Outrunning The Black Dog

[dirkgently1066]

October

An interesting start to the season with lots of triggers to negotiate.

After dispatching Coventry from the League Cup, we went on excellent 3 game winning run in the league before travelling to Fulham for the League Cup second round. An extra time goal saw us go 2-1 up and, with glory in our eyes, we started to dream of Wembley...only for Fulham to equalize from a corner with 2 minutes left. Only one penalty was missed; our first.

It was a great effort but this loss preceded a severe slump in form. With the exception of a Johnstones Paint victory, we lost 5 on the bounce, falling from 1st in the league to 17th. A 2-2 draw with Crewe has finally ended the run and sees us settled in 16th for now, 11 points off the top.

It was a really disappointing reversal of fortunes and I'm not sure what went wrong. It is very tempting to start picking apart the tactic but it worked extremely well for 5 games so I don't want to make rash conclusions. It is clear however that we leave too many gaps and players are isolated. What this means in practice is that players face too many one on ones, both in an attacking and defensive sense. So if my player is bested by their player, we lose out and either don't score or concede. I'm not certain how to correct this. Despite the game throwing out news stories about fans wanting a change, I'm reluctant to switch tactics during a poor run. My fear is that I'll start chasing results with more and more desperate thinking. I believe I'll be better served sticking with my base formation but rewatching games and making tweaks to roles and duties to try and generate overlaps and runs from deep.

For now, I will switch Andy Gibbons (my regen) to a False 9 to try and generate more movement up front. My DLP will switch to defend to get him closer to the defence and my other midfielder will switch to a CM support to recycle possession and provide some support to the forwards. I will also shorten the passing whilst asking the team to look for overlap opportunities. I am nervous of these changes. Whenever I apply shouts I feel like I am entering some sort of secret territory that I'm not qualified for. But I think I am applying these changes logically.

Black Dog Watch

* Despite everything I said in the last post, I cam very close to rage quit last night. It is interesting to me that my first reaction to adversity is still to quit, to run away. I have to work hard to make my mind accept the concept of managing through the challenge.

* In the midst of the poor run, I was determined to play on until we stopped the run of defeats. If we hadn't drawn with Crewe, I might have been up all night playing. This is only a slight exaggeration.

* Even when I did go to bed, I spent about an hour thinking about tactics. It started off sensibly enough but by the end, I was churning out all sorts of wacky ideas that I thought might be the 'next big thing.'

* I believe I have worked through an period of anxiety and reached a stage of acceptance. My team is not very good technically and I would like to try a new formation and style but that will come. My squad is built for my current tactic but that's all it is - current. It does not have to be permanent, contracts will expire at the end of the season and I can start to reshape, That brings its own anxiety (see previous posts) but I will try think of it as an opportunity.

My level of obsession remains a concern but I think it just reflects my personality. I attach myself to things quickly and tend to either give all or nothing. This is an unhealthy behaviour and something I would like to train myself out of. That will be helped by a new arrival to the family this month (gulp) which will restrict my game time and perhaps help me to realign my priorities.

[dirkgently1066]

End of the Road?

A tough season and to be honest, I'm not sure if I have the fortitude to stick with it.

Our form never really recovered from the early slump. Despite me previous reservations, I started making changes, moving towards a 433 / 4231. There were flashes of success but as of the last save point (March), we are 20th, a point ahead of 21st and Carlisle have a game in hand. Relegation is a very real possibility.

The biggest news is the sale of Andy Gibbons. Arsenal made a £3.6m deadline day bid. I negotiated to £4m and tried to keep him to the end of the season but accepted an immediate move. I was torn. He is clearly my best player (recently called up to the England U19s squad) but £4m is a lot of money and paid for a training ground upgrade. Tactically, it solved a problem in the sense that I didn't really know what he was. He has quick and strong but had poor technical attributes so I was always confused how to play him. That said, I looked at his record after selling and it was a stark reminder how good he was. I had under appreciated his goals and assists contribution.

Black Dog Watch

* I have saved but will be surprised if I don't revert to an earlier save. I can tolerate not winning / getting promoted but it is the fear of relegation that bothers me. That represents a fundamental failure on my part, an embarrassment.

* At the start of this save, I always intended to step back from the game, to not be emotionally invested in the same way as when I start as Liverpool. But I am! I take defeats personally. Our poor form is because I am not good enough and have failed. It is fascinating how distraught I get as another last minute goal goes in, consigning us to defeat. Perspective goes straight out of the window.

* Selling Gibbons was hard. As ever, my decision making would be called into question, not helped by an Arsenal spokesman commenting on what a steal he was at £4m. It made me feel like a fool, my immediate thought was to go back to an earlier save.

* My lack of confidence in my decisions adds to the tactical confusion. Clearly some of my players aren't that good. Indeed some of them are still Skrill Premier standard. But I assume that losses are a result of my decisions alone. Part of this comes from my FM history. Before getting mired in the stop / start farce of the last few iterations (see OP), I would play FM with a mate and we would embark on a world tour, thrashing everyone and winning leagues wherever we went. I still expect it to be that easy. Whilst in some respects I have embraced a new era of reality, I still demand that immediate success from the Diablo era. Anything less is a failure on my part. This is unhealthy, black and white thinking.

* The obsession has hit an unhealthy high and so it is time to step away. When you put off watching Game of Thrones to concentrate on your FM save, you know there is a problem.

Things I Hate

1. Players running into each other.

2. Players running ahead of the ball, oblivious to the fact that the guy behind is trying to pass it to him, allowing the opposition player to nip in.

3. The ball bouncing off the heel of my players.

4. My players falling over. Seriously, all the time.

5. Conceding from corners. All the time.

6. My goalie not saving a penalty, ever.

7. That moment when you have an attacking corner and the ball is cleared but instead of the highlight fading out, it keeps going as it gradually dawns on you, 'wait, that wasn't the highlight' as the other team runs through your defence and scores. Again.

8. Full backs who don't seem to understand that the guy they should be marking is the one who stands next to them.

9. Players getting the ball and, instead of playing it short to their team mate, fronting up the opposition player and kicking it straight at him, inevitably losing the ball.

10. My strikers receiving the ball in a promising attacking position only turn and try a ridiculous pass back which inevitably runs to the opposition striker who runs through and scores.

11 . Getting cut open time and time again by what appears to be the 1970 Brazil team playing in League 1.

Stuff Wot I Ave Lurnd

Even if I never play FM again, it would be a crying shame if I walk away from this save without having learned something from the experience.

1. I am not cured. Mental illness is a life long, daily battle and this thread has helped me to understand some of the seemingly petty, insignificant triggers that build up and manifest into my major health issues. That I am able to recognise them is a positive and a marked improvement on where I was before therapy. FM has provided a (sometimes uncomfortable) mirror into my mind, reflecting my insecurities.

2. My first reaction is to run from adversity.

3. If something goes wrong, I assume it is my fault.

4. I find making decisions extremely difficult, a real anxiety trigger.

5. I have a tendency to panic in the face of adversity.

6. I feel shame at what I perceive to be my mistakes.

7. I become obsessed / addicted easily and it leads to very self absorbed behaviour.

8. I have beaten my OCD approach to tactics.

9. I still struggle with black and white, all or nothing thinking. Lack of success = failure. I still have work to do establishing shades of grey.

10. Even after all these years, all the setbacks, all the disappointments, all the stress...I still love FM!

I'm not sure what the future of this save is. In a way, it doesn't matter, its purpose has been served. I have a long way to go on my mental health journey. But I have come a long way too.

[kris0710]

|2030/31 | Cambridge United | Sky Bet Championship | 23rd |

Relegation. Devastation.

The next season...

|2031/32 | Cambridge United | Sky Bet League One | 1st |

Record points and record goals. Was relegation a good thing? Confidence is sky high, my stature with the club is the best it has been.

|2032/33 | Cambridge United | Sky Bet Championship | 4th |

What a first year back in the second tier. A club record finish.

|2033/34 | Cambridge United | Sky Bet Championship | 3rd |

Play Off hoodoo broken, PL awaits.

This all stems from relegation.

|2037/38 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 18th |

Now this is serious. I have big players on big money and we HAVE to get promoted or this club would be in financial ruin.

|2038/39 | Cambridge United | Sky Bet Championship | 8th |

Last day of the season we miss out on a Play Off place. More failure.

|2039/40 | Cambridge United | Sky Bet Championship | 1st |

Joint record points haul, back to the top flight, financial concerns gone. More importantly my 'need' to tinker and change has gone. It has just brought me problems.

|2040/41 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 3rd |

|2041/42 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 5th |

|2042/43 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 8th |

|2043/44 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 5th |

|2044/45 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 6th |

|2045/46 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 6th |

|2046/47 | Cambridge United | Premier League | 7th |

A solid top 8 PL side. Same tactics base for a while now, the player roles change slightly but the base is the same. A change on a 4-4-2 that gives me a solid back four, creative CM and a DM that just runs and annoys the AM of the opposition. Pretty, perfect football? No. Effective? Yes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MY POINT

I hope you continue with this and i hope you get relegated, genuinely do. For me two relegations were the best thing that could happen. We had two incredible title wins after, i went back to what i know, not what i think i should be.

Maybe relegation will show that it isn't failure. It is a stepping stone to much more.

Winning things is not the be all and end all. In 38 seasons i have ONE Skrill Premier title, TWO League One titles, ONE Championship title and ONE Johnstone's Paint Trophy.

