FM17 - The Anxiety Diaries

dirkgently1066 · November 30, 2016

With FM17 top of my Christmas wish list, countdown the days with me as I set the groundwork for my latest jaunt into the digital domain of football management. Over the next few weeks in the run up to the big day I will run through the decision making process for starting a new game, with regular updates on my game to follow thereafter, all with a something of a twist.

Welcome Back

Having played the series since its inception in 1992, the 2014-15 season represented a watershed moment in my relationship with Football Manager.

After years of starting, failing and rage quitting, playing FM came to feel like a mental test, one that I kept coming up painfully short in. But after the threads of my life started to unravel and I found myself first entering, and then emerging from, a stint in therapy to tackle depression and anxiety, I was inspired to try one last time.

I started at the bottom, prepared to learn and work my way up. And I blogged my way through the whole thing, charting not just the highs and lows in game but in my mood. How did FM influence my real life anxiety issues? How did they in turn influence FM? The save took me from the non-league to the Premier League, via the birth of my son and the death of my dad. It was the most rewarding save of FM I have ever played. My journey ended with a comfortable mid-table Premier League finish and a World Cup jaunt with the USA. I walked away a little wiser and a little happier.

I genuinely thought that might be the last time I played FM, what with family and other commitments becoming heavier. But after a two year break I decided the time was right to dive back in. Once again I will chart my journey via a blog, this time utilising a more structured format, with weekly updates on VG Almanac. But one thing that will not change will be my approach to writing. No filters, no editing, no holding back. This will be a story about my game for sure but it will once again play out against the background of my life and how mental illness can influence, and be influenced by, my videogame experiences.

The Story So Far

As someone probably once said, you can't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been.

I won't trawl through my full mental history, although anyone with a desire to do so is very welcome to read the various blogs on my website. The short version is that after hitting the proverbial wall, I spent three months in therapy for depression and anxiety before emerging to find I had been made redundant. Thus began the challenge of reintegrating myself into the workplace whilst also trying to implement the behavioural changes and strategies I had been taught.

Three years on, I find myself in a complex place where I am both happy and yet in many ways more anxious than ever. My work life is settled if unspectacular. I occasionally find myself torn between a desire to push forward and a fear that holds me back. I feel both that I undervalue myself and yet am incapable of any more. My dreams remain unfulfilled, balanced against the fact that I am home in time for the kids to go to bed and leave the office behind me at 5 when I leave. Other complexities have emerged, including where I see myself fitting in, but ultimately I have come to the conclusion that it is the right place for me right now.

My home life has become more stressful as my children grow. Twins are inherently more difficult than a single child, something only parents of multiples can ever truly appreciate. Combined with the introduction of my boy going through the terrible two's, the house sometimes feels like a soft play centre with three wailing banshees running wild. I continue to fall short of the unattainable parenting standard I set for myself, which perhaps only helps to fuel the anxiety cycle that I so often find myself pedalling. But no matter the stress, no matter how much I might lose my rag sometimes, I remind myself that this is the life I chose. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anxiety remains a constant companion, that mate who always seems to turn up on the doorstep even when you don't remember inviting him. Others would likely be surprised at the things that cause me genuine internal panic, masked by the calm façade that I attempt to maintain. A decision to go back onto antidepressants earlier this year was mine alone, as was the decision to seek some additional therapy sessions, and I take comfort from my ability to assess my mood and take proactive action.

Life is a journey, an ongoing series of lessons with homework every day. My last FM session taught me that I was flexible, adaptable and more capable than I realised, something that seeps into and derives from my real life experiences. FM also caused me to question who I was, how I define myself. And these are issues I continue to wrestle with.

I enter FM17 then in some ways anxious yet at the same time a little more prepared, a little more confident and feeling ready to face down the challenges that may come my way.

Still To Come

In the next instalment we explore the crippling anxiety that comes with the simple act of deciding which team to manage.

Deisler26 · December 5, 2016

You're back! I loved your last thread. Following this one.

dirkgently1066 · December 6, 2016

In the first instalment we took a quick detour down Depression Drive and Anxiety Avenue to catch up on the latest developments. With the background established and Christmas looming, my shot at glory moves ever closer.

So, just one question remains...

Where To Start?

My 2014 save began at Sutton United down in the Conference South and as fascinating as that experience was, I have no desire to simply repeat what went before.

I thought about taking a fallen giant and restoring them to glory. Perhaps Newcastle who come with a good squad and huge potential, although I would feel bad about making Rafa unemployed, digital form or not. Leeds, Sheffield Wednesday, Rangers, each held a certain appeal but none leapt off the screen at me.

Part of me has always fancied a Mourinho-esque save, that is bouncing round the top divisions of certain countries, winning the league and then moving on. No long term planning, just amassing the best team in the shortest period of time and then heading off to the next destination. But in a way I had that experience when playing a two-player game back in 2003. And besides, I have an itch to scratch.

The dilemma I often find myself faced with is whether I approach FM as a true management simulator or a chance to manage my favourite team. Having tried and failed with the latter for so many years, it was the former that gave me such satisfaction. But I finally feel ready to go back and so this save will be based around managing Liverpool.

The Mighty Reds?

Managing Liverpool brings with it an immediate influx of anxieties, some echoes from earlier FM experiences, some new;

Can I resist the temptation to compare myself to Klopp's Liverpool?
What formation do I play? Should I just copy Klopp? How do I get the roles and duties right?
What if the real life team perform better than mine? What does that say about me?
What if I fail? What if I get sacked?
What if I succeed? Will I still want to continue?
Will this blog be as interesting if based around just one division rather than promotion and relegation?
I have been away for two years. I feel out of the loop. What has changed? Will I know what I'm doing?

It is a tangled mess of anxiety, which helps to explain the relative calm that came from basing myself elsewhere. But therapy taught me the importance of confronting and challenging anxious thinking. This is a battle of wills that I choose to accept.

Besides, there are some really important positives. Firstly, over the last couple of years I have felt somewhat removed from football generally and Liverpool specifically. Yes, yes the kids and all that. I rarely make time for Match of the Day, Super Sunday games are watched on my phone while I cook the roast and evening games are viewed from the 'comfort' of the exercise bike. But it goes a bit deeper. Playing FM, and given its incomparable scope and realism, you get under the skin of the club, getting to know all the players and staff, right down to the youth team and physios. Without that, and with more limited time (and desire, frankly) to read up on football news, the squad as a whole feel new and fresh. I welcome the chance to reconnect and to once again envelope myself within the body of the club.

Secondly, I have a reasonable starting point. One of the thrills of the Sutton save was discovering players and their best positions but it could also be frustrating trying to figure out if someone was miscast or just crap. Here, I have a standing start. I know the strengths of Coutinho, Firmino, Mane and Moreno (okay, not so much) and so I can focus more on the tactical side of things, putting into place some of the skills that I learned in my previous save.

Third and finally, there is Steven Gerrard, or rather the absence thereof. In all my previous Liverpool saves, from circa 2004 onwards, the success of a save came to hinge less on my overall managerial exploits and more on how Gerrard played. Forget the result, forget the league position, forget the trophy cabinet. Did Gerrard play well? Did Gerrard score? If not, why not? If I can't get Gerrard right I must be a failure.

My teams would be constructed around Gerrard to a fault. Using Rafa's 2008 team as the template I would seek to utilise Gerrard in the AMC slot. He must be on attack of course because he's a goal scoring superstar hero (one for you Sensi fans out there). But that meant the roles around him had to change to fit. Regardless of what other players I had or what roles their strengths warranted, they were sacrificed for the skipper. He had to be captain. He had to take penalties and free kicks. he had to be playmaker. In truth this was a repeating pattern, having been victim to the same mentality over Robbie Fowler's performance in CM 93/94. But in FM, with its myriad of options, this obsessive behaviour reached its zenith.

With Gerrard gone, there is a certain freedom. I still have an idea of tactically how I want to set up (more on that later) but I no longer feel the need to shoehorn one player in at the expense of all others. Everyone is equal, everyone is expendable. The team comes first.

And hey, I could always bring him back as a coach...

Still To Come

In the next instalment we take a look at what the team has to offer and start to work through deciding on a tactical shape and strategy

dirkgently1066 · December 10, 2016

On 05/12/2016 at 11:47, Deisler26 said:

You're back! I loved your last thread. Following this one.

Thanks buddy, looking forward to tucking back in to FM this year. I've got plenty of material to work through!

Keano16 · December 10, 2016

Very deep! I'll be following for sure.

The Silence Of The Allams · December 10, 2016

On 30/11/2016 at 14:20, dirkgently1066 said:

In the next instalment we explore the crippling anxiety that comes with the simple act of deciding which team to manage.

This is surprisingly true. I have not been able to commit to a single save for more than two seasons in years and choosing which leagues to load can be crippling.

Even as recently as the beta I was changing my mind constantly: Danish LLM, Italy, Germany back to my all time favourite Swedish fourth tier, never managed in Spain, Vannes has been a thought since a holiday there. I could spend longer choosing on the set up screen than some people spend playing.

I don't think it is any coincidence that I have finally settled down with one save I am happy with at exactly the same time the Prozac kicked in.

Choice can be terrifying.

BillHoudini24 · December 10, 2016

I will follow, not only because it's very interesting, but because I'm struggling with anxiety disorder too. I started therapy very recently and I'm trying to control it, in order to live a happy life. Hang in there!

dirkgently1066 · December 11, 2016

22 hours ago, The Silence Of The Allams said:

Choice can be terrifying.

Very true and a real insight into the crippling issue of anxiety. Something that most people would likely crave but that causes sufferers incredible tension.

dirkgently1066 · December 11, 2016

21 hours ago, BillHoudini24 said:

I started therapy very recently and I'm trying to control it, in order to live a happy life.

Good for you, buddy. It can be tough taking that first step to change. Be kind to yourself, it does get better.

dirkgently1066 · December 14, 2016

In part 2 we broke through the anxiety ceiling to make the all important decision of which team to manage. Decision made, we move on to the tricky problem of how to play.

But before we get too far, there is one problem; I still don't own the game. And having made a conscious decision to steer clear of the demo this year, I am entering the great unknown. I have no idea what my squad looks like in FM terms. I don't know what the roles and duties are. I don't know what the strategy and philosophy options are or even if they still exist as concepts.

Whilst this blank canvas gives me the opportunity to start from scratch, it makes writing a pre-emptive blog somewhat problematic. So, rather than attempt to go through my actual squad and tactics at this stage, I thought it would be interesting to document the internal trials and tribulations I experience even just thinking about tactical options.

We Find Your Current Team Selection Somewhat Questionable

Tactics used to be so easy of course. I'm English, so 442 was the default option. A couple of quick, skilful wingers, two workhorse centre mids and a poacher up front. Happy days. If I went rogue, I might stretch to a 433 or even (gasp!) a 352.

But that was pretty much it. No playmakers, no deep lying this or supporting that. Simple options for a simpler time. As the game has evolved, so have the options and whilst this has undoubtedly created a richer, more involving experience, for the anxious mind, this multitude of options can feel overwhelming.

