It's called football, for ****'s sake

[Terk]

Honestly, when will those upstarts across 'the pond' learn? In what they laughingly call football, the ball spends most of its time in someone's hands. At least we have the decency to call it rugby, give it its own name. Anyway, these yanks are pretty good at their sports. They win lots of medals at the Olympics (especially those shiny gold ones that British athletes seem so alergic to), they've pretty much got a monopoly on baseball (though I suspect that that's because only themselves and a few misguided Canadians and Japanese actually care). They even have the cheek to call their purely American based competition 'The World Series'. That's one way to make sure England win the next World Cup, don't let any other bugger enter.

But there's one sport in particular where they're lacking, and that quite obviously, is football. They may not be very good at Curling either, but that sort of thing's best left out of the way. It stands to reason then, that what they need is someone from the home of football to go and teach them how it should be done. That's where I come in. My goal: lead the US to World Cup glory. My realistic goal: not get shot in L.A..

[Terk]

Honestly, when will those upstarts across 'the pond' learn? In what they laughingly call football, the ball spends most of its time in someone's hands. At least we have the decency to call it rugby, give it its own name. Anyway, these yanks are pretty good at their sports. They win lots of medals at the Olympics (especially those shiny gold ones that British athletes seem so alergic to), they've pretty much got a monopoly on baseball (though I suspect that that's because only themselves and a few misguided Canadians and Japanese actually care). They even have the cheek to call their purely American based competition 'The World Series'. That's one way to make sure England win the next World Cup, don't let any other bugger enter.

But there's one sport in particular where they're lacking, and that quite obviously, is football. They may not be very good at Curling either, but that sort of thing's best left out of the way. It stands to reason then, that what they need is someone from the home of football to go and teach them how it should be done. That's where I come in. My goal: lead the US to World Cup glory. My realistic goal: not get shot in L.A..

[Terk]

When I entered the scene, in July 2004, qualifying for the 2006 World Cup had already begun on North American shores. My U.S.A. team had won themselves a place in the second phase with a 6-2 aggregate win over the Caymen Islands, hardly a result to shout from the rooftops about, if I'm honest. That placed us in a group with Canada, Jamaica and Panama. A six game stage from which the top two teams in each group would go through to the third (and I believe final) stage. Then you take an in depth look at the level of talent in American football. Not so bad. A few shining lights (Landon Donovan, DaMarcus Beasley) and some solid players to back them up. This was certainly looking like being an easier job than I had anticipated.

My first sojourn into international management came with a game against Jamaica at the Rose Bowl in L.A.. Wearing a bullet proof vest underneath my tracksuit, I walked out and watched as the players near wet themselves with pride as their national anthem (a truly uninspiring dirge) rang through the stadium. The game, however, was somewhat better, even though the midfield became crowded at times, with their 3-5-2 effective at cancelling out our 4-5-1.

Despite this, it was clear that we were the better side, and finally we took the lead five minutes from half time when Beasley took a Dunivant ball in his stride, skipped past three laid back defenders and fired his shot past Andrew Hue in the Jamaican goal. It was no less than we deserved, indeed in all honesty we should have been far further ahead by the interval, but some poorly placed passes from the midfield had cost us in some promising moves.

The second half continued where the first had left off, with us well in control, and the Jamaicans seemingly happy to take a backseat in the game. We knew that a second goal would kill the match as a contest, and it duly came just after the hour mark when Grabavoy cross for Donovan to head home from eight yards out.

There was plenty time left for Charlton striker Jason Euell to get himself in referee James Bell's book twice, ending in the inevitable red card just five minutes from the end. It had absolutely no effect on the game's result though, and we ended matchday one in second place after Canada unsurprisingly opened their account with a 3-1 win at home against Panama.

Final Score: U.S.A. 2 - 0 Jamaica

(Beasley 40"; Donovan 66"; Euell s/off 85")

MoM: DaMarcus Beasley (8)

U.S.A. team: Friedel; Hejduk, Pope, Whitbread, Dunivant; Klein, Grabavoy, Reyna, Dempsey, Beasley; McBride

Subs: Donovan for Klein (61) Wolff for McBride (61) Mastroeni for Hejduk (80)

[Terk]

With Landon Donovan, Brad Friedel and Conor Casey out of the squad for the away game against Panama two and a half weeks later, there was the chance for some of the younger to cement their place in the squad. The ridiculously arrogant American public were expecting a flood of goals, and it seemed anything less would lead to a riot.

So when, come half time in Panama City, the score was tied at 0-0, I had more than a few worries. We had already lost DaMarcus Beasley to a fractured arm, meaning that DC United's young gun Freddy Adu was on the pitch, and proving to everybody that, despite excellent club form and nation wide calls for him to be in the national squad, fifteen really is too young to be playing international football.

We had looked entirely anaemic in the first half, so I gambled and made my two remaining changes at the break, bringing uncapped players Brian Ching and Ramon Nunez on for Josh Wolff and Ned Grabavoy respectively. Thankfully, it proved to make something of a difference.

As the game ended its first hour, Nunez won a free kick twenty yards from the Panama goal, and veteran Manchester City midfielder Claudio Reyna stepped up to whip an effort straight past goalkeeper José Torres and into the top corner of the net. I knew once we were ahead that there was no danger of us failing to take the three points, Panama had been just as poor as us, if not even worse as they'd failed to even carve out a clear chance of their own.

The result was put beyond doubt eleven minutes from time. Doing the first thing that might have redeemed his performance, Freddy Adu darted in off his left wing and slipped a lovely weighted ball between Panama defenders for Ching to run onto and slam a first time shot past Torres. With Jamaica doing us a favour and taking three points off Canada, things were certainly looking good for third phase qualification.

Final Score: Panama 0 - 2 U.S.A.

(Reyna 60"; Ching 79")

MoM: Brian Ching (8)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Hejduk, Pope, Whitbread, Dunivant; Klein, Grabavoy, Kovalenko, Reyna, Beasley; Wolff

Subs: Adu for Beasley (28) Ching for Wolff (45) Nunez for Grabavoy (45)

[Rojitoz]

I love your steriotyping the Americans...haha. I guess we do the same with those "Cold hearted" Brits...haha.

Anyways, good to see a Team USA story up here, keep it up!

[Terk]

cheers, rojitoz i'm planning to have run out every american stereotype before the story ends

=================

Beasley's fractured arm called for three weeks of rest before he could take to the field again, meaning he was most certainly out of our game against Canada, just four days after we had put Panama to the sword. Naturally there was some animosity surrounding the game, those haughty Canucks like to thinkof themselves as the betters of their souther yokel neighbours. And, for the first half hour or so of our game in L.A., they were.

Felix Brilliant (how I long for the day when he lines up in the same side as Danny Invincible) was running the show from midfield, and even after the dangerous Dwayne de Rosario had retired injured, Tomasz Radzinski caused our defence endless problems. Nick Rimando held strong in goal, however, and as half time approached we managed to force ourselves in front, still completely against the run of play, when Zak Whitbread headed home Eddie Lewis' pinpoint corner.

Zak's goal seemed to have broken the spirit of the Canadians, they hardly put up a fight in the second half as we ran riot towards an easy victory. Within three minutes of the restart, Ned Grabavoy had latched onto Whitbread's flick on of Dunivant's throw in, and slid the ball past Pat Onstad in the Canada goal to double our lead.

