[FM17] Hans Kaiser- Baldness Über Alles!

[oriole01]

Boom! Baldness Über Alles will continue!

[ManUtd1]

Brutal result against Arsenal, man. Although I'm glad to see that Ernesto is back in motorized form...

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Zwei
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Thirty- The Pre-Game
The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Hans Kaiser downs his seventh Red Bull of the day. He knows how bad they are for his health, but they gave him exactly the sort of wild energy he needed to rile up his squad. As the players return to the locker room after pre-match training, Kaiser sits them all down to have their heads shaved by the team from Luigi's, who have become the personal travelling barber team of the club ever since their second Klassiker back in September. Kaiser watches over the tedious process of cutting a Dortmund logo into the small remnants of hair left on his players' heads and nods his own head at the results.  Luigi's crew are magic. As soon as they're finished, he begins his speech.
"I'm just going to ask. What do you want to do today?"
Expressions in the room perk up.
ERIK DURM: "STOMP THE SMURFS!"
GONZALO CASTRO: "Secure the Champions League!"
MARCO REUS: "LIGHT THIS PLACE ON FIRE!!! Figuratively..."
Kaiser chuckles. 
"Haha, I'd love to do all of that. And it's a shame you didn't say 'literally', Marco, cause I've got the ting right here."
*Opens locker and removes flamethrower*
"STAND BACK!"
In his Red Bull-fueled frenzy, Kaiser lets the flamethrower spray, lighting up one of the walls and unfortunately, the belongings of Julian Weigl, who was already unhappy to be on the bench for the derby. The fire extinguishers are quickly applied, but everything is already gone.
"Oh ****. Sorry Julian. Um... why don't you head back out, mate?"
Weigl, his face painted with horror, slowly turns and leaves the room. After he leaves, Kaiser breaks out into heavy laughter and starts the chants.
ALL:"FÜR DEN RUHM! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES!"
Things were a bit awkward after that, but the replacement costs for Weigl's expensive clothes, Rolex watch, cell phone, and custom-made eucalyptus hair gel were pennies to the Dortmund budget. Gotta break a few eggs.

The Tunnel
After his fiery shenanigans in the locker room, Kaiser begins his walk out to the pitch when he spots Schalke manager Markus Weinzierl. Kaiser, not wanting to the repeat the expletive-laden exploits of their previous meeting, walks by him without a word. After all, he had reserved his nastiness for the public theatre of pre-game press conferences, in which he stated that he believed Weinzierl would be sacked after the match and that he would express no sympathy if that were to happen. However, it was Weinzierl who began following Kaiser this time, catching up with him as he walked. 
WEINZIERL: "Where do you think you're going, Hans?"
KAISER: "To the field, of course." He flashes a sarcastic smile.
"Don't you have something to say to me?"
"Didn't I tell you everything last time? You know what I'm about, Markus. See you in battle."
"Oh, I know what you're about. You see, the problem is you lost last time, after you spit all that ugly **** on me. I think you're the one who's nervous right now."
Kaiser snickers. "Nervous. You want to talk about nervous? You may have won, but who's the one in a relegation battle right now? Not me, Markus! I know I'm right. You really will be sacked this time, you pagan. The baldness will continue above your grave."
Something in that that sentence upset Weinzierl. "**** YOU, KAISER. DIE NULL MUß STEHEN!"
"Mmm, now who's lost his temper?"
They reach the end of the tunnel, right on the edge of the pitch. The TV cameras pick up the next moment.
"Relax, man. It'll be okay. I hear unemployment benefits are great in this country. I raise you, BALDNESS!!!"
Kaiser extends his arm upward, moving it left and right to show the full breadth of what he wishes to show his rival.
75,000 Dortmund fans. Each and every one of them bald. Men, women, and children alike. The "proof of baldness' policy had been enacted again, and this time it had worked very well. Schalke had arrived in hell, and Dortmund's eleven devils were ready. It's about time the Smurf****ers got bent over.

LOS! LOS! LOS!

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Zwei
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Thirty- The Post-Game

WOOOOO!!!! An exhilarating victory in front of the bald home fans. Aubameyang would return to scoring form early, netting from close in to put us in command. Marco Reus would then strike twice at the end of the half, first rocketing in yet another free kick on 42 and tapping in Auba's cross on 45. We completely shut down Schalke, as the Smurfs had just one highlight in the entire game (I run on extended).  Before we knew it, the final whistle had blown and we were off celebrating a famous derby victory.

Hans Kaiser felt he needed to say something to the legions of brave and loyal fans who had shaved their heads to come see their team play. If Dortmund had lost, he would probably have faced a massive outrage not only for the result, but for making people shear their hair for no good reason. He was able to secure a microphone and speak to the crowd, who were still flying banners, lighting flares, and singing about ten minutes after the final whistle.
"How's everyone doing?"
Kaiser is met with a roar of "GREAT!!!"
"I'd just like to thank all of you for being loyal to this club. You guys are amazing, and you fuel just about everything we do here at Dortmund. This was for you."
Massive cheers.
"So I know what I've made you all do today is a bit strange, but what didya think of it?"
As expected, the reactions were mixed, some of the words he heard were sarcastically bitter, some were genuine praise, others were indifferent or unsure.
"Okay, so maybe not everyone's totally on board, but get used to it! Next season, every derby, every Champions League game, every cup final, we're going bald! This club is already so unified, but I want to take it a step further. Let's become brothers and sisters in baldness! Let's show the world what it means to be a community, a city, a club, a family! TAKE IT AWAY!"
Some of the crowd have started leaving, clearly angered with this news. That's fine, they're not worthy of this cause. They've always got their TVs. The rest of them? They break Germany's decibel record.
"BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! DORTMUND ÜBER ALLES! DORTMUND ÜBER ALLES! DORTMUND ÜBER ALLES!"
Hans smiles the widest smile he's ever smiled. He's beaming from cheek to cheek. And then his assistant hands him the flamethrower, and he lets it rip. What a day. What a lovely day.

[danmcconnell1]

You sir, are utterly barmy, in the best way possible 

[oriole01]

3 hours ago, danmcconnell1 said:

You sir, are utterly barmy, in the best way possible 

Thanks for the comment and compliment (I guess???) Dan. Especially coming from someone who is currently managing Bayern and is a Birmingham City fan to my Wolves. I've got plenty more wacky storylines cooked up already, so stay tuned!

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
April 2017

A spectacular month, save for one collapse at the end.

Our third seven-goal affair of the year came against Hertha in what was one of the most entertaining clashes of the entire Bundesliga season. Former Chelsea man Salomon Kalou got the first goal of the day on 12, sniping in an incisive strike from the edge of the box, but Richarlison would equalize just two minutes later on a cutback from Andre Schurrle. Marco Reus would continue his incredible free kick record by launching in his fourth DFK to put us in the lead on 20. Yet Kalou, who has been on the form of his life for the past few months, got Hertha's own equalizer with another beautiful placed shot. The last turning point was Per Skjelbred's second yellow on 66 minutes, shortly after which Mario Gotze belted in a goal to the top right on his first touch from the edge of area. Schurrle would add a fourth seven minutes later with a wide-open rebound after Richarlison's header hit the post. Sebastian Langkamp would make things interesting again with a powerful headed goal on 87, but the scoring well dried up afterwards for both sides and we held onto a thrilling victory.
Guess what? Our winless away streak was finally over after the final whistle blew. Thank god.

We took care of business at home against Werder Bremen, avenging our loss to them earlier in the season.  Gotze and Schurrle would get things off the ground early, with each of them scoring inside of ten minutes. Later in the first half, Serge Gnabry would pull one back for the visitors, continuing his form against us from the reverse fixture, but Gotze would seal victory with his second goal on 66.

We continued the winning run against another green team in Wolfsburg, shutting them down just as impressively as last time. Sebastian Rode would score the first goal on 9 with his signature bullet delivery, continuing a brilliant season. We didn't look in danger to give up the lead, but I was relieved to see Shinji Kagawa score a volley off a corner on 82 minutes and seal a second consecutive away win. We've really punched that winless run in the face.

After the glorious Ruhr Derby win, I decided to rotate the squad heavily against Hoffenheim, hoping to make the young players happy by giving them a start. That ended up being a big mistake. We went behind on 7 minutes to Joel Pohjanpalo, then conceded a BS penalty on 16 which Fabian Schar put away. We had little in the way of creativity to fight them back, and when I finally decided to go all out, we were punished by Hoffenheim, with Mark Uth scoring a lovely placed goal from outside the area on 88 to make it 3. We avoided getting shut out through Kagawa's second goal in three matches- a volleyed goal in stoppage time- but Uth would score another screamer just a minute later to bring it to 4-1, which was the same scoreline we beat them by in the reverse fixture.

So after the Hoffenheim match, we were greeted with this:

Carlo's landed the first blow. I'd be silly to say we actually had a chance at catching them at this point in the season, but the confirmation always hurts. I don't know what to expect next season, but it'll probably come down to who does the best business in the transfer market.

Table

We've secured Champions League football, but are behind Leverkusen on goal difference in the race for second place. What should decide that position is our next match against them. A win would more than likely get us second, as we have a relatively easy final two games. 7th is now officially a Europa League position, and it could go to anyone from Hamburg to Gladbach, the latter of which has done a remarkable job to escape relegation danger and put themselves in European contention. The relegation race is still wide open, with only Freiburg confirmed down and anyone as high up as Frankfurt still possibly in danger of slipping to an automatic relegation or relegation playoff place. This will be quite the few weeks at the bottom.

May is the final month, and we'll face Leverkusen, Darmstadt, and Frankfurt to end the season. Is 9 points a possibility? We'll have to see.

Los!

[oriole01]

It's Wednesday night, a few days after Bayern Munich wrapped up their fifth straight Bundesliga title. Hans Kaiser is sitting in his upscale Dortmund townhouse on the outskirts of the city, sipping black tea and listening to Tame Impala's modern classic album "Currents" on vinyl. Suddenly, his phone rings. A private number. Assuming it's a telemarketer or scammer, he lets the phone ring out. However, he instantly reconsiders this decision when he hears a familiar voice on the answering machine:
"Pick up the phone now, Hans."
The voice is gravelly, yet tinged with irresponsibility and drunkenness. Kaiser strides over to the phone and does as the voice says, a look of rage coming over his face.
"Carlo? How the hell did you get this number? It's for important calls only, not your mindless banter."
"Aren't you the king of mindless banter, son?" laughs the clearly wasted Ancelotti.
He does have a point.
"What do you want?"
"Oh, I don't know, I just thought I'd just check in on my good old boy, see how you're coping with my sweet, sweet victory." 
"I don't have time for this. What I say on the pitch, stays on the pitch. It's only meant to intimidate you into losing. I don't want this to get too personal, Carlo. For all of our sakes."
Kaiser hears EDM music throbbing in the background and very loud voices on the phone. He can faintly hear Ancelotti's voice as well, saying, "Come on, honey. That's not how you do it. See, you put your tongue right here and... oh.... that's it...."
Minutes later, Ancelotti's voice comes back on. "You made this too personal, Kaiser! Insulting me, my daughter, my son-in-law, my hair! Don't kid yourself, this is your fault. Now I get to have the last laugh."
"Listen, I'm sorry. Sometimes I lose control. Like I said, what I say on the pitch, stays on the pitch. Maybe I'll drink less Red Bull next year... but I'm asking you to leave me alone now. Goodbye."
"Oh, don't give me that ********, Hans. You'll be after me, you'll be after Markus if he even keeps his job, you'll be after everyone. Stop kidding yourself, just accept it. You asked for war, now you've got it. It's only your fault if you lose. I'm only here to remind you of what's at stake. While you sit at home drowning in tea and smothering yourself in tissues, I'm out doing this... *holds phone up to make music and shouting louder*. I'm looking forward to the next battle, if it means more of this sweet, sweet victory for me and more of this sad circus from you. Good luck, you little bastard."
"Fine, if it's really want you want, Carlo, you can expect more. I won't be holding back next year, get ready for the full force of baldness smashing across your smug face. Baldness über alles, ***hole."
Kaiser waits for a final response from his rival, but Ancelotti seems to have forgotten to respond. All he hears is the same nauseating music and Ancelotti's voice in the background once more, "My god, Stefanie! Now that's more like it!"

