I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas...

[Terk]

Bagpuss was, quite literally, rolling in cash. Having made his millions in an endeavour that he described as "selling nuclear secrets to Iran", he was now thoroughly enjoying the benefits that obscene monetary value could bring to life; hell, it could even get him laid despite being voted Ugliest Man on the Planet for five consecutive years. But endless wish fulfillment and the ability to buy anything he wanted was beginning to get boring for Bagpuss. He needed a new challenge, one that would test even his new found abilities to the very limit. The answer was blindingly obvious.

--

"But I've already had my shirt printed up and everything. You've gotta let me play."

"Seriously, no. Look at you, you haven't the fitness or stamina to last five minutes on a football field. If I'm paying for this then you can forget being a player, you fat git. What name did you put on the shirt anyway?"

"I was going for the whole Brazilian style name thing."

"What name?"

"Terkaldinho." It was the raucous laughter after I'd said that which probably hurt most, as if being taunted by Bagpuss hadn't been bad enough. The creation of an FMS team had fired within me the dream of playing professional football, but as had been so kindly put to me, my frame was hardly one of the svelte, modern-day footballer. Hell, I was even fatter than Jan Mølby. Now (once more, those of you with decent memories might say) I had to make do with the job of moulding my fellow internet geeks into something resembling a football side.

With the clocks magically rolled back on each participant to make them just eighteen years of age once more (that would be some seriously marketable technology), the shiny new Stade de Mao awaiting the chance to host their exploits, and a place in the English Conference South bought through underhand means (Bagpuss was far too cheap to stump up the cash for a place higher in the league ladder), the regulars of FMS were ready to take on the world (or Weston-super-Mare) and the don was nowhere to be seen.

[Terk]

Bagpuss was, quite literally, rolling in cash. Having made his millions in an endeavour that he described as "selling nuclear secrets to Iran", he was now thoroughly enjoying the benefits that obscene monetary value could bring to life; hell, it could even get him laid despite being voted Ugliest Man on the Planet for five consecutive years. But endless wish fulfillment and the ability to buy anything he wanted was beginning to get boring for Bagpuss. He needed a new challenge, one that would test even his new found abilities to the very limit. The answer was blindingly obvious.

--

"But I've already had my shirt printed up and everything. You've gotta let me play."

"Seriously, no. Look at you, you haven't the fitness or stamina to last five minutes on a football field. If I'm paying for this then you can forget being a player, you fat git. What name did you put on the shirt anyway?"

"I was going for the whole Brazilian style name thing."

"What name?"

"Terkaldinho." It was the raucous laughter after I'd said that which probably hurt most, as if being taunted by Bagpuss hadn't been bad enough. The creation of an FMS team had fired within me the dream of playing professional football, but as had been so kindly put to me, my frame was hardly one of the svelte, modern-day footballer. Hell, I was even fatter than Jan Mølby. Now (once more, those of you with decent memories might say) I had to make do with the job of moulding my fellow internet geeks into something resembling a football side.

With the clocks magically rolled back on each participant to make them just eighteen years of age once more (that would be some seriously marketable technology), the shiny new Stade de Mao awaiting the chance to host their exploits, and a place in the English Conference South bought through underhand means (Bagpuss was far too cheap to stump up the cash for a place higher in the league ladder), the regulars of FMS were ready to take on the world (or Weston-super-Mare) and the don was nowhere to be seen.

[HD]

\O/

[Terk]

Yes, I'm at it again. Another FMS team story (well, I think the last time I failed it was still CMS, but let's not be pedantic). This one will probably die within a week again, but hey, I'm nothing if not persistently irritating.

My apologies if you haven't made it into my squad, had to draw the line somewhere, and also if I have offended you with my choice of nationality for those in the squad (for some I had no idea, so merely guessed. I thought about making PM7 an Englishman, but why upset an old man?)

Enjoy. That's an order.

[Terk]

It was a fiercely hot July afternoon when the newly formed FMS squad first came together at their new London base. Bagpuss’ initial idea had been to base the side in Carlisle, or wherever else it was ‘oop north’ that he hailed from (as he claimed Manchester United support, it was certain not to be there) but a thorough beating from Raptor (isn’t that the most unlikely phrase ever used?) quickly talked him down from that cliff.