Two goals in three minutes either side of the hour mark sealed the game and the points for us, keeping us well on top of the group. First, Fulham striker Brian McBride rose high to head home Landon Donovan's corner, and then a great run and cross down the left flank from substitute Arturo Alvarez gave Chris Klein the easiest of headers from six yards out.

There was even a fifth in the game for us before the final whistle. McBride's run into the penalty area was illegally halted by Michaël Klukowski, and Donovan stepped up to sidefoot the resultant penalty past Onstad. There was no doubt that I'd expected this to be our toughest encounter to date, instead it provided us with a result that basically made me a national hero, at least until the Jamaica game a month later anyway.

Final Score: U.S.A. 5 - 0 Canada

(Whitbread 43"; Grabavoy 48"; McBride 59"; Klein 62"; Donovan pen 72")

MoM: Chris Klein (8)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Hejduk, Onyewu, Whitbread, Dunivant; Klein, Grabavoy, Kovalenko, Reyna, Lewis; Razov

Subs: McBride for Razov (54) Donovan for Reyna (54) Alvarez for Lewis (54)

[flipsix3]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Terk:

i'm planning to have run out every american stereotype before the story ends </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's a lot of stereotypes to get through in five or ten posts!!

Just kidding of course, and an immensely enjoyable read here Terk. Looking forward to you doing a bit of yank... erm... spanking

[Terk]

cheers, flip i'm done promising a finish, that's never worked in the past, this'll probably just fall into a deafening silence like every other story i've written

--------------

Jamaica had beaten Panama in Kingston whilst we nailed Canada, and a month later we faced the laid back, ganja smoking inhabitants of said island on their home patch. It was the first of a double header, we’d play Panama (complete with silly hats) back in the good old US of A four days later.

The game began well for us, as well indeed as it had when we had faced them in L.A.. In fact, it began even better, as we stumbled onto the scoresheet after a mere twenty-five minutes this time around. Landon Donovan, back in the starting line-up after benching against Canada, whipped in a wonderful cross which Klein volleyed past Andrew Hue.

Disaster then struck, however, as referee James Bell, who had sent off Jason Euell when we had played Jamaica at the Rose Bowl, decided it was time to brandish his red card again when DaMarcus Beasley tripped Fabian Taylor. Despite clearly not being the last man, Mr Bell considered it to be a professional foul (I’ve always wondered if there were such a thing as an amateur foul) and flourished a straight red card at our PSV winger. Brian Ching was moved out to the left wing to cover, our 4-5-1 nature leaving us without a striker as we tried to defend what we had.

That plan didn’t hold so well though, as in the final minute of the match, after we had repelled Jamaica’s numerous attacks throughout the second half, Kevin Lisbie found himself free of defenders and able to loft a cheeky lob over Nick Rimando. The American public had been demanding a goal-laden win over the Jamaicans (shows how much they know. Jamaica are good. Honest), so a single point tarnished somewhat the hero status I had accquired after the Canada win. Things would have to be put right against Panama.

Final Score: Jamaica 1 – 1 U.S.A.

(Klein 25â€; Beasley s/off 33â€; Lisbie 90â€)

MoM: Landon Donovan (8)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Russell, Mastroeni, Whitbread, Dunivant; Donovan, Grabavoy, Kovalenko, Klein, Beasley; Ching

Subs: Dempsey for Ching (45) Clark for Kovalenko (75) Reyna for Klein (75)

[Terk]

The public again demanded not only a win, but a healthy one at that when we lined up to face Panama at the Rose Bowl. A change was made again to my unconscionably crap front line, the alliteratively named Taylor Twellman replacing Brian Ching. For once, we managed to placate the tobacco-chewing, gun-toting masses, thumping a massive victory past the Panamanian side.

It was obviously important to secure a good start, something we hadn’t done that much of since I’d taken over. Chris Klein’s ball to Clint Dempsey, however, gave his fellow midfielder the opportunity to score early, an opportunity which he gladly took. Our lead was doubled soon after, Dempsey turning provider with a perfect cross that Reyna clipped past José Torres in the Panama goal.

The inclusion of Twellman, who had been in free scoring form for whichever franchise it was that he plied his trade (I can be woefully forgetful at times), was made to look an inspired choice when he headed Dempsey’s cross in for our third, and I was looking like a complete genius four minutes later when the same combination gave the debutant his second goal of the match.

When had a fifth before the break, Donovan swinging in a corner for Reyna to nod home his second, and three minutes after the break we were six to the good, Klein passing into the box for Dempsey to drill a shot into the net. The scoring was completed seven minutes into the second half when, fittingly, we scored our seventh goal. Klein completed his hat-trick of assists, cutting a ball back from the by-line for Liverpool defender Zak Whitbread to smack into the bottom corner of the net.

Fickle as football fans are, the fans were in full support of my reign after managing to batter a truly awful Panama side, though perhaps they were happier about the fact that Canada’s 3-1 win over Jamaica meant we had qualified for the 3rd phase of qualification, not only that but as group winners as well. The phrase ‘ya dancer’ came quickly to mind, but was dismissed just as fast when I realised I wasn’t, in fact, a chav.

Final Score: U.S.A. 7 – 0 Panama

(Dempsey 3â€, 48â€; Reyna 9â€, 35â€; Twellman 18â€, 22â€; Whitbread 52â€)

MoM: Dempsey (10)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Russell, Mastroeni, Whitbread, Vanney; Donovan, Klein, Clark, Reyna, Dempsey; Twellman

Subs: Grabavoy for Reyna (53) Ching for Twellman (53) Dunivant for Dempsey (79)

[Terk]

Now, never would I be one to criticise a referee. They have a tough job made ver more difficult by players who show them little respect and try to influence them without a moment’s hesitation. But James Bell’s a git. He had refereed us twice before we faced Canada, both against Jamaica, and on both occasions had felt it necessary to remove a player from the proceedings. This time around, however, he seemed to have it in mind to do everything he could to guarantee a home win.

Having taken the lead through Landon Donovan, and then lost it thanks to Oliver Occean, we fell foul of Mr Bell’s first ridiculous decision, awarding a penalty when Tomasz Radzinski decided that standing up required to much effort, and flopped to the floor with no American within a foot of him. Michäel Klukowski gave us a reprieve by ballooning his penalty attempt into the stands, and seven minutes later, Taylor Twellman showed how thankful we were by driving a shot past Pat Onstad to put us back in front.

We were still ahead come the start of the second half, but six minutes in, Mr Bell thought it best to show a straight red card to Dema Kovalenko for his disagreement with a refereeing decision, despite having shown only yellow cards to the three Canadians who comitted the same offence in the first period. That, obviously, wasn’t enough though, and Zak Whitbread’s second innocuous challenge on Radzinski brought about his second unjustified yellow card, and the inevitable red that followed.

Things can get a little difficult when trying to defend a lead with only nine men on the field, and so they did. Felix Brilliant levelled the scores with twenty minutes remaining, and Rob Friend (apparantly a nice bloke) then pludered a late hat-trick to send us crashing to defeat. Needless to say, my yokel faithful entirely blamed me for the defeat, and discussions centred on whether to send me for a humane lethal injection, or simply render a hole through my being with a Mossberg Pump.

