FMS Oceania Nations Cup - The Story

[WLKRAS]

On this episode of MMONGS, our heroes all take up managing a country of dubious footballing quality in the hope of leading them to winning the <STRIKE>tinpot</STRIKE> Oceania Nations Cup.

Coming Soon.

[WLKRAS]

On this episode of MMONGS, our heroes all take up managing a country of dubious footballing quality in the hope of leading them to winning the <STRIKE>tinpot</STRIKE> Oceania Nations Cup.

Coming Soon.

[Peacemaker7]

Tahiti Squad

Marama Vahirua

[Terk]

Fiji

No, I didn’t know they played football either. They’re getting pretty decent at rugby, they beat Wales in the World Cup (though to be honest even Scotland could probably do that) but football? Apparantly they came third in the Tinpot Nations Cup back in 1998; I’d be happy just to qualify for it this time.

Esala Masi is the star of the squad, even though he now has a zimmer frame to keep him mobile. Forty-five caps and fourteen goals is the stuff legends are made of around here, especially when you realise that the rest of the squad has nine goals at international level between them.

The rest of them had some damned silly names that I’m buggered if I could remember, but it was obvious they’d be the stars of this tournament. I mean, who the **** are Tahiti?

[WLKRAS]

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

| Pkd | Inf | Name | Position | Club | Height | Weight | Age | Value |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Viliami Taufahema | GK | Navutoka | 181 cm | 84 kg | 19 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Sean Cassidy | GK | Funga'onetaka | 193 cm | 95 kg | 17 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Dorryl Howell | GK | Ha'ateiho | 187 cm | 89 kg | 20 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Rst | Ahosivi Unufe | SW, D C | Vaolongolongo | 176 cm | 78 kg | 17 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Lokoua Taufahema | D R | Navutoka | 177 cm | 80 kg | 20 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Maika Taufahema | D R | Navutoka | 174 cm | 75 kg | 19 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Timote Moleni | D L | Kolofo'ou | 184 cm | 85 kg | 20 | £1K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Hicham Lake | D LC | Popua | 184 cm | 84 kg | 18 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Rst | Leon Dyer | D LC, WB L | Ma'ufanga | 176 cm | 79 kg | 18 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Kevin Nau | D C | Navutoka | 177 cm | 77 kg | 24 | £1K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Frederick Saafi | D C | Ngele'ia | 177 cm | 80 kg | 23 | £1K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Silio Vea | WB R | Veitongo | 180 cm | 81 kg | 21 | £1K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Inj | Tauelangi Faiva | DM | Kolofo'ou | 181 cm | 81 kg | 19 | £1K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Rst | Siale Vea | DM | Veitongo | 179 cm | 80 kg | 17 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Rst | Kava Tuihahau | M R | Popua | 170 cm | 73 kg | 17 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Lanisi Salesi | M L | Ha'atafu | 184 cm | 82 kg | 20 | £3K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Kaisani Uhatahi | AM R | Popua | 176 cm | 77 kg | 22 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Viliami Vaitaki | AM L | Ngele'ia | 174 cm | 77 kg | 23 | £1K |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Halapua Falepapalangi | AM L | Navutoka | 177 cm | 82 kg | 17 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Rst | Dick Bentley | AM LC | Ngele'ia | 173 cm | 74 kg | 16 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Rst | Leam Osborne | AM/F C | Ahau | 175 cm | 78 kg | 16 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Teukihakausiu Nafe | ST | Ngele'ia | 175 cm | 79 kg | 23 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Sitivi Sikulu | ST | Ha'atafu | 183 cm | 83 kg | 19 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Maikolo Uhatahi | ST | Vaolongolongo | 178 cm | 80 kg | 20 | - |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| | | | | | | | | |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

I'm sure everyone will recognise the world renowned names of Lanisi Salesi and Teukihakausiu Nafe. Tonga is obviously a relatively new country, with none of it’s inhabitants exceeding the age of 24. Or at least none that dare to play football anyway. I hope they’re not cannibals around here. If we get trounced every game, the local population might be keen to try out some tasty white meat from Holland.

[prince_capri]

Van van van, Vanuatu

Yes, the name sounds quite hip.

