Hometown 'Hero'

Game overview:

Leagues: England, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales (all leagues playable)

Database: Large, all players from UK and Ireland included.

Approximate player count: 31000

It's cold. It's grey. It's windy. Nothing like living in a coastal town in South Wales, an area of the world that tolerable weather forgot. There's no prospects here, nothing to do, nobody worth knowing. Unless a career in the steelworks seems appealing, you need to leave this place if you want to make something of your life.

I don't have much going for me: I'm unemployed, a 26 year old whose 'fledgling' career as a Sunday League footballer was curtailed by a serious ankle injury which now renders me unable to walk without a noticeable limp. I do nothing but sit around the house scratching my balls and watching reruns of Come Dine with Me; it's a grim existence.

Last night, during one of my frequent trips to the Wetherspoons in the town centre, I bumped into the chairman of Port Talbot Town FC chairman Andrew Edwards. Now, I can't remember much of what I said to him, but I do remember giving him my phone number and asking him to get in touch if he needs a manager. He seemed quite amused, and maybe impressed by my chutzpah, but i'm not sure if he took too kindly to my comment: 'Does anyone really care about such a pointless club? You may as well give me the job. After all, it's not as if I can do a worse job than the mug in charge.'

I don't know who is in charge of the club. I never go to watch Port Talbot games. I have no interest in the Welsh Premier League. Nobody does. But I reckon I could do a decent job. Management can't be that hard.

Anyway, I don't want to carry on talking about this. It's not as if i'm going to get the job. That would be insane. I'm off to the local to drink overpriced Guinness. Fun times indeed.

Sh*t, I got the job! That's mental. Andrew Edwards must be insane. He rang me up at half 11 last night while I was down the pub and casually asked whether I wanted the job. He's lucky I was suitably loaded on stout or I would have spent the next hour asking him whether he was taking the **** out of me and subsequently calling him a dick.

I headed down to the club this morning and have spent the whole day meeting, greeting, transfer listing, attempting to terminate, severing ... It's been a fun day. I'm expected to gain Europa League qualification this year. I was thinking of telling them that a title challenge should be expected from me, a naturally gifted manager, but there's no need to inflate expectations here. After all, nobody gives a sh*t. I wouldn't have got the job if anyone here was taking things seriously to be honest.

Me and Edwards have already had a little falling out over my decision to sever links with Port Talbot's 'parent club', Swansea City. It took me a while to get him to understand that I hate everything about the club and everyone affiliated with it, and I would rather eat my own fecal matter than have to even consider acting amiably towards anyone there, but I think he understands now.

Right now, i'm trying to bring a few players in. Even though my scout is utter sh*t, so sh*t that I actually tried to terminate his contract earlier (he wanted two grand compo! I don't even think the club has that much money), he recommended a few players that actually did seem half decent when I checked them out. A few contracts have been offered and I better hear back from the bastards soon.

I got bored so decided to give my entire playing and backroom staff nicknames. I don't know whether I will be mentioning the nicknames to their faces (don't think sh*t scout will appreciate being called that), but it's nice to have these in my head:

There's 37 days until my first friendly against Gillingham so I have a lot of time to sort things out. Sorry diary but I won't be able to inform you of my exploits for a few days. I have a football club to manage.

Lol, fantastic start to what promises to be a hugely entertaining thread

im more shocked at the 7 posts in 5 years And 2 of those are here? One post a year is good going lol.

the manager of Port Talbot currently Mark Jones takes our training sometimes IRL

It's been quite a busy month to say the least. The realisation that the squad is utter sh*te and that I have no money at all to improve it is initially hard to take, but I had no choice but to get used to it. My scouts had to work overtime to find players who were actually better than what I had, and to be fair to them, they barely managed it.

The scout I brought in, Hard Gwyn, who gets payed substantially less than sh*t Scout, is definitely more competent but hasn't been finding me the standard of player that I expected. There's too many 'potentially good' players being found rather than ones who can actually do the job now. I need them NOW.