Hans has had enough. He hangs the phone up, then slams it on the floor. His wife Sophie, startled by the noise, enters the room and asks with concern in her voice, "What was that all about, Hans?"
"Just business, darling."

[danmcconnell1]

On 21/10/2017 at 19:23, oriole01 said:

Thanks for the comment and compliment (I guess???) Dan. Especially coming from someone who is currently managing Bayern and is a Birmingham City fan to my Wolves. I've got plenty more wacky storylines cooked up already, so stay tuned!

Meant in the most complimentary way possible of course! Rivals galore

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
May 2017

We finish the season in decent form, but the loss cost us second place.

Against fellow second place challengers Leverkusen, we couldn't quite find our rhythm at home and slipped to a second consecutive defeat. We once again conceded a questionable penalty, as Leon Bailey seemed to go down far too easily to Erik Durm's contact, but the referee awarded the spot kick and Charles Aranguiz punched it home. Aubameyang would miss a golden opportunity to score on a one-on-one later in the half, but we would concede the next goal of the match to Aranguiz again, the Chilean belting in a perfectly-placed free kick. He turned on his inner Marco Reus on that one, for sure. Andre Schurrle would grab a goal back on 77, cracking in a half-volley off the underside of the bar, but that would be our last good chance of the match, and we were put at a huge disadvantage to finish second.

We went away to claim a gritty win against Darmstadt in an unexpectedly tense match. Auba would get us on the board on 31, sliding in a low cross from Marco Reus. After that, however, we couldn't find the net. It would take a great save from Roman Burki on Sven Schipplock to preserve the win, and we left Hesse with plenty of relief on our faces.

We would end the season on a high, pounding underachievers Frankfurt at home. Gonzalo Castro waited only four minutes to finally claim his first goal of the season, firing in a beauty from long range. By contrast, Auba scored his 35th and final goal of the season ten minutes later to put us up two. Frankfurt defender Marco Reus Russ would score our final goal of the season, deflecting a Schurrle shot past his keeper to finish our campaign in the clouds and theirs in the gutter.  

Final Table

We finish in third, far off the pace of inevitable champions Bayern, three points behind Leverkusen and six points ahead of Leipzig. FM has certainly got Red Bull right, nearly emulating their real life second-placed finish with a CL spot. Three blue 'H' teams in Hertha, Hoffenheim, and Hamburg will be going to the Europa League next season, with Hamburg having pinched a spot from surprise packages Ingolstadt by beating them on the last day. Gladbach recovered well from their relegation scare, hitting form over the last two months to finish all the way up in 9th. Schalke finished in 12th, negating any fears of relegation for our rivals. To be fair, it would be pretty terrible if they went down for the sake of the rivalry. Frankfurt and Koln narrowly avoided relegation, whilst Darmstadt went down on the last day and Mainz would lose the promotion-relegation playoff to Hannover to join Darmstadt and Freiburg in next season's 2. Bundesliga. Jurgen Klopp was shedding tears at the news of his former club going down just a season after they earned a European place, but Hans was able to comfort him over the course of one long night.

End of Season News
What's the best possible sign that your youth academy is bonkers fertile? I'd say this:

Our U19s bossed through the UEFA Youth League, dropping points just twice over the entire campaign. They romped through Sevilla, Arsenal (better than we did), Celtic (!!), and finalists Sporting Lisbon on the way to becoming Dortmund and Germany's first Youth League champion. Alex Isak was immense in the competition, scoring six goals in five apps. Robin Kehr also impressed, the 17-year-old delivering four goals, including the first in the final. The boys would also do well in their domestic U19s group, finishing second but well off the pace of unbeaten Schalke. Too bad we couldn't win any mini-Ruhr derbies.

Despite being tied with young American phenom Bobby Wood, Auba takes top goalscorer by virtue of having less playing time. Chicharito's magnificent goal haul for Leverkusen got him third, and had he not been injured would probably have led the league. Auba and Rode got on the Team of the Season, with Auba somehow being included at right midfielder. Rode also thoroughly deserves his place, as he was our second best player and one of the best midfielders around this year. Unfortunately, Hans Kaiser didn't even get a top three place in Manager of the Season voting. This made him mildly furious...

A look at Europe and then a full season review will be up next.

 

[oriole01]

European Review 2016/17
Germany

We've already covered the Bundesliga, but here's what happened in the lower leagues:

Stuttgart and Hannover are coming straight back up! Aided by our loaned right back Felix Passlack, Stuttgart powered through to the league title. Joining the two familiar sides is Heidenheim. The former East German club will be making their first-ever Bundesliga appearance next season, and they surely look like a nice six points already . Sandhausen and 1860 Munich go down, as well as Dynamo Dresden, who lost the pro-rel playoffs to Magdeburg.

Lotte, who we played in a mid-season friendly, went up as champions. Osnabruck and Magdeburg will join them in the 2. Bundesliga. Both those teams and 4th-placed Chemnitzer all had Dortmund players on loan, so I think it's fair to say we just radiate success. Dropping out of the big leagues entirely are FSV Frankfurt, Preussen Munster, and Mainz's reserves. Not a good year for the Mainz organization.

DfB-Pokal Final:
Bayer Leverkusen 3-5 Bayern Munich
Promoted from Regionalliga:
Stuttgarter Kickers, Carl Zeiss Jena, Borussia Dortmund II
The reserves are coming up! Would love to see them do well in the 3. Liga.

 

England



Arsenal as Prem champions? Come on SI.... that's insult to injury.
Man United finished in 6th in Jose Mourinho's first season, West Brom surprised all by snagging a Europa League place, Bournemouth matched their IRL finish of 9th, Everton, Leicester, and West Ham disappointed, and FM nailed the three relegated teams at the first try.
FA Cup Winners:
Liverpool
EFL Cup Winners:
Chelsea
Promoted from Championship:
Newcastle United, Norwich City, Brentford

Spain

Atletico just edged out an impressive title win in La Liga, topping rivals Real by just a point. Valencia did well enough to secure a CL place, while Vigo continued an encouraging rise by taking the last Europa spot for a second consecutive year. 
Copa del Rey Winners:
Real Madrid
Promoted from Segunda Division:
Tenerife, Girona, Real Zaragoza

Italy

As expected, Juve cruised to their sixth straight title. AC Milan have finally returned to the Champions League by edging Roma and Inter for third. Genoa did well to claim a Europa berth in a very competitive league.
Coppa Italia winners:
Juventus
Promoted from Serie B:
Carpi, Pro Vercelli, Frosinone

France

Lyon won a shock Ligue 1 title over the likes of stacked Monaco and even more stacked PSG. Clinical striker Alexandre Lacazette scored nearly half of the team's goals to propel them to the championship. Bastia are another fresh face in the Europa League ranks, with the Corsican minnows edging Toulouse by a single GD point to get the final place. PSG actually went trophyless this season, but did reach the CL semifinals. 
Coupe de France Winners:
Olympique Lyonnais
Coupe de la Ligue Winners:
AS Monaco
Promoted from Ligue 2:
Stade Brest, Strasbourg, Valenciennes

Somehow, Sporting Lisbon were finally able to secure their first Portuguese championship since 2002. The usual suspects rounded out the top three, but Moreirense have to be the most surprising team to qualify for Europe this season. On the heels of Arouca last (and this) season, the minnows finished fourth, a personal best. Boavista got shockingly relegated after a poor season, but should come right back up.

Taca de Portugal Winners:
Porto
Promoted from LigaPro:
Santa Clara, Portimonense

Champions League

The dream of the Emirates has been completed in Cardiff. Nearly 10 years on from their purchase by Abu Dhabi Sports, Manchester City have lifted the premier trophy in club football. For Juventus, heartbreak again. This was a pulse-pounding match that kept you guessing until the end, with Man City scoring a late equalizer to force extra time and winning it with a controversial penalty in the 105th. Juve were unlucky on so many chances to put the game away when they were leading, and even more in extra time. An epic match with an epic result for the Cityzens.

There were some true shockers in the Round of 16 after we were eliminated. Bayern, Real, and Barcelona all went down to inferior opposition, leaving room for some new faces in the later stages. In the end though, it was two big clubs battling it out for the title.

Europa League

This is fantastic. Sassuolo, a club virtually unknown as recently as five years ago, have somehow gone and won the Europa League in their first ever European appearance. And they beat Man United in the final for Christ's sake! As you'd have to expect, United dominated the match, but Sassuolo held firm at the back. Both Alfred Duncan and Zlatan Ibrahimovic would slam menacing shots against the bar in the first half, but the winner came late on a legendary breakaway. Domenico Berardi took control of the ball in a seemingly innocent position, but kept going to blast through a cavalcade of six Red Devils defenders and slip the ball beyond the reach of David De Gea. The scenes in Sweden were absolutely crazy as they witnessed one of the most unlikely European coronations ever. While Sassuolo finished 11th in the Serie A this season, this victory of course means that they'll be in the Champions League next year. Everyone had better be scared...

Other Competitions:

 UEFA Super Cup:
Real Madrid 3-0 Sevilla
FIFA Club World Cup Winners:
Real Madrid
2017 African Cup of Nations Final:
Morocco 1-0 South Africa

[kidthekid]

This save may be the most surprising. In most saves, United are unstoppable, Sporting and Lyon rarely their leagues in the first year and PSG finishing third. Also, Rode is your second best performer? Say whaaaaaaaat?

[oriole01]

4 hours ago, kidthekid said:

This save may be the most surprising. In most saves, United are unstoppable, Sporting and Lyon rarely their leagues in the first year and PSG finishing third. Also, Rode is your second best performer? Say whaaaaaaaat?

Quite the crazy year indeed, none more unexpected than Sassuolo. I didn't even know who Rode was before starting the save, so he's absolutely been a revelation for me. Dude's got a pretty impressive eye for goal as a BWM as well with powerful shooting boots. Can he do it again next year? Probably not, but we'll see!

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
2016-17 Season Review

Was it a good season? Yes. Was it as good as it could have been? No. Were we close? Depends on who you ask. What is undoubtedly true, however, is that I had an absolute blast. The baldness is expanding. We're one of the most talked-about, popular, and attractive teams in Europe. All of the things I wasn't in high school. (Little did that bastard left back Peter Weiss know I'd go professional and make millions more than his petty arse... I hear he's a cashier at an Edeka in the shittiest neighborhood in Freiburg) I'm digressing. We're definitely gaining more reputation as a serious threat on the European stage, aided by our fearsome baldness and legendary fanbase. Aubameyang was magnificent this year. His eye for goal is completely unmatched, unrivaled. The back of the net bulged more times this season then I could have realistically expected. His efforts earned him top goalscorer plaudits in the Bundesliga, the European Golden Shoe, and a $79 million bid from PSG. I was able to price them out and keep hold of Auba, but the sharks are circling more vigorously then ever. But as long as we can keep hold of him, we stand a decent chance at reaching our goals. We just need a few more pieces in place to really have a go at it, and I think that potential can come from within, from our stacked academy. Good God, do we have some talented kids here.

Next season, I'm hoping for more of the same. Strong attacking football, plenty of goals, and a top-two finish in the league. It'd be lovely to progress farther than the Round of 16 in the Champions League as well (we were so close this year!) But through thick and thin, one message is always gonna have to prevail:
BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES!

Awards

You can't really dispute the player of the season, but Sebastian Rode had a cracking season, too. I really don't think Gotze can still be called a "young player" since he's already moved to Bayern and back and scored a World Cup-winning goal, but the fans will do what the fans will do. He just turned 25, so surely no more of those for him.