Final Score: Canada 5 – 2 U.S.A.

(Donovan 20â€; Occean 24â€; Klukowski m/pen 32â€; Twellman 39â€; Kovalenko s/off 51â€; Whitbread s/off 66â€; Brilliant 70â€; Friend 73â€, 81â€, 87â€)

MoM: Rob Friend (10)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Russell, Mastroeni, Whitbread, Dunivant; Donovan, Grabavoy, Kovalenko, Dempsey, Alvarez; Twellman

Subs: Clark for Twellman (51) Adu for Alvarez (51) Hejduk for Dempsey (66)

[Terk]

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">| Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 1st | Q | U.S.A. | | 6 | 4 | 1 | 1 | 19 | 6 | +13 | 13 |

| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 2nd | Q | Canada | | 6 | 4 | 0 | 2 | 16 | 12 | +4 | 12 |

| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 3rd | | Jamaica | | 6 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 8 | 7 | +1 | 10 |

| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 4th | | Panama | | 6 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 2 | 20 | -18 | 0 |

| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

[YDB]

Nice story, I liked the "James Bell's a git" comment to lol.

Keep it up and good luck. A good read.

[Terk]

thanks, YDB

---------------------------

The draw for the group stage of the Gold Cup put us with Canda and the Bahamas, and considering that the top two qualified for the quarter final, we were confident that we could get there. With my squad having to be trimmed to twenty-two, however, I chose to put my confidence back on its shelf and pick few surprises, indeed there were no uncapped players who made it into the final ‘roster’.

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre"> | Pkd | Inf | Name | Club | Caps | Goals | U21 | U21 Gls |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Inj | Brad Friedel | Blackburn | 85 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Wnt | Tim Howard | Man Utd | 10 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Nick Rimando | DC United | 5 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Pablo Mastroeni | Boca | 19 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Oguchialu Chilioke Onyewu | Standard | 2 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Eddie Pope | MetroStars | 58 | 5 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Sus | Zak Whitbread | Liverpool | 6 | 2 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Inj | Robbie Russell | Rosenborg | 5 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Todd Dunivant | San Jose | 6 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Greg Vanney | Bastia | 22 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Ricardo Clark | MetroStars | 3 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Sus | Dema Kovalenko | Colorado | 4 | - | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Ned Grabavoy | Los Angeles | 6 | 1 | 2 | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Claudio Reyna | Man City | 109 | 11 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | DaMarcus Beasley | PSV | 39 | 11 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Clint Dempsey | New England | 4 | 2 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Ramon Nunez | FC Dallas | 1 | - | 1 | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Chris Klein | Kansas City | 13 | 3 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Arturo Alvarez | San Jose | 2 | - | 4 | 1 |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Landon Donovan | Los Angeles | 35 | 11 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | Inj | Brian Ching | San Jose | 3 | 1 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| - | | Taylor Twellman | New England | 4 | 3 | - | - |

| ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|</pre>

[Terk]

Our opening game saw us face Canada in Kasas, the referee was once again James Bell, and once again there were fewer than twenty-two bodies on the field when the game ended. Luckily for us though, the only recipient of Bell’s overused red card this time around was Tomasz Radzinski, a straight sending off for a slight clip of Ned Grabavoy’s heels.

By that point, nineteen minutes from the end of the match, we were a goal down. For the second time. Michaël Klukowski, who had missed a penalty against us in Edmonton, was this time far more accurate from the twelve yard mark, drilling his effort past Tim Howard after ageing DC United defender Eddie Pope had thought it best to defend Felix Brilliant’s cross with his right hand.

Tim Howard had been selected for the game despite being third choice during most of my time in charge. With Nick Rimando having been relegated to a watching role as Rob Friend struck the decisive hat-trick in Edmonton, and Brad Friedel still in the late stages of recovering from injury, the Man Utd ‘keeper was given a chance to shine. The only problem with that was that he didn’t.

Grabavoy had pulled us level before the half hour mark, DaMarcus Beasley swinging in a cross which Grabavoy headed past Pat Onstad, but there was plenty time left for Howard to screw things up for us. His moment came two minutes after the break, Radzinski punted in a harmless cross from the right, the sort that even the most cross-allergic ‘keeper in the land would have dealt easily with, but Howard managed to misjudge its flight completely and leave Jim Brennan with a tap in from ten yards (though despite the open goal he nearly buggered up, pinging the ball off the post before it trickled over the line).

Radzinski’s red card gave us hope, against ten men surely we could mount an offensive that would, at least, bring us a draw, but instead the boys merely rode out the time until they could head off the pitch and get their after match hot dogs. I was not impressed.

Final Score: U.S.A. 1 – 2 Canada

(Klukowski pen 14â€; Grabavoy 26â€; Brennan 47â€; Radzinski s/off 71â€)

MoM: Pat Onstad (8)

U.S.A.: Howard; Onyewu, Pope, Mastroeni, Vanney; Donovan, Grabavoy, Clark, Dempsey, Beasley; Twellman

Subs: Reyna for Mastroeni (51) Klein for Dempsey (51) Alvarez for Grabavoy (72)

[flipsix3]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Final Score: U.S.A. 1 – 2 Canada </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oooooh, Terk out?!?!

[Terk]

the critics are so harsh

===============================

Defeat to Canda meant that we simply had to beat the Bahamas if we wanted a place in the quarter finals. With both Ching and Twellman having picked up knocks in preparation for the game, Arturo Alvarez, who usually plyed his trade on the left flank, was called upon to lead the line.

Again the American public had been calling for a huge win, you’d have thought after two consecutive defeats to their northerly neighbours, they’d have been satisfied with three points, no matter how they came about. But no, nothing less than comprehensive victory would do, apparantly.

I had begun to worry when the fifteenth minute arrived and we hadn’t managed a shot at goal, nor had we looked like creating anything even resembling a clear cut chance. We looked the very definition of toothless in attack.

My worry was misplaced, however, as with nineteen minutes on the clock, Alvarez decided it was time to put the doubters to sleep, and unleashed a rocket of a shot from thirty yards out which flew past Jon Hendley in the Bahamas goal before he could even move.

I was distincly calmed by Arturo’s wonder goal, and even more so by the fact that we found a way into their net another twice before the half time whistle. Alvarez was again involved heavily, taking Beasley’s through ball and slamming a shot goalward, only to see it parried by Hendley. Thankfully, the first to react to the loose ball was Ramon Nunez and he tucked a simple shot into the net to double our lead. A minute into injury time at the end of the half, Nunez doubled his own tally, heading home an excellent Clint Dempsey cross to effectively seal the points and more than likely our place in the next round.

Any chance that the Bahamas had of a comeback was washed out of the door on sixty-three minutes when Bret Harley was sent off for a second bookable offence, and we completed the scoring for the day when Dempsey found Alvarez in space, and he guided a shot easily past Hendley for our fourth.

I wondered whether four would be enough for the baying masses, I had somehow convinced myself that they’d need seven or eight to satisfy their bloodlust, but it turned out that the margain of victory, no matter how unconvincing our performance had been in patches, was more than enough to once again make me flavour of the month in US ‘soccer’ circles.

