The LLaMa Clan Pt II.

[phnompenhandy]

Thanks guys - if thanks is the right sentiment.

You stiche dme up good 'n' proper giving me The Spiders job before I'd read this thread and learned their fate.

Still unless I get the sack in faster time than Graham I guess if I can improve on last place with 14 goals all season then I'll have succeeded in some sense.

Whatever, it'll be a great crack. Let the games commence...

[Guest]

Sorry I had to miss last night's session, but I was feeling very poorly. Somekind of stomach bug that I'd picked up from my son had me puking into the toilet. Nice.

Luckily, I've been feeling a bit better today, so I was able to attend the 2nd interview for a job I am going for without managing to spew all over the table or interviewer!

Whoever hosted, can I have the save file back please?

[seamus]

Ian hosted. I tried, but well...anyway.

In reality Graham, you didn't miss much. We eneded up waiting for Ian to show up, and Mark didn't realize it was Monday until then so it all worked for the best.

We've gave Andy some time to settle in with the team you ruined and it took a little while for him to get up to speed, even with the 5 sec. continue on.

Elgin managed a friendly victory over 10 man Airdrie Utd. and then were dumped from the cup by newly relegated East Fife 2 - 1. Probably a fair result.

We've started well in the league though with a convincing 3 - 0 win over Gretna in the opener with a hat trick for the Stirling born former Peterhead striker--one of Ian's favorites.

[phnompenhandy]

And Graham, if you're interested in the fate of your former club...

Well beaten in the last two friendlies as I tried to assess the squad, then totally slaughtered in the cup by relegated Berwick . however just when it was looking bad bad bad we started our league account with a 2-2 away draw. It was against Stranrae and I see where they finished last season but hey, it's a start.

I've got a write up all ready to post altho' i fear I may have mis-remembered some details. I'll post it soon.

And having familiarised myself with the squad etc. in my first session I don't think I'll be so slow in future sessions

[Guest]

Yeah, Ian's sent me the save file back, and I took a peek. Scoring 2 away from home is quite an achievement with QP!

My Shrewsbury side lost their first competitive game 1-0 away from home. Looking at the highlights and stats, we dominated but conceded from a breakaway goal. Considering the Shrews had the disadvatage of being less fit from playing only one friendly, I don't think it was a bad result.

The other encouraging point is that my assistant picked virtually the same team as I would have, so it's nice to see we're reading from the same hymn sheet.

[Guest]

Tonight's session saw my best results so far (that's not saying much, considering the nightmare I had with Queens Park last season)

My results were, playing as Shrewsbury:

Aldershot (H) 3-1

Northwich Vics (A) 0-2

Burton Albion (H) 0-0

Scarborough (A) 1-1

Nuneaton Borough (H) 3-0

Grevesend (H) 1-0

So, we're on a roll of two wins, and we're now 4 games without defeat This leaves us 8th.

Highlights were my 14 year-old DC getting a MotM award, and my reserve striker scoring 4 in 3 games (he's now first choice).

[phnompenhandy]

Well I'm keeping the QP torch burning. In five games we failed to score a single goal although we did salvage one goalless draw.

we're sitting pretty at the foot of the league and I'm poised to earn a reputation as an even worse manager than Graham

[Taipan]

Watching with interest, especially H3's progress. Go those might Shrews!!

Now H3, if you want any tips on who is good/bad in that squad I'll be more than happy not to help you out.

[seamus]

Elgin

Top of the table.

It won't last. We let the transfer deadline slip past without the slightest hint of a move--though we held back a loan offer or two since Mr. Ferguson was away dealing with corpses.

A good session, but with some better luck we could have widened the gap. As it stands we could rue some missed chances (two penalties) A 1 - 1 draw with my N. American neighbor (who will no doubt claim he deserved better) and a 0 - 0 with newly relegated Berwick proved costly.

We've yet to lose and have a decent goal difference, but with the squad we have, we'll never maintain this form. Fortunately, last place is already determined.