Yes, that was the reason I picked them.

Yes, there players are rubbish.

Yes, I am regretting it now.

Still, you have to admit, with a country name like that, you cannot go wrong. But the team selection was another story. It was not a matter of choosing the best out of best, but choosing best out of the worst. Plus given the number of people they had, it was slightly tricky. What made matters worse was the 30 second deadline put up by the organizers. This meant that I had to close my eyes and pick and chose players that I wanted in the squad..

Oh well, there will be time for redemption later.

[prince_capri]

Meet the players

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

| Pkd | Inf | Name | Position| Club | Height | Weight | Age | Value |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | James Willie Bila | GK | Amical | 6'2" | 92 kg | 23 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Inj | John Presley Garae | GK | Amical | 5'11" | 82 kg | 24 | £1K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Narada Ryan | GK | Atsal | 5'10" | 79 kg | 17 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Nono Noel | SW, D C | Blackbeach | 6'4" | 93 kg | 18 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Georges Tabe | SW, D C | Puma | 5'11" | 81 kg | 21 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Tinning Stephane Tete | D R | Puma | 6'0" | 86 kg | 23 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Maki Gerard Haitong | D L | Tafea | 6'0" | 85 kg | 20 | £2K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Kesandu Holdsworth | D C | Concorde | 5'9" | 76 kg | 19 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Charly Kalnasei | D C | Eraniau | 5'10" | 78 kg | 21 | £1K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Tony Sope | D C | Tupuji Imere | 6'3" | 92 kg | 23 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Shem Morrisson | WB R | Eraniau | 5'10" | 78 kg | 21 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Samsom Lini | WB L | Blackbeach | 5'8" | 73 kg | 21 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Edwin Rarai | WB L | Puma | 5'8" | 72 kg | 20 | £1K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Alson Kaitak | DM | Concorde | 5'10" | 79 kg | 21 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Jacob Hakwa | M L | Concorde | 5'8" | 75 kg | 24 | £1K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Antonio Malapa | AM R | Nipikinamu | 5'9" | 79 kg | 18 | £1K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | George Natuoivi | AM R | Rocky | 5'10" | 78 kg | 19 | £2K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Lorry Thompson | AM C | Concorde | 5'10" | 81 kg | 23 | £2K |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Samuel Gunn | ST | Blackbeach | 5'9" | 73 kg | 19 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Richard Iwai | ST | Tafea | 5'10" | 80 kg | 17 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Jean Christophe Massing | ST | Amical | 5'11" | 82 kg | 23 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | James Tarimule Salai | ST | Siaraga | 5'9" | 76 kg | 24 | - |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| | | | | | | | | |

| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

Hakwa and Lorry Thompson are perhaps the players I am looking towards, to take Vanuatu to the next level.

[Peacemaker7]

Game One Tahiti v American Samoa

The preliminary tournament would get off to a bang in New Caledonia against the highly rated Americans. Even if they were Samoan.

Teiva Izal got the show on the road after three minutes, Vahirua was on target a short while later, and then four other players found the net as we ran out 6-0 winners.

Easy as pie this.

[Terk]

Samoa (Away)

We beat these ****ers 4-0 in a friendly before I joined. Piece of cake. OK, so we went 1-0 down after half an hour and we were playing like the complete bunch of no-hopers that we are. But nae bother, we’ll turn it round in the second. Or maybe not. Masi did save us from defeat with an equaliser just after the hour, but **** me, we really do suck.

Samoa 1 – 1 Fiji

[WLKRAS]

Vs Cook Islands

My glorious debut as manager of mighty Tonga would come against the Cook Islands. I picked the following eleven players to do the honours.

Cassidy; Taufahema, Dyer, Lake, Saafi; K. Uhatahi ©, Salesi, Faiva, Osborne; Nafe, M. Uhatahi;

Cassidy was forced into an early save on two minutes, but he held it as comfortable as you could expect from a 17 year old. Nine minutes into the match, we were celebrating my first success when Nafe scored from close range to put us ahead. Double the time and we doubled the margin as Nafe set up Maikolo Uhatahi for the 2-0 on 18 minutes. Just before the break, Uhatahi was at it again and scored what would be the final goal of the match. 3-0 win first up and though Saafi got a sending off late in the match, I was pleased with our start.

