Idiots Abroad, or How Not to Run a Football League

[EvilDave]

Ah, the FMS Awards. A night of celebrating all that is good in the world of our little community, a night of moderators talking to one another, drinking too much, and late-night check-ins from Central Asia. In 2017, the big bash was held in the lavish surroundings of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, a nod to one of the world’s worst but most persistent players of hide-and-seek, one Mr Julian Assange. In keeping with his fine tradition of hiding in plain sight, Assange attended the ceremony in full tuxedo, speaking to no-one and spending the evening with his finger on his lips in the corner.

But it was after the event that things began to get interesting. After one final curtain call for the year’s award winners, all by now a little worse for wear after a few too many aguardientes, awards co-ordinator @mark wilson27 posed a question that nobody could find a satisfactory answer to.

“So lads… what do you say… we take these awards… on holiday? Y’know, us seven, like, on tour?”

Even the esteemed @tenthreeleader, for years the curmudgeonly voice of reason couldn’t come up with a reason not to go. Not even the fact that the seven men on stage didn’t know each other from Adam, that the last time @CFuller left Essex it saw him added to ETA’s ‘most wanted’ list, or that both @EvilDave and @neilhoskins77 were supposed to be flying back to Kyrgyzstan the next morning. In the end, it was young @JoeyBaldwin who plucked up the courage to ask the important question:

“Can we afford to do that Mark?”

Twelve eyes swivelled to face the year’s Best Newcomer, the two mods taking a moment to process the words through the alcohol. Surprisingly, it was the American accent of @copperhorse21 that replied:

“Afford it? Tenthree’s paying, ain’t you buddy?”

And before the old man of the board could reply, Joey was leading the rest in a chant of “Tenthree! Tenthree!”

The old mod sighed. He’d been babysitting the forum for long enough, but taking six of them on holiday? That sounded like little short of hell on earth.

“Fine, but I’m picking the damn flights!”

Cheers erupted from the others, and immediately Mark called for a taxi to Heathrow. It didn’t matter that it was 3am, or that they had no idea where they were going – what could possibly go wrong?
--

Welcome one and all to my first attempt at a 'sign-up' - not that those involved really had much of a choice! Apologies in advance for any poorly-written accents, mistaken characterisation, or just poor humour - it's all well-intended, but if you have any issues with it do just drop me a PM. Beyond that, allow me to invite you to sit back and enjoy what should be a jolly ol' FMS caper!

[CFuller]

31 minutes ago, EvilDave said:

that the last time @CFuller left Essex it saw him added to ETA’s ‘most wanted’ list

Some Spanish-speaking Basques still call me 'El Burro Inglese'!

I look forward to reading more of this. Just bear in mind that I'm not your typical Essex man, and that I'll bring you up if you characterise me as such! 

[mark wilson27]

Loving the start Dave, just remember to try and avoid Iran and those camels (For those who don't know, its best not too ask) 

[tenthreeleader]

Also, avoid Gav's couch at all costs. I'm not sure it's been cleaned yet.

[EvilDave]

Thanks guys - I can promise you Mark that we won't be going to Iran this time, all will be revealed!
--

Some 15 hours later, Mark woke with a start. Not because of a bad dream or cold water being poured over him in classic comedy fashion, but because a spritely member of the cabin crew had offered him a warm towel. Grunting his refusal, he suddenly realised where he was.

Looking around, he saw his fellow FMSers, most of them still half-asleep. Neil and Dave seemed deep in debate over the merits of various Kyrgyz football teams, while the two Americans seemed a little worse for wear after the previous night’s drinking. Chris and Joey, sat two rows behind him, were out like lights.

“Oi, Copper – where are we going?”

“What do you mean, buddy? You picked the destination!”

“I did?”

“Geez, don’t you remember? This grumpy old man here was too tired to make a decision, so put your moderator hat on and made the call. Nice hat, by the way.”

“Thanks, I got it in Ira… wait, you never told me where we’re going.”

“You really don’t remember? You picked it off a map at random, said you thought @gavrenwick had written a story there once…”

“Oh man, he’s been all over the place. Most of us have been all over his place too, but that's another story. I dunno, Belarus? Iceland? Surely we’d be there by now though…”

“Oh boy. Not even close buddy. Ever heard of the Cook Islands?”

“The Cook Islands? Where even are they?”

By now the rest of the gang had woken up, and were finding some amusement in Mark’s confusion. One by one, they chipped in with their suggestions. Dave went first:

“The Cook Islands? Just off the north-east of Russia – not too far from Alaska.”

Neil suggested the Caribbean, Tenthree next to Hawaii, Joey south of Cyprus. But it is was Chris with by far the most detailed suggestion of the lot:

“Oh, the Cook Islands. They were part of the dispute over the Falklands in 1982, but Argentina dropped their claims when they realised there were only actually about 30 people living there. Four families they reckon, suffering from generations of inbreeding – I saw a documentary about it once, it looked grim.”

Mark, and indeed the rest of the group, stared at him in stunned silence. Why on earth would anyone book a holiday there?

“Just kidding guys, did you really buy that? The Cook Islands are a couple of hundred miles east of New Zealand in the South Pacific – we’re going Down Under!”

“How long’s that going to take us then Chris?”

“Well, we’ll need to change in Singapore first – we should be there in a couple of hours – then 10 hours to Auckland, an overnight stop there, then four more hours to Rarotonga. So we won’t be landing any time soon.”

“And how exactly do you know this stuff?”

“What else am I supposed to do when you’re all drifting off to sleep? Besides, Air New Zealand have WiFi on board now, it’s great!”

[EvilDave]

What seemed like an eternity later, the Spectacular Seven touched down in Rarotonga, the capital of the Cook Islands – insofar as a collection of islands technically belonging to New Zealand could have a capital. Six of the group were in high spirits – metaphorically and literally, having taken advantage of the drinks offers available at Auckland airport – while Tenthree seemed a little on the gloomy side. Being alerted to the free WiFi on the flight was a blessing. Being able to check his bank balance after Mark had paid for seven flights to the Cook Islands was not.

“Hey Mark, how long we all here for anyways?”

“You what boss?”

“Time. How long we here for?”

“Oh, I dunno. Long as we fancy really.”

“Huh? Didn’t you book us flights home?”

“How did I know where you all wanted to be? Nah, I just got us here. You can sort out the way back yourselves.”

FMS’ all-time leading award winner threw his hands in the air in despair. Not only had he spent most of his savings getting this group of drunks to the end of the earth, but he now had no way of getting home either.

The WiFi had come in handy though – one of the many practical steps Mr Fuller had taken on the flight was to find accommodation for the group of them, and after a short taxi ride from the airport the group found themselves outside their hostel, which had been booked ‘for a week, maybe longer’ according to the Story of the Year author. It was the end of August, approaching the end of what passes for a tourist season in the Cook Islands – there would be little competition for their beds.

“Chris, did you do that on purpose?” Joey had been reasonably quiet so far, but his question caused the other six to see where he was pointing.

“Yeah, that’s a hell of a coincidence if not,” chimed Neil.

Chris turned to look at the shiny office block across the road from the hostel, with ‘CIFA’ emblazoned above the doorway in gold lettering.

“You know what guys, I honestly didn’t know,” replied Chris, squinting to shield his eyes from the late morning sun. “Who’d have thought it, a bunch of guys who write about FM shacking up outside the Cook Islands FA?”

Copper’s eyes widened at the response.

“Now I don’t know about all o’ y’all, but there’ll be no shacking where I’m concerned, thank you very much!”

The Brits in the group glanced at each other with a knowing smile – it was left to Dave to explain.

“Don’t worry Copper, it’s just a turn of phrase – I’m happily married, as it happens.”

“Darn right it is. Now, I understand there’s a bed with my name on it in there, and I could use some shut-eye."

[EvilDave]

Little over a week later, the frustrations of life on the Islands was taking its toll to varying degrees on each of the group members. Tenthree was bordering on broke, having spent his money getting everyone to the island. His fellow American Copper was beginning to suffer an inexplicable pining for the North-East of England. There was no satellite TV for Mark to watch his beloved Manchester United, few of the islanders could comprehend Chris’ Essex twang, Neil and Dave felt guilty at not being in Central Asia, and Joey was beginning to get impatient with all the in-jokes the rest of the gang were telling to pass the time.

With travel around the islands impossible at worst and extortionately-priced at best, the group had seen more or less everything there was to see on the main island of Rarotonga, and while being indefinitely stranded on a tropical paradise sounded great in theory, the truth is they were all a little bored. The holiday, an idea conceived what seemed like a lifetime ago in the alcohol-fulled haze of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, was beginning to turn sour. Tenthree had no doubt who was to blame.

“Mark, I can’t help but think it’s on you to figure something out here. You’ve got us into this mess – it was your idea to come away, your choice of destination, your call not to book return flights. Some of us have got lives to be getting on with – what in blue hell are you going to do about it?”

Others joined in the heckling, it wasn’t long before FMS’ newest mod found himself backed into a corner.

“Yeah,” said Chris, “there’s a reason nobody comes to the Cook Islands. It’s nice and all, but it’s hardly Romford is it?”

“It isn’t even Kyrgyzstan,” replied Neil, with Dave nodding sternly in support, “and I’ve had to eat sour horse milk to survive. There’s nothing going on there – at least in Bishkek there’s goat polo on the TV.”

“I don’t know about goat polo” – it was Joey’s turn to get involved – “but this isn’t what I signed up for when I posted that first story of mine. How do I explain this to my family?”

“I think what we’re saying buddy,” added Copper, “is that you better come up with a plan, or things could get nasty out here.”

The others turned in surprise to Mr Horse, a little shocked at the implicit threat of violence. Copper shrugged it off, before turning back to Mark. The others did likewise, waiting for a response.

“Look guys, I’ll come up with something. You can’t say this wasn’t a good idea though, can you? The seven of us, award winners, a bit of team bonding on a paradise island…”

“Come on Mark, you aren’t fooling anyone with the rose-tinted lenses,” said Dave. “We need to know what you’re going to do about it. We’re thinking too, but…”

“I’ve got it!”

The group turned to Joey, by far the quietest member of the seven, who was now wearing a huge smile on his face.

“We write about football management, right?”

All nodded in agreement.

“The FA run out of that building there, right?”

More nods.

“So why don’t we ask if we can take over the national team? We must have more experience than the locals, even if it’s only virtual. They don’t need to know that.”