[dogs]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> At the last count I had about 67 guys sitting dormant in my reserves, Devon. Scout East Stirlingshire, you may get a bargain <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

ROFL thats disgraceful Jaffa, 67

[Kfoolmoon]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by seamus redux:

_ Elgin _

Top of the table.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Here too?

Somebody please beat him.

[seamus]

It's a fluke Kostis. Trust me. This side isn't very good. Peterhead (Mark) will beat me in the next session as they always do.

Louletano on the other hand...I'm looking forward to Sunday.

Amd I can't be top in the other clan. I've played a game less and surely there was someone else above me.

[seamus]

May be late today. Hope not, but have a working lunch that may hold me up, alas.

[Guest]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Shrewsbury</span>

My best ever session last night. We've extended out unbeaten run in the league to <span class="ev_code_RED">ten</span> games

Here are our results:

Woking (A) 0-0

Kettering (A) 2-1

Morecambe (H) 0-0

Dag & Red (A) 3-2

Farnborough (H) 0-0

Leyton Orient (A) 1-0

Vans 1st (N) Port Vale (A) 0-1

FAC 4Q Worceter City (A) 0-0

That last result to keep us in the FA Cup was a very lucky though. Worcester dominated, but couldn't beat my keeper who got MotM.

[Guest]

Ooh. Has this forum lost the edit facility?

Anyway, I meant to say that the win against Leyton Orient resulted in us swapping places with them to go [color:YELLOW]fifth[/color]

For, our absentees last night:

[color:BROWN]Ian,[/color] East Stirling did fine without you, managing 3 wins, 1 draw and 1 defeat. This has put you [color:GREEN]top[/color]. However, you're not on your own in Div 2 now, as [color:YELLOW]Mark[/color] has joined [color:BLUE]St. Mirren[/color], who are in 2nd place, 2 points behind you.

[color:PURPLE]Guinness[/color], Montrose achieved 1 win, 2 draws and 2 defeats in the league to leave you [color:PINK]sixth[/color]. However, they did manage to beat first division Forfar [color:RED]5-2[/color] at home in the league cup. In the third round, you're home to 2nd division Raith Rovers.

[color:YELLOW]In other news,[/color] [color:PINK]Seamus[/color], is still unbeaten in Div 3 and tops the table. [color:PURPLE]Andy,[/color] is making my performance last season with QP last season look good Despite spending five minutes tinkering before every press of the continue button his side are still Winless and bottom, with only [color:GREEN]four[/color] points from the first 10 games

[color:BLUE]Mark[/color] had the result of the evening. Playing as Peterhead (before he jumped ship), he knocked Premiership [color:YELLOW]Livingstone[/color] in the League Cup 2nd round.

[Guest]

Mental note: Don't use <span class="ev_code_PINK">pink.</span>

[iajafer]

Graham, I have no idea how I effed that edit up (it was only changing Mark's YELLOW to the correct format), but please accept my humblest

If I can find out why it happened I'll change it

[iajafer]

[color:YELLOW]Test[/color]

[UELLfan]

Perhaps colors() have been disabled.

If so, it is a for me...

Oh, and KUTBGW guys

[seamus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Humph3:

_Mental note: Don't use [color:PINK]pink.[/color]_ <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Especially when remarking on me being top .

[seamus]

Elgin

Made the session just in time after a long meeting. We knocked off Cowdenbeath in the first match 2 - 0. Then had a hard fought and well deserved 2 - 1 win over East Fife who beat up on us in the first cup match of the season. We won the important one.

There was a 0 - 0 draw with rivals Peterhead: then Mark who fled shortly after. There was another match next but I can't remember the result I think a 1 - 1 draw.

We closed out the session with an uninspiring 1 - 0 win over Gretna, who were it not for QP, would be bottom.

Nervy times at the top. We're three points clear of Berwick, but our form seems to be dipping.

[Guest]

[seamus]

figured you would have anticipated that new page graham .