Two Play Off Final defeats, runners up medal from the FA Cup, League Cup, Europa League, Johnstone's Paint Trophy and FA Trophy. Two relegations. If anything my career was built on failure. Losing at the final hurdle, choking, bottling. Whatever you want to call it.

But then the 39th season clicked.

Premier League Champions

FA Cup Winners

Europa League Winners

and now....I've stopped playing. Winning has ruined my save. If i had to pick one season that was my favourite it wouldn't be the last, the winning season. It was the League One title win, record breaking season.

[dirkgently1066]

Thanks Kris, great post.

I'll take some time away from it and revisit in a few days. As my wife keeps reminding me, 'it's just a game!'

I can see your point re relegation. This save was always supposed to be about learning and exploring, the results were secondary. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I lost sight of this goal along the way. I have / had convinced myself that there was only one criteria for success (promotion), anything else was failure. A rigid, unhealthy mindset. Whatever happens in this season, there are things to learn from, both tactically and mentally.

I've already had thoughts of going back to an earlier save where I hadn't sold Gibbons but I think it is important to stand by a decision made, right or wrong, and observe the consequences. Otherwise, I am effectively wrapping myself in a comfort blanket where there are no consequences, all actions can simply be undone. This doesn't prevent anxiety, it exacerbates it. Decisions are supposed to be stressful, the point is that we learn to deal with them.

[kris0710]

First, the wife is wrong!

I would also move on from Gibbons. The fee you got for him is great at this level and should allow you the freedom to build a whole better squad. Give your club that extra financial backing, strikers come and go. Throughout my save i had to sell, there was little option as i spent so long with poor stadium. Selling the stars and reinvesting became the main objective. With that came pressure to find that rough diamond i could let go 6 or 12 months later.

What if i didn't find one?

What if nobody wanted my players?

Where would that leave the club?

All the will happen down the line is you won't get as good a fee for Gibbons or worse still, he leaves on a free and you will have to fight the urge of going back a year, maybe two, to the point of this sale.

I very much look forward to a Gibbons-less Sutton getting relegated. Go get em!

[dirkgently1066]

End of Season Review

Sorry to disappoint Kris, but we stayed up!

It was looking tight for a while but some key wins saw us move a comfortable 8 points from the relegation places, a final game defeat to Wolves not preventing us from securing a very creditable 16th.

And that's it for now! Time to take a break.

Tactics and Philosophies

One of the breakthroughs of this save is the breaking down of all my old hang ups about how I thought the game should be played. Gone are the pre determined thoughts about positions and roles to be replaced with a more fluid, organic evolution of style. This season has seen us move through a 442, 4231, 433, 4231 assymetric and finally finishing on a 42121. I have utilised roles I have never used before and mixed duties up all over the pitch, no longer constrained by rigid concepts of symmetry or 'what should work.' It hasn't always worked out but this mindset will stand me in good stead moving forwards.

I also played around with philosophies. I saw a great thread on these boards were the poster laid out the positions and how the mentality split would influence positions and I hope to utilise that type of mindset. At times, I played with 5 defensive duties at the back, which I felt naturally suited Fluid. Other times, I wanted to generate runs from deep, so deeper attacking roles with a balanced philosophy seemed more appropriate. The key is that I am no longer tied to one idea 'just because.' I will experiment, fail, experiment again until I find something I am happy with.

One thing I am clear on is 442. It worked, it got me promoted but it has too many flaws. I found the gaps between players were too much and too often. Perhaps if you have a team full of really good players it can still work at a higher level but with the level we have, I need the formation and tactical set up to give me an advantage, to draw more out of what I have. 442 feels like a formation that will let you punch at your own weight but no more.

Andy Gibbons

I couldn't help but check out his Arsenal form. He is on the youth team and has racked up the goals and assists already. His form for me was, unbeknownst to me at the time, pretty devastating with 42 goals and 26 assists from 99 games. I am also frustrated as I have finally figured out where I would have played him (left wing to utilise his pace and wicked left foot).

But why is it so hard to let go? This isn't just the loss of a good player. Despite his stats, he was infuriatingly inconsistent and I never quite got a grasp of his role. This is more of an attachment issue and I have the same with other players. I find it hard to move on, sticking with what I know through fear of the unknown. It happened in real life (12 years in a job that made me miserable before redundancy) and with all sorts of petty examples (the time I was distraught when I noticed a stray piece of fabric on my pristine new Liverpool shirt).

But I stand by my decision, there will be no opportunity to revisit, unless he is made available for loan. And hey, someone better might come along.

Team Building

This does of course feed into my next issue. Contracts are coming up for renewal and a lot of players will need to be moved on. This is a big job and for the first time I have some money to spend. I am nervous that I will get it wrong and start the new season with immediate regrets.

I intend to help myself by laying out from the start how I intend to play. I ended with a 42121 and I liked the way it looked, a combination of defensive solidity and attacking threat. I need better players all over the pitch, notably in the full back areas and out wide. I will need to give some thought on combinations, at this point I am unsure whether to utilise wingers or inside forwards and that decision may influence my roles at full back too.

But these decisions are for another day. Time to check back in to real life for a bit.

[dirkgently1066]

I think that might be it you know.

I started the new season last night and after an impressive 3-0 win over Portsmouth, things went downhill with two 3-0 defeats on the bounce before I switched off.

I had signed something like 10 players in pre season. Not all of them were first team players but the nature of my squad had fundamentally changed and it took something away. Tactically I also lost discipline, reverting to a system I wanted to use, rather than letting my tactical evolution continue.

Most importantly though, we have a new baby so the chances for long term play are pretty much eliminated and a save like this really needs time to breathe.

I may come back to it at some point. I may even try out FMC. But whatever happens, I enjoyed the ride.

Conclusions

* FM is still the best. I appreciate that there is no competition in the football management genre but the game really is immense. In some ways there is too much for me (I don't think I have ever used the analysis tools and rarely interfere with training for example) but the forums highlight that those with time can really invest in a full on simulation.

* I still have serious mental health issues to work through. Specifically, those centered around anxiety: decision making is extremely difficult, I sit in judgement of myself too quickly and I am often too quick to engage in black and white thinking, which results in classing myself as a failure. These are correctable behaviours and this save has been a success in highlighting them.

* I develop attachments quickly and have great difficulty in moving on. Case in point one of my strikers, Ryan Bird. He was good for me in the Skrill South (24 goals) and, even though he blatantly couldn't cut it at a higher level, I kept him on because he was 'one of the boys.' This type of mentality ultimately cost me my save; I found it too hard to transition my old players out.

* I am scared of change. Despite everything I learned, I could never quite embrace a new, different tactical plan, always reverting to 442 out of habit.

* By the same token, my anxiety issues meant that I could never trust what I was doing. Even when 442 was working successfully, I was just waiting for our form to fall off the cliff, fundamentally believing that my team and tactics (and so by extension me) were simply not good enough.

* I still don't have a clear tactical 'vision' but I have become comfortable with this. I am no longer stuck in the '442 or 4231' mindset. If I were to start a new save with a random team tomorrow, I would be able to use my experience to assess the squad a pick a balance of formations, roles and duties that suit the players at my disposal. I have been less successful in understanding how to develop a style of play but, hey, that's what the forums are for!

Thanks for reading. If you would like to read more of my ramblings and stories, head over to my website, www.1066allstars.webs.com. And feel free to follow me on twitter @Dirkgently1066.

[dirkgently1066]

I couldn't stay away for long.

I hadn't wanted to play for a while. A new baby does of course restrict playing time but it was more than that. Last season I signed a free transfer striker / AMC. He operated best as a Treq and represented a departure from my usual type of player, more technique based, less physical. But it gave me a problem in that I wanted to change my formation but didn't know how to incorporate him. He couldn't easily fit into a 433 (he could play CM at a stretch) so I was stuck with 442 or 4231. Rather than embracing this challenge, it became a massive, paralysing roadblock.

Of course with perspective, I understand that this is my anxiety. My decision making was called into question, both in terms of what I would do next and also what I had done. Had I signed the wrong player? Did I have an earlier save I could go back to?

After a couple of aborted attempts, I have finally got going again. For good order, I have deleted all my old saves, there will be no going back.

Pre season was, for the first time, great fun. I retained a couple of players (more on that below) but also let a number go, freeing up space for new recruits. I am happy that I have strengthened in all areas and created reasonable depth. I would like a top class striker but wages are an issue for the calibre of player I can attract.

Tactically, I have switched gears. There were some moments (see below) but I am happy with the new direction. We are now playing a 4231. I opted for Rigid philosophy as I want greater control over how we play. The number of specialised roles doesn't quite tally with wwfan's advice but I think it is a good compromise of what I am trying to achieve. My experience has taught me not to be precious over the roles and duties I will use, adapting them as required based on the players used and my tactical plan for any specific match. I have instead opted to try and define my style with shouts, moving to a short passing, high pressing game with players asked to drill crosses and stay on feet. I have also become more aggressive, using Attacking more often, try to get on the front foot (see below).

So far, so good. 5 games in to the league campaign and we are 3rd with 4 wins and 1 defeat. We were dumped out of the league cup at the first attempt which was disappointing but no great disaster.