In my 2014 save I scratched the itch that I had for a 442. After using it in the non-league I began to see the limitations, at least in the way I wanted to play. I organically moved toward a more specialised system, alternating roles and changing things up.

In recent years, my main tactical influence has been Rafa's Liverpool team of 2008. Utilising a 4231 shape, it was the strongest spine of a team I can remember in recent Liverpool history. Reina in goal, Carra at the back, Mascherano and Alonso in the middle with Gerrard behind Torres upfront. What a side that was. And so my recent tactical exploits have centred around trying to replicate this, although I soon ran into trouble.

The goalie is a fairly simple position. He's just a goalie, right? But then I'm playing a possession based game so maybe he should be a sweeper keeper. But then what distribution settings do I give him? And what if he gets caught too far upfield? And what if I sign a different goalie who can't meet these requirements?

Let's try the defence. A solid bank of four, a nice easy set up. But what's this? Cover, stopper, defend, limited defenders, ball playing centre backs. Good grief. And fullbacks, should they be attacking, supporting, defending or all three? Should they be ordinary full backs or wing backs. Should they be symmetrical or asymmetrical and do I need to think about the role in front of and next to them? Boy, this is getting complicated.

Midfield then. Alonso always had to be playmaker and always Mascherano had to be ball winner, I told myself. A ball winner must surely be defensive which means Alonso must be on support. But then Alonso gets lost in the middle of the park and doesn't play the deep lying role I intended so perhaps he needs to be defensive. But how can a playmaker make the play with a defensive mindset? And what do I do with his buddy, I can't have two midfielders on defend, and surely a supporting ball winner makes no sense?

Okay, let's move further forward. I like a good winger and the role behind the striker is straight forward, right? Right? Uh oh... So if I want attacking wingers, surely my attacking mid needs to be on support. But how can an 'attacking mid' have any role other than, you know, attacking? But they can't all be on attack or I'll leave a ruddy great hole in the middle of the park. And who will hang back and create? Maybe the AMC should be a playmaker then. But I already have a playmaker further back, I don't want two of them. But it's Gerrard, he has to be playmaker, creator and scorer all rolled into one.

And what about the striker? If the trio behind are on attack, he has to go on support. But who ever heard of a supporting striker? How will he score any goals? But if not him, who? Not Gerrard. And the wingers don't create enough on support. Oh I'm so confused. I need to go and lie down for a while.

And this is when I had the actual team I was trying to replicate! Imagine the fun since of attempting to replicate Rafa's tactic with different players, shoehorning Charlie Adam into the Alonso role or Andy Carroll as Torres. To the surprise of no one, I repeatedly failed.

I Used To Think I Was Indecisive But Now I'm Not So Sure

The mental muddle continues as I explore other tactics. Watching real life football, I often put on my FM goggles; how does this shape translate; what would this role be; how do I replicate these instructions? On the whole it is healthy, thought provoking stuff, FM helping me to watch football at a deeper level.

But there is a more sinister side. I flit endlessly from one great solution to the next. After deciding very firmly that I'm a Rafa man, I set my heart on 4231. But then here comes Conte with 3 at the back and I have an urge to try and implement it, only I'm too scared. Then I think back to the successful sides of Ferguson-era Man Utd and pine for the glory days of 442. But then I think, 'hey, if I was manager of Barcelona, how would Messi fit into a 442? In fact now that I come to think of it, how would he fit into my 4231? And what if I mentally piece together a dream 11, how would those players fit into my preferred system?' So I chop and change, making mental leaps this way and that, backwards and forwards. And this is before I even think about what my philosophy, style and instructions will look like.

I am reminded of a scene in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Data is attempting to explain a tactical scenario to Picard and goes through the various options, then options on top of options. He basically ends up in a scenario of, 'if he knows we know he knows we know...' to which Picard tells him he is over analyzing. And this is what I am doing. Of course a fantasy 11 wouldn't fit into my system. That isn't how (successful) tactics work. You can't decide on a shape and tactics set and then simply drag and drop players into it. Each player has an effect on those around him and the key to successful management is to figure out the balance of roles and responsibilities that complements the players available. Andy Carroll is not Fernando Torres. Charlie Adam is not Xabi Alonso. And try as he might, as I will no doubt soon discover, Alberto Moreno is no Djimi Traore.

I think I know how I will line up when I unwrap the game on Christmas morning. Then again, I might change my mind once I look at the squad a bit closer. To be honest, I have no idea. But then isn't that half the fun?

Still To Come

The big day is fast approaching and I can't wait to get started. Which is kinda awkward because I don't have much choice.

So join me in the next instalment just after Christmas as I take my first tentative steps back into the world of the greatest game on Earth

Deisler26 · December 15, 2016

I'm fully with you on the fantasy tactics side. The amount of times I've said that I want to play a certain way (Spolier alert, I usually like adapting Bolton's Okocha/Anelka partnership) and I fail because I can't make it run that way.

dirkgently1066 · December 28, 2016

Finally got the game (yay!) and I'm almost afraid to start. I've been so stressed and tired recently that I wonder if i still have the fortitude for a proper FM session. Not only that but my mind has been racing with potential tactics to the point that I've worked through and defeated myself several times over.

And of course it's the same old nonsense; 442, 4231, 433. How do I crowbar in Sturridge, Firmino, Coutinho, Lallana and Mane whilst retaining a semblance of defensive shape? Maybe 3 at the back. Maybe 2 in midfield. Oh God, this is getting ridiculous.

The answer lies in my previous save where I freed myself from this circular thinking. 442, 4231 or 433? Who cares? How do I crowbar in all these players? I can't!

Being a football manager isn't about picking the best 11 players in your squad and expecting to just win. It's about picking a team, a unit of players that complement and bring the best out of each other. I may need to drop one of my fab five. I may find that my preferred formation doesn't quite work for the players I have. These are not reasons to feel defeated but rather challenges to embrace. Indeed, these are the very essence of FM.

Anyway, enough waffling. Christmas family visits are drawing to a close which means I can finally get hands on with the game tomorrow. Can't wait.

Deisler26 · December 28, 2016

Best of luck dude.

coachb05 · December 30, 2016

I understand overthinking the tactics part of it. I'm still pretty new (started playing on FM16 two months ago), but I would say go with the 4231. And don't worry about it, 3 or 4 games in Sturridge will get hurt like real life, and miss 2-3 months. Then you can start Firmino up top, Coutihno as AMC, and Lallana and Mane on the wings.

Good luck mate!

EDITED to add that I am following this thread!

dirkgently1066 · December 31, 2016

On 30/12/2016 at 08:28, coachb05 said:

3 or 4 games in Sturridge will get hurt like real life, and miss 2-3 months. Then you can start Firmino up top, Coutihno as AMC, and Lallana and Mane on the wings.

EDITED to add that I am following this thread!

Very true. 4231 is my preference but prepared to be flexible. Also want to be sure not to focus on any one individual.

And thanks for following, welcome aboard the Stress Express!

dirkgently1066 · January 1, 2017

The big day has arrived, I finally have my copy of Football Manager 2017! Time to put aside all my worries, all my doubts and just get on with the game, right? Right? Uh oh...

Keeping Up Appearances

I had this vision in my mind of the 'perfect' game of FM.

With my storied history of OCD-tinged rage quits and restarts, this was the year I said to myself that I would get it right from the start. Boot it up, play the game and never look back. Good, bad or indifferent I would chart it all in my blog so it didn't really matter what happened, it was all experience to draw from.

Within the first 30 minutes of loading up, I wanted to restart because I had got it 'wrong.'

Let's wind back a bit. Having not played for a couple of years I feel like somewhat of a newbie and there are some features that caught me off guard. First up was creating a digital representation of myself in game based on a real life photo. What a great idea! I dropped myself into the game, chose to add glasses and...does the colour look right? Are my glasses gunmetal grey or black? Let's hold them up to EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE until I grudgingly accept what I already knew; they're grey. But in-game they look too grey. Maybe I should have said black. Maybe I should start again and see what they look like in black.

Okay, let's move on. Favourite formation. No, no, no Little Englander, I'm not choosing 442 no matter how much of a whimsical pull it may have. I'm a Rafa man which means that my allegiance has firmly shifted to 4231. I like it, I understand it and I keep coming back to it. Second favourite formation? Pfft, who needs that? (can you guess..?)

Good grief, what's this now? Manager attributes. Coaching styles. Is this a wind up? It's like the developers read my last blog and thought, 'Hmm, how can we add more anxiety triggers for this guy?' Okay, let's think this through. Much as I enjoy a game of Tracksuit Manager, I'm very much of the tactical, cerebral approach. Arsene Wenger rather than Tim Sherwood, if you like. So I'll give myself a weighting towards this end of the spectrum whilst retaining a foot in the other camp. Extremes are for losers. There are far too many attributes here for me to pretend I have any idea what I'm doing or influencing so let's just say I'm a tactical manager, rather than a motivator, disciplinarian etc.

But wait! Remember that second preferred formation from earlier? You know, the one I said didn't matter? Well it turns out that it matters to me. Now when I click on my profile in game it says 2nd preferred formation 'unknown' and that just seems dumb. I've got it wrong again! Wrong coloured glasses and wrong profile set up. With no in game profile editor there is only one choice; start again.

But dammit, no. This is stupid, rigid, inflexible thinking. Fine, I'll exorcise the demon by creating a new 'test' game. And oh look, when I change the colour of my glasses to black they just look wrong. And 2nd formation? I'm not planning to use one. Presumably when I do my profile will update automatically to reflect that, just like with marking preferences et al. So no, I will not be starting again. Let's just get on with it.

There, that's me done. Handsome fellow, huh?

Meet The Team

Alright, that's the nonsense dealt with. And after the pleasantries of meeting the chairman and staff are dispensed with (some things really haven't changed from FM14) it's into the meat and drink of the game; the squad and tactics.

Here's my band of merry men;

Unlike with my old Sutton save, I have a fair idea of who is who and their best positions, but it will be interesting to see who the game rates and how they interpret the players strengths.

I'm keen to avoid any Gerrard-esque reliance on individuals but with that said there are some obvious names that jump out as important. Coutinho is the creative force of the side and I envisaged him playing as an AP in the AMC slot. Colour me surprised then when I find that the game places his best role as an AP from the AML slot. Conversely Adam Lallana, who I intended to deploy at AML, is a natural at CM or AMC.

Elsewhere Daniel Sturridge is likely to be my main goal threat, although if his real life injury record has carried over he is not someone to risk building around. Origi and Firmino will undoubtedly have roles to play. I like Matip and Sakho at the back, despite the latter's real world issues, and I like Mane on the right. Beyond that, there appears to be a lot of room for improvement. The goalie situation has been well publicised this season and whilst Karius may come good in time, I have little patience with Mignolet. Clyne is adequate at right back but the left side of defence is a big worry.

Moving into midfield and things get a little more complicated. I'll get into the combination of roles in a moment but I'm no fan of Henderson or Milner. Wijnaldum looks decent although I'm not sure how to utilise him and Can is a beast.The subs bench is okay but doesn't exactly scream champions. The under 23s and under 18s are relatively unknown to me.