Final Score: U.S.A. 4 – 0 Bahamas

(Alvarez 19â€, 76â€; Nunez 41â€, 45+1â€; Harley s/off 63â€)

MoM: Nunez (9)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Onyewu, Mastroeni, Whitbread, Dunivant; Klein, Nunez, Kovalenko, Dempsey, Beasley; Alvarez

Subs: Reyna for Kovalenko (61)

Our place in the next round was not guaranteed, however, until Canada struggled to a 1-0 victory of the Bahamas in Kansas, thanks to a 77th minute Jason De Vos goal. And then when the draw for the quarter finals was made, I had to laugh heartily. Reward for our defeat against Canada, and subsequent second place finish in the group, was a far easier tie than the Canucks faced.

Gold Cup - Quarter Final Draw:

Costa Rica vs Canada

U.S.A. vs Anguilla

Mexico vs Belize

Brazil vs El Salvador

[Terk]

Even I expected a big win against Anguilla. Let’s face it, I couldn’t even understand how they’d got to this stage; the idea that they could find their way past us into the semi finals was, quite frankly, ludicrous. In a pre-match interview, Eddie Pope tried to play down the sense of expectation, saying that the team needed to focus and not take the result for granted, but in all honesty, the players were just as overly confident as I.

With the opening ten minutes having passed and no goal having been forthcoming, my nerves were beginning to shred (I’ve always been a naturally pessimistic guy) but I was soon put at ease when Twellman swept home Beasley’s cross from close range.

Twellman’s goal had come in the eleventh minute, and we had to wait the same length of time for our second goal to appear. Anguilla had made a rare foray upfield, so rare indeed that only Eddie Pope had remained in our half, though thankfully had managed to put a stop to their attack all on his lonesome. He immediately got the ball out right, and Onyewu swung a deep cross into the box for Zak Whitbread to head past Steve Reynolds.

Six minutes before the break we bagged our third, and for all the world to see, the game was well over as a contest. Landon Donovan had broken free down the right flank, fed by an excellent pass from Ricardo Clark. The winger beat his opposiing full back and crossed to the penalty spot, where Reyna was wating to fire a volley into the top corner of the net.

From the re-start, we quickly won the ball back, Reyna putting in a superb tackle to disposses, and then regaining his composure to set Dempsey away on a run. The creative midfielder checked his options, and found Donovan’s run into the box, leaving the winger with a simple finish past the stranded goalkeeper.

We put in a lot less effort in the second half, the quarter finals were mid-week and we had no intentions of exhausting ourselves chasing further punishment of a team we had already well beaten. One more goal did come in the natural course of things, Eddie Pope connecting with an Onyewu long throw and putting the ball past Reynolds.

Final Score: U.S.A. 5 – 0 Anguilla

(Twellman 11â€; Whitbread 22â€; Reyna 39â€; Donovan 40â€; Pope 60â€)

MoM: Beasley (9)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Onyewu, Pope, Whitbread, Vanney; Donovan, Reyna, Clark, Dempsey, Beasley; Twellman

Subs: Klein for Donovan (62) Nunez for Dempsey (62) Alvarez for Twellman (62)

Quarter Final Results:

Brazil 4 – 0 El Salvador

Costa Rica 2 – 1 Canada

Mexico 2 – 0 Belize

U.S.A. 5 – 0 Anguilla

Semi Final Draw:

Brazil vs Mexico

Costa Rica vs U.S.A.

Our semi final opponents would be Costa Rica, after they put Canada to the sword with a late double from Ronald Gomez to overturn the lead that Radzinski had given the Canadians.

[Terk]

The news that James Bell would be refereeing our semi final was hardly warmly welcomed. I’d already lost count of the number of cards he had shown in games involving us, and this encounter proved to be no different.

The game was tied at 0-0 in the 28th minute when a seemingly innocuous challenge, one that maybe warranted a free kick, was met by a red card for Costa Rican Rodrigo Cordero. Less than a minute later, however, he seemed to realise his mistake and sent off Dema Kovalenko for two quick yellow cards in order to even up the numbers.

As we struggled to settle down after Dema’s red card, Costa Rica took advantage of their more stable nature, Rolando Fonseca pouncing on a mistake by Eddie Pope to drive a shot past Brad Friedel and into the net.

The half time break came with no change to the game situation, but less than sixty seconds after the restart, we found ourselves level. DaMarcus Beasley found himself with the ball from the kick-off and proceeded to make a surging run from in his own half, weaving in and out of the Costa Rican defenders before slamming a shot past goalkeeper Luís Martínez from twelve yards.

Extra time looked to be looming large, but four minutes from time we were caught asleep again, this time Ronald Gomez the beneficiary of our sloppy defending as he sent a cheeky chip over Friedel and into the net to book their place in the final. There was a final twist in the tale, Bell deciding that his red card had resided in his pocket for too long and sending Gilberto Martínez off as the game passed into injury time. It did nothing for us, however, and we were battered down into the 3rd/4th place play-off.

Final Score: Costa Rica 2 – 1 U.S.A.

(Cordero s/off 28â€; Kovalenko s/off 29â€; Fonseca 36â€; Beasley 46â€; Gomez 86â€; Martínez s/off 90)

MoM: Jonathan Rodriguez (8)

U.S.A.: Friedel; Onyewu, Pope, Whitbread, Dunivant; Donovan, Klein, Kovalenko, Dempsey, Beasley; Twellman

Subs: Mastroeni for Dempsey (36) Nunez for Klein (45) Ching for Twellman (68)

Semi Final Results:

Brazil 2 – 0 Mexico

Costa Rica 2 – 1 U.S.A.

[Loeffle]

Over and out?

[Terk]

Well, seeing as this is up for best international story (quite to my surprise) i suppose i had better get on with it

----------------------------------------------

I had been desperately hoping for a final appearance against the might of Brazil, instead we had to settle for the meaningless boredom of a 3rd/4th place play-off against Mexico. James Bell again took the refereeing duties, and managed to find two payers to send off during the ninety minutes; I think that man truly has a fetish involving his own red card.

The first player to be sent from the field was Claudio Reyna. Having received a yellow card for a perfectly good challenge, the midfielder took umbrage at Bell’s card happy nature and talked himself into a second quickly thereafter. To be fair to all though, it had barely a noticeable effect on the game, which was thoroughly dull before and thoroughly dull afterward.

Mexico seemed entirely disinterested in making the most of their numerical advantage; they indeed seemed entirely disinterested in playing the game at all, to be honest. Eight minutes into the second half they had a player of their own dismissed, Jesus Arellano falling foul of Bell’s itchy finger, again through two unwarranted yellow cards.

The ninetieth minute came and went with no score on the board, as did the hundred and twentieth. I hadn’t thought it possible that anything could be duller than normal time, but the extra half hour managed it in style, the ball barely leaving the centre circle throughout. Luis Ernesto Perez was bewilderingly given the man of the match award, and a rating of 10/10; I had thought there wasn’t a single body on the pitch worth more than a 6.

The penalty shoot out offered less excitement than usual as well, the first eight spot kicks being netted with ease. Greg Vanney stepped up to take our fifth attempt and sent it ripping beyond Oswaldo Sánchez in the Mexico goal. It meant that Davino had to score to prevent us from achieving the heady heights of a third place finish, but Nick Rimando tipped his effort onto the post and we had our wonderful victory.