Black Dog Watch

* My first attempt at this season ended in disaster, partly after ditching a bunch of my old players. Ridiculously, one of the issues was when In saw my board confidence report where the fans were disappointed that I let one of the players go. I immediately felt guilty and this played a big part in me reverting to an earlier save. This is plainly ridiculous, I am treating these digital avatars as if they are real people. It is revealing though. This is a management sim and it highlights a weakness of man management in the real world, where I have massive anxiety relating to delivering bad news, handling conflict and standing by a decision made. An interesting revelation of a very real area for improvement.

* I changed my mind on tactics repeatedly. I had originally intended to 'keep it simple' by sticking with a very basic 442. Then I would decide to be adventurous, using a complex 433. Ultimately, success came from stepping back and figuring out what I wanted, within the limitations of the players I had. So my 4231 utilises a DLP to link defence and midfield, a B2B midfielder to give us drive from midfield (inspired by Yaya Toure), an AMC (possibly Treq) to act as creative fulcrum, attacking wingers to drive into the box and a goalscorer up front. Having upgraded some of my players, we can finally start to play a short passing system. I will undoubtedly need to adjust as we go but I am happy with my starting point and how it was (ultimately) achieved.

* My aim now is to get this save and thread back on track. No more posts agonising over decisions, rather posts reviewing decisions made, good or bad and living with the consequences. After all, real life doesn't have a 3 month rolling auto save.

[forameuss]

You can be very proud of this thread IMO. Pretty much every one on here is a variation on the theme of "oh look I won", and a lot of them don't really offer anything beyond that, mine very much included. But this one is something rare and brilliant. You're blending the game and real life so well. Now I know in most cases, real life wouldn't come into FM, but obviously in your case it does, and I think the thread is all the better for it. I really hope you keep up with it. Obviously if it's causing your health to deteriorate, then it's not the best, but if it's theraputic to you, then I hope you continue. It's really eye-opening to see how you approach the game.

[dirkgently1066]

Thanks so much forameuss, that's really great feedback, glad you are enjoying the thread.

[rancer890]

This was a great read. Thanks for sharing with the FMCU community and hope more people can read this thread.

I really do commend you about writing your personal issues in a public forum. The internet can really be a nasty place, but this is a great, accepting community. I think you have done a great job with this save given the struggles I've read and how you have been able to overcome them.

Firstly, I really do hope that you only consider FM a game and not a lifestyle. I feel that taking FM (or really, anything in life) too seriously, thinking and overthinking about it, is bad and stressful to your long term health. Do work things at work (even if you slack off, at least don't think about FM ). I personally spent a year away from FM, and I felt it was my best year of my life in years. So really tbh, it's only a game. Control FM, don't let FM control you.

And some other observations:

• Change - I think change in FM and real life are the same. Eventually, you do have to change. Life isn't easy after all. Sometimes in FM, you can't force the issue, because more often than not you will lose. You have a set amount of players who fit a set amount of roles. There's only one person on earth who has ever turned water into wine, and it isn't you. So don't be afraid to adjust and try something new. The unknown can be scary, and it might get worse, but if you stick with it and have a plan, it will work out.
  
• Thinking with your heart vs thinking with your brain - In FM, I'm sure we all had cases where we have attached to a certain player, and then we get news that he doesn't want to a sign a new contract for whatever reason. I now say, if you want to go, then go. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions, and that's how life goes. If that star striker wants a new challenge, then say 'ok, we'll try to make something work for both of us.' Don't be afraid to make and stick with tough decisions. If you have a plan, it will work out more often than not. You have to be flexible and think ahead of time. If Plan A fails, try Plan B. Screwed up Plan B? Well there's Plan C. When a door closes, another one always opens.
  
• It's ok to make mistakes or fail, as long as... - Jeez I tried playing as Canvey Island in a dafuge challenge and we got relegated. But I stuck through it and learned some things along the way. We were a horrible team, managed by a horrible manager like myself, but you learn about yourself in times in struggle. It's ok to fail, as long as you learn how why you failed, and what ways you can do better next time. Self-evaluation and self-honesty is important no matter what you do. IRL, I really do recommend before you go to bed, spend 5 minutes on what you did today, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what you could have done better. And just when you're about to sleep, put good thoughts in your mind.
  
• And by far my most important advice: think positively. If you think the worst from people (or anything you do), you will get it. Take in minor victories, take in positive progress. Think about what you did good and bad, and stress the good. The one thing I liked about team talks is that if you keep being aggressive with your team after a lot of losses, morale will go down. If you keep yelling and being angry, people will tune you out.
  

FM is like a chess game, sometimes you have to not only think about your next move, but the next 5 moves after that. You win, and you lose some, but the beauty of chess is that even if you lose, you can play a new chess match, and you learn all your past mistakes that you can store as knowledge into your next match.

Lastly, if you find that FM isn't fun anymore, I really stress you quit playing. But if you enjoy FM, I hope you keep playing.

And best of wishes for you to live happy everyday.

[smp20]

Good to see this is still going, good read. Keep it up Dirk!

[dirkgently1066]

Before I get started, I would like to thank those of you who have posted in this thread. When I started this, I wasn't sure if people would be interested in reading what is, in essence, a mental health blog so it is really gratifying that people have taken the time to read and seem to be taking something from it.

December 2018

Early December sees us sitting 3rd in League 1 with a record of 12 wins, 3 draws and 4 defeats. It's pretty tight at the top. Portsmouth seem pretty certain to go up with 45 points from their 19 games and Wolves have just nudged past me in to 2nd. 7 points cover us in 3rd and Colchester in 8th so plenty to play form.

Our form has been mixed. Some good wins (Blackpool away) mixed with some heavy defeats (1-4 to Sheff Weds at home). The most frustrating thing is when we go a couple of goals up and get pegged back, often conceding late goals.

Tactically I have mixed it up, switching predominantly between 442 and 4231. My preference is 4231 but I have concerns over the gaps it leaves. I have also experimented with a 433, which just brought us a nice cup victory against Wolves. To be honest, I'm not really bothered. My rigid thinking on formations has been broken (ironically seeing as I am using a Rigid philosophy) and I am now happy that I can be flexible and apply the best formation for the assets at my disposal.

The team seems to be relatively strong, although injuries have been a problem this year, but really for the first time in this save. I don't seem to have any real stand outs at the moment, although Championship Leicester have sniffed round my centre back and centre mid. I have a couple of youngsters that I think could develop into good players. Nothing at Andy Gibbons level, but good young players.

Talking of Gibbons, his sale has now led to the completion of upgrades to both training and youth facilities. Oh, and I just couldn't resist appointing Jamie Carragher as my assistant.

Black Dog Watch

* Lets get something out of the way immediately - I engaged in blatant cheating during this save. My first run through saw us take a nose dive in form, losing something like 7 or 8 on the bounce. This has happened before and I was not happy so I quit, reverting to an earlier save. I then replayed, playing and saving after each game to ensure victory, for about 5 games, which directly contributed to a 9 game winning streak.

*Why? I wanted to win. I wanted to get promoted.

* The positives - I have broken my OCD, black and white thinking on FM. It is a game, I treated it like a game. It has kept me playing and kept me enjoying it.

* The negatives - using save & reload once makes it tempting to do again. My game lost flow, I would spend 2 hours of play time on the same 1 or 2 games. Plus it takes some of the gloss off of any achievement

* I'm okay with it though. As rancer890 mentioned in his wonderful post above, this is not like a traditional thread detailing my FM achievements. This is a mental health blog, charting my real life issues as they manifest in a game I love. Mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts and feelings, to acknowledge them but never judge. On that basis, my actions are irrelevant, it is my reaction to them that is of interest. The fact that I have reconciled this behaviour in my mind tells me that I have moved forward. That being said, I would like to get back to playing the game 'properly' as much as possible but do not rule out further save & reloads to achieve my aims.

* In the mindfulness vein, my reaction to a losing streak is interesting. I lose all discipline, very quickly assuming that I'm no good. Panic sets in, I chop and change, revert to old tropes and then eventually throw in the towel. I recognise this as catastrophe thinking, jumping to the worst conclusion straight away. Clearly some work to do in developing patience and being kinder to myself, trusting in my abilities.

[dirkgently1066]

About 5 minutes after posting the above, I rage quit after a defeat. It wasn't the defeat itself that bothered me, but after the game, I realised it was a cup semi final. Only the Johnstone's Paint final but a final nonetheless. Unfortunately, I had hit the button before noticing how far back the last save was.

The underlying theme of this thread is of analysing and understanding. Why do I do the things I do? And how do they make me feel?

My habit of reloading is more than just frustration at results. When I get into a funk and panic sets in, my insecurity of tactic building comes to the fore. It is not about which formation to play, it is that I don't understand what I am doing. What impact will it have playing Rigid versus Fluid? Am I better off with a CM or a B2B midfielder? I have read the tactic forums and watched matches in full but when the red mist descends, it all goes out of the window. I end up hitting the proverbial reset button and trying again, without ever fully grasping what has worked and what hasn't.

Effectively, winning has replaced understanding, which is a shame but perhaps natural. I truly want to understand. But I really want to get promoted!

So where do I go from here? My 4231 worked for a bit. So did my 442. I like Rigid, I feel it gives me solidity and room for flexibility by choosing the right roles. I like that 4231 gives me really attacking roles, but I am concerned about the huge gaps between defence and midfield. 442 closes gaps between full back and winger but creates a gap between midfield and attack. I don't know the answer but I'll persevere.