Lovely goal from Andre Schurrle in just our second league game of the season. Earned us a point, this beauty.

Squad|Fixtures 1|Fixtures 2|Finances 1|Finances 2
(Sorry the squad looks like that, I didn't take the screenshot before the league reset)

Contracts
We only had to renew the contract of one first team player this year, and it was club icon Roman Weidenfeller. The goalkeeping stalwart is getting older at 37, and this may very well be his last season. So let's make it another one to remember. As for staff, I had to renew a ton of guys, and made the mistake of not looking at the contracts closely. I accidentally allowed a coach on our reserves to become the assistant manager of the first team, getting our top-class assman's contract terminated by doing so. The new guy will have to be going on a ton of coaching courses, stat. I also unintentionally promoted our reserves manager to first team coach, but considering he manages in the EFL Championship in real life it may not be such a bad idea. The board hired a new guy to guide them through the 3. Liga, so I won't be too concerned there.

Expectations for 2017/18: 
Bundesliga: Top two
UEFA Champions League: Quarterfinals
DFB-Pokal: Semifinals
Other Goals: 
1. Continue youth development; give more playing time to young stars and get the youth team working hard. Hopefully we can challenge for the Youth League again.
2. Be stronger in defense- less goals conceded
3. Improve squad depth
4. Go unbeaten against Bayern, Schalke
5. Expand the "Baldness Über Alles" campaign. It can never go far enough...

Thanks for reading guys! It's been a really fun season and I appreciate all the comments and support you've provided. Only motivates me to keep pushing on and continue the insanity .

Los! Los! Los! Los!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

4 hours ago, oriole01 said:

3. Improve squad depth

Vital, especially when competing in Europe. With the amount of talent in the academy (Isak, Pulisic etc), you probably already have decent enough depth.

[oriole01]

Hans Kaiser, Case ID Number 22242342535255255322543941394984891389-Z
Incident Report, Document 66-A

20:00. June 2, 2017. Dortmund, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Germany.
Subject Hans Gerhard Kaiser and wife of subject Sophie Anna Kaiser arrive at the residence of Hans-Joachim Watzke, the chairman of Borussia Dortmund for a private homemade dinner. Subject and Watzke plan to use this social gathering as a means of commemoration for the previous season and also as a preliminary drawing board for the next season ahead. Initially, Subject, wife of Subject, Watzke, and Watze's wife Annette enjoy the evening as planned. Wife of Subject later reported that all parties were in good spirits and getting along.  The most noticeable turning point occurs around 20:54, when Watzke, who prior to the indicent was not fully briefed on the sensitivities of Subject to his previous experiences in the Congo, makes a jest related to the Congolese jungle directed at Subject. Wife of Subject later reported that at this point, Subject begins to grow visibly uneasy, his hands beginning a slight tremble and his pupils dilating. At 21:02, Subject leaves to use the restroom. When he returns, Watzke asks subject a question about his pet. The following quote has been gathered as direct witness testimony from Annette Watzke:

WATZKE: "Oh, Hans, have you ever met our dog? We all love him so much. You know, I should have brought him to the end-of-season gala last week. He would have been a real hit! *laughs* Come here, FIDO!"

According to wife of Subject, Subject immediately clutches his chest in acute pain, then puts his hands on his head and begins scratching at his bald scalp. Any words said by Subject during these moments were unintelligible to all present. Subject flips over the table, takes possession of his fork, and proceeds to-
...
 ACCESS TO THIS PORTION OF THE DOCUMENT REQUIRES AN INTERPOL CLEARANCE LEVEL OF SENIOR OFFICER OR HIGHER
...
Watzke described the hospital care as "excellent". Subject will face no criminal charges for the incident, as none were pressed by Watzke or his estate. However, Subject has been covertly placed back in the care of his therapist and case manager [REDACTED] in Essen for the remainder of the month. Subject's counselling regimen will be repeated until he is once again safe to resume normal life activities. It is indeed the hope of [REDACTED] that Subject's condition will improve, as this although this was his first incident in 10 years, the details of which can be found in Document 52-D, he is still deeply affected by the post-traumatic stress inflicted on him in the Congo. It can be noted that Watzke has not sacked Subject from his job, but there is now a very pronounced fear and distrust present whenever he encounters Subject. The media have been instructed not to report on this incident, as all contents of this document are classified with internal clearance measures in place. Interpol will remain vigilant as to any possible future incidents involving subject as it tracks the effects of the "Baldness Über Alles" mandate on the mental and physical health of Subject and others surrounding him. Interpol do consider this recent incident as alarming and distressing, (we didn't know forks could be used this way before) but we will, as always, be committed to our duty of connecting law enforcement for a safer world. 

END DOCUMENT

Hans Kaiser remembers extremely little of the night of June 2. He can only remember the Dortmund-colored garden gnomes adorning the lawn of Watzke's mansion... those creeped the **** out of him. Yet despite this, a subconscious inkling of that night must still have been in him somewhere, as he would later be known to call his front line "the four-pronged attack". 
Chilling. Absolutely ****ing chilling.

This concludes Season 1.
Thanks for reading.

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
2017-18 Pre-Season

So we've been given worse odds to win the league than last year, but Bayern's went down as well. Schalke, despite narrowly avoiding relegation last season, has been given kind odds, as well as Gladbach and Wolfsburg. The four teams below them all made Europe, and are all too far down on the list. Heidenheim are facing a massive battle to survive at the bottom, while Hannover are predicted to struggle as well. Stuttgart, however, should comfortably survive. Our key players are still Reus and Aubameyang, as they're both looking to continue world-class form this year.

Some pretty good results against diverse opposition. Lotte holding us scoreless was quite the shock though.

Transfers

On the outgoings side, the only notable departure is longtime servant Subotic, who became surplus at CB. He didn't play any part last season, as he was both injured and out on loan. He's still only 28 years old, and hopefully he can make things work at Hamburg. I've also loaned out Merino again to La Liga. Hopefully he'll develop, but I don't know if there's a place for him in this team.
Now for the incomings. Andersson, Bohl, and Arp are all youth players who will either slot in on the reserves or U19s. Mangala was on loan at the reserves last season and did well, even making a couple senior appearances earlier in the season. I made the deal permanent, and he'll return to the reserves but could challenge for a spot on the bench by the end of the season. The Toprak deal was arranged before I even took the job, and he looks to be a good addition to the squad and looks like a starter in the defense. I'm surprised Leverkusen were willing to let him go for relatively cheap, and he'll be starting his Bundesliga season against his old club right away. I may have another deal or two coming before the end of the window too.

The new season's about to start. I can't wait. We're going to trample over Leverkusen. The pitch is going to look like Rome after the Visigoths barged through... lots of ketchup.
Los! Los! Los! 

Edited November 5, 2017 by oriole01

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

55 minutes ago, oriole01 said:

Lotte holding us scoreless was quite the shock though

That would've surprised a lotte of people. 

[oriole01]

Just now, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

That would've surprised a lotte of people. 

That's not even the most surprising news involved with that team... there's a Lotte more to come.

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
The New Season- Dortmund vs. Bayer Leverkusen

What did I tell you? A great opening victory over fellow European challengers Leverkusen, who were unable to match our finishing ability on the night. Ousmane Dembele got things started early, burying a square ball on 9 minutes. The rest of the first half was quiet until the 43rd minute, when Gonzalo Castro smashed in a low volley from the edge of the area to make it 2-0 and send us into the half buzzing. Leverkusen would pull one back on 56 with a powerful strike from Hakan Calhanoglu, but Aubameyang would restore a two-goal advantage with a simple side-footed volley. Charles Aranguiz would strike back a second time for Leverkusen with an excellent long-range zinger, but we held on for a memorable win. There were no debuts in the match, as Toprak got injured and had to miss out on the opportunity to face his former club.

 Hans Kaiser couldn't stop knocking back the beers after the win over Leverkusen. The board were angry, not specifically at his drunkenness but at the results of it; Kaiser instructed Heinz to douse the pitch with ketchup and hot sauce after everyone was safely off it, saying it represented "Visigothic glory". One former classmate of Kaiser's weighed in, suggesting that he "paid a little too much attention in history class". The cleanup, which was done with a community bratwurst cookout following the game, was absolutely delicious.

Los! Los! Los! 

Edited November 5, 2017 by oriole01

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
UEFA Champions League Group Stage Draw


So I forgot to take the picture when there was one team left to draw. Say hello to small text.

We've been drawn in a tough group, with the likes of Atletico and Monaco providing a big challenge for us to advance out of the group. However, Group Stage debutants Schachzjor Solihorsk should be a comfortable six points... but who knows what's gonna happen after last year. Elsewhere in the draw, Bayern and Real Madrid will be clashing in Group E, AC Milan return to the CL for the first time in four years, Group A is dreadful, and EL winners Sassuolo have a decent chance of moving through to the Round of 16 against the likes of Porto, Lyon, and Shakhtar.

Los!

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
August 2017

We've gotten out to a flyer in the new Bundesliga season, but we've been stunned in the Pokal.

If there's one thing I've learned in this save, it's that those boys from Lotte have got some magic in them. In two previous friendlies with them, they scored the first goal in an eventual 2-1 win for us and had that lead for most of the match, and then held us to a 0-0 draw in this pre-season. They would achieve the same feat here tonight in normal time, and eventually found a way to shock us in extra time. We had far more chances then the recently-promoted 2. Bundesliga side, but could not find a way to break them down. We had our best chance of the match on 76, but their keeper would deny Emre Mor a goal by parrying his sizzling shot onto the bar and away. Heading into extra time, we were confident that we would figure out how to unlock their defense, but we got our hearts shattered on 112 when some confused marking from our defenders allowed substitute right back Nico Neidhart space to lift one over Roman Weidenfeller in net. We didn't have enough time to come back, and we trudged out of Westphalia humiliated and angry at ourselves for our complacency. Most embarrassingly, Lotte were helped to victory by two of our youth players on loan. Hans really had the urge to call them back and show them the door immediately...

After our victory on matchday one, we travelled to the former East Germany to play Leipzig, and ran out 2-0 winners. We popped off early, with Aubameyang grabbing his second goal of the new season after a poor defensive giveaway and Raphael Guerreiro firing in a free kick nine minutes later. Leipzig seemed to have lost their impressive attacking spark that they showed so frequently last season and were unable to beat Roman Burki despite forcing some great saves out of our Swiss stopper. A great three points for us as we looked to build momentum.

One of the loudest results for Dortmund under Kaiser came against Hoffenheim at the Signal Iduna. It would take 18 minutes for Andre Schurrle to score the first goal from a fast-paced breakaway. Sebastian Rode would open his scoring account for the season ten minutes later, slamming in a beautiful, Messi-esque shot from long range. We had to wait until the 62nd to add on more goals, but it was well worth the wait, with Schurrle scoring a world-class strike with a defender right on him. Sub Marco Reus would cap off a roaring night with a simple volleyed finish from a Schurrle (who was the indisputable man of the match) cross. 

Table

So at least for now, we are top, just one GD point ahead of Bayern. We did have a similar run of form at the start of last season but still ended up well of the pace of our rivals, so we really need to keep pushing for good results. Bremen, Gladbach, Schalke, and new boys Hannover have started well, while Leverkusen, Leipzig, Ingolstadt, and Heidenheim have struggled so far. 

Transfers

Here's our biggest transfer of the summer. I saw a lack of quality depth at right back, with Lukas Piszczek getting older and Erik Durm not quite at the standard we want in our first team. Mario, who has spent the entirety of his European career with CSKA Moscow and is a Russian international despite being born and raised in Brazil, should immediately slot into our starting XI. I was chasing Elseid Hysaj as my first choice before him, but Napoli didn't seem to want to let him go for a reasonable price. $25 million suits us fine in the financial department, and I'm excited to see what our new star can do for Dortmund right away.