On the whole then a big step down from the heyday of Torres, Suarez, Alonso et al but a pretty decent group and with a £40m transfer kitty, some room to make improvements.

The Picard Manoeuvre

Before starting I had been resolute that I would play 4231 and had an idea of how players would line up. I had some second thoughts after watching a few games and playing a bit of PES on PS4 but I stand by my original prognosis. I think it fits the overall team I have and, just as importantly, it's a formation I am reasonably comfortable building.

Starting at the back, I'm going with a basic goalie. I like the idea of a sweeper keeper but I'll hold off on implementing that until I 1) have someone who really excels in the role and 2) have an idea of what I am trying to achieve with it tactically. Going with that instruction now would be to crowbar in something without understanding it, a recipe for disaster.

In my last save I played around with asymmetrical wide roles to try and create overlaps but my preference has always been for full backs on 'auto' so that they provide appropriate support based on my tactical aggressiveness. Wing back roles have a place but given the roles to come further forward, these seem like overkill. In the middle, I used to like a stopper / cover combination. Jamie Carragher would be my archetypal stopper with Daniel Agger a covering ball playing defender. According to my coach reports, neither of my preferred pairing of Sakho or Matip suit this approach so I will stick with bog standard defensive roles for now.

The 2 centre mid positions are a challenge. In an attempt to replicate Alonso and Mascherano, I have traditionally looked to implement a defensive ball winner with a supporting playmaker, with limited success. After some surreptitious Googling, I stumbled across some excellent work but FM players with a far greater depth and understanding of tactics than I could hope to achieve (in particular I enjoyed Guide To Football Manager) which, in tandem with knowledge of my own players, helped me to build an understanding of how to construct complimentary roles and duties. Can then will play as a defensive DLP, offering a link to defence and midfield as well as providing a semblance of defensive cover. Next to him Henderson will play box to box, giving me a runner to go beyond the midfield and playing well to Henderson's strengths. In the AMC slot, Coutinho will be an AP support. I toyed with putting him on attack but I want him in the hole, playing in those around him. Lallana can also play here, indeed the coaches rate him highly in this role, but I favour the little Brazilian magician.

On the right, Mane walks straight into the AMR slot as an attacking winger. I expect him to get past his man and offer both traditional wing play creation as well as goals. On the left, Lallana (again) doesn't really suit a winger as he lacks the required pace and stamina but I don't want another playmaker in the side and none of the other roles fit so he'll have to lump it for now. I like him as a player but he may find himself relegated to the bench as cover for Coutinho if a better option presents itself on the left.

Up top, I'm going with Sturridge in the first instance. With a lone striker I prefer a complete forward but Sturridge lacks some of the attributes for this role. Guide to Football Manager cites the combination of creater / scorer and so I will start with a poacher role. I have reservations as to how involved he will be and had considered a basic Advanced Forward role so we will see how this develops. If and when Firmino or Origi come into the team I will need to alter this role, which may have an impact on Lallana and Coutinho.

Stepping away from the player roles, it is comforting to see that the philosophies and instructions have remained broadly unchanged, save for some improvements to the look and feel.

I often struggled with what team shape to use, usually coming back to Fluid. I have gone with Structured as I want an element of control whilst allowing additional creative freedom for those roles that warrant it. I intend to play a high tempo, high pressing, short passing game with players encouraged to play out from the back and work the ball into the box, all with a baseline attacking mindset.

I go into this eyes wide open, knowing full well that my set up could be demanding on the players and may lead to mistakes. At the same time this is the Premier League, these guys should be capable of moving the ball around and keeping their composure. As with all things though, I remain open to change if experience warrants it.

Black Dog Watch

I have been fairly jocular about it but my self doubt over something as simple as the manager profile is revealing of a deeper lack of confidence.

This seeps into my general first impressions. Despite being a series veteran, I initially felt almost overwhelmed. FM has always been a series that has revelled in detail but after 2 years away, I felt like a little boy lost. I had this underlying sense that I had to get everything 'right' as if there was some external force passing judgement on my actions. I have a nice transfer kitty but when it comes to it, I am concerned that I won't have the conviction to sign anybody for fear that by going against what Klopp has done in real life I will be getting it 'wrong.'

It is interesting how often this theme of judgement, of right and wrong, echoes through my game time. It is borne of black and white thinking and an underlying lack of self confidence. I fear to walk my own path lest I get lost on the way.

Still To Come

Phew, over two hours of playtime and I haven't even progressed to the first friendly yet! But after my early wobbles that saw me staring at the manager profile creation screen for over half an hour, I managed to make some reasonable progress.

Next time I'll take a look at transfer targets and tackle my first few friendlies.

dirkgently1066 · January 4, 2017

Talking Tactics

First month down and some interesting developments so far.

Our performance in friendlies has been encouraging with 5 wins out of 5 and 24 goals scored.

Each match introduced something new to think about but without doubt the most interesting developments came with the Roma game. At half time we were 1-2 down, only to run out in the second half comfortable winners, firing 6 goals into the onion bag. So what happened? Well, before I tell you, let's go back in time a little bit...

Long time FM players will remember a time before tactical philosophies, styles, roles and duties when managers had to use sliders to set up how they wanted their players to play. I spent hours trawling through tactics boards, trying to find a winning formula. The introduction of the roles and duties approach, doing away with the sliders, was a logical progression that on the face of it, made tactic building easier.

But there was a problem, at least for me. The use of sliders, whilst complicated, kept everything bespoke. By switching to roles and duties and introducing philosophies and styles, suddenly labels appeared that weren't there before. What sort of manager am I? None of the labels seemed to fit.

And so I took to the tactic forums once again and found a wonderful guide that used real life managerial examples and set out, in FM terms, how they line up. This was great! I could copy a manager I respected and, rather than figure out my own identity, just steal someone else's.

Of course this rather says something about my own lack of confidence and identity, a topic for another time, but the point is that I found a post about my man Rafa Benitez. The guide pegged him as a fluid manager, utilising a line of 3 attacking mids behind a supporting centre forward. This seemed like a nonsense to me, a centre forward should always be on attack so that he scores goals. But I slavishly copied without ever really understanding what I was doing because this guide written by someone I didn't know told me that's what Rafa would do.

Which is a very long winded way of getting to the fact that, after a couple of friendlies I began to make some tactical changes. Despite winning the second match handsomely, I wasn't happy with the quality of football being played. After reading another online guide (I know, I know...) I made the switch from Structured to Fluid. It made sense, the Fluid philosophy more suited to a team of intelligent, technically capable players. And despite only winning 3-0 next time out, the football on display was superb as we crafted chance after chance.

Still, Coutinho was struggling to make much of an impact. Whilst I remain committed to not placing too many eggs in one basket, I expect him to be a top performer and so if he isn't, I am prepared to consider changes. Against my better judgement I switched him out to the left but retained him as playmaker, Lallana coming infield as a plain old attacking mid. I was instantly rewarded as Coutinho completely ran the show, looking every inch the player we see in real life.

Ever incapable of making my own decisions, before the next game I switched Coutinho from attack to support because the tactic board said it suited him better. A further problem though in that Sturridge, switched from poacher to advanced forward and now complete forward was not getting involved, often finding himself isolated. This was never more evident that in the first half against Roma. And so at half time I made the reluctant switch to place him on support and Coutinho back to attack, my reluctance borne out of a sense that I was simply reverting to type.

It bloody well worked.

And I think I get it too. I have to be careful not to allow myself to think that, just because I have ended up doing something I used to do that it makes it inherently wrong or weak willed. I switched my bank of AM players to attack and my striker to support because I recognised that my striker was isolated and taking pot shots. On support, he remained a presence in the box but would now pull back too, creating space for onrushing attackers from deep, either giving them an opportunity to score or finding himself in a better position to do so himself. The change to fluid was also logical and evidence based, leading to more and higher quality chances. And besides, I have gone against the tactics creator to set Countinho to the role that works for me.

I appreciate that to some extent I am overthinking and over complicating things. Certainly my brother thinks so as he has fun just smashing teams with his 442. But this is what I enjoy about FM. I like to feel that I am having an influence, that my decisions cause the team to win or lose. I have no desire to return to the Diablo days of a single tactic that sweeps all before it. Sometimes cooking the meal is almost more satisfying than eating it.

Black Dog Watch

* I find myself somewhat overwhelmed by the game so far. Despite most of it being familiar to me, I feel a little lost. No transfers made so far, only a couple of staff hired and modest scouting undertaken. I have struggled to connect with it and even started to have doubts about whether I should have bought it.

* It hasn't been helped by limited game time as the New Year brought a sickness bug. I also find myself highly stressed and consequently very tired as I try to manage some work difficulties whilst balancing being a father of 3 demandathons. My PC is also painfully slow, the RAM upgrade I got for Christmas sadly incompatible.

* Underpinning this though is the lingering sense of needing to do everything 'right.' I'm not sure where this internal judgement comes from but I retain this sense of treating FM as different from any other game I play. I'm scared to sign players, scared to respond to media, scared to talk to the players in case they react negatively.

* Again, the Roma result helped to offset some of this. At 1-2 down, I started to wonder if this was going to be a grind but by taking control of my team and making reactive changes, I suddenly felt alive. This is what FM is about.

* And actually the lack of transfer activity is a conscious decision. My relative withdrawal from football over the last couple of years means that I don't know players at the level I used to. I need to reeducate myself by using the scouts and until I do so, I don't want to rush in and splash the cash just because it's there. And hey, maybe there is a hidden gem in the youth team just waiting to be discovered

Deisler26 · January 5, 2017

Good work on the Roma result, my friend!

dirkgently1066 · January 11, 2017

Season Update

Heading into October and the league table makes pretty satisfying reading as we sit comfortably on top of the pile with 6 wins from 6 matches. Our defensive record of 4 conceded is pretty good but can't match Man Utd's miserly 0, however no-one can top the 15 we have stuffed in the opposition goal.

Beyond the league table things are swathed in a sea of green as we have recorded victories across the board. Wins against Southampton, West Brom and Barnsley in the cup were fairly routine (West Brom providing limited if stubborn opposition) but our first real test came with the visit of Arsenal.

After taking a handy looking 2-0 lead at half time, The Gunners hit back right after the break before drawing level just before the hour. A Coutinho strike restored the advantage, only for that pest Ozil to equalise. Not to be outdone, Coutinho popped up with a winner with just a few minutes on the clock to secure a hard fought, not to mention highly fraught, victory.

Tactically we have remained consistent. It's funny how before the season starts I set out in my mind what our best team will be but inevitably injuries and form soon blow that out of the water. And actually I now find myself looking slightly further ahead, once I have had the chance to recruit and established a foothold in the game, to perhaps trying out some slightly funkier tactical options.

Standout Performers

It's funny but I had the impression that Coutinho had been fairly quiet but then when I check his stats I saw that not only was he our highest rated player at 7.91, he is also joint highest goal scorer with 5. Sturridge joins him on 5, putting paid to any concerns that a striker on a support duty cannot contribute at the business end. From the rest of the expected stars, Mane has delivered 3 goals and 3 assists whilst an injury plagued Lallana has also assisted 2 in his 2 games.