Tenthree sighed and planted his face into the palm of his hand. The others simply walked away, leaving Joey more than a little disheartened.

“Anyone? Guys? Well, I think it’s a great idea.”

[CFuller]

40 minutes ago, EvilDave said:

few of the islanders could comprehend Chris’ Essex twang

 To be honest, if you ever heard me speak, you'd never assume I had a typical Essex accent - it's very mild at best. Although my mum's from east London, and all my grandparents are Londoners as well, I'm not really much of a Cockney either.

45 minutes ago, EvilDave said:

“Yeah,” said Chris, “there’s a reason nobody comes to the Cook Islands. It’s nice and all, but it’s hardly Romford is it?”

Said nobody ever! There's a reason I'm planning to leave the darn place in a few months! 

[mark wilson27]

3 hours ago, EvilDave said:

 

“Look guys, I’ll come up with something. You can’t say this wasn’t a good idea though, can you? The seven of us, award winners, a bit of team bonding on a paradise island…”

“Come on Mark, you aren’t fooling anyone with the rose-tinted lenses,” said Dave. “We need to know what you’re going to do about it. We’re thinking too, but…”

 

It could have been worse guys, we could've ended up in Iran

[neilhoskins77]

On ‎03‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 12:19, mark wilson27 said:

It could have been worse guys, we could've ended up in Iran

We still might yet.....

[EvilDave]

Thanks guys! @CFuller - the Essex stuff will stop eventually, I promise! Besides which, I'm sure the Romford tourist board are enjoying things. As for @mark wilson27 and @neilhoskins77 - I can confirm we won't be heading to Iran. Not this time anyway!
--

The following day, with the group reconvening for lunch together, Joey was still sulking. He was convinced his plan was the only way they were likely to make it home – even if it did potentially mean sharing one salary between the seven of them. As the new kid on the block, he was keen to make an impression, and had blown his big chance.

“Hey, has anyone seen Neil today?” asked Dave, observantly spotting that there were only six of them tucking into their curried octopus. “I don’t remember seeing him leave this morning.”

“No,” said Tenthree, “me neither. Maybe he got lost or something.”

“Lost, on this island? There are only half a dozen roads, you can’t get lost!” Chris was less than impressed with the American’s suggestion.

“Afternoon guys, sorry I’m late.”

At that moment, Neil strode in and sat down in the spare chair at the head of the table.

“Where have you been mate?” queried Mark, voicing the thoughts of all those sat down with him. Neil smiled.

“Oh, nowhere much. Just arranging us guys a way out of here, that’s all.”

“Go on then!”

“Patience, patience. Joey, you know yesterday you mentioned us asking to take over the manager’s job?”

“Yeah, course I do. It was…”

“It was an awful idea, let’s be honest. But it got me thinking. So I went over to the FA for a chat. It was well worth my time.”

“Why, what happened?”

“Well, I happened to know that there are seven teams in the Cook Islands Round Cup, and that it happens to be starting soon. I wondered whether there might be any vacancies – even if there were only a couple, that gives us a start raising the money, right?”

“Seems unlikely,” replied a disgruntled Joey.

“That’s where you’re wrong mate,” said Neil, now standing again in a triumphant pose. “Sounds like there’s been some sort of dispute between the FA and the country’s backroom staff – managers, coaches, physios, the lot of ‘em. Four days ago, they all walked out. Everyone. There’s nobody at any of the clubs.”

“How do we fit in?”

“How don’t we? Here we are, a group of seven highly experienced football managers, willing to step in and save the national game for a relatively small sum. I don’t know, enough to get us all home again with a bit of spending money.”

“Isn’t a slight problem with that Neil?” Copper seemed less than convinced by the new plan.

“Is there?”

“Well, none of us are actually football managers, are we? How on earth are we going to keep up the pretence for a whole season?”

“It doesn’t matter does it? We sign contracts for the campaign, if they sack us we get payed off early. Win-win.”

It was Mark’s turn to ask a question, the group actually starting to believe it might work.

“There are seven teams you say? How are we going to decide who gets which team?”

“Oh that’s easy – the FA have your names and a brief biography – they’re doing a live draw on national television tonight.”

“I guess we don’t have a choice then. We don’t have to be there, do we?”

“No, no. I told them we’d be preparing.”

Mark was satisfied, but Dave wasn’t.

“One more thing Neil.”

“Go on.”

“How long exactly does this Round Cup thing go on for?”

“Oh, just a couple of months. Maybe three”

A collective groan went up from the rest of the group, leaving Neil frustrated and folding his arms to show as much.

“Did I mention the £20,000 prize for the winning manager? Anyway, I don’t suppose you’ve got any better ideas.”

He was right. They didn’t.

[neilhoskins77]

Leave it to the Welshman to find you a way out of here lads  

[mark wilson27]

£20,000 not too shabby, If I win their will alot of vodka brought with that 

[EvilDave]

@neilhoskins77, it's a mighty fine plan you've come up with for sure...
--

“And so ladies and gentlemen, that concludes this once-in-a-lifetime managerial draw for what is sure to be an unforgettable edition of the Cook Islands Round Cup. Seven experienced managers from across the globe, each with their own style and way of play, travelling as one to the Cook Islands to pit their skills against each other. An incredible story, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“Now, for those of you tuning in late, here’s a brief recap of the teams and managers that have been paired together in that draw:

“League favourites Tupapa Maraeranga will be led by American manager Copper Horse. Mr Horse has built up a fearsome reputation as a manager able to lead teams through adversity and against the odds – but will he cope with the pressures of being title favourites?

“Defending champions Nikao will be managed by none other than Joey Baldwin, a man whose career has taken in some of the biggest clubs in the world – Manchester United, Real Madrid and AC Milan – along with smaller sides such as US Colomiers and Bradford Park Avenue. Can he turn that experience into a title win?

“Evil Dave has been appointed as the new manager of Matavera, the side predicted third by our betting partners. A much-travelled manager who has managed in much of the Russian-speaking world and lifted the Champions League in two different continents, could he be the one to guide Matavera to success?

“Fourth favourites are Avatiu, who will be under the leadership of Chris Fuller, an experienced boss known for his shrewd transfer policies and desire to improve every aspect of the clubs he leads. With just one season to make his mark, will he be Avatiu’s hero?

“Or perhaps it will be Mark Wilson to lead Titikaveka to glory? Mr Wilson has spent decades with both Manchester United and the England national team, so is used to the high-pressure occasion. In the Round Cup, every one of the 12 games will count – his big-game experience will be crucial.

“Predicted sixth by our sponsors CookIBet are Puaikura, the new team of our second American, Tenthree Leader. Leader made his name in Italy before taking unfancied Reading to the pinnacle of the English game, and will surely fancy his chances of dragging another underdog to the top.

“Finally, this year’s rank outsiders are Neil Hoskins’ Takuvaine. Despite only missing out on the 2016 title by a single point, a raft of retirements mean that Hoskins – a managerial pioneer celebrated for his work with the Kyrgyz national team – will have his work cut out to do anything other than prop up the table.

“And for those of you who think you know what will happen in this year’s extraordinary Round Cup, why not put your money where your mouth is with CookIbet – the only option for gambling in the Cook Islands. Those odds are: Tupapa Maraeranga 9-4, Nikao 4-1, Matavera 8-1, Avatiu 9-1, Titikaveka 25-1, Puaikura 75-1 and Takuvaine at 200-1. That’s all for tonight, be sure to tune in next week for highlights from the first round of this year’s Cook Islands Round Cup.”

In the hostel, Neil stood and flicked off the small television that the seven FMSers had been huddled around to watch the draw. As the one who had concocted the plan, he was understandably peeved at being given the 200-1 underdogs, but at the same time was quietly confident given that his side had been runners-up the year before. As the one behind the plans, it was time to address his fellow managers.

“This is it lads – may the best man win. Remember, we’ve only got to ride it out for three months and we’re out of here, all expenses paid and with tickets home. One of us will be 20 grand richer, and I intend for that to be me, but good luck all the same. Your clubs will be sorting your accommodation from now on, and we’ve all got each other’s mobile number should anything happen. Let’s do this.”

With that, the seven men shook hands with one another, exchanged competitive but friendly remarks, and left the hostel. All of a sudden, they had a purpose to their trip. The game they had written of for so long was no their actual job – this was what it was all about.

[EvilDave]

“Neil, how you manage to convince the FA that we’d really managed all those clubs? Were they not a bit concerned that they hadn’t heard of us? And did you really tell them my name was Evil?”

Dave was on the phone to Neil on the second day, his amateur players having left training for the day to return to their regular work.

“Well I mostly flattered them with my knowledge of football in the Cook Islands to be honest, they didn’t ask too many questions. Besides, they can’t do anything now, they’ve signed the contracts and contract law in the Cook Islands is sketchy to say the least.”

“Can I ask you one more question mate?”

“Sure.”

“Is there anything you don’t know about?”

With that he hung up, returned to his club-bought laptop and the tactics software he had asked to be installed. He had less than a week to figure out his formation and line-up for Matavera’s opener, a home clash with Joey’s defending champions Nikao, and in truth he didn’t know where to start. A couple of the lads had stood out in the first couple of training sessions, but the truth was that the standard was poor – very poor in fact – and had he been allowed to register himself as a player, he would have been in the leading group. As it was, he was struggling. At least, he hoped, everyone else was having the same problems.

Over at the Avatiu base, Chris Fuller was struggling to make himself understand, his Essex accent baffling the majority of the players. After the first, exasperating hour he resorting to using ‘international’ English, gesticulating heavily and limiting his sentences to as few words as possible. It seemed to do the trick, but he’d need to make himself understood if his side had any hope of winning away at Copper’s league favourites on the opening day.

Meanwhile, Mark Wilson was having problems of his own, being so thoroughly unused to managing anyone outside of Manchester or Matlock. Giving his players nicknames in accordance with the current United squad only seemed to confuse them, and so he was having to come up with another way of identifying his charges. A home game against Neil’s outsiders should have been the ideal opportunity to get his season up and running, but the boss of the league’s most humorously-named side was still searching for inspiration as time ticked away.

On Saturday morning, six of the seven managers – Tenthree’s Puaikura were the odd team out in this round – woke early, with butterflies in their stomach. It was gameday, their managerial debuts, time to shine. Far from the circumstances they had all no doubt dreamed of, but professional football management nonetheless. For the award winners of FMS, things were about to get very real indeed.