The naming of the stadium had been another cause for war, Peacemaker7 was adamant that, as the greatest writer ever to grace FMS – proven by his award count – the ground should clearly be named after him, but given the fact that he was in the final stretch of life and that flipsix was almost certain to overtake his tally at the next awards ceremony, nobody paid much attention to him. Eventually, the Stade de Mao was agreed upon, a 50,000 all-seater arena to hold an expected crowd of around five. Who says excess isn’t fun?

To have anything like a chance of success, a decent sized squad would be needed, especially given that there would be neither players sold nor players signed for the duration of the adventure. Twenty-five was the agreed upon number, and it became my job sort out the sh*t from the slightly sh*tter.

--

The Squad

Goalkeepers:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>

Dixie Flatline (Australian)

Ell and Back (English)

Chesterfan2 (English)

Defenders:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>

OMDave (DR, French)

Irishregan (DR, English)

Leo30 (DL, English)

Tanel (DL, Estonian)

-Xenon- (DC, English)

Raptor (DC, Dutch)

Axeman (DC, Icelandic)

Okkas (DC, English)

Midfielders:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>

BobBev (DMC, Scottish)

Faramir (DMC, American)

Sherm (MC, English)

United_forever (MC, Australian)

Educated Hick (AMR, American)

HD (AMR/C, Scottish)

Nadessico (AML, English)

Glamdring (AML/C, English)

Peacemaker7 (AMC, Scottish)

Flipsix3 (AMC, English)

Strikers:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>

Brian of Nazareth (SC, English)

Gricehead (SC, English)

Spav (SC, Australian)

Mavericktango (SC, English)

--

Friendlies against Chippenham, Yeading and Bradford Park Avenue were arranged, and all Bagpuss expected was a respectable league finish in our first season. I was fully aware, however, that supporter power would likely oust me if we did anything but win the title.

[Terk]

The Friendlies

Chippenham vs. FMS United (Hardenhuish Park, Friday 16th July 2004 – Attendance 72)

Who takes the field in each friendly is really a moot point, the only important thing is that everybody gets time on the pitch at some point, as they’re good for nothing more than working up match fitness. With the players lining up in the 4-5-1 that I’d perfected over many years of slaving away at computer simulated football, we began our (hopefully) epic journey.

I had no idea what level we would be at, whether Chippenham would prove to be several steps above or below us, and in the end it turned out that we were better, but not by much. The first goal scored by a player in FMS’ rather disgusting light-blue and maroon kit came from the boot of Spav, taking on united_forever’s pass and thumping his shot past Mark Hervin in the Chippenham goal.

United_forever was, over the course of the game (or at least the seventy minutes he was on), the best player on show; industrious in his midfield role, both attacking and defending well when needed. But it was fellow midfielder HD who set up our second mark on the scoreboard, swinging in a cross from his right wing which substitute striker Brian of Nazareth made no mistake in heading past Hervin.

Final Score: Chippenham 0 – 2 FMS United

Goals: Spav (22), Brian of Nazareth (69)

Man of the Match: united_forever (9)

The win had come at a cost, though admittedly not a very big one as Spav had been forced to retire hurt with a sore shoulder, but the big Aussie wimp was told to get on with it and he’d be back in full training within the week, certainly in enough time to be considered for the match against Yeading.

Yeading vs. FMS United (The Warren, Sunday 25th July 2004 – Attendance 101)

As it was, Spav was one of the two left out of the squad for our second friendly, the other being goalkeeper Ell and Back who had slept between the posts against Chippenham. It was nice to see the crowd up in triple figures, I’d been a bit shocked at the lack of interest in our very first game, but all that happy feeling was gone just a few minutes into the match when sherm limped off after a heavy challenge, the diagnosis being a twisted ankle which would keep him out for at least three weeks, and therefore the start of the league campaign.

