely, we cannot be this fortunate.  A draw will not suffice.  We need a win.  We need 2 goals.

Zlatan has been standing behind the 4th official.  Not saying a word.  Shirtless.

 

[ManUtd1]

Spezia draw level with a penalty in injury time.  We're back within touching distance, as a draw will see us survive by the thinnest of margins, as we hold the tiebreaker with Parma.

Zlatan seems to have removed his shoes and socks during the interval.

[ManUtd1]

Something I said at halftime must've done the trick, as we start strong.  Niang rattles the crossbar in the 50th.  

Mind you, I've no idea what of substance was said at halftime.  It was mainly incoherent cursing in rapid-fire Swedish.

 

[ManUtd1]

It's all but over in the 54th.  A loose ball tucked home off a corner.  Francesco flapping like a ****ing drunken seagull.

The only thing that can save us now is Spezia finding a winner. 

Zlatan has removed his belt.