[mark wilson27]

3 hours ago, EvilDave said:

Mark Wilson was having problems of his own, being so thoroughly unused to managing anyone outside of Manchester or Matlock. Giving his players nicknames in accordance with the current United squad only seemed to confuse them, and so he was having to come up with another way of identifying his charges. A home game against Neil’s outsiders should have been the ideal opportunity to get his season up and running, but the boss of the league’s most humorously-named side was still searching for inspiration as time ticked away.

 

You mean their are other clubs than Manchester United or Matlock Town 

[EvilDave]

Shockingly so Mark - I think England have a team as well!
--

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round One Review: Champions beaten in thrilling opening weekend

The opening round of a unique Round Cup got underway in spectacular fashion this Saturday, with six sides in simultaneous action, a surprise defeat for the defeating champions, frustration for the favourites, and a surprise away win all providing headlines for the Cook Islands fans.

The big story of the day was to be found at the Matavera School Ground, where Evil Dave’s hosts downed a disjointed Nikao side 2-0. The reigning champions, led by Joey Baldwin, had been favourites to gain at least a draw from their travels, but it was the home side who came up trumps. Matavera dominated possession, ending up with more than 60% of the ball in the new manager’s short passing style, and they rewarded with goals late in each half. The first came from lone striker Don Hallin’s header from Alan Newnham’s pinpoint cross after 38 minutes, and the second came from his substitute, Niko Vogel driving home from the edge of the area with 10 minutes to play and staking his claim for a regular spot under the new boss. For Nikao, the defeat does not bode well for manager Baldwin, with his men finding the target with just one of a paltry four efforts on goal – improvements needed for the champions if they are to retain the Cup.

Nikao’s defeat should have opened the doors for pre-season favourites Tupapa Maraerenga and their American manager Copper Horse, but whether his style of play simply failed to translate across the Pacific or his side were not as strong as previously thought, they got off to a sluggish start at home to Avatiu. Chris Fuller’s side, predicted as little more than midtable makeweights by the bookmakers, took a surprise lead at Victoria Park when Ngatuaine Mani stabbed home just 13 minutes in. They had more chances too, and a more clinical side could have sewn the game up by the interval – as it was, an equaliser five minutes after the break from Wilson Mouari meant that while neither side opened their campaign with a defeat, both will be keen to improve on their first performance.

The third match played on the opening weekend saw two of the league outsiders go head-to-head, with Mark Wilson’s Titikaveka hosting Neil Hoskins’ Takuvaine. Whilst this one lacked some of the quality shown in other matches of the round, there was no less passion and determination and display, and surprisingly it was unfavoured Takuvaine who came away with the win. Hoskins set out his men to stifle Wilson’s side, and the counter-attacking system worked perfectly, Rua Ngametua netting on his team’s first break after just eight minutes. That worked the hosts to push for the equaliser, and in first half stoppage time Jeremy Robertson headed home a corner to double the lead. 2-0 is how it finished, and three points for the least fancied team in the league leaves them as joint leaders until Wednesday’s fixtures. A sensational start by all accounts.

Matavera 2-0 Nikao (Hallin 38, Vogel 79)
Tupapa Maraerenga 1-1 Avatiu (Mouari 51; Mani 13)
Titikaveka 0-2 Takuvaine (Ngametua 8, Robertson 45)

[CFuller]

I like Mani.

Not so much Wilson. 

[mark wilson27]

 

4 hours ago, EvilDave said:

Shockingly so Mark - I think England have a team as well!

I'll have to have a look at these other teams on FM18 

Can't believe I lost the first game not happy...sack the manager..oh bugger thats me

[EvilDave]

Thanks chaps! Mark, sadly there's no easy way out of the Cook Islands - you'll just have to get your bunch playing better!
--

All things considered, Neil was feeling pretty smug with himself. Not only had he masterminded a way to get out of the Cook Islands – stealing Joey’s idea and making a few tweaks – while getting paid handsomely in the process, he had also succeeded in getting his unfancied Takuvaine side off to a flying start. He had been frustrated with the team draw, winding up with the least-favoured side on the island, but he had out-thought and outwitted moderator Mark with ease in the opening game. He had thought about giving his opponent a call, just to rub things in a bit – but decided not to count his chickens just yet.

Perhaps the man most worried was Mr Baldwin, who had expected a far better showing of his defending champions than they had given him in losing to EvilDave’s Matavera. Deep down he knew there was little chance of him being sacked within a 12-game season – particularly as the entire nation’s supply of football managers seemed to have an axe to grind with the FA – but he didn’t want to make himself known as the guy who led the champions to the bottom of the league. Especially not as he was supposed to be a supremely gifted journeyman.

There was only one thing for it – he needed advice, and who better than the only member of the FMS party yet to manage a game? No, Joey had not thought this through particularly well.

“Hello, Tenthree Leader.”

“Hi boss, it’s Joey.”

“Why are you calling me boss? I’ve never… oh nevermind, what gives me this pleasure?”

“Well, it’s a little embarrassing actually…”

“Have you seen a doctor? Seriously, you don’t want to be risking anything when it’s sensitive.”

“Erm, thanks. But I was going to talk to you about football, actually.”

“Oh, sure. You realise you’re a more experienced manager than me now, right?”

“OK, but tell me – how do you get your point across? I feel like the players just don’t respect me.”

Tenthree paused a moment. He had in fact enjoyed some success in getting his instructions across to his new charges at Puaikura, but did he really want to give one of his rivals his advice? He replied thoughtfully:

“Well Joey, do you respect you?”

“Huh?”

“Do you respect you? If you walk around wracked with doubts about what you’re doing, the boys are going to see that. Keep his head up, chest out, walk with a bit of a swagger. You’re in charge now boy, if you act like it they’ll treat you like it.”

“So I’ve got to act like I know what I’m doing?”

“Sure. Fake it to make it, that’s what I was told.”

“Thanks boss, that’s really helpful. I’ll give that a go on the training ground. Bye.”

His phone clicked silent as Joey hung up, and FMS’ most successful writer afforded himself a wry smile. The beauty of writing stories, he thought – if you say anything with enough confidence, people will believe every word of it. Poor Baldwin never stood a chance.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Two Review: Hoskins’ boy march on as Titikaveka misery continues

Thursday morning in the first week of the new season can only mean one thing – more Round Cup action to review, and what a selection of matches we have to pore over. Nikao managed the first win of their title defence at the second attempt, Matavera grabbed their second win in a row, while Neil Hoskins’ unfancied Takuvaine continued to defy the odds with a thumping victory over the last team to start the season.

We can only start our round-up at Takuvaine Field, where Tenthree Leader’s Puaikura were the visitors in their first match of the campaign, having been allocated the rest day on Saturday. However, their new manager might well wish they hadn’t bothered after a miserable showing which played straight into the hands of their hosts. Midway through the first half right-back Eddie Brothers opened the scoring with a superb free-kick, and the stroke of half-time the pace of Clive Nicholas saw the striker break through to double the advantage. A strong 10 minutes from the American’s side saw them strike the bar with Hank Spijkerman beaten in the Takuvaine goal, but just five minutes later the hosts had a third, a lightning break from a corner resulting in midfielder Will Heather rounding the keeper and tapping into an unguarded net. There was no way back for Puaikura, no fight left in their stomachs, and the nature of the defeat will not have gone unnoticed by manager Leader. As for Hoskins, it seems the man most at home in the international game has taken to club football like a duck to water.

The other side to maintain a 100% start to the season were Evil Dave’s Matavera, a first-half blitz being enough to earn them a win away at Avatiu. High pressure and quick passing from the visiting side were enough to keep their hosts under pressure for much of the first half, and as in Takuvaine, it was a defender who opened the scoring a quarter of the way through the match – Logesh Chandra firing through a crowd of bodies after a corner was cleared. Ten minutes the lead was doubled, Hallin heading in a far-post cross for his second goal in as many games, and Chris Fuller’s men looked to be sinking rapidly. An improved second half gave them hope, and even a lifeline when Jimmy Katoa’s ball in drifted over the head of Ngere in the visiting goal, but it was not enough to claw their way back level, and one point from two games is not the start the Essex-born boss was looking for.

Finally, a dull game of attack against defence was finally won by the attacking side at Nikao Field, the champions leaving it very late to break down a stubborn Titikaveka side who showed no signs of looking to win the match. Of the 15 shots fired in the 90 minutes, just a single one found the target, but was enough to get Joey Baldwin’s champions on the board and leave Mark Wilson’s side floundering at the foot of the table. Second half substitute Ioane Victor was the man to get it with less than a quarter of an hour to play, and there will be plenty of questions asked of Wilson in the coming days – surely a more expansive strategy is in order if Titikaveka are to rise up the table.

Takuvaine 3-0 Puaikura (Brothers 29, Nicholas 44, Heather 60)
Avatiu 1-2 Matavera (Katoa 63; Chandra 22, Hallin 32)
Nikao 1-0 Titikaveka (Victor 78)

[neilhoskins77]

I don't know why we're in such a rush to leave. I like it here......

[EvilDave]

You've started well Neil, I'll give you that! Not that we aren't all delighted for you...
--

This was just typical, Evil Dave thought to himself after returning home from a tough training session with his Matavera team. Having landed on a completely foreign island, been randomly allocated a middle-of-the-road team and guided them to two wins from their opening two matches, he should have been basking in the glory of the island nation’s media.

Instead however, he was having to watch from the sidelines as Hoskins took the plaudits for taking his ‘underdogs’ to the top – underdogs which, he felt like reminded everyone, had finished as league runners-up just a year ago. Could so much really have changed in a year? What sort of formula were these bookmakers using anyway – Dave doubted they had a particularly deep insight into the inner workings of the Cook Islands sporting world. It was a farce, and he felt like he was missing out.

Which was strange really – he had never been one to chase recognition back in England, content to spend his holidays off the beaten track, continually surprised when FMS awards came his way. Somehow this was different though – football management was not a business for those hiding in the shadows, but one to emerge in a blaze of glory and steal the headlines. You never know, he thought to himself, if he were to win the league out here, a real football team might give him a chance. And then what might happen?

They were ridiculous thoughts, and he knew it. This was barely football management – the UK equivalent probably being one of the Welsh lower leagues that Neil that written about in the past – and the quality of the play on show had been poor to say the least. No team worth their salt was going to be paying any attention to the goings-on in the middle of the South Pacific, and he would be completely unknown in Grimsby, let alone anywhere he would want to return to. This was simply a way home – or to Kyrgyzstan – and he had to treat it as such.