We put that setback behind us though, and quickly found ourselves in the lead. After Educated Hick had played a good ball into the box, chaos ensued as Yeading tried to clear, during which time mavericktango managed to toe poke the ball into the back of David Bailey’s net.

I assumed, rather foolishly it would seem, that we would go on from there and secure our second win in as many meaningless games, but instead we managed to show some quite spectacular ineptitude, Leo30 being caught woefully out of position at the back as Yeading attacked our left flank and Matt Miller ended the move with a volley past Dixie Flatline.

We were the better side for the remainder of the game, forcing the Yeading ‘keeper into a string of second half saves, and after all I had said that such games are good for nothing save fitness, but none of that did anything to damp down my anger at having thrown away the win.

Final Score: Yeading 1 – 1 FMS United

Goals: mavericktango (11), Matt Miller (28)

Man of the Match: David Bailey (9)

FMS United vs. Bradford Park Avenue (Stade de Mao, Sunday 1st August 2004 – Attendance 95)

The game against Bradford PA ensured that everyone had started at least one game as chesterfan2 got his turn between the sticks and we changed to a 4-4-2 so that Brian of Nazareth and Gricehead could both make their first starts. The change of formation seemed not to hurt us at all, and indeed we should have been well clear of the visitors before we finally did take the lead.

When that opening goal did come, just four minutes before half time, it was left winger glamdring who bagged it. Leo30, determined to atone for his mistake against Yeading, launched a long throw into the area and axeman’s near post flick on found glamdring waiting at the back post to stab the ball into the back of the net.

Spav appeared for the second half in place of Brian of Nazareth, and went on to perform quite superbly well, though his finishing left something to be desired as he should have walked off the field at full time having netted at least four. He had to settle for one though, and it was the last of his chances, coming two minutes into injury time at the end of the match, with ‘keeper Jacob Giles joining the Bradford attack for a late corner, -Xenon-‘s clearing volley sent Spav clear and the Australian striker caressed the ball home from a full forty yards.

Final Score: FMS United 2 – 0 Bradford Park Aveune

Goals: glamdring (41), Spav (90+2)

Man of the Match: Spav (8)

[Ell and Back]

No longer a left back now a keeper and you remembered Simon

Looking forward to seeing how this develops.

[Educated Hick]

[Nadessico]

i'm more scared u know what postion i play at :S

come on getting sold for 50mil

[Terk]

How could I forget, Smithy? I'm just hoping the game strikes you down with shin splints as some point, I think I'd die laughing

Bryan, I think the appropriate response to that is

Nadessico, I know more about you than you can possibly imagine And no one's getting sold, you're all going to be loyal

----------------------------

English Conference South

Game: 1/42

Dorchester vs. FMS United (Avenue Stadium, Saturday 14th August 2004 – Attendance 345)

There was obviously expectations from everyone save sherm that they were going to be named in the starting line up for our first competitive game, so naturally there was a lot of disappointment, especially for the eight who were left out of the squad altogether. Ell and Back got the nod in goal with chesterfan2 on the bench; Dixie Flatline paying the price for being the only one of the three to concede in the pre-season friendlies.

In the first half, we had the distinct look of a new team though and were lucky to trail by just the single goal as we did. Joseba Barandiaran, a very fancy name for this level of football, was the Dorchester player to get his name on the scoresheet, nutmegging Raptor before sliding a shot underneath the onrushing Ell and Back.

No changes were made at half time, but we did look a much better outfit and came close twice through Spav and flipsix3 before we finally equalised just before the hour mark, glamdring swinging in a superb cross for Educated Hick to slide in at the back post and net our first competitive goal.

Our joy at being level and the prospect of taking at least a point from our first game lasted all of nineteen minutes, Danny Smith rifling in a shot for the home side from all of thirty yards. We were far from done yet, however, and with seven minutes remaining, substitute striker Brian of Nazareth was on the end of another glamdring cross, edging the ball over the line via his shin but, as they say, they all count the same.

The job from that point was to shut up shop and hold on for the point we felt we clearly deserved. But, being internet geeks and barely even having seen sunshine in their previous lives, let alone taken part in physical exertion of any kind (other than, of course, the effort required to eat a doughnut) we tired considerably, and just sixty seconds after levelling the scores, we were terminally behind, Alex Browne the scorer of the home side’s winner.

