Luton Town : Staring into the Abyss

ScottleeSV · October 12, 2011

“I’m not going to say much this half time for obvious reasons. Suffice to say however I’ll be saying a whole lot more later on if we don’t win this football match. I can’t see any glaring weaknesses out there at the moment so well done. Now take on some water, do some stretches, and relax for ten minutes”.

There was a curious strategy from Hereford early in the second period. For about five minutes they seemed to push four up front and bombard our backline with relentless high balls. It was if they’d been told the second half was only going to last five minutes instead of forty five.

What they were actually doing of course was gambling that we wouldn’t mentally be in a position to counter-attack effectively straight after half time. They were right. The Luton boys had very much gone out with the motto of calm and controlled, with nobody particularly looking to bust a gut straight from the off.

But the much needed early goal didn’t arrive for The Bulls, and around about the 50^th minute they went back to playing 4.4.2. Or near enough.

I decided at this juncture to make some earlier-than-usual substitutions. We had another away game coming up on Tuesday night, and the 3-0 lead gave me a chance to give at least two star names extra rest. Thus, off came James for Moore and Bowditch for Buckley.

In the 57^th minute we almost got our fourth. This time the play went down the left for a change. Poole’s cross was low and too close to the Samson but the keeper inexplicably misjudged it and spilled the ball onto his near post. From there it deflected behind.

Then another strong spell from Hereford, themselves having also made two subs. Just past the hour mark, Diagouraga fluffed a pass only to see it hit the ref’s knee and fall kindly for Chadwick. Twenty yards out, the striker took two more touches before hitting a rasping drive that Stubhaug had to watch carefully before tipping it around the post.

Still they came at us. 64 minutes – Frampton. His beautiful diagonal ball earned much applause from the home faithful before it had even landed on May’s chest. When the striker finally took it down on the corner edge of the area, Chadwick made a dummy run and Daniels was distracted out the corner of his eye. May ignored his strike partner though and dribbled the other way. Totally wrong-footed, Daniels tripped him over. Penalty.

To take it would be Diagouraga. There was a brief delay as he and the ref disputed how much of the ball had to be on the spot and how much of it didn’t. Stubhaug bounced around on his line doing star jumps as he waited. Finally, we were ready.

Goal - high and to the left of the despairing Stubhaug. Hereford back in it with 24 minutes to go.

Nervously I paced left and right on the touchline and wondered whether to use my third substitution. I decided I would. It was a bit risky with so long left but I wanted to stem the increasingly hostile tide. Kearns in place of Gill might be just what the doctor ordered.

It worked.

Well, it probably wasn’t JUST because of that (if at all), but Hereford certainly didn’t follow up Diagouraga’s goal as they would have wanted. It took them until fifteen minutes to go to get another shot away and when they did it was a mid to long ranger gobbled up easily by Stubhaug. Then some more time was wasted as the home side messed around with another substitution.

We were long overdue a second wind and got it with a chance for Buckley. It came after such a long period of ball retention I’d actually stopped believing we’d had designs on creating an actual opening. Niven it was who eventually pierced the backline, Buckley the grateful recipient. The only problem was his first touch, which meant he practically had to shoot with the ball running diagonally away from the goals. When he did he screwed it wide.

But with Hereford visibly running out of gas, another opportunity wasn’t long in coming. It was the 83^rd minute by this point and I was just started to feel something like comfortable again. I felt doubly comfortable when Niven slotted low under Samson after a lay back from Poole. They might as well have updated our points column the moment the ball hit the net. There was no route back for The Bulls after that hammer blow.

The final few minutes was made up of hustle, bustle, and people filing their way out of the stadium. The Luton fans meanwhile chanted and did some kind of conga thing. I think I heard the word Martin in there somewhere. Don't know what that's about. Must be a new thing.

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FULL TIME (att - 2338)

Hereford United 1 (Diagouraga 66 pen)

Luton Town 4 (Taylor 9, Poole 13, Spencer 45+2 pen, Niven 83)

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(other results)

Accrington Stanley 1-1 Grimsby

Bournemouth 0-0 Torquay

Brentford 3-4 Shrewsbury

Chester 1-2 Grays

Darlington 1-1 Rochdale

Lincoln 1-0 Aldershot

Notts County 1-0 Barnet

Oldham 0-0 Cheltenham

Walsall 2-2 Chesterfield

Wycombe 1-2 Rotherham

Yeovil 1-2 Exeter

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| Pos   | Inf   | Team          |       | Pld   | Won   | Drn   | Lst   | For   | Ag    | G.D.  | Pts   | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 1st   |       | Notts County  |       | 4     | 4     | 0     | 0     | 7     | 1     | +6    | 12    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 2nd   |       | Exeter        |       | 4     | 4     | 0     | 0     | 6     | 1     | +5    | 12    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 3rd   |       | Grays         |       | 4     | 3     | 0     | 1     | 7     | 5     | +2    | 9     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 4th   |       | Lincoln       |       | 4     | 3     | 0     | 1     | 4     | 2     | +2    | 9     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 5th   |       | Grimsby       |       | 4     | 2     | 2     | 0     | 7     | 3     | +5    | 8     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 6th   |       | Torquay       |       | 4     | 2     | 2     | 0     | 5     | 2     | +3    | 8     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 7th   |       | Shrewsbury    |       | 4     | 2     | 1     | 1     | 9     | 6     | +3    | 7     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| [b]8th   |       | Luton         |       | 4     | 2     | 1     | 1     | 8     | 5     | +3    | 7     | [/b]
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 9th   |       | Walsall       |       | 4     | 2     | 1     | 1     | 7     | 4     | +3    | 7     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 10th  |       | Cheltenham    |       | 4     | 2     | 1     | 1     | 4     | 2     | +2    | 7     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 11th  |       | Aldershot     |       | 4     | 2     | 1     | 1     | 7     | 6     | +1    | 7     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 12th  |       | Rotherham     |       | 4     | 2     | 1     | 1     | 3     | 4     | -1    | 7     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 13th  |       | Chesterfield  |       | 4     | 1     | 3     | 0     | 7     | 6     | +1    | 6     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 14th  |       | Rochdale      |       | 4     | 1     | 2     | 1     | 5     | 5     | E     | 4     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 15th  |       | Hereford      |       | 4     | 1     | 1     | 2     | 5     | 9     | -4    | 4     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 16th  |       | Darlington    |       | 4     | 0     | 3     | 1     | 5     | 6     | -1    | 3     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 17th  |       | Wycombe       |       | 4     | 1     | 0     | 3     | 4     | 6     | -2    | 3     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 18th  |       | Bournemouth   |       | 4     | 0     | 2     | 2     | 3     | 5     | -2    | 2     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 19th  |       | Oldham        |       | 4     | 0     | 2     | 2     | 2     | 4     | -2    | 2     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 20th  |       | Yeovil        |       | 4     | 0     | 2     | 2     | 1     | 4     | -3    | 2     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 21st  |       | Accrington    |       | 4     | 0     | 1     | 3     | 4     | 8     | -4    | 1     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 22nd  |       | Barnet        |       | 4     | 0     | 1     | 3     | 2     | 6     | -3    | 1     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 23rd  |       | Chester       |       | 4     | 0     | 1     | 3     | 1     | 6     | -5    | 1     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 24th  |       | Brentford     |       | 4     | 0     | 0     | 4    |  4     | 11    | -7    | 0     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

mcglede · October 12, 2011

Subtle! Good win and well played.

ScottleeSV · October 13, 2011

Thanks mate.

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05/09/10 - Lightning they be frightening

“Hmm not bad” I said, downing the last drop. “What did you say it was called?”

“Skull and groans” my assistant informed me. “I think it’s meant to be more of Halloween themed ale, to be honest. Obviously they’ve brought it out a early.

“Well it’s my round now anyway. What you having?”

“Err I’ll have another Skull and Groans, now that you ask”.

“Good call. I’ll be right back”.

“Oh, before you go, check this out”.

Brian whipped out a copy of the Non-league paper. Then he quickly skimmed through it looking for whichever piece he wanted me to read.

“Here it is”.

“Here’s what?”

“This”.

Luton Lightning 5 Uxbridge 1 (att – 1242)

Goals from Michael Bridges (2), Richard Owusu, Kent Piper, and James Smith ensured a comfortable afternoon for Luton at the Lightning Bowl. The Bedfordshire side, making their debut in Ryman Division One North this season, have now won three leagues out of three as they bid for instant promotion to the premier league. They’ve also racked up an impressive thirteen goals into the bargain.

“So far so good” commented assistant boss Doug Henshaw after the game. “The goal we gave away today was a bit sloppy but, as we’ve already told the players, it’s not all going to be plain sailing this season. Sides are going to come here and they’re going to see us as their cup final. And that was definitely the case today. Credit to Uxbridge; they came with a gameplan and it worked. Sort of. There’s no shame in only conceding five against us they way we’re playing right now”.

Unimpressed, I tossed the paper back into Brian’s arms and headed to the bar. It didn’t take long to grab Gav’s attention. There weren’t many in tonight. It was Sunday and there wasn’t a quiz on.

“Two more pints of Skull and Groans please, Gav”.

“Coming right up”.

As he then began to pull the pints, I glanced down at the nearest snacks menu and absent-mindedly opened it up.

“Hey, there’s a big rip in this” I said, putting it down again.

“Oh. Yeah. I’ve been thinking of throwing that one away. Get this; some bastard comes in yesterday tea time, orders a drink, and then starts looking at that menu. Then he orders a chip butty. I tells him fine but it might be a slightly longer wait than usual because my evening shift cook hasn’t turned up yet. But HE doesn’t like that. So, he rips half the menu in half and tells me to forget it. Then he storms out without even paying for his drink!”

“Some people just have no patience, do they?” I asked by way of reply.

“Yeah well judging by the size of this guy, I don’t think it would be the worst idea if he laid off the chip butties for a while anyway”.

'Christ. Him again!'

I smiled and handed over the money for the pints. Gav took it, shook his head, and went to get my change.

By the time I sat down again, I saw Brian had a sly smile on his face that made me think he’d either come up with a joke or had developed a good idea (or at least something he deemed a good idea). Turned out it was the latter.

“Listen, I’ve got an idea”.

“Oh yeah?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking, how about we offer Lightning a friendly next summer? No, hear me out! Look, one day this lot might climb up the leagues and be a genuine threat to us. Maybe we should try and get one over them early, put them in their place whilst they’re still in ther infancy”.

“What’s the point in doing that?”

“The fans would love it for one! Our fans I mean. Have you spoken to any of them about what they think of Lightning? They hate them! Absolutely deplore them. If you took them on in a friendly and beat them, you’d be a legend!”

“I’m already a legend. I won the conference”.

“Oh come on. Be serious. This would make you even more of a legend. And think about where we might be next summer! If we have a fairly uneventful mid-table finish this season, a sell-out game against Lightning would really get the town up for next year's season proper. It might do wonders for season ticket sales!”

It wasn’t a bad idea, truth be told. It’s amazing what you can dream up when your life is as devoid of stress as Brian’s is. As much as I admired his enthusiasm however, there was still a massive flaw in the plan he didn’t seem to have considered

“And what if we lose?” I put forward. “And it’s not completely out of the question that we could lose. Imagine the embarrassment! Imagine what the papers would say. I’d never live it down”.

“We could cut the risk by playing them at Kenilworth. If would only be right we’d get to pick the venue if we were the ones who made the proposal in the first place".

“I don’t know, Brian. I’ll think about it. Next pre-season is still a way away. And let’s be honest, if Glynn thinks of this himself at some point in the meantime, we’ll be doing it anyway whether I like it or not”.

“True”.

A natural pause in the conversation having been reached, the two of us reached for our pints and took a good long sip.

The Skull and Groans continued to impress. No groans here.

shaggy61 · October 14, 2011

just got to post 815, dont you dare leave james martin, your the best thing ever to happen to ltfc!!.......... oh its not real.......sorry forgot back to reading the story

ScottleeSV · October 14, 2011

Heh!

---------------

07/09/10 - Club Barceloner

I checked my watch. It was twenty to three in the morning.

Sighing in frustration, I walked up and down the corridor again. It was late. I was tired. I was also waiting. Patiently.

I checked my watch again. 2.41am. One minute had passed then since the last time I’d checked.

Now I went into the living room and peered through the curtains. No movement outside. Nothing. It was completely dead out there. There wasn’t even a cat or a stray piece of litter floating about. There was literally nothing. No movement. No stirring. Nowt. Zip.

Sighing again I went to the living room table and checked my phone. No messages. No missed calls. Nothing.

“Christ almighty!” I said to Bambi. "What's going on?"

--------

Approximately seven hours earlier I’d walked into the near empty Clube Barcelona, a nightclub that was also a bar, in the centre of town. It was dead because it was early. Not as many people tended to use it as a bar as they did a nightclub.

I’d never actually been before tonight and the moment I walked in I didn’t like it. I swear hands down every single room was either grey or silver. There was a really metallic, space travel kind of feel to the place, almost as if the guy who designed the interior was hoping to make it feel futuristic. Unfortunately he’d only succeeded in making it feel unwelcome. Maybe I’m just too old for such places?

The one room I could find that actually looked homely enough to sit in had large pictures all over the walls. They were blown up portraits of Barcelona players in the heat of the action. Messi. Xavi. Ronaldinho. They were all here. There were even some older players that I recognised. Stoichkov, for instance.

It’s pretty depressing if you ask me that someone would open a Barcelona FC themed nightclub in Bedfordshire, England. Why not a Clube Luton? Why can't there be pictures around the walls of Pleat in his cream suit, and of me holding up The Live Bunny? Barcelona isn’t even an English team. Who the hell around here has ever been to a Barcelona match?

If you’re wondering what I was doing in a nightclub on a Monday evening, it’s because I was meeting Chantelle. Chantelle swears by Clube Barcelona. She says it’s the best club in town. Hmmm.

Don’t think the reason I was meeting her, by the way, is because she’d finally dumped Marcus. No. She did apparently have some good news that she wanted to share with me, news she insisted on giving in person. But it wasn’t THE good news. Not yet. Not tonight.

“Trust you to sit in the cheese room” she opened with, once she’d turned up.

For a few moments I didn’t answer. I was too memorised by what she was wearing. She had a glittering silver dress on with matching high heels and an almost matching handbag. It wasn’t a too dissimilar shade of silver to the one splattered all over the walls of Clube Barcelona actually. If Chantelle had stood against the wall and held her breath, I might not have noticed her.

“I assume by cheese you mean cheesy music?”

“Yeah”.

“Well which room do you usually go in?”

“The R & B one”.

“Well I didn’t see any signs for that when I came in”.

“Well obviously there wouldn’t be!”

I grinned, in doing so revealing that I’d been joking. Chantelle grinned back and that’s when we pulled together for a much needed mouth on mouth session. I don’t know how long we stayed in that position but it was for at least one chorus of Night Fever.

“Do you want a drink?”

“No, it’s alright. I’m not staying. I’m meeting Marcus and some other people pretty soon. Not here though. Somewhere else”.

‘Ouch! And back to reality we arrive with a great big bump!’

“So what’s this good news of yours?”

“Well, he finally got back from his mum’s today. He’s a lot better too. He’s a lot more like his old self. This week is definitely going to be the week I end it. I just need to find the right moment now”.

“Well get a move on, will you? These last couple of weeks have been really annoying. And to be brutally honest, I wish you’d told me this over text. Letting me see you dressed like that is just teasing”.

“Ah, but that brings me onto my second piece of good news”.

“Which is?”

Licking her lips, Chantelle paused for maximum effect. She also slid closer to me on the seat just a little bit more. The Bees Gees meanwhile had been replaced by Sophie Ellis Bexter.

“How would you like it if I popped over later tonight, say about two in the morning, IF you think you can still be awake by then?”

“Marcus isn’t staying over at yours then?”

“Yeah he is but he always conks out the minute he gets home from a night out. It’s one of his traits. So, once we get back tonight, which won’t be later than two because of the babysitter, what do you say I tell Marcus there’s a friend of mine who’s had a fight with a boyfriend and I need to nip back out and see her for an hour?”

I pondered that for a moment before replying.

“I thought you said he was a decent bloke and you didn’t want to mess him about?”

“I know but I didn’t think it would take this long to dump him, did I? Besides, he won’t suspect a thing. Trust me. And this time next week he’ll be gone anyway”.

It didn’t take much to twist my arm from this point onwards (one quick glance down the front of her dress did the trick).

Chantelle then gave me one last kiss on the lips and said goodbye. Then she picked up her handbag and made to leave.

“Don’t take long finishing that pint. We’re probably coming in here later”.

“I won’t”.

And off she went. Watching the shape of her bum as it moved with the dress was absolutely spellbinding. Her long blonde hair looked great tonight too. I was feeling shivery all of a sudden. Roll on two in the morning! Hell yeah!

‘I need some Red Bull. Coffee and Red Bull. And lots of both. Yeehaw!’

--------

But by 2pm she hadn’t turned up. Or even texted me.

Nor by 2.10pm

Or 2.20pm

Or 2.40pm.

I felt like I was going crazy.

For about the hundredth time I walked to the kitchen and back humming an old song I knew. Then I strolled back the way I’d come, glancing through every single window I passed just in case I happened to see a taxi pulling up. Ever loyal, Bambi followed me from room to room. She didn’t have a clue what was going on bless her.

And then – and then I heard a vibration coming from my phone! It was her! She must have been waiting by the door!

Like a frenzied madman I ran to pick the phone up and check the message.

Soz babe I can’t come. He didn’t drink like he usually does 2nite. I think its cos he was missin me. Anyway, he’s still very VERY awake, so no chance of comin. Soz again. Only few days to go tho! Not long now xxx

I had half a Cornish pasty back in the kitchen I’d picked up from the all night garage about two hours ago. I went back there now and smashed my fist down into what was left of it.

“BAMBI!" I shouted. "WHAT THE F__K IS SHE TRYING TO DO TO ME?!”

Bambi said nothing in return.

But she did wag her tail.

salkster2102 · October 15, 2011

Forget her and go for Nikki!

CecMcCormack · October 15, 2011

Agree with Salkster.... Get rid of Chantelle and go for Nikki!!