Still, that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try his damnedest to lift the trophy. His Matavera boys had shown that they had enough fight in them to wind up at the right end of the table come the end of November, and between now and then that had to be his overriding priority. Life was already on hold, so he might as well throw everything he had into this rather strange game. They were already a sixth of the way through the season – 10 more games might even be fun.

That said, on the fixture list he had printed out and stuck to the wall, there was one game that he had ringed with a crimson red highlighter pen. The final day of the season, Matavera vs Takuvaine. Anything could happen between now and then, and that match could be a dead rubber, or to decide the final two sports in the league. Even so, Dave was determined to come out on top, and wipe the smile from Neil’s grinning face by getting the final word in.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

 Round Three Review: Ropiani sees red as all seven sides hit their stride

Three games in a week may be too much for some sportsmen and women, but they obviously haven’t met the highly-primed athletes that make up the Cook Islands Round Cup teams. Saturday saw three more matches, the season’s first red card, seven goals, and the first points of the season for the only two sides yet to register for their new managerial imports.

Perhaps the most relieved man in the Cook Islands this morning is Titikaveka boss Mark Wilson, who saw his side bounce back from a dismal midweek performance to see off Avatiu 2-1. A drab, goalless first half saw the visitors control possession and leave Wilson worrying about a repeat showing, but the match sprung to life in the second period with two goals in as many minutes. First the hosts took the lead through Dennis Tararo’s inch-perfect penalty, only for Chris Fuller’s men to strike back almost instantly through the boot of Jason Tou. However, the scoring was not to end there, and with the clock reading 74 minutes the hosts struck. Paul van Eijk, regarded as one of the best pure finishers on these islands, saw his first effort saved by Anitonia in the Avatiu goal, but his persistence saw him beat a defender to the rebound and smash the loose ball past the grounded goalkeeper. Manager Wilson punched the air in delight as the goal saw his side shoot up the table – meanwhile, Fuller’s vanquished squad have just a point from their opening three matches and are beginning to hear alarm bells.

A close contender for Wilson’s ‘most relieved’ title is Tupapa Maraerenga’s Patrick Ropiani, who became the first man to be dismissed in the 2017 Round Cup just 19 minutes into his side’s visit to Matavera. Already trailing to Alan Newnham’s curling strike eight minutes into the match, manager Copper Horse was visibly frustrated at his winger’s lack of discipline and being forced into a tactical reshuffle. However, his decision to make his side more compact worked a treated, and less than 10 minutes later Mark Vulcher ghosted in to head in a free-kick and level the scores. Evil Dave urged his side to press on and make the most of their numerical advantage, but despite playing a man up for a full 70 minutes, they were unable to break down a resolute visiting defence. Food for thought for the Matavera boss, who was tactically outgunned by his American counterpart.

Finally to Raemaru Park, where Tenthree Leader’s Puaikura became the last side to get off the mark for the season with a hard-fought 1-1 draw at home to Nikao. Fans of the side will insist that the statement is unfair given that they sat out the opening round, however a 3-0 thumping at Takuvaine last time out meant that even losing the lead afforded them by Torea Tangata’s first half header represents a strong improvement. Joey Baldwin’s champions came out stronger after the break, levelling through Toru Rouru, but they will have earmarked this as a chance to pick up three points on the road, and will be disappointed to have left with only one.

Titikaveka 2-1 Avatiu (Tararo 54, van Eijk 74; Tou 56)
Matavera 1-1 Tupapa Maraerenga (Newnham 8, Vulcher 27)
Puaikura 1-1 Nikao (Tangata 23; Rouru 52)

[EvilDave]

Mark Wilson was loving life. After two poor performances in the opening games of the season, his Titikaveka side had finally recorded a win, and only Chris’ Avatiu as well. Mark had found himself harbouring a slight grudge against Fuller- he was convinced he’d have a pile more FMS awards if it wasn’t for the Gooner, and his choice of football club didn’t endear him either – but the identity of his vanquished opponents was secondary to the joy of winning.

His first instinct on picking up his first three points as a manager was to write about it on FMS – after all, this was where he chronicled most of his life events in trademark fashion, updating like clockwork. However, on reaching the forums he found it eerily quite, the only activity being a couple of updates from @git2thachoppa and @BenArsenal talking to himself in the community thread. It took him a moment to realise that all of those who would read his update were in fact with him in the Cook Islands. It was not a comfortable realisation, but one that was bound to come at some point.

Instead, he turned back to the tactics whiteboard which sat freshly-wiped on his desk. Victory against Avatiu had been achieving largely by throwing strikers at the problem, but Mark felt that something more refined was needed if Titikaveka were to get people applauding their football and marvelling at their lofty position, rather than simply laughing at their unfortunate choice of moniker.

Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, he found himself momentarily drifting off, his brain tired after the day’s exertions and the jubilation getting three points on the board. Before he realised what was going on, he found himself in the hotseat at Old Trafford, then Wembley. Images from his footballing memory flashed before his eyes – singing on the terraces at Matlock Town, celebrating John Terry’s slip in Moscow, watching England crash out of Euro 2016. Somehow, having dug the memories from the recesses of his brain, he began to form a tactical plan that he was convinced could take Titikaveka to glory.

“So, we start at the back,” he said to no-one in particular. “It’s important to have a good defence. Preferably one with wingers at full-back, someone like Ashley Young.

“Midfield is the key and we don’t want too much pace there. Maybe two holding men, and we can pretend one is a playmaker. Preferably the oldest man in the squad.

“We’ve got plenty of creative types, but I don’t want to play them behind the striker, that’s madness – the target man goes there. They can go on the wings instead, I mean where else would they go?

“And then up front… it doesn’t matter does it? Anyone can score goals, I might even put another target man up there. We’ll save our pacey players for the last 10 minutes.”

Somewhere in his subconscious mind, something truly terrible had happened. From the joy of winning a football match, his brain had taken the worst of his knowledge and transformed him into the stuff of nightmares.

In that pivotal moment, Mark Wilson believed he was Louis van Gaal.

Or at least a Mancunian version, without the ridiculous metaphors.

[mark wilson27]

Loving that last post...

[BenArsenal]

Well eh, talking to myself eh?

Hello? Hello?

[EvilDave]

Echoooo, echooo, echoo...
--

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Four Review: Favourites find form as bottom two scrap for draw

Day four of the 2017 Round Cup proved to be another thrilling round of fixtures, with the pre-season favourites finally hitting their stride, the underdogs continuing to defy the odds, and the two sides struggling for form picking up a point which ultimately does neither team any favours. With some sides already playing a third of their matches for the season, this year’s Round Cup could still go anyone’s way.

The best viewing of the day was without a doubt at Victoria Park, where Copper Horse’s Tupapa Maraerenga showed why they were the bookies’ tip for the title before the tournament began. After battling to a draw with 10 men last time out, this time they were the ones to benefit from a red card – to Titikaveka’s Brian Green – although by that point they had already established a two-goal cushion through Mark Vulcher’s header and Junior Puroku’s 25-yard screamer. However, with Green off the field and Wilson’s side simply unable to contain the hosts as they poured forward, the only surprise was that only one more goal was added. Sam Margetts’ strike was the best of the lot, a curling finish from the edge of the area that left Victor Teao grasping at thin air, and the 3-0 win laid down a marker to the rest of the division. Horse’s side remain unbeaten and are on the charge, and stopping them will be no mean feat.

Also unbeaten after three fixtures are Takuvaine – a sentence very few would have expected to see after the club were all but written off ahead of this year’s Round Cup. However, under new manager Neil Hoskins, the underdogs have put a raft of retirements and transfers away from the club behind them, putting their faith in the remainder of the squad which finished second to Nikao last year. Away at the champions on Wednesday night, they took a surprise early lead through Clive Nicholas’ deflected shot, only to be pegged back in the second period by Junior Lupena’s almost identical effort. Joey Baldwin left the ground a relieved man indeed, and while Hoskins is the toast of the Islands at the moment, the man in charge of the champions knows he will need to find improvement if his club are to lift the trophy once more in November.

Also sharing the midweek spoils were the only two winless sides in the division, Avatiu and Puaikura sharing just six goals and four points between them in their seven matches thus far. Tenthree Leader will almost certainly have left Avatiu Sports Ground the happier of the two managers as the away side and the underdogs for the day, but Chris Fuller will also be satisfied with his side’s effort, coming from behind to snatch a point through Jimmy Katoa’s close-range stab. Both sides will be seeking to step things up if they are to move away from the foot of the table, and both managers will be expecting it.

Tupapa Maraerenga 3-0 Titikaveka (Vulcher 29, Puroku 47, Margetts 63)
Nikao 1-1 Takuvaine (Lupena 70; Nicholas 6)
Avatiu 1-1 Puaikura (Katoa 77; Iroa 11)

[EvilDave]

“Hey buddy, how’s things looking where you are?”

Copper was in fine fettle after watching his side dismantle Louis van Wilson’s side, and had decided to celebrate the only way he knew how – but calling his fellow American, Tenthree. Unsurprisingly, his compatriot was less than impressed, his own team having blown a lead and a chance to earn a first win of the season.

“You know exactly how things are Copper, no need to rub my face in it. Congrats on the win though, I guess.”

“Thanks buddy – it sure feels great up here. Little ol’ Tupapa on top of the pile…”

“I’m not sure you can spin this as an underdog story, Horse – you guys were hot favourites before the kick-off!”

“Well yeah, but nobody’s raining on this parade while I’m in town. I’m planning on taking this all the way to the top.”

“Good luck with that. Until you’re up against my guys, that is.”

“I’m not sure we’ll need luck by then. See ya buddy.”

Copper hung up, his cheery confidence ringing in Tenthree’s ears like a particularly bad case of tinnitus. Not only did he have a winless team that couldn’t hold a lead if it came with handles, he also had his countryman on top of table and enjoying it a little bit too much.

He couldn’t do a great deal about the second of those problems, but he could at least have a crack at solving the first, and a figuring out exactly where his side’s defensive problems lie was at the top of his agenda – a clean sheet would do wonders of his club’s confidence, not to mention his own sanity. For now, that was fragile.

“Besides,” he wondered out loud as he turned his attention to the poorly-shot video footage of the draw with Avatiu, “why do I only turn up when somebody calls me?”