Final Score: Dorchester 3 – 2 FMS United

Goals: Barandiaran (25), Educated Hick (59), Smith (78), Brian of Nazareth (83), Browne (84)

Man of the Match: glamdring (9)

[Educated Hick]

It's all about timing.

[sherm]

how did you get my natural position right? best of luck terk, will be following closely

[Peacemaker7]

Hope this lasts as long as it does

[axeman]

Yay, I made the team

But actually I always was best as a DMC with a pretty free role. And I had a really thumping shot, as most goalkeepers I put to sleep can confirm

And no, I did not sing for them either

[Spav]

\o/ I'm a SC and I've already scored. Makes a change from the D/DM L that I usually play as.

Good luck with this one, Terk.

Of course, everyone should just watch out for the murderer (oops, wrong story). [/blatant plug]

[Brian of Nazareth]

haha I'll shin it in anyway I want to thank you very much Good luck with this one Terk

[Terk]

cheers, everyone

-------------------------------

English Conference South

Game: 2/42

Carshalton vs FMS United (War Memorial Sports Ground, Tuesday 17th August 2004 – Attendance 315)

I’d decided that, for the beginning of the season at least, I’d give the goalkeepers three consecutive matches each to try and let them work up a rhythm, and it was for that reason only that Ell and Back kept his place in the starting line-up, the only person to do so other than man of the match against Dorchester, glamdring. That, obviously, meant nine changes from the team which had taken to the field three days previously, but to be honest we looked neither better nor worse for it.

Glamdring, once again, was the star of our show. Having landed himself to assists in our league opener, he this time found his way onto the scoresheet, opening our account in the second half after being played clear by Peacemaker7 and thumping a shot past Stuart Searle in the Carshalton goal.

We should have taken the lead in the first half, but mavericktango wasted a good opportunity when HD crossed only for him to head wide, and the clearest of our chances was spurned by axeman as he sent a free header clear over the bar from just six yards after being picked out superbly by Tanel’s corner.

Despite that disappointment, we carried on our superiority into the second half, and it was confirmed by glamdring’s goal just after the hour. I wasn’t going to settle until we had a second though, and it came courtesy of Educated Hick. Having replaced HD in the aftermath of glamdring’s opener, the American winger stole the ball off defender John Hamsher thirty yards from goal and raced clear, placing his shot firmly past Searle from ten yards as the Carshalton defence tried to cover across.

Final Score: Carshalton 0 – 2 FMS United

Goals: glamdring (64), Educated Hick (71)

Man of the Match: glamdring (8)

[irishregan]

This is hilarious, I'm honoured to make the squad, even if it is as an anonymous right back. I thought my name gave away my nationality, you have me down as English. But since I'm a Northern Irish Prod I'm not offended

Keep it up!

[Educated Hick]

Wow, I'm certainly doing well...

Keep this up Simon!

[Terk]

yeah, I thought that, then with your location being Toronto, I thought '**** it, he wrote a story based in nottingham, he can be english'

glory hunter, if I'm not mistaken, Bryan

---------------------------------------------

English Conference South

Game: 3/42

FMS United vs Hayes (Stade de Mao, Saturday 21st August 2004 - Attendance 342)

Sherm was now the only outfield player not to have made his competitive debut, and Gricehead became the third of our four strikers to be awarded his first start. The signs that we were coming together as a team were clear, and by the end of the ninety minutes, despite two late consolation efforts for Hayes, we had run out quite rampant victors.

The early signs weren't quite as good as the rest of the match though, and it took a goalline clearance from OMDave to deny Jason O'Connor the opener and the French defender took the confidence gained from that into the rest of his performance as he looked at ease bombing up and down the right flank in a manner reminiscent of a pretty sh*t Cafu.

We were ahead before the twentieth minute passed, flipsix3 being afforded far too much time on the edge of the Hayes penalty area and slipping a ball between defenders for glamdring, who was cutting in off the left, to batter home a first time shot. And by half time we had a second (though we could have had many more) when glamdring turned provider, crossing for united_forever to bundle the ball over the line from close range.