ScottleeSV · October 15, 2011

I swear to God this next bit with Kindra was scripted a long time before I read those two comments :lol:

--------

08/09/10 - Time to re-acquaint with the Johnstone's Paint

This morning I coped with my sexual frustration by bringing Keane and Dodds into my office for disciplinary action. I wanted to punish them both for their red cards against Notts County. I fined Keane two weeks wages and Dodds one week.

The fine for Keith wasn’t because of the sending off alone; it was for a whole bunch of immature acts on and off the pitch that go back months. A good sharp shock for the lad was long overdue. As for Dodds, the fine was a combination of both the red card and his goalless performances since pre-season.

Once I’d completed the relevant paperwork and e-mailed it to Nicky and Erica, I went downstairs intent on returning to my desk in the communal office. However, before I got there noticed that Keith was still in the building. He was talking to Kindra in the corridor.

I could tell what was going on here without even hearing the conversation. It was in the way Keith was leaning against the doorframe portraying the cheeky chappie persona. It was in the way Kindra was clutching a file of papers to her chest, smiling, and looking nervously down towards the floor. He was trying to chat her up! And she was listening to it!

The last thing I need in my professional life right now is Keith Keane worming his way into the bed of another of my staff members.

Without wasting a moment I strolled purposely towards them and cleared my throat. Keane winced when he saw me coming and said a hasty goodbye. Then he scuttled off in the opposite direction.

“Making new friends, Kindra?”

“Yeah. He was just introducing himself. He’s says he’s one of the players. He seems nice enough”.

“Oh he's a player alright”.

I then noticed her cheery expression fade slightly, as if maybe she had something slightly more risqué to bring up with me.

“He also – “

“Yes?”

“He also asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink with him sometime. I said – well – I said I’d think about it. The thing is – I’ve never really – I mean – I’ve never – “.

“Gone out on dates with work colleagues?”

“Well – yeah”.

‘I just saved her there. She was about to say she’s never dated full stop. I’ve hired a virgin here’.

Not that I was surprised. Growing up with Mr Singh, I doubt there would have been much opportunity to bring boys round.

“Well, I’d definitely be careful if I were you. In my experience it’s never good to date people from where you work. What if you did and then split up? Imagine how awkward it would be afterwards! I know I'd certainly never do it".

“Yeah I suppose. In fact yeah, you’re probably right”.

“I know I’m right”.

--------

On to tonight’s match, and this Johnstone’s Paint tie has really highlighted a strange anomaly in terms of our cup draws. We seem to be constantly getting paired teams we’ve already played in cups before. I don’t mean across the breadth of Luton’s entire history; I mean just since I became manager.

For instance, two seasons ago we drew Northampton Town in the last 32 of the Johnstone’s Paint. Then a short time later we drew them again in the first round of the FA Cup.

Also two seasons ago, we played Watford away in the first round of the league cup. This season we played Watford again in the first round of the league cup.

Two seasons ago we played Brentford in the last 16 of the Johnstone’s Paint, losing on penalties. Tonight we once again play the same side in the same competition, this time in the last 64.

We also played Grays and Rushden in BOTH the FA Trophy and The Live Bunny Cup last season. Spooky, eh?

Partly because this was a midweek match and partly because we’ll be going to Brentford again later in the season, I once again opted not to do the tourism thing.

I went for a full strength side. I quite fancy a run in this competition. Nicholls came back in, finally. This was a great chance for him to get some fitness back ahead of Saturday’s home game with Chester. He would partner Gill in centre midfield. The only other change I made was to give Daniels a game on the left wing (for the first time in that position this season). Daniels and Poole are two players I view as being interchangeable rather than one being way ahead of the other.

We’ve played Brentford three times previously under my stewardship. I’ve already mentioned one of those; the 0-0 draw in the Johnstone’s Paint where we lost on penalties. In the league that same season we drew 1-1 at Kenilworth Road before then losing 0-1 at Griffin Park later on. If you ask me, it’s about time we beat them.

mark wilson27 · October 15, 2011

top notch, thats all I can say mate, keep it up

ScottleeSV · October 16, 2011

Cheers mate

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08/09/10, Johnstone Paint Trophy Last 64

Brentford v Luton Town

GK – Lars Stubhaug (5 apps, 0 goals)

DL – Richie Byrne (44 apps, 1 goal)

DR – Claude Gnakpa (109 apps, 3 goals)

DC – Tony James (62 apps, 4 goals)

DC – Michael McKerr (5 apps, 1 goal)

DMC – Kevin Nicholls (75 apps, 22 goals)

MC – Matthew Gill (42 apps, 1 goal)

ML – Charlie Daniels (55 apps, 5 goals)

MR – Michael Taylor (43 apps, 3 goals)

FC – Dean Bowditch (37 apps, 17 goals)

FC – Scott Spencer (30 apps, 12 goals)

The two teams ran out to by Movin On Up by Primal Scream, Brentford in red and we in our changed strip of white. It didn’t look like a very good crowd to the trained eye. No great surprise there. In fact it reminded me of the last time we had this fixture.

It was a horrible start for us. Brentford took a short corner on the nearside left and when Osborne pinged it into the middle, Savage nipped in front of Gnakpa and powered a downwards header into the turf. It bounced up again into the net and that was the opening goal. Very simple. And very disappointing.

Taylor was then booked for dissent. Not quite sure why. After that the game because very stop/start and very scrappy; a good thing for the side one goal to the good. Not so good for the side chasing the game. About a hundred die hard Luton fans had travelled down for this one. So far they looked like they wish they hadn’t bothered.

16 minutes and a rising shot from Pratt. It was one of those that once taking off never looked like slowing down. It went vertically upwards like a departing jumbo jet and didn’t change trajectory until hitting the very top of the stand. How can anyone hit the ball that hard?

We just weren’t in this game at all. I was really getting bored by the time 20 minutes had upped and passed. But then, out of the blue, a goal –

It came from a lucky pass. Gnaka attempted some kind of cross from deep but mishit it, sending it low towards the edge of the area. Spencer got a quick shot away and caught it so well the keeper could only parry the ball instinctively, this despite the fact it was straight at him and had been hit from twenty yards. Following up was the predatory Bowditch. The striker dived to get a head on the rebound and directed it perfectly into the corner of the net. One-one with 24 minutes played.

After the low scoring dross served up by these two sides two years ago, this was now threatening to become a high scoring game. We improved our overall play after equalizing too. The goal had clearly given us some confidence. Nicholls was starting to come into the game more as well. He’d looked a bit sluggish early on.

The next chance also went to Luton. A Daniels cross from the left was headed downwards by Bowditch and the keeper had to make the save with his legs. The ball deflected away towards the touchline and the move was over.

But back came Brentford. After something of a lean spell they then went and conjured a double-chance, as I call it. The first one came about when Savage wiggled left and right in front of McKerr and eventually fired through his legs. Stubhaug saved well low down to his left, but his block wasn’t strong enough to carry the ball all the way out to the touchline. Adams retrieved it before anybody else and chipped back in before our defence could get properly fortified.

Standing waiting for the headed opportunity was McDonald. With all the time in the world he headed a loopy one back across the wrong-footed Stubhaug. And onto the top of the crossbar it went and behind. Good chance that.

Matthew Gill then did something to his leg that required lengthy treatment on the sidelines. We spent at least five minutes defending doggedly with ten men. Every time we got a goal kick during this passage of play, or Stubhaug managed to collect the ball, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and glanced over to where Gill was getting a leg massage.

Once he was back on the pitch, the play went back to being scrappy again, a bit like it had been earlier. Possession was generally being wasted by both sides.

There was time for more chance before the interval but again it went to The Bees. It was a free kick actually. About twenty five yards out. Pratt took it and curled it beautifully over the wall. Stubhaug always looked like getting there but his actual safe was a bit scruffy. He seemed in two minds as to whether the ball was catchable or not. Eventually he kind of fluffed it awkwardly around the post and the home team had a corner.

Which they wasted.

ScottleeSV · October 17, 2011

“I want you to relax more out there! As competitive fixtures go, this is one that isn’t going to kill us if we lose. That’s not to say I don’t want to win, mind. And that’s not to say that I won’t be annoyed at you if you lose – I mean, if you lose by playing badly – In fact, you know what? Don’t relax. Play hard. Concentrate. Apply yourselves. Keep it tight. And for f__k’s sake don’t f__k it up with any silly mistakes! We need to win this to keep up our early season momentum going!”

Not one of my best team-talks. I blame Chantelle.

The second half began with an unexpected chance for Luton. Gill showed his class with an exquisite thirty yard through ball that pierced the Brentford defence and put Bowditch in the clear. The pass was sufficiently weighty enough that the striker didn’t even need to touch the ball as he himself got closer to goal. When he finally shot, keeper Haber made himself big and got a block on the ball. Golden opportunity gone.

Although nothing else of note happened over the course of the next ten minutes, we were definitely the better side. I couldn’t put my finger on it but things were different this half. Our boys looked like a side for whom, having probably been let off the hook in the first half, could now play freely. Brentford on the other hand looked like they were starting to look ahead to whichever weekend game they had.

In the 61^st minute Byrne and Daniels worked together well down the left (demonstrating shades of their extremely profitable relationship from last season). Daniels swung a cross in and Bowditch got between his markers. The header wasn’t particularly great because it was straight down the middle and not very powerful.

Haber, however, having initially chopped and changed his mind about whether to come out for the cross, had left himself poorly positioned. As such, had Bowditch’s soft header dipped under the bar instead of onto the roof of the net, the keeper wouldn’t have saved it. More fool Bowditch.

Being on the back foot, it was inevitable Brentford would make substitutions, and as it happened they made all three at once. This galvanised me into making two of my own. I kept the formation the same but sent on Poole for Daniels and Kearns for the understandably tiring Nicholls.

Almost immediately after all the changes had taken place, The Bees conjured up a half chance and with it I wondered if they’d also found a second wind. McDonald received a pass inside left from Savage and curled a little half cross half shot type thing in the direction of the back post. Dickson slid in hoping to complete a simple tap-in but couldn’t quite get there in time. The ball eluded him and drifted over the by-line into the advertising hoardings.

It was to prove a false dawn for the home fans. Their heroes truly were poor in the second half. In the 78^th minute I threw Buckley on for Taylor. There isn’t any extra time in this competition so I didn’t need to plan for an extra forty minutes or so.

With ten to go, Richie Byrne tried to hammer a forty yard free kick into the top corner. Instead he found the top corner of the stand.

“Want me to start jotting down possible names for penalties?” Brian asked.

“Can do, I suppose”.

But would we need them? With seven minutes to go Poole used his fresh legs to dance around two players down the left before hooking in a high deep cross. Buckley was there at the back post to volley it back across the six yard box and Spencer connected right footed. Just over. Aw what a chance!

Another came on 88 minutes. After some neat interplay just outside the box, Bowditch slid a sublime pass into Buckley and this time he went alone. The shot with the outside of the foot curled around Haber and hit the far post. Then it bounced out into the path of a Brentford man and was hacked away. This was getting cruel now (on us, I mean). Completely unexpectedly, we were battering them! Surely we weren’t going to lose on penalties in this infernal place again?

Nope.

Buckley’s route down the right might have been halted by Gee in the second minute of stoppage time, but Gnakpa was on hand to pick up the loose ball and dribble around the outside. He then crossed a low bouncy one into the area that caused panic among the home defenders. One of them missed his clearance completely. Then, surprised the first guy had missed it, Spencer missed it too. Out the ball bobbled to Poole at the back of the queue. And he rifled low into the opposite corner without missing a blink.

“Oh get in!” I shouted, jumping up and punching the air.

“Come on!” Brian bellowed.

Nothing quite beats a last minute winner. No matter what the competition. As the Luton faithful cheered in appreciation, the Brentford fans began to file out of the ground in near silence. The referee barely allowed the game to restart before blowing for time. Whisper it quietly, but Luton are the cup trail once again! Hell yeah.

I reckon it was my superior half time team-talk that did it. Worth every penny of that ninety grand me.

--------

FULL TIME (att - 2564)

Brentford 1 (Savage 5)

Luton Town 2 (Bowditch 24, Poole 90+2)

--------

ScottleeSV · October 18, 2011

09/09/10 - These shoes weren't made for acting.

I didn’t arrive at the ground today until afternoon. When I did, I saw Kindra waiting outside Bob’s office. She looked different compared to the last time I’d seen her. She looked somehow classier. More confident. Hair had been straightened to an inch of its life. Looked good.

“Has Bob put you on the naughty step?” I asked.

“No" she laughed. "I’m waiting to see Ricky – that film director. He’s using Bob’s office all day today to hand out parts for the film. Well, the shorter parts anyway. Brenda’s in there at the moment getting hers. Are you still sticking to your guns about not being in it?”

“Yep. Not my thing at all. I hope you enjoy it though. I remember from your interview you said you liked acting”.

“I know but that’s theatre. This is film. Totally different thing. I’m really nervous about it actually”.

“Oh you’ll be fine. It’s only a dumb horror film. With your background you’ll probably outshine even the main cast”.

Kindra smiled at the compliment and looked down at the floor. Then in a heartbeat she reinitiated eye contact and looked serious again.

“You should really be in it, you know. It probably won’t take long to film your part. You’d probably enjoy it”.

“Nah. Not for me. Managing this team takes enough of my time up as it is. I’m not saying your job’s easy in comparison, but mine, well, let’s just say it’s – well, it takes a lot out of you, put it that way”.

“Okay”.

A silence ensued. I was just about to ask Kindra how she was actually getting on with being a ticket administrator when Nicky appeared. She emerged from the communal office and spotted us almost straight away.

“Hey” she said cheerfully.

“Hey” I responded.

Nicky then turned to Kindra.

“Brenda still in there, I take it?”

“Yeah”.

“Aw, I wish this would be quicker. I’m dying for my turn. I want to see who I get to play!”

“Well you won’t have to wait as long as you might think” I interrupted. “I’m not in the queue. I was just saying hi to Kindra”.

Apparently that was enough to kill Nicky’s jolliness. She immediately pulled an unhappy face and eyed me with a squint.

“I can’t believe you’re actually going to pass this up”.

“Nicky – “

“It’ll be so much fun as well! Oh come on, James. Everybody else is doing it!”

Feeling a strange change of heart coming on, I glanced at Kindra. Then at Bob’s door. Then back at Nicky’s unhappy face.

“Oh Christ. Fine then, if you shuts you lot up. Fine. I’ll do it”.

“Yay!”

“Wow” said Kindra, turning to Nicky. “Nice work!”

“Thanks!”

Nicky offered her hand up for the high five and Kindra slapped it (gently). Then, before anything else could be said, Brenda appeared through the door to Bob’s office. She was carrying what looked like a film script.

“Thank heavens that’s over” she said, but waiting until the door was closed behind her before saying it.

“How come?”

“Well, let’s just say that Mr Page-Tansell isn’t the easiest person I’ve ever had to have a conversation with. Anyway, I got my part sorted”.

“What part did you get?!” Nicky asked excitedly.

“I’ll tell you in the office once you’re all back in. I need to sit down first though. I need a coffee”.

Off she sauntered, clearly not picking up on the fact I was no longer stood by Bob’s door just for the purposes of handing out moral support.

“Your turn then, Kindra” I said.

“No no!” Nicky exclaimed, pushing me towards the door. “Let James go next, Kindra, just so he doesn’t have time to change his mind”.

“Okay” Kindra replied, smiling gamely.

Not having the mental energy to resist, I knocked to be polite and went in. Then I closed the door behind myself. From here, at least a minute was wasted as Ricky fleeted around in surprise that I was actually here. Then we sat down to do business. I hoped it wasn’t going to take long.

“Luckily for you, the part I’d originally envisaged you playing is still up for grabs” he informed me, flipping through a pile of scripts on Bob’s desk.

‘Lucky me’.

“So who I am playing then?”

“Yourself”

“What?”

“Well, almost yourself. You’re going to play the manager of the football club, except in this his name is Toby Stringfellow”.

“Right. Not too big a part though, I hope?”

“No no. Just a couple of scenes and then you get bumped off”.

“Okay”.

Judging by how thin each of the scripts were, and also by the fact Ricky visibly hunted through the pile for a specific one to give me, I guessed that each actor was only getting the script for his or her scenes. They’d probably done it this way to save on printing costs.

“It’s been a very productive day so far” Ricky commented, finally handing over my script. “I had all your players in here this morning. One by one. They all wanted a part. I almost didn’t have enough to go around, tell you the truth! Some of them had to be content with walk-on parts”.

“I could do a walk-on part if you want”.

“No it’s okay, you stick with Toby Stringfellow”.

I sighed and flicked through the pages, my eyes not actually seeing any words. I couldn’t be bothered to read it right this second.

“How do I die?” I enquired.

Ricky grinned and sat forwards. His hands were suddenly back out in front of him holding that imaginary football. His Jesus beard bristled with enthusiasm.

“Well, you’re in your office after lockdown – “

“Lockdown?”

“That’s what we call the moment the gorilla killer has the stadium all sealed up so no one can get out. Anyway, in your second scene, you’re in the communal office, and after hearing a strange noise coming from the archives cupboard, you go and investigate. Once you’re in there, the gorilla killer suddenly pops up in front of you. Then, he picks up a beaker of hydrofluoric acid and throws it in your face. Then your face starts to melt!”

I let that hang in the air for a moment before speaking.

“You’re sh!tting me”.

“Nope”.

“I don’t mean to poop on the script writer’s party or anything, but why would there be a beaker of hydrofluoric acid just lying around in the archives cupboard? The're nothing in there but folders and books. And shelves. Lots of them".

“Oh details smeetails. We’ll figure that out by the time we shoot the scene. In the meantime, learn your lines, and err we’ll get in touch with you when we’re ready for you”.

I rubbed my forehead and felt troubled.

“Don’t worry!” said Ricky. “This film is gonna be f__king immense!”

ScottleeSV · October 19, 2011

09/09/10 - These shoes weren't made for acting (part 2)

“So go on then” I said, walking back into the office. “Which character did you get?”

“I’ll tell you when the others get back” Brenda replied. “That way I won’t have to repeat myself”.

“Okay. We might be waiting a while for Darren though. He was having a meeting with Brad up in the canteen last time I saw him”.

“Oh. About the new video service for the website? Yeah he was telling the rest of the office about that this morning. Exciting stuff, I suppose, if you’re a Luton fan”.