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Five Review: Two left unbeaten as Fuller’s boys show their teeth

After five rounds of the managerial extravaganza that is the 2017 Round Cup, the toll of the fixture list finally put paid to Takuvaine’s surprising unbeaten record, leaving just the league’s top two undefeated. Chris Fuller’s Avatiu fired themselves into contention with a convincing away win, Matavera let top spot slip from within Evil Dave’s grasp, and bottom side Puaikura remain the only club without a win after a disappointing home defeat.

Takuvaine Field was the venue for the clash of the round, with Neil Hoskins’ surprise high-flyers finally meeting their match in the form of Fuller’s Avatiu. Without a win before the trip, the visitors turned on the style, netting twice in three first-half minutes to give themselves a comfortable cushion going into the break. Hoskins’ men fought back well to cut the deficit within 15 minutes of the restart, but Eddie Tobia’s goal did not keep them close for long – from the restart a sweeping move saw Francis Tamangaro fire into the far corner to restore the two-goal advantage, and that is how it finished. A maiden win for Avatiu lifts them to 4^th in the table, while Takuvaine miss the chance to go top of the pile – Hoskins’ role now is stop them slipping down into their expectedly lowly spot.

Another struggling side to take encouragement from the weekend were Mark Wilson’s Titikaveka, who snatched a late equaliser to frustrate Matavera and keep Evil Dave’s side off the Round Cup summit. Their 85^th minute leveller sparked wild celebrations on the home bench, after the away side looked the more likely to score following Tautu Manuarii’s first half penalty. However, for all their pressure, Dave’s side were once again unable to kill off their opponents – not the first time they have struggled for a second goal – and were made to pay in the dying moments. After a 3-0 humbling last time out, manager Wilson can be pleased with his side’s improvement – nevertheless, they remain second from bottom of the pile.

They sit propped up by Puiakura, who struggled to assert themselves at all against Copper Horse’s Tupapa Maraerenga. In the battle of the Americans, Tenthree Leader came out firmly second best against his countryman, whose side’s 2-0 win sent them top of the table on goal difference from Matavera. Both goals came in the first half – Gustave Tatuava’s free-kick after just seven minutes followed by Sam Margetts’ half-volley midway through the period – and in the second half the visitors barely needed to break out of second gear to contain their hosts. With five goals in their last two games, Horse’s side are clearly the in-form club on the Islands – Leader’s men can only dream of such results, and remain without a win.

Takuvaine 1-3 Avatiu (Tobia 58; Droilet 41, Tanga 44, Tamangaro 59)
Titikaveka 1-1 Matavera (Tamangaro 85; Manuarii 26)
Puaikura 0-2 Tupapa Maraerenga (Tatuava 7, Margetts 27)

[CFuller]

You know when you've been Tanga'd, Neil. 

We took our sweet time getting our first win on the board, though, didn't we? How about we now kick on, eh?

[neilhoskins77]

1 hour ago, CFuller said:

You know when you've been Tanga'd, Neil. 

We took our sweet time getting our first win on the board, though, didn't we? How about we now kick on, eh?

It was only a matter of time before football corruption reached the Cook Islands. That ref and his assistants were like three blind mice. You got lucky Fuller  

[EvilDave]

“Thank you for answering our questions, Mr Fuller, that’s been very helpful.”

“No problem, sir. Anything I can do to help.”

“Hmm, you know the right things to say, don’t you? I’m sure you’ll have figured out by now that you’re not the only one we have our suspicions about, but you’ll be hearing from us again in the future. Just be aware, Mr Fuller – we’re watching you.”

“In that case sir, I hope you enjoy the games. Yesterday was my favourite so far.”

“Smart talk won’t get you very far, Mr Fuller. Goodbye.”

A visit from two men who he assumed were plain-clothes policemen was not the post-match day that Chris Fuller had been hoping for. With his side ending Takuvaine’s impressive start to the season in a dominant 3-1 win, he had been looking for something a little more celebratory. By the time his visitors left, he was in no need to break open the beer.

The two men, dressed immaculately in crisp, white shirts, had come to him first purely by chance, they insisted, but would be investigating all seven of the FMS managers. They had reason to believe, they told Chris, that they were not, in fact, high-calibre football managers, owing to the fact that none of those in the corridors of power at the Cook Islands FA recognised any of their names.

Chris had been understandably concerned by this news, given that their suspicions were almost entirely correct – correct in that none of the seven were football managers in the real world sense of the term, but not entirely in that the two gentlemen seemed to believe that the FMS crew were part of an elaborate international crime syndicate that were somehow manipulating the Cooks Islands Round Cup. Exactly how many people were betting on football in the South Pacific he was unsure of, but he felt now was not to time to ask.

To be honest, it was a surprise that it had taken the authorities this long to cotton on to the fact that while the FMSers had not concealed their identities, Neil had evidently embellished their credentials quite considerably in his conversation with the FA. The very fact that they believed Mark Wilson to be a former Manchester United and England manager was quite incredible given that these people were running the sport for an entire country, but at last they had seen sense. At least his own FMS persona was not too far-fetched – nobody outside of a tiny town in the Basque Country had even heard of Elgoibar, and they almost certainly didn’t have an online presence. Could anybody really prove he was a fraud?

After a moment or two of quiet reflection following the two men’s departure, Chris felt decidedly less shaken. Of all the seven, his profile seemed to be one of the more believable – if you brushed over the fact that Dagenham and Redbridge will surely never get anywhere near the Premier League in real life. Besides, if they were found guilty of anything – and in his mind it was the FA who were guilty of gross stupidity – what were they going to do? Deport them? That was almost the point of taking the jobs in the first place.

[CFuller]

You're never going to let me forget about Elgoibar, are you? 

4 minutes ago, EvilDave said:

Of all the seven, his profile seemed to be one of the more believable – if you brushed over the fact that Dagenham and Redbridge will surely never get anywhere near the Premier League in real life.

I fear you may be right there. The Daggers are struggling to get near the Football League at the moment. 

[EvilDave]

Of course not Chris - if I can't have a dig at the only black mark on your record in my own story, when can I?!  
---

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Six Review: Favourites pull clear as strugglers shock challengers

As the first team reached the halfway point of their Round Cup season, there were huge celebrations in the Puaikura camp as Tenthree Leader masterminded a shock away win to earn the struggling side’s first victory of the season away at Matavera. Elsewhere, there were wins for champions Nikao and leaders Tupapa Maraerenga, the latter opening up some daylight at the top of the table and leaving four points between the top four ahead of the midseason break.

But all the headlines will rightly go to Puaikura, whose unexpected win at Matavera lifted them off the foot of the table and dealt Evil Dave’s side’s title challenge a damaging blow. Even when Andrew Iroa gave the basement dwellers a 16^th minute lead, there were few concerns among the Matavera faithful – and even fewer when Brett Gibson arrowed home from inside the box just 45 seconds later to level the scores. However, the game swung on a contentious penalty decision, Tokari Noorua adjudged to have brought down Iroa three minutes after the break when contact looked minimal. Regardless of the Matavera protests, Iroa dusted himself down and converted the spotkick to become the first man to net a brace in this year’s Round Cup. The home side have struggled to break down opponents all season, and Tenthree Leader’s decision to order his side to switch to a counter-attacking system paid dividends, Sandy Numanga streaking clear at the death to seal a much-needed win and move to within three points of their vanquished hosts.

Also on the move were champions Nikao, whose 2-0 win at Avatiu saw them leap to third in the table and behind Matavera only by virtue of scoring two fewer goals in their five games. In truth, Joey Baldwin’s men did not look like champions for the first 40 minutes of the match, but a moment of individual brilliance from Conrad Piri – the striker beating two men before clipping over the onrushing goalkeeper – put them ahead before Junior Lupena’s shot two minutes later wrongfooted Teariki Anitonia to double the lead. Chris Fuller’s side, who have often played better in the second half than the first this season, failed to improve after the interval, allowing the reigning champions to move to within three points of the leaders.

Those leaders are Copper Horse’s Tupapa Maraerenga, who continued their impressive defensive form to preserve their unbeaten record with a 1-0 win over Neil Hoskins’ Takuvaine. Led by the enigmatic American, the league leaders have conceded just twice all season, and after Will Kapi headed in a corner with 10 minutes of the first half remaining, there was only ever likely to be one winner. While the hosts keep on winning, Hoskins must now focus on ensuring his team’s strong start to the season is not in vain – back-to-back defeats are not the ideal preparation for a three-week break.

Matavera 1-3 Puaikura (Gibson 17; Iroa 16, 48, Numanga 80)
Avatiu 0-2 Nikao (Piri 41, Lupena 43)
Tupapa Maraerenga 1-0 Takuvaine (Kapi 37)

[EvilDave]

“Mr Dave, do you happen to have a copy of your CV with you?”

“I don’t I’m afraid – I only came here on a last-minute holiday, I had no intention of applying for work.”

“And yet you are now the manager of Matavera Football Club.”

“That’s right – it isn’t what I expected either.”

“Mr Dave, what can you tell us about… Prestatyn Town?”

The same two men were now at the home of the Matavera boss, for whom their visit was a welcome distraction after watching his side dismantled by Tenthree’s Puaikura. He couldn’t help but smirk when they asked about Prestatyn – he had done plenty of research about the club before writing the first chapter of his Owain Williams saga, and so had plenty of ammunition with which to return fire.

“What would you like to know? I’d be happy to tell you all about them – they’d be glad to hear you were interested!”

Half an hour later, the two visitors were sorry they had asked. The previous five years of league positions, condition of the stands at Bastion Gardens and the need to expand, the character of chairman Chris Tipping – Dave even allowed himself a short rant about ‘the traitors at TNS’ for good measure. He could have convinced anyone that he was a lifelong fan of the club, yet alone a one-time employee.

In a message sent to a group WhatsApp chat, Chris had warned his fellow managers about the two mysterious figures who had paid him a visit after the previous round of matches, and the seven were now in a race against time to get their stories as straight as possible. Like Chris, Dave was relatively content that given the obscure nature of some of his work, he would be able to come up with a plausible explanation for this past – registered name of Evil aside – or at least plausible enough to divert attention onto those managing more high-profile clubs such as moderator Wilson.

On this occasion, his visitors seemed suitably satisfied with their suspect’s answers – either that or they were simply driven to distraction by the level of detail to which Dave was able to delve. However, it was impossible that too much time would pass before they came across something which didn’t fit – dates and names being just too obvious examples – and come back with further questions.