Perhaps I need to focus on my self adopted life mantra - life is a journey, not a destination.

[rancer890]

Take the positives out of winning and losing. IMO, as long as you learn something, it's a win-win in my book. If you win more than you lose, it might not be tactics. It might be just a bad day at the office. Everyone have had bad days at work, no matter the profession. Sometimes changing too many things isn't great. Stick with something that works well.

If you go and change too many things, it's easy to get confused. Continuity is important.

[dirkgently1066]

December. Again.

Well, that was bizarre. After replaying my last save back to the point of my last rage quit, I find myself in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy final in the midst of an 8 game winning streak.

With the exception of reloading the save, there has been no cheating, I simply replayed the same games. Tactically, I went with my 4231, a rigid philosophy with a standard starting strategy. The question I kept asking was why am I winning? What's different.

I think one of the main reasons is that I took my time. 4231 is a strong formation. It has issues, principally the gaps between defence and midfield. But the attacking threat of 4 players being available for counter attacking opportunities offers a real threat. My players have stepped up to the plate too, a young striker, signed in pre season, has really found his feet with 10 goals. Stipe Bartarilo, a German left winger who I gambled on a few years ago, has popped up with 5 vital goals. After 19 games we're top, with 15 wins, 2 draws and 2 defeats having spanked in 39 and conceded 19.

Black Dog Watch

* At times, I didn't want to play. I was scared of failure. If I played, I might lose. I have saved after most games, ready to rage quit at a moments notice and replay due to an inevitable decline in form. This is catastrophising and projecting, filling in the blanks with conclusions that don't meet the available facts

* I don't fully understand why my tactic is working at the moment which worries me. If I don't understand why it works, what is to say it won't stop working? I cannot trust that my experience, intuition and judgement have got me to a sensible place. My self confidence issues take over, reminding me that I am a failure, that it won't last.

* I retain a deep rooted, fundamental anxiety that the wheels will come off, that our form will dip and we'll get stuck in this division. I think it is important that I learn to accept whatever happens. That does not mean lowering my standards or expectations, simply accepting the truth of what is. Easier to say than to do admittedly.

[dirkgently1066]

New Year Blues

To some extent, things have been fairly uneventful since my last update. A couple of defeats notwithstanding, we have been in devastating form and are sitting pretty at the top of League 1 with a record of 20 wins, 3 draws and 4 defeats (don't you just hate it when you have more defeats than draws? It just looks wrong!). 55 scored and 28 conceded isn't the best at either end but it's there or thereabouts, giving us a healthy GD of +27. We're 2 points clear of Portsmouth in second (who did us 0-3 at their place, returning the favour from the opening day) but, more crucially, 5 points ahead of 3rd place Wolves.

Some good performances too. We've had some injuries this year but players are slowly coming back. I am really happy with the signings I made in the summer. A couple of duds to be sure but they are just squad players. Recent stand out performers include right winger John Heron (21 apps, 7 goals, 7.31 AR) and defender Tom Parkes (31 apps, 6 goals(!), 7.23 AR).

No restarts since the one noted a couple of posts up. Everything we have achieved has been 'natural'. It does perhaps indicate that player morale is crucial, as of course is fluidity of tactics.

Black Dog Watch

* No rage quit thoughts but some clear flakiness in my thinking. We lost a couple of games and I become concerned that we would slip out of the promotion spots, then out of the play off spots, then we wouldn't get promoted, then...blah, blah, blah. This is catastrophising and it is interesting to see how quickly and easily I slip into this mode of thinking. A far more balanced thought process is that we have played well all season and have the ability to recover from a small loss in form, as has been seen.

* Bizarrely, in the midst of a winning run, I found myself losing interest for a while. After all that has happened, I was bored by success! It quickly passed, aided by a disappointing defeat, but it is an interesting notion that what I am chasing does not appear to make me happy after all.

[Fond Foat]

The point of failure is an interesting one, and I am sure if probably effects a lot of people who play FM. Most people do not like to take responsibility for their own mistakes.

I wonder how you justify replaying games over and over without considering that a failure in itself? Are you not feeding the black dog by doing this?

I feel you are lying to yourself by stating that replaying the match until you win is not cheating. I do understand your argument, but isn't the point of gaining success to earn it through trials and tribulations. I have no problem with playing the game however you want, but the fact that you found yourself getting bored when you have won may have a lot to do with how you have achieved your success.

I know this thread is meant to examine your thoughts and be therapeutic, so I thought I would ask you about this. Take care.

[dirkgently1066]

A fair question, and one I wrestled with.

After my first restart, I felt ashamed. I felt that I couldn't possibly continue this thread as I had lost all credibility. Ultimately, I decided that the purpose of this save was to do things differently, not just repeat past mistakes. So I reloaded and I'm glad I did.

Do I feel like a cheat? Yes.

Do I wish I had seen it through to the bitter end? Yes.

But ultimately I had to decide. What would make me happy? I decided that trying again, 'forgiving' myself the cheat and continuing the save was the best way forward.

Undoubtedly it has impacted my enjoyment of the save but in the spirit of the thread, it is my thought process I am keen to explore and understand rather than the action taken.

[Fond Foat]

Sounds like a good plan. I don't think anybody would object if you treated this save as a learning experience. You seem to have gained a lot from it. Perhaps you would feel ready to start with a new club and go again using this thread to see if you have changed your thought processes as you have gotten better at the game. Whatever makes you feel comfortable is ultimately the best method

[dirkgently1066]

March

A real mixed bag since the last update. After opening a 7 point lead at the top, our form collapsed dramatically. It started with a 3-2 defeat at Bristol City (a score that flattered us) before we went on an 8 game winless run, dropping down to 3rd and losing the ST Johnstone's Paint final over two legs.

We finally got back on track with a hard fought win at home to promotion rivals Wolves and followed it up with a home win over 10 mean Blackpool. A draw between Portsmouth and Wolves saw us leapfrog both back into 1st but only a single point separates us with 7 games to go. It's going to be glory or the play offs.

Black Dog Watch

Lot's going here.

* As usual, in the midst of our poor run my thoughts betrayed me and I started thinking about reloading. As referenced by rancer890 and Fond Foat above, my immediate reaction was to run away from the 'trials and tribulations'. Some part of my mind doesn't want the challenge, it just wants immediate, easy success. Of course another part of my mind wants the challenge and the satisfaction of the reward that comes with it. It is disappointing, this far into my journey, that this remains both the first and strongest reaction.

* I did not succumb though, I saw it through and was rewarded.

* The poor run brought my usual tactical anxieties to the fore. Despite all the success so far this season, a few setbacks and I started to second guess everything, seeing faults everywhere. Where once we were devastating on the counter, now there were gaps between the lines, the striker was isolated, my midfield roles offered no protection. The negative, biased thoughts took over.

* Regardless of any save / reload I may have used earlier in the campaign, my early success was built on the old cliche of 'taking one game at a time.' I would study, learn, react. But almost as soon as I lost a game, my thinking became generalised, catastrophising. I was tired and distracted during my last session, it would have been prudent to take a break, come back when I could spend some proper time with it. But I insisted in pushing through, insisting that I had to win before I turned in for the night. I got away with it but it could have been disastrous. Ultimately, you get what you put in with FM14.

* The irony is that the run was not as poor as my mind was telling me. Fine, I was winless for 8 games but only lost 3 on the bounce, the rest were draws. Some were credible, others were disappointing but the point is I never fell below 3rd and never dropped more than 3 points behind the leaders. And now, having pushed through, I am back on top of the pile.

* And finally...admittedly this thought came during the midst of my poor run but I have started to ask myself, what is the point of this save? Why am I playing, what is the end game? What will ever be enough? Reaching the premier league? Winning the champions league? I have very prescient pressures in real life that restrict my game time, this will not be a 15-20 season slog fest of a save. I find myself questioning why I continue to play, why I maintain this blog. Has it all been a waste of time?

* And finally, finally...I have become adept at identifying my mental health issues but knowledge without application is of little value. What have I learned from this save that I have been able to successfully implement in real life? Honestly, very little, at least in a practical sense. What I have learned is 'negative', in the sense that I have developed my understanding of specific issues and daily triggers, which is a useful insight. But the key now is finding ways to implement these lessons. Perhaps I am being too harsh in myself.

* And finally, finally, finally...writing your blog, posting and then finding the whole thing has been wiped becuase your session timed out is...not fun.

[rancer890]

I think that FM and real life have a bit more in common than you think. Being a football manager irl is a very stressful position. The pressure to win, from the board, from the fans, and a bit from yourself, since it's your job. In FM and in life, it's better to think of how to try and win in life/FM rather than to think of trying to not lose. Trying to win a positive thought. Trying to not lose is negative. I think you need more positive reinforcement. It's easy to spiral into a worse state when all you think are negative thoughts. Positive thoughts breed positive success.

I think you have this problem of thinking too many things white/black. There's a lot of grey which are good things. See beyond the objectives right in front of you.

This also relates to sometimes putting too much information in your head. I see you react a lot to different situations, and sometimes this overload can pose problems, to the point where you actually don't know what you're really doing. Remember, less is more. I think this is why I prefer to not read tactic guides. It's easy to make mistakes and the wrong choices with more information sometimes. Goes back to 'less is more'.