The second half began with us determined to further assert our superiority and we could have had a goal within sixty seconds of the restart, BobBev driving a shot from thirty yards which clipped the top of the cross bar before going over. We did have a third not long after that though, united_forver breaking clear and trying to place his shot beyond goalkeeper Clive Thompson, only to see it parried into the path of Gricehead, who calmly stuck home his first goal for the FMS side.

The points were well and truly sealed at that point, but we weren't going to slow down just yet. HD had come on in centre midfield for united_forever, and was involved in the fourth goal credited to our name, flicking fellow substitute Spav's cross into the path of Educated Hick, who kept up his record of scoring in each league game so far with an easy tap in from three yards.

One might have thought at that point we would have eased off, but responding the the echoing call of the fans for a fifth, we duly obliged. Ell and Back seemed the furthest point from any danger to the Hayes goal, but the long clearance he launched into the opposition's half bounced once and was missed by everybody before Spav cracked it first time past Thompson from the edge of the penalty area.

Only in the final ten minutes did we let Hayes have their few moments of glory, Matthew Cross beating Ell and Back to a cross to at least register them on the scoreboard, and Jason O'Connor making up for his earlier missed chance with a shot which cracked in off the inside of the post.

Final Score: FMS United 5 - 2 Hayes

Goals: glamdring (18), united_forever (42), Gricehead (53), Educated Hick (68), Spav (74), Cross (80), O'Connor (87)

Man of the Match: OMDave (8)

[Educated Hick]

Damn good performance there.

[Spav]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">the long clearance he launched into the opposition's half bounced once and was missed by everybody before Spav cracked it first time past Thompson from the edge of the penalty area. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Get in!!

[HD]

How many assists for me so far? I count at least 3, not bad

[sherm]

i havent even played yet. typical i might not get a game the way the lads are playing

[Terk]

no doubt that you've started well, HD. and sherm, I'm sure you'll get a game at some point, in fact, f*ck me, you start the next game

--------------------------------

English Conference South

Game: 4/42

FMS United vs Weston-super-Mare (Stade de Mao, saturday 28th August 2004, Attendance 479)

With sherm fighting fit again and given his chance to impress in the starting line-up ahead of united_forver, chesterfan2 also came in for his debut, Ell and Back having run through his three games in goal and not looked startlingly impressive in the process. Glamdring was finally 'rested' - his place in the side taken (reluctantly on my part) by Nadessico, though throughout the ninety minutes, the dirty Evertonian did more to impress me than ever he had before.

Brian of Nazareth became the last of the strikers to claim his first start, and was eager to shake off the beginnings of a super sub tag after he scored both his goals so far (against Chippenham and Dorchester) having come off the bench. It was something he managed with ease, side-footing our first gola past Ryan Northmore in the Weston goal after Nadessico had picked him out with a floated cross.

Saying that the rest of the half passed without incident would have been a blatant lie, as we had four clear chances to extend our lead before the interval, but took none of them. Sherm and Peacemaker7 were looking like a useful partnership in the centre of midfield, the latter being our main creative source throughout the game. The clearest of our chances fell to sherm though, but when played through by Faramir, he panicked at the sight of an open goal in front of him and snatched his shot wide of the post.

Weston showed just as little threat in the second half as they had in the first, and we really should have won by more than the two goal margin which we eventually managed. The second of those goals was the crowning moment of of Peacemaker7's man of the match performance, and it wasn't the most surprising of things to see him set up by long time partner in crime, HD, the lad from Ayr cutting a ball back from the by-line for PM7 to strike first time beyond Northmore.

We had a wonderful chance to seal a three goal victory eleven minutes from time when Ryan Northmore's day got worse as he conceded a penalty, fouling -Xenon- as irishregan's free kick swung into the box. There seemed to be much discussion over the identity of the penalty taker, but eventually captain for the day Peacemaker7 elected Tanel to take the kick, and soon wished he hadn't as the left back thundered his effort wide of the post. Still, a nice three points that moved us up to third in the table.