Our stars though have very much been of the unexpected variety. Eschewing Klopp's solution of James Milner, I opted to pick the much maligned Alberto Moreno at left back and he has been a revelation with an average rating of 7.65 and 3 assists. He's joined by perennial back up man Ragnar Klavan with a mighty rating of 7.54, keeping out Joel Matip, who has so far disappointed. Wjinaldum has also impressed when deputising for Lallana, Firmino or Coutinho, netting his 3 goals in a single game and Jordan Henderson has been quietly effective, contributing both goals and assists from midfield.

So far so good then and lots to be satisfied about. But hark, what's that strange barking noise I can hear from yonder hill?

Black Dog Watch

* Having early success makes me question, is it really me? Am I actually doing anything? I have made no signings, kept all the staff, frequently applied the assistant manager instructions and rarely had to lift a tactical finger mid match. And so a part of my mind won't allow me to enjoy these victories, determined as it is to taint them.

* It is amazing the power of the neighbour's garden. I just have to hear the numbers 442 and I get a pang in my guts that says, 'you need to start again.' I was listening to the radio the other day and the commentator noted that Man Utd had lined up in their cup game with, effectively, a 424 and I thought, 'that's what I should have done!'

* It's the equivalent of flicking through the TV channels and, despite spotting several programmes you like, keeping on searching just in case the next thing is even better than that last thing that was perfectly good enough in the first place. Or when you get takeaway and you can't decide between Chinese or pizza and you spend the rest of the night, mouthful by bitter mouthful, thinking that slab of cheese and bbq sauce topped dough would have been a better option than the chow mein and how you have wasted your money.

* So what is going on? These are not just isolated thoughts, there is a behavioural pattern.

Firstly it is worth bringing some real life context into play. I have been dealing with a particularly stressful situation at work that hits on all my triggers of self judgement and confidence. I have been coming home tired and wracked with doubt and therefore sat in front of the monitor in far from peak management condition.

Secondly are the legacy issues I battle; a overwhelming lack of confidence, the underlying assumption that I am no good, stupid, a fraud or any other judgemental, negative label I care to place on myself.

Some perspective then. These thoughts demonstrate my propensity for both black and white thinking (all or nothing, things are either good or bad) and negative bias (the 'yes, but' thoughts).

My mind says I am a 'fraud' and that I am having no influence because I use some of the game assists. Yes, but then I haven't played it for 2 years. And as I have gone along, I have gradually started to take control over training and recruitment. I haven't replaced the backroom staff because I wouldn't be confident at this stage of getting anyone better so why rush in? Same with player recruitment. These are not negatives, they are positives.

There are bigger tests to come of course. October brings the Merseyside derby whilst we travel to Stamford Bridge and host both the Manchester clubs before the year is out. But my experience with FM14 showed that, once I freed myself from the shackles of inflexibility, I was pretty good at this. Maybe, just maybe, I can start to believe it again.

Deisler26 · January 12, 2017

Good start to the season!

dirkgently1066 · January 14, 2017

Blimey, 10 wins from 10 competitive games. It's been a cracking start but, Aresnal at home apart, we haven't faced any real big tests yet. Could be an important Christmas period.

On another note, a sign of how the times they are a changing. Started playing FM last night at about 9pm. Now usually that would signal a good 2-4 hours of play time stretching out ahead of me. Instead, it got to 10pm and I had to go to bed because I was tired! Bloody kids / antidepressants / work (delete as appropriate).

dirkgently1066 · January 16, 2017

Mid-December and things have started to get a little interesting.

After starting the season with a 10 match unbeaten run in all competitions, it came to a juddering halt in the shape of the Merseyside derby. Despite being 19^th in the table at the time, the Toffee’s bossed the game, running out comfortable 3-1 winners at Goodison. Then a few days later the ELF Cup brought Man City to Anfield. Whilst we played a little better, we again went down, this time on the wrong end of a 1-0 scoreline.

And from here our form became a little patchy. A further home defeat followed to Stoke whilst we could only draw at White Hart Lane, Milner missing a last minute penalty. Then came the turn of the big boys as we headed off to Stamford Bridge and despite Chelsea being well off the top, a 1-1 draw seems creditable.

Finally it was the turn of Jose’s Man Utd to come to Anfield. After our wobbles, United had snuck into top spot so this was an important match to keep us in the hunt for both title and, perhaps more realistically, top 4. With United having conceded just twice all season, clearly goals would be at a premium and I made a couple of tactical tweaks, switching my wide players onto support duty to give some stability. To my surprise, despite Zlatan’s best efforts, we ran out with a fairly comfortable 2-0 victory, inflicting a first league defeat on our biggest rivals.

With the Christmas period on the horizon, we appear well placed to maintain a top 4 challenge and I refuse to rule out a genuine tilt at the title.

Black Dog Watch

* I find it fascinating to chart my reaction to losing a match, underlying as it does my predilection to black and white, all or nothing thinking.

With ten wins out of ten, it all seemed so easy. I had begun to think the game was flawed and that I wasn’t really doing anything. After all, these weren’t my players and I just did whatever the assistant told me.

Losing my first game, closely followed by the second, shifted this mindset immediately. Suddenly the tactic that had served me so well was flawed. In the game against Spurs, as they launched attack after attack, I wondered what roles and duties they used and how I could replicate them. Same with United as I noted Jose was employing a 4411 and wondered if I shouldn’t pull my wide players back in to the ML/MR strata. I chopped and changed roles and duties before going back to what I started with in a predictable pattern of circular thinking, all the while wondering if my brother wasn’t right all along that I should just play 442.

* The underlying assumption of course was that I was no good and that somebody, anybody, else would always know better. And yet I was top and, for a good stretch of time, unbeaten. Losing a game hadn’t uncovered some fatal flaw. Sure, there might be some tactical gaps to plug but these are challenges to embrace, puzzles to be solved.

* I never came close to rage quit but all the same, the feelings of inadequacy and despair quickly surfaced. From doing everything right, we seemed to do everything wrong, conceding first, giving up chances. And here my sense of perspective gets lost as I fail to understand the difference between a tweak to improve versus an underlying fault.

* Losing also had another unanticipated, positive impact. In my early days with the game I had struggled to connect with it, as I have covered in previous posts with my lack of transfer activity for example. But hitting the form buffers awakened something in me as I squeezed in a 4 hour playing session last night. Suddenly I found myself going to bed thinking about it, waking up thinking about it, listing to TalkSport thinking about it and, funniest of all, watching Man Utd vs Liverpool yesterday thinking about it. I want to persevere with my 4231 shape but have issues of width and pitch coverage. So I started to think about narrowing Coutinho’s position, having asymmetric full back roles, creating passing options to prevent long balls being fired up at Sturridge and having the confidence to apply individual instructions to get some specific behaviours out of my players. Plus the board saw fit to give me a boost in funds, my transfer kitty now standing at a whopping £74m. I’m still not in a rush to spend it frivolously but I’m starting to get more of an idea of where and how I want to strengthen.

A couple of days break now to catch up on some PS4 and retro game reviews (plus, you know, the wife and kids) and a chance to keep my enthusiasm on the healthy side of obsession.

dirkgently1066 · January 21, 2017

Well, this just happened. And I rejected it!

January update incoming...

dirkgently1066 · January 22, 2017

January 2017

More than half way through the season and we find ourselves in 3rd place behind the two Manchester clubs. 17 wins is on a par with our rivals, as are the goals for and against columns. The 5 defeats rankle due to the nature of them, 4 out of the 5 coming in games I fancied us for. The near absence of draws is interesting with only Leicester and Spurs holding us. We either win or lose, most games featuring a glut of goals.

Elsewhere progress has been assured in the FA Cup with a fine victory over Chelsea last time out. This was a particularly satisfying result. Despite lying 3rd in the league we were considered underdogs but not only did we win, we dominated the game, creating a number of chances. It doesn't quite dull the pain of a 1-4 home thumping by Man City on Boxing Day but I take some reassurance from the performance nonetheless.

January Transfer Window

Well now, this was interesting.

Having not made a signing in the summer and with a burgeoning budget burning a hole in my pocket, I felt a pressure to sign someone, anyone. But before I could get too stressed about who to bring in, I had to fend off interest from some unexpected quarters.

First up was a bid from PSG and Arsenal to take Alberto Moreno. In my opening post he had been somewhat of a joke figure based on his real life 'performances' but he has turned out to be one of my stars with an average rating of 7.37 and contributing 5 assists. And so despite a pretty hefty bid of around £26m, I rebuffed the interest.

Bids soon followed for two more of his defensive counterparts, Mamadou Sakho and Dejan Lovren. PSG were again the culprits in Sakho's case and the interest was again rebuffed, much to his displeasure. Lovren on the other hand was generating interest from China. The £25m+ bid was tempting (in fact I came within a button press of accepting the deal) but ultimately I decided that I couldn't afford to weaken my squad at this stage. The boys aren't happy about it, prompting a team meeting at one point, but I expect I'll make some moves in the summer.

As for incoming transfers, that proved even trickier. The Black Dog continued to bark, chasing away the names of suitable targets when in years gone by my 'shortlist' resembled the Argos catalogue. I just didn't know where to start or who to target. I felt like Dory, swimming around in the FM oceans, trying desperately to grab hold of the fragment of an image of a player I once remembered, the scene disappearing just when it seemed a breakthrough was near.

In the end I placed some fairly unrealistic bids, trying to get hold of Harry Kane, Romelu Lukaku and Dele Alli. A bid for Felipe Anderson came close but I baulked at his personal demands, unwilling to commit so much to a player I don't actually know anything about. Similarly a couple of other unknowns were unearthed by my scouts and whilst I followed up with bids, the offers soon escalated to a point of ludicrousness for players not even established as Internationals. Interestingly when I did get round the negotiating table almost every potential signing wanted me to commit to buying more defenders!

I did make a pre-contract signing, bringing in a young Spanish right back with the potential to be a 'quality player' according to my scouts. Saido Berahino meanwhile was a near miss as he opted for the money at Man City. In one sense though I remain fairly relaxed. I do feel a sense of pressure that I 'should' buy someone but I seem to have a number of decent young prospects at the club and, with home grown quotas, Brexit et al, I'm in no great rush to bring in a bunch of foreign recruits just for the sake of it. Now, give me a Higuain or Suarez and we can talk but otherwise, let's play with the toys in the cupboard.

Oh, and this happened;

Muniain is one of those names I recognise from FM games gone by without actually knowing that much about him. His wage demands are fairly hefty but he gives me another option on the left and the chance to change up roles a little bit. Speaking of which...

Tactics

After flirting with the idea of training up a 433 and 352 as reserve tactics, I have doubled down on the 4231, finally realising that 1) I like it, and 2) you can change its function and shape by changing roles and duties.