[Guest]

Thought I'd claim it before any of the B clan got their grubby hands on it

[UELLfan]

I was about to do it... but as new page WAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRS do not suit me I left the chance go begging

[seamus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by UELLfan:

I left the chance go begging <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Funny that seems to be Mafra's tactic as well.

[UELLfan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by seamus redux:

Funny that seems to be Mafra's tactic as well. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not every team in the league has the potential of yours, seamus

Must I remember you that according to the odds I am one of the most likely relegation candidates?

[Giziar]

Wanna swap teams?

[Giziar]

Oh!

The quick reply option is working while using Opera as Browser.

That will make a bit of postboosting here and there a bit easier.

:llama:

[iajafer]

Keep this sh­ite in your own thread, poofs

[phnompenhandy]

Right fellas, i've threatened this in the past - I'm now ready to let loose on you my notorious purple prose. What follows is a one-off, justifying my <ahem> managerial record to date. Future posts will be limited to matter-of-fact, but here, once only for your delication, is my tale of woe.....

[phnompenhandy]

The Horror! The Horror! – Newbie Caught in Spider’s Web

I Remember When This Was All Fields

The romantic world of Queens Park is a land where time stands still. The black and white hooped shirts are reminiscent of a bygone age, an age of enthusiastic amateurs when winning was unimportant, it was the taking part that counted.

However this curious anomaly finds itself enmeshed in a 21st century ethos of ruthless competitiveness where capital rules. Whilst the benign administrators of the {Bells} Scottish Football League have no problem with no-hopers scraping along the butt-end of the league year after year – there is no trapdoor, no relegation after all, The Spiders find themselves increasingly squeezed by these unpleasant contemporary realities.

Modern Life Is Rubbish

These days, if a manager does well he is rapidly poached by a club that will offer a contract and a modest salary; if the club has a poor run he will doubtless be sacked, thus the turnover is inevitably conducive to chronic instability. Furthermore whilst the club has one of the best youth policies in the country, as soon as a youngster breaks into the first team and shows promise he is also lured with promises of a part-time income and is thus lost to bosom of the mother who suckled him.

And so it came to pass that after yet another season spent in the lower reaches of the third division yet another manager was relieved of his responsibilities, and the board were fortunate to entice a hapless buffoon, unapprised of the club’s reputation and innocent of the machinations of sub-professional football but arriving with an impressive curriculum vitae from the highest footballing nation on Earth (in terms of altitude, not repute) – Nepal.

One Born Every Minute

Thus the man known as Andy became the fourth manager of Queens Park in little over twelve months. Given that the Spiders had finished last in the Third Division, last in the entire Scottish league, the raw material that he inherited was mediocre to say the least. He barely had time to assess his squad as they were nearing the end of the pre-season preparations and only a week shy of competitive action. He immediately set up a friendly against St. Mirren to look at his stock; since he wasn’t able to assess the strengths of his players in order to construct appropriate tactics he set up a simple 4-4-2 model with fairly basic instructions to each player. Alas he soon learnt that tactics are of limited worth when defenders are too slow and lumpen to move, wingers can’t run or cross and forwards can’t shoot (although to be fair the ball never got out of the Queens Park half), and he realised that he’d have to start at the training ground.

Queens Park play in the national stadium and have international class training facilities – if less than professional standard coaches and ideas. Andy immediately set about trying to recruit another coach and a scout although he soon learned that bringing staff into an amateur club with nothing more than a promise of £6 per week travelling expenses would be even more than a challenge than getting results on the pitch. Nevertheless he set about tweaking the training sessions and patiently tried to inculcate tactical ideas and practice them on the training pitch, but it was evident that any response would take time.

[phnompenhandy]

Here We Go, Here We Go

In no time Andy had his first home fixture, a final friendly against SPL outfit Dunfermline Athletic and a huge following of some 13,000 turned up to see what he was up to. Against all expectations the Spiders contained the premier opposition quite well and not only did they concede a mere two goal but they even scored a late consolation to leave their new manager quite hopeful.