Attributes
Next month we have a staggering seven fixtures, including our first Ruhr and Klassiker derbies of the season, as well of the start of the new CL campaign with group ties against Atletico Madrid and Schachzjor Salihorsk. It's time to buckle up and get to work!
Los! Los! Los!

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Drei
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Four- The Pre-Game
The Locker Room- Veltins-Arena
Kaiser had figured out how to smuggle the electric razors in. Even for an away derby, the Luigi's crew would usually take care of business before the game, but Hans really wanted to cover Schalke's locker room in hair this time. Sure, it was going to look suspicious that the squad came into the stadium with hair and would take the pitch bald, but treating the opponent's begrudging hospitality well wasn't their job... ****ing their **** up was. Everyone could hear the roaring of the Schalke faithful outside, desperate to restore their dignity after a 3-0 loss at the hands of Kaiser's men last time out. It was intimidating, yet acted as the firestarter to light up all of the adrenaline coursing through the away locker room. Kaiser, hopped up on ten cans of Red Bull and some high-sugar Sammarinese tea, made his first big speech of the season:

"Let me tell what I'm thinking, boys. We've beaten Leverkusen. We've beaten Leipzig. We even made Hoffenheim's tissue industry blow up two weeks ago!  I say this is your chance to make the biggest statement of them all. We are going to tear this place down, brick by brick, goal by goal! So we tell Schalke, we tell Bayern, we tell Real Madrid and anyone else who's fortunate enough to listen that WE ARE NOT TO BE MESSED WITH! ARE WE GOING TO WIN A ****ING TITLE THIS YEAR OR WHAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK, MARIO?"
MARIO FERNANDES: "Um, yes sir!"
"AND WHAT DO WE SAY HERE, MARIO?'
"Uh, Baldness Uber Alice, right?"
"YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT! Oh wait, did you say Alice...?"
An awkward silence follows.
"You know what, it doesn't matter! LET'S GO!"
ALL: "BALDNESS UBER ALLES! BALDNESS UBER ALLES! BALDNESS UBER ALLES!

The (Coal-Sided) Tunnel
KAISER: "Hmm, this is interesting, Markus. I thought I'd be seeing you in the crowd today. You know, as a supporter sipping on **** beer and munching popcorn. How the hell do you still have a job, mate?"
Weinzierl isn't in the mood. He mutters something passive-aggressive in a low voice and walks past Kaiser, seemingly unable to face the music. Hans knew his charades were getting a bit old, but the Red Bull made it kind of made it inevitable that he would be a **** to his other managers. At least this time, he didn't have to do much work. Weinzierl already looked unmotivated, depressed, and angry. Weinzierl was doing his job for him, and for Hans that caused absolutely no problem at all. It would only make the beautiful destruction of Schalke more likely in the long run.
"I guess I call the shots now, eh?" says Kaiser to the empty space in front of him, puts in his headphones with the perfect song, and strides out to the pitch with the swagger of his old stallion self and a growing optimism that he was going to come out of this hellhole with all of the scalps.

Los! Los! Los!

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Drei
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Four- The Post-Game

Come on! This has to be one of the weirdest games I've been involved in. The game could not be more frenetic early on, with all of the day's five goals coming inside of 25 minutes. Ousmane Dembele launched in our first goal in spectacular fashion, creating a chance out of nothing and whacking at the ball as quickly as he could. Guess what? It flew by the keeper into the top shelf. Just seconds later, however, Max Meyer would score a similarly odd goal, hitting a rushed, tame shot that Roman Burki seemed astonished to actually be heading towards him. He fluffed the save and the ball found its way to the back of the net.  Auba would give us back the lead with a more straightforward goal, smashing one in from open space. Two more minutes, and there was another goal for the Smurfs. Burki came way too far off his line to try to stop Breel Embolo's header, and ended up diving in front of him and a few yards to the side... I don't know what happened with goalkeeper animations this year. Naldo would score the last of the day, hitting a powerful header that Burki again could not save. Neither of the goalkeepers in this match ate their Wheaties. From the way it was looking early on, this match seemed destined to break Bundesliga scoring records, but all further chances in this match could not be converted. Late on, we had a calamitous own goal called back due to Christian Pulisic being very slightly offside, enraging Hans Kaiser and the travelling Dortmund supporters.

We really should have won this one, but we just got too unlucky on the day. We'll win in Gelsenkirchen someday.
Los!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Unlucky against Schalke. Well fought though so I think ye'll seriously push Bayern this year.

[oriole01]

6 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Unlucky against Schalke. Well fought though so I think ye'll seriously push Bayern this year.

Thanks mate. Here's hoping, but with that loss we're already three points adrift and Bayern only lost twice last year. It's going to be really tough.

[oriole01]

Der Klassiker- Chapter Vier
Bundesliga Week Seven- The Pre-Game
The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
It's the first Klassiker of the year, and Hans Kaiser is pumped. Already, he and his team had a chance to prove a point against Bayern in the fledgling title race. A win would move them above Ancelotti's men on goal difference, but not necessarily to the top. Bayern had already lost their first game of the season two matches previous- a shocker by Stuttgart- and Hans saw this as an opportunity to further dent their confidence. How would he go about that, exactly? With a main course of baldness and a side dish of pranks. He was quickly able to set up one of the corporate employees' sons in a Pennywise costume and scare the **** out of the entire Bayern squad as he jumped out of a locker in the middle of their team talk. The video footage was gold, stirring up enormous popularity on social media, but Kaiser hoped he had subliminally instilled a dread in his opponents. After all, they had all gone and seen the new film 'IT' the previous week, as Ancelotti was known to treat the lads to movie nights after training. Kaiser wasn't so generous, but as a King fan he had seen the movie himself, inspiring him to think of what each Bayern player's deepest fear might have been. Who knew Arjen Robben was terrified of chinchillas? Weird. It made their appearance in his boots all the more satisfying...

The Tunnel
Fall had just begun. It was a beautiful time of year in Dortmund, with the leaves beginning to change and the first cool breezes arriving in from the north. It was a crisp, mild evening right before kickoff, with the sun setting and the atmosphere in the stadium jovial. But Kaiser and Ancelotti still chose to meet in the darkest part of the tunnel. They hadn't made any direct contact since Ancelotti's impromptu phone call to Kaiser's house after Bayern's title win. That call hadn't made things any better. It had made it worse. Kaiser strikes a match in the darkness, illuminating both of their faces in a warm glow.
"Welcome back, Carlo. I hope you found the wolf spider in your tactics folder entertaining."
"You're a sick bastard, Kaiser. Did you really think it was appropriate to sabotage my work with all your childish games? Do you think it's fair? You nearly gave Arturo a heart attack with that fake severed head. Do you even know what he saw on the streets of Santiago!?  Awful. Shameful."
"Oh, so it's Mr. Morality speaking to me now eh? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe last time we spoke you were cheating on your wife with a certain lady who had her..."
Ancelotti rushes to put his hand over Kaiser's mouth.
"Shut. Up." he whispers threateningly, then lets go.
"Fine, I just hope you know that this chess match continues until there's no ****ing pieces left. I'm not going to surrender, Carlo, and I know you won't either. But I can sure as hell make it hard on you. I can make it unbearable. Hell, I can make it your worst nightmare... like that tarantula that's been resting on the back of your neck this whole time."
Ancelotti's eyes bulge. He's not sure if Kaiser is playing more mind games, but he slowly moves his hand behind him as Kaiser watches on in amusement. As soon as he feels the fuzzy embrace of a Mexican Redknee, he unleashes a string of vulgar Italian expletives, while Kaiser dashes as fast as he can towards the pitch, extinguishing the match on his bald forehead. Hans knew that Paco the spider wouldn't survive the inevitable fury of Ancelotti's mad stomps, but his rival would still be greeted with 75,000 bald and angry Dortmund supporters once he was through with that ordeal. What a time to be a football manager.

Los! Los! Los! Los!

Edited November 18, 2017 by oriole01

[oriole01]

Der Klassiker- Chapter Vier
Bundesliga Week Seven- The Post-Game

God damn it. I'm starting to think Hans should just shut his mouth before big games. We only lost because of a terrible screw-up. On 32, Roman Weidenfeller rolled the ball out to Bjorn Engels, who would in turn pass it over to Rode, who would try to pass it back to Weidenfeller. The ball got lost in translation between the two, and Robert Lewandowski strode up to kick it into the net. We were totally short-changed, and couldn't find a goal against an impenetrable Bayern defense to compensate. It's extremely frustrating losing to every big club I play. What's most angering about this fixture is that it probably marks the end of our title challenge seven games in. ****ing bummer.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

6 hours ago, oriole01 said:

What's most angering about this fixture is that it probably marks the end of our title challenge seven games in. ****ing bummer.

What's the points margin between the two of you?

For the trip to the Allianz Arena later on the season, maybe use more spiders and chinchillas. Fill the place up.

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
September 2017

This wasn't the best month, but there were absolutely some bright spots to accompany the lows.

See above for details on our defeats to Schalke and Bayern.

Our new Champions League campaign started at home against Atletico Madrid, but the fans were not treated to a good showing. We came up against a peak-form Kevin Gameiro, who would open the scoring on just 6 minutes with a low drive into our bottom corner. Aubameyang would level things up later in the half, driving one in after multiple previous shots had been blocked. However, Atletico would take just a minute to regain the advantage, with Gameiro scoring again from close in. We were unable to find a breakthrough in the second half, leaving Atletico to punish us with a third goal off the head of Antoine Griezmann, exploiting a poor choice from Roman Weidenfeller to try and punch the ball away from him. A poor start to our campaign, especially considering that this game was at home.

Reeling from two consecutive losses, we hoped to bounce back against Hertha in the league, but ended up disappointed in just gaining a point. It took until half time for there to be a breakthrough, as in stoppage time Marco Reus would fire in our first from a tough angle. Santi Mina would equalize for Hertha on 55, scoring from an identical position to Reus in one of their first chances of the game. The parity wouldn't last long, though, as just two minutes later Auba would apply an easy finish from a Pulisic cross. We looked set to earn a routine win, but just as I was about to switch to contain on 82, Sebastian Kerk would score for Hertha off a clever counter. We went all out to try and score again, but could not prevent a stalemate despite us having far more chances in the game.

Hamburg was a boring match overall, but things heated up immensely in the late goings. After having few good chances beforehand, we finally broke through thanks to substitute Shinji Kagawa in the 84th, his shot benefiting from a deflection to give us the lead. With a win looking dusted, Bobby Wood came from nowhere to score one of the best goals of his young career on 86, hitting a strike from 30 yards perfectly into the bottom-right corner and sending the home crowd into raptures. But in the frenetic moments that followed, we would score again. Another key deflection would bring Sebastian Rode's strike onto Ousmane Dembele's head, with the 20-year-old reacting lightning-fast to beat a dazed keeper. Another goal would have made everyone's head hurt, so luckily we held on after the second goal to win. Our two super-subs saved the day!

After our bitter loss to Bayern, we got a pick-me-up in the form of a trip to Belarus to play underdogs Schachzjor Solihorsk in our second CL match. As much as I love seeing clubs like this on the big stage, these guys never stood a chance. Our heavily-rotated squad had no trouble blowing up Schachzjor's net, with wonderkids taking center stage. The Turk Emre Mor got one, the Brazilian Richarlison got two, and "Das Amerikan" Christian Pulisic getting three and the match ball. I'll take a 6-0 win in the Champions League any day. Pretty sure those don't come too often.

We ended a very busy month with a win in Bavaria against Ingolstadt, although our tired legs made this one less convincing than it should have. Pulisic continued his scorching form from the last match, going unmarked at the back post and smacking in a Reus cross. This would be the only goal of the day, but just moments later, Roman Burki kept out a chance from Marco Terrazzino with a massive save after the defense had faltered. That being their best opportunity of the day, we staved them off all throughout the second half to claim three points and a clean sheet.