Brenda made us both a coffee and we took a peek at our scripts. We didn’t have to wait long before Kindra and then Nicky came in. Evidently their meetings with Ricky hadn’t taken as long as mine had. Both Kindra and Nicky were much more enthusiastic about the film than Brenda or myself, Kindra because she’s into acting anyway and Nicky because she’s generally enthusiastic about everything.

“Well I guess I’ll get the ball rolling, seeing as my script is obviously the smallest” Brenda began. “I play the cleaner”.

“What’s your character's name?” Nicky asked.

“I don’t have one. It’s not a big part. I don’t even have to speak. I’m literally just referred to as The Cleaner”.

“How do you die?” enquired Kindra.

“I don’t. I’m only going to be seen cleaning up in the background during a meeting of the directors. That’s the first and last you'll see of me. The director said I could have a better part but I told him I didn’t want to be a murder victim. So this was the best he could do”.

“You seriously don't want to know how I die” I stated.

“Well before you tell us” Brenda interjected. “Why don’t the rest of you avoid sharing with each other how you get killed? That way, watching the film together will be more fun”.

Nods of agreement from around the room. I didn’t add that I was actually thinking not bothering to watch the film when it comes out.

“I guess I’ll keep my character announcement brief then” said Kindra “I’m playing Rusanara Tendulker, the club physiotherapist”.

‘Christ, how imaginative! I bet that’s the only Indian surname Ricky knows apart from Singh’.

“My character is called Carly Snowball” Nicky then informed the group.

“Carly Snowball!” I exclaimed. “That’s even tackier than my death scene! What does she do?”

“If you mean for a job, I do nothing. I’m the chairman’s daughter. I sneak into the football club to visit one of the players, who I’m supposedly dating”.

Before I could then get worried Ricky might have inadvertently set Nicky and Keith on a collision course, Darren entered the room. He was carrying a script.

“Have you been in to see the film director yet?!” Nicky asked anyway.

“Yeah. Is either one of you two Carly Snowball?”

“Me!”

Darren laughed and waved his script in the air.

“Looks like you’re my new girlfriend then. I’m playing Anton Russell, one of the hot young players”.

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

Cue lots of jokes and studying of the lines etc, at least as far as Nicky and Darren were concerned. The rest of us downed scripts and got back to work. I decided I’d read mine later at home.

I’ve got to admit, the Nicky and Darren thing really f__ked me off for the rest of the day. Having shared that intimate moment at the festival, me and her would surely have felt more comfortable playing on screen partners than her and Darren?

Okay, so Ricky obviously doesn’t know about that. But why the hell has Darren been cast as a player? He knows nothing about being a player. I used to be a player. I have player experience. Darren doesn’t. As far as I’m concerned, I should have been cast as Anton Russell and he should have been given something else. You can’t fake being a football player. Even Sean Bean didn’t pull it off.

I suppose I shouldn’t be that bothered but – I dunno – I just am! If nothing else, playing each other's partner would have maybe given me and Nicky the chance to raise the unspoken subject of what happened in the tent. It’s really p!ssing me off now that almost two weeks have passed and still neither of us have said anything about it.

I’d have definitely thought she would have said something by now, even if it was just a simple – Hey, that thing with the tent! I don’t regret it or anything. It was really nice actually. Probably for the best Darren turned up when he did though, right? Anyway, no hard feelings or anything. All’s good’.

But no. Nothing.

I can’t help wondering if she secretly hates the fact it happened, a bit like a girl who kisses some cretin at a house party she doesn’t actually fancy, and then wakes up feeling icky, determined to bury the memory as best she can. I’d hate it if that was the case.

It doesn’t matter. I don’t need to know what she thinks of me. I’ve got Chantelle (well, hopefully I’ve got Chantelle). I don’t need to p!ss myself off with this s__t.

Furthermore, I've got an important League Two campaign to be cracking on with. I shouldn't be wasting my time even thinking about this, let alone writing about it. I'm ending this diary entry right here and now. The end. Gone. I'm going to bed. I'm off. Bye.

Chao Yang · October 20, 2011

Dump Chantelle! Keep Nicky!

ScottleeSV · October 20, 2011

The Nicky fanclub continues to grow

On a different note, the date for those previous two posts should have been Sep 9th. Now corrected.

----------------

10/09/10 - A strike or a split?

Me and Darren went ten pin bowling at lunchtime today. No great reason for it. We just did it.

For the first few turns we talked about nothing but the bowling. But then Darren found some excuse to mention the Carly and Anton thing and that really bugged me. So, desperate to change the conversation, I finally told him about Chantelle.

He didn’t seem that surprised at the reveal, funnily enough. I suppose, if I really think about it, I shouldn’t be that surprised that he wasn’t surprised. I’d told him a while ago he’d be shocked when he found out who it was. Chances are he went away and really thought that one through. Chantelle’s name probably at least entered his head as a possible. He’s a very smart guy is Darren, despite all the bravado and bulls__t.

In terms of me actually being back with her, he didn’t have much to say. He understood where I was coming from and that was that.

But as for the Marcus thing, and all the delays in sealing the deal, Darren had plenty to say.

“Three weeks is ridiculous” he told me, picking up a black size twelve and getting ready to take his next go. “It shouldn’t take anywhere near that long, even for the reasons she said. If you ask me, she’s messing you around. You need to get this sorted”.

“Yeah I know that. I don’t want to rock the boat though. That’s the thing. If we part ways one more time, no matter who’s fault it is, I think that would be it. I don’t think we’d go back a third time”.

“It doesn’t matter, mate. Forget all that. She’s seriously taking the Mickey with this Marcus thing. You’ve got to sort it out. Not next week, not tomorrow, but now. Trust me, the more you let a woman get away with stuff like this, the more she'll do it. You've got to tell her straight".

“And if she tells me to get stuffed?”

“Then you forget her and move on! Simples. It doesn’t matter how much you like someone; if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be”.

He was right. Depressingly, he was right. Maybe I’d just needed to hear it from someone else first, but now, I think I felt ready to – well – I dunno – give her an ultimatum? It was certainly something to chew on.

In the meantime Darren bowled a beautiful fast ball down the lane that first curled one way before spinning back and knocking all ten pins down. Just like that.

“Oh yeah baby! Oh yeah!”

There were some girls on the next lane over. They’d seen Darren’s strike and were now looking at him. Noticing their attentions, Darren gave them a little wink, did a little clicking thing with his tongue, and walked back to his seat. The girls grinned and returned to their own game.

“How do you do that?”

“What? With the girls?”

“No, with the ball. I mean that wrist spin thing. How do you get it to curl back like that?”

“Trade secrets, my man. Trade secrets”.

The score was already 34-21 in his favour. And that had been before the latest strike! God knows what it was going to be five minutes from now when the computer added his points on.

I’ve never been that great at bowling. It’s not that I don’t have the arm strength, or even the accuracy. The problem stems from a habit I picked up as a kid when I stuck my fingers in the wrong holes (no jokes please). As such, I bowled my first ever ball in a really unorthodox manner and my brain has never known any other way ever since.

To make my style work, I have to use the lightest ball possible, bowl in a completely straight line, and throw it slow. Then I’m relying on inch perfect accuracy to score points. I find I can usually score in the 120-140 region playing this way. It’s enough to beat some good players, but not most of them. I could already see it wasn’t going to be enough to trouble Darren today.

On the other side of our lane, a mother and two kids were playing. The kids were both under ten. So far I’d had to keep holding my hands right next to where the balls come out to make sure I got the really light one before the kids did.

I took dead aim now and went through my pre-shot routine. Then I let go.

The ball rolled straight. Well, mostly straight. It took a funny roll halfway down though and veered off to the left corner. It took just one pin down and disappeared.

‘For crying out loud!’

“I could put the rails up for you if that will help” Darren suggested.

“F_ck you”.

This game was over as a competitive contest and we weren’t even halfway through yet.

My mind though was firmly on Chantelle now. The ultimatum idea had evolved in my subconscious quicker than I’d anticipated. I was ready to do it. Right here right now. Over text message. Before the bowling game had even finished.

I told Darren what I going to do beforehand (just in case he objected). The act of doing this brought it home to me just how much my confidence with women has taken a nosedive recently. There was a time I never would have even dreamed of asking a mate for dating advice. I just never did it. Three weeks of being rejected and ignored by Chantelle and Nicky though have really made me feel – old?

There might be something in that but I'm not going to think about it now. Anyway, as Darren went off to take his next turn, I got my phone out and began to type.

Hi. Listen, I don’t mean to be rude but three weeks is too much. You’ve had more than enough time to sort this. How long am I supposed to wait? You’ve got until 9pm Monday night to get rid of him. That’s three days. Otherwise, I’m gone. And I’m deadly serious! Sorry to do this but I’ve had enough. Love you. Hope you do the right thing x

Sent.

It had been Darren’s idea to give her three days. I’d been thinking of giving her one! Still, three days it was and three days she was going to get. Then I would say goodbye and move on. Unless of course a miracle happened and she actually dumped him. If that happened I would say hallelujah, count my lucky stars, and maybe go back to talking more about football than I do women.

“Did you send it?”

“Yep”.

“Good man! You did the right thing”.

Rather than wait an instant reply from Chantelle, I stepped up to the plate to take my next turn.

‘Hang on. Where’s my fecking ball gone?’

I looked up. The youngest kid, the one with the toothy grin, was holding my ball on the other side of the barrier and looking straight at me.

“Hey kid” I said, smiling back at him. “That’s my ball. Why don’t you just – hand it back over and I’ll err – I’ll give you a chip”.

In response he turned to his lane and quickly threw the ball down. It didn’t even go anywhere near the pins. God knows where his mother was. In the loo?

Sighing, I stood back up to my full height and turned towards Darren.

“Dude!” my companion chuckled from his chair. “Tough break that. Tough break”.

ScottleeSV · October 21, 2011

11/09/10, League Match 5

Luton Town v Chester City

GK – Lars Stubhaug (6 apps, 0 goals)

DL – Charlie Daniels (56 apps, 5 goals)

DR – Claude Gnakpa (110 apps, 3 goals)

DC – Tony James (63 apps, 4 goals)

DC – Dorian Moore (1 app, 0 goals)

DMC – Kevin Nicholls (76 apps, 22 goals)

MC – Matthew Gill (43 apps, 1 goal)

ML – Glenn Poole (5 apps, 1 goal)

MR - Michael Taylor (44 apps, 3 goals)

FC – Dean Bowditch (38 apps, 18 goals)

FC – Scott Spencer (31 apps, 12 goals)

It took until half past eight last night for Chantelle to reply to my text. That’s approximately seven hours. Why it took that long I may never know. However, she did text in the end and when I read the contents I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yeah your right it has been too long. Come round mine 2moro night after 8pm?

A bit short and sweet but at least she didn’t complain about the deadline.

There wasn’t much in the way of hellos or kisses in there, but maybe Marcus had been floating around nearby she’d had to work quickly. Come to think of it, that’s probably the reason it took seven hours to send in the first place.

The main thing is that she’s obviously on side. Everything’s going smoothly and according to plan. Well, the revised plan anyway.

Onto today’s match and this was definitely a winnable one. Chester were second bottom of the league coming into this. They’d taken one point from four games and were surely low on confidence. Two years ago Chester and our selves produced a pair of mind-bogglingly dull 0-0 draws. Hopefully this season we can conjure something better.

With Keane serving the last of his three match ban, Gill continued in midfield alongside Nicholls. I also put Poole back on the left wing as a reward for his goal against Brentford. Daniels I kept in but played at left back. Thus, Byrne was dropped. The only other change was in central defence. Young Dorian Moore has had a good week in training so I decided to give him another chance in place of McKerr. The latter of course is meant to be a right back anyway.

To the theme tune from the film Gladiator (a strange choice of music, if you ask me), Luton ran out in orange and Chester in blue and white. It was a relatively sunny day in Bedfordshire with only a light breeze in tow.

We might have been knackered from our midweek Johnstone’s Paint duty, but so were Chester. In the first five minutes alone we created three chances. First a goalmouth scramble from a corner was almost poked home by Gill. The defender on the line didn’t know anything about it when it hit his leg and deflected into the keeper’s hands.

Then a scorcher from Nicholls went just wide from twenty yards before the best of the bunch. A run from Poole down the left was met with a downwards header from Bowditch. He mistimed it, glancing at the header too much instead of actually heading it. This gave Spencer, sliding in at the back post, a chance to get there for the tap-in. He did get there. But the linesman’s flag was up. Stood to reason really.

As time went on, I kept thinking Chester had to make a chance at some point but they never did. Not in this half anyway. They were simply awful. Even in the periods of play we didn’t create much, Chester kept the home fans warm by collecting bookings. Stanton, Wilson, and Lowe all saw foul of the referee before half time. We our on the other hand, going completely against type (considering out season to this point!), remained yellow card free.

Chances continued to be regular but unmemorable until the 29^th minute. Then McNully tried to head back to goalkeeper Danby but left it short. Bowditch nipped in but couldn’t quite get there.

Such was his rush to beat Bowditch to the punch, Danby mishit his clearance left and low and it went straight to Taylor. The winger immediately darted forwards into the open space and crossed for Bowditch. From here Bowditch was unmarked. He placed a nice header into the bottom left hand corner and that was one-nil to the Hatters. The emotion around the ground was relief rather than joy.

Another opportunity in the 32^nd. This one stemmed from our good play rather than Chester’s mistakes. The quintet of Gill, Nicholls, Poole, James, and Spencer all swapped about twenty short passes in the middle of the field before El Skip finally went for the risky one down the middle. Spencer raced onto it but couldn’t clear the keeper with his attempted chip. Danby blocked it back out and Lowe assumed possession.

I’m going to try and being neutral here and describe the visiting side’s BIG moment in the 35th minute. Howell won a throw-in deep down the left and Lowe found Harris with it. Harris ran to the by-line to get the cross in but could only smack it into the side netting. Stubhaug watched it all the way. Ooh! Not far away!

Our final chance of the half was sandwiched between wayward long shots from Spencer and Gill. A corner was whipped in by Nicholls and the ball ping-ponged into the path of Spencer – two yards out. With the keeper on his arse in front of him blocking the route to goal, Spencer elected a panicky sideways pass to Bowditch rather than just attempt the blaster into the roof of the net. The pass was technically fine but Bowditch hadn’t anticipated and it went through his legs.

We were about nine shots to one ahead in the stats column at half time. I just hoped we weren’t going to regret not scoring more goals.

STFCDP1990 · October 22, 2011

I've got to say that it feels strange seeing Chester still in the league! Great story as always!

ScottleeSV · October 22, 2011

They'll be back in the league eventually I'm sure.

----------------

“We’re well on top here. Just keep playing the same way and that should hopefully do it. Anything to add Brian?”

“Err – “

“That’s that then. Now get out there and keep up the good work”.

Chester had made a sneaky substitution at half time, Picken replacing Stanton. Obviously it had to be tactical. I couldn’t tell what formation they’d moved to though and I didn’t even want to try.

The switch accomplished nothing. After 50 minutes, Taylor robbed Wilson and went on a pile-driving dash down the right. I’ve never understood that word. How can driving a pile (of dirt, say) be equated with going really fast? I’ll have to look that one up on t’internet.

Taylor’s cross was a low skidding one that Danby should have collected but didn’t. Instead he stayed rooted to his line as the ball flashed in front of about five players. Spencer was the closest of our boys to getting the decisive touch. He failed.

More joy in the 52^nd. Well, just so long as you don’t only define joy as scoring a goal. Poole this time fed Bowditch in and around the penalty spot. Bowditch shaped to shoot but instead sold McNully a dummy. He then shot left-footed but Danby saved with a left hand, pushing it around for a corner. The corner itself was a rare stinker from Nicholls; it went straight behind for a goal kick. Don’t often see him do that.

Intent on staying ahead of the game, I made two subs at my generally preferred stage of doing so – the hour mark. On went Dodds for Spencer and Kearns for Gill. Would this be the day Dodds would break his duck in a Luton shirt? We would see.

Desperate to try anything short of stripping nude to distract us, Chester also took their total number of substitutions to two. I was half surprised they didn’t just go ahead and make all three given how poor they’d been. Anyway, on went Goodwin.

And just like that, Chester enjoyed a spell. It wasn’t a strong spell equal in relative terms to something Gandalf in Lord of the Rings might perform. But neither was it a tiny insignificant spell (ala Filch in Harry Potter). No, in the league table of spells, it was somewhere in the middle. It was maybe Mickey standard from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. That kind of standard of spell.

Now I’ll describe the spell’s ingredients. First, in the 63^rd minute, a long diagonal free kick from Wilson went all the way to the back post where Goodwin met it with a header. He aimed for the side of the goals nearest to him but didn’t get enough on it, sending it wide.

Then in the 66^th,Howell and Talbot perhaps demonstrated why Chester haven’t been scoring too many goals by messing around too much on the edge of our area. Talbot did eventually pull the trigger but he was having to dig it out from under his feet by that point and Stubhaug was able to catch as well as save. And yes that is ex Luton forward Drew Talbot.

And just like that the spell was over. There wouldn’t be another.

Before I’d known it was over, I made my third and final substitution. It was a bit early to be playing my entire hand but I’d started to panic a bit by this point. On went Buckley for Bowditch.

Not to worry though because for the rest of the match it was all Luton again, and a lot of that can be attributed to Linwood’s sending off in the 76^th minute. It’s not a particularly exciting red card to go into. The guy chopped down Taylor in the first half for his initial booking, and Moore in the second half for his second booking. And no magical spell was going to reverse that predicament for the lad.

We almost made the game safe during the minutes that followed. Kearns rifled a lot shot through countless legs that struck the upright and bounced out again. The keeper didn’t even move. The crowd gave the boys a round of applause following this because the move that led to the shot had been rather intricate and clever.

We went close again two minutes later but I didn't see it because Brian sneezed and distracted me.

Although the score remained one-nil for the duration, the closing stages were very comfortable. Chester had been largely poor with eleven men and they were even more woeful with ten. It was just a struggle for them to reach the final whistle without incurring further damage, never mind going hunting for an equaliser.

There were big roars from the home faithful at the final whistle. Despite the fact nobody really had any clue how we’d get on this season, we seem to be doing rather well. Are we strong favourites for a playoff place now?

An automatic promotion spot even?