Final Score: U.S.A. 0 – 0 Mexico (after extra time) (U.S.A. won 5-4 on penalties)

(Reyna s/off 28â€; Arellano s/off 53â€)

MoM: Luis Ernesto Perez (10)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Onyewu, Pope, Whitbread, Vanney; Klein, Reyna, Mastroeni, Dempsey, Alvarez; Ching

Subs: Nunez for Dempsey (71) Donovan for Klein (71) Beasley for Alvarez (71)

Final: Costa Rica 0 – 2 Brazil

[Okkas]

keep it up terk

[Terk]

I'll try, okkas

--------------------------------

My, my, aren’t Americans an arrogant people? More so, possibly, than both Australia and England combined. Their utter belief in their absolute right to win any sporting contest they enter continued to astound me, such was the public dismay at the ‘embarrassment’ of finishing third in the Gold Cup.

Our next match was a World Cup qualifier against Mexico, played at the Estadio Azteca. With Greg Vanney missing through injury – a hip problem would keep him out for four months – and Onyewu, Reyna, Dempsey and Beasley all suspended, I was struggling to see how things could go in our favour. I was even more panicked when the chairman of the football association walked into my office and threatened that, should we fail to return with a win, he would schedule a meeting for my forehead and the business end of a baseball bat and then, almost as if to emphasise his point, spat tobacco at my feet.

Twenty minutes into the game though, it looked as if I needn’t have worried. We had escaped the clutches of James Bell’s refereeing, and all twenty-two players remained on the field for the duration. We had gone in front through Twellman with not even sixty seconds registered on the clock, and had followed that up with a stunning strike from Landon Donovan to leave the home team stunned.

Arrogance can be costly though, and within sixty seconds, Bofo Bautista had pulled Mexico back into the game. We, apparently, forgot how to defend from that point, and Bautista had levelled the scores just before half time.

During the break I stated to the lads just how important it was to keep their cool, and make sure that they made no mistakes. All that went out of the window within a minute of the second period starting, Eddie Pope going missing as Juan Palencia strolled through our defence to give his nation the lead.

Just after the hour mark the game was settled, Antonio de Nigris firing home from long distance past a static Nick Rimando, and our ‘keeper was once again found wanting when Gerardo Torrado volleyed a limp shot towards him, that he somehow let slip into the net. All in all, I strongly considered taking refuge in Mexico, but in the end bit the bullet, and took my baseball style beating like a man.

Final Score: Mexico 5 – 2 U.S.A.

(Twellman 1â€; Donovan 19â€; Bautista 20â€, 45+2â€; Palencia 46â€; de Nigris 62â€; Torrado 82â€)

MoM: Luis Ernesto Perez (10)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Russell, Pope, Whitbread, Dunivant; Donovan, Klein, Kovalenko, Nunez, Alvarez; Twellman

Subs: Grabavoy for Nunez (55) Karbassiyoon for Alvarez (55) Ching for Twellman (55)

[Terk]

With the heavy defeat against Mexico still weighing heavy on the nation’s collective mind, we made the trip north to Edmonton to face Canada a month later. Defeat to our northern neighbours would be unthinkable, especially considering that I had recently been told by the national association that they were less than happy with the progress we were making.

Zak Whitbread and Dema Kovalenko were missing from the squad with minor injuries, not that either of them had been playing particularly well in the past few games. It’s extremely doubtful that either would have done anything to stop Tomasz Radzinski waltz through our defence and striking a fierce shot past Nick Rimando in just the third minute.

The fifty-odd thousand Canucks in the Commonwealth Stadium were going crazy at the thought of beating us again, and their frenzied happiness knew no bounds when Julian De Guzman rifled home a shot from thirty yards before the half time break.

I honestly couldn’t think of anything to tell the boys during the interval; how do you cheer up a bunch of guys who know with true conviction that they are about to lose to a big rival? I certainly had no clue, and perhaps that’s part of the reason why they looked so dreadfully lacklustre as they went back out onto the pitch for the second half.

Within seven minutes of the restart, defeat was all but confirmed when Pablo Mastroeni felled Rob Friend in the penalty area, and Michël Klukowski slotted the resultant penalty past the despairing arm of Rimando.

Canada were truly dominating the game. Not even a triple substitution after we went three down could pump any life into our deathly still body. Every pass we made went awry, every tackle we tried was useless. Never had I seen an American sporting side perform so woefully badly. Well, maybe their rugby team were a bit worse.

We gained a slight scratch of respectability in the final ten minutes when we finally conjured a chance on goal, Ante Razov curling a shot towards the top corner, only to see it tipped wide by the flying Pat Onstad. Not a minute later though, we did manage to get on the scoresheet, Arturo Alvarez playing a perfectly weighted ball between the Canadian centre backs and Razov timing his run excellently to meet it with a strong left foot and leave Onstad to retrieve it from the back of his net.

It was little consolation, if any at all, but it made me feel that little bit better about matters. With an almost guaranteed win coming up over Surinam three days later, we sat in sixth place in the table, already looking up a steep hill towards qualification.

Final Score: Canada 3 – 1 U.S.A.

(Radzinski 3â€; De Guzman 36â€; Klukowski pen 52â€; Razov 83â€)

MoM: Rob Friend (8)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Russell, Pope, Mastroeni, Dunivant; Donovan, Reyna, Zavagin, Alvarez, Beasley; Twellman

Subs: Grabavoy for Zavagnin (53) Klein for Donovan (53) Razov for Twellman (53)

[BobBev]

Are you losing all these games deliberately to compensate for your success with Forest???

[axeman]

I have the feeling that he's about to experiment with the "being on the sacking end of coaching"

I don't think he'll last long with them yanks

[attjen]

Ouch. I since end of the line.

[attjen]

(sense )

[Terk]

that's a good reason, Bob. Yeah, I claim it's all deliberate. It is. Honest Cheers, axeman and attjen, hopefully the noose isn't being readied for me just yet

------------------------------------------

The public and the press were once again calling for a huge scoreline when we entertained Surinam, and this time I was taking their threats of vengeance should sufficient goals not be scored a little more seriously; certainly the mini electric chair sent to my office got my attention.

Perhaps my desperation for a result got to the players and inspired them, or perhaps Surinam truly are that awful; whatever the reason, come the full time whistle there were distinctly fewer beads of sweat on my forehead than there had been after the last two games, and I made far fewer furtive glances around the crowd looking for any evidence of a gun barrel.

A few of the older guard had been brought back into the starting line up for the game against our no hope opposition; the young lads had finally tested my patience too far with their ineptitude. Ante Razov got us off to a fantastic start with goals in the eighth and eleventh minutes, Landon Donovan and Pablo Mastroeni doing the hard work to lay on the chances for the respective goals.

By half time we’d plundered a third, Beasley putting a superb cross into the box for Claudio Reyna to firmly head home, and Surinam had been reduced to ten men (though for once the referee wasn’t James Bell) when Adri Boulahrouz was sent off for a foul on Razov when the striker was clean through on goal.

On the hour mark, Razov completed his hat-trick, his fourth goal in just two games, when he pounced on a loose ball ten yards from goal, taking only a single touch before lashing his shot past Daan Spelbas in the Surinam goal.