[WLKRAS]

Vs Papua New Guinea

I was forced to make a couple of changes for suspension and injury, but we continued to perform on the same foot. Nafe scored from a floated cross from the right on 13 minutes and youngster Osborne scored with a scorching shot from 30 yards two minutes later. A defensive lapse saw us concede a goal after the break to make it 2-1, but we clung on to a second victory in as many matches.

[prince_capri]

Game 1 - v Solomon Islands home

A home game we had a shot at winning. The players were well rested, and Solomon started the game, soon pushing the ball into our nets wiithing the minute. One down, we needed a revival.

Antonito Malapa soon fired one in fofr Vans to level the score. Samuel Gunn and Hakwa each added one to push teh score at 3-1 for the Vans. It was a good scoreline, and I was excited to win our first competitive game.

However, I had no answer for what was to come. Solomon nipped one back in the 62nd minute to push the score to 3-2. It was a tight game from there on, and we did a 'WLKRAS' in the 90th minute, and drew to a silly goal. It might as well be a loss.

[Peacemaker7]

Game 2 - New Caledonia, the Hosts

A tough game was expected against the group hosts and it so it proved until Alain Kecine sent the ball into his own net - from 40 yards!

Felix Tagawa scored a late second and we were almost surely now through to the Final group.

[Terk]

American Samoa

**** me. We won. OK, so it was against American Samoa who got beat about 300-0 by Australia once, but it’s still three points. Obviously Masi scored the opener, and then substitutes Kini Viliame and Freddy Vukalokalo got in on the act. 3-0. Ya ****ing dancer.

Fiji 3 – 0 American Samoa

[WLKRAS]

Vs Solomon Islands

After two fairly easy games, the Solomons would prove to be a tougher challenge. They were indeed, first dispensing of our star striker Nafe by injuring him and then taking the lead through their absolute star Fa’arodo. But while the first half was one way traffic directed at our goal, the second was much more even. We even created several good chances and on the hour mark, it was the captain, Kaisani Uhatahi, who levelled things with a placed shot from 12 yards out. Several more chances went begging late on and we had to share the spoils.

With just one game left to play, against the co-hosts Vanuatu, we have seven points from three games and stand a very good chance to progress to the next round.

[Terk]

New Caledonia

**** this ****. We're out.

New Caledonia 4 - 2 Fiji

[Terk]

Tahiti

Oh ********. We lost to Tahiti as well. Time to pack my bags.

Fiji 1 - 2 Tahiti

[WLKRAS]

Vs Vanuatu

With the pressure already off after the other teams had dropped enough points to see us through without playing, we didn’t really make much of an effort to beat the hosts. The first half was littered with poor football and only Gunn’s goal for Vanuatu in the closing stages of the half brought any reprieve for the supporters. We suffered a massive blow in the second half when Kevin Nau tore his calf muscle and would be out for four months. We played out the match shakily and never looked like overturning the 1-0 deficit.

[Terk]

Sneaky, sneaky. I'm back in, got the job with the Solomon Islands. I wanted the New Zealand job, but they gave that to the Indian fella.

[Peacemaker7]

Tahiti

A 2-2 draw with Samoa was not exactly the kind of performance we were looking for and Vahirua was not happy that all his hard work in scoring two goals was undone by sloppy defending and keeping.

Against Fiji an early Vahirua penalty sent us on our way and early in the second half he drifted past the whole Fijian side to score a wonder goal and we were through for sure. Oh yeah Fiji scored, but who cares really.

[HD]

New Caledonia

After New Caledonia lost 2-0 to Tahiti in their opening fixture, the FA determined that it would be necessary to appoint a new coach, canning the present incumbant. His assistant took the reigns for a fine 2-1 win over Samoa, but that morning it had been announced that I would be taking over for the rest of the tournament.