----------------

FINAL SCORE (att - 6005)

Luton Town 1 (Bowditch 29)

Chester City 0 (Linwood s/o 76)

----------------

(other results)

Barnet 2-0 Darlington

Cheltenham 0-0 Wycombe

Chesterfield 3-0 Oldham

Exeter 1-0 Walsall

Grays 5-0 Brentford

Grimsby 0-3 Bournemouth

Notts County 0-3 Lincoln

Rochdale 2-0 Hereford

Rotherham 2-1 Aldershot

Shrewsbury 2-1 Accrington Stanley

Torquay 0-2 Yeovil

----------------

(table)

1 - Exeter (15)

2 - Grays (12)

3 - Notts County (12)

----------------

4 - Lincoln (12)

5 - Shrewsbury (10)

6 - Luton (10)

7 - Rotherham (10)

----------------

8 - Chesterfield (9)

ScottleeSV · October 23, 2011

12/09/10 - Command and Conquer : Retaliation

Late Sunday evening I went to Chantelle’s house, just as we'd agreed. I was in really good spirits. This weekend I’d not only managed a fine win in the football, I was about to end my single days. Life was good.

Just before I got out of the car I checked my hair looked okay in the rear view mirror. Then I took one more quick look at the text message Darren had sent me a couple of hours ago.

Good luck tonight, mate. Don’t forget though! The end of Monday is the deadline. Don’t forget it and do NOT back down for ANY reason. End of Monday is the deadline. Repeat in your head lol

I did. Over and over again as I walked up to the front door.

‘End of Monday. No more. End of Monday. No more. You will NOT grant any extensions, James. End of Monday. No more’.

I knocked on the door and she let me in. As has been normal for her recently, she seemed to have made a huge effort to do herself up. And her perfume was knockout too. Anyway, we smiled and kissed and everything seemed rosy. It was a good positive start to the proceedings.

Once in the living room we sat down on the couch two inches apart and made some light conversation. Briefly I asked how Luke was. Briefly she asked how Luton were getting on. And so on. Eventually though, it was time for business.

“Sooooo” I began slowly. “Did you finish it with he-who-shall-not-be-named?”

“No, but I’m going to do it tonight over the phone. Well, I’m probably going to do it. It depends”.

“Depends on what?”

“Depends on you”.

“I don’t follow you”.

Before replying again she looked down at her fingernails and fidgeted. All of a sudden she looked nervous, like maybe she was worried by how I might react to what she was going to say next. I've seen that look a few times before, funnily enough.

“There’s another reason why I’ve been holding off from getting back with you, something that doesn’t involve Marcus”.

‘Oh for f__k's sake. Here we go’.

Fearing the worst, I covered my face with my hands and gingerly asked her what that was.

“Well, it’s you” she then said. “I just don’t trust you. Well, not fully. I’m just worried that if we get back together, things will go exactly the same as they did last time. I’m worried we’ll be alright for a while and then the moment we have a falling out you’ll use it as an excuse to – “

I interrupted at that point and launched into a speech about how I would never do that again, and how new James very much rules the roost over old James. It was quite a lengthy, convincing speech actually (or at least I thought so) that went on for more than a minute.

“It’s not enough” she eventually came back with. “Words are not enough. I need proof that you mean what you say. I need you to prove it”.

“Well how the feckin’ hell can I do that?” I retorted.

Chantelle fidgeted some more and looked away. Then she briefly looked at me before finally settling on staring down at her knees.

“I want you to move in with us. That would prove to me that you’re serious”.

“Well sure, we can talk about that at some point down the line. I’m all for – “

“No! I mean straight away, as in this week”.

It was as if someone had just stuck a needle up my arse. I bounced off the settee a bit like one of those ninjas who flip straight back to their feet from a lying down position. New James was suddenly struggling not to morph back into old James.

“You what?! Move in this week?! We haven’t even started going out yet!”

“Oh I knew you’d say that!” she shot back, and now it was her turn to get to her feet. “Look, if we get back together, I’m not starting it all the way from the very beginning again. Screw that! As far as I’m concerned, we’re carrying on from where we left off when we split up, and at the point we split up we’d been going out for eight months and were close to moving in with each other”.

Only a woman can come out with logic like that.

“Chantelle” I began, softly. “Yes we were close to moving in together. However, we didn’t. Instead it all went wrong close to the end. Now look; when a team loses in the playoff final, they don’t get to play another playoff final in October just because they fancy another quick crack at going up. No, they have to play a whole season again and do it the hard way”.

“But what if they lose another playoff final?” she asked after a thoughtful pause.

“Then they don’t f__king well go up then do they!” I shouted.

Regretful of raising my voice, I sat back down on the couch to appear less aggressive.

“Look” Chantelle began, still on her feet, seizing the moment. “You might be happy spending your whole life living in a flat on your own but I’m not. I’ve a got kid. I want to have a proper family life for him. In a proper family home. With a proper mum and dad. A married mum and dad. That's right, I want to get married too”.

“Don’t tell me you want to do that this week as well?”

“No. That can wait a while. I want it done before Christmas though”.

"Get what done before Christmas? Getting engaged?"

"No. Getting married. As in the ceremony and stuff".

I think I almost fainted.

“EH?!”

“You heard” Chantelle calmly replied. “So let’s sum up, shall we? If we’re getting back together, I want you to move in by the end of this week, I want to get married by Christmas, and also, seeing as we’d have to be engaged if we were planning on getting married, I also want a ring on my finger pretty much as soon as you’ve moved in. You can have a couple of weeks to sort that out though if you want”.

“I appreciate that. Cheers”.

“So what’s it to be?”

“Forget it! You can’t just give me ultimatums like this! It’s ridiculous!”

“You gave me an ultimatum, remember? You said I had three days to dump Marcus. If you can give me one, why can’t I give you one? If you can’t hack receiving ultimatums then maybe you shouldn’t give them out”.

I exhaled slowly and chewed things over. I hadn’t come prepared for this. I needed time to think. I needed to adjourn for the night and maybe go bowling with Darren again. Darren would know what to do.

“I need some time to think about this”.

“By all means. You’ve got half an hour”.

“What?!”

“If you truly loved me and wanted to be with me, you’d say yes straight away. You certainly wouldn’t need to go away for days on end. Like I said, you’ve got half an hour. And I’m only giving you that because I know how rubbish you are at doing the right thing before thinking it through”.

“Half an hour” I repeated in a daze.

“Well, twenty nine minutes now”.

Panpardus · October 23, 2011

Haha, this one rivals Patty.

Nice work.

ScottleeSV · October 24, 2011

Ta, pan

----------------

12/09/10 - Command and Conquer : Red Alert

Later that evening, I lay awake with my head on the pillow. It had been a very eventful night and I couldn’t sleep for thinking about it. Not even for a little while.

Being careful not to wake Chantelle, I moved her arm off me and slowly climbed out from underneath the sheets. Then I began to put my clothes on. I did this very quietly and very slowly. Item by item. No noise whatsoever.

My mini mission successful (eventually) I grabbed my watch from on top of the bedside drawer and put it on. I also grabbed my wallet and keys and stuffed them all in my jeans pockets. Then I tiptoed towards the door. Once outside, I went downstairs and grabbed my trainers. I didn’t have to be so quiet by this point and was moving much quicker as a result.

‘Phone. Where’s my phone?’

From memory, it was in the living room. I’d taken it out earlier when Darren had texted again to ask how things had gone. I’d not texted back at the time but I hadn’t put the phone back in my pocket either. I’d left it on the tiny little table where the home phone is. By the couch.

The apartment covered in darkness, I crept into the living room now and retrieved the phone. Then I went back to the hallway.

As I did, the light suddenly went on and there was Chantelle in her dressing gown at the top of their stairs.

“Where are you going?” she asked, heading down the steps.

“Home. I can’t stay over. Bambi needs walking and feeding”.

“Oh yeah. I forgot about her. Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I didn’t want to disturb you”.

“Okay”.

She’d reached the foot of the stairs now. Adjusting her bedraggled hair slightly, she put her arms around my neck and kissed me intensely.

“I feel like the happiest person in the world right now” she said.

“Yeah me too” I replied.

“No second thoughts?”

“Of course not”.

“Cool. I’m going to start planning everything this week. Oh, and I’ll clear loads of space out of the wardrobes and drawers by Friday. You’ll have plenty of space to put all your stuff”.

“Great”.

She retreated her hands to my shoulders. Although she seemed to be in possibly the giddiest mood I’d ever seen her in, she now suddenly looked puzzled and concerned.

“Are you absolutely sure this is what you want? You look a bit spaced out, to be honest. Your cheeks are a bit white".

“No, seriously, I’m over the moon and definitely very happy. I’m just – in a state of shock. But it’s a happy shock! I’ll be back to normal tomorrow”.

“Cool”.

We kissed some more. A lot more. She didn’t seem to want to pull away. Eventually though I did make it out to the car and I did manage to start it.

It was in something of a daze I drove home. If I looked spaced out it was because I felt spaced out. I even messed up a red light at one point. My head was so much in cloud cuckoo land, a car had to screech to a halt in front of me.

“It’s a f__king red light, you moron!” I heard some geezer shout. He was too thin to be him, thank God.

“Sorry!” I cried out through the glass, holding my hand up.

Just as I parked up outside my flat, my beautiful amazing flat that I truly love living in, Darren called me up.

“Hey dude”.

“Hey” I said back.

“You didn’t reply to my text. How did it go? Did she dump him?”

“Err yeah she dumped him alright. Over the phone".

“Sweet! So the ultimatum worked then? She got back with you?”

“Yeah. Putty in my hands, mate. Putty in my hands”.

As we talked I locked the car up and walked to my front door. With Bambi to feed and walk, it would be a multi-tasking James probably all the way up to the end of this call.

“I knew my idea would work" Darren boasted. "You see, not to sound patronizing but women but don’t want someone being airy-fairy around them like you were being last week. They want you to stand firm, be a man, and tell them what’s going to happen next. Take it from me; you’ve done exactly the right thing tonight. You’ve gone around there, you’ve put your foot down, and you’ve set your marker out. And look what the response has been from her! She’s obviously folded like a cheap suit. Ha!”

“Yeah” I said uneasily.

“Congratulations are definitely in order, I think”.

“Eh? Sorry what, Darren?”

“Congratulations! I mean let’s face it; you have struck a huge blow for men everywhere tonight. Absolute top drawer stuff, mate”.

“Yeah”.

We signed off with our goodbyes and I was able to put the phone away.

Bambi was in the kitchen when I found her, licking at a piece of used foil I must have accidently dropped on the floor.

“Hey, La Bamba” I said, crouching down and giving her a quick fuss. “Listen, I don’t suppose you fancy being a bridesmaid do you?”

ScottleeSV · October 25, 2011

08/03/04 - The Shayme of it

“You don’t have much respect for the institution of marriage do you, James?”

“I don’t have any respect for Halifax Town either, but I still work there. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll wind up just like you”.

“Only reluctantly though, I’ll bet”.

“Nah, I wouldn’t mind getting hitched one day. But I’ll only do it if it feels absolutely perfect”.

“Fair enough”.

"And there won't be no massive age gap like with you and him. Two or three years either side for me. Max".

Briony smiled and drained the rest of her white wine. Then she pulled away to the side of the bath. It wasn’t a conventional bath. It was more like a hot-tub posing as a bath. Amazing what money can buy for you, even in this s__thole of a town.

Wading my way over to the opposite side to the one she’d gone, I picked up my own glass and had a long overdue swallow. Then I turned around to face her, elbows resting behind me.

“I’ve got something to tell you” she said over the sound of the bubbles. “You might find it interesting. And I’m sure I can trust you to keep it to yourself”.

“Go on”.

“There’s a scam going on at the football ground. Some of the players are swindling money out of the club”.

“Now that is interesting” I replied.

She was a game girl. A very matter-of-fact girl. And very fit of course of I wouldn’t have been here. She was also in her mid-thirties, which made her exciting. I’ve wasted much more of my life on worse.

“At least three of them are in on it, to my knowledge. They’re taking money from the turnstiles. Not enough to get people suspicious, but just enough to line their pockets ahead of a big night out”.

“What you mean taking it? Surely if the amount of money going into Halifax’s bank doesn’t correspond with what the turnstile men write down – “

“No, you don’t understand. The players pulling the scam have got mates working the actual turnstiles. They’re in on it together. As for the amounts not matching, well, they do match. That’s the thing. What they’re doing is accepting money from people who pay adult prices and writing them down as concessions. And, probably, other variations on the theme”.

“How do you know about it?”

“One of the guys who’s in on it doesn’t want to be in on it. He’s only a young lad. I think he thought, when he told me, I’d be able to do something about it”.

“And why can’t you?”

“You know why”.

No. I didn’t.

Without pushing her further though, I climbed out of the hot-tub and grabbed the towel I’d brought with me from my backpack. Briony’s husband had plenty of towels but I didn’t like to use his because it made me feel guilty.

“But maybe I know someone who could do it” Briony plodded on. “A good man – an intelligent man - someone who’s not really in with his fellow players around here - someone without any proper ties to Halifax anyway – someone who probably won’t even come back here once he’s left – someone like you maybe”.

“I don’t really know what you expect me to do. Even if you’ve got a list of names, grassing them up is out because I’m presuming you’ve got no hard evidence”.

“I know. That’s another reason I’ve not done anything myself. But you, I don’t know. There’s something about you. I just think that if you really wanted to stop them you’d find a way. Somehow”.

I shook my head and continued to dry off. Then I grabbed my clothes and put them on. Briony meanwhile made no move to follow me, just stared ahead at the far wall. The bubble function seemed to have stopped its bubbling. Maybe it operated on a timer?

“Just out of curiosity” I began. “Who are the main players?”

“Probably not anyone you weren’t expecting – Caplan, Crusher, Azza – they’re the main ones anyway”.

“I see”.

Now I crouched down and kissed her on the forehead (she’d turned towards me very slowly so not to splash water on my clothes). Her long blonde hair was tied back stylishly with a clip so to avoid contact with the water.

“I’ll think about it” I told her.

“Okay. Oh, and go out the back again when you leave, will you? I don’t trust that old man next door”.

“Back door. Right”.

I made to take off now and leave her to it. Before fully committing however I briefly paused in the doorway.

“Something else I’m curious about”.

“Yes?”

“If I’m such a smart - a good man - why do I keep coming here?”

“That’s my problem. Not yours”.

“Okay”.

Now I took off for real.

ScottleeSV · October 26, 2011

16/09/10 - Joining a new type of club

“So let me get this straight” Brian said. “You decided to give Chantelle another chance, but you kept it secret for the first few weeks because you didn’t want to jinx it. Then you decided to ask her to marry you and she said yes”.

“Err yeah. That just about sums it up, I guess”.

But Brian still looked extremely perturbed.

“Okay” he began. “If I really tried to stretch my imagination far enough, maybe I could just about buy the idea of you going back out with her. But getting engaged?! After three weeks?!"

Taking a sip of my Arctic Shopping Trolley, I silently reminded myself to keep cool. This reaction from Brian was only to have been expected after all.

“Look, I know you probably think I’m rushing into this, but the truth is, I don’t want to just live in that dingy flat by myself for the rest of my life. And besides, I’ve got Bambi to think about. I want her to have a proper family - in a proper family home - with a proper mum and dad – a married mum and dad”.

“So you want to settle down. Okay, maybe I can buy that too. But with Chantelle?!”

“Why not? We’re crazy about each other. And we’ve got tons in common as well. We both love nights out. We both watch Hollyoaks and Corrie. We both fancy each other. We both like nights out – “

“You already said that one”.

“We both enjoy meals out. All sorts. Most of all though; we’ve just got this kind of really deep, intuitive bond these days that wasn’t always there in the past. Do you know what I mean? I can’t explain it very well. We’re both just so much on the same page, you know? Both on the same road. Both riding the same elevator. It's actually scary sometimes”.

“Right” my assistant responded dubiously.

This wasn’t working, me thought. Time for a change of tactic.

Dropping the psychoanalysis stuff, I slowly began to tell Brian all about how, over the summer, I’d begun to regret more and more the fact that I’d dumped her. I left the out the sub-plot with the goth festival. That just seems completely irrelevant to anything now that I’m engaged.

Once I was finished with this, he still looked wholly unconvinced. He was starting to get on my nerves actually.

“Look” I said more firmly. “The bottom line here is that I’m marrying Chantelle. I'm not going to change my mind either. You know what? This is probably the first time in my entire life I’ve made a really sensible, mature, firm decision about where I’m going in my life. The least I should be able to expect from you is – “

“Yeah, of course! Sorry mate! Sorry”

And just like that his attitude changed. Just like that.

“So you should be” I told him.

“I just wanted to be sure that you’re sure, that’s all” he explained, holding out his right hand. “Anyway, congratulations, mate. And welcome to the club”.

“Now that’s more like it” I smiled, accepting the offer to shake.

“So when’s the big day then?”

“We don’t know yet. We’re thinking first week in December. I know that means we probably won’t be able to have the honeymoon until next summer, but we really want to get married straight away, you know?”

"Because that's what the secret intuitive bond thing is telling you both to do"

“Yeah. Something like that".

Both of us paused to take sips of our pints. I hoped we’d be having quite a few tonight. This was my last night of freedom after all. Tomorrow evening I would be moving my things out of Dilic’s flat and into Chantelle’s. With this in mind, I now decided to finally tell Brian something he would want to hear. It definitely seemed the appropriate night for it.

“By the way, I’d like it if you were best man”.

“What?!”

“You heard”.

He looked genuinely stunned.

“But – I mean – I thought – I thought you’d ask Steve or something”.

“Nah. I know you’re supposed to ask the friend you’ve known the longest, but I don’t want to do it like that. I want to make the decision based on what feels right, and without getting all soppy on you, it feels right that you should take the gig”.

“Jesus” he exclaimed softly, wiping some drops of Arctic Shopping Trolley from his stubble (the picture on the tap for that, by the way, was of an shopping cart rolling unmanned down a snowy hill in the direction of a glacial lake. Whatever will they think of next?)

“Can I assume you’ll accept?”

“Of course I will, mate! And look, I’m sorry I was a bit funny with you before. Hand on heart, I honestly think you and Chantelle will make a great team. I really do. I was just, you know, checking that you definitely - “

"Hey, forget about it! I’m glad you’ve said yes”.

“It was my honour to”.

Grinning broadly, we clinked glasses and all was right with the world again.

salkster2102 · October 27, 2011

I look forward to your 8th anniversary of the 93rd post

ScottleeSV · October 27, 2011

Heh

For the uninitiated, it's best you check out the final page of the current general chat thread rather than have me explain.