I have struggled with understanding how to line up the front 4. Daniel Sturridge has been prolific with 13 goals in 16 starts but he often plays like a dog. Similarly Roberto Firmino at AMC has consistently underwhelmed with ratings of 6.3 and 6.4 all too common. A switch out to the right in the absence of Mane seemed to reinvigorate him as he began contributing assists and goals.

My dilemma has been the spread of duties. Sturridge has switched from support to attack, the line of 3 behind him following suit. I am concerned that on support, the striker does not penetrate enough whilst on attack he gets cut adrift. I am concerned that my wingers on support do not offer enough of a goal threat whilst on attack they dribble and lose the ball too often. I want an unachievable perfect middle ground.

Muniain signing gives me a different slant as he is best employed as an Inside Forward from AML. This allows me to move Coutinho to AMC and use wither AML or AMR position on support and the other on attack with the full backs asymmetric. At the same time young Harry Wilson has emerged from my youth team, helping himself to a couple of goals and an assist from AML. Plues I have a glut of players out on loan to swell the ranks and the likes on Ben Woodburn waiting in the wings.

All told then I find myself in a pretty good shape and am beginning to understand that there doesn't have to be a single version of the truth. 4231 is a base template from which to create, the individual roles and duties fluid and reactive to the situation and players available.

Deisler26 · January 22, 2017

Quick tip on how to say 'Iker Munian'

i-Cam Onion. lol

dirkgently1066 · January 24, 2017

March 2017

Heading into the business end of the season I find myself with lots to digest.

A disappointing 0-1 home loss to Watford is quickly followed by a 2-1 defeat at Spurs, dumping us out of the FA Cup. Wins follow against some of the lesser lights of the league, including a dish-best-served-cold victory against struggling Everton. After 31 games we find ourselves in a respectable 3^rd position, a comfortable 8 points clear of 4^th and still within realistic touching distance of the top spot.

Despite some positives, I remain frustrated by performances. We go for long stretches struggling to create good chances with some of my star players such as Can and Coutinho flattering to deceive. I also find myself wanting to create room for Wijnaldum after a number of impressive displays.

With a home match to 15^th placed Leicester up next, I make the switch from 4231 to 433 (or 4123 if you like). By so doing I hope to get the best out of Can and incorporate Wijnaldum whilst retaining our existing threat. After a sluggish start we run out 6-1 winners (their goal a rebound after a penalty miss), our biggest win of the season.

Talking Tactics

Now, there is a Black Dog element to this that I will get into shortly but, that aside, this is what I love about FM.

Watching matches play out, I became concerned that there were gaps appearing between the lines and that the players I expected to demand the ball were all too often on the periphery. Suddenly by pulling my AMC into the MC strata, Coutunho dominated the game from AML, cutting into space, playing at pace and causing danger with every run. At the same time Can, pulled back to the DMC strata, scored his best rating of the season and an assist to boot.

Appreciating it is only one game, I could see how my playmaker at AML was likely running in to my AMC whilst my AMC in turn was running into space already occupied by the striker. The two centre mids meanwhile were being cut adrift and left isolated. After this change, my midfield base had a more solid foundation whilst my attacking roles had more space to flourish.

I will need to test it against stronger opposition of course, the scoreline somewhat flattered by some particularly shonky goalkeeping. Still, a positive start.

Now, about that Black Dog. Having set my stall out from the outset with 4231, switching formations and having immediate success sets off alarm bells. Why didn’t I start this way? Think how many more points I could have had! If only I could start again with this formation and get it ‘right’ from the start! But now what will I do when Muniain joins and wants to play at AML?

This thoughts reflect a number of different thinking errors from black and white thinking to catastrophising to judgemental thinking. It is that lingering sense that whatever I do, it will always be wrong, could always have been done better and that if it isn’t absolutely, 100%, no wriggle room allowed, definitely right, that it must be completely, utterly and totally wrong, marking me as a failure.

There will be no restarts of course. If this change of formation leads to better results then so be it, lesson learned. I may even tinker further and switch to a Balanced approach, which I think may better serve the roles and duties I am using. I might even get completely radical and retrain Coutinho to play at MC as an attacking playmaker, giving him space to drive from deep whilst making room for an inside forward from the left.

Or I might lose my next game and go back to 4231, who knows?

dirkgently1066 · January 24, 2017

Yeah, might be on to something here. Either that or I just really missed Mane when he was injured...

Ceching You Out · January 24, 2017

For what it's worth, I think most of your reactions to the various FM circumstances are perfectly normal albeit overly heightened. Second guessing your tactics, wondering if you have your hand on the rudder enough, worrying you're not doing enough -- I'd say most FM players have been there. Well either that or I just self-diagnosed anxiety .

Best of luck as you keep on with it!

dirkgently1066 · January 25, 2017

Identity Parade

One of the things I have wrestled with over the last few years is a sense of identify. What type of manager am I? We can all pigeon hole, say, Jose Mourinho or Arsene Wenger or Pep Guardiola, even Kevin Keegan, for all his faults. But what is my style? What defines me?

In truth it has often been a mish mash. I want a short passing game but with quick, direct attacks. I want to be forward thinking and radical whilst afraid to innovate. I want to learn and evolve whilst still harbouring a deep affection for the very British 442. I want to attack but I hate to concede. I want to walk my own path but slavishly follow the guidance of those I consider intellectually superior (which is basically everyone I meet, until proven otherwise).

Listening to TalkSport this morning, I was struck by something a player said about his manager always playing the same aggressive style, regardless of opposition. This chimed with a thought at the back of my head from a session last night.

After crushing back-to-back 6-1 victories, we slumped to an incredibly disappointing 0-1 defeat to 13th placed Bournemouth. After the vigour of the previous displays, we suddenly looked lifeless and bereft of ideas.

Then in my final game of the evening, we smashed Chelsea 4-1, their goal stemming from a ridiculous clanger from Karius in goal. We absolutely battered them from start to finish.

The difference? Before the Bournemouth game, I switched to a Control strategy, wary that as the away side I 'should' be me cautious, a pattern I have repeated throughout the season. Against Cheslsea I just thought 'screw it' and went out all guns blazing. Is the margin of error between success and failure as simple as this? Of course not. I have lost games playing attacking and will do so again. But at least I am losing on my own terms.

There is a difference between gung-ho and deliberate attack. There will remain times to shut up shop and grind out a point but for the most part I like to attack and score goals. I think I have fallen into the trap of trying to be too clever, overthinking the game. Sometimes you need a gentle tap. Other times you need a bloody great mallet. @Ceching You Out likely has the right of it above, that these doubts are normal and shared amongst other players. Therapy has made me aware of my thinking habits, hyper aware in some cases.

I don't know if any of this even makes any sense but it was in my brain and now it isn't.

Anyway, 4 games to go to determine the champions and we have both Man Utd and Man City (2nd and 1st respectively) to play. Should be an exciting finish.

Attack!

dirkgently1066 · January 29, 2017

Close But No Cigar

Wow, I actually made it!

In a gaming history littered with rage quits and petty restarts, I managed to get through the entirety of a first season without once switching off.

Yay for me but how did we get on? Well after our ten game winning start to the season, we ended up losing 9 times overall but finishing in a very respectable 3rd place behind the two Manchester clubs. City ran away with it in the end, racking up 26 wins and 86 points. Our tally of 24 wins and 77 points seems a little meagre by comparison but I take heart from the fact that we were comfortably the division's top scorers and but for some inconsistent performances here and there could have ended with so much more.

Still, we have qualified for the Champions League, nudging out Arsenal and Spurs in the process whilst at the other end Everton clung on by the finger nails, finishing in 17th place, just a single point ahead of West Brom.

Top Performers

Some surprising performances this year but my stand out player has been Sadio Mane. Whilst there were occasional games where he went missing or ran down a blind alley, his tally of 15 goals and 12 assists is a mighty contribution, granting him an impressive average rating of 7.49.

A close second was Coutinho. Unlike Mane, who positioned himself firmly in the AMR slot, Coutinho found himself moved around a little as I tried to figure out his best role and position. His return of 14 goals and 5 assists for an average rating of 7.44 is therefore commendable but I'll be looking to maximise his influence next season.

Our main goal threat was, unsurprisingly, Daniel Sturridge although on 17 strikes (and 4 assists) it is clear that our goals were well spread. Indeed Divock Origi was largely utilised as back up but still managed 13 in just 10 starts.

A couple of players really stepped up though. He started as a sub but by the end of the season Wijnaldum had forced his way into a starting berth, contributing 9 goals and a whopping 12 assists. Jordan Henderson too led by example, excelling in a box to box role. Further back, my man Alberto Moreno was a defensive stalwart, not only contributing 8 assists but racking up a rating of 7.30. The rebuffed offers of £25m from Aresnal and PSG were more than justified.

On the other hand, Lallana was a disappointment, as was Firmino, both contributing goals but neither offering consistently high performances. Oh and James Milner must never be allowed near a penalty spot again after missing two in our goalless draw with United.

Tactics and Transfers

After starting with 4231, mid season we made a successful transition to 4123 (or 433) and I intend to stick with it. I think it brings out the best in a number of players, notably Can in the DMC strata and Coutinho at AML. It also allows greater control of the midfield and some freedom of movement.

It does of course place more a strain on the striker and Sturridge, whilst a regular scorer, is not ideally suited to being a lone forward. I tried both Origi and Firmino there, both naturals, but neither really grasped the role and so I felt it important to try and make some changes for the new season.

With Iker Muniain already agreed, providing some competition and options from AML, I was pleased to tie up the signing of Alexander Lacazette from Lyon for £36m. At 25 he is a good age and has a great scoring record in France. Most importantly though his physical and technical attributes appear perfect for a supporting complete forward role and I hope he is the missing piece in my tactical jigsaw.

Other offers have been made and deals tentatively agreed but will now need to wait until the new season budgets come through. Dele Alli agreed a £65m switch but I ran out of funds. To be honest I probably don't need him given the form of Wijnaldum, Coutinho and Henderson but he is undoubtedly a great talent and also English, which may become important as quotas kick in.

Sticking with Spurs I had hoped to bring in Harry Kane, another natural in the lone forward role, but I'll settle for Lacazette. My attention now turns to a goalie; Mignolet has been steady if unspectacular whilst Karious has been prone to blunder and may benefit from a loan. Joe Hart might be a solid option if he's interested. Potential signings still cite our defence as needing improvement but between Sakho, Lovren, Matip and Klavan, I feel well stocked at centre back with none of the 4 letting me down.

At full back I probably need cover for Moreno but at right back I feel well served by both Clyne and Alexander-Arnold. I'm also conscious of the number of players out on loan with Joe Gomez in particular a great prospect across the back line.

Elsewhere, I'm interested to see if Markovic has anything to offer when he comes back from loan as he may be a good alternative to Mane. A couple of other youngsters caught the eye on loan too, notably Brooks Lennon and Lloyd Jones. In my youth team meanwhile, Ben Woodburn looks like a star but a few of the other lads are worth keeping an eye on.

Finally I took the opportunity to renew Coutinho's contract to try and see off the interest from Barcelona. Firmino has disappointed but the game seems to rate him so I renewed his too, if nothing else ensuring that I'll get a healthy fee if I opt to move him on.