First challenge was to beat Fiji in what had essentially become a playoff for the second qualification slot. Falling behind early, we persevered and by halftime led 2-1. This would have been a joyous time, but twenty seconds into the second half a highly controversial refereeing decision saw one of our defenders sent off for what was never a last-man tackle. Nevertheless we pressed forward and netted a third before Fiji had the chance to capitalise.

At this stage, however, we anticipated a battle and even as my substitutes stood on the sideline awaiting the referee's signal, Fiji netted for a second time. Urging my players to run down the clock, I pointed to the corners, to the goals, anywhere. Who knew what would happen? As it was, we scored again and won 4-2 in what I considered to be a big upset.

Thereafter we needed to beat American Samoa to ensure qualification for the final group. That wasn't to be, however, neither side mustering more than a single shot on goal in the course of a turgid 0-0 draw. Tahiti faced Fiji, knowing a win for the side we had so spectacularly beaten would see both through and ourselves eliminated.

Tahiti, though, are professionals and saw out a comfortable victory, ensuring we progressed with them to face the Soloman Islands, New Zealand and Tonga in the final group stage. It was bound to be a fascinating adventure and with the pressure off, perhaps this young side could make a name for itself.

[prince_capri]

Game 2 - away v Papua New Guinea

A game we should have easily won, but lost as the strikers failed to convert the chances laid for them. It was a drab game in the end, which we lost by a gaol to nil. In hindsight, the performance could have been much better...but with passing times, it seems that Vanuatu's reach for the Oceania's cup was now difficult.

Game 3 - away v Papua New Guinea

Vanuatu were now 155 in FIFA ranking, and playing a country placed at 197th should have been an easy affair. Alas it wasn't so, as another drab game saw the final score of nil-nil. Since we drew this game, our chances of going to Oceania Cup were pretty much kicked out of the window. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

[prince_capri]

Game 4 - home v Tonga

Playing the 191st placed Tonga, I wasn't sure of victory. Heck, I wasn't even sure of a draw. The only think I could perhaps salvage from this gwme was pride, and so I did.

In a very close affair, Gunn scored a screamer just before Half time to give us the lead. We continued, and maintained the scoreline till the Full time, giving us our 1st win.

However, since we didn't qualify, I retired, ho[ing for a fresh challenge.

[Terk]

Tonga

"These guys aren't very good, they need a confidence boost, let's give them a three goal head start." The lads lived up to their instructions well, even giving Tonga an own goal into the bargin. But naturally there came a time when we needed to get on with winning. The referee's bribe was paid and he awarded us three penalties and made sure Tonga were reduced to ten men. Three points in the bag, bring on those Caledonian numpties.

Solomon Islands 4 - 3 Tonga

[WLKRAS]

Final Group

So, here we were, probably against most people’s expectations, as the 191st ranked team in the world participating in the most prestigious cup in all of Oceania. Maybe. Our first match would see us renew our acquaintance with the Solomon Islands, though this time with a new manager. We would be hard pressed to get a result though, with no less than six players injured, five of them defenders.

Vs Solomon Islands

It looked oh-so comfortable. 3-0 up after twenty minutes and no a cloud in the sky. By half time, it was 3-3, with a bit of help from the referee. He first awarded a dubious penalty to the Solomons, before handing central defender Unufe his marching orders, leaving me with just two fit defenders on the pitch. The second half added more woes to our cause as the cheating ref gave our opponents two more penalties, one of which was scored. Finally Salesi had to go off injured to add to our ever growing injury list.

[Terk]

New Caledonia

I hate these *****.

New Caledonia 5 - 0 Solomon Islands

[HD]

Final Group - Game 1: Solomon Islands

It was set to be a tough game against a Solomons side that recovered from 3-0 down to beat Tonga 4-3 in their opening game. What made matters worse was top scorer, Vincent Xatie Tauà, calling off with a cold. Despite this we were confident that we could make something happen.

The Solomons were the competition hosts and their rousing comeback a few days earlier had peaked interest in the tournament in all corners of the Islands. It was, then, set to be a tough encounter. Or should have been.

Five goals, three from Loic Bessieres and one each from Joris Pibke and Adrien Poatyie made it simple as we romped to victory and took our place atop the group, ahead of the invincible New Zealanders on goal difference. If this was indeed to be the high water mark, it was some moment to enjoy.