Tables
  
We're sticking with the pace in both competitions. In the league, we were lucky that Bayern dropped points again; to another newly-promoted side in Hannover. That keeps us in okay shape for now, but there's not too many things more painful for a Dortmund fan than to see Bayern and Schalke atop the table. Bremen and Gladbach have continued some really impressive form so far after both clubs had poor showings last season. Hamburg, Leverkusen, and even new boys Stuttgart and Hannover are in the conversation as well early on.  Wolfsburg and Leipzig are really struggling, and it's unbelievable that the latter still don't have a win yet considering how good they were last year. Even Heidenheim have one, for Christ's sake! Ingolstadt are the worst of the lot at the moment, but they can count themselves unlucky with all but one of their losses coming by a margin of one goal.

In the CL, we're in second, ahead of Monaco on goal difference. Atletico have done very well by beating both of the big teams so far, and shouldn't be having any trouble reaching 12 points with back-to-back matches against Solihorsk. Our doubleheader will be against the Principality, the results of which could really make or break our chances of moving on to the knockout stages.

Five more matches next month, including the aforementioned doubleheader and a lighter league schedule.
Los! Los! Los!

[oriole01]

12 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

What's the points margin between the two of you?

For the trip to the Allianz Arena later on the season, maybe use more spiders and chinchillas. Fill the place up.

That league table will answer your question. It looks like I overreacted in saying we were done for, but Bayern are definitely not known for stumbling too often, and you never know when they could break out for a crazy winning streak. So I kind of see any lead by them as being very tough to overcome.

Absolutely! It may even get more intense than that .

[kidthekid]

you still have all your goals in front of you. Not a bad start to the season so far.

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
October 2017

Not the best of months, with some rough results in the CL and a shocking loss in the league.

We started out after the international break with Köln at home, and left it very late to claim victory. We absolutely throttled The Billy Goats, outshooting them 27-5, but they appeared to have taken the lead first through Anthony Modeste. It was rightfully called back for offside. We nearly had our feet in front on 83 when Sebastian Rode slammed one against the bar from 30 yards out, but finally got the finish we were looking for four minutes later from Julian Weigl's half-volleyed screamer. He's only scored two goals for Kaiser's Dortmund, and both have been belting match winners from outside the area. The home fans released their collective nervous breaths, then screamed after the ball had gone in. What a man.

We would follow this up with a sideshow against Monaco in the Principality. Hakan Calhanoglu, who Dortmund were very familiar with as a Leverkusen player, was unstoppable on the night, reining in a hat trick in a night of few chances for the visitors. This one really sucked.

Even worse, we were stunned by Stuttgart at the Mercedes-Benz. Josip Brekalo would open the scoring for them on 8, but we would equalize on 32 from Shinji Kagawa's goal in wide-open space. We were awarded a chance to go ahead from the spot after a push in the box just before half time, but Auba infuriatingly fired his effort far too close to former Dortmund keeper Mitch Langerak.  Brekalo would complete an easy brace on 73, and as we pushed for another, they hit us again through Takuma Asano, effectively putting the game to rest.

Thankfully, our performance against Wolfsburg was much better. Andre Schurrle would open the scoring on 50 from the spot, and Emre Mor would finish it just seven minutes later, capping a great break with a finish that was wise beyond his 19 years. Another complete shutdown of Wolfsburg, who in three matches we have now outscored 7-0, with little to no chances awarded to the 15/16 CL quarterfinalists.

 Our second outing against Monaco in the CL could have been worse, but certainly should have been better as well. Kagawa came close with a bar shot on 8, but our hopes of a good result were severely damaged when Sven Bender was sent off shortly before the half. Yet we still pushed with ever more fervor as it became clear that Monaco weren't going to threaten our goal. As you could probably expect, we got nothing out of it, leaving our continental campaign in jeopardy heading into the final two fixtures.

Tables

It could be much worse in the league, as Bayern have dropped a few more points. But a four-point gap is still not easy to bridge. Stuttgart, aided by their victory over us, are all the way up in 4th. Bremen and Gladbach have cooled off. Heidenheim find themselves outside the relegation zone for now. Leipzig only just claimed their first win at the end of the month, yet are still above Ingolstadt and Augsburg.
In the CL, we must win out against Schachzjor and Atletico to stand any chance of qualifying, and also hope that Monaco bottle both their remaining fixtures, as they hold the clear head-to-head edge. In all likelihood, we'll be dropping down to the Europa League knockouts, which I'll have to fancy us as semifinalists at the very least. I'm sure that'll work wonders for my job security, though .

In November, we continue a lighter league schedule and face Atletico in a pivotal CL match.

Los!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Leverkusen's form 

I wouldn't worry too much about job security. It'll only drop significantly if you perform badly in the league but you're doing fine.

[oriole01]

45 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Leverkusen's form 

I wouldn't worry too much about job security. It'll only drop significantly if you perform badly in the league but you're doing fine.

Yeah, they've been on a tear after starting poorly. However, they just lost to Hamburg 1-3. Stuttgart have been on banging form as well, which no one could have anticipated. I have to say this has been a strange season so far!

Thanks mate, hopefully it won't be too big a problem, especially if we put on a good showing in the Europa.

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
November 2017

A decent month, and one that was certainly Marco Reus' to take in the absence of an injured Aubameyang.

We started out with an unconvincing performance against new boys Heidenheim, although we ultimately grabbed the three points. Mario Gotze had the first half's best chance denied by Kevin Muller, and we nearly went behind in the second to Marc Schnatterer, who found himself in ample space but couldn't apply a worthy finish to a great chance. Substitute Reus would get the game's only goal on 72, turning in a Kagawa pass with expert ability.

We would win again against Hannover, but again there were some doubts on our stamina and consistency. Reus would grab two goals inside a half hour, his first a side-footed volley in open space, and his second a well-placed drive from the edge of the area. Just moments after the second half whistle, Andre Schurrle would make it three with a straightforward finish from a quick break. However, we would give Hannover far too much leeway to come back into contention. Kenan Karaman slipped in their first on 52, and Uffe Bech would make things nervous in added time with a close-range finish. We would hang onto three points, but we let our guard down for most of the second half.

In a pivotal Champions League match, we faced Atletico Madrid. This was a well-contested match at the Wanda Metropolitano that saw all three goals come in the second half, but we disappointed again. Veteran defender Juanfran would bang in a volley on 64 to give Atletico the advantage, but a Reus penalty gave us hope of coming away with a victory. We got nothing in the end, as Nico Gaitan broke Dortmund hearts on 83 with a beautiful solo run and finish to cap a breathless second half for our opponents. A deserved victory for a much better side, leaving the bald travelling fans in disarray.

Our last fixture of the month against Frankfurt heeded the most disappointing result. A match we absolutely dominated ended with no goals, with much of the blame falling on a lackluster attacking performance from our young Brazilian Richarlison. The 20-year-old failed to convert several favorable opportunities, ones that would eventually cost us the game. A missing Auba really harmed us this month, and this deficit at the front is only going to continue as long as he isn't around.

Tables

We had the Bundesliga lead up until the Frankfurt draw. Rivals Bayern and Schalke are back up ahead by a point, with surprise contenders Stuttgart and Hamburg knocking on my doorstep below. Leverkusen cooled down a bit but are still in a good position, while Bremen continue to drop points. Wolfsburg make a big jump up, but are still in the thick of a very tight section of the table. Hoffenheim and Hertha are far removed from the European race far down the table, and even look in danger to slip into the relegation battle. The bottom three remains the same.

Our CL hopes are crushed. The board aren't too happy, but our solid league form has kept them satisfied overall so far. We're confirmed to be dropping down to the Europa League, and should pick up a confidence-boosting three points against the Belorussians in our last game. I'm pretty sure I'll be IR'ing that one to give my inexperienced assistant some time at the helm. I have to be confident for our chances in the EL, but a tricky draw in the earlier knockout rounds could still throw us for a loop. We'll have to see.

In December, fixtures get congested before Germany enters its winter break. We'll be facing some more difficult opposition before then, with a light game thrown in against Schachzjor.

Los!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

On 10/12/2017 at 03:17, oriole01 said:

Borussia Dortmund
November 2017

A decent month, and one that was certainly Marco Reus' to take in the absence of an injured Aubameyang.

We started out with an unconvincing performance against new boys Heidenheim, although we ultimately grabbed the three points. Mario Gotze had the first half's best chance denied by Kevin Muller, and we nearly went behind in the second to Marc Schnatterer, who found himself in ample space but couldn't apply a worthy finish to a great chance. Substitute Reus would get the game's only goal on 72, turning in a Kagawa pass with expert ability.

We would win again against Hannover, but again there were some doubts on our stamina and consistency. Reus would grab two goals inside a half hour, his first a side-footed volley in open space, and his second a well-placed drive from the edge of the area. Just moments after the second half whistle, Andre Schurrle would make it three with a straightforward finish from a quick break. However, we would give Hannover far too much leeway to come back into contention. Kenan Karaman slipped in their first on 52, and Uffe Bech would make things nervous in added time with a close-range finish. We would hang onto three points, but we let our guard down for most of the second half.

In a pivotal Champions League match, we faced Atletico Madrid. This was a well-contested match at the Wanda Metropolitano that saw all three goals come in the second half, but we disappointed again. Veteran defender Juanfran would bang in a volley on 64 to give Atletico the advantage, but a Reus penalty gave us hope of coming away with a victory. We got nothing in the end, as Nico Gaitan broke Dortmund hearts on 83 with a beautiful solo run and finish to cap a breathless second half for our opponents. A deserved victory for a much better side, leaving the bald travelling fans in disarray.

Our last fixture of the month against Frankfurt heeded the most disappointing result. A match we absolutely dominated ended with no goals, with much of the blame falling on a lackluster attacking performance from our young Brazilian Richarlison. The 20-year-old failed to convert several favorable opportunities, ones that would eventually cost us the game. A missing Auba really harmed us this month, and this deficit at the front is only going to continue as long as he isn't around.

Tables

We had the Bundesliga lead up until the Frankfurt draw. Rivals Bayern and Schalke are back up ahead by a point, with surprise contenders Stuttgart and Hamburg knocking on my doorstep below. Leverkusen cooled down a bit but are still in a good position, while Bremen continue to drop points. Wolfsburg make a big jump up, but are still in the thick of a very tight section of the table. Hoffenheim and Hertha are far removed from the European race far down the table, and even look in danger to slip into the relegation battle. The bottom three remains the same.

Our CL hopes are crushed. The board aren't too happy, but our solid league form has kept them satisfied overall so far. We're confirmed to be dropping down to the Europa League, and should pick up a confidence-boosting three points against the Belorussians in our last game. I'm pretty sure I'll be IR'ing that one to give my inexperienced assistant some time at the helm. I have to be confident for our chances in the EL, but a tricky draw in the earlier knockout rounds could still throw us for a loop. We'll have to see.

In December, fixtures get congested before Germany enters its winter break. We'll be facing some more difficult opposition before then, with a light game thrown in against Schachzjor.

Los!

Solid league performance. It's very tight up top but wins in the next few should see you put a gap between yourselves and Bayern if they continue dropping points.

Champions League didn't go great but it was a very tough group. Europa League is a decent chance to get some silverware. Any other big teams in there?

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
December 2017

Unbeaten heading into the winter break. Not optimal by any stretch, but still unbeaten. All of our goalscorers were different this month, which was pretty cool as well.

We began the festive month of December with a draw against Werder Bremen, and were lucky to come away with the point after scoring the equalizer in added time. We were the better team, but Bremen held the lead for most of the match. Their goal came through Max Kruse in the 17th minute from an excellent shot into the top bins. Andre Schurrle would miss a great chance to draw level shortly after half time, first hitting the post and then somehow firing wide across the face of goal on a virtually empty net. However, he would atone for this mistake on 91, capping a brilliant counter with a tap-in from Emre Mor's cross. It was a relief to snatch a draw from the jaws of defeat, but we could have done better in this one.