Another massive pain in the arse is the fact that many of the rubbish players who I've told over and over again will never play for the club again won't budge. Every time a club comes in for them, they refuse to even consider the offer. It really is becoming a problem. If it was cheaper, I would just hire a hit-man and be done with it. Or throw them in a shipping container and send them to Eastern Europe. Anything to get them away.

Despite this annoyance however, I have managed to bring in quite a few new faces, twelve to be exact, who will definitely improve the squad. My personal favourite is Christ Himself, who has enough talent to play in a far better league than this one. The ten Port Talbot fans are jizzing themselves with excitement about this lad!

I also did manage to offload a few: Blaine went on loan to former title contenders Rhyl after refusing to leave on a permanent deal (dick); Nick Netherlands pissed off to Goytre (sh*t hole); and Rog agreed to a contract termination after telling me I was a c*nt and threatening to 'shank' me the next time I was in Chester, which was never a place I planned on frequenting.

Here's a nice overview of my transfers that I compiled:

My first match as a manager is just two hours away now. We take on Gillingham and it gives me a chance to see just how good the new boys are. I don't expect victory but I don't expect us to get embarrassed either. As long as the boys show they are capable of playing football, I won't be too annoyed.

This will be my last entry until I'm done with the friendlies. There will be hopefully be more signings and outgoings to report when I get done with pre-season. Off for a pre-match pint in the local now. Good luck to myself.

The season begins tomorrow afternoon. It's Airbus away. Off to the middle of nowhere. I have to write this tonight as I will be on the bog-standard coach with the boys first thing tomorrow morning. Seeing the awful transportation we have to use, I am reminded of cramped car journeys to rugby matches when I was a boy. And I was sh*t at rugby too.

Pre-season went alright off the pitch, not so great on it. To be fair, I didn't expect much. Seeing as the side has been entirely transformed since I turned up, I wasn't expecting fireworks over night. The PT revolution will take a few months to kick into gear and I hope the fans, all 5 of them, can accept that.

From looking at that, it's clear that scoring goals was a problem for the side initially, but it all came together against pretty local rivals Bridgend, a place I loathe and could barely bare to stay for the entire match. We had gone one down before the side finally clicked in the second half. It's easier just to show the screen so here it is:

There has been a few more ins and outs since the last entry. We've brought a few young Welsh prospects in: Baby Kyle and LeeMc looking like players who will develop into top performers in this division. However, it's the purchase of The Fisk that has excited me, if not the fans, the most. That bloke is captain material no doubt about it! Not this season though. Gaz Philly is El Capitan for the time being, even though he will probably not be first choice in a few weeks time. Ah well. Hope he takes it alright.

Coch should have been on the list of outgoings, but the ******* rejected a loan move to Haverfordwest. I don't know why. It's not THAT bad an area after all. It's certainly better than Port Talbot, Neath or Newport, the last three slums that he's chosen to live in. Luckily for him, Mads suffered a stress fracture to the back during a lively training session so for now, he's sort of in the plans. He thinks i'm a dick, but is professional enough to put business before personal feelings. He's still a w*nker though.

It's about time I get some sleep before the match. I hope to see one or two PT fans at the Airbus ground, even though I doubt it. For good reason. I certainly wouldn't choose to attend. Good luck to me again!

Bloody hell, what a month! This football management lark is hard work. I've overseen three league matches since my last update, and each one managed to be dramatic, nail biting, tense, and every other word you can use to describe stressful situations (I prefer the traditional Welsh 'sh*tting yourself' to be honest).

The Airbus encounter was a fun one. The ramshackle coach managed to break down on the way to the ground and the only way we got to the match on time is because one of the boys had a brother who owned a taxi rank and was willing to send out a few to get us there. No charge either.

We really should have won. If it wasn't for Gaff making a gaff, and my strikers missing everything, it would have been a well-earned victory. Sadly, he decided to drop the ball over the line. Needless to say, he's now been dropped. See what I did there? No? Ok.