Final Score: FMS United 2 - 0 Weston-super-Mare

Goals: Brian of Nazareth (7), Peacemaker7 (58)

Man of the match: Peacemaker7 (8)

Incidents: Tanel missed penalty (79)

[-Xenon-]

Great stuff

[Nadessico]

go me go me go

bout time you let me play U know Michael Owen is an Evertonian

[Peacemaker7]

Yay me \o/

Thanks HD

[Brian of Nazareth]

If you start me, goals will come.. Good stuff lads

[axeman]

Come on, train me to play upfront. I'll scare the bejesus out of a few goalies

[united_forever]

very nice terk

i love this one

kutgw

can't wait for more

[united_forever]

and sherm, how dare you take my spot in the starting line up

nah...i reckon we'll have a great little rivalry for that position good luck to us both

lol

[HD]

It's just not natural to read about me passing in front of goal...

[Educated Hick]

Well, with no updates in two days, I'd say Simon's lost interest in this tale.

[sherm]

united_forever - being from the blue side of manchester, im not going to complain about taking a united fans place in the team

anyway, may the best man (me) win

[united_forever]

Bring it on Sherm

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!

[Terk]

by no means have I lost interest in the tale, Bryan, I've just been having internet problems over the past week.

------------------------------------

English Conference South

Game: 5/42

Havant & Waterlooville vs FMS United (Westleigh Park, Saturday 11th September 2004 – Attendance 578)

Despite the lads looking to make it four wins on the bounce and move us up to second place, there were still a number of changes to the side, mavericktango notably coming in for Brian of Nazareth up front. And it was our independent soft-drink striker who was presented with our first chance, an open goal with only six minutes on the clock, but lofted his effort over the crossbar to maintain his record as the only one of our frontmen not to have a competitive goal to his name.

We did eventually make good of our domination and take the lead when Educated Hick crossed deep to the back post where flipsix3 was on hand to bundle his effort over the line. We seemed to be taking pride in scoring scruffy goals, though if we kept winning then I was hardly going to complain.

Havant were having trouble getting themselves into the game, mainly due to the fact that any attack they tried to build was cut short by BobBev, who was putting in a power of work in the defensive midfield role. On a couple of occasions he got a little carried away with his new-found youth though, and strong challenges against Dean Blake and Geoff Pitcher forced both the home side players to leave the field injured.

With Spav on for mavericktango after just an hour, we had more spark up front, but it was flipsix3 who netted ours and his second of the match a few minutes later, taking united_forever’s pass and rounding Steve Woods in the Havant goal before slotting home. United_forever’s day was about to get worse though, he had to be helped from the field with bruised ribs with still quarter of an hour left, but as Spav, sherm and glamdring had already been sent on from the subs’ bench, we were left to battle on with ten men, Spav moving back into a central midfield role and the striker’s position left empty.

The energetic Aussie still managed to get forward and onto the end of glamdring’s free kick in the closing minutes, but presented with an open goal after Woods had parried his initial effort, Spav smacked his shot off the post and the home side managed to clear the danger.

Final Score: Havant & Waterlooville 0 – 2 FMS United

Goals: flipsix3 (24, 65)

Man of the Match: flipsix3 (10)

News: united_forever out for 3 days (bruised ribs)

[chesterfan2]

I make that two clean sheets for me then. I'd say it's pretty obvious who your starting goalie should be

[Educated Hick]

Well Simon, it's hard to tell with you and your stories.

Looks like I could be a candidate for the US U-21 team...

[Nadessico]

you dare drop me after i created a goal last match!!!!

i demand an inquiry!!!!

[Terk]

I know it can be difficult to tell, Bryan and Nadessico, an inquiry has been held and the findings are that you were not dropped for the Havant game, indeed you played, but contributed nothing worthy of note, hence why "...glamdring had already been sent on from the subs’ bench" as your replacement. You were dropped for the Maidenhead game though

-------------------------------------

English Conference South

Game: 6/42

FMS United vs Maidenhead (Stade de Mao, Saturday 18th September 2004, Attendance 851)

With united_forever still nursing his bruised ribs at home, sherm came into the centre of midfield alonside Peacemaker7 and Gricehead took mavericktango’s place as the lone striker against 18th placed Maidenhead. The game was not quite as easy as I’d hoped it would be against such lowly opposition, though the margin of victory could easily have been bigger had Nick Hart not been on form in goal for the visitors and had Rob Paris not been an utter nuisance for them.