We also could have done better against Schachzjor in our dead rubber CL match, but Julian Weigl's brilliant goal in the 11th minute was enough excitement for the day. The young man with a penchant for rare yet spectacular goals clocked one in perfectly from outside the area to give us the win.

We had to come from behind again against Gladbach, and we were again grateful to get a point at home. The first half was owned by our opponents. The 23rd minute saw Raffael turn in a simple finish from Patrick Herrmann's service, then eight minutes later Herrmann would benefit from Raffael's deflected pass to score in open space. We were able to pull one back right before halftime through Mario Gotze's long-awaited first goal of the season, then bring it back level just four minutes from time from Bjorn Engels' towering header, the Belgian netting his first goal for Dortmund. Again, we shouldn't have had to come from behind, but I was satisfied with the job done.

We finally got the win we needed against relegation candidates Augsburg at the WWK Arena. It took until the second half for us to strike, with Richarlison ending a terrible goal drought through a lovely solo goal. Emre Mor would seal it for us late on, clanking a shot off the underside of the bar and in, leaving no chance for the keeper.

Table

I certainly did not think Schalke would be topping the table after their unbelievably poor showing last season, but Weinzierl must have figured something out; they're an attacking force with three more wins than any other side. Bayern continue to drop points like they've got butterfingers, as they haven't won a game in the league since November 26.  The title race appears to be down to five teams, which surely no one would have predicted to include Stuttgart and Hamburg at the start of the season. Bremen, Leverkusen, and Gladbach look set to fight for EL places. Leipzig and Wolfsburg have recovered form, and Heidenheim are enjoying a comfortable 11th place for the moment being. The relegation race is still unclear, but Augsburg really look like they're not on the same page as the rest of us, as they've won just one game out of their last 14 (a win against Bayern ).

Europa League Draw

Thank god it's an easy one to start out. Plzen had a relatively light group after getting knocked out in the CL Playoff, finishing second behind Olympiacos and ahead of Standard Liege and Olimpija Ljubljana. They're not to be laughed at, but they were definitely one of the lightest teams we could have drawn in this Round of 32.

@Fer Fuchs Ake here's the full draw:

We avoided the likes of Chelsea, Liverpool, Man United, Sevilla, Benfica, Porto, Inter, and Roma at the first hurdle, all of which could have ended us. Zenit and Bilbao would have been tricky too.
 
Hans Kaiser's Note:
I must say this has been a strange season. We've been a less consistent side in the league, but we're roughly in the same position we were in at this time last year. Bayern's relatively poor form and Stuttgart's amazing form have been equally surprising and amusing. The last thing I want is for Carlo to lose his job. That would bring a most unpleasant and unsatisfying end to our rivalry. If he is going to fall, I want it to be at my hands on the biggest stage possible, not in some boardroom hundreds of miles away. We were also eliminated from the Champions League, which although disappointing, does give us a much better chance at meaningful silverware in the Europa League. Plzen don't stand a ****ing chance. It was a tough group, so hopefully the dice will roll our way next year. The one thing I don't want to talk about is the Pokal. I respect Lotte's achievement, but there is no excuse for that loss, especially since they've now been eliminated in the Third Round. All we can hope for now is Lady Luck to be on our side. We'll keep shaving our heads in honor of that hope. I may be looking to the transfer market to supplement our squad this January, but we already have a strong enough unit to keep challenging, especially with Aubameyang coming back from injury. Maybe with a couple more pieces we can really hit our stride. Until then, just wait and see. The baldness will take care of the rest.

Los! Los! Los!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Ah cheers. Some tricky teams in there. More than I thought there'd be.

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
January 2018
It's 2018, everyone! This marks the farthest in time I've ever gone on an FM save . Still not completed more than two seasons on a save yet, though. This month was mostly covered by the winter break, but we returned to action towards the end and did business in the transfer market, which is what I'll show first.

We bring in one of the game's best young stars in Marco Asensio, and another Latin phenom Miguel Almiron from the clutches of the MLS. I'm not sure why Real would let Asensio go, even on loan, but I'm absolutely delighted to have him here and he'll slot into the first team immediately. Almiron will have to develop a bit before getting his chance at the first team, but I think he can defy his scouted PA and become a good player here. A good window overall, but our squad is starting to get large.

Miguel Almiron Marco Asensio

We took on Paderborn and Arminia Bielefield in friendlies. The former was an easy win, but the latter saw us alarmingly go 2-0 down until we found a way back to draw.

Our return to league action gave us a rude awakening in the form of a big loss to Leverkusen. A combination of poor fitness and a cold, hostile BayArena saw us crumble. Jonathan Tah smacked in a header for them on just two minutes, then Luciano Vietto would double the advantage with an incisive finish on 33. On the hour mark, Karim Bellarabi's shot deflected off Raphael Guerreiro and beyond a bamboozled Burki. Credited as a Guerreiro own goal for 3-0. We got one back through Omer Toprak's first goal for the club, a powerful header that left no chance for the keeper, but there was no hope for a comeback. Andrea Belotti would dust us off on 88 and send us packing with a terrible result.

However, the next match against RB Leipzig couldn't be more different. In just his second competitive game, Asensio would light up the Signal Iduna to delight the fans. His first goal was taken with power, fooling the onrushing keeper for 1-0. His second was taken with a delicate finesse, once again beating the keeper in a one-on-one by side-footing it through. Just a minute later, Auba was set up by a poor defensive touch to make it 3-0 with his first goal since September. On 57, Asensio would set up a brilliant cross for Emre Mor, who although initially hesitating, would score.  Substitute Richarlison got our last goal on 85 with a lovely bent finish into the upper right-hand corner. We would lose the clean sheet on 89, as Marcel Halstenberg's free kick rode a wicked deflection into the net. Nevertheless, a dominant performance from start to (almost) finish. Of course, that's the only thing those utter bastards at Leipzig deserve.

  

So we do drop a place to 3rd, but we're closer to Schalke than last time after they dropped points twice in a row. Bayern seem to have gotten the taste for victory back over the break, as they've won two straight and are in the race again. Stuttgart are right behind us, and Leverkusen are still alive in the title race too. Ingolstadt have had a Renaissance recently, going on an encouraging run of form to cannon out of the relegation zone. Hertha and Frankfurt are on really poor form, both dropping into dangerous positions, but at least Augsburg seem to have recovered since the break to keep themselves near safety.

Next month will see Almiron make his debut against Hoffenheim, a Ruhr Derby, and our Europa League Round of 32 tie with Plzen.

Thank god this works again .

Los! Los! Los!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Solid progress in the league. The title challenge is still very much on. Almiron looks like a bit of a bargain.

[oriole01]

4 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Solid progress in the league. The title challenge is still very much on. Almiron looks like a bit of a bargain.

Thanks mate! Almiron has got some eye-popping attributes, that's for sure. His real-life highlights in the MLS are quite a fun watch, he's so clearly above that league .

[BoxToBox]

Almiron looks brilliant, maybe not the highest ca/pa, but spent in all the right areas. My kind of player!

[oriole01]

12 hours ago, BoxToBox said:

Almiron looks brilliant, maybe not the highest ca/pa, but spent in all the right areas. My kind of player!

Cheers BoxToBox! The only areas I'm not yet satisfied with are his marking, tackling, and determination. He got a 6.8 in his first match so he'll probably just be in rotation for the second half of this season, next year should be his chance to make a big break.

[BoxToBox]

58 minutes ago, oriole01 said:

Cheers BoxToBox! The only areas I'm not yet satisfied with are his marking, tackling, and determination. He got a 6.8 in his first match so he'll probably just be in rotation for the second half of this season, next year should be his chance to make a big break.

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Vier
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Twenty-One- The Pre-Game
 2:43 AM- 3:11 AM. Friday, February 9, 2018. Signal Iduna Park.
(This is my first long-form narrative of the thread. Hope you guys enjoy it)
A strong wind howls through an otherwise silent night in Dortmund. It turns the peaceful snowfall malignant and wicked, pounding itself like a battering ram against the various buildings where residents live and work. At the Signal Iduna Park, the snowfall couldn't be much worse. Countless ribbons of fast, biting snow zip through the air, reducing visibility to near zero. It feels as if Boreas, the god of winter himself, has blasted all his fury down from the clouds. All the water around the city freezes instantly. The entire stadium complex becomes whiter than a ghost in a matter of minutes. Alone in all the alabaster madness, a single black car rolls along the slick roads, stopping 300 meters from the stadium entrance, near a park. The door opens, and a young boy, no more than 10 years old, emerges into the vicious winter night. He is dressed all in black; a newsboy cap, a long wool coat, and army boots cover his small, wiry frame. His ears and face are already stinging in the raw cold. Seconds later, the car speeds away.

The boy makes his way to the foot of the Stadion Rote Erde, Dortmund II's ground just outside the Signal Iduna, and crawls underneath a hole in the stands to reach the pitch, now completely submerged in snow. He sprints across the ground, and reaches the fence standing between him and the grand stage of the Dortmund stadium. As the boy climbs the aluminum barrier, he feels the coarse fabric of his pants catch onto the fence, trapping him. Panic temporarily sets in. Moving like a jittery fish in a net, he desperately tries to shake himself free, but to no avail. He then remembers hearing from someone in his past that the best technique to escape any situation was to make decisions and conduct actions calmly and precisely. He does exactly this, slowly pulling the fabric against the bar until it gives way. He makes it over the fence, knowing he has lost valuable time and potentially even a lack of detection. He briefly pulls off his gloves to examine his hands, discovering that they are losing all color and numbing fast. He rushes beneath the stadium canopy, relieved of being out of the harsh cold but also regretting leaving its dense cover. It was a given that security would soon be upon him, as he had already detected several cameras in the area training on his face. However, he figures he should still try to reach his destination as quickly as possible in the hopes of a security lapse. In fact, there was such a lapse...

The Borussia Dortmund security office was perpetually mundane. The overnight staff of seven guards consisted of overweight, gruff men down on their luck in life, many of whom had been fired from their day jobs for one reason or another and seen no better choice than to take a low-paying job at the local football giant. At least the stadium was visually pretty and well-kept. Most people would have gone mad working in anything less every night. On most nights, the men would sit in the cramped, cluttered security room drinking beers, smoking anything they could get their hands on, eating donuts, sleeping, and playing darts with Kaiser's face on the bolts and a printout of Carlo Ancelotti's face on the board. As per new club policy, the men had to either be bald or wear a "bald cap" over their hair to reinforce the club's collective goal of bringing baldness to the masses. Each of them absolutely hated that. "No man should have to sacrifice his hair, even with the use of a costume," they postulated. They frequently discussed quitting their jobs to "stick it to the man", yet they all knew this job was all they had to provide for their families. 

On this particular night, there had been quite the bender in the office. Thursdays were known as "DAB Donnerstag", named after the locally-brewed DAB beer that was a personal favorite of so many people at the club. But now it was Friday morning, and all seven men lay passed out and sprawled across the floor when the alarms went off.  The highly unprofessional collection of guards frantically rise to their feet as loud buzzing noises blast through the room. 
"Oh ****, what's happening?!"
"We've got an intruder!"
"Bring up the master view!"
One of the men clumsily fumbles with the computer keys, inputting all three layers of security passwords (many times incorrectly in his drunken stupor) and looks across the display of all 108 security cameras available to them, searching for the source of the alarm. Frustratingly, nearly all of the cameras are obscured or completely covered by snow. Finally, after several minutes of poring over the screen, the men spot a small, dark figure in one of the cameras running through the bowels of the stadium. Three of the guards hastily throw on their uniforms and grab their stun guns, then set out towards the phantom-like intruder.