Despite my disappointment, it was still a decent result, and we headed back home for the TNS encounter in good spirits. I knew we had the quality to get a result, but I didn't really trust our defence. And TNS are actually good so I was even more worried.

The last ten minutes were TENSE. Luckily for us, the TNS players were just as awful as ours in the shooting department so managed to miss everything. Our sh*t keeper didn't even need to make a notable save and they only scored because we're f*cking incapable of defending corners. Once again, Red Rose was the man, showing why he was one of the few originals I actually let stay.

The weekend after, another Friday night encounter beckoned us, with Carmarthen being the destination. It was nice to actually travel to a decent area for once, and it will be even nicer to travel to top of the table Aberystwyth in ten days time. I went to university there and to say it's better than Port Talbot is such an understatement that I refuse to make the effort to tell people.

It turns out that the Carmarthen match was ridiculously stressful. Wonderful for the 288 in attendance but f*cking hell! Despite the early goal, we were appalling in the first half, seeming unable to complete even the most basic of passes. The fact that we were one up at half time is a testament to Carmarthen's awful finishing and Captain Gaz Philly's previously unknown ability to score a goal. He certainly doesn't show it in training. One time, he managed to direct the ball straight at my face on the half way line when he was aiming for goal. Nearly suspended the ******* for that.

Lloydy was awful, Moses is a pyschopath who manages to get himself booked even if I tell him to not tackle the player running at him, and the Fisk is a heroic man. The goal he scored was one of the best i've ever seen. A thirty year volley into the top corner. Fair f*cking play.

Cathy's goal was great too. With Irish Dunne injured, he's shown me that he's actually better, and I think his partnership with Red Rose could develop into something magical.

Going into the match with Aber, who have managed to score 10 goals and concede just one in their first three matches, winning all of them, I have a few injuries. Christ Himself tragically pulled his hammy in the TNS match and will be out for around six weeks, and Baby Kyle may miss the match with a gashed arm. Yes, he's a pussy. If he wasn't so young I would tell him to man the f*ck up, but he's a puppy. I can not shout at him. Be like punching a foetus.

There's a few little things I want to rant about before I finish this update: my scouts being unable to find left sided midfielders, meaning that I am forced to play the 4-3-1-2 system; the lazy bastards who can't handle my training schedule meaning that I have to move them to the lighter one so they don't start crying; and ******* such as Lohn who keep bitching at me because I can't find a club who wants them. It's not my fault that they're sh*t is it? (at least I managed to get shot of Thomp. Off to Caersws he went.

And the last thing: here's the league table. We go top if we win. I'm hopeful, but seeing as the defence is sh*te, I dread to think what their front-line could do. A rape may be on the cards.

Cracking thread. Keep it up, it's funny stuff!

Friday night in Llanelli. Sounds like the title of a horror film. It's a sh*t day here and I wish we didn't have to go through with this match. The scheduling is horrendous. Our last match was on f*cking WEDNESDAY in Bala and two days later, we've had to travel to this dump to play one of the top sides in the league. We barely had time to head home for f*cks sake. The Fisk is so tired that I don't even know if he can manage to sit on the bench without passing out.

Apart from the utter incompetence of the FAW and everyone else involved with this league, it's been a good month, though it did not start well. As predicted by me, our defence was sh*te against Aberystwyth. It didn't help that we had to contend with life failure Sean Thornton, who is way too good for this league and should f*ck off out of it, but our defence could have coped a bit ... sorry, I mean a LOT, better. Lloydy was abominable, so abominable that The a** Man told him straight and has spent the last month demanding that I drop him. I reckon they should fight it out. If Lloydy wins, he stays in the team. Good management idea there.

It was actually a decent display from us, in the second half anyway. We were f*cking awful in the first. As usual, we had loads of shots on goal but ended up ballooning them over the net. I keep telling them, especially Captain Gaz, to stop with the Hollywood efforts, but the c*nt ignores me.