Looking Ahead

With Champions League football secured, my immediate target has to be silverware. The title is of course the number one priority but another top 4 finish, competitive in the league and a cup would represent a good follow up.

Black Dog Watch

* After struggling to connect early on I soon found myself become worryingly obsessive about the game. The PS4 sits temptingly in front of me but despite my brother's repeated requests to go online with PES, not to mention a burgeoning stack of games to play, I kept coming back to FM. I just had to finish the season and see where things lay before I felt I could move on. At the same time, I feel a sense of guilt at not playing with my new toy, not to mention the retro game reviews that are outstanding, the books I haven't read, the magazine propped up against the toilet, etc.

* After smashing Chelsea 4-1 we drop 3 points to Spurs. With just 3 games left, including one each against Man City and Man Utd, I convince myself that I am going to lose all 3, drop out of the Champions League places, throw a hissy fit, rage quit and have wasted everyone's time with this blog. In the end we dispatched Burnley 2-0 before a tight draw with United and a thumping off the champions to finish 6 points clear of fourth. Yep, that will be all or nothing, black and white, catastrohising negative thinking right there.

* Transfers are a constant source of anxiety. I received a couple of pretty good bids in the season for both Moreno and Lovren. I ultimately rebuffed both, which I think was the right decision, but there is an underlying insecurity. I have this fear of undermining and weakening my team, or selling someone I really should have kept, to the extent that I don't want to sel anyone ever, just in case. At the other end of the business spectrum, I worry about brining people in. Did I pay too much? Is he any good? Where will I play him? What about the guy already playing, what happens to him? What about the youth player who can also play there, am I now blocking his route? Should I have signed someone in a different position? Oh no, I've wasted my money, this is a disaster, how can I unwind it...and so on. It can become crippling to the point that, as much as I feel this pressure that I should sign somebody, this is counter balanced by a worry that if I do I'll get it wrong.

Even when I did get two signings over the line, I took to Google to see what other people thought of them. I couldn't just allow my decision to stand or fall on its own merits, I had to seek external validation, approval if you like, for my decision. It speaks to my ongoing battle for self confidence and belief, talking myself down from the position that says other people always know better because they're not me.

* Overall though I take mainly positives away from my first season. I demonstrated flexibility, switching my tactics mid season rather than becoming stuck in an obsessive pattern, not afraid to try new roles and duties. Despite my misgivings, I made some signings and feel like I can now start to shape the team in my own image, rather than just feel like I am pretending to be Jurgen Klopp. And finally I had the wherewithal to step away at important moments, to not allow FM to totally define my leisure time but rather to be an important, enjoyable aspect of it.

Season 2, here we come! After a couple of days away.

dirkgently1066 · February 9, 2017

Season 2

After taking a few days to get over the shock of actually finishing an entire season without rage quitting, it’s time to start thinking about season 2.

Carrying on the theme established in season 1 I feel a pressure to spend money but I’m mortally afraid of spending it wrong. I don’t trust myself to judge the ability of a player by my own standards and so I default to the mindset of, ‘if he costs a lot he must be good.’ I also have an underlying sense of worry over the number of homegrown players in the squad and this double serving of doubt burger proves a tough swallow, paralyzing my transfer activity.

Added to this, I don’t know who to keep and who to trim. I have again knocked back offers for Alberto Moreno, although I was happy to let Lucas depart for France. Bids have also come in for Danny Ings and whilst tempted, I feel that I should keep him as an English reserve.

Witch segues nicely into one of my chief pre-season anxieties; the reserves. With no confidence in my own abilities or judgement, I am afraid to let anyone go and so I instructed my Director of Football to renew the contracts of everybody. My overall squad is now the size of a small country and I am in danger of breaching FFP rules on player wages. I have this paranoid fear of letting someone go who turns out to be great to the extent that I hoard everybody, which in turn means I have no space in either my budget or squad to bring in new players.

One player I did bring in of course was Muniain but now I have a new problem; where do I play him? He wants to play AML but that is Coutinho’s best position. I could shift Coutinho to AMC (or even MC) but is it wise to shunt my best player around the park? At a value of £33m, Muniain surely needs to play but then on that logic, so do Mane, Coutinho, Firmino, Sturridge and Lacazette. They can’t all play!

I have brought some of my loan players from season 1 into the first team but now I have two worries. First, if they were loaned out in the first place presumably that means they weren’t good enough. Secondly, these aren’t my players and so it still feels like I am playing in someone else’s toybox and if that is true, are any achievements really my own? My squad feels both horrendously bloated whilst also under strength.

Finally I decide to do some tactical tinkering. I thought I would revert to 4231 as it served me well for the majority of the campaign (although as an aside I hired Steven Gerrard as Under 18s manager and noted his favoured formation as 433, which immediately made me think that that’s what I should be doing because, you know, someone other than me said it). I will also train a 433 and 442 to keep in reserve. After a flirtation with a Flexible shape I return to Fluid as it seems to produce more consistent attacking results. Part of me remains unsatisfied; 4231 offers no DMC support and yet 433 offers no AMC. 442 gives me better cover on the wings but sacrifices midfield numbers and forces Coutinho into an unfamiliar role. I want the best bits from all of these tactics whilst allowing me to fit in all my best players. I want to play a 41413. Damn these pesky FA rules that only let you have 11 players.

So as you can see, lots of nonsense floating around in my mind. Tactically I just need to remain flexible. I have no ties to 4231 and will happily change as circumstances dictate. In terms of squad building, I need to be ruthless but sensible. Two players per position with a couple of floaters is ideal with a healthy mix of youth players, prospects, Brits and foreign stars. If that means Muniain sits on the bench for a bit then so be it. And if I let someone go that turns out to be a rough diamond then hey, that’s life.

Next up – a summary of pre-season performance as the new season draws near.

Deisler26 · February 9, 2017

I can understand that fear. I have it myself. I usually want 7 forwards, then want 6 or so to be happy on the bench

dirkgently1066 · February 9, 2017

The whole issue of transfers and my impact on the team continues to bother me but I think I have another, healthier way of looking at things.

Some of the more interesting threads on this forum are focused on managers operating a youth only policy, eschewing any incoming transfers. Now I'm not ready to do that but perhaps rather than judge myself for not having brought in the squad members, I should instead embrace the chance to develop the careers of the youth team. After all, not only does this save me money but it meets one of my stated board objectives. Plus of course it is exactly the kind of philosophy our man Klopp goes for.

So I will try and park those feelings. I may not have bought Markovic, Gomez, Woodburn et al but if I can develop them into genuine first team quality players, that is something I can own and be proud of. This doesn't have to be black and white. If I wanted a team of my 'own' players, I should never have started with Liverpool. The point was to simulate the experience of my favourite club so I will look to embrace that, not run away from it.

dirkgently1066 · February 9, 2017

Oh and another thing. I've had this hang up too about how much control I take over team affairs, operating under the belief that if I didn't do everything, I was doing nothing and hence was a fraud (have you spotted the theme yet?)

As such, I decided I needed to handle match training, individual training, contracts, teamtalks, you name it. But the trouble is that I don't really know what I'm doing and I would just end up following the Assistant's advice anyway, all the while fighting against the devil on my shoulder who told me that everytime I did what I was told instead of figuring it out for myself, I was cheating.

This season then I decided to try and shake off those thoughts. My Assistant has taken over training, my Chief Scot has taken over assigning scouting and I'll look at any other areas I feel need to be delegated. Whatever I choose not to do leaves more time for things I choose to do. This doesn't make me a fraud or less of an influence. It is still my team, my selections, my tactical ideas that are being implemented.

dirkgently1066 · February 10, 2017

Grr. After starting the season with 2 impressive victories a late night bath gave me thinking time and I came up with a solution to a problem I didn't have. Ditching my 4231, I switched to an asymmetrical version, with Mane at MR, Can at DM and Coutinho at AMC. The idea was to try and meld the best of all worlds; the DMC cover of a 433, the wide attacking threat of a 4231 and the MR cover of a 442.

Sadly the first game against Watford was less than stellar. They walked through us at will and the 1-1 scoreline flattered us more than them. Even worse, Coutinho was awful, resulting in him getting hooked late on. With Man Utd up next I switched to 433 but again the performance was insipid, resulting in another 1-1 draw.

The idea had been to try and utilise Muniain, Coutinho, Mane and Lacazette whilst also pushing Can back into his natural position. I'm struggling to figure out the best roles and duties for my key men in a 4231 with both Muniain and Firmino finding themselves relegated to the bench.

For now thought it is back to the 4231. Can will just have to get on with it whilst I figure out the best combination of the others in rotation.

Lacazette meanwhile has been an absolute beast. He helped himself to a hattrick on the opening day and has bagged a goal every game since. And given my success in the transfer market, I decided to splash the cash on deadline day, bringing in Joe Hart. He was one of my primary targets at the start of the season and whilst at £26.5m I've paid a little more than I would have liked, he offers a tangible improvement on both Mignolet and Karius whilst also adding to my quota of English players. Given I now have 3 decent 'keepers in the squad, this gives me the chance to loan out Karius and see if he can develop into anything.

dirkgently1066 · February 13, 2017

All Change

Now here's a thing. When I started this year's game I had a decision to make about who I would manage. I decided on Liverpool as I fancied a nice long career save with my own team, the chance to develop my knowledge of the club and players.

And it's been a success of sorts. I finished 3rd, I found out a bit more about the youth team, I signed Alexander Lacazette who was badass and I discovered that Jonathan Woodgate is a scout at the club for some reason. But there is just one problem; I'm not having any fun.

I have hinted at some of the issues in this thread but I think it ultimately boils down to a sense that I'm not managing my own team. To some, this is the point of FM, the chance to take over your real life club and to see what you can achieve with them. But rather than a sense of wonder I feel restricted. It's not all down to playing as Liverpool but that plays a big part. For instance, my tactical flexibility is in part driven by where I place Coutinho. He has to play AML to get the best out of him, and he has to play as a playmaker. That means a 442 is out. It also makes it complicated to play 2 up front. At the same time I have a ruddy great squad of players but I feel overwhelmed trying to develop them all. It's too much, it's too perfect. it's too easy.

I miss my old Sutton save. I miss starting the season with no left back and having to play a made up bloke. I miss taking a punt on that former international who's turned the wrong side of 35, hoping he's got one more good year left in his legs. I miss that loan signing who destroys the opposition right back for fun. I miss that take-a-chance signing up front that goes on to become a club scoring legend. I miss that regen who is the second coming of Paul Gascoigne. I miss that sense of achievement at just winning a game. I miss knowing every player and every staff member because I bought or hired them.

But alas! It's too late, I've already started as Liverpool. No looking back now, right? After all, this is the year that I play a single save with no rage quits, no restarts, no second guessing myself. I finished my first season at the first attempt, that's good going. But actually, that's also part of the problem. Rather than enjoy the fact that I broke this bad habit, I feel a sense of pressure to always get it right. It is a variation on perfectionism whereby because this is to be my sole save game, I cannot possibly make a mistake.