----------------

17/09/10 - Right dead Fred

Despite the fact I’ve told Brian about the engagement, I’m delaying telling the office staff because ideally I’d like to continue doing it one by one. Whether it will turn out to be practical that way, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t get any opportunities today.

As I entered the ground floor corridor this afternoon I inadvertently stepped onto an active film set. Several people I didn’t recognise all groaned simultaneously and asked me to get out of the way. Locking eyes with Ricky and Gerald, the only ones I recognised, I quickly skipped across the open space to join them. Not that they bothered to say hello when I got there. They just guided me around to the back of them and returned to the job in hand.

“Okay, people” Ricky shouted, staring one-eyed into a huge camera that was about half the size of him. “Obviously that was a false start so let’s go again. Old Joe’s death scene - take three. Annnnnnd action!”

Gerald snapped a black snappy thing shut over Ricky's head and the corridor went silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, out through the door to the stairwell, out came Fred! As in OUR Fred. He was carrying his favourite pitchfork too. Obviously this was meant to happen because Ricky didn’t shout cut.

Fred walked nonchalantly in the direction of the cameras right up to the point a noise sounded out from the storage cupboard next to the female toilets. Then he began to shiver and look panicky. It wasn't the best attempting at acting I've ever seen, to be honest.

“What’s that?” he called out. “Who’s in there? – I said who's in there? - you’d better come out or you'll be sorry – okay then, I’m coming – don't say you haven't been warned!”

Very slowly, Fred sidled up to the door. Then he took one hand off the pitchfork and placed it on the door handle. At this point he paused. Maybe for ten seconds. During the delay, Ricky moved the camera slowly along a small dolly track so to get closer. Then, without warning, the cupboard door burst open in Fred’s face.

The sight of the gorilla killer leaping out into the corridor of Luton Town Football Club made even me jump, and I was stood twenty yards away! Fred though nearly had actual heart attack. Rather than let the killer wrestle the pitchfork from his grasp (which I imagined was what was meant to happen), Fred instinctively jabbed out with it and it caught the killer’s hand.

“Aw f_ck!” the younger guy cried, ripping his gorilla mask off and throwing it to the floor. “My f__king hand! He stabbed me in the f__king hand!”

“Cut!” Ricky cried, stepping out from behind his movie-maker. “Fred, what the f__k was that?! You’re supposed to let him take it! Not stab him with it!”

“Err, sorry about that” Fred mumbled, looking utterly horrified. “He startled me”.

“Startle you? How can he startle you when you already know he’s in there?”

“Look, son, I told you before; I’m not used to this acting lark. And I still don’t get how I’m supposed to get stabbed through the neck without him doing it for real”.

“You let us worry about that. It’s called movie magic. Now go back to the stairwell. We’ll do another take in a minute”.

Fred briefly glanced in my direction and then did he was told, looking extremely uncomfortable in the process. I imagined he was having serious second thoughts about agreeing to play the role.

Ricky meanwhile attended to the gorilla killer’s hand cut. The guy playing him was sandy haired and probably in his mid thirties. He looked a lot less scary without the mask on. He looked a slightly bulkier version of Glynn actually.

“Molly” Ricky called out to the only woman on the scene. “See to this will you? He’s probably gonna need some cream and plasters on these gashes. F__king hellfire. Roll on the day we can hire proper f__king actors for these parts. Jesus wept”.

The director then moved back to the area behind the camera and finally acknowledged my presence.

“That janitor of yours, eh? You’d think a guy his age would be more familiar with slasher flicks. I bet films like Halloween and Psycho were his era”.

“Actually I think you'll probably find Fred’s era was more The Blob and The Thing, and I’m not talking about the remakes. Anyway, whilst I’m here there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you”.

“Yeah?”

“Well it occurred to me the other day, if the gorilla killer died in the first film, how can he be in the sequel? He was clearly impaled with a javelin”.

“Ah-ha” Ricky replied coyly, tapping his nose twice with a finger. “A good question. You’ll have to wait until the film’s releases though to find out. All will be revealed”.

The conversation had to end at that point because Molly had already finished taping the gorilla killer’s hand. Barely thirty seconds later, the stage was cleared, Ricky was behind the camera again, and ginger-nut was back in his cupboard (with his mask on).

“Old Joe’s death scene – take four. Annnnnnd action!”

Snap.

Out came Fred, pitchfork raised. I don’t know if was just me but this time he looked scared even before the noise in the cupboard.

Patone · October 27, 2011

Jesus Christ, I can't believe he's actually marrying Chantelle

Great story as always mate, KUTGW!

ScottleeSV · October 28, 2011

Cheers, Patone!

----------------

18/09/10 - Another trip to Brentford

Last night’s flat move went relatively smoothly. I didn’t take across every last item I own. No point. We’re buying a house soon to coincide with the wedding, a proper one with a garage and a garden and all the trimmings etc. Thus, there’s no sense trying to cramming everything into Chantelle’s relatively small place when I can still use Dilic’s flat for short term storage.

I’m not going to tell Dilic I’ve left until I absolutely have to. It’s not as if I have to pay rent on the place. Dilic stopped charging me immediately after the warehouse incident. I guess it was that night he decided I was his guest rather than his lodger.

My first ever night of living with a woman was a pleasant one. The four of us – me, Chantelle, Luke, and Bambi - ordered pizzas and watched the film version of Alvin and the Chipmonks. Then when Luke finally went to bed, it was adult time. I suppose it doesn’t need to be said what transpired after that. Suffice to say though it was everything I would have hoped for given the symbolism of the occasion.

The honeymoon period (well, the unofficial one) lasted all the way up to about five minutes before I left for London the following morning. It was at this point, having just cooked me a lovely breakfast, Chantelle shared her worry that all her benefits will probably get abolished now that I'm living with her. I suppose it stands to reason she would lose them, living with a guy on almost 100k.

Anyway, what else could I do but tell her not to worry and that I’ll support us all more than adequately as an alternative? This pacified her and her smile returned.

Secretly though, I must admit I didn’t really think about the financial ramifications of moving into Chantelle’s prior to actually doing it. I’m going to have to pay full rent, full bills, food for three people and a dog; the works. Plus spending money for whoever needs it, presumably.

Okay, not too big a deal for a guy on my salary, but still, it feels like I’ve just had my work pay completely sliced in half and then some. Hopefully Chantelle will get a job at some point but I’m not going to raise that subject whilst the reunion paint is still fresh.

Moving swiftly onto today’s game..

This was my fourth trip to Brentford as Luton boss. The previous results had been excellent; a 1-1 draw, a 0-0 draw (let’s forget the pens that followed that one), and a 2-1 win. The one solitary match at Kenilworth Road ended 1-1. Thus, I had a long unbeaten run going against Brentford and I wanted to keep that going.

On all my previous visits to the town I’d never done any tourism, so today I figured it was about time I rectified that. I went to the Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew. Technically this isn’t in Brentford but it just so happens I went to the gardens when I was a kid and I’ve been keen on going back ever since. As Brentford F.C is the closest club to the gardens we’re ever likely to play, today seemed the appropriate time to go.

And it carries on the weekend theme of reunions! Last night I reunited with Luke, my future stepson. Today I reunited with a magical place I hadn’t seen for twenty years. Yes, the Royal Botanic Gardens really are that good. If you’ve never been then make sure you do. They’re amazing even if you’re not normally into that sort of thing. Seriously.

I got a call from Nicky whilst trundling through one of the greenhouses. She’d just completed her first film scene and was very excited about how it had gone. She seems to have ended up with more scenes than the rest of us has the Nickster – about six or seven, I think she said the other day.

Anyway, it was good to hear her voice. It was only when I came off the phone I realised I’d missed a golden opportunity to tell her about the all the Chantelle developments. Not that it would have been fun.

The main news from the team selection side of things today was the inclusion of Richie Byrne as a centre back. I really was that short of other options. Even Gnakpa was out; he’d self-diagnosed the need for a rest. On the positive, I had Keane available again to partner Nicholls in centre midfield.

The two teams ran out to school's out by Alice Cooper. I thought long and hard during the warm-up about what possible connection that song could have to the football, but I couldn't think of anything. Anyway, Brentford were in red and white and we in our orange.

The home side would get us underway.

Ceirdiff · October 29, 2011

It seems like he's forgetting that Bambi's just a dog, lol.

Surely someone on 100k can sustain 3 people though; if the mortgage isn't sky high

Great story as usual.

L3mmonwolves · October 29, 2011

Aww... I knew I'd hit this point eventually but while I was having a fair chunk of my free time consumed for the past three days it was a cracking read. Even before I'd hit the end it'd inspired me to start my own story, although I probably should've written more before posting the start... Might have to resurrect it later when I have tangible amounts of creativity and free time simultaneously. But this is absolutely fantastic stuff and the amount of time you've kept this going is amazing. My hat's off to you!

Have you ever considered writing for a crackpot tabloid in your spare time?

Jon1982 · October 29, 2011

Hey James (Scottlee SV) lol finally made it onto the forums and story looks great. Haven't had time to read it all yet but am assured that all the usual characters, humour and crazy plotlines will be present. Keep up the good work mate....

ScottleeSV · October 29, 2011

Thanks, Ceirdiff. Thanks also to the two newcomers, one of which is my ex-housemate. Well done for finally locating me lol. Lemmonwolves, thanks very much for the kind words. Hope you get that free time soon.

----------------

18/09/10, League Match 6

Brentford v Luton Town

GK – Lars Stubhaug (7 apps, 0 goals)

DL – Charlie Daniels (57 apps, 5 goals)

DR – Michael McKerr (6 apps, 1 goal)

DC – Richie Byrne (45 apps, 1 goal)

DC – Tony James (64 apps, 4 goals)

DMC – Kevin Nicholls (77 apps, 22 goals)

MC – Keith Keane (100 apps, 11 goals)

ML – Glenn Poole (6 apps, 1 goal)

MR – Michael Taylor (45 apps, 3 goals)

FC – Dean Bowditch (39 apps, 19 goals)

FC – Scott Spencer (32 apps, 12 goals)

Being an English club who play exclusively against other English clubs, most of our games are played out in a reasonably fast and furious manner. However there are exceptions to the rule. One of them is when you play the same team on the same ground twice in a short period of time.

If the second of these matches is the most important then the first may well end up being cagey and slow, maybe because both teams don’t want to give too much away ahead of the second match. On the other hand, if both matches are of reasonably equal value, it’s the second match most at risk of the caginess. This is because most teams will treat the first game as they would any other but then start to second guess each other come the second. Still with me?

So then, after that reasonably entertaining game in The Johnstone’s Paint Trophy a week and a half ago, here came probably the worst opening half hour I’ve ever seen at a football match. The key dangers from Luton were clearly very fresh on Brentford’s minds early on, so they held back. Likewise, the Brentford threats were well known to our boys, so we held back (even though I hadn’t told anyone to). It made for a boring contest.

It took until the 21^st minute for the first shot on goal, and when it came it was an aimless shank from Dickson from the edge of the area. It went two yards wide and was watched comfortably all the way by Stubhaug. Brentford’s savage was booked in the 24^th minute and that is seriously all the action from the first thirty minutes covered in full. I haven’t left out a thing.

“Got any of those daft player puns of yours to keep me warm, Brian?”

“Err nothing coming to me at the minute”.

After a constant exchange of bitching between the Brentford players and their dignitaries in the dugout, the home side did finally improve. In fact the chance they had after 34 minutes was a great one. McDonald sprung the offside trap and seemed to have acres of space as he bore down on Stubhaug. The striker fluffed his lines though and side-footed the ball wide.

Almost immediately we conjured an opening of our own. Poole swung in a deep free kick from the left and the ball was headed clear by two adjoined heads wearing red and white. Spencer collected on the edge of the area and volleyed through a crowd of bodies. His shot was so well hidden from the goalkeeper that he didn’t move. Sadly the ball hit the post and went behind. Had it been on target it would have been a certain goal.

The match had suddenly come alive but it was Brentford who seized the initiative from this moment forwards. After 39 minutes Savage swivelled past Keane and darted down the right hand side. His cross dipped towards the boots of Pratt just in front of the penalty spot but the player elected to head rather than kick. Because he had to stoop so low, he only ended up heading it down into the turf and up over the bar.

There was one more close call to survive. McKerr sold Stubhaug short with a back pass and the ever lively Savage almost got there before the keeper did. Stubhaug had no room to kick it properly though and ended up whacking it into Savage and behind for a goal kick. That could easily have gone into the goal.

I was relieved when the half time whistle went because we had definitely started to play worse in that final fifteen. I reckoned a good half time team-talk was very important today.

A strange incident happened as we walked off. One of the Brentford fans was ejected from the ground by two stewards. I was later informed this for racial abuse, which is strange because we didn’t have a single black player in the team today. Who was the guy racially abusing then?

ScottleeSV · October 30, 2011

“So far, not bad” I announced to the dressing room. “But it’s not great either. Familiarity is supposed to breed contempt, not ineptitude. Feel contempt instead. Feel contempt that Brentford even have the cheek to still be trying to beat us when they haven’t managed it in the recent past. We need more adventure out there, more industriousness, so go and do it!”

But things appeared not to be changing at the start of the second half. Brentford were squeezing the play down the middle and not giving us room to breathe. Almost straight from the kick-off Richards won a corner. A loud roar around the ground greeting the awarding of it. The home crowd had evidently decided to buck up their own performance at half time.

Never the less, the corner curled just over everybody and beyond the far post and the score stayed level.

It was at this point our play picked up, not just for the duration of one attack but for most of the rest of the game. But would it be enough to steal Brentford’s dreams for the second time in two weeks? Read on.

Chance number one in the uprising fell to Spencer. What I liked about this was the way Poole showed the intelligence not just to beat a man, but to first identify if there was any alternative on offer to the generic head-high cross. In this instance there was. Poole saw that Spencer was running forwards in an unusually large pocket of space so hammered the ball low towards his feet. Spencer’s control was class, his finish not so. It was a side-foot and Haber was able to go down low to his right and collect.

Chance number two was an El Skip moment. He showed the calm of a skipper to rob Richards in midfield, the calm of a skipper to dummy his way past Bennett towards the edge of the box, and then the shooting skills of err a complete dummy to whack the ball into Row Z just as the away fans were getting excited.

I only made one sub on the hour because we were doing well. On went Kearns for Keane. I decided on Keane as the man to make way because he was only just coming back after a three match absence. Keane didn’t see it that way though and kicked over a bottle of Lucozade on his way off the pitch. Then he stormed straight down the tunnel without speaking to anyone. Brian managed to save a little bit of the Lucozade.

Unperturbed, we stormed on. 66 minutes and golden opportunity for Bowditch. This was a one on one opportunity just like McDonald’s in the first half. What made me smile was the fact it was Kearns who put Bowditch in the clear. What didn’t make me smile was that Bowditch went for the lob and put too much on it. Roof of the net.

Then back came Brentford. Had to happen at some point. A cross from Pratt led to Stubhaug racing out to claim and not getting there. Five or six jumping heads deflected the ball high up in the air and then it was a strain of the eyes to try and analyse where it would fall.

I sensed that for half a second at least players from both sides thought it was dropping onto the roof of the net. But then, when it became patently obvious it would at least hit the crossbar, there was a mad scramble to get there. Many players went for it and the combined effort all round sent the ball tumbling over the line. Goal.

Or not, as it turned out. The ref disallowed it for pushing. A bit harsh that. Amidst the ensuing Brentford protests, Osborne was booked. I’ve got to admit, if that decision had happened to us I would have been spitting feathers. Lucky escape.

I made my second substitution with fifteen minutes left, Dodds going on for Spencer. Then with ten minutes left I risked my third; Niven for Nicholls. The match was sliding away from both teams now.

82 minutes saw some more oohs and aahs from the home fans, as Hills forced Stubhaug to tip over with a half volley. It was swiftly followed by a twenty yard header from Niven that Haber caught comfortably beneath the crossbar.

We were getting close to the point now where the only way we were going to win was by repeating our last ditch heroics in the Johnstone’s Paint. Would lightning strike twice?

No of course not. There was only one more golden opening in the match and it went to the team without a point all season. A corner from the left was headed down by Nelson and the ball dropped to Pratt about six yards out. Easy chance to score but he suffered a rush of blood to the head and whacked it into the stands.

--------

FULL TIME - (att - 4590)

Brentford 0

Luton Town 0

--------

(other results)

Accrington Stanley 3-2 Grays

Aldershot 2-1 Cheltenham

Bournemouth 2-0 Shrewsbury

Chester 1-2 Rochdale

Darlington 5-1 Notts County

Hereford 0-0 Barnet

Lincoln 0-1 Rotherham

Oldham 2-3 Exeter

Walsall 1-0 Torquay

Wycombe 1-0 Chesterfield

Yeovil 0-0 Grimsby

--------

| Pos   | Inf   | Team          |       | Pld   | Won   | Drn   | Lst   | For   | Ag    | G.D.  | Pts   | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 1st   |       | Exeter        |       | 6     | 6     | 0     | 0     | 10    | 4     | +6    | 18    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 2nd   |       | Rotherham     |       | 6     | 4     | 1     | 1     | 6     | 5     | +1    | 13    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 3rd   |       | Grays         |       | 6     | 4     | 0     | 2     | 14    | 8     | +6    | 12    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 4th   |       | Lincoln       |       | 6     | 4     | 0     | 2     | 7     | 3     | +4    | 12    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 5th   |       | Notts County  |       | 6     | 4     | 0     | 2     | 8     | 9     | -1    | 12    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
|[b] 6th   |       | Luton         |       | 6     | 3     | 2     | 1     | 9     | 5     | +4    | 11    | 
[/b]| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 7th   |       | Rochdale      |       | 6     | 3     | 1     | 2     | 9     | 6     | +3    | 10    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 8th   |       | Walsall       |       | 6     | 3     | 1     | 2     | 8     | 5     | +3    | 10    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 9th   |       | Shrewsbury    |       | 6     | 3     | 1     | 2     | 11    | 9     | +2    | 10    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 10th  |       | Aldershot     |       | 6     | 3     | 1     | 2     | 10    | 9     | +1    | 10    | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 11th  |       | Chesterfield  |       | 6     | 2     | 3     | 1     | 10    | 7     | +3    | 9     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 12th  |       | Grimsby       |       | 6     | 2     | 3     | 1     | 7     | 6     | +1    | 9     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 13th  |       | Bournemouth   |       | 6     | 2     | 2     | 2     | 8     | 5     | +3    | 8     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 14th  |       | Cheltenham    |       | 6     | 2     | 2     | 2     | 5     | 4     | +1    | 8     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 15th  |       | Torquay       |       | 6     | 2     | 2     | 2     | 5     | 5     | E     | 8     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 16th  |       | Wycombe       |       | 6     | 2     | 1     | 3     | 5     | 6     | -1    | 7     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 17th  |       | Darlington    |       | 6     | 1     | 3     | 2     | 10    | 9     | +1    | 6     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 18th  |       | Yeovil        |       | 6     | 1     | 3     | 2     | 3     | 4     | -1    | 6     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 19th  |       | Barnet        |       | 6     | 1     | 2     | 3     | 4     | 6     | -2    | 5     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 20th  |       | Hereford      |       | 6     | 1     | 2     | 3     | 5     | 11    | -6    | 5     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 21st  |       | Accrington    |       | 6     | 1     | 1     | 4     | 8     | 12    | -4    | 4     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 22nd  |       | Oldham        |       | 6     | 0     | 2     | 4     | 4     | 10    | -6    | 2     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 23rd  |       | Chester       |       | 6     | 0     | 1     | 3     | 2     | 9     | -7    | 1     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| 
| 24th  |       | Brentford     |       | 6     | 0     | 1     | 5     | 4     | 16    | -12   | 1     | 
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

shaggy61 · October 31, 2011

Hey James (Scottlee SV) lol finally made it onto the forums and story looks great. Haven't had time to read it all yet but am assured that all the usual characters, humour and crazy plotlines will be present. Keep up the good work mate....