[prince_capri]

The res-erectiion

So here I was again, called back from retirement, to lead New Zeland to Oceania Cup glory. I was not the first choice, but since my win against Tonga, the chairman was impressed. So I was res-erected.

Game 1 - v Tahiti away

With all the talk of Tahiti manager, 7, handing back our asses in the game, the Zeland players were visibly scared. I was too. 7 was a good manager, and played with passion, to say the least.

The match started with Tahiti offering us a penalty within the 10 minutes. Even though we missed, Simon Elliot converted a chance to send us 1 up within 20 minutes. This was followed by another from Lochhead. We were cruising at HT, and the Tahiti team were bruising, with them down to 10 men and all.

The 2nd half was more aggressive, and we bagged 4 goals (6 in all), against their 3. In the end, the 6-3 scoreline was justified and it was a great entertainment for the crowd.

At this juncture, it must be mentioned that if it was not for my daredevil all out tactics (or 7's for that matter), the scoreline would have been a subdued 2-0.

[WLKRAS]

Vs Tahiti

With hardly any players fit, it was no surprise that our morale was shot to pieces. Add the humiliating defeat against the Solomons into the mix and you could see why we didn’t trouble Tahiti. A four-nil thrashing, helping by yet another penalty being given against us with the mandatory injury to one of our players was the result after ninety minutes. Maybe I should just quit now before I get stuck in a pot and boiled.

[Peacemaker7]

The second stage would get off to a tough start against runaway favourites New Zealand, who are only still playing here because they don't have the guts to bugger off to Asia where they might get beat all the time.

With prince_capri in charge though, the New Zealand threat was greatly reduced, and although they fluked a half time 2-0 lead, I had my master plan all ready for a great second half come back - until the ref cheated and sent my marmoset off. Even so we put up a brave fight against the New Zealand cowardly cheats and would have won if we hadn't lost.

Tonga had done well in the prelims but after being three up in their previous game and losing 4-3, they were fading fast and we showed them no mercy as we strolled to an all to easy 4-0 win. If it wasn't for the cowardly custards from lamb land we might win the World Cup.

Possibly.

[WLKRAS]

Vs New Zealand

I have no idea how this match turned out as I hid behind the dugout for the duration off it. We probably lost mind you. Heavily.

[Terk]

We lost. We lost against Tahiti, we lost against New Zealand. Not particularly surprising really. This lot are as bad as Fiji.

[HD]

Final Group - The Defeats

We scored twice against Tahiti and New Zealand, but lost 12, five to the Tahitians in the first game and seven to a nandrololone and HGH boosted NZ side.

If we could, however, beat Tonga in game 4, draw with them or lose by less than 5 goals then we would be the greatest side NC had ever produced, so that would be nice.

[Peacemaker7]

New Caledonia, if they beat us, could win the overall tournament (excluding the cheating lamb munchers. This would be a tough match, and it was little surprise when New Cal took a 25th minute lead. Vahirua equalized immediately though, but New Cal went ahead again which was really just a bit show-offish. Tiatia or whatever he's called, levelled again before half time, before Vahirua completed his hattrick in the second half, and Elmour Fudd added a 5th. Easy.

The final match against the Solomon Islands, and a draw would be enough to secure the title. Vahirua, who else, sent us ahead on 8 minutes and Felix Tagawa made it 2-0. Solomon were level three minutes into the second half but thoughts of a comeback were soon destroyed and in the end Tahiti came through undefeated against all the real teams.

Which is nice.

[WLKRAS]

Vs New Caledonia

In a game with only our honour to play for, we fought like lions and battle like warriors to grab a narrow 2-1 win, courtesy of M. Uhatapi’s opening goal and Dyer’s free kick that won it. It meant we managed to finish 4th in the final league standings, which for Tonga, wasn’t too bad indeed. Maybe I wouldn’t get eaten after all.

[HD]

And Finally..

We lost to Tonga, but only 2-1, so we finished third in the group, matching the achievement of 1974 and 1980 and cementing our place in history, the greatest New Caledonian side in a couple of generations.

Magnifico!