Dave posted in the group that he too had received a visit, and then relaxed. With his interrogators gone and the Round Cup now on a three-week break, he was looking forward to a little bit of time by himself, away from the surreal situation he found himself in as a football manager and away from the prying eyes of shady authorities. The decision to give his players a week off had gone down a treat with his team, but it was almost entirely motivated by selfishness. A bit of quiet and time to think would do him a world of good, and he couldn’t wait to get started.

[EvilDave]

At the headquarters of the Cook Islands FA, a very serious meeting was taking place. The two sharply-dressed gentlemen who had thus far interrogated both Chris and Dave were present, as were the leading names in the sport. This was no ordinary meeting – it was crisis time.

Following the work of their private investigators, the footballing authorities were under no doubt that they had played for fools by the FMS gang, but had no way of supporting this in a court of law. Given that the FA had agreed to Neil’s proposals without formally interviewing the seven, they could not claim that they had been duped, tricked or conned into the decision – only that their own eagerness to see the Round Cup go ahead had seen them dispense entirely with due diligence. If such a fact were to make its way into the general public, they would almost certainly lose their positions.

The two investigators had been impressed with the managers they had interviewed so far – Chris had been confident almost to a fault, explaining his managerial ‘journey’ from Romford to Dagenham via a town in Spain that they had needed to search for online to be sure it existed. He was well-informed, and could even clarify ‘facts’ from his apparent backstory.

The same was true of the Matavera manager, who seemed to know so much about Prestatyn that he could conceivably have grown up there. The investigators had left early out of boredom, and when it became apparent that they were not about to trip him up on a purely factual basis. They needed more than that, and they already had it.

Dave’s story, as mind-numbingly accurate as it was, related not to anyone by the name of Evil Dave, but a Welshman by the name of Owain Williams. Not only that, but many of the events he had referred to in his interview had, according to their online research, never occurred – save for one thread in an obscure forum that seemed to predicting the future of the football world. Similarly, there were no records on the UK government’s website of anyone ever having been born with the name Evil Dave, nor in the US archives of a Copper Horse or Tenthree Leader. They were confident that the men they were dealing with were not being entirely truthful with their identities.

Those that did exist – Chris Fuller, Joey Baldwin, Mark Wilson, Neil Hoskins – had names which were far too common for them to trace, although curiously there was not a single record of any of the four men managing even a school football team, let alone a professional outfit. Wilson in particular had thrown up a huge red flag in their searches – it did not take long to find a comprehensive history of Manchester United managers, and unless they had failed to recognise Sir Alex Ferguson, there was no way the Titikaveka manager was who he claimed to be.

And yet their own haste to get the competition up and running had meant that there was no obvious way for them to hold the FMS managers accountable. Cancelling their contracts without reason would be an awful PR move, and besides there were no other managers willing to work in the Cook Islands.

“Well, we have no choice,” declared the FA President to a hushed room, “other than to let these men manage. At the moment, they are proving just as competent as our own managers, and the Round Cup is attracting more attention because of them than it ever has done. At the moment, they are a good thing.

“What concerns me is that we do not know who they truly are. We have nothing to hold against them if they decide the share their stories, and that is worrying. We must discover their true identities, they must not know what we are doing, and we must do it quickly. If all goes well, we will never need to use the information we gather. But if things go wrong – we will need all the help we can get.”

[EvilDave]

Tenthree was next in the firing line for the two investigators – the FA doing themselves few favours by using not only the two best-dressed men in the whole of the Cook Islands, but also by adopting the same investigatory tactic on each occasion. The American was ready for them, indeed he had been expecting them for several days, and his talk of his time in Italy and then constant battles with board members at Reading were even more convincing than Dave’s talk of Prestatyn. There was even a tear as he spoke of his concern for his beloved Patty.

Both thoroughly convinced of the man’s legitimacy, and utterly baffled by what they knew could only be complete fiction, the two men retreated after an hour or so, unsure what to think and no wiser as to their suspect’s identity or motive. He had remained polite, courteous and hospitable throughout, and even his surroundings bore witness to his tale – hefty tomes on football tactics which had clearly been imported from elsewhere. Still, they knew he had to be bluffing – Tenthree Leader simply didn’t exist.

After their visit, the Puaikura boss returned his attentions to his present occupation and, after sending the compulsory WhatsApp message to his fellow managers, set about trying to defeat them. In what the group were billing as the ‘Battle of the Mods’ – a title which would no doubt have confused the FA’s sleuths no end – his side were all set to host Mark Wilson’s Titikaveka in a couple of days, the Round Cup resuming after a lengthy break. None of the managers could quite understand why a 12-game season required a three-week break, but it was only one in a long line of Cook Islands idiosyncrasies that they were slowly learning to take in their stride.

He had watched as fellow mod Wilson had slowly transformed his side into a strange shadow of one of the poorest Manchester United sides in living memory, and so it was with confidence that he had been urging his players to take the game to their visitors. A second consecutive victory would send Puaikura shooting up the table and back into contention for the top spots, and Tenthree still firmly believed that he could guide his men to the title. If he didn’t believe, he reasoned, there was little point in even trying.

Besides which, his bank balance was hurting. When he had reluctantly agreed to take the FMS award winners away, he was expecting a short European city break – maybe to take in a match in Milan or Madrid – not a journey across the world to one of the least accessible and most expensive to reach islands on the planet. Furthermore, he had expected to be home long ago, and was desperate to return home to regular life in the States.

Given that he had funded the whole thing, he felt he was entitled to the prize money. It would barely cover the flights, and although the FA were paying all of the managers handsomely in return for them enabling the competition to go ahead, he saw it as only fair if Wilson and the rest allowed him to recuperate his initial mammoth outlay.

Suddenly he remembered – this had all been Wilson’s idea in the first place. Not only the holiday, but the Cook Islands as well. A fist clenched as he turned back to his tactics software – he was going to win on Saturday, and he was going to win well.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Seven Review: Champs show steel and Puaikura strike again as table tightens

The Round Cup resumes, and after one complete set of fixtures, the table is tightening up as our seven guest managers do battle for glory. In Saturday’s resumptive round, champions Nikao put up a good fight against the league leaders, Matavera’s slump continued, while early strugglers Puaikura earned their second win on the bounce. Just four points separate five sides, and with only half the campaign remaining, everything is very much to play for.

The match of the round saw champions Nikao host pre-season favourites and league leaders Tupapa Maraerenga, and in a clash between the sides many expect to finish as the top two in the Round Cup, there was no shortage of incident. A more subdued second half was the only possible after a frantic first period which saw no fewer than 20 shots on goal, two finding the back of the net and seeing both Joey Baldwin and Copper Horse out of their dugouts with some regularity. It was the hosts who struck first, and indeed early – Ioane Victor capitalising on a rare defensive mix-up to net just the third goal the visitors have conceded this campaign – but their lead would last just a quarter of an hour. Mike Mataio was the man to maintain Horse’s side’s unbeaten record with a poached finish, and earn a point which was a fair reflection of a hard-fought game. Baldwin may well consider his side unlucky not to have grabbed the win, but his team’s efforts bode well for the remainder of the year.

Just four points off the summit are Puaikura, after Tenthree Leader’s men earned their second consecutive win over new bottom side Titikaveka on home soil. Mark Wilson no doubt berated his side after throwing away a lead earned through Piri Matapo’s penalty, the visitors undoing their hard work in the first half with a poor defensive showing in the second. It took the hosts just four minutes to level the scores through the in-form Iroa, and from then on there was only ever going to be one winner, Leader’s side grabbing the goal in somewhat fortuitous fashion when Iroa’s shot was blocked into the path of Terry Piri unmarked inside the area. It is often said that in football you have to make your own luck, and Titikaveka fans will be hoping that manager Wilson can conjure up something soon to lift them off the foot of the table.

The other side worrying about their form will be Matavera, after two goals in the first 10 minutes for surprise package Takuvaine saw Evil Dave’s side slump to their second defeat in a row and four games without a win, the early challengers fading fast. By contrast, Neil Hoskins has led unfancied Takuvaine to the second place few thought they would be able to replicate, and deserves all the plaudits for doing so – to maintain their title challenge would arguably be the finest achievement of the season.

Nikao 1-1 Tupapa Maraerenga (Victor 7; Mataio 23)
Puaikura 2-1 Titikaveka (Iroa 49, Piri 73; Matapo 28)
Takuvaine 2-0 Matavera (Ngametua 7, Nicholas 9)

[mark wilson27]

Well done tenthree on winning the "Battle of the mods". 

 

[neilhoskins77]

1 hour ago, mark wilson27 said:

Well done tenthree on winning the "Battle of the mods". 

 

You'd best start winning some games Wilson, or you're going to get us all arrested as blaggers!

[mark wilson27]

1 hour ago, neilhoskins77 said:

You'd best start winning some games Wilson, or you're going to get us all arrested as blaggers!

As long as I don't go down, couldn't cope with another stint inside 

[EvilDave]

You'll just have to wait and see chaps - although I have to see it isn't looking great for a certain Mr Wilson...
--

Neil Hoskins was enjoying life in the Cook Islands. He hadn’t mentioned it to any of the others, but he was seriously considering staying beyond the Round Cup season. He didn’t know how his family would respond to the idea, and it suspected it might bring an abrupt halt to his thinking, but that was a problem for another day.

Here, hundreds of miles from the nearest major nation, away from the stresses and strains of the demanding Western lifestyle he was used to, Neil felt at peace. The pace of life was slow, very slow, and yet as one just a handful of foreigners on the island he was treated with a dignity and respect that far surpassed the anonymity he felt back home. On the island, he felt like not only he but everyone else mattered – he could not say the same for his native land.

Not only that, but the life of escapism that had first led him to FMS was now a reality, and a reality in which he was proving to be rather successful. His desire to see the world, once played out by virtual dots in the backwaters of Russia and Kyrgyzstan, was now as clear as day, his temporary home a place he barely knew existed beforehand. For somehow who placed a high value on getting on the tourist trail, he had done very well.