So then Scottlee SV which character is Jon1982? Darren or Dilic or Brian or someone else?

Keep it going mate

ScottleeSV · October 31, 2011

Shaggy, none of the characters in the story are directly based on real people, so Jon isn't in it. Did you really, by the way, think I might have once roomied with a middle aged bearded Serbian man? Actually, don't answer that..

----------------

20/09/10 - Now hear this

This morning I made the executive decision to tell all the office staff about my engagement at the same time. Feeling decidedly apprehensive, I got myself a glass of water and sat on the front edge of my desk. Then I cleared my throat.

“Listen up, guys and gals” I began, drawing their attention. “I would like to make the following statement. As of a few weeks ago, exact date unknown, I reunited with my girlfriend Chantelle. Furthermore, just before the weekend we got engaged. The wedding will take place in the first week of December and you’re all invited”.

I’d now finished.

Once everyone had realised I’d finished, there were a few soft murmurings of congratulations. It was all very low key. You’d have thought I’d just told them they were getting laid off or something.

“Thanks very much. Appreciate it. I will now take any questions”.

Darren’s hand shot up. I think he’d been the only person not to mumble his congrats.

“Yes, Darren” I said, pointing.

“Has she put you up to this?”

“Don’t be daft! I’d been planning to propose for weeks. I just wanted to wait until everything was running smoothly again”.

“But you’ve only just got together! How can you get engaged?!”

“Darren, when it feels right, it feels right. Sometimes the moons and the stars align in strange ways”.

“Yeah but – “

“Yes, Brenda” I interrupted, pointing at my secretary’s raised hand. Darren meanwhile shook his head and let his shoulders slump.

“Sorry for not being much of a Facebook regular, but is this the same Chantelle you were going out with before?”

“Err yeah, that one” I confirmed for her.

“The same one you were really critical about when you broke up? That one?”

“Yep. I was probably a bit harsh at the time though. Looking back that is”.

Kindra had her hand up now. I took a sip of water and then pointed at her.

“Yes, Kindra?”

“Whereabouts are you going to hold the wedding?”

“Ah-ha! An excellent question. Tell you the truth, we’re not going to have a church wedding because three months is probably too short notice to make a booking. Neither of us are particularly religious anyway. Once the actual marrying part is over though, the reception and everything else from that point forwards is going to be really classy. We haven’t finalised locations, mind. You’ll have to watch this space”.

A brief silence followed, and I wondered if that would be end of session.

The only person who hadn’t spoken so far was Nicky, and that worried me. I risked a glance in her direction now and saw she was staring into space with no real expression on her face.

'No smile. Is she alright?'

In the meantime, Darren had his hand up again.

“Yes, Darren?”

“You do know that if you go through with this you won’t be able to sleep with any other woman ever again?”

“Oh Darren” - Brenda.

“Yes, Darren, believe it or not I am well aware that marriage is an extremely big commitment for a man and a woman to make with each other. I’m very ready for it though so stop with the fretting”.

Shaking his head again, he let his shoulders slump again and did something with his mouse. Nobody else seemed to have any questions.

“Well” I continued. “If nobody else has any questions, I guess we’ll leave at that. Thanks again for all the kind words of congratulations”.

I suddenly needed a strong coffee. Picking my glass of water up intent on tipping it down the sink, I asked if anyone else wanted a hot drink and then moved to the communal kitchen. As it turned out, everyone put their hand up to indicate they wanted one (including Nicky, albeit without saying anything). I was going to have my hands full.

A strange thing happened just as I flicked the kettle to boil. I felt two arms coil themselves around my chest and squeeze. Looking downwards, I instantly recognised them as belonging to Nicky. The bangles were a giveaway. But more than that, she has beautiful hands and fingernails. I would have made the identification even without being able to see the arms.

“Congratulations” she said in a tone that belied her expression from earlier. “I think you’ll make a brilliant husband”.

Then she let go and stood up by my side.

“Thanks”.

“Want me to help you with the drinks?”

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Nicky”.

“No problem!"

She smiled at me and I smiled back. Then I opened the cupboard door above my head and began to get some mugs out.

'Yeah she's alright. Must have been just me'.

ScottleeSV · November 1, 2011

21/09/10 - Unhappy camper

I spent the first half of today in my private office. But then Ricky knocked on the door and commandeered it for a film scene. No big deal; I didn’t mind moving to the communal office. Not really.

Halfway down the stairs, I bumped into Kindra going the other way.

“Off to the canteen?” I enquired chirpily.

“Actually I was just on my way to find you”.

“Oh?”

“Well, it was Nicky’s birthday on Sunday and it looks like everyone kind of forgot, so I got this card for her this morning and I thought everyone could sign it and then I’ll give it to her.

‘Oh f__k! Her birthday was on Sunday?!’

No wonder she’d looked a little bit off her game yesterday. Her birthday had passed and no-one had noticed! There I’d been bleating on about my engagement, completely self-absorbed, and all that time Nicky had been sat there secretly a year older.

And no-one had noticed.

“Christ, I can’t believe I forgot!” I said, putting an embarrassed hand over my mouth.

“It was Brenda who suddenly realised. Good job she did too. It wasn’t just any old birthday for Nicky on Sunday; it was her twenty first”.

‘Oh God, it's worse than I thought!’

Hastily, I took Kindra’s card and pen and began to scrawl a message on the inside.

The funny thing is, I’d briefly found myself laid in the bath last night re-evaluating Nicky’s facial expression when I’d made my big announcement. I’d started to wonder if maybe, just maybe, she’d felt upset when I’d done it. Obviously I’d been kidding myself; the only thing she’d been upset about was that we’d forgotten her birthday.

Interrupting me from my thoughts were Keith Keane, Michael Taylor, and Louis Dodds, all of whom suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs. Taylor and Dodds walked past us as if we weren’t there. Keane though stopped by my side.

In response, Kindra took the card and pen back and immediately retreated back down the stairwell without saying another word.

Bemused, I looked at Keith. Then over the railings at Kindra. Then back at Keith.

“Is she avoiding you for some reason?” I asked.

“Tried it on with the bitch the other night, didn’t I?”

“You what?!”

“Don’t pretend you don’t already know. I reckon it was you who put her off me”.

“And what gave you that impression?”

“Well – you’re shagging her yourself, aren’t you? – It’s obvious”.

He actually wasn’t joking. There was a really hurt expression on his face.

“And how is it obvious, Keith?”

“Well it’s funny how she was really keen on me until that moment the other day I saw you and her having a word. That’s why you took me off early on Saturday, isn’t it? You were trying to psyche me out, give me a hidden warning like, weren’t you? You want me to stay away so you can keep her for yourself”.

Oh how I sighed.

Truth be told, I didn’t need this s__t right now. I wanted to be thinking about how I was going to rectify the Nicky situation, not be dealing with the delusions of a madman. Still, it was what it was.

“Keith, I assure you I have nothing romantic going on with Kindra”.

“Bollocks! I’m not an idiot, mate. And I bet Kindra's not the only one you've been shagging either. I’ve seen the way you and Katrina smile at each other whenever you pass each other in the canteen. And it suddenly occurred to me the other day just how reluctant you were to help me get back with Nicky that time. I bet you’re doing her too, aren’t you? And I bet when Caroline was still – “

He broke off, not because I punched him (although I would have liked to) but because an almighty cheer sounded out from somewhere above us on the second floor. I recognised what that cheer was. It was the collective racket Ricky and his chums made every time they wrapped a new scene.

“Keith” I said calmly. “I am happily engaged to a woman who doesn’t have anything to do with Luton Town. I have no interest in sleeping with my colleagues”.

“Being engaged means nothing. Plenty of men out there have bits on the side”.

I sighed again, this time putting my hands on my hips and shaking my head as I did. It was seriously like talking to a brick wall. Time for a change of tact.

“Okay, let’s hypothetically pretend for a moment I was guilty of all the charges you lay upon me, what business would it be of yours?”

“Because you should share the women out, not hog them for yourself! There’s other men who work their arses off for this club, not just you”.

“Share them out? What do you mean share them out? They’re not sweets”.

Keith shook his head as if I wasn’t getting him properly. Then he continued.

“Look, I know it’s not the same thing but I’ve seen it in war films. Especially the Vietnam ones. The platoons would go around the villages and if there were women they’d get shared out between the soldiers. It kept morale up”.

“I see. So what you’re saying is, that for purposes of morale building, we should round up all the female office staff, lock them in the home dressing room, and then let you and the lads go in and help yourself?”

“No. Don’t be f__king stupid! Of course I don’t mean that! All I’m saying is, you should let everyone else have an equal chance at getting a run at them, not just hog them for yourself”.

“Keith, you’re out of your f__king mind. I’m done with this. I’m off”.

And with that I strolled off and left him. I'd had enough of Inspector Keane's theories for one day.

“If you’re not sleeping with them, why do you still work in the communal office when you’ve got your own office?!” Keith called down after me.

“Not talking to you, Keith. Bye”.

The next time he spoke it was too muffled by the wall for me to hear.

STFCDP1990 · November 2, 2011

Sell him! He can't disrespect you like that!

gavrenwick · November 2, 2011

I still like Keith Keane.

Mull119 · November 2, 2011

Hi ScottleeSV, I've been a silent reader of your story for a long time and it's about time I spoke to show my appreciation. I have to say that it's not just the best FM story I've read but also one of the most enjoyable stories of any kind that I've read. Your characters are vivid and distinctive, the different story arcs you have show wonderful imagination and there are many times I've laughed out loud at your brilliant writing (not good when I'm supposed to be hard at work in the office!). It's no understatement to say that this could easily be turned into a TV series. Please don't ever stop.

ScottleeSV · November 2, 2011

If only it was that simple, ST (Gav likes him, for one thing).

Mull, thanks very much for the kind words. I really appreciate it. Glad you've enjoyed reading the story.

----------------

22/09/10 - Bigamist

I took a break from work this afternoon to go shopping with Chantelle. The only trouble was; I got completely bored after a while with the ridiculous amount of things she tries on before buying anything. It got particularly bad today so eventually I lied and said I’d promised to pop into the East Side Dojo and say hello to Bear. She said that was fine so I left her in Topshop.

When I got to the dojo, the students were busy kicking and punching a load of giant cardboard pop-ups. Each one had a blown up picture of Brute on it, the same picture Bear had been praying in front of the last time I’d seen him. Because the picture had been expanded unnaturally, it looked really grainy now. You could barely tell it was Brute.

“Skunk!” cried Bear from nearby. “Welcome. And what brings you to our humble dojo today?”

“Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve started doing some physical conditioning at home recently. I’m thinking of playing again – football – and I want to get back into shape. I thought I might come down here for a few sessions and do some extra work here. I want to get an edge”.

“I’m sure we can accommodate you. In the meantime, you will now tell me the real reason for your visit today”.

Bear crossed his arms and flashed me a look of suspicion. I didn’t want to tell him about Chantelle though. He doesn’t approve of western women does Bear. I thought the fitness cover had been a good one. Obviously not.

“What?” I replied incredulously. “I just told you why I’m here”.

“And yet you have come completely unprepared for training. You are dressed in shoes, trousers, shirt, and a tie. Furthermore, you have brought no changing bag".

“Oh! You thought I meant I want to start training today?! No. I only came today to tell you I mean to start probably sometime later in the – “

“Silence! You will tell me the real reason or spend the next twenty four hours chained up in the basement. Lying is frowned upon in the dojo”.

Not at all wanting to up end like those blokes from the Saw film, I saw no alternative at this point but to tell Bear about Chantelle. I told him about the engagement whilst I was at it.

“Interesting” he responded. “Just out of curiosity, what nationality is she?”

“Chinese”.

“Really?! Excellent, Skunk! You know how much I despite those dirty white western sl_ts you see parading around most of this wretched isle. But you are marrying Chinese? Excellent. I can see the time you have spent in our company over the past two years has not gone to waste!”

“Definitely not”.

“Come" he said, wrapping an arm around my back. "Since the subject of marriage has arisen, let me show you some photographs that I hold very dear to me”.

He guided me over to some bags by the side of the room. One of them was obviously his because he rummaged inside it with a distinct air of ownership and found what he was looking for almost straight away. It was a photo album. With relish, he flicked through to the page he wanted and shoved the album in front of my nose.

Carefully I studied what I was looking at. I’d been expecting some pictures of Bear stood outside a pagoda with a Thai girl glued to his arm. Instead I got snapshots of about twelve or thirteen different women, all in different photos. None had Bear in them.

“Which one’s your wife then?” I asked.

“All of them are”.

“Eh?”

“I have twelve wives, Skunk, all from various countries where there are dojos. In our culture, it is perfectly acceptable that a ninja may take many wives. This one here is Nargas, an Indian girl. And this one here is Mali, an Indonesian. And this one over here – “

“Twelve though?!” I blurted out. “And the women are fine with this?!”

“Their opinion is not important. Skunk, in our culture, women are just weak, pathetic creatures. Men rule the roost”.

“Right”.

Awkwardly I craned my neck forwards to further study the photographs, the intention being to look as interested in them as I possibly could. Across the other side of the gym meanwhile, Eagle wailed in agony as a student tried to perform a spin kick to cardboard Brute’s throat only to miss and get Eagle.

“Idiot!” Bear snorted.

His attention diverted, I chose this moment to take my phone out and see what text message I’d received. I’d felt the vibration at roughly the same moment Bear had passed me the photo album.

I’m outside the dojo. I managed 2 find it ok. Are u still in there? Will they mind if I cum in? xx

‘Oh sh_t!’

Quickly I put the album down on top of the bag and headed for the exit.

“Skunk?” Bear called out, detecting my movements.

“Sorry, Bear. Got a situation at the office. Urgent Luton Town business”.

He didn't get the chance to speak again and seconds later I was outside. I only just made it in time. Chantelle had her hand on the door handle clearly having been about to enter. Her shopping bags were spread out around her feet.

“Hey” she said. “I was just about to – “

“Never mind that” I interrupted, helping her pick up the bags. “Let’s head off. Nice and quick now. No slouching”.

“Eh? Why? What’s the rush?”

“Tell you later”.

The bags all scooped up, Chantelle made to cross the road.

“No no” I said, grabbing her arm and redirecting her. “We’ll cross further down. Much further down. Away from the windows”.

"F__ks sake! Fine!"

‘I wonder if it's too late to propose to Kindra instead?'

ScottleeSV · November 3, 2011

23/09/10 - The money drain shop

Early this evening I was back in town again, albeit with Brian instead of Chantelle.

“So how are the wedding preparations going?” he asked, as we strolled down the main high street.

“Jesus, give us a chance why don’t you?! It’s not even been a couple of weeks yet! I’m not having much to do with it anyway. She’s the one with all the time on her hands so I said she can plan it”.

“Do you think that’s wise? What if she aims too big?”

“Doesn’t matter if she does. She still has to run everything by me when it comes to paying. I’ve already vetoed one thing, tell you the truth”.

“What was that?”

“She wanted to have the whole thing in a castle. She was serious too”.

Brian had a good chuckle at that.

Finally, we arrived at our intended destination – H.Samuel. It’s a jewellery store, and no prizes for guessing what we were doing there.

It was quiet inside. No other customers. A sexy young thing dressed like an airline hostess immediately clocked us and came to ask if she could help. The only other person in the store was a stocky bloke behind the counter at the far end.

“Evening, gentleman. My name’s Cindy. Can I help you?”

“Yeah. I’m here to buy an engagement ring”.

“Certainly. If you’d like to step this way I’ll show you what we have”.

She gestured towards a display case near the wall. I wasn’t having any of that though.

“Nah that’s okay” I said, moving instead towards the bloke at the till. “Just bring me over the most expensive one you’ve got. I’m in a rush”.

“Err okay”.

As she then moved off to the display case alone, a gobsmacked Brian finally got his feet in gear and caught up with me.

“Oi! What’s your game?!” he asked in a loud whisper.

“Brian, the quicker we get done here, the longer we can spend in the pub. Chantelle’s gonna have tea ready in about an hour. We haven’t got long. And besides, this is only something I plan on doing once. No harm splashing out a bit”.

“Yeah but – “

He broke off because Cindy had just appeared again next to stocky bloke behind the counter. Before showing me the ring, Cindy flashed her colleague a grin that clearly said – thanks to me we’re gonna be closing early today.

“Here is the ring you asked for, sir” she then said, handing it over. “Eighteen carats – white gold number one – forever diamonds ring”.

Naff name, but great ring. It was thin, silver, and had a little square diamond bit as its centrepiece. Yep, this was the ticket.

“I’ll take it”.

“An excellent choice, sir” said stocky bloke, speaking for the first time. “That will be seven thousand nine hundred and ninety nine pounds ninety nine pence”.