Reyna was enjoying one of his finer games since I had taken over, and got on the end of another cross, this time from Klein, to score his second goal of the day with fifteen minutes left, and our scoring was rounded off when Klein knocked a Mastroeni free kick into the path of Eddie Pope, and the veteran defender stabbed a shot past Spelbas.

To say I was a relieved man would have been an understatement; I clearly owed Ante Razov more than a few pints. The win put us up to fourth in the table, just a place off the play-off position and with a game against the none-too-great Honduras next on our qualification calendar.

Final Score: U.S.A. 6 – 0 Surinam

(Razov 8â€, 11â€, 60â€; Reyna 33â€, 75â€; Boulahrouz s/off 41; Pope 80â€)

MoM: Razov (10)

U.S.A.: Friedel; Cherundolo, Pope, Agoos, Dunivant; Donovan, Reyna, Mastroeni, Klein, Beasley; Razov

Subs: none

[uskopite]

good gawd - getting punted twice on the bounce against Canadia! It's red arse time!! And don't think a 6 - 0 drubbing of Surinam is going to spare you any blushes. Head coaches stateside put food on the table by treading water with the Mexican's and keeping the Canadian's under.

so . . . who is this Dunivant character and why the hell is Nick Rimando 1st choice keeper - did I miss an injury there for any one of 3 other keepers that easily keep him out of the side (Keller, Howard, Friedel <--- although he is supposedly retired.)

That's it Terk! You get bounced, and I'm putting in my application for the job!

[Terk]

to say I've been disappointed by results would be an understatement I've been expecting the sack every time I hit continue

Rimando is 1st choice for personal vendetta reasons. I don't like Friedel because he was **** at Liverpool (despite quite obviously being a good 'keeper, and as I'm totally narrow minded, I blame him completely ) I couldn't pick Howard because he plays for Man Utd, and Keller is just ****

Todd Dunivant is a left back for LA Galaxy. I'm assuming he's far better in FM than in reality.

-------------------------

My selection policy baffled even me for our game against Honduras. Having brought back in some of the elder statesmen of the country’s game, and having won convincingly, even though only against Surinam, I decided to fling the young guns back into the side to see if they could be equally good in disposing of Honduras and keep me in the job for another game at least.

The signs were less than good when James Bell arrived at the ground for his refereeing duties, the hitman I had hired to take him out before he got to the Rose Bowl had, quite obviously, failed in his duties. And Bell didn’t look like he was about to forgive and forget as he awarded a penalty to Honduras inside four minutes, though to be honest, Zak Whitbread’s handball was pretty obvious.

Thankfully, Junior Izaguirre missed the spot kick, Rimando fooled into diving to his right, but spared as he watched the ball inch wide of the left post. Bell then seemed to take it upon himself to show that he was merely crap and not biased, as he ridiculously sent off Gerson Baca for two bookable offences in the 25th minute, and awarded us a penalty seven minutes later when even our most ardent supporters were left scratching their head as to where the foul only he had seen had actually taken place.

That was never going to worry us though, and Leeds United left winger, Eddie Lewis rifled the penalty kick past Noel Valladares for a totally undeserved lead. With a man extra on the field, we still made heavy whether of creating any sort of opening, and come the half time whistle we remained just the one goal in front.

Landon Donovan, probably the most talented player in our squad, and who had recently agreed a deal to join Newcastle when the transfer window re-opened, was clearly angered at the ineptitude of his teammates. During the second half, the diminutive winger took it upon himself to create opportunities for anyone who could make their way into the Honduras penalty area, and thankfully we managed to take two of them before the final whistle was blown.

First to benefit from Landon’s good work was Ned Grabavoy. The young midfielder had come on just past the hour mark for Claudio Reyna, who was playing with none of the verve that he had shown against Surinam. Donovan’s dancing on the right won him the space to deliver a superb cross, and Grabavoy was waiting to stab it past Valladares with a well-timed toe poke.

The clinching goal didn’t come until injury time was almost upon us, and to be honest the visitors had crafted more than a few opportunities of their own to wrest themselves back into the game. But for once, Nick Rimando was playing well in goal, and when Donovan’s cross was met by Klein’s sweet volley in the ninetieth minute, the points were finally sealed in our favour and we kept our momentum up the table, moving into third place and a play-off position.

Final Score: U.S.A. 3 – 0 Honduras

(Izaguirre m/pen 4â€; Baca s/off 25â€; Lewis pen 32â€; Grabavoy 68â€; Klein 90â€)

MoM: Landon Donovan (9)

U.S.A.: Rimando; Russell, Onyewu, Whitbread, Karbassiyoon; Donovan, Reyna, Armas, Klein, Lewis; Razov

Subs: Mastroeni for Whitbread (62) Grabavoy for Reyna (62)

[Terk]

I’m sure by now you have all come to realise my true hatred for a referee who goes by the name of James Bell. Everything he had done as a referee irritated me, his devoted love for his red card was perhaps the worst of his traits, but nothing he had done even came close to our match against Costa Rica at the Rose Bowl.

For seventy minutes this was merely a normal James Bell refereed game. One side were reduced to ten men in the early going and the rest were walking on eggshells for fear that they’d be next if they so much as sneezed. The man to be given his marching orders was our own Ante Razov. Without so much as a foul to his name, Razov had a few heated words with Bell in the ninth minute and was sent directly from the field.

That didn’t bother us too much though, we’d been expecting that one of us would be removed from the pitch before the first half hour was out, and much of the previous few days training had been taken up with 10 vs 11 to make sure we were prepared for the situation.

And indeed we flourished in it. Costa Rica looked nothing like the side who had beaten us in the Gold Cup semi final, and we had at least four clear chances before we finally took the lead in the 36th minute. Landon Donovan was proving a menace to the Costa Rican defence, and it was he who stole the ball off a sleeping Jonathan Rodriguez and fired the ball past Luis Martínez to give us the lead.

That was how it stayed until the seventieth minute. Of course, Bell had handed out his requisite flourish of yellow cards in the mean time, seemingly for as little as having the temerity to touch a fellow player, and they had a big part to play in the following seventeen minutes.

With twenty minutes of the game left, and innocuous clash between Todd Dunivant and Harold Villalobos saw both shown their second yellow card of the day and ordered from the field. If that wasn’t bad enough, debutant striker Jamil Walker jumped out of the way of a challenge from Rolando Fonseca, but Mr Bell thought it still worthy of a yellow card, and as it was Fonseca’s second, the numbers were levelled at nine apiece.

Everyone on the sidelines was left bemused, and were even more so come the eighty seventh minute when Bell found that his red card had resided in his pocket for too long, and chose Gilberto Martínez as his next victim. There were now only seventeen players left on the field, our nine to their eight, and we went on to seal the victory with goals in injury time from Jamil Walker and Claudio Reyna, both set up by crosses from Arturo Alvarez.

I was, quite simply, stunned. Yes, we had got the three points, yes that lifted us into second place and truly re-ignited our hopes of going to Germany, and yes, the win even lifted us up to 6th in the world rankings, but we had quite possibly just seen the worst refereeing performance ever witnessed by man or beast in the history of the game. It truly was something to behold.