And of course, there was the little matter of his sporting achievements to boot. It had been Neil who had saved the day for the FMS seven by securing their lucrative contracts with the Cook Islands FA, earning himself privileged status among his peers. Having been handed what was supposedly the worst side in the league in the draw, his managerial skills – something he doubted whether he truly possessed – had guided Takuvaine to second in the league, and ensured that his club were the talk of the whole footballing community on the islands. It may have been the Cook Islands, but there was no doubt he was doing a good job. If he were to win the league and stay, he would have the chance to put himself in the shop window at the regional O-League – could a genuine career in management really beckon?

There was still a long way to go – thanks in part due to the pesky men who had showed up at his door at an unearthly hour in the morning to ask him question after question about Lurgan Celtic and Metallurg Magnitogorsk. A man who, like his fellow FMSers, was not one to skimp on research, he was more than able to furnish them with the details they required, but was a little baffled at why he was forced to do so at 3am. Not only that, but it was clear that his questioners were also more than ready for bed – whoever had put them up to this were not used to detective work. Still, they had left him alone eventually.

Having sorted his plan for Titikaveka, he now toyed with the idea of calling home, of putting his plan to his family and waiting for the response. He had it all worked out – what to say, how to say it – but a glance at the clock on the wall but an end to his plans. He knew that if received a call in the dead of night, he wouldn’t be in the mood for discussing anything, let alone uprooting his life. That conversation would have to wait.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Eight Review: More misery for Wilson as top two win yet again

The second half of the 2017 Round Cup kicked off on Wednesday night with patterns beginning to emerge – wins for the top two, and another defeat for hapless Titikaveka, who failed to add to their four goals this season. Takuvaine continue to impress, while Matavera earned their first point in three attempts with a gritty come-from-behind draw away at Nikao.

Neil Hoskins has masterminded an extraordinary season for the underdogs of Takuvaine so far in the Round Cup, and their seventh fixture was no different as they brushed off the challenge of Mark Wilson’s downtrodden Titikaveka. Wilson’s men can at least take heart from a goalless first half in which they had their fair share of the chances, but a failure to take them has haunted them before and did so again yesterday. Just two minutes after the break they found themselves behind to Jasion Arioka’s glancing header, and when forced to come out and chase the game their attacking deficiencies were clear for all to see. Their hosts were quick to break and looked by far the more dangerous of the two sides, finally netting the clincher in the 82^nd minute through Will Heather. The hosts roll on in style, while Titikaveka must surely now focus simply on not finishing bottom of the pile.

The only side ahead of Hoskins’ men are Tupapa Marearenga, the pre-season favourites living up to expectations by topping the table. Louis Willis fired Copper Horse’s men ahead at Avatiu after just 11 minutes and a routine win looked to be on the cards, but with the lead at a single goal heading into the interval they were forced to stay on their toes. Five minutes later, Andrew Drollet marked his return from injury with a well-taken run and finish to tie the game, and Chris Fuller’s side looked like unlikely spoilers of their visitors’ good run. However, the table-toppers are not flying high without good reason, and in a high-paced end to the match stole the win through Sam Margetts’ third goal of the campaign. Winning when not at your best is said to be the mark of champions, and Horse’s men’s will to win looks ominous for their title rivals.

Finally, Evil Dave’s Matavera enjoyed a bittersweet afternoon at Nikao – sweet in that a 1-1 draw snapped a losing streak and showed some fortitude to come from behind, and yet bitter in that their run without a win extends to five games and stretches back to the second match of the season. Don Hallin’s crisp finish, netted just 32 seconds into the second period, marked a welcome return to form for the hitman, but by that time Matavera were already trailing Joey Baldwin’s men, Josie Rani having beaten Ngere to a cross before the break to put the champions ahead. A late red card to Romano Moetaua gave the visitors hope, but with just two minutes remaining there was not enough time for them to make their advantage count.

Takuvaine 2-0 Titikaveka (Arioka 47, Heather 82)
Avatiu 1-2 Tupapa Marearenga (Droilet 50; Willis 11, Margetts 76)
Nikao 1-1 Matavera (Rani 35; Hallin 46)

[EvilDave]

“We’re supposed to be champions lads, now act like it!”

After another game without a win, Joey had called in his Nikao side for an extra training session. It wasn’t the most popular decision with the players, but the truth was that they were supposed to the defending champions and were in real danger of slipping off the pace. An extra session was exactly the sort of thing a real football manager would do – and so Joey was keen to emulate it.

He was still struggling to come to terms with the low level of ability on display from not only his team but every side in the Round Cup, and so was not quite sure at what level to pitch his drills. He’d read enough training manuals and seen enough YouTube clips to have a vague idea of what his men should be getting up to during training, but he was having to pick a level more akin to the average England under-14s school side than the elite academies that tended to publish their programmes.

The results were not brilliant – the club’s third-choice goalkeeper had been employed to stand some 20 yards behind the net during shooting practice, such was the regularity of wayward efforts – but at least the players were trying. That was something, and he wasn’t going to take it for granted.

“Mr Baldwin?”

Joey spun on the spot, twisting his left ankle slightly in the process. Grimacing, he turned to the see two men he had heard so much about, dressed in their matching suits, with notepad at the ready.

“Mr Baldwin. How did it feel to be relegated in your first managerial job?”

Joey paused – this was his first managerial job, and as far as he was aware there was no relegation in the Cook Islands. If there was, he couldn’t imagine there was a huge pool of teams ready to step up into the Round Cup. Besides, Nikao weren’t even bottom of the league. Then he realised what was going on.

“Oh, you mean FM? To be honest it was a massive disappointment, but at the same time US Colomiers just didn’t have the resources to compete at that level. It ended up getting me back to England, so it was a blessing in disguise really. You learn from your mistakes, after all.”

The two men glanced at one another in unison, the movements of their bespectacled eye mirroring their partner’s perfectly. The glance was quickly accompanied by raised eyebrows and matching smirks.

“FM? We aren’t familiar with the term – could you please explain the letters?”

“FM – stands for Football Manager doesn’t it, everybody knows that. Used to be CM for Championship Manager back in the day, but they changed it.”

“So we would have referred to you as a Championship Manager a few years ago?”

“Not really, it doesn’t work like that. You were always a football manager, it’s just that championship sounded a bit grander, didn’t it. Like why some competitions call themselves a Super League when there’s nothing super about it.”

“Interesting. Tell us Joey, how did you get into this FM?”

“Same way most do I suppose – it was a gift from my dad. Got me interested young, and I never got bored of it. Never saw the appeal in any other games.”

“Thank you – we know you’re busy so we won’t keep you from your team any longer. Goodbye Mr Baldwin.”

The smiles on the faces of his interviewers told Joey straight away that something had gone wrong – he had either said the wrong thing, or they had horribly misunderstood what he was saying. Panicking, he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a message to the other six which gave away his concerns: “I think we’re in trouble.”

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Nine Review: Home comforts as Matavera win again and Leader bests Hoskins

Matchday nine of the 2017 Round Cup saw the league’s away sides come up short, with Avatiu, Takuvaine and Nikao managing just a point between them. Home advantage was enough to see the beleaguered Titikaveka of Mark Wilson score just their fifth goal of the campaign and earn a long-awaited win for Evil Dave’s Matavera, while the battle of the pre-season underdogs saw Puaikura claim a tough win against in-form Takuvaine.

With league leaders Tupapa Maraerenga sitting out the day, it provided the rest of the clubs in the Round Cup with a chance to make up ground, and Evil Dave’s Matavera took full advantage to record their first win since the second match of the season. Despite failing to win in their last five, they took full advantage of yet another poor first half performance from Chris Fuller’s Avatiu to head into the break with a 2-0. Alan Newnham showed a glimpse of the form he had earlier in the campaign with a pinpoint curling finish after just 12 minutes, and the early momentum carried through to the end of the first period. The lead was doubled with a towering header from Nga Sila just after the half hour, and Fuller made the bold move of making a substitution before the interval such was his side’s miserable display. A second change followed at the break, but the second 45 minutes failed to provide the entertainment of the first, and while Matavera will hope to spark their campaign back into life, Avatiu now find themselves cut adrift of their competitiors and in a straight fight with Titikaveka to avoid the league’s wooden spoon.

The other club to benefit from home advantage was Puaikura, Tenthree Leader’s slow-starting side now firmly back in the title picture after three consecutive wins. They would have been considered to be underdogs against Neil Hoskins’ Takuvaine, but the league’s surprise package were simply unable to maintain the pace despite taking an early lead through Rua Ropiani. In the face of increasing pressure from the American manager’s side Takuvaine held out until the break, but less than 10 minutes after it the sides were level, Cameron Robertson side-footing home after a goalmouth scramble. Ten minutes later, Torea Tangata prodded home from inside the six-yard box to complete the turnaround, and a win in their game in hand come now see Puaikura climb to second in the table – a remarkable transformation Leader’s club.

With the comforts of home evidently in play this Saturday, even struggling Titikaveka were able to find the back of net – but there was further frustration for boss Mark Wilson as champions Nikao pinched an equaliser to keep the hosts at the bottom of the pile. Piri Matapo opened the scoring with just his side’s fifth goal of the season 10 minutes in, but Joey Baldwin’s men fought back well and were rewarded for their efforts with an equaliser four minutes from the break through Conrad Piri. With goalmouth action scarce in the second period, the two sides settled for a point which neither particularly wanted – Titikaveka needing wins to improve their position, Nikao requiring them if they harbour hopes of retaining their title.

Matavera 2-0 Avatiu (Newnham 12, Sila 34)
Puaikura 2-1 Takuvaine (Robertson 53, Tangata 64; Ropiani 8)
Titikaveka 1-1 Nikao (Matapo 10; Piri 41)

[EvilDave]

“You’re telling me that these men spend their time writing about a computer game!”

Following their productive interview with Joey, the two investigators had gone away and done some research. What he had mentioned about this mysterious ‘FM’ led them to think back to their quest for information on Prestatyn Town, and the one source available which had matched up with Evil Dave’s story. This time, armed with their suspicions about Baldwin, everything made sense.

“Yes sir. The reason they seem to be telling stories about the future is because they are living out these fantasies on a computer game – a management simulator called Football Manager. The forum we found, FM Stories, is a place where the most obsessive players write about their games for others to read.”

There was a pause as the FA President took in the information. He hadn’t known quite what to expect, but this was not it.

“Are you telling me that the Football Association is paying a king’s ransom to a bunch of fanfiction authors?”

“That’s one way of looking at it sir, yes. We searched the forums after making the connection, and they’re all there. It seems Leader and Wilson are moderators on the forum – they run the place.”