You can learn so much from FM. Things like dealing with stress and adversity, and how you handle things that don't your way. And I think it's a good idea to start planning your goals. And goals doesn't have to be wins and losses. In my save with Kitchee, I have several different goals, and it keeps me motivated. If you're just moving on autopilot it's easy to lose focus. Have specific goals and targets. If you are motivated, you can do it and achieve much more.

And don't forget, you're a leader. You make the decisions here. If you think scared, your team will play scared. Take control. Have confidence in your abilities, in your player's abilities.

Oh, and just click 'remember me' when you login. Saves lot of hassle. I think I said the exact same thing but in 5 different ways and 5 different paragraphs. Have fun anyway.

[dirkgently1066]

I think that FM and real life have a bit more in common than you think. Being a football manager irl is a very stressful position. The pressure to win, from the board, from the fans, and a bit from yourself, since it's your job. In FM and in life, it's better to think of how to try and win in life/FM rather than to think of trying to not lose. Trying to win a positive thought. Trying to not lose is negative. I think you need more positive reinforcement. It's easy to spiral into a worse state when all you think are negative thoughts. Positive thoughts breed positive success.

I think you have this problem of thinking too many things white/black. There's a lot of grey which are good things. See beyond the objectives right in front of you.

This also relates to sometimes putting too much information in your head. I see you react a lot to different situations, and sometimes this overload can pose problems, to the point where you actually don't know what you're really doing. Remember, less is more. I think this is why I prefer to not read tactic guides. It's easy to make mistakes and the wrong choices with more information sometimes. Goes back to 'less is more'.

You can learn so much from FM. Things like dealing with stress and adversity, and how you handle things that don't your way. And I think it's a good idea to start planning your goals. And goals doesn't have to be wins and losses. In my save with Kitchee, I have several different goals, and it keeps me motivated. If you're just moving on autopilot it's easy to lose focus. Have specific goals and targets. If you are motivated, you can do it and achieve much more.

And don't forget, you're a leader. You make the decisions here. If you think scared, your team will play scared. Take control. Have confidence in your abilities, in your player's abilities.

Oh, and just click 'remember me' when you login. Saves lot of hassle. I think I said the exact same thing but in 5 different ways and 5 different paragraphs. Have fun anyway.

Posts like this one make me glad that I started this thread. Insightful, supportive and, above all, genuinely helpful.

Setting goals is a great idea.

Long term - Sutton Utd World Club Champions (added bonus - manage England to World & European cup wins, Get offered Liverpool job).

Medium term - Premier League (added bonus - Champions League winners).

Short term - Get promoted to Premier League (added bonus - get offered job by higher reputation team)

I'm on my way to the short term goal (details to follow). The long term goals are, perhaps, unrealistic but that has to be the ultimate aim. Achieving even my short term aim would allow me to stop playing whilst retaining a high degree of satisfaction.

[Fond Foat]

Some good goals there.

I would disagree that knowledge without application is not useful. Understanding yourself and why you do things is very important even if you do not act on them. Reflection gives you an opportunity that many people refuse to give themselves.

I think this thread has been excellent and in the end your knowledge will lend itself to application naturally. Great work.

[dirkgently1066]

Thanks Fond Foat, another example of my black and white, 'all or nothing' thinking perhaps.

Appreciate your contributions and kind words.

[dirkgently1066]

Champions!

Now this is why I love FM.

After a patchy run of form, we had dropped down into 3rd. Wolves were top with MK Dons having pushed out Portsmouth from the promotion race into 2nd. Our penultimate game?

MK Dons.

It started badly as we went 1-0 down. I made some tactical changes, abandoning the defensive approach for standard and the results were almost immediate as we equalised. Then shortly after, we took the lead and despite being battered, hammered and lots of other erd's, we managed to hold on for a glorious victory. It moved us back into 2nd place. A win in our final game would guarantee us promotion and could even put us top. Final game? Against the team in 23rd. Easy pickings. Right?

I didn't want to be too aggressive so we started off on Standard. We were playing well, creating chances, then I noticed that we had dropped into 3rd. MK Dons had taken the lead in their game. Then disaster struck as we went 1-0 down just before half time, completely against the run of play. To my dismay, we dropped to 5th, the final days of the promotion battle far closer than I had realised. With little choice, we went attacking, pushing for an equaliser. Finally it came, we were back in it. And somehow, other results started to go our way. We were suddenly back into 2nd.

Then it happened.

A second goal to put us 2-1 up, taking us top. And that was how it ended. Not only are we going up but we're going up as champions, a quite incredible season.

It is the closest, most exhilarating finish I have ever experienced on FM. This is why I wanted to start in the lower leagues, to go through these highs and lows, to take a team from the depths to heights they have never dreamed of. Next season sees us in the Championship, just one promotion away from the big time.

Phew.

Black Dog Watch

* One of the core principles behind this thread is to be unflinchingly honest, both with myself and anyone who takes the time to read. With that in mind, the last couple of games were so big, so important, that I saved before each one with the intention / option of reloading if I needed to. I should stress that I did not need to, we won both games organically. I am not sure what I would have done had we lost. Would I have had the courage and conviction to see it through regardless? Or would I have crumbled and given in? Honestly, I don't know, but I have a fair idea.

* Perhaps there is another way to look at it. I am so keen to see myself as guilty of some grievous sin. Reading the point above, look at the language (bear in mind this is a live blog) - 'crumbled', 'given in'. These are negative labels, a form of self flagellation, borne of an innate sense of failure, of being no good. So let's be kinder to myself. This is a game. This is my game. I shall play it as I choose, enjoy it as I will. If that comes with a sense of regret then so be it. And hey, I didn't even need to do it. I won, through my own hard work.

* Or as a great man once said, 'Win if you can, lose if you must but always cheat'.+

* In a more positive sense, I find myself thinking about tactics but in a much more free and positive way than before. I don't know how we will line up next season but honestly, I don't care. 4231 worked but had flaws. So did 442. I am tempted by a 4141. Bottom line is it doesn't matter. I am starting to develop a confidence that I can build a team to suit how I want to play. I am pretty happy with the team I built this year and with some key additions, I think we can hold our own.

* That said, even as I typed that sentence, I had a nagging sense of regret in the back of my mind, the one that Fond Foat references in his post of the 6th, that feeds my black dog and tells me, 'yeah, but you cheated. You only had success because you bailed when your form hit the skids.' There is an element of truth in this I guess. But once again, this is black and white, all or nothing thinking with a negative bias. Yes, I bailed when the going got tough and I 'massaged' a couple of wins. But the rest of the season, 95%+ of it, was managed organically. I earned this success and I can be rightly proud. Regret of the past leads to depression, a road I know well. Time to leave it behind.

Time to take a break now I think, to recharge the mental batteries ahead of what should be an exciting season in the Championship. Doubts over my ability remain, a lingering undercurrent of lack of self confidence that very much permeates into my daily 'real' life so I look forward to jumping back in soon to banish those negative thoughts.

+ Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan

[dirkgently1066]

With all the actual football (not to mention a newborn baby), it's been a while since I played FM.

The break has been interesting. I haven't thought about the game at all. Given how obsessive I get about it when I play regularly, this is interesting and demonstrates the importance of stepping away every now and then.

Of course watching the World Cup gives you food for thought. I noticed a strong positive change in my watching behaviour. In the past, I would see something successful and want to implement it. Then I would see something else and want to implement that. It went beyond the norm of taking the best of others, it would instead be a reflection of my lack of confidence, the assumption that everyone (anyone) else knows what they're doing and I never have a clue.

This time, I found myself watching, analysing and appreciating but ultimately being happy with my own path. I must admit to being sorely tempted by a 3 /5 man defence but I'm not quite ready for that yet.

However...I started thinking about the game in earnest over the last 24 hours, ready to resume playing and I started over thinking tactics again. It was a repeat of my old behaviours, like a dog in my mind chasing it's own tail, my mind raced from one formation to another, never able to settle before finally going, 'oh lets just go with 442.'

But I managed to break it. I don't want to play 442. For the first time in a long time, I have the confidence to picture how I want to play and to try and implement it. So I'll be sticking with the 4231 that got me promoted, with a couple of tweaks. The good thing about a 4231 is that it very easily converts to a 4411 for tough away games.

So I'm looking forward to some game time over the next few days. We have an exciting pre-season ahead of us as we look forward to the Championship and I feel in a good place mentally to tackle the challenge.

[dirkgently1066]

It's great to be reminded of why I love this save.

I don't really have any expectations of this season. Having reached the Championship, we're so close to the Promised Land of the Premier League that, for the first time, consolidation is more than acceptable. and we have to ground share with Charlton for 3 months whilst the stadium is upgraded. This doesn't happen at Liverpool!

Pre season is fun. My transfer budget of £160k and wage budget of £60k are a challenge (there goes the dream of signing Adam Lallana and Micah Richards!) but I am finally ready to take confidence from my past achievements. I just took Sutton from the Skrill South to the Championship! I can back myself to make good signings at low cost, supplemented by select loan signings.

I don't expect the make up of my team to fundamentally alter. There are no superstars but it's a good group. I could do with a sprinkling of quality all over but realistically we are again looking at asking lower division players to step up. For the first time I can scout abroad too!

Little in the way of Black Dog activity so far. I am determined not to save / reload from here. I have reached a good level, struggling at this stage is understandable. There is still some second guessing and circular thinking over tactics but I have managed to control it and remind myself that success came from reacting, not theorising.