Hart had already saved twice to deny us (once when Gricehead fired straight at him, the other when he tipped glamdring’s free kick round the post) before we finally took the lead just after the half hour mark. Peacemaker7 had played a ball between the centre backs for Gricehead to run onto, and as Maidenhead defender Andy Jennings came across, our striker crashed to the ground. The referee was conned by his blatant dive (though nobody else in the ground was) and HD tucked the penalty away neatly to put us in front.

We should have been two in front five minutes into the second half, but irishregan’s cross from which Gricehead deftly headed the ball into the back of the net was chalked off as HD had strayed offside, and we could have sealed the points beyond doubt late on, but twice when connecting unchallenged with good crosses, sherm could only direct the ball wide of the goal. Still, it was yet another win, our fifth on the bounce, and kept us in second place in the league.

Final Score: FMS United 1 – 0 Maidenhead

Goals: HD (pen 34)

Man of the Match: Rob Paris (9)

[Educated Hick]

Sounds like we're getting a bit overconfident.

[Terk]

English Conference South

Game: 7/42

FMS United vs Weymouth (Stade de Mao, Saturday 25th September 2004 – Attendance 841)

Educated Hick – along with HD probably our best performer so far – was forced to miss out the visit of Weymouth after bruising a thigh in training the day before the game. With chesterfan2’s three game stint at its end (and he had done rather well in keeping three clean sheets), Aussie ‘keeper Dixie Flatlie came into the side to make his competitive debut.

And the last player to make his debut for FMS was kept busy in a first half during which we showed none of the attacking talent that had carried us to five straight wins, and all of the defensive frailty that had marred our first league outing. Matthew Bound had the clearest chance for the visitors in the first half, a weak back pass from axeman intercepted by the Weymouth player, and after he’d rounded Dixie he really should have tucked the ball away, but instead could only find the side netting.

On the sidelines, Educated Hick had a contended smile as he muttered under his breath that the reason we were doing so poorly was quite obviously that he wasn’t in the team, but it was the man playing in his position, HD, who had our best chance of the game just five minutes after the interval, firing straight at goalkeeper Jason Matthews when a long ball from Leo30 had put him clear.

Our lack of creativity mixed with defensive stupidity was pointing the result of the match in one clear direction, and Weymouth duly obliged twenty minutes from time when (again after a mistake by Raptor) Wayne Purser raced through onto an aimless long ball forward and nicked his shot past Dixie, watching it trickle over the line as axeman and Leo30 tried desperately to get back and clear it.

Final Score: FMS United 0 – 1 Weymouth

Goals: Purser (70)

Man of the Match: Matthew Bound (8)

News: Raptor becomes the first FMS player to rate below 5 in a competitive match

[Terk]

English Conference South

Game: 8/42

Bognor Regis vs FMS United (Nyewood Lane, Tuesday 28th September 2004 – Attendance 693)

Having been knocked down to third in the table after defeat to Weymouth, the lads were desperate to get back on track with the visit to Bognor, and the raft of changes made seemed to do the trick. Only two players kept their shirts having appeared in the Weymouth game, Dixie Flatline benefitting from my policy of giving each ‘keeper three games to get another chance and axeman partnering –Xenon- in central defence as okkas missed out with an ankle knock.

From the first minute the eventual claiming off three points never looked in doubt, Spav had a shot well saved by ‘keeper Billy McMahon, and though glamdring touched in the rebound, it was chalked off after he was judged offside. We did have the lead inside the first twenty though, from Tanel’s free kick into the box, axeman and Faramir put Kevin Murphy under pressure and the Bognor centre back headed past his own goalkeeper to give us the lead.