Three days later the season began in earnest with a First Round Challenge Cup tie at home to Berwick, just relegated into the Third Division. Spiders took an early lead, sending the fans into raptures and causing the new manager a few moments to dream of great things; five goals later Andy was under no illusions just how inept his clueless defence was. It was a painful initiation into his new career.

He had a week to work the lads hard in training, the focus being getting everyone behind the ball and concentrating on plugging that leaky defence. How on Earth they’d score was an issue that would have to be addressed later. During the week Andy was shocked by a request from Kilmarnock to take one of his forwards. He hadn’t had a chance to properly assess the boy – he seemed to suggest a lot of potential and he could have become a first team regular, but Andy would never know as he couldn’t stand in the way of a move to the SPL and real money in the pocket.

The league season was upon him in no time and it began with a game at Stranraer. The boys were well primed in their instructions on how to defend as a unit and they took to the field in good spirits. Amazingly for a mad moment they forgot about the defending and went up the other end of the pitch and scored! They continued to play quite well until the defence lost its concentration for five fatal moments and two goals were conceded. The crestfallen gaffer shouted instructions to come out and push up and his boys responded with an equaliser. The game was bright and open, not at all what he’d prepared but in the end he was more than satisfied to open his league account with an away point, and an unexpected two goals from a team that had scored only fourteen all season in the last campaign. ‘Cautiously optimistic’ was the sound-bite he wanted to share with any interested hack, but no one showed up.

Reality Bites

The early ‘promise’ rapidly evaporated and it has taken a further tem games to score another two goals. Match after match the central defence has made like the Red Sea and the midfield have never been able to get hold of the ball to provide the forwards with any chances. Game after game we never even got out of our half and no amount of juggling the tactics or squad made any difference – there is just nothing to work with!

The second league game was a 0-4 reverse against Montrose, although we did subsequently pick up a point from a goalless draw at home to Berwick. However that was followed by a 0-2 defeat at the hands of Elgin, a game which also saw us pick up a rash or yellow and red cards as well as serious injuries – habits which have moulded into club traits this season.

Pig-In-Middle and Prozac

After a 0-4 humiliation in the League Cup at the hands of Partick Thistle we went on to sustain another 0-2 reverse at home to Cowdenbeath before being totally outclassed in a 0-3 defeat at Peterhead, a game in which we didn’t even achieve our characteristic one shot per match. After six games without a single goal we broke our duck at home to East Fife in a 1-1 draw before resorting to form with a 0-3 defeat at Stirling Albion.. The final match in the first round of games in the Third Division showed everyone just where we were – at home to fellow strugglers Gretna we were outplayed in the middle of the park and went down 0-1 at home. By this stage the entire squad was a collective bunch of manic depressives and even the piggy-in-the-middle sessions had turned into pure drudgery.

As I sent my scouts out with instructions to drag anyone willing to come for a trial to Hampden we had a stroke of fortune in the next match, at home to Stranraer. They had two men sent off and we used our numerical advantage to dominate a game for the first time, and our ten shots on target was more than we’d hitherto achieved all season. We were denied our desperately needed morale boosting victory by profligate finishing however and had to settle for a 1-1 draw. It’s all looking very very bleak.

[phnompenhandy]

Okay fellas, it's safe tae come out - I've finished.

[and tonight my fledgling career very probably will be]

[seamus]

Great read Andy! And I understood almost every word.

(psst. continue) -- sorry, just warming up.

[iajafer]

East Stirlingshire started off top of the 2nd Division. First game against Albion Rovers we were royally humped 6-1 and dropped back to third. Next two we managed to beat Alloa 2-1 and drew with bottom Club, Dumbarton, 1-1, and then we beat Raith Rovers 3-0.

This must have had some impact on the Kirkaldy Board because they sacked Calderon and offered me the job, but being a stand-up kinda loyal Shireman I turned them down.