There remain some moments of regret over past actions, some thoughts of what might have been. But as I have said in my blogs (coming soon to Amazon!); depression is regret of the past, anxiety fear of the future, I therefore choose to live in the present.

[dirkgently1066]

Wow, my goalie at Sutton is going through some real life mental health issues of his own. Read his story here; http://blackdogtribe.com/news-features/keeper-reveals-depression-affected-pompey-career?utm_source=hootsuite&utm_campaign=hootsuiteth

[rancer890]

Wow, my goalie at Sutton is going through some real life mental health issues of his own. Read his story here; http://blackdogtribe.com/news-features/keeper-reveals-depression-affected-pompey-career?utm_source=hootsuite&utm_campaign=hootsuiteth

Good on him.

It's important for anyone to have emotional release and he seems to be recognizing the problem and taking appropriate action.

I also think people in high pressure jobs should not be afraid to show weakness. It only makes depression worse sadly. Admitting a problem is not a weakness, it's a strength. It allows one to figure a plan of action to fix it.

[LilSaint]

Following very interesting read, especially the parts that affect your mental state. I think to some extent that's something many people can relate to, on different levels ofcourse.

In the past I've been pretty compulsive as well, whenever a result didn't swing the way I wanted I'd keep reloading and getting more frustrated every time.

Until at some point I accepted that you can't win every game over a season & it's actually the defeats that make the wins taste that much better. Best of luck to you, in the save & beyond!

[dirkgently1066]

@rancer890 - agree, good to see these stories, hopefully the stigma around mental health is slowly being eroded.

@LilSaint - thanks for reading. You're bang on about the thrill of victory after the agony of defeat. There have been times when it's gone too far (losing 10 in a row for instance) and I chuck my toys out the pram and save / reload, but my League One title was definitely made all the sweeter after staggering over the line with genuine doubt over whether I would make it.

I've really enjoyed maintaining this blog and would be thrilled if it has resonated with others and helped someone understand a bit more about mental health issues.

[dirkgently1066]

My pre-season optimism is slowly giving way to frustration.

Thinks started off absolutely awesome. I asked for a new parent club and to my surprise was given Liverpool! I immediately started firing out loan requests willy nilly. I was like a kid in a sweet shop.

But the usual frustration has come in to play. Presumably our club rep is so low that no one wants to join us so all the choice players have gone elsewhere. The only additions to the squad have been converting some loans from last year into permanent signings (see below). Fundamentally this is a problem because if I find good loan prospects elsewhere, I can't afford the wage contribution.

This was brought into sharp focus when I looked at the season preview and saw that we are 50-1 outsiders projected to finish dead last! Could be a long season.

Anyway, let's have a look at the troops that are going in to battle this year.

Formation - 4231

Mentality - Standard

Fluidity - Rigid

Team Instructions - Drill crosses, Hassle Opponents, Work Ball Into Box, Be More Expressive

GK (D) John Sullivan - £275k

DR (A) Aaron Phillips - £235k

DC (S) Jack Batten - £500k

DC © Tom Parkes © - £600k

DL (A) Amari'i Bell - £275k

MCR (BBM) Bobby Reid - £775k

MCL (CMD) David Bailey - £140k

AMR (Winger A) John Herron - £525k

AMC (AP A) Mark Randall - £180k

AML (Winger A) Viv Solomon-Otabor - £155k

STC (AF A) Paul McMullan - £450k

A mixed bunch and I am proud to have brought some of these guys with me through the leagues but I desperately need some quality. The bench is sparse but I will genuinely be delighted with staying up and continuing to learn this year.

[dirkgently1066]

I realised whilst watching the crazy Germany v Algeria game that part of my frustration at the lack of loan signings comes from a sub conscious pressure to succeed.

At last review, my odds in the league are out to 80-1. My most expensive player is worth £650k, versus my first opponents, QPR, whose best player is worth £4.1m. And yet at the back of my mind is still an expectation that I should get promoted. It is silly and unrealistic but reveals a part of my psyche that ignores perspective, instead demanding perfection, holding me to an unrealistic, unhealthy standard.

So, I took youngster on loan instead. Minimal wage contribution required and a capable hand if required. Consolidation, wage control and learning are the key points for this season

[dirkgently1066]

The season opener is a home game against QPR. We got absolutely hammered in the stats but restricted them to just a 0-1 defeat. A victory in the League Cup was followed by an away game at West Ham. After taking an early lead, we were soon pegged back, the game finishing in a creditable 1-1 draw.

A decent start then. I have a couple of tactical concerns;

* We were carved open repeatedly by QPR. Obviously they are a superior team but the number of chances conceded was worrying.

* We didn't create much in any of the games. Against Stevenage (L2), we had just 3 shots, scoring late on. I switched to a 433 for this game with a view to using it in the league but backed off after this performance.

* Some changes to my line up. I switched out my goalie, now playing a 24 year old Bulgarian signed last year. Technically not as good as Sullivan but younger and with more potential so needs some game time. I also changed some of the roles, reverting to BWM (d) and DLP (s) in midfield, a AM (a) at AMC and my striker is set to complete forward support. This is how I ended the season and I think it will give us better balance whilst also creating more movement between the lines.

* I'm concerned that my full backs aren't involved enough, especially when we switch to defensive tactics. I'm not sure how to rectify. I have considered switching them to wing back roles, which might get them further up the pitch, giving my DLP more passing options. I'm just concerned that it will leave gaps behind them but it may be worth trying for a few games.

The key thing is going to be patience. My worst runs have happened when I insist on ploughing through a session, rather than stopping to give me time to process and gain perspective. As I have often said, this is a long term save, so if a 2 hour session is spent reviewing and learning from old games rather than playing, it is time well spent.

[dirkgently1066]

Just a couple of games played tonight (taking my own advice above) but still plenty to digest.

I switched us from Rigid to Fluid in an attempt to generate more movement and to bring the full backs into the game. It reaped immediate dividends with two wins on the bounce, including a 5-0 thrashing of Burnley. I also experimented with dropping my MC's back to DMC and my AMC back to CM on the basis that I want to protect the back 4 and generate more play from deep. It's something i will consider when looking to see a game out but may have some potential.

Despite the positives, still some Black Dog activity.

I made a signing, bringing in Mitchell Pinnock on a free. Long time readers may remember that I had Pinnock on loan in my first 2 seasons and he was sensational on the left wing and I just couldn't resist signing him. trouble is, it pushed me over my wage budget.

I was so disappointed with this that, despite picking up my first win, I actually considered reloading.

Why?

Part of it is through taking the game seriously. I don't want to jeopardise the future of the club with short term over-spending. Part of it is that I want a perfect satisfaction rating from my board and this will affect my wage control.

But it is interesting that my first thought was to switch off. My mind did not want to have to deal with the consequences of an action taken, a potential mistake. I wanted to erase it, to do things perfectly.

I didn't act on it and when the dust settles I'll realise that I signed a good player that can help us.

For now, I'm celebrating our first victory at Championship level as we ride high in 5th place!

[dirkgently1066]

Wow, what an incredible result.

After dispatching Premier League West Brom, Everton came to town for the Carling Cup. After a nervy 1-1 we went to penalties. Everton missed their 6th spot kick and we're through! A really great result and a validation of my tactics. We didn't do much going forward (although we had chances) but I have become reassured that my 4231 with a Fluid mentality retains a defensive solidity despite the apparent positional gaps.

In the league, 8 games in sees us sitting in 12th, winning 3, drawing 2 and losing 3.

Black Dog Watch

A strange moment occurred when we lost a couple of games. It wasn't a rage quit moment as we quickly bounced back but I had passing thoughts of disillusionment. I realised that it was highly unlikely that I would get promoted and that I would stay in this division. This thought quickly escalated into 'you'll be stuck here forever, mired in mediocrity.'

What on earth is going on?

Several things, which seep into my real life.

Firstly, I am applying unrelenting standards. Despite the relative strength (or lack thereof) of my team compared to the rest of the division, I have an innate thought that I should get promoted, anything else equals failure. This is black and white thinking.

Secondly, I am allowing my thoughts to drift. Mindfulness teaches us to live in the present. I cannot possibly know what the future will bring (how could I have predicted the Everton result?). And whatever it does bring may be glorious, whatever the outcome.

Thirdly, there is a very real world sense that I am underachieving. In real life, I have often felt, in direct contradiction to my feelings of inadequacy that I maintain at the same time, that I am operating below my capability level, that if I only tried harder I could be so much more, my life destined to end with me on my deathbed at the age of 90, looking back thinking 'what if?'. And so I am projecting this into my game, my mind attempting to convince me that whatever I achieve is not good enough.

But thoughts are just thoughts, they are not actions. Almost as soon as a thought appears, so another comes to replace it, the first drifting away like a cloud. Perhaps sometimes I need to give them a little blow to help them on their way.

Blatant Plug Alert

I wrote a new flash fiction piece this evening, a metaphor for the difficulty in resisting the lure of depression and finding the path of recovery. I would be delighted if some of you would take a look and if you like it, or any of my other pieces, I encourage you to comment or share at http://1066allstars.webs.com/apps/blog/show/42448911-adrift.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I have enjoyed writing about my FM save, sometimes more so than actually playing it! With that in mind, I was thinking about what else I could do to entertain myself and I think I have come up with an interesting idea. Keep your eyes peeled in the FM Stories section.

And Finally

If you have enjoyed reading through my mental health journey, you may be interested in my forthcoming collection of blogs and creative writing, Bring Me That Horizon, that I will be self publishing soon on Amazon.