The boy is nearly at his desired destination, the BORUSSEUM. He is freezing, tired, and nearly out of breath. He's run the entire length of the massive stadium, going up and down stairs, turning corners, and dodging man-made obstacles in the halls. The life-size Klopp and Kaiser statues nearly got him! Now he was standing in an elevator heading up to the BORUSSEUM, finally with a few moments to breathe and reflect. In his young lif,e he had never done something so wrong or so serious, but the entire course of his life would be changed if he failed his mission. He took a few deep breaths, then stepped out of the elevator. He was only half-surprised to be greeted by three bald-cap wearing security guards. A few awkward seconds pass, as the men process the shock of learning their intruder isn't tall enough to ride most roller coasters. The boy recognizes this in their eyes. This was exactly where his young age would become an advantage and the difficult part of the mission would begin. Then one of the more compassionate guards speaks.
"Um... what are you doing here, little boy? Are you lost?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing out in the cold? You know you can get hurt very easily in this sort of weather."
"My daddy kicked me out of the house. I wanted to come here because I know it's so warm."
There are a few glances between the guards. They all show disgust at the thought of someone condemning a child to the cold, but look confused and suspicious at the boy's reasoning for coming to the stadium instead of a friend's or relative's.
"Well son, it's very late and the stadium isn't open right now. We're going to call your daddy and the police so we can make sure you're safe. You'll have to come with us."
The man pushes a button on the elevator, and the four begin their descent to the security room in the stadium's basement.
In the corner of the elevator, the boy stands as far apart from the guards as he can, silently producing a small radio. It's black, nondescript and no bigger than a thumb. As the elevator nears the basement, he whispers:
"I need the distraction."

The security room reeks of human desperation and overindulgence. The aftermath of DAB Donnerstag in the form of broken beer bottles, drug paraphernalia, and half-eaten, Hans Kaiser-shaped donuts looks like a more scene fitting of a college frat party than in the quarters of the private police force of one of Europe's top football clubs. The seven guards, some of them still very drunk, look at the boy in astonishment. The vast majority of the rare issues they had on the overnight shift consisted of drunk couples trying to get frisky in the stands or stray pets wandering into the halls. Never had a lone child come into their company at this time of night.
"Um, sorry it looks like this, son. We don't usually have kids in here."
The boy stays silent.
"Alright, can I first ask you for your name?"
"Daniel."
No way in hell would the boy give his real name.
"Okay Daniel, before we call the police, is there someone you trust that we can try to talk to first?"
"No. There's just my daddy, and he won't let me back in."
Another lie.
"What about your mommy?"
"She's gone."
This time, the boy was telling the truth.
The guard sighs.
"Okay Daniel, I suppose I'm going to have to call the police to get you sorted out. Don't worry, they're very nice men, and their job is to help you."
Just as the guard moves to the phone to dial 110, an earth-shattering noise rocks the entire arena. Glass lights explode and disappear into the still-furious snow from the sheer force of the noise. Everyone in the security office is thrown across the room. The noises continue, and this time they hear a voice that sounds like it is coming out of a thousand megaphones. 
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" screams one of the guards.
"WE'VE GOT TO GET UP THERE NOW!" yells another.
"COME ON, MOVE! SCHULZ, YOU STAY WITH THE KID!" shouts a third.
The other six guards rush out of the room and up to the pitch, where later police reports would reveal that they were greeted (on every single screen in the stadium) by a maximum-volume video clip of Hans Kaiser from 2000 in which he and a teammate played football with a highly intelligent group of chimpanzees at the Freiburg zoo. Although they shouldn't have cared, many of the guards were thoroughly surprised that the apes won.

Fabian Schulz, as it turned out, was personally hired to the overnight security department by Hans Kaiser. A childhood friend from Endingen, Schulz had shown plenty of promise as a young artist but fell into heroin addiction after the death of his mother. Now rehabilitated but unable to find work due to numerous petty theft and drug convictions, Kaiser showed Schulz generosity by hiring him to the security team, albeit at the lowest-paying security position available. It was clear that he was damaged. There are scars on his face, arms, legs, and neck from various violent episodes during his years as an addict. Yet he still maintains a rugged attractiveness: his curly brown hair, dark brown eyes, and trimmed goatee catch the attention of anyone he passes. Schulz was the only member of the team who refused to take part in their nightly drinking and smoking binges. He remained quiet, like a robot at times. He was there simply to collect a paycheck to feed himself and his young daughter. Yet when he was tasked with looking after the 10-year-old stranger who had wandered into the stadium, some of that fatherly instinct took over, and he broke his silence.
"So your dad doesn't like you?"
" No," says the boy.
"I know how you feel. My dad didn't like me much either."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You're too young to be worried about anything other than your happiness. I hope things are gonna be okay when you get home."
"Thanks."
Schulz fishes in his pocket, then pulls out a card signed by Hans Kaiser.
"Are you a Dortmund fan?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"Take it. It's got the manager's signature on it. He's a friend of mine."
"Really?"
"Yep. We went to school together a long time ago. The only reason I've got a job is because of him."
For a second, the boy thinks of taking the card. This was a genuinely kind man, the likes of which he had rarely seen in his life. A tear rolls down the boy's cheek. Then he draws his stun gun and sticks the prongs into Schulz's chest.  A look of shock and pain comes across the man's face. For a brief moment, their eyes lock, the boy beginning to cry more profusely now and the man in utter disbelief of what has just happened. Then Schulz crumples to the floor, unconscious.
"I'm sorry," the boy whispers through his tears.
He puts the card back in Schulz's pocket, then leaves the room to continue his mission.

 The boy knows he has very little time until the rest of the guards realize they have been fooled and will come back searching for him. He heads back up the elevator to the BORUSSEUM. His palms, which were previously close to freezing, are now dripping sweat. He dashes out of the elevator, making his way through a series of rooms full of Dortmund memorabilia and history. But the trophy case is the only place he needs to go. He had been told what the trophy looked like, but finding it was another task. The trophy case is a cylindrical ring of silverware, with dozens of glass panels each containing a separate title. It certainly didn't help his effort that Dortmund were a big club. After using up two precious minutes to search, he finds the trophy. It's beautiful. A hallowed shield of silver, featuring green jewels and engraved with the names of every club who had ever reached the pinnacle of German football. There was no mistaking the Meisterschale- the Bundesliga trophy. This holy prize was something every boy in Germany dreamed of lifting one day, and now this boy was standing right in front of it. Although in reality, it was just a replica of the original- which was kept in safekeeping by the DFL in Frankfurt- the trophy was still highly important and symbolic to the Dortmund faithful. This was the most recent Bundesliga trophy the club had won in 2012, one of the proudest achievements of the long-dead Klopp era. During that season, Dortmund had beaten Schalke twice in the league, with the second victory at the Signal Iduna all but securing the title. Awestruck, but determined to complete the mission, the boy produces a small yet powerful device- a laser. It had taken days for him to learn to properly use the tool, but he had grown confident enough with it that he showed no hesitation in pointing it at the glass, careful not to damage the trophy. The laser burns a smoking hole in the glass, instantly melting all traces of the trophy's protection. The boy slowly moves his hands towards the shield, and when he touches it he feels a flicker of passionate emotion he had felt few times before. Alarms begin to go off, but they are drowned out by the incessant rumble of the screens on the pitch. He firmly grasps the trophy, and carries it out of the glass and into his chest. It's heavy for a boy of his weight, but he powers on towards the elevator.

Again, he contemplates his emotions in the lift. He feels guilt over the entire situation. He knew stealing was a crime. He hated to have to shock Schulz in the security room, especially after he had been so kind. But, as he continues to cycle through his brain, he was doing this to save himself. As much as he desperately wanted to go to the police- who at this point were surely contacted by the guards and local residents due to the noise- for help, he knew he would never be free of the men who had put him up to this crime if he tried to escape. The elevator comes to a halt at the ground floor. However, as soon as he steps out, he catches sight of one of the guards flashing a light in the dim hallway. For a second he panics, but then manages to duck behind a wall. He waits for the man to pass, but he continues to move in the boy's direction. As the man, one of the burliest guards, approaches, the boy stomps on his foot, startling the man enough to drop his light. With surprise on his side, the boy administers the stun gun again. The massive man goes down in a heap instantly. The boy breathes a sigh of relief, but just as he begins to run again, the noise outside stops. One of the guards has managed to shut off the power to the screens and cut the distraction. Now, with alarms ringing all across the stadium, the boy has to dash as fast as he possibly can with the trophy- which is beginning to feel like a sack of bricks- weighing down on him. He passes the restaurants, gift shops, and lounge rooms before he finally reaches the concrete stairway he took to get in. In here, it is dark and cold, with only the warm glow of the red alarm lights preventing from slipping. He is just meters away from escape when he hears a loud voice behind him yell:
"Stop right there!"
As much as the boy was told not to stop running once he had the trophy, he can't help turning to face the guard. It was the first one who had spoken to him. For the first time, he actually looks at the man's face, rather than the bald cap he sports. He has kind eyes, but an unflinching serious expression beneath them. The man looks deeply shaken from the events of the past twenty minutes, as he is trembling in disbelief, wonder, and anger all at once. Even in all the confusion of the situation, the guards had managed to realize a heist was underway and discovered the missing trophy and a slumped Schulz. He is holding a taser, a wicked weapon typically used only on the most unruly of hooligans.
"Son, I don't know why you're doing this, but I need you to drop the trophy now, or I will have to use this."
The boy is frozen in time and space. Rooted to the spot. Never before had he been in such danger. He felt utterly stupid for not moving, but for the moment he was completely locked in a trance.
"Drop the trophy!"
He can't. Yet as he hears the taser dispatch, every muscle and fiber in his arm suddenly move to lift the trophy upward, just as Sebastian Kehl had done almost six years ago. He closes his eyes, expecting to feel immense pain, but instead hears the crash of the man standing up the stairs from him falling. His unconscious body slides all the way down the stairs, past the shocked young burglar and into the snowy darkness. Unable to comprehend what has happened, the boy slowly moves the trophy back down towards him, and as he turns it around, he notices two small marks on the opposite edges of the trophy, directly on top of two of the jewels. The taser prongs had ricocheted off the metal, in effect pressing "return to sender" and shocking the guard with his own weapon in a matter of instants. Now, the boy doesn't hesitate. Although his energy is nearly drained, he rushes into the darkness, back over the fence, back across the Rote Erde, back through the hole in the stands, and back to the jet-black car which has re-emerged just in time for his getaway. The door opens. He's just experienced the most dangerous, intense 27 minutes and 33 seconds of his life, with his only desire to get out of it, yet one final time he stops and takes in his surroundings. Snow is lashing mercilessly across the boy's youthful face, his brown eyebrows turned white, as if they belonged to someone born in the 1920s. He can hear sirens in the distance, clearly headed for the stadium. Lights have come on all around the surrounding neighborhood, with hundreds of concerned citizens awakened by the deafening noises arising from the stadium that night. However, none of them pay attention to the boy racing towards the vehicle down the street. Many of them thought the sounds of alarms and loud voices were similar to those heard at a prison break. In the minds of a select few, that was what had occurred; a powerful symbol of footballing glory had been rescued from the clutches of a despised institution. All of those select few people waited in the car for the boy. After allowing himself to breathe, he enters the car and closes the door. He puts the trophy down on the floor, then looks at the man sitting next to him. He wears blue, and smells faintly of coal.
"You've done well, boy, and you've done us mighty proud. As soon as we get home, I'll let you go back to your father and your sisters and brothers. How's that sound, Julian?"
Julian doesn't respond. His head is in his hands, quietly weeping. But the man simply laughs and smiles.
"Ahh, that's perfect! Gun it, mate."
The driver slams his foot on the ignition and the car races off into the night, leaving all the damage it has overseen to the snow.