“HOW MUCH?!”

To the left of me, Brian couldn’t help sniggering. Cindy and stocky bloke did no such thing. They looked like they might be getting that sinking feeling.

“I’m sorry, sir, but you said for me to get you the most expensive we had”.

“Yeah well I didn’t mean that expensive obviously”.

“What sort of budget are you looking at then?”

“Maybe half that. Let’s call it four thousand”.

Cindy hurried off to get something else. What she came back with looked almost the same as the previous ring, the only difference being that the centrepiece was shaped slightly differently.

“Eighteen carats – white gold number one – carat diamond ring”.

“Isn’t that the same gobbledygook you said before?”

“A lot of our wares do have similar descriptions, you’re right. This one however is a penny under four thousand, thus fitting your budget”.

I told her I’d take it so stocky bloke went off to get a box for it. As he was doing that, Cindy took my bank card. Unfortunately, it was then she remembered that just before we’d come in they’d packed away their card scanning equipment for the day. As such, Cindy was also forced to disappear from view through the hanging beads at the back. No shop worth its salt is complete without some hanging beads on the door leading to the backrooms, is it?

Whilst we waited, Brian checked his phone whereas I had a quick flick through one of the store’s pamphlets. It was one of those that’s the size and shape of a pizza menu; the type you’re allowed to take away with you to study in your own time.

An idea came to me whilst I studied the pamphlet. It grew so quickly inside my head that even before Cindy and stocky bloke came back I just knew I had to act upon it.

“Brian” I said, closing the pamphlet. “Whilst I’m getting done here, why don’t you nip into that pub across the street and get the first round in? We’re running out of time here”.

“Yeah, okay then” he said gloomily, turning to depart.

Barely was he out through the door when Cindy and stocky bloke finally returned.

“Listen, just before I pay, I’m thinking about getting a bracelet too. Can you show me where you keep them?”

Looking like she might just have an orgasm at these words, Cindy jumped out from behind the counter before stocky bloke could and took the lead.

“If you don’t me saying, sir, your wife-to-be is a very lucky woman”.

“Err – yeah”.

ScottleeSV · November 4, 2011

24/09/10 - Give us an L

Call me cruel, but I was really enjoying Kindra’s current phone call.

“Yes, we are taking bookings for the Bournemouth game – I said we ARE taking bookings for the Bournemouth game – how about if I speak a bit more slowly? – sorry? – No, I can assure you sir you have not come through to an Indian call centre. I work at Kenilworth Road – No I can’t name any of our players, but that doesn’t mean I don’t work here – No I can’t put you onto an English person – Well fine! Don’t go to the soddin' game then!”

Darren and I laughed heartily. Brenda just shook her head. Nicky wasn’t in.

“Some people!" Kindra grinned, thankfully seeing the funny side.

“What cracks me up is that someone would actually think a club the size of Luton would open a call centre in Delhi” - Darren.

“I know!”

“Next time you get a call like that, just tell them your family owns Singhs newsagents” I suggested. "That will prove to them you know the area".

“Yeah not a bad idea”.

Just then a knock on the door sounded and Glynn stuck his head around it.

“Err James, can I see you in Bob’s office for a moment?”

“Yeah, fine”.

Begrudgingly I got out of my chair and followed Glynn from the room. Thirty seconds later and he had me where he wanted, sat in front of Bob’s desk with him and Bob sat more or less behind it. An old fashioned TV and video player sat atop a stand just aside of the desk. They looked ominously as if they were about to be used.

“Morning, Bob”.

“Morning, James”.

“So what can I do for you guys?”

“We’ve got an idea about home games” said Glynn.

“Go on then. Knock me for six with it”.

“Well, instead of me tell you, why don’t I just show you instead?”

Glynn got out of his seat now and turned the TV on. Then he pressed play on the video recorder. What came on was what looked like some kind of gardening show. An old guy in dungarees was busy digging up a patch of soil.

“Sorry. Forgot to rewind it”.

So Glynn clicked the rewind button, at which point Dungarees guy began digging backwards at about a million miles per hour behind several rows of static.

Then he began talking to the camera backwards behind several rows of static.

Then he began fiddling with a bee hive. Backwards. Behind static.

“Glynn, it’ll probably go quicker if you stop it first and then rewind it”.

“Oh yeah” he conceded, making to do just that.

“Ever thought of - you know – getting a DVD player – joining the modern world?”

“Funnily enough I did email Erica about that a while ago” Bob indicated.

“And?”

“She didn’t email back”.

Eventually, after about a minute of watching a black screen, the tape finally arrived at its start point and we were ready for the off.

On came an American Football game. I don’t mean Major League Soccer; I mean an actual American football game, the type they play with a rugby ball and have about a million stoppages so the crowd can fetch more beers and hotdogs.

Just as I was feeling something sarcastic forming in the back of my throat, something along the lines of – you want us to changes codes, Glynn?, I realised that it wasn’t an actual game of American football that was showing. No, it was a feature about the cheerleaders that do their thing just before a game of American football. There were about twelve cheerleaders in total (just enough of them then, potentially, to satisfy one East Side dojo member for a lifetime). Like cheerleaders do, they were jumping around like maniacs and waving their pom-poms.

‘If Nicky had been born American, she would have made a good cheerleader I reckon’.

“Sorry there’s no sound to go with the pictures” Glynn announced. “Sound must be bust on the player. But anyway, what do you think?”

“Let me guess; you want to start having cheerleaders at Luton games?”

“Bing! Got it in one! So what do you think?”

“Well, I suppose it can’t do any harm. Where are you going to find them from though? I doubt there are many troupes of twenty year old cheerleaders around these parts”.

“You’re right. But with the right cajoling I’m sure there are plenty of college and university girls out there willing to take it up for a bit of extra pizza money. I’m going to look into it”.

“You do that”.

Glynn turned the tape off and went back to his seat. Bob meanwhile refilled his wine glass and took a little sniff.

“Well, if that’s all gentlemen I shall take my leave”.

“Okay. Cheerio, James”.

“Bye, James”.

Rising to my feet, I headed to the door. Just I got there I heard a muffle from behind me. It was quite a loud muffle, almost as if the person doing the muffling wanted me to hear them doing it.

“You can take the gorilla masks off” I said, not looking back. “I’m not falling for it a second time”.

Then I walked out.

CecMcCormack · November 5, 2011

Good stuff Scott!!

Funnily enough, we have cheerleaders every now and then at Barnsley home games. Kind of helps to take your mind off the fact you're watching Barnsley! ;-)

KUTGW marte!

ScottleeSV · November 6, 2011

Cheers Cesc

----------------

24/09/10 - Dark waters

This being Friday, it seemed the appropriate night to give Chantelle the engagement ring. I figured we could then go out for some celebration drinks (some more drinks, in my case) and make a nice evening of it.

When I got home from the pub though she wasn’t in. Neither was Luke.

‘Oh of course. He was going to his mate’s house after tea today. She will have set off to pick him up’.

Not to worry. This gave me the chance to have a nice, relaxing, soaking bath. Taking my coat off and hanging it up, I went upstairs and turned the taps on. I also put some bubble bath in. Then I went in the bedroom and stripped off. Bambi was up here so I gave her a quick pat.

Five minutes later and I was slumped under the water. Bliss.

When my housemates finally did return, Chantelle came straight up the stairs once she figured out where I was. I don’t lock the door when I’m bathing or showering so she was able to trundle straight in.

“Go in the bedroom and look in my wardrobe” I told her, once she’d said hello and kissed me.

“What for?”

“Then look for the unusually square-shaped sock beneath the blue jumper”.

She paused, turning this information over in her head. Then she dashed off without another word. When she came back she had the box with the ring in it. Judging by the way she was holding it, you’d have thought she was clutching an injured sparrow. Or the holy grail.

Briefly taking an excited look at me, she leaned back against the sink and flipped the lid up.

“Oh my god!”

“Like it?”

“It’s amazing!”

“I’m glad you like it”.

For a few more moments she stood there looking at it, eyes utterly transfixed. Then she slipped it on her finger and looked at it some more with her hand outstretched in front of her. Her smile was wider than I think I’ve ever previously seen it. Seriously.

“Aw thanks babe” she followed up with, crouching down to kiss me again.

She also dropped her hand through the bubbles between my legs.

“Ahem” I said quickly, straightening my back. “Luke’s coming up the stairs”.

“I’m going to update my Facebook” she said with a grin, opening the door. “It's your turn to cook isn't it?”

“Yeah. Gonna be a late one tonight by the looks of it".

“That's fine”.

And off she went. No doubt she’d be glued to the computer screen downstairs for at least the next hour. In the meantime, Luke popped his head around the bathroom door.

“Hey, sport” I said by greeting. “Do you need the loo?”

“Yeah”.

“Number one or a number two?”

“One”.

“In that case, come on in. I don’t mind”.

Cagily, he did just that. As he peed we said nothing to each other. But once he was done he paused uncomfortably halfway between the toilet and the door. I sensed he wanted to say something else but was waiting for the sound of the toilet flushing to finish.

“Err, mum said to ask you if err – if err – you’ll take me to Chelsea again”.

“Why?” I grinned. “You want to see the flower show?”

Luke didn’t grin back.

‘F__king kids’.

“Oh you mean the football ground?” I then enquired.

“Yeah”.

“Luton are at home tomorrow. You know, with me having just moved in, I personally think this would be the perfect moment for you to amend the error of your glory supporting ways and start coming to Kenilworth Road. What do you think?”

“Nah”.

Shaking my head, I took my eyes off him and rubbed some shower gel up and down my leg.

“Look” I then told him. “I tell you what, I’ll take you to a Chelsea game but it might not be for a few weeks, yeah? We’ve got a busy schedule coming up”.

“Marcus said he’d get me a Chelsea season ticket”.

“Did he now? Well, it's a shame Marcus isn’t around anymore then isn’t it?”

I hadn’t been trying to be nasty or anything but as soon as I said this, Luke left the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Then, a couple of seconds later, the light went off and I was shrouded in darkness! The little git had only gone and turned the light switch off from outside the room!

“Hey! Come back here! - Hey! - Are you there? - That's not funny, Luke. - Luke? - Luke? - Chantelle!"

ScottleeSV · November 6, 2011

25/09/10, League Match 7

Luton Town v Accrington Stanley

GK – Lars Stubhaug (8 apps, 0 goals)

DL – Charlie Daniels (58 apps, 5 goals)

DR – Claude Gnakpa (111 apps, 3 goals)

DC – Tony James (65 apps, 4 goals)

DC – Michael McKerr (7 apps, 1 goal)

DMC – Kevin Nicholls (78 apps, 22 goals)

MC – Keith Keane (101 apps, 11 goals)

ML – Glenn Poole (7 apps, 1 goal)

MR - Michael Taylor (46 apps, 3 goals)

FC – Dean Bowditch (40 apps, 19 goals)

FC – Louis Dodds (6 apps, 0 goals)

It was 6^th against 21^st today in what was a great chance to make our good start to the season even better. I only made two changes to the team that drew at Brentford. Dodds came in for Spencer and Gnakpa for Byrne.

We’d met Accrington twice before, both during that ill-fated relegation season of two years ago. The first game was a 1-1 draw at The Crown Ground, the second a 2-2 draw at Kenilworth Road. That home one was particularly painful because we threw away a two goal lead.

To the sound of Will You Still Love Me by The Shirelles, Luton ran out today in orange and Accrington a strange looking grey kit. Each to their own, I suppose.

In the opening moments, the away side created the first chance through Proctor. The forward received a pass in central before shimmying first past Nicholls (not an easy thing to do) and then McKerr. Both movements took him further and further wide, but Proctor then almost surprised Stubhaug with a reverse hit on his right foot. The ball flew hard and just over the crossbar.

After that though, we well and truly put our foot on the gas. Nicholls seemed angry to have been made to look a fool in the first minute, and immediately began soaking up every single thrust by the Accrington midfield. In the 8^th minute his perfectly weighted through ball set Dodds in on goal. The striker looked up once, then down at the ball, then ballooned over the top.

‘I’m seriously going to have to get my boots on soon. We can’t keep relying just on Bowditch’.

That irony of me thinking THAT is because Bowditch went off injured in the 20^th minute. He had to be helped off by two team-mates too. He did something to his ankle out there and will be scanned on Monday. Anyway, staying in the game, Buckley went on in Bowditch’s stead. Not good.

The upheaval didn’t affect our dominance, even though we hadn’t created that many openings to this point. 25 minutes and Nicholls almost took goalkeeper Arthur’s hands off with a rasping drive. The ball actually fell behind Arthur after the save, confusing him. Just in time he regained his bearings before Spencer could slide in for the steal.

Next chance was manufactured by Poole. The winger raced down the left before rifling in a sumptuous low diagonal cross. Bowditch was on hand between two defenders to tap home but the linesman ruled it out for offside. Damn those pesky linesmen!

Two minutes later, Price of Accrington became the first player to be booked. Didn’t really deserve its own paragraph this one did it?

In the 36^th minute we finally got the goal we deserved. Guess who got it? That’s right - Buckley. Also having a major hand in it was Taylor. The two combined several times down the right before Buckley broke off left to try and get in the area for the cross. Taylor gambled that Buckley was thinking near post and the gamble paid off. Buckley swung a right foot at the incoming delivery and swiped the ball high into the net at close range.

I was enjoying this. It felt like a nice comfortable afternoon of minimal danger. I really wasn’t impressed, or scared, by what Accrington had to offer. It didn’t feel like anything like the same team that had bounced back from two down all that time ago.

Two minutes after the goal James clipped a header straight at Arthur from a corner. Then Nicholls again was in the heat of the action, shoulder barging his way past three grey shirts before hammering into the stands. We really were witnessing a powerhouse performance from El Skip.

Final chance of the half went to...

Yeah you guessed it! Luton! Keane wiggled through a gap down the left channel before feinting and sending Poole away. Poole crossed too high for the strikers but Taylor was on hand at the back stick to volley back across goal. The ball deflected out off Sinott’s leg into the path of Nicholls. The main man kept it down this time, relatively speaking, just not quite down enough. The ball hit the bar and deflected over.

Still, good half. Good half.

ScottleeSV · November 6, 2011

“There really is nothing I can say right now other than to keep doing what you’re doing! That’s right; I want you to play exactly the same way in the second half as you did in the first. Oh, there is a chance Accrington might change tactics though so keep an eye on me just in case I want to change things. So what I’m saying is – play the same way as you did in the first half, but also keep your eyes on me. So that means almost play the same way but not quite. It's basically the same way though just slightly different. Got it?"

The teams ran out in the second half to We’re Luton. Obviously the DJ is starting to get as excited by our early season success as I am.

Much to their folly, Accrington didn’t change tactics at half time. In the 47^th minute Keane received a pass from Nicholls and went on a short run forwards. He played a low ball into Buckley who controlled it whilst trying to fend off the attentions of two defenders. It didn’t work and the ball strayed loose again – back out to Keane.

The Irishman smacked it from the edge of the area and the ball took a wicked deflection. It had started bound for the bottom left hand corner but ended up looping itself down the middle and over the goalkeeper (who had already left the station). Definitely Keane’s goal though. No doubt it had been going in anyway. Keane was certainly in no doubt. I know this because he did his Tardelli impression again.

"We should get a picture of Keane doing his Tardelli and put it on a mug. Might be a good little earner for Cyril and the gang".

"Yeah".

With the away side’s half time team-talk clearly having been thrown into turmoil, we pushed forward for the kill. We almost got it too. Charlie Daniels curled a left footed free kick beautifully over the wall and only just wide. The ball even clipped the side netting on its way behind.

I made my second substitution just past the hour mark, Dodds going off and Spencer going on. Dodds’ days as a Luton player are seriously numbered now. He hadn’t even looked like scoring today.

Still we attacked. In the 64^th minute Poole curled a cross in and Buckley practically ended up chesting the ball down towards the corner of the net. Just wide. Then in the 66^th, Charlie Daniels went on a dribble all the way from his left back position and belted one wide from thirty yards. It was all Luton.

Finally, with twenty minutes to go, the away side mustered another shot. It wasn’t a bad one actually. In fact it came at the end of probably the most patient build-up of the entire match. After any number of short passes, Mulligan took aim and fired from a central position about twenty five yards out. The ball was hit well but went straight down Stubhaug’s throat.

Not long afterwards I made my final substitution, Byrne going on for Daniels. Nothing tactical about this. Accrington also made a couple of subs, and I reckoned there wasn’t much that was tactical about those too. Ready for the bus home now were Accrington.

By my watch there were 77 minutes on the clock when Spencer rattled the woodwork. An almighty scramble along the line of the penalty spot resulted in Cavanagh fluffing the best chance to clear it out of everyone in grey. Spencer almost took full advantage but hit the post. He’s had no luck at all in front of goal recently has Spencer. Dodds doesn’t score because he’s s__t, but with Spencer it’s just a case of being on a bad run. I know that now.

With two minutes to go Accrington scored a goal their play didn’t really deserve. It came from a mistake. James tried to find McKerr across the backline but left his pass short and Larkin nipped in. The linesman was just putting up his board to signal four minutes of injury time as Larkin slotted past Stubhaug to make to two-one.

Those aforementioned four minutes were very dicey for us, even if the visitors didn’t create another scoring opportunity. What they did do however was that thing where teams persistently start lofting the ball high towards the edge of the area. It was nervous viewing, and not once did Stubhaug get the chance to slow things down with a goal kick.

Still, we made it in the end. A deserved victory if you ask me.

--------

FULL TIME (att - 6147)

Luton Town 2 (Buckley 36, Keane 47)

Accrington Stanley 1 (Larkin 89)

--------

(other results)

Barnet 2-1 Chester

Chesterfield 1-0 Aldershot

Darlington 1-0 Lincoln

Exeter 0-0 Wycombe

Grays 1-2 Bournemouth

Grimsby 0-0 Walsall

Notts County 3-1 Hereford

Rochdale 2-1 Brentford

Shrewsbury 0-1 Yeovil

Torquay 3-2 Oldham

--------

(top of table)

1 - Exeter (19)

2 - Notts County (15)

3 - Luton (14)

----------------

4 - Rochdale (13)

5 - Rotherham (13)

6 - Grays (12)

7 - Chesterfield (12)

----------------

8 - Lincoln (12)

ScottleeSV · November 7, 2011

27/09/10 - Cornershop girl made good

The trailer begins with a cop banging a suspect’s head against the wall of an interrogation room.