So, what to do? If therapy taught me anything (and it did) I learned that one of the most important factors behind recovery is the ability to change, to do things differently. One of the rules of this thread was that I would only manage my Liverpool save. Well...

I'm starting again. But this time not as Liverpool and not in the Premier League. I want to get down amongst it in the lower leagues. I want that thrill that comes with progressing to the 3rd round of the FA Cup or spending actual real money on a player. I want the freedom to build a team in my own image. Just thinking about getting back to this way of a playing is making me excited.

But who to pick? I'm tempted to go with Sutton again but I'm wary of the old adage about never going back. They are a division up from the last time I played but I also don't want to necessarily tie myself in emotionally to a club that I may have difficulty leaving. This doesn't have to be a single club save. I'm half tempted to start abroad but I think I would rather prove myself in the lower reaches of the English game, then perhaps move abroad for one of the big jobs later down the line.

So let's hear it. Got a favourite team from League 2 or lower? Is there a fallen giant that would make a good project to restore to former glories? Or is there some perennial bottom feeding scrapper club that deserves a shot at glory? Chuck some names at me and let's have some fun.

BillHoudini24 · February 14, 2017

Since I'm dealing with some form axniety myself and having similar problems with FM, I wouldn't ask for advice, I would search for something to "click" by myself. It's hard but when I start a save after someone else's suggestion, I end up quitting it for not feeling right.

Maybe go abroad? A change can always be beneficial, even though it's always terrifying at first.

dirkgently1066 · February 15, 2017

10 hours ago, BillHoudini24 said:

when I start a save after someone else's suggestion, I end up quitting it for not feeling right.

Yes, this! Very good point and something I have experienced before. Ideas and inspiration are one thing but the journey has to be my own.

Think I have decided anyway, something that gives me a challenge with both short term achievable goals and longer term objectives. Will post once I get a chance to sit down with it and explore the team.

dirkgently1066 · February 15, 2017

A New Start

And so after careful consideration, my next adventure awaits at...Rangers!

I thought carefully about where to pitch up next and Rangers seem to tick a number of boxes. In truth it is a save I have thought about since they were first relegated to the bottom tier. It always seemed like an interesting challenge to take them all the way back up. Of course I kinda already did that with Sutton so their current situation presents a different challenge.

Clearly the squad and club is ahead of my glorious Sutton save but at the same time I don't know any of them, bar about 4 players. I have no preconceptions and feel no pressure to play certain players in certain roles. In fact I very stubbornly want to play a certain way but more on that later.

In terms of the appeal of the challenge it is multi faceted. One of the problems with the Liverpool save was that I was already in the Premier League. I felt I had nowhere to go but down and there was a pressure that came with that. Combined with a sense of not being in control it was an unsatisfying mix.

Now, whilst Rangers are also in the Premier League it is an altogether different proposition. Short term my target is to win the league but longer term I can realistically target jobs in the English Championship as a next step, or even a fallen giant in League 1 which would still represent a step up. From there I can potentially take a decent job in one of the top leagues abroad (I have loaded England, Scotland, France, Germany, Italy, Holland, Portugal and Spain).

And it is that sense of freedom that appeals. There is a rebuilding job to do here in the same way as at Sutton but I have no affinity to the club. It's not like my team, Liverpool, or my local side, Sutton. This is just A.N.Other football team and the challenge here will be to maintain my interest and enthusiasm without that emotional bond. Can I be single minded and ruthless, determinedly following my own career path?

Tactics

Ok, you can probably see this one coming. It crops up in all my tactical discussions and so I am just going to give into the urge and play 442.

Appreciating that experience has taught me the importance of building your tactic around your players I am somewhat flying in the face of my own advice. But I just really want to play a Structured 442 with a DLP / B2B midfield combo and a poacher up front. Given I don't know any of these players I have no qualms about trying people, replacing them, rotating them and retraining them. I feel a sense of freedom that my Liverpool save could never capture.

It may not last. I might switch to Fluid, to 433, to 4231 or anything in between. In a way it doesn't matter because I least I feel a freedom to experiment now.

Plus I have a wonderfully naff transfer budget which means I'm scraping the barrel of the footballing world. There truly is nothing better.

Black Dog Watch

I'm not foolish enough to think that everything in the garden is rosy. Despite the apparent positives, there remain concerns. Faced with a squad of unknowns the delight is tempered by a sense of panic. Can I still do this? And with no money comes great responsibility (say, that sounds familiar...). Every penny counts and so I have an almost reluctance to sign anyone for fear of getting it wrong.

But to be honest these are recurring themes. I think back to when I first saw a therapist; at the time I was taking a step down in responsibility at work, something the therapist questioned, asking what would be next if this didn't work out, perhaps becoming a bin man. I think of that here too. I have stepped away from Liverpool because I couldn't deal with the pressures that created. But what if I face those same pressures here? What's next, the Albanian second division? Or perhaps I walk away from FM? The truth is that these are manifestations of real life doubts and confidence issues. By moving to Rangers I am giving myself more mental breathing space to work through them.

Deisler26 · February 16, 2017

Interesting pick. Best of luck!

dirkgently1066 · February 17, 2017

Oh, this isn’t going well.

After abandoning my Liverpool, save I felt a sense of freedom starting at Rangers but it hasn’t taken long for that feeling to dissipate, replaced with a sense of indifference.

Partly it is because my structured 442 has been awful. No, I mean really bad. All the old flaws that I had protected my mind from were present and correct as great big gaping holes emerged between my defence, midfield and attack. I toyed with the idea of switching back to 4231 but then had 2 thoughts. 1) if I’m going 4231, why not just play as Liverpool? 2) I’ve already changed my manager profile to a favourite formation of 442, how can I go back now?

Partly it is because Rangers are not as naff as I had hoped. They actually have quite a large squad and so from minute one I felt overwhelmed. The board felt we should be challenging for the league whilst I just wanted to get a footing back in the game.

Partly it is because the screens are blue and not the comforting red of Liverpool.

‘Screw it,’ I thought, ‘I’ll go back to my old Liverpool save. It’s a bit of a Kop out (arf!) but it will make for an interesting write up if nothing else.' But alas! I deleted the save file from the cloud in my quest for utter perfection and sterilisation and so it is lost in the ether forever.

And so for the last 24 hours I have tormented myself. I spent the whole car journey to and from work, most of my lunchtime walk and pretty much any time I should have been working, thinking about FM. And not good stuff like tactics or signings, but nonsense wondering why I can't just play the game properly and how I feel like a fraud and why oh why can I not just make decisions. This was supposed to be my first ever perfect, one shot save. I changed clubs for a logical, well thought through reason now here I am changing again. I want to manage Liverpool because they're my club. But I don't want to because I feel a pressure to get things 'right.' But I do because I miss playing as Liverpool. But I don't because I feel restricted in how I can play because my best player is Coutinho and so I have to build around him and so I have to play him at AML cutting inside and so I can't play a winger at AML like I want and then...and then...

And breathe.

Plus now if I do start again as Liverpool I already feel like I'm playing catch up. It is a feeling that blighted a lot of earlier versions whereby I would start again so often in my chase for perfection that I would always feel as if I needed to progress quicker to catch up with where I should be. And what if this time round it doesn't go as well as last time? What if it goes better? I'll feel like a cheat.

Then I think, 'Hey, why not blog about all this? After all, blogging makes you feel better about all kinds of mental health stuff.' But then I think, 'Hey, who wants to read all this crap? What the hell has any of this got to do with a career save?' Maybe this thread has been a waste of time. It's bizarre but most players probably play FM for the chance to live out the fantasy of managing their favourite club and their favourite players. I on the other hand just feel like I'm managing someone else's team, a diluted copy of the real thing. I never used to feel this way, I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe I'm just not cut out for FM any more. In the meantime my PS4 sits looking at me, calling out in its husky, blue-hued voice, 'play me, I'm your birthday present.' Then my JXD tablet calls out, 'Hey, don't forget about me from your last birthday, think of all those retro gaming reviews you still have to write!'

So now I don't know what to do. Wifey is out to work tomorrow night so I have the chance for an uninterrupted, guilt free session. I think I'm going to have one more go with Liverpool. I somehow need to rid myself of this thought process and just enjoy the experience.

Repeat after me; it's only a game, it's only a game, it's only a game...

BillHoudini24 · February 21, 2017

Dirk (is that your real name?) I haven't felt like that in my life. It's like I'm reading my own thoughts in this thread. I'm having the same problems with Liverpool, that's why I always start career saves unemployed in order to end up at Liverpool by 2022-23, when Klopp leaves and the team "needs" me.

Also I can't start a save in a "good" team because I find it unrealistic, so I play really Lower League teams or unemployed. I'm trying to repeat to myself "it's only a game" but I can't shake this feeling. I can definately understand you and hope you continue this diary, especially if it makes you feel better.

I can't tell you to say "it's only a game, pick Liverpool and play", because I can't do that either. I figured lately that I could try to remember the early days, before the anxiety disorder, when I played the game without all these restrictions, when I had many great saves. I can't seem to find the difference, I guess I just played the game without overthinking. Now it's just impossible. I find joy only with really hardcore challenges like Dafuge or All Youth Challenge, or unemployed with real life attributes and qualifications.

I feel really bad about it, I'm trying through therapy to get better, but right now I can't just start a new game, add a new manager and start playing as West Ham or Everton, or even some mediocre Top League team like Real Betis. I don't even think about starting as Liverpool or Barcelona, or Juventus, it seams so unrewarding...

Deisler26 · February 21, 2017

I'll be honest, Dirk.

I've never managed Arsenal. Never. I cannot manage my favourite team as I feel that I wouldn't do it justice.

This is why you'll see me scrapping around Europe with teams. RKC, Albacete, Sparta Rotterdam, Empoli, Santarcangelo.. I prefer somewhere I don't know the players, so that I look at them with open eyes, rather than rely on reputation

dirkgently1066 · February 21, 2017

19 hours ago, BillHoudini24 said:

Dirk (is that your real name?) I haven't felt like that in my life. It's like I'm reading my own thoughts in this thread. I'm having the same problems with Liverpool, that's why I always start career saves unemployed in order to end up at Liverpool by 2022-23, when Klopp leaves and the team "needs" me.

Also I can't start a save in a "good" team because I find it unrealistic, so I play really Lower League teams or unemployed. I'm trying to repeat to myself "it's only a game" but I can't shake this feeling. I can definately understand you and hope you continue this diary, especially if it makes you feel better.

I can't tell you to say "it's only a game, pick Liverpool and play", because I can't do that either. I figured lately that I could try to remember the early days, before the anxiety disorder, when I played the game without all these restrictions, when I had many great saves. I can't seem to find the difference, I guess I just played the game without overthinking. Now it's just impossible. I find joy only with really hardcore challenges like Dafuge or All Youth Challenge, or unemployed with real life attributes and qualifications.

I feel really bad about it, I'm trying through therapy to get better, but right now I can't just start a new game, add a new manager and start playing as West Ham or Everton, or even some mediocre Top League team like Real Betis. I don't even think about starting as Liverpool or Barcelona, or Juventus, it seams so unrewarding...