Edited December 28, 2017 by oriole01

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Vier
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Twenty-One- The Pre-Game
The Press Conference- Signal Iduna Park

The fallout from the robbery was unprecedented. Borussia Dortmund had lost one of its most beloved trophies in the 2012 Bundesliga crown just days ahead of the club's most meaningful, passionate fixture of the year against arch-rivals Schalke 04. Naturally, the blame was lodged upon the Smurfs. There had been rumors of violent retaliation plots from the Ultras against Schalke's supporters and facilities, which were swiftly condemned by the media department. One of Europe's most bitter rivalries had only grown more sour as a result. The overall mood in Dortmund had reached a seething anger by Sunday, with supporters ready to show up in the hundreds of thousands both inside and outside of the stadium to show solidarity with the club and the theft of its history at the hands of who could only be as imagined as the most hostile intruders from Gelsenkirchen.

Officially, the case of the robbery was unsolved and had absolutely no leads. Each of the security guards were interviewed by police, yet none of them could identify or even give more than broad clues as to the identity of the boy who had fooled them into letting their guard down. His hat, coat, boots, and gloves gave more than enough cover for any identifying marks. Although the getaway car was found on tape, there was no license plate or other identification that could be scanned on the vehicle.  Even more curious was the hacking of the stadium's audio/visual system, which showed no actual evidence of an intrusion in activity logs. Numerous lights, seats, and screens had to be quickly replaced before the match, as they had been destroyed or damaged by the explosion of sound on Friday night.

Of course, the staff at Dortmund did not want to be drawn into any controversy. All officials, including chairman Hans-Joachim Watzke and manager Hans Kaiser, refused to comment on who they thought was behind the robbery, simply stating that the police would find them and bring them to justice in due time. In fact, at the press conference, Kaiser had even gone so far as to personally scorn those who were blaming Schalke with no evidence to support their claims. After the following conversation took place, the vast majority of the world football community came out in support of Kaiser and the club, noting the manager's strong, meaningful words and an unbreakable spirit of resilience among the squad in the wake of the crime.

REPORTER: "Hans, we all know this match comes at a very difficult time for the club after the theft of the 2012 Bundesliga title. What do you have to say to the perpetrators of this crime? And do you have any idea who is behind it?"

KAISER: "Well, I think my message for the perpetrator is obvious. Turn yourself in. You have already done enough damage to this club and this community through your careless and wrongful actions. For the sake of football fans everywhere, face up to your crime immediately. You have not only taken a trophy, you have taken a piece of our hearts with it. We earned that trophy through hard work and dedication over the course of many months, and we deserved every molecule of that prize for our effort. But for someone... anyone... to take that away from us is a great disservice and disrespect to everyone at this club, everyone who works here every day, our players, our coaching, scouting, medical staff. All the employees at corporate and in the stadium who keep this place running 24/7 and their families... especially our security, who suffered multiple injuries as a result of this robbery. And also it it a disservice to our supporters from Dortmund, the Ruhr, and across this great nation and around this beautiful world. You have trampled over their hearts, their memories, and their dreams. So please, make this easier on yourself and confess. Justice will be served either way."

"As for the identity of the perpetrator or perpetrators, I'm not going to comment on that. I'm sure law enforcement will find out who is responsible and bring them to justice. Either that, or they will take my advice and turn themselves in."

REPORTER: "So you don't think this person or persons have any connections to Schalke 04? Doesn't it seem to far-fetched to suggest this sort of event could be coincidental just two days away from the derby?"

KAISER: "I don't know, and I won't comment on any rumors of Schalke's involvement. Anyone who is accusing them of this crime without any evidence is doing a disservice to their club and their supporters as well."

REPORTER: "So what do you have to say to the supporters who have threatened violence against Schalke this Sunday?"

KAISER: "Frankly, that sort of behavior is disgusting, and has no place in the Dortmund community. We love our supporters, and especially our Ultras, but there is no tolerance for violence at our club. Please, let the authorities do their job and stop blaming people who we have no knowledge of involvement in this crime for it."

REPORTER: "But Hans, if you say there is no tolerance for violence at the club, then why have there been credible rumors of fights and dangerous pranks between you and both Carlo Ancelotti and Markus Weinzierl over the past year and a half?

KAISER: "No comment. I think that'll be all. Thank you."

These utter snakes in the media...

The Tunnel
Hans Kaiser has just given his typical Red Bull-fueled pre-game pep talk ahead of the derby. Beat the Smurfs. Attack relentlessly. Prove a point. The usual talking points. No explicit mention of the robbery. However, as Markus Weinzierl would discover, Hans Kaiser in public and Hans Kaiser and private were two very different people. At least it started off cordial. 

WEINZIERL: "Good afternoon, Hans. I'm very sorry about what happened on Friday. No club deserves what you guys are going through right now."
KAISER: "Thanks, Markus. I appreciate your sentiment. I'm sorry things got so uglybetween us in the past. It shouldn't have got so personal."
********. Deep down, everyone knew that Schalke were behind the robbery. Hans was no fool. He put on his charm for the media and they gobbled it up, but there was no charm here now. Just pure hatred. It was true that he regretted the volatility and childish hostility that arose from his previous exchanges with Markus. He had gone too far. But just as Weinzierl was building up Hans' trust again, he had irrevocably shattered it. It was time to end Schalke once and for all on the pitch today, to prove that they were useless, vile cheats worthy of the deepest pits of football hell.
"Thanks to you too, Hans. I agree."
The two managers walk towards the pitch together, discussing the trials and tribulations of the current season and reminiscing about years past. However, just as they reach the end of the tunnel, Hans leans into Markus' ear, whispering,
"Markus, if you think for one instant that you will get away with this, you've got another thing coming. The police may not be able to bust your crooked ass, but I can. I've got connections, Markus. I've got connections with people you'd never want to face in a dark alley. Connections with people that would ruin your life in seconds. Don't test me, I'm the one in control, no matter what you may think. You will regret crossing Hans Kaiser for the rest of your life. Now if you say as much as one foul word towards me, it'll be over for you. You've lost my trust, forever. You've pretty much lost any sympathy I've ever had for you as a human being. So take one good look at these fans *points toward the 75,000 bald, white-hot angry, chanting Dortmund supporters in the crowd*. They will spell your death. Baldness Über Alles."
Markus slowly turns his head towards his now-eternal foe, then cocks his head back and laughs playfully.
"Oh, Hans. I have no idea what the **** you're talking about. Jesus, you're insane, man! How isn't that obvious by now?"
Weinzierl flicks Kaiser on the nose in a profoundly annoying gesture, and gleefully marches off towards his technical area. After a few truly indescribable moments, Kaiser does the same, yet every pore on his body is still seeping unbelievable rage.
This wasn't about football anymore.

[oriole01]

The Ruhr Derby- Chapter Vier
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Twenty-One- The Post-Game

I can't be disappointed with that draw, considering we went down to 10 men. Aubameyang fired in the first goal on 8, weaving through the Schalke defense like an alpine skier and eliciting a roar heard all around the city from the Kahle Armee or "Bald Army" as they were now officially known. However, the complexion of the match would change when Mario Fernandes was sent off close to half time. We had to abandon our new formation and play an improvised, asymmetrical setup for the rest of the match, but it wouldn't stop Schalke from breaking through. After wasting a golden chance earlier in the second half, the Smurfs would atone for it by launching a quick break that culminated with Yevhen Konoplyanka knocking in an easy header from close range. We were able to get off a few more attacks despite all the pressure we were soaking up from them, and we could even be considered unlucky not to go back ahead. We made a valiant effort to keep the point, but the reality is we didn't improve our footing in the title race at all.

Hans Kaiser couldn't believe his poor luck. All of the hostile energy caroming around the Signal Iduna, all the unbreakable hatred and contempt flowing like wild electricity through copper wire, and they still couldn't win. The red card had changed everything, and Mario Fernandes received an earful and an official warning after the match for his poor discipline in one of Dortmund's most pivotal fixtures. In Kaiser's mind, he was turning out to be a poor signing. The guy still couldn't even say "Baldness Über Alles" right, for Christ's sake. Lukas Piszczek would come back into the team for now, in the hopes that Mario would learn from his mistakes outside of the starting lineup. At the same time, he prayed for Felix Passlack to come good once he returned from his loan at Stuttgart. Now that was a boy who could light anyone's hair on fire...

In any case, the "all-out war" with the Smurfs was far from over. There would be hell to pay for their crime soon enough.
Los! Los! Los!

Edited December 29, 2017 by oriole01

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Not bad at all given you were down to ten men. What's the league table looking like?

[oriole01]

Borussia Dortmund
February 2018

For the most part, we mastered in mediocrity this month, but we are through in the Europa League.

It didn't start off well at all. Away from home against Hoffenheim, we slumped to a 3-1 defeat after taking the lead through a brilliant Auba strike in just the second minute. In the second half, it was all roses for the Hoff. Just 14 seconds after the whistle, Andrej Kramaric stormed into our goal to equalize. On 55, Mark Uth would give them the lead, and then double the advantage on 80 with a laser into our bottom-right corner. Uth, or "The TrUth" as he is known in Hoffenheim, is almost unstoppable against us for whatever reason. Disappointing loss.

See above for the Schalke result.

The first leg against Plzen gave us a scare. In a match that we looked in control of, David Limbersky suddenly popped up with a goal on 40 minutes for the Czechs. Things went from bad to worse just two minutes later when Bjorn Engels conceded a penalty that Andreas Ivanschitz dispatched calmly. Down 2-0 at half time, we knew we had to push hard to rescue the tie, and that's exactly what we did in the second half. Ousmane Dembele would score an acrobatic, "crane kick"-like volley on 70 to bring us within one goal, then Auba would level things at the death with an easy side-footer to escape the Czech Republic with the away-goals advantage.

Sandwiched in between the two EL legs was a comfortable victory over struggling Hertha. It took a long time to break them down, but once we got started, we didn't stop. Christian Pulisic tapped in off a trademark Dortmund breakaway on 69 to get the first, Sebastian Rode nailed in a finish from a tight angle on 77 for the second, and Richarlison capped it off on 89 with a similar strike. A match in which we were thoroughly in control and got the deserved win.

The home leg against Plzen saw us advance to the Round of 16 with little resistance. Richarlison was the star man on the day, bagging a hat trick for the match ball. His first goal on 35 came from a brilliant assist by Miguel Almiron, his second just before the half was a simple finish, and his last just after the half was another easy goal from Dembele's cutback. Patrik Hrosovsky did pull a chipped goal back late on for Plzen, but our passage was already well secured through the feet of our Brazilian wonderkid.

We finished the month with a disappointing collapse against Hamburg.  The game sure looked over early on. Gonzalo Castro whacked in a brilliant header off a corner with just six minutes on the clock, then six minutes later Pulisic got a second off a deflected shot that fooled the keeper. However, Hamburg would claw back in the second half, first with Bobby Wood's close range hit on 55, then with an ultimate low blow from longtime Dortmund servant Neven Subotic, who scored a belter of a free kick to condemn us to just a point. Sorry I let you go, man...

Table

That last draw to Hamburg hurt, as we could have been a lot closer to the top and freer from Stuttgart and Leverkusen right below us. Our mind-numbing inconsistency can't stop, and I don't know when we'll be able to be considered a serious side. Schalke have been impressive, winning more games than anyone else. If they win the title, Hans is surely going to have an aneurysm. Elsewhere, Hoffenheim have recovered great form, Heidenheim look just about safe in 11th, and Hannover sink into the playoff spot, having won just one league game out of their last 17.

Europa League Draw

****. That is indeed one of the worst draws we could have had. Although Chelsea have been seriously poor in the Premier League this season (currently in 8th!) for a team of their stature, their recent form has been very good, and they have players with the potential to set a pitch on fire at any time. Kante, Hazard, Alonso, Fabregas, Costa, Azpi, and Mandzukic are no joke. We'll be hard pressed to get though two legs with them, and it's very possible that we'll go out earlier than expected here.

The following image was circulated around Dortmund fan groups across the internet, depicting Ousmane Dembele's now-famed "crane-kick" in classic Karate Kid form. In case you were still wondering, the "OusCrane Dembele" tifo is already in production to be unveiled against Bayern in the away end.
(Cheers @BoxToBox)

Los! Los! Los!