[rancer890]

Just control what you control. If you tried your best, you don't need to regret anything. Live in the moment. If something bad happens tomorrow, it'll happen. Focus on what you have to do now, and everything else will take care of itself.

I find asking 'What if' a waste of time. Of course you could try harder on a gazillion things you do in life. Hindsight is 20/20. Life deals you a hand. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad. Sometimes life is hopeless. But ya know, you might not be able to change your start, but you sure can change middle and the end.

Trust me, as a new graduate, I'm terrified that I'll be unemployed for the rest of my life (we all got our own problems man and I'm no different despite all my advice ). But it all comes back to being positive. Believe in your abilities and your strengths, and everything will work out. If one does not have self-belief, then it will be hard for others to believe in you.

If you think you can do it, then you can. It's pretty simple.

[forameuss]

I look forward to your new story with interest - this has been one of the more unique (and one of the best IMO) stories that are on here. One that isn't just "look at all my trophies" and the added depth that you've added personally. Been a good read.

[dirkgently1066]

Ever have one of those sessions when you wish you had never bothered loading up?

Long time players will remember the early versions of Championship Manager where they had a copy protection system. You had to enter a score from the manual (or attendance figure in CM1) and I swear blind that the score randomly picked affected how well you played. My brother (somewhat tongue in cheek) thinks this still happens, an idea I had always laughed off. But now...

10 games played last night. Won 2. Our giant killing run in the Carling Cup is over. After ditching West Brom and Everton, QPR proved too much. It was an incredibly frustrating game. I started the match and stepped away to do something else. When I came back at half time, we were 2-0 up. QPR then pulled it back to 2-2 before grabbing an extra time winner.

In the league, a couple of decent wins could not halt an alarming slide in form. We simply got carved open again and again, conceding a ridiculous number of chances each game. My striker, Paul McMullan, had scored 5 in 10 but now hasn't scored in 10 games. Last time out saw a scrappy 0-0 with Aston Villa (a couple of places below me) which wasn't the worst result.

Tactically I have switched back to 442. I abandoned it as I wanted to change the way we played. I didn't want to rely on an old fashioned 'get down the line and swing one in' game. But whilst my 4231 is great when we are winning, when we are in a funk we go missing. Wingers are too advanced, my AMC runs away from the ball, my striker is isolated, my full backs exposed. I tried using the MC's at DMC and the AMC at MC but rather than generate play from deep, it just seemed to completely nullify our attacking output.

18 games played. 18th place in the league, 3 points above the relegation spots.

But, hey, this happened: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152464158420743&set=vb.598400742&typ e=2&theater&notif_t=like

Black Dog Watch

* The slump in form bore all the hallmarks of previous slumps that resulted in rage quit. I had my first (fleeting) thought of restarting last night.

* Mindfulness teaches us not to judge, but to observe. Why did I want to quit? It appears that when the going gets tough, I get going. My gut reaction is that I don't want the fight, I just want the easy victory. Again, why? I think part of it is the result of years of mis-playing FM. I have probably got past Christmas once in the last 4 iterations of FM. A part of my mind thinks I simply must achieve success immediately, no matter how many times I remind myself that this is a long term save. Joy from this game comes from the challenge, something I will keep reminding myself of.

* This slump was in fact not like other slumps. Yes, we lost a bunch of games. But we won some too. And I am reacting, making informed changes to try and achieve a specific result, not simply resorting to tired ideas of what I think should work. Will it bring success? Who knows, but isn't that the point?

* Getting relegated would, as Kris noted somewhere above, almost be a blessing. Failing and having to rebuild may be the making of this save and would probably teach me far more than getting promoted. Yet in reality, I am not sure I could cope with the feelings of failure. Would I have the stomach for the battle to come again? I've got a young family, FM time is scarce. I'm not sure that I could countenance it.

* It remains an incredible source of frustration that we cannot close games out. I make what I think are logical changes to tighten up and yet we concede chances and ultimately goals on a consistent basis. Case in point: we went 4-0 up against Leyton Orient so I eased off the pressing, switched to counter and played more narrow. The result? Orient scored twice and created about 20 chances. Against QPR, I made no changes. Same result. These may simply be football issues (everything is complicated by the presence of the other team) but my negative bias tells me it is my fault. I am tactically not good enough to puzzle this out, my poor choices caused us to lose the game.

* The above is, as much as anything, a confidence issue. Confidence is a major real life issue for me, something that I am slowly rebuilding in my new job. In FM terms, despite my success, it still goes missing when I need to get down into the trenches. There are times when I want one of the experienced mods, or Miles himself, to pop up next to me and point out the changes I should make to get success.

* Balance is the key. As a counter point to my confidence issue, it is worth looking again at my team. They are crap, in all terms that are relative to the teams around me. Yet here we are, holding our own in the Championship. I think I can justifiably pat myself on the back for a job well done so far.

* As so often seems to be the way, whilst playing I become completely obsessed. I still haven't watched the last 2 episodes of Game of Thrones. I didn't watch the World Cup quarter finals because I was playing. I have 3 year old twins and a 7 week old who demand all my time and energy, yet I was up until 1am playing last night (must...stop...rot...before...bed). So once again, time to step away for a few days.

[dirkgently1066]

Well, the self imposed ban lasted about...6 hours. My midn couldn't leave it, I had to know if we could move clear of the relegation spots.

On the plus side, we've made it through to January. It has been a struggle but a couple of important wins have seen us move 6 points clear of the relegation places. The battle is made slightly easier by Bolton's 10 point deduction for going into administration, so effectively there are only two spots up for grabs.

The transfer window is open but I won't be making any big moves. Ideally I would like to ship a couple of guys out to balance the books but my squad is pretty thin. I have a number of contracts up at the end of the season so any I will renew judiciously. Hopefully I can add some quality from the loan market.

Black Dog Watch

* I made a big mistake last night. I have mentioned mindfulness a few times in this thread. For those who don't know the term, it is the act of living in the present, being more aware of your surroundings and teaching your mind to focus on the here and now, rather than drifting to the past or future. It is an important mental health tool to help combat stress. Last night I played a couple of games whilst trying to look after the kids. Not only did this mean that I wasn't concentrating on the games (we lost then both) but I got annoyed with the kids distracting me and ended up shouting at them. A lose-lose situation. FM is not FIFA, it is not an arcade game. It is a powerful simulation that demands your focus and attention to get the best out of it. Either go all in or stay clear.

* During this time, I came close to switching off. It wasn't so much rage quit as sad quit. I felt so distraught that we kept losing and that I felt powerless to do anything about it. My mind raced away about how I won't be able to write the new story I have planned, how this thread will die etc. I don't know why I continue to take the game so seriously but again, it is noticeable how quickly my perspective gets skewed and I jump into black and white, catastrophic thinking mode.

* On a positive note, I played a few more games when I had time to concentrate. Clearing my mind allowed me to step back and analyse. My 442 retained the problems that caused me to ditch it in the first place but my 4231 was too open. So, I spent a little time researching on forums and for the first time ever, I changed my wingers and AMC to support roles and my CM's to defensive roles. This is important to me because I am carving my own path to achieve a specific outcome, I am no longer constrained by what I think I am supposed to do, or what someone else has done. I am consciously sacraficing midfield runners from deep in return for protecting the back 4 and allowing the players in my attacking strata to operate as a unit. It is too early to say if it will work but last time out saw a 2-1 victory over West Ham (with a last minute winner).

Having pulled away a little bit, and demonstrated that we can pick up big points when needed, 1st Jan definitely seems like a good place to pause for thought for a few days.

[dirkgently1066]

Just control what you control. If you tried your best, you don't need to regret anything. Live in the moment. If something bad happens tomorrow, it'll happen. Focus on what you have to do now, and everything else will take care of itself.

I find asking 'What if' a waste of time. Of course you could try harder on a gazillion things you do in life. Hindsight is 20/20. Life deals you a hand. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad. Sometimes life is hopeless. But ya know, you might not be able to change your start, but you sure can change middle and the end.

Trust me, as a new graduate, I'm terrified that I'll be unemployed for the rest of my life (we all got our own problems man and I'm no different despite all my advice ). But it all comes back to being positive. Believe in your abilities and your strengths, and everything will work out. If one does not have self-belief, then it will be hard for others to believe in you.

If you think you can do it, then you can. It's pretty simple.

Thanks for your contributions Rancer890.

Agree with everything you said apart from one small thing. Rather than 'thinking positively', I have learnt the importance of thinking with balance. Positive thinking can, in its own way, be as unhealthy as negative thinking. If we set ourselves up to always see the positive outcome and it doesn't happen, there is only one direction to go. A balanced outlook embraces all the things you have said - believe in yourself, work hard, live in the now - but accepts that, no matter how much work you put in, sometimes things still might not go your way. A healthy mind learns to accept this as a part of life and deals with it accordingly.

I'm not there yet. I understand the theory, the practice is far harder to implement. But life is a journey.

[rancer890]

I actually had a long post to write, but it got overwritten for some reason.

Yes, positive thinking may be bad, and yes, you do need to have realistic expectations and goals in your subconsciousness, but I still think that being positive and an optimist have goods that far outweigh the bads. You may or may not control your outcomes, but you sure can control your reactions to said outcomes. Even if outcomes are not ideal, a positive mindset allows to trudge through those tough times.