One thing I am is loyal, to the core. When I have a job to do I stick to it through thick and thin, the opportunity to bring East Stirlingshire the glory they so thoroughly deserve...disappeared in a flash when Wimbledon, newly relegated from Division 1 and sitting 22nd in Division 2 after 20 games, £20 million in debt, came in with an offer I couldn't refuse

National Hockey Stadium, Milton Keynes. Nice

[Guest]

Session 14 - News from Gay Meadow

A record session in that I played nine games. Annoyingly for the others, I had a few midweek games, so they didn't have so many. Avid readers of these pages (I like to delude myself that there are some) will remember that I finished the last session with an unbeaten run in the league of ten games, and a lucky draw in the FA Cup away at lower-league Worcester. Let's see how the Shrews got on:

Hereford (H) 1-0

Southport (A) 2-0

FAC4Q® Worcester City (H) 0-0 (won 5-4 on pens)

FAC1 Margate (A) 0-2

Accrington (H) 3-0

Stevenage (H) 0-2

Halifax (A) 0-0

FGR (A) 0-1

Exeter (H) 0-0

The replay against Worcester was the mirror image of the first time, with the Shrews dominating this time. We managed 28 shots on goal (10 on target) without them registering a single effort!

After such a mamoth effort, it was then dissapointing to go out so meekly to non-league Margate in the following round. However, at this stage my squad was decimated by injuries.

The unbeaten run stetched to thirteen games before Stevenage put an end to it. We have now started another run, but an unwanted one: no goals in four games

Last night saw me blow the remainder of my transfer budget (all £3K of it). I brought in a ML with great stats, cancelling the transfer of a mediocre MR to do so. This is a bit of a gamble as I have quite good cover on the left, while the cupboard is bare on the right.

Having been up to a high point of third during the session, we had slipped down to seventh by the end.

[seamus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by iajafer:

One thing I am is loyal, to the core. When I have a job to do I stick to it through thick and thin, <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Read, until results start to go sour (no longer top of the table) and he gets livid at the game (what was that comment Iaj?).

Loyal. Pfft. And fled for poofland no less.

[iajafer]

Now there's a guy who's well-read in the art of gutter-journalism. Pick a few words from a quote and make up whatever p­ish comes into your head .

What you say has some bones, though. What manager from the second placed team in their Division wouldn't jump at the chance to flee to a bankrupt Club on the slide, with debts of a triple-rollover magnitude, and every player up for transfer at the orders of the Recievers?

(The comment went along the lines of "*****, *****, ****** *****, *********, ****** **** ****, It's a ****** stupid game and we're stupid ******* to play it!!!! ", if memory serves )

[seamus]

What's the fun of excerpting quotes if you can't twist them to the story you want.

And yeah, that comment seems about right. Except without all the asteriks.

As for the game itself, on to Elgin (where true loyalty lies ).

Won the first two matches 1 - 0 and then faced bottom feeders QP which could've proved to be a stumbling block but we managed alright, a 2 - 0 win I think. This set us up for a big clash against second in the table Berwick who, let's just say, had a decent match. They were lucky winners at 6 - 0 and I thought we deserved better .

Next up was third placed Peterhead (abandoned by Mark and without their star striker due to injury). It didn't matter much as they ran out 2 - 0 at the half with two brilliant goals. Felt another thrashing coming on, but we managed to pull one back before they were given a penalty. Lady luck came through as they hit the post and we proceeded to take the ball down to score the equalizer. Felt we should've had a winner, but a draw was a fine result.

We're second to Berwick on goal difference.

[seamus]

And in addition, one of those 1 - 0 wins was against Cyber Guinness, who manages to get online every day save for when we play. We're beginning to take it personally.

Wassup Moose?