Thanks for taking the time to comment and share. Writing such a personal blog as this it can sometimes feel like I'm talking to myself so it's always good to know that it has resonated with someone.

There is something about FM that tugs on this part of my psyche but in truth I experience the same symptoms (perfectionism, black and white thinking) in other games, FM acts almost like a prism, magnifying the negative thoughts.

Perversely I feel a need to get a successful Liverpool game going. I haven't been able to do it in about 10 years and so I feel like it is something I need to challenge and overcome.

Oh and no, Dirk is not my real name but it should be!

dirkgently1066 · February 21, 2017

3 hours ago, Deisler26 said:

I'll be honest, Dirk.

I've never managed Arsenal. Never. I cannot manage my favourite team as I feel that I wouldn't do it justice.

This is why you'll see me scrapping around Europe with teams. RKC, Albacete, Sparta Rotterdam, Empoli, Santarcangelo.. I prefer somewhere I don't know the players, so that I look at them with open eyes, rather than rely on reputation

That's a really interesting take. I enjoyed my Sutton save more than any recent iteration of FM but this time round I can't seem to get into it so much. I think the kids are a major factor; my time for FM is limited and I feel so damn tired all the time. I don't feel as though I have the mental capacity to take on a new challenge and so I want the 'easy' life of Liverpool but to my surprise it threw up some different obstacles to overcome.

I fancy another go and will chalk these abandoned game up top experience.

dirkgently1066 · February 27, 2017

The Lonely Traveller

I should’ve known it would come to this.

After years of FM floundering on abandoned Liverpool saves, for FM14 fellow forum member @kris0710 inspired me to try something new, to eschew the bright lights and glamour of the Premier League for the dull glow of the lower reaches. My Sutton United save restored my faith in all things FM.

3 years later I truly felt I was ready to start again. I truly believed I had shorn myself of the bad habits and self imposed rigid thinking that had so undermined my gaming experience. It turns out I was wrong.

I had intended to have one more go. I had finally decided on a 433, mirroring the system that Liverpool often utilise. I have resisted it previously for rather perverse reasons. I have this sense that everyone plays 433 whereas I had always favoured 4231. It didn’t feel like me to use it, almost felt like cheating in fact. But reluctantly I thought I would embrace it.

But then, as with FM14, inspiration would come from fellow forum members, this time @Deisler26 and @BillHoudini24. Again they showed me the value in stepping away from the limelight and enjoying the game at a lower level. I have come to accept that I take the game too seriously to ever truly enjoy a Liverpool save. I compare myself relentlessly and unfavourably to real life, judging myself a failure at the slightest misstep. I need to take a step down, back to the bottom rung, back to the non-league.

I am reminded of something my therapist said to me recently. Having been a manager at work, prior to my spell in hospital and subsequent redundancy, I told her I was happy to just coast for a while, to get my feet back under me. Whilst she was supportive she also made the point that I had to push myself as I was more capable than my current level.

And so it is with FM. I am more capable than just managing in the National League South and yet I have such a fundamental lack of confidence in my abilities and judgement that I feel a need to step back and rebuild.

With that I set forth on my next grand adventure but I was careful to not post too soon. I considered starting a brand new thread, the perfectionist part of me telling me that this thread had long since lost its original purpose. I didn’t want this to be another false dawn like my soon-aborted Rangers save. Instead I wanted to get my feed under the desk and a photo of the kids on the wall before I considered myself settled in. Well, mission accomplished. Welcome to Eastbourne Borough.

Meet the Team

I did consider a job at a lowly club abroad or even the National League North but I usually find I need a link of some description to make me feel a bond to the club. Liverpool is my team, Sutton is where I live. So where next? Well I was born and raised in Hastings but for some reason FM’s league structure doesn’t extend all the way down to this footballing superpower. And so I went for the mob just down the road, the closest thing to home.

Despite the chairman claiming an illustrious history, our predicted mid-table finishing position tells another story. This is a bang average unit, neither fearing the drop or expecting promotion and gives me the perfect platform from which to over achieve and claw back some of my pride and confidence.

Here’s the motley crew tasked with bringing glory to the south coast. After bringing any under-23s up to the main squad I find myself painfully short in a couple of areas. We have no right sided midfielders, scant options in midfield and two old, lumbering centre backs. I bloody love it.

Seriously, this is what gets me excited. I have a squad of a manageable size so that within just a few games, I know all of them, where they can play and if they are any good. I don’t feel overwhelmed by the amount of options, instead the very limitations that serve to constrain me also serve to set me free.

I haven’t heard of any of this bunch so taking them at face value, initial impressions are that I have a decent left back, a decent right back, a couple of good options at left midfield and a bunch of bodies elsewhere.

Staff wise we are lacking in all areas. Some swift recruitment later and the coach and physio cupboard is looking rather better well stocked whilst I took the radical step of actually hiring a scout. Given the dearth of support staff and quality I sense that I will be taking control of most aspects of the team.

Tactics

Freed from the pre-defined constraints of Liverpool I am able to apply my own vision and so a 442 it is. Not wanting to repeat my Rangers mistake we go with a flexible shape, which served me well in my Sutton save. This isn’t just stubbornness, 442 seems a good fit for my playing squad with its lack of natural DMs or AMCs. I favour a playmaker / box to box combo in midfield but our starting personnel suit straight up centre mid roles. Keen to maximise strengths I start with these but recognise the absence of creativity or individuality, something I will address later.

At the back we seriously lack for pace in the centre and so recruitment will be required. Up top we have 4 strikers to choose from, each offering something slightly different and so providing flexibility within the tactical framework.

Given the lack of quality I started with direct passing but quickly brought this back to mixed, allowing for a long pass where required but not just recklessly wasting possession.

Transfers

Having been provided a generous £1k transfer kitty I opt to look at the free transfer and loan market. Loans seem hard to come by, at least of any sort of quality, and so copious use of trials and scouting are the order of the day. Labonne arrives to play right midfield, plugging that worrying gap whilst I also add Rwakarambwe and Kelly to play as ball winner and B2B respectively. Not my ideal midfield combo but both an upgrade on what we had.

I’ve put a couple of ambitious loan bids in for Liverpool players that were quickly rebuffed. Ideally I would like to strengthen with a quality goalie and a pacy centre back. I can’t find anything immediately available on a free and am also conscious of not going over budget so for now I’m waiting until a good loan opportunity presents itself. Perhaps networking with a bigger club might help, although the board have nixed that idea for now.

July - August

Pre-season brings a mix of fortunes. After overcoming our mighty Under 23s (with all there no players), our form is patchy but I see enough signs to indicate that we are at least performing in accordance with my instructions.

One of my main requirements for a tactic is a regular goal scorer and early doors I set my stall out with Nathaniel Pinney as an advanced forward. He flatters to deceive in pre season though, substitute Josh Street helping himself to a couple from the bench and so with the first game of the season beckoning I make the controversial decision to drop Pinney for Street. And I am instantly rewarded as the latter nets an opening day hattrick in a thumping 4-1 win and ending September with 7 goals in 7 games.

Defeat follows before a hard fought draw but victories follow to take us top of the league before we are humbled by a 3-0 home defeat. We end this period in a handy 4^th place, very much looking upwards.

Black Dog Watch

Only one wobble when, after a couple of defeats, I wondered if I had bitten off more than I could chew.

Beyond that this has been a rousing success thus far. I have changed roles and duties to try and get the best out of players, ruthlessly dropped people, made signings and managed tactics in-game to massage our way to 3 points. This is what FM should be about, the thrill of battling your way to 3 points, not tying yourself in knots at some fabricated idea of ‘perfect.’

Deisler26 · February 28, 2017

Awesome! Good luck! It's a good start anyway!

BillHoudini24 · February 28, 2017

This is a nice twist. I'm managing Basingstoke in Vanarama South and after many seasons of failures and heartbreaks, I realized that you can't always play "your way", you need to adapt. So far it's working for you, keep overachieving!

dirkgently1066 · March 1, 2017

What a crushing disappointment.

After our bright start, we resume battle with a hard fought 1-0 victory over strugglers Oxford but this is followed by a shambolic collapse as we lose 3 on the bounce, including an embarrassing 0-3 reversal in the FA Cup to lower division opposition. Respite appears in the shape of a 4-3 comeback win after trailing both 0-2 and 1-3 but further heavy defeats follow before I inevitably cave to the temptation of rage quit.

It’s not the defeats so much that bothered me but the manner of them. In each one we shipped goals like they were going out of fashion. The 4-3 comeback win appears more of a fluke rather than any sort of tactical masterstroke as our defence routinely waved strikers through, my ‘keeper threw shots into the net and marking from corners appeared to be optional.

I simply had no answers. My 442 left great big gaps all over the pitch and I didn’t know how to fix it. Changes to roles, duties and style made no difference and I didn’t have the confidence to try something new. Rather than embracing the challenge, I quickly crumbled under pressure, giving in to the negative, panicked thinking that told me it was starting to unravel and it was all my fault.

I don’t know where to go from here. After a couple of years away, FM17 was a treat to self but it has turned into a nightmare. All my old insecurities and idiosyncrasies have come flooding back. This thread feels like a waste of time, I feel like a fraud. Buying the game seems like a waste of money.

And yet I can’t stop thinking about it. The moment my fat little finger clicked on the exit button my thoughts turned to Liverpool and how I might have another crack at that save. I went to bed churning round thoughts of tactical options, woke up in the night thinking about it and then spent most of the drive to work thinking about it, only to change my mind more often that I change my socks.

Away from the immediate negativity I recognise the underlying mental health lessons this experience is teaching or revealing to me. I remain obsessive, unhealthily so. I remain judgemental of self and shorn of confidence in decision making. My life is also markedly changed from the last time I played FM; the effect of the antidepressants I take, the kids more demanding, my job pressures changed, my time ever more precious. I prioritise FM above all other gaming experiences, placing a £20 odd game as a higher priority than my expensive games console or my retrogaming review obligations.

The easy answer is to walk away, enjoy the memories and write this off to experience. But I want FM as part of my life. This is a challenge I feel I need to overcome.

For now then this thread will close. Whilst it retains the mental health blog aspect that is core to my writing it has long since lost relevance as a career thread and so it does not feel appropriate to continue. Who knows, I may come back to it if I feel I can do it justice.

BillHoudini24 · March 1, 2017

You can and you will come back. Every kind of disappointment holds us back for a while, but it's part of the process. Try to lower your expectations, read about FM through established guides and try to see it as a challenge to overcome.

I've had that low point where I thought about giving up on FM after 11 years of playing, but then I read guides, saw videos, opened my old saves and I'm starting to have a grisp of what I was doing wrong. The most important thing is to stop getting so frustrated. Imagine what Klopp must feel now in real life. Managing a team has ups and downs.

Let's focus on one step at a time. Take a break from it and try to overcome this challenge through small steps. I'm struggling every day to take small steps. I always want to take one huge step at a time and that makes my anxiety worse.

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FM17 - The Anxiety Diaries

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