Final Score: U.S.A. 3 – 0 Costa Rica

(Razov s/off 9â€; Donovan 36â€; Dunivant s/off 70â€; Villalobos s/off 70â€; Fonseca s/off 76â€; G. Martínez s/off 87â€; Walker 90+1â€; Reyna 90+5â€)

MoM: Arturo Alvarez (8)

U.S.A.: Friedel; Cherundolo, Pope, Bocanegra, Dunivant; Donovan, Grabavoy, Mastroeni, Dempsey, Beasley; Razov

Subs: Alvarez for Beasley (65) Reyna for Grabavoy (65) Walker for Donovan (68)

[axeman]

This sort of refereeing performance is the reason why I want that "Criticise The Referee" feature back in the game. How are they AI refs going to to find out how we feel about them if we can't moan a bit?

Still amazed to see you holding the job still. KUTGW

[Terk]

cheers, axeman I'm amazed that one referee can be so stupendously bad in the game, and I definitely want the criticise the referee feature back

-------------------------------

Canada were sitting pretty atop the qualification group with five games remaining, but so unused to winning are Canucks, that everybody knew it couldn’t last. Having been beaten by our enemy from the frozen northern wastelands on the last three occasions we had met though, I was far from confident that we would be the one to dethrone them when they came to L.A..

During the week before the game, the repeated attempts on my life had made me take to wearing the bullet-proof vest again; my mission to not get shot in L.A. was looking an ever less realistic goal, especially when a Glock was held to the back of my head as I sat in a McDonalds (admittedly I deserved it just for entering a McDonalds) but apparantly that’s par for the course around these parts, certainly nobody else seemed unduly worried about it.

My plight was the talk of chatshows across the country (at least I could say that I had finally got Americans talking about ‘soccer’) and the country’s lawmakers even discussed my forced removal and deportation back to ‘whatever sh*tty part of the world you came from, boyâ€. In the end, of course, they decided that it would be far more fun to let the lynch mob get me when it was needed, left more time for them to find another country to bomb.

Despite having won the past three games since we last faced the Canadians, I felt it necessary to change to formation that the players were thoroughly used to. Our 4-5-1 morphed into a 3-5-2, maybe I figured it would make me look like I had the slightest clue what I was doing; not that I expected for the first minute that the fans would have any clue of such nuance, they were far too busy drowning themselves in cheap beer.

We started well enough in the game, certainly the Canadian attackers were seeing less of the ball than when we lasthad met. And we even managed to grab the lead inside fifteen minutes, DaMarcus Beasley was looking in fine form down the left flank, and it was his cross deep to the back post that Landon Donovan steered past Pat Onstad in the Canada goal.

I’d like to have been able to say that we pressed on from there, took the game to the Canadians and walked away with a four or five goal victory, but you wouldn’t believe me even if it had been true. The visitors came back at us strong, and I remembered all too well when we took the lead in Edmonton only for them damn Canucks to go on and win 5-2 to have any sense of security until we led by at least a double figure scoreline.

As it was, the best efforts of our opponents went largely unrewarded, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Brad Friedel, who had kept his place ahead of Nick Rimando after the Costa Rica debacle. The Blackburn goalkeeper was on his finest form, culminating in a quite wonderful double save on the hour mark when first Radzinski and then Jim Brennan had fired in shots from point blank range.

And, much to my even greater surprise, we actually went on to score a second, and then hold on – without conceding – to claim all three points. The clinching goal came with ten minutes of the match left, Beasley again causing problems down the flank, again crossing deep towards the back post, and again seeing it converted via a slick half volley. This time the finisher was substitute striker Jamil Walker, building on the debut goal that he had netted in the win over Costa Rica two months earlier.

My amazement at winning was equalled only by the fact that it now meant we sat on the top of the qualification group. Suddenly people realised we were winning something again, and I was toast of the town. My tactical awareness was lauded on sports shows across the country, and I was hailed as clearly the right man to take the nation forward. Now if I could just get one over on them dirty Mexicans, I’d be in the running to be considered a true American hero.

Final Score: U.S.A. 2 – 0 Canada

(Donovan 12â€; Walker 80â€)

MoM: Pablo Mastroeni (8)

U.S.A.: Friedel; Cherundolo, Bocanegra, Vanney; Donovan, Kovalenko, Reyna, Mastroeni, Beasley; Wolff, Kirovski

Subs: Grabavoy for Reyna (58) Walker for Kirovski (58) Quaranta for Beasley (86)

[Amaroq]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">much of the previous few days training had been taken up with 10 vs 11 to make sure we were prepared for the situation. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Brilliant! And surely the right tactic.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Now if I could just get one over on them dirty Mexicans </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now you're talking. I was worried, what with your apparent perception that Canada are your main rivals, that you weren't long for the job. No, the side every American footie fan wants to beat is Mexico!

[Terk]

cheers, amaroq I got a little concerned with Canada 'cos they kept on beating us. I guess I expected to lose to Mexico so I wasn't so bothered when it happened

--------------------------------------

The month of September was going to be a crucial one for me. The sombrero sporting Mexican side would arrive in a few days, but before that, we had to dispose of Surinam in Paramaribo. We had taken them apart in a six goal fun fest when they had visited L.A., and my demanding public were of the opinion that nothing less again would be satisfactory.

Despite winning with the 3-5-2 against the Canadians, it was back to the trusted and often failing 4-5-1 for the trip to Surinam. More surprising to many of my ‘fans’ was the inclusion in the side of youngster Freddy Adu, who had not featured in my squad since the 5-2 Canadian spanking, but who had been performing ever better in his domestic game. With the quality of the opposition so poor, Adu was given the nod to start, it was just a shame for me that he decided to prove himself worthless and not up to the job.

We did dominate the game, from first to last just as I had expected, but if we were anticipating a goal filled Saturday afternoon, we were very, very wrong. Daan Spelbos, who had become accustomed to plucking the ball from his own net in L.A., had obviously taken his superman pills before kick off, and damn near earned his side a point in the process.

We rained shots in on Spelbos’ goal throughout the ninety minutes, and time after time saw the Surinam ‘keeper palm them away with arrogant ease. The frustration was spilling over into other parts of our game as well, as passes began to go astray, tackles were mistimed and shots spanked well wide of their intended target.

Just as the home nation began to believe that they could hold on for the final five minutes though, an effort was unleashed which even the super human Spelbos couldn’t do anything about. Josh Wolff rolled the ball back to the edge of the penalty area, and PSV winger DaMarcus Beasley thumped it goalwards with every ounce of power he could muster. The ball nearly ripped through the back of the net before Spelbos had even moved, and we could at last relax in the knowledge that, even though we had not met the demands of the people, we had at least won ourselves the three points needed to stay top of the group.

Final Score: Surinam 0 – 1 U.S.A.

(Beasley 85â€)

MoM: Daan Spelbos (10)

U.S.A.: Friedel; Cherundolo, Pope, Bocanegra, Vanney; Beasley, Grabavoy, Mastroeni, Klein, Adu; Wolff

Subs: Whitbread for Bocanegra (63) Kovalenko for Mastroeni (68) Donovan for Adu (75)

[axeman]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Final Score: Surinam 1 – 0 U.S.A. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Good work

[Terk]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by axeman:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Final Score: Surinam 1 – 0 U.S.A. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Good work </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Cheers for pointing that out. I think I might have got sacked if that had been the actual score

[Terk]

The importance of Mexico’s visit to L.A. had not been lost on the soccer-ambivalent public, any excuse to beat them gringos was happily taken. They had also not forgotten that last time we faced them, we came away with some serious egg on our faces, having led before falling to a five goal spanking.