[phnompenhandy]

<Ahem> Devon,

2-0 my arse [being a constipated arse]. Queens Park began the session predictably enough - two away defeats 0-1 to Montrose and a whopping 0-5 at Berwick. The latter game had everything - we conceded 5, our skipper conceded a penalty, went around kicking everyone, mouthing off and getting sent off but not before scoring an own goal, and to top it all our one and only keeper got nobbled. It was real wrist-slitting stuff

And then Devon's Elgin City graced us with a visit. Suddenly we were playing football - actually passing the ball to each other, getting over the half way line and having a decent number of shots on goal. We were a little unlucky to come away with a 2-2 draw. The difference was this - I was forced to replace my suspended captain with a Somali kid who did a Stevie Gerrard job in linking the defence and attack in a way that had been hopelessly missing up to then.

We had two more away fixtures to follow - and **** me we won them both! 3-1 at Cowdenbeath and 2-0 at East Fife. We continued to play football once some self-belief had been instilled in the Elgin game. The entire squad also went from manically depressive to hysterically high as a result of that one result too - there was me thinking the 'balance' attribute had to do with not falling over rather than girly emotions

Still, we're on a roll, we've closed the gap at the bottom and we're poised to make a charge up the table.

In the meantime Ian's clearly hoping his next job will be in the EHL (Why else take over at the national hockey stadium - hmm?)

And very spookily, at the same time the Raith Rovers manager was shown the door in our game he was sacked in real life by the incoming Managing Director - Anelka's brother! I did initially apply for the job but now I know who's in charge I'm somewhat cool on the prospect. Which bit's reality again? I took the CMO pill - I can't get out the Matrix

[seamus]

How could I forget the Somali!

I knew I shouldn't have posted that early in the morning.

I've been rewriting history all day.

[phnompenhandy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I've been rewriting history all day. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now you're a script writer for Hollywood - sweet

[Guest]

You have to admire the sense of humour of those Wimbledon directors. They're £20 million in debt, so who do they hire? Yes, they bring in our Scottish mod with the small-child-in-a-sweetshop approach to fiscal discipline! This is a man who clearly graduated from the Peter Risdale school of financial planning.

Rumours are that circulating that Ian had to leave East Stirling as the exponential growth of the wage budget meant that they would soon have to pay out the GDP of a small African country in wages every month.

I fully expect Wimbledon FC to soon surpass the NHS and become Europe's biggest employer

[iajafer]

Better to be hung for a sheep than a lamb, Graham

...I'll be slightly - about an hour - late tonight. Don't finish 'til 8, so I'll be there about 9.

[seamus]

I'm getting tired of all these work excuses...

[iajafer]

I'm getting tired of all this work...

[phnompenhandy]

Let me get my retaliation in first

You may recall that after I took over at Queens Park we won precisely NONE of our first THIRTEEN league games (plus no wins in friendlies and cup matches). Then we got a draw against Devon's Elgin City when I was forced by injuries to draft in a young Somalian lad (a student at Strathclyde Uni presumably).

The boy stayed in the side to inspire us to a winning streak which tonight was extended to six after wins over Stirling, Peterhead and Gretna, taking us off the bottom and up into 7th position. 4th is in our sights, only three or four points ahead. We did have a reversal in the cup, 2-1 away to 2nd division Alloa but we all know what cups do

However the big news goes like this: in our opening fixture against Stirling an opponent got booked a second into the match, we scored in the first minute, a new signing came on as a sub and scored with his first touch, subsequently winning our first man-of-the-match award of the season, and that evening I recienved news that I'd been given the job at 2nd Division high-flying East Stirling (Ian's team until he defected to the deep south).

And then the ****er crashed.

The replayed game was dull and I never heard from East Stirling ever again

Feckin' network feckupz. Grr

Still, you gorra laff eh, plus I wouldn't bet against Queens Park being in with a chance of promotion come the fianl game of the season. We all know the story of the Chinese farmer and his horse, right

[Guinness79]

Hey guys, I deeply apologize for my absences, once had ISP problems, and since I just haven't even had 10 minutes to even sit down and check e-mail.

This Thursday is again a no for me, and Monday is unlikely as well, since it's a long weekend up here, and I'll be at my new cabin.

Anyway, the following Thursday I should be up and ready to go.

Sorry again!