[dirkgently1066]

It feels good jumping back into the game after a little break.

28 games played now and we are in 17th place, moving comfortably away from relegation. I even had a fleeting look last night to see if we could possibly reach the play offs! 11 points away is not insurmountable but we are simply too inconsistent at the moment.

Financially the team are in a bit of a hole. Our average attendance of 4.5k doesn't help and so the likelihood of signing anyone decent in pre season is low. This is a real test of recruitment skills but I can be confident from my experiences up to now. Who woulda thunk it - I'm pretty good at this management lark you know!

Black Dog Watch

* I have been chopping and changing my tactics but now with a real sense of purpose. In the past, it was a desperate reaction to what I saw, just trying anything or falling back on old patterns. Now, I have developed the flexibility to think about what changes I am making.

* I'm not sure tactically how I want to line up but I have the confidence now to plan it out in my mind and then try and execute. Achieving safety from relegation gives me the freedom to be able to try things without the fear of them going horribly wrong. I would like to develop something utilising attacking full backs rather than wingers, bringing those players in field. Trouble is, the squad I have built is fairly limited in that I am almost tied into playing wingers. Pre season should be fun next year.

* Looking back, I can see that I have been trying to play the game during the midst of quite an intense depressive episode (which I have written about here http://www.readwave.com/the-kids-are-alright-i-m-getting-better-man_s54954). With this context, it is not surprising that my concentration, tolerance and patience often deserted me. One of the most important lessons I have learned is that we must be kind to ourselves. I am proud of myself for coming through the other side (again) and am really looking forward to the future of this save again.

[dirkgently1066]

Every time I learn something new it pushes old stuff out of my brain

At the outset of this thread, I had intended that this save would act as a kind of therapy, a way of exploring my real life mental health issues in a 'safe' environment.

But today I came to a realisation, one that I was not expecting.

Real life has taught me something about Football Manager.

I have been in my new job for 7 months now. Slowly but surely, my confidence has started to come back and I am now able to look around and see where I fit.

Life isn't a test to pass or fail

We do not need to blunder on, blinkered from the world. We don't need to know everything all the time. Sometimes, other people are more knowledgeable, more experienced, more skilled. And that's okay. Do not judge yourself against them, do not paint yourself as inferior. Learn from them.

I used to have a silly saying at work. 'There are no stupid questions, just stupid people'.

Perhaps it's time to adopt a new mantra. 'The only stupid question is the one you don't ask'.

It's okay to be 'good enough'

We cannot be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone admits to them. We learn more in defeat than we do in victory.

Being 'good enough' is not an excuse for not trying, it is not a free pass to mediocrity. But it is an acknowledgement that unrelenting standards, of continually judging yourselves against your biased perception of others, is not healthy.

Be kind to yourself

Readers of this blog probably realise by now that I am quick to label myself and my actions, to assume I am at fault, to doubt my own abilities.

It is time to retake some of the confidence back.

I am intelligent. I am adaptable. I am calm under pressure. I naturally lead, I learn quickly and I figure things out. I can be proud of myself

What does this mean for FM?

I've got promoted from the Skirll South to the Championship. That's is pretty good going by anyone's standard.

I might not be a tactical guru but I figure it out, I make the best of what I have.

I make some mistakes too. But that's okay. I'm not perfect, no one is.

And who wants to be perfect anyway?

[dirkgently1066]

I actually had a long post to write, but it got overwritten for some reason.

Yes, positive thinking may be bad, and yes, you do need to have realistic expectations and goals in your subconsciousness, but I still think that being positive and an optimist have goods that far outweigh the bads. You may or may not control your outcomes, but you sure can control your reactions to said outcomes. Even if outcomes are not ideal, a positive mindset allows to trudge through those tough times.

Agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments.

One of the many things therapy taught me was that different things work for different people. For instance I really connected with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but it left others cold.

I think the key is, whatever your method - balanced thinking, positive thinking, yoga, acupuncture - if it works, keep doing it my friend!

[dirkgently1066]

The Black Dog Chronicle

It's here!

Pop over to the FM Stories section to see the adventures of Sutton Utd, lived out in the style of a local newspaper.

See! the new man take charge and lead Sutton to the top of the league.

Gasp! as back to back promotions take The U's to the Football League.

Wonder! as the FA inexplicably ask all teams to replay half the season after an administrative error loses all the results.

Rant! as the press uncover some dark secrets about the man in charge and his ability to lead is called into question.

All this and more, only in the Black Dog Chronicle!

http://community.sigames.com/showthread.php/394310-The-Black-Dog-Chronicle

[dirkgently1066]

Just a handful of games tonight. After 32 games, we sit in 14th place. Our record reads 13-5-14 with 45 scored and 42 conceded. Our points haul of 45 puts us 13 clear of the relegation spots and 8 away from the play offs. Surely not...

The confidence of moving clear of relegation has given me the freedom to try new things and also to start putting into practice some of the things I have see. Having read the forums for so long, I have seen the 'gurus' comment on the importance of linking your striker to midfield, creating runs from deep etc. But for the first time, I see it!

I made a change to my 4231, switching my striker to attacking and AMC to support. I noticed immediately that my striker was too far ahead of play, he was offering nothing unless we played a perfect through ball, unlikely with this mob.

Then I switched to 4411 with a balanced philosophy, setting my striker to support and my AMC to attack. The result, it played like a 442, my AMC pushed so far up that he may as well be a striker.

These may be simple concepts to others but it is illuminating for me to recognise them for myself and start puzzling out how to fix them.

My latest creation is a 4141. My wide midfielders are set to support and cut in with two CWB running past them. An anchor in midfield sits behind a B2B and a CM(a) with a False 9 up front. It is designed to give me penetration from deep, overlapping and 2 on 1 situations against their full backs and an overload in the box when we break.

2 games played, 2 comprehensive wins, including a fantastic 3-1 win at Nottm Forest. I am not naive enough to think it is perfect but it is a promising start. but to be honest, the most important thing is not the tactic itself but how I arrived at it.

I had planned on revamping the squad next year but given our limited resources, I think it best to retain the players I have. I simply don't have the budget to try and rebuild the squad, we'll have to make do and try to add where we can.

Black Dog Watch

I feel like I am coming back out of another depressive episode, although I remain conscious of how sensitive I am to perceived negative comments and criticisms. The clarity of thought is a blessing. I feel positive at the moment.

[dirkgently1066]

Frustrating game time last night.

First the positives. After 38 games, we remain 10 points clear of the relegation places and sit comfortably in 12th place, a really good season. But...

I had high hopes for the formation i designed, especially after securing back to back victories. But last night it took me to four blanks, drawing twice and losing twice. I switched back to my 4231 and eked out a victory but the damage was done. My hopes of making the play offs have suffered a big dent and realistically, I think that faint hope has gone.

I am very frustrated because I thought I had figured something out with this formation. However I noticed that we just weren't getting enough bodies forward and weren't creating enough. It seemed to work as a formation to play against bigger teams on the counter but isn't something I can rely on full time.

My 4231 is okay but it doesn't play quite how I would like. My wingers get beyond the striker, which is nice, but they end up being the players in the best goal scoring positions without the ability to finish off chances. I am toying with going back to a 442. It is a flexible base that can be altered based on roles and duties and I think, for now, it may help me achieve what I want. It feels a step backwards in a way but we'll see.

Again, the most important thing is that I don't really care. It doesn't matter what formation we play, I have removed the mental shackle that constantly tried to define what my style was. I will be flexible depending on personnel and requirements.

[dirkgently1066]

Two games left and we are comfortable in mid table. It is disappointing that our form has deserted us just when I thought we could have a real run at the play offs but let's be fair - first season in the Championship, survival is all that matters.

Black Dog Watch

* I had been in a pretty decent mental state but it is amazing how quickly things can change. I noticed it in real life as I overreacted (in my own mind) to two innocuous bits of banter at work. Then in game, my mood very quickly wound up to exasperated after a couple of set backs.

* I had been pleased with myself for designing a new tactic, only to find that it's rubbish! I utilised it against Derby and we put in the worst 45 minutes I can ever remember, despite going in 0-0. This prompted a spate of chopping and changing as I desperately switched from 4141 to 433 to 442 to 4231, then from Rigid, to Fluid to Balance and back to the start again.

* I seem to have lost me way again. I thought I had turned a tactical corner, developing something that worked based on logic. But it doesn't work and I don't know why. I can see some things I don't like - in a 442, we just played in straight lines with no runners from deep, in a 4231 the wingers got too advanced and the full backs played like drunks - but I can't quite seem to figure out how to implement exactly what I want. This is no longer an identity issue, this is simply a logic and intelligence issue.

* That being said, last time out, with a slight tweak to roles, my 4141 saw us take a comprehensive 3-0 victory. It didn't really play how I wanted as I didn't get enough runners in the box but it seemed to work.

* I'll have a decision to make in pre season. The safe option is to continue with the current squad, relying on some of my old tactical ideas that have worked in the past. The risky option is to try and build a new group with a tactical plan in mind. I quite fancy building a 4132, utilising 3 cm's and really attacking full backs. It presents a risk for two reasons. 1) I have no idea if it will work; 2) it will require reshaping my squad, the danger being that I let some players go who don't fit the system (ie wingers) but am unable to recruit good enough replacements. I'm torn at this point. Ultimately any decision will likely come down to budget.