After this defeat, which got them a bollocking off me, we were blessed with some easy ties. Home matches against Newtown and Prestatyn were as intimidating as a disabled midget and away to Bala was a match I knew we could win quite comfortably. I demanded that the boys picked up 9 points from the three to keep pace with Aber, and fair play to them, they did it.

Once again, the finishing was dog sh*t. We outclassed Newtown and Prestatyn to the point where I think they would have conceded the match given the choice, but the boys forgot that you're supposed to aim the ball for the net, not the f*cking sky. After the Prestatyn shambles, I got them in for six hours of attack practice. Everyone. Even the defenders, who had actually learned how to defend after the Aber match.

Turns out the practice helped. By our standards, we were clinical against Bala. Red Rose was wonderful and Big Bass showed me a level of finishing which he had never showed in training. Thanks to that, he gets a start. Hope he doesn't let me down.

Not much else to report. Christ Himself is fit and gets on the bench tonight which is great news. It doesn't seem that Lloydy can function without Christ next to him. It could be love ... LOVE, LOVE, DA DA.

Also, we brought in a new full back who I call Dai because his name is David and I am an original *******. He was wonderful on his debut against Prestatyn, has a lovely Aberdeen accent, and can play on both flanks. I love him. He gets a start tonight ahead of Psycho Moses who will struggle to get his place back to be honest.

Ok, I have to get to the ground now. The a** Man is having a go because i've put Lloydy back in. f*cking hell. Good luck to me.

Some good results to start with. Well written posts too

Love the style of this thread.

I can't believe what I just witnessed:

Absolutely incredible. I just got out of the post-match press conference and couldn't help but shout 'they were f*cking outstanding' when asked about the performance. Despite the fatigue, or apparent fatigue based on that showing, we looked energetic, composed, and lethal in the attacking department. For the second time in three days, Red Rose was incredible, giving hell to the Llanelli defenders, and DW continued to show why he's the best attacking midfielder in the league right now.

Even Lloydy was brilliant, which pleased The a** Man no end! Ah, what a wonderful, wonderful display. We're top of the league. Yes, Aber have two games in hand but that doesn't change the fact. The only thing I am worrying about now is possible overconfidence creeping into the side, and even into me. We all need to have a good weekend and then realise that there's a long season ahead.

At the moment, I do feel like a managerial genius. My signings are performing, my tactic is working brilliantly, and most of the players don't think i'm a dick. Cracking.

One inconvenience that won't go away is my scouts inability to find a left winger. I don't get it. They find more than enough right f*cking wingers. Jesus. I hate them. Useless dicks. With an inconvenience comes a convenience, with Biddy f*cking off to Bisca in January. All he's done is bitch about not getting a starting place, and it took quite a lot of restraint to not tell him why he doesn't start. Utter sh*t. At least he will be able to play at his level now. A low, low level.

Before I head to bed, I have to ask myself why people consider Llanelli - PT to be a big rivalry? The fans apparently care, but I don't know why. If there's a side in the Welsh premier league that don't have to worry about local rivals, it's Port Talbot. For f*cks sake, the Lido are in our league, and the Lido is in Port f*cking Talbot. Well, it was. The Lido actually burned down so it's just an abandoned building right now [This is actually true.]

Also, our next tie is an actual local derby against Neath. I want us to destroy those bastards. A side with Lee Trundle in it is a side that I want to see suffer. However, he is good. I will be making sure that the guys now that a broken leg for him will bring rewards.

Before I head off, i'm going to leave myself with a little reminder of the good times in case they go bad:

I'm off to get pissed.

f*cking Airbus. But more on that later. A lot has happened since the post-Llanelli celebrations died down. We welcomed local rivals Neath to our lair; them with their money and former half-decent Swansea players, us with our never have beens and no money at all. It was sure to be a cracking tussle. Neath were the form side in the league, ahead of us and even ahead of Aber. Their manager, Terry Boyle, pipped me to the manager of the month award which pissed me off no end. At least he didn't gloat however. Medieval carnage would have ensued if he'd mouthed off.