‘He was the cop nobody wanted to work with’ says the narrator.

“I swear to God, Haynes” says an overweight police chief in a different scene, standing in front of the cop from before. “One more screw-up outta you, and I’ll have your badge! Ya hear me?!”

‘And now he’s about to get partnered with the other cop in the precinct nobody wants to work with’.

“Quite frankly, Gill” says the same fat chief, this time to another good looking young cop. “Pulling a stunt like that, you’re lucky I’m not putting you on traffic duty!”

The scene switches to the inside of a police car. Haynes and Gill are riding along together.

“Just so you know, I don’t wanna work with you”.

“Yeah well I don’t wanna work with you either, buddy. So ain’t we both content!”

‘They must work together – to stop one of the most vicious crime syndicates L.A has ever seen’.

Now we see twenty or so criminals crowded around a table inside a warehouse. About a hundred bags of cocaine are piled up on the table. A scarred Latino man in a cheap blue suit dips his finger into one of the bags and tastes the contents.

“It’s good” he says. “One hundred percent Columbian. Thanks, fellas".

His scumbag buddies then open fire with machine guns and kill all the men on the other side of the table.

‘They say two wrongs don’t make a right’.

In a different scene now, Gill dives under the claw of a crane and shoots the driver. A second bad guy pops up from behind a nearby oil barrel, about to shoot Gil, but Haynes takes him out first.

“Maybe you’re not such an asshole after all?” Gill grins, putting his gun back in its holster.

‘But this autumn – ‘

Now Gill is driving the police car whilst Haynes and a bad guy simultaneously wrestle with each other up on the roof.

‘- Josh Duhamel and Brad Painter will find out – ‘

Now they're shown jumping in slow motion onto the top of a train whilst handcuffed to each other.

‘- whether two bad cops make a GOOD partnership’.

Now the scenes are being pasted together so quickly it’s impossible to take stock of them. Eventually the screen cuts to black for the title reveal.

‘BAD COP BAD COP (rating - 12)’

Then we see a bunch of tiny credits, together with the hint that if you visit www.badcopbadcop.com, you can find out more about the film.

--------

“What a steaming pile of dung” I said.

“Well I think it looks good” Luke squeaked.

“Yeah well you like Chelsea. Your taste is suspect in general”.

“Sorry darling” Chantelle told him. “Gotta agree with James on this one. About the film anyway".

Just as Luke opened his mouth to protest, my mobile went off. The caller I.D said Bob Wharton. Excusing myself from the living room, I got up and went into the kitchen. What could Bob possibly want at seven in the evening? What was he still doing at work, come to think of it?

“I need to talk to you about Kindra” he said, once the greetings had been taken care of.

“Go on”.

“Well, I think it’ll be easier if I just let Ricky explain. He’s here with me in my office. Oh, just before I put him on the phone, let me just say that both Erica and myself approve of what he’s asking”.

“Okay, put him on then”.

A pause ensued as Bob handed the phone over at the other end. Then Ricky said hello and I said hello back. Then he asked me how I was and I said I was fine. I didn’t ask how he was back.

“Where the hell did you get that Kindra from?!” the director then exclaimed in an excited tone.

“Come again?”

“She’s amazing! As an actress, I mean. We did a couple of scenes with her earlier this evening. Man, she blew us all completely away. The girl’s a natural!”

“Yeah she does amateur theatre in her spare time. She’s probably had a lot of practice”.

“Yeah well the girl’s immense. And I mean really immense. Listen, no way in hell am I having her play a sh_te role like the one she’s got at the moment, man. No f__king way. Listen, I’m promoting Kindra to the main part. I want her to carry the movie”.

Something about that didn’t quite add up.

“How can you do that? Surely you already cast the main role long before today?”

“We did. Remember Rebecca Sadler? From the original? Well she had agreed to reprise her role as the heroine from the first film, but yesterday she pulled out. Her agent called up to say she’s agreed to star in some six part period drama instead. Can you believe that? I mean can you f__king well believe it?!”

“No, Ricky. I can’t. Clearly the Death Count sequel was the better career move”.

“Exactly. Exactly! Anyway, Rebecca’s out and Kindra’s in. Funnily enough, it could work to our advantage. I never was comfortable with asking the audience to buy the idea Rebecca’s character would just happen to be at the scene of both massacres two counties apart”.

“Yeah I can see how they might have had a problem with that, now that you mention it”.

Very soon Ricky put Bob back on the phone and we discussed the impact this would have on Kindra’s day job. Provisionally, we agreed that the other staff members should attempt to cover her duties with overtime. The shoot is only due to last another month or so anyway. He’s not mucking about is Ricky. Not with the budget constraints he's got.

By the time I got back to the living room, Luke had gone up to bed. The pair of them though had clearly been listening in on my conversation for at least a little while.

“Luke asked me to ask you if you can get him a role in that film” Chantelle informed me.

“Let me guess – when Marcus was still here he told Luke he knows Spielburg, and that he was gonna get him into the next Spy Kids film?”

“What?!”

“Doesn’t matter. Forget it”.

ScottleeSV · November 8, 2011

28/09/10 - Happy belated 21st

Just as Brenda had indicated, Nicky was alone in the canteen. I’d been waiting for an opportunity like this for ages (well, it felt like ages).

Closing the door behind me, I went inside and sat opposite her. She was at her favourite seat by the window, reading some sort of women’s magazine. Also on the table was a saucer with crumbs on it and a half finished beaker of orange juice.

“Hey”.

“Hiya”.

“How you doing?”

“Not bad. You?”

“Yeah. Not bad. What you reading?”

“It’s an article. It’s about this woman who had to deliver her friend’s baby in the toilets at Morrisons”.

“Ouch. Did it work out okay?”

“Yeah. Thankfully”.

Up to this point I’d had my coat folded over one arm. I put it on the seat next to me now and casually unzipped the side pocket without Nicky’s seeing. There was something in there I wanted to give to her. I just wasn’t sure how to go about it. I was feeling my way into the conversation at the moment. Just – feeling my way.

“Listen, Nicky, do you remember the other day when Kindra gave you that birthday card from us all?”

“Yeah it was really nice that”.

“Yeah, well, I also got you a present. I just didn’t get around to giving it to you yet. I thought I’d give it you now, just so long as you don’t mind getting it so late”.

“A present from everyone?”

“Actually - it’s just from me”.

Before I could elaborate, footsteps sounded out from the corridor outside and for a horrible moment I thought someone was going to walk in. Luckily, whoever it was carried on past the canteen towards the stairwell. Giving Nicky her present was going to be hard enough as it was, without having a third party plonking themselves down nearby.

“Like I was saying, it’s just from me. I got you a present because, well, it’s your twenty first for one thing. Friends should make an extra special effort for friends whenever they have a special birthday. More than that though; you’ve had a difficult few months. The Caroline thing was – well it was hard. Very hard. And because of that - I’ve got something nice for you. I’d rather you remembered this birthday for something nice rather than because of everything that’s happened”.

Throughout all this, Nicky stared neutrally at her beaker, only occasionally meeting my eyes. She was doing her poker-face thing again.

“Thanks!” she eventually said though, once she knew I wasn’t going to say anything else. “You didn’t have to but I appreciate it”.

“Cool”.

Sighing nervously I reached with my left hand into the coat pocket. My insides were turning somersaults (had been ever since I left the jewellers, to be honest). I felt really nervous. On edge. To tell you the truth, if I could have rewound to a point ten minutes ago so I didn’t have to do this, I would have gladly done it. Giving Nicky this present was too much hassle, I decided. It wasn’t worth the stress.

But I was past the point of no return now, sadly. I’d started so I had to finish.

When Nicky saw me lift the small velvet box onto the table, her mouth opened like a codfish and she began switching her glance between me and the box several times over really rapidly.

“I’m sorry if you think it’s too much – but – well – like I said – you’re only twenty one once”.

“What is it?”

“Open and see”.

So Nicky did open it. She opened it so slowly she almost looked like she was opening a miniature treasure chest. I suppose in a way that’s exactly what it was; a chest containing hidden treasure. In this instance the booty was a silver bracelet. Well, most of it was bracelet. About an inch of it was chain.

“Oh my god!” she said, covering her mouth. “It’s amazing”.

“I’m sorry if you think it’s too much. I had good intentions though! I guess I might have got a little bit carried – “

“No no, I love it!”

Carefully she took it out of the box and examined it.

“I just had this stupid idea that from now on, every time you find yourself looking back at all the bad things that happened in the summer, you can then quickly look at the bracelet and be reminded that at least one good thing happened too. It’s a bit of a stupid idea really. In fact it doesn’t totally make sense, but at the time I thought of it – “

“You don’t have to keep explaining! I love it”.

“Okay”.

I’d envisaged prior to today that, were Nicky to actually wear the damn thing, she’d slip it in the middle of all her other accessories of a bracelet nature (which she generally keeps exclusively to her left arm). That way, people would be less likely to spot the standout item and ask where she got it from. Nicky though elected to put the new bracelet on her right arm where it would be completely isolated.

After I’d watched her set it in place, I glanced up at her face again and saw she had a tear in her eye. Two tears actually. With a stray finger she tried to wipe them away.

“Sorry” she said. “I just didn’t expect something this nice to happen to me today. It probably sounds daft but I was feeling a bit fed up before you came in. I’ve been eating with lunch with Kindra a lot recently but now she’s got her new film part she probably won’t be joining me as much”.

“The film will be over in a month” I replied softly.

“Yeah I know”.

We sat in silence a few moments longer, Nicky further studying the new addition to her right arm, and me just studying Nicky. Then I picked up my coat and headed to the door.

“If it makes you feel any better" I began as my parting comment. "If I was the director, I would have given the role to you”.

“Why? I can’t act”.

“Funnily enough though, Nicky, that’s part of the reason why I like you”.

I smiled and she smiled back. Then I finally walked out.

ScottleeSV · November 9, 2011

29/09/10 - Baby steps

The training sessions myself and Brian take are split into three phases. The other coaches might do things differently but this is how me and Brian do it..

Phase one is physical. The players do a few laps around the pitch and then some light stretches.

Phase two is called randomness. This is because phase two can literally be anything. It all depends on what I personally think needs brushing up on. We might practice penalties, for example, or our defending from corners, or how we’re set up from a goal kick. Dozens of possibilities.

The third and final phase is matchplay. This is where we finish with a quick game. Two nominated captains pick sides and away we go.

Today I joined in with phase one. Nothing new there. I regularly jog with the players and join in with the stretches etc.

I also joined in with phase two. Again; nothing new there either.

But one thing I absolutely never do is join in with phase three. Well, at until today that is.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked, seeing me put a bib on.

“Brian, we discussed this, remember? I want to see what I can do. I want to play”.

“Right” he muttered, but looking unsure.

By now the players were all slowly starting to notice the bib too. Group by group they all stopped with their private conversations and looked my way.

“You playing with us, boss?” Nicholls asked.

“Yep. I’m joining in. The doc has given the okay so I’m going to see how it goes. I might even make myself available for selection if all goes well”.

Nobody protested against this. I guess they were all too curious to see how I’d actually get on. And if it turned out I was way out of my depth, much more fun for them to see me fall on my arse rather than persuade me out of it before a ball was kicked.

Predictably I was the last to be picked for a team, but that was to be expected. Who wants a man who could potentially hobble off after a couple of minutes and leave his side a man shy? Not captains Nicholls or Keane that was for sure.

As it turned out, I was on Kevin’s team. As I walked over to join them, I could see Keith eyeing my curiously. I reckoned privately he was absolutely licking his chops at the thought of getting stuck into me. We would see.

The game was nine a side today. Brian blew his whistle from the sidelines and away we went. I didn’t see the ball for the first two minutes, electing as I did to start out wide and then gradually get more involved the more my confidence rose. When I did receive my first pass, I released quickly, slipping one into compatriot Derek Niven. Nice and easy.

Before long, the moment I knew was going to happen, happened. After collecting a knock down on halfway, I spun on the ball and looked up. Out the corner of my eye though I was distracted by the sight of Keith scampering in on my blind side. This was it. This was the moment he was going to put me in my place, remind me who was player and who was manager. So predictable.

At the last second, just as I probably about to get retired for good, I pulled on old trick. I quickly twisted side-on before slicing down on the ball so it arched up over Keane’s incoming boot(s). In the blink of an eye I was gone. And Keith was left eating dust.

A few ooh cries came from some of the players, and then the game continued. I carried the ball another ten yards before crossing an inch beyond Bowditch’s head at the far post.

From that point onwards Keith treated me with far more respect. But by then it didn’t matter. That earlier moment with the spin and slice had given me the confidence I needed to play my full game. Switching between the left wing and central midfield throughout, I chased, I harried, I dribbled, I contributed, I got back, I got involved, I shimmied, I dummied, I ran, and I ran some more. It was just like the old days.

“Good stuff that” Brian smiled, passing me a water bottle after it was over.

“Yeah it was okay”.

“Hey boss” Michael Taylor called out. “Are you going to pick yourself then?”

“Okay, listen up” I shouted to everyone.

Most of them had already begun to walk off to the changing rooms so I needed to repeat myself three or four times. Eventually, though, they all turned to hear what I had to say.

“Michael’s just asked me if I intend to pick myself. The answer is no. Not for the time being anyway. But consider this; I really don’t think we’re going to find any other decent players to bulk out the squad between now and January, so consider me your new competition, especially in those forward positions. Stay fit and stay in form, and I won’t need to replace you. That’s all”.

A few people murmured (mostly in approval), and then turned around to head off again. Brian meanwhile allowed himself a little chuckle.

“I might bring my boots myself next time. I wasn’t a bad little keeper once. Back at school anyway. What do you reckon? I could give it a go, have a few training se – “

“No”.

“Yeah okay”.

Patone · November 10, 2011

Amazing stuff, especially the Nicky part

KUTGW mate!

ScottleeSV · November 10, 2011

Thanks, Patone

--------

September 2010 round-up of the other divisions

--------

Premiership

Top – Liverpool (16), Man Utd (16), Newcastle (13), Arsenal (13), Man City (11), Chelsea (11), Tottenham (10), Aston Villa (10)

Bottom – West Brom (5), Ipswich (5), QPR (5), Fulham (3), Sunderland (3), Blackburn (1)

Merseyside’s finest have held onto a share of the lead but Man City have dropped back into the pack. Other than that, there’s very little else of note in these early stages up top. Torres and Owen are tied at the top of the goal scorer charts with six strikes apiece. Both play for Liverpool.

In the bottom half, QPR and West Ham have both recovered from their 'pointless' August. Blackburn however have slid to the bottom and must surely be favourites for the drop. Sunderland have also been wretched so far.

--------

Championship

Top – Huddersfield (14), Nottingham Forest (13), Stoke (13), Coventry (12), Sheff Wed (12), Wolves (12), Bolton (11).

Bottom – Swansea (8), Derby (7), Burnley (7), Doncaster (6), Barnsley (6), Preston (5), Blackpool (2)

Four straight wins have catapulted Huddersfield from the bottom few to the very top. Forest and Wednesday are the other newcomers to the playoffs. Division’s leading marksman is Rhys Murphy of Forest. Murphy is on loan from Arsenal.

Misery for Blackpool. They look to have a poor side this season. Birmingham meanwhile have recovered from a bad start to move away from the bottom few. Derby replace them as the new big club in a spot of trouble.

--------

League One

Top – Millwall (18), Morecambe (15), Scunthorpe (14), Colchester (14), Plymouth (13), Crystal Palace (12), Sheff Utd (12), Brighton (12)

Bottom – Northampton (7), Bradford (7), Tranmere (5), Bristol Rovers (5), Bury (4), Peterborough (4), Leyton Orient (3)

It’s as you were at the summit, as Millwall continue their early season form. They’re joined by Morecambe. Seriously, how far can my old club go? Golden boot leader at the minute is a familiar face; Paul Hayes of Scunthorpe has six goals to his name.

The bottom of the table hasn’t changed much since the end of August. Stockport and Hartlepool have pulled out of trouble to be replaced by Northampton and Peterborough.

--------

Blue Square Premier

Top – Burton (26), Kidderminster (25), AFC Wimbledon (22), Salisbury (21), Dag & Red (21), Wrexham (21), York (19), Rushden (18)

Bottom – Crawley (12), Welling (11), Stevenage (10), Tamworth (9), Woking (8), Fleetwood (8), Altrincham (6), Forest Green (3)

They certainly play a lot of games in the Conference early doors, don’t they? Burton up to twenty six points already. Kiddie also going strong. Not much in the way of surprises here, except maybe the presence of Salisbury. The Wiltshire club also possess the division’s top scorer, Matt Tubbs. He has six goals.

That weird dream I had, by the way, where Crawley were a rich club spending vast sums of money in something called project promotion, is a far cry from reality. I really must lay off the wine just before bedtime.

--------

Blue Square North

Top – Barrow (20), Farsley (17), Northwich (17), Stafford (16), Boston Utd (16), Stalybridge (15), Redditch (15)

Bottom – Gateshead (9), Workington (9), Worcester (9), Harrogate (3), Guiseley (3), Telford (3), Cambridge City (2)

An excellent September for Barrow has seen them leap from fourth to top. Redditch go in the other direction, falling from second to sixth. A very strong promotion race this. Nathan Joynes of Stalybridge and Spencer Weir-Daley of Redditch are tied neck a neck in the golden boot race, both with seven goals a piece.

At the bottom, a curious gap has opened up between the bottom four and the rest. Surprised to see Telford down there really, whereas Cambridge City’s predicament definitely proves there isn’t room for two teams in Cambridge.

--------

Blue Square South

Top – Havant & Waterlooville (22), Ebbsfleet (21), Braintree (16), Eastbourne (15), Bishops Stortford (14), Hampton & Richmond (13), Merthry Tydfil (13), Hayes & Yeading (12)

Bottom – Maidenhead (8), Fisher (8), Lewes (8), Tiverton (7), Team Bath (6), St Albans (5), Dover (4)

The division with lots of ands sees Havant & Waterlooville lead the way from relegated Ebbsfleet. Best striker is Jamie Slabber of H & W with eight goals.

Dover meanwhile are dangling off the edge of a very steep white cliff (sorry, had to do it). And St Albans continue to flirt with two successive relegations.

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