Somehow that remained our only goal of the first half, and it wasn’t until just before the hour mark that we managed another, though that did open the floodgates. When the second eventually came, it was the result of a quite superb cross from Educated Hick which was guided into the net by Spav, and the little Aussie had his second four minutes later, again heading home, this time from irishregan’s floated free kick.

I was readying Brian of Nazareth to take the field in place of Spav as we had clearly won the game, but the kid from down under was determined to take a hat-trick with him to the subs bench and managed exactly that when he netted his third header of the match, Faramir’s free kick having been perfectly weighted for him to connect with.

A four goal victory would have been a fantastic way to bounce back from our first home defeat of the season, but we didn’t want to stop there, and a minute into injury time at the end of the match, glamdring’s cross was touched into the net by sherm, who had only minutes before replaced united_forever in the centre of midfield. I think it was safe to say I was pleased with the day’s events.

Final Score: Bognor Regis 0 – 5 FMS United

Goals: Murphy (OG, 15), Spav (59, 63, 66) sherm (90+1)

Man of the Match: Spav (10)

[-Xenon-]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Terk:

News: Raptor becomes the first FMS player to rate below 5 in a competitive match

</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

[Leo30]

Just read this from start to finish and didn't realise I was in it... What an idea, and my god I've made 2 defensive errors, always been known to wonder in no mans land. How did you know I have 2 left feet as well.

I hope I pull up socks soon and help you gain promotion.

Keep it up

[Terk]

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">| Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 1st | | Cambridge City | | 8 | 6 | 2 | 0 | 12 | 2 | +10 | 20 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 2nd | | FMS Utd | | 8 | 6 | 0 | 2 | 19 | 6 | +13 | 18 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 3rd | | Margate | | 8 | 5 | 1 | 2 | 12 | 7 | +5 | 16 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 4th | | Newport Co | | 8 | 5 | 1 | 2 | 10 | 5 | +5 | 16 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 5th | | Weymouth | | 8 | 5 | 1 | 2 | 9 | 6 | +3 | 16 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 6th | | Hornchurch | | 8 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 10 | 6 | +4 | 14 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 7th | | Basingstoke | | 8 | 4 | 1 | 3 | 18 | 12 | +6 | 13 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 8th | | Thurrock | | 8 | 4 | 1 | 3 | 14 | 13 | +1 | 13 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 9th | | Farnborough | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 12 | 8 | +4 | 11 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 10th | | Dorchester | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 14 | 12 | +2 | 11 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 11th | | Lewes | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 15 | 15 | 0 | 11 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 12th | | St. Albans | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 10 | 11 | -1 | 11 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 13th | | Maidenhead | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 8 | 9 | -1 | 11 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 14th | | Bognor Regis | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 9 | 12 | -3 | 11 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 15th | | Carshalton | | 8 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 12 | 11 | +1 | 10 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 16th | | Weston-super-Mare | | 8 | 3 | 1 | 4 | 12 | 13 | -1 | 10 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 17th | | Bishop's Stortford | | 8 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 11 | 10 | +1 | 9 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 18th | | Eastbourne Boro | | 8 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 9 | 12 | -3 | 8 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 19th | | Welling | | 8 | 1 | 3 | 4 | 7 | 12 | -5 | 6 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 20th | | Sutton Utd | | 8 | 0 | 4 | 4 | 10 | 20 | -10 | 4 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 21st | | Havant & W | | 8 | 0 | 3 | 5 | 5 | 14 | -9 | 3 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 22nd | | Hayes | | 8 | 0 | 1 | 7 | 6 | 28 | -22 | 1 |

| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

[Educated Hick]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Educated Hick had a contended smile as he muttered under his breath that the reason we were doing so poorly was quite obviously that he wasn’t in the team, </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's exactly what I was thinking as I read that match report. It was only a bruise, you could have put me in. Ah well, I kept it going in the next game, so can't complain.

Are you going to post a statssheet anytime soon?

[irishregan]

Sounds as though my Beckham-like delivery from the right wing is a striker's dream!

[axeman]

It looks like my passing at the back is uncharacteristically bad. At least I can pressure opposing defenders into scoring own goals

Now if I could only start scoring myself