So it was all set to be a cracker. Then the match started. The first half was awful, so awful that we didn't even manage to miss about twenty chances; we just didn't have any. I shouted at them a bit at half time and then it all kicked off:

Two own goals, sh*t defending, late drama ... the second half certainly was fun. Both our goals were conceded due to dipsh*t defending at set pieces, which is a problem that still hasn't been fully rectified. Our goals were scored due to mindless, abominable defending from Neath, who decided that it would be a good idea to try and run through DW. Rookie mistake.

After beating an actual rival, and at home, the fans were pretty happy. Pints were bought, deference was shown, legs were opened ... it was a good Sunday. All I had to do then was prepare for the Loosemores Cup 1st round match away to TNS. Needless to say, I couldn't give a toss about the competition, so the reserves were given a chance to show that they weren't as sh*t as I thought. Well, turns out, they were sh*t:

It's a minor miracle that we managed to go in at half time in the lead. We were really awful and only got the goal due to DW leading a counter from a corner and setting up Big Bass. Although we were awful, we were sort of defending alright. And then Psycho Moses got injured. He had a baddy elbow. A man would have carried on, but Moses is a little bitch when it's all said and done.

After that, we were f*cked. There wasn't a left back or a right back on the bench, so I had to move the really not very good Coch there, and unsurprisingly, he got raped for the next half hour.

All their goals were headers. Every one. Utter dog sh*t performance it was.

With that distraction out of the way, it was back to the league against Airbus. I expected a victory and a comfortable one, seeing as Airbus were sh*t against a sh*tter version of our side on the opening day. But what happened? Well, the same f*cking thing as on the opening day!

It seems that we've forgotten how to kick a football again. Even Red Rose was wasteful! In the second half, I decided to bring on Irish Dunne, who has been bitching along with Cummin' about not getting enough games. Nothing to do with his sh*t performances of course. So there he is, with a chance to show that he's not sh*t, and what happens? He plays sh*t. And now he's injured. f*ck him.

I'm currently in the grim North because we're taking on the champions. They have been quite sh*t this season but still have the funds and talent to launch a title bid. However, I expect us to win. Even if we have a few injuries, Griff being the most notable absence, if we play like we have been in the league, there shouldn't be a problem. Of course, saying that means we will lose. Obviously.

Before I go and meet the lads, let me just inform you, my dear blog, that I have managed to offload a few more of the deadwood. Brooker, Cotts and Marty are on a one-way ticket to mediocrity. Bye. You will not be missed or remembered.

And now to the big match. Good luck me. (yes, it's kind of my thing. I will carry on doing it. If it bothers you, f*ck off.)

Quality thread.

Good read, keep it up

Well, October turned out to be pretty ****. We've forgotten how to score goals again, and due to this, our record for the month shows only one win which was the Neath result. In our defence though, the two away ties after the Airbus encounter were against two of the top sides in the league, so I am not THAT disappointed.

The match against the champions turned out to be a bore for the 259 in attendance, not one being a PT fan. We were pretty **** but luckily, so were they. A really awful match.

Just three days later (yes, I ****ing LOVE the scheduling of fixtures in this league. ****ing LOVE it.), we were off to Oswestry to face TNS, or The New Saints, or formerly Total Network Solutions. Not a real club in all honesty. Once again, we were pretty ****. One of our strengths early on had been our ability to retain possession but in the last few matches, our passing has been abominable. I really wish our ****ing scouts could find a left ****ing winger so I could play a 4-4-2 and could show some tactical versatility, but they are **** so I can't. We went in at half time ahead thanks to a great strike from DW, my man of the season, but we were really poor in the second half and were lucky to escape with a draw. In the end, a decent result, but not the performance of title contenders.