“Well, what else did you find?”

“The stories are very good, sir.”

“Sorry?”

“The stories they write. They’re highly detailed, original, engaging…”

“Pull yourself together man! I’m not paying you to sit and read stories! My word, what is this place coming to? Look, I need you to be absolutely convinced that this is who these men are. Are you 100% certain?”

“Absolutely sir. None of them have been active on the forum since arriving in the Cook Islands, and all seven of them won ‘awards’ at some annual recognition ceremony they held. That was hard reading – lots of music and in-jokes that we struggled to understand.”

“OK, so we at least the best Football Manager fanfiction authors here with us. How fortunate we are. Right, they need to know that we know. We have something against them now, they should agree to whatever they say.”

“Good plan, sir. We’ll round them up for you.”

“You’ll do nothing of the sort. It’s a matchday tomorrow, they’ll be deep in preparations, and we can’t interfere with that – we have a product to protect and somehow these amateurs are doing a good job. I’ll call the one who came to me, Hoskins, and get him to round them all up. It’s less suspicious that way.”

“Very good sir. In which case I believe our work here is done.”

“It is indeed. Now clear off before anyone sees you here.”

“There’s the small matter of payment left to resolve?”

The FA chief rolled his eyes in frustration – he had hoped they would forget about that in the excitement of landing on the truth. His organisation was not particularly wealthy at the moment, not after paying the FMS managers’ salaries and setting aside a £20,000 cash prize.

“Very well. You’ll find the amount we agreed in brown envelopes behind the reception desk. Thank you for your help.”

“Brown envelopes, sir? People might think…”

“Get out!”

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Ten Review: Last unbeaten streak over as leaders finally lose

With the 2017 Round Cup reaching the business end of the season, Copper Horse and his team lost the last unbeaten streak on the Islands after one of the performances of the year from Matavera. Evil Dave’s side blew the title race wide open with their surprise away win, while elsewhere victory for Nikao lifts Joey Baldwin’s men back into contention. In the third match of the evening, the two basement clubs shared the points to leave them five points adrift of the fifth-placed side, and mathematically ruled out of a title race they have never truly been in.

Victoria Park was the venue for the highest-profile match of the weekend, and ultimately the one which made the biggest waves. Hosts Tupapa Maraerenga would have expected to continue their unbeaten run to continue against a hot-and-cold Matavera side, but instead found themselves overrun by Evil Dave’s men in their best performance of the campaign. Relentless pressure from the outset resulted in Tokari Nooroa beating Junior Taraare to open the scoring just before the half-hour, and at the half-time whistle Copper Horse’s men were still to register a shot on target. The visitors dropped the pace a little in the second period, but were nonetheless able to keep the league leaders at an arm’s length until the dying moments. At that point, they simply turned the screw – Newnham with a deft finish at the near post – to double their lead, claim all three points, and end Tupapa Maraerenga’s proud unbeaten streak. Although they remain top of the table and with a game in hand, their lead is now only due to a superior goal difference compared to their conquerors.

While the top two met at Victoria Park, it was the bottom two sides who did battle in Avatiu, Chris Fuller’s hosts taking on Mark Wilson’s Titikaveka in a match which neither side could afford to lose. In the end, neither of them did – Drollet’s early strike cancelled out by the visitors courtesy of Poka Napa’s free-kick 20 minutes from time – splitting the points in a result which ultimately suits neither party. Avatiu remain off the foot of the table courtesy of a superior goal difference, but neither Fuller nor Wilson will be happy with the state of their season so far. Time is running out for them to improve.

Tupapa Maraerenga 0-2 Matavera (Nooroa 28, Newnham 88)
Avatiu 1-1 Titikaveka (Drollet 9; Napa 69)
Nikao 2-0 Puaikura (Haupini 27, Piri 65)

[EvilDave]

“So, that’s the situation. We know who you are, and you are very much not professional football managers. I know the people on these islands may not have access to the information you take for granted, but people out there are questioning your credentials and I’d like to know what you’re going to do about it.”

The FA President had got his audience, and after listing the evidence against the FMSers, awaited their reply. His final line was delivered with a confidence that masked his own uncertainty about how this would go – neither party had a huge amount of room for manoeuvre.

Naturally, having been the one to organise their agreement, Neil spoke first.

“With all due respect, Mr President, I don’t think we’re going to do anything about it.”

“Excuse me?”

Copper joined in the defiance.

“Y’all heard the man, didn’t you? We’re doing a darn fine job of keeping your cup going, and we know there ain’t nobody else ready to walk this road if we go. I dare you need us, don’t you buddy?”

“Now then Mr Horse, let’s lay out the facts here. You signed contracts under false names, and the Round Cup has been promoted on the basis of a lie. At no point did Mr Hoskins here inform us that you were writers rather than football managers, and that constitutes fraud in my eyes.”

“If that’s so,” interrupted Tenthree, “then why isn’t there a lawyer here?”

“Because,” Mark replied, “he knows he hasn’t got a leg to stand on. What do they do when there’s a takeover in the Premier League and they check the guy out?”

“Due diligence?” said Dave.

“Yeah, that’s the one. If they’d have checked us out, they’d have known exactly who we were before offering us the jobs. That’s just basic HR.”

“Wait a minute…”

“No Mr President, we won’t wait any minutes, thank you.” Chris made his contribution to the debate. “You and your organisation have messed this one up, we’ve saved the day by not only keeping your competition going but making it entertaining, and now you want to try and avoid paying us – I know what this is about.”

“Quite frankly,” said Joey, his initial sheepishness vanishing as his companions stood united, “you should be upping our wages. Without us, you’d have had no tournament, and you’d be out of a job.”

“Just out of interest,” said Neil, returning to his role as spokesperson, “why are there no managers willing to take a job here Mr President?”

The FMS seven glared at the man on whom the tables had very much been turned. His once-imposing figure seemed to shrink behind his desk by the minute.

“Because… because… because refused to pay them, damnit! The clubs here don’t have any money so the FA pays the managers, and we didn’t want to. That’s why there was a walkout, that’s why we had to get you guys to do it. Damn it all!”

“So why throw money at us?” Neil asked.

“Because you were the big draw, the thing that got people interested in the Round Cup again. Everybody knows the football is bad, but some high-profile foreigners getting involved – well, people are interested. If people are interested, we get sponsorship, and nobody questions what we do. It’s that simple.”

“So we really have saved the day?”

“I… I… Yes alright you saved the day. Well done, you’re heroes. Now get out of my office!”

This time it was Mark who came to the fore, striding up to the President’s desk and staring down at him with fire in his eyes.

“We will be leaving, Mr President, don’t you worry. But if you so much as even think about threatening me or any of us again, we shall be telling the press all about your failure as a president, your threats and your incompetence. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Good. Do you also understand that in addition to the £20,000 prize for the winner of the Round, there will be further financial rewards for every other manager in the league? Let’s say, dropping by £2,000 per position.”

“But, but that’s nearly £100,000!”

“You enjoy your job, don’t you Mr President? You wouldn’t want to lose it, would you? Especially not to a public outcry…”

“Alright, alright, I’ll get you your damned money. But if this gets out, you get nothing.”

“Then we have a deal. Goodbye Mr President. Have a good day.”

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Eleven Review: Leaders back on the Horse, more misery for Fuller and Hoskins’ men go second

As the 2017 Round Cup begins to draw to a thrilling conclusion, there was more action on Wednesday night – Tupapa Maraerenga heeding manager Copper Horse’s calls to bounce back from their first defeat of the season with a convincing away win, surprise package Takuvaine moving into second place with a win at home, and Tenthree Leader’s Puaikura winning their fourth game in five to stay in the title picture.

It was in Takuvaine that the pick of the action took place, with both the home side and visiting Nikao needing all three points if they were to hang on to the coattails of the league leaders. A nervy 45 minutes opened the match, with neither side particularly willing to gamble and risk making the mistake that could cost them the win, however just two minutes after the break that is exactly what happened. A rush of blood to the head saw Nikao’s Omai Dyer throw an elbow in the face of Clive Nicholas, leaving the referee with no choice but to reduce Joey Baldwin’s side to 10 men. Five minutes later Nicholas took his revenge in the best way possible, calming slotting home from just left of the penalty spot, before robbing his opponent of the ball from the kick-off and playing in team-mate Jeremy Robertson for a rapid-fire double. Two goals and a man to the good, Neil Hoskins’ side had little incentive to take further risks, and by simply keeping the ball amongst themselves, were able to seal all three points and leap above both their opponents and the resting Matavera into second place.

Ahead of them sit Tupapu Maraerenga, whose manager Copper Horse made a point of praising his side’s mental strength after they rebounded from a shock defeat to Matavera last time out with a convincing win over bottom side Titikaveka. Mark Wilson’s men looked vulnerable from the outset, and after a bout of early pressure it was little surprise to see the visitors open the scoring, defender Mark Vulcher heading in his third goal of a prolific season for the centre-back. On the stroke of half-time the lead was doubled through the boot of Grover Harmon, and the leaders of the pack went through the motions in the second period, limiting their hosts to long-range efforts and speculative attempts at goal. Another clean sheet and three more points bodes well for their title challenge – Titikaveka, on the other hand, have only two games left to save their season.

Down there with Wilson’s strugglers are Chris Fuller’s Avatiu, who were left cursing a lack of discipline as the second red card of the day turned a deadlocked match against Puaikura in their opponents’ favour. Fans at Raemaru Park were greeted to a thrilling opening exchange which saw Nga Dyer drive home after just nine minutes for the hosts, only for Francis Tamangaro to level the scores just 60 seconds later with a bullet header beyond Tony Pirangi. After that initial burst of activity the game began to slow, and after a pulsating 45 minutes the teams headed in level in a game too close to call. However, 10 minutes into the second half Vaivase Samania, already on a booking, chopped down his man 35 yards from goal and was forced to walk, giving Tenthree Leader’s side the upper hand and sending the momentum swinging in Puaikura’s favour. Sure enough, it was the home side who found the winner, Pare Tangata shrugging off his man and shooting low into the corner with a quarter of the game to go, and ensuring his team stay in the title hunt for the time being.

Takuvaine 2-0 Nikao (Nicholas 51, Robertson 52)
Titikaveka 0-2 Tupapa Maraerenga (Vulcher 28, Harmon 45)
Puiakura 2-1 Avatiu (Dyer 9, Tangata 72; Tamangaro 10)