“Don’t make me hurt you, boy.†Had been the warning I got from the President of US Soccer, but it was the selection of weapons laid out of his desk which truly got my attention. I knew he’d most likely prefer the basball bat, but I wasn’t able to rule out the axe or chainsaw; I figured the Samurai sword was just for show.

Nearly eighty thousand blood-thirsty fans had turned up at the Rose Bowl, many had purchased one of the inflatible electric chairs on sale around the ground; signs proclaiming my sentence were prevelant around the stadium, and there was me thinking that a few previous wins had got them on my side.

I was breathing far easier than I had at any point the past week after four minutes of the game had passed. Carlos Bocanegra had done my survival attempts no harm whatsoever with a goal which caught the Mexican defence sleeping. Cherundolo had launched a Scud-like long throw into the penalty area and Bocanegra climbed highest to head past Oswaldo Sanchez.

If I thought that was ecstacy, I was sadly mistaken. A truly orgasmic moment arrived fifteen minutes later when, just as we had in Mexico City, we took a two goal lead before a quarter of the game had been played. Whilst the stadium sat in stunned silence, I paced the touchline after Jamil Walker had thundered in a shot from the edge of the penalty area having been sent clear by Eddie Pope. I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t sit still, I knew disaster was lurking around a nearby corner.

Fittingly, it was from a corner that disaster struck. With the clock ticking down the final seconds until half time, my sense of déjà vu shot through the roof of my head as Mexico pulled a goal back. Davino’s swinging corner was creamed goalward from the edge of the area by Juan Palencia and a palpable excitement rose up amongst the supporters.

I couldn’t muster any words during half time, the room sat in silence as we contemplated the serious nature of potential defeat. For the players it meant the possibility of not making the World Cup after they’d done so well at the previous one. My concern was all too much more immediate.

My disaster detector looked to be tuned to perfection when Mexico bagged an equaliser twenty minutes into the second half. This time Palencia was the provider, he chipped a ball over Pope’s head for Cuauhtemoc Blanco to race onto and fire past Brad Friedel. I felt like running as fast and as far from the stadium as I could, but my feet entirely failed me, making me watch as my world came crashing down around my ears.

The killer blow – and for once that term is used in its literal sense – came three minutes from the end when Vanney went to sleep and allowed Palencia a free run down the right flank. The diminutive midfielder swung in a wonderful cross, and after Friedel’s wild punch had missed it entirely, all Blanco had to do was calmly divert the ball into the empty net.

I knew what the referee’s final whistle meant. We had slipped off the top of the table, we had indeed slipped even below Canada and into third place. This, I was sure, would not be acceptable; nor would it be accepted.

Final Score: U.S.A. 2 – 3 Mexico

(Bocanegra 4â€; Walker 19â€; Palencia 45+1â€; Blanco 65â€, 87â€)

MoM: Juan Palencia (9)

U.S.A.: Friedel; Cherundolo, Pope, Bocanegra, Vanney; Donovan, Reyna, Mastroeni, Klein, Beasley; Walker

Subs: Dempsey for Klein (59) Alvarez for Beasley (76) Kirovski for Walker (76)

[Terk]

“Ah told you not to make me hurt you, boy. Lucky for you Ah’m not gunna. Ah got me here some probation for killin’ a sumbitch like you. Ah ain’t never goin’ back there. Mah butt’s still sore. Ah am gunna fire you though. Git your big fat butt outta mah office, don’t ever let me catch you ‘round these parts again.†As if to emphasise his point, he once more spat tobacco at my feet, I was just grateful that he’d passed his habit of spitting it in my face.

I was also grateful that I was getting away from his array of weapons upharmed. He had been lovingly holding his baseball bat all the way through the meeting, and he’d cast more than a few longing glances at his Samurai sword, but thankfully he seemed restrained.

I was less enthusiastic about my chances of getting to the airport, boarding a plane and getting the hell out of the country before being lynched though, and indeed a quick glance out of the window confirmed that there was a mob baying at the doors.

I summoned all my cowardice and made a dash for the back door. As I smashed my way through the plate glass without bothering to stop and open the door first – the shard that pierced my forehead smarted a bit – I came face to face with the barrel of a gold, grey gun. It seemed the President had superhuman speed, either that or I’d taken the long way round and he’d casually descended in the elevator and waited for me.

“I thought………..â€

“I lied.â€

You don’t really remember much about when searing hot lead smashes through your skull and renders you instantly lifeless. I guess it was a messy affair, certainly they’d have needed some new carpet inside the door, I doubt the red too-well complimented the beige. Neither did the itty-bitty pieces of skull, I presume. But that was the least of my worries. Not only had I failed in my target of leading the U.S. to World Cup glory, but I also failed in my goal of not getting shot in L.A..

The End

[attjen]

RIP.

Not saying you didn't serve it though.

[axeman]

What a grandiose finish to the story

A bloody well entertaining tale

[uskopite]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Terk:

The End </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

You're terrible you useless bast@rd!! So did the 80,000 fans you let down in L.A. get a chance to come by and punt your lifeless body around for just a ounce of retribution for the years that you set U.S. footy back?

Great story Terk - despite the less than stellar results. And congrats for another finished story. People are going to expect that from all of your creations. Can't let the fan's down!!

[Educated Hick]

Yeah a mob of 2 people

But, seriously, how the **** can you lose to the puckhead three times in a row? Good God Almighty!

Nice story Simon, liked the cliches.

[Terk]

Cheers, everybody Glad people enjoyed it.

I certainly enjoyed the playing and writing of this tale (so don't be surprised if I try to rectify my U.S. record in the very near future)

uskopite, the fans got to rip me limb from limb, so they were happy too abd what do you mean another finished story. other than short stories, isn't this actually the first one that I've seen to a finish?

And Bryan, I claim a massive conspiracy against me. It's the only way I can explain those defeats

[uskopite]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Terk:

uskopite, the fans got to rip me limb from limb, so they were happy too abd what do you mean another finished story. other than short stories, isn't this actually the first one that I've seen to a finish?

</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL

The irony of your statement is, can you really consider this anything other than a short story? In which case, your finished tale fits nicely into your pantheon of other finished tales.

Hail Terk - King of the shorty.

[Terk]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by uskopite:

The irony of your statement is, can you really consider this anything other than a short story? In which case, your finished tale fits nicely into your pantheon of other finished tales.

Hail Terk - King of the shorty. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Cheeky git Given my usual standards, this is an epic.

[uskopite]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Terk:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by uskopite:

The irony of your statement is, can you really consider this anything other than a short story? In which case, your finished tale fits nicely into your pantheon of other finished tales.

Hail Terk - King of the shorty. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Cheeky git Given my usual standards, this is an epic. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

ROFL

by the way - congrats on the FMS'er of the year. I didn't get to attend the awards - but I saw it was quite a show.

I'm still considering taking up gauntlet on this story. I am determined to be the Kromkamp to your Josemi!