It would have been nice to have been given a weeks break, something that we hadn't experienced for a good while, but nope. It was back home for Carmarthen on the Friday after, and in my mind, I was expecting a good win. However, our strikers forgot how to be strikers. Awful finishing when dominant in possession = pissed off manager. We shouldn't have lost but only had ourselves to blame. A very, very disappointing way for our unbeaten run in the league to end.

They were ****ing stinking as you can see why. It's a shame that the ref didn't possess a pair of balls. After this result, I was pissed off. I had The Ass Man telling me to drop Matty and Keysy, not seeming to realise that there's nobody to take their places, and had players starting to bitch and moan during training sessions. Seeing things turn sour, I decided to call a team meeting that took place yesterday. It went ****. Gaz pissed a few players off by being an overzealous dick and a lot of the boys didn't seem to want to listen to me. **** them.

I'm about to head to the ground as we're catching a bus to Newtown for tomorrow evening's tie. We should win but our form has been so crap recently that I wouldn't be surprised if we bottle it again. Before I do head off, here's a look at the league table to see how things are going. Aber are taking the **** really. We're in a decent position but a **** November could change everything, and that would be tragic as we have to finish in the top 6 or we will be stuck in the relegation group for the second half of the season (Welsh Premier League rules will be explained at a later point. All you need to know for now is that they're ****.)

Bye followers.

Quality reading .

Hope the congestion eases.

Reminds of me old The Dugout lower league stories. You're not Vic Flange, are you?

Only two matches have been played since my last update, but it has been a busy few weeks for me. There have been in-comings, outgoings, and whiny little bitches demanding to leave the club. Oh, and a few injuries too.

This week, we welcomed two new players to the club, Kinsy, a central midfielder, and Big Head, a pacey striker. By adding strength to the midfield and forward areas, we can hopefully revive the form that made us genuine title contenders.

Even better news for me is that a few of the big earners have been offloaded. Say goodbye to Lohn and Leigh De, who will be moving on to Haverfordwest and Bridgend respectively. I hope they show their new clubs just why I was so keen for them to **** off.

Another potential outgoing is Irish Dunne. He has handed in a transfer request and will be off if I can find any club willing to take him. For a bloke who hasn't scored one goal since he moved here, he sure does think a lot of himself. Shockingly enough, not one club has expressed an interest. What a f*cking surprise.

Now, on to the matches. There's not much to report, except that our finishing has still not improved. The stats from the Newtown match say it all really. Seriously. I have nothing else to say.

f*ck.

Luckily, our next match was the FAW Welsh Cup third round tie against lowly amateur side Ruthin. The match was also at home so there wasn't even the potential tricky away tie proposition to worry about. Seeing as we could only lose this if our players literally didn't try, I decided to give the fringe players a chance.

Yes, quite sh*t finishing again. We may have scored three but should have put six past such a sh*t side. At least Cortz got his first goal for the club and, along with Big Bass, will get the chance to prove himself in the league when we take on Prestatyn tomorrow in yet another away tie.

In injury news, Keysy managed to break his toe in training after Captain Gaz run into him. This injury will keep him out for two months and is a massive blow seeing as he's the most versatile player in the squad. The left back that never plays, Keds, also managed to injure himself during the same session, spraining his knee.

Despite his sadistic team-mate injuring side, Gaz is a wanted man. Apparently, TNS are after him. To be honest, if they are willing to give me CASH MONEY, I may let him go. He's a great guy and a very useful player but he is getting on and I don't want too many guys older than me in the side. However, after finding out that we have to play TNS yet again, this time in the Welsh cup, and yet again away from home, I don't want former players potentially f*cking me over.

Well, it's time for some sleep. Off to Prestatyn tomorrow to see if we can learn how to kick a ball into a net. It will probably be sh*t again. Will be back to update at the end of the month. BYEEEEEEE.

Despite a lot of starred out words, you've had a good start to the season. Best of luck. You'll need it in Wales!

Love the layout!