Nybro IF - Nah, I havent heard of them either

[Apato13]

Well, here you are. It doesn't matter whether you are an avid FM fan looking for their fix of other player's success or misfortune, or you just so happened to stumble upon my posts whilst looking for the Dark Web, welcome all the same!

I will be taking a totally non-stereotypical Scotsman with a beaut of a moustache, named Jock McTavish, on a managerial journey through the lower leagues of football across Europe and beyond. Where will he end up? Who knows. Will it be interesting? I ****ing hope so. It's taken me ages.

 

[Apato13]

Chris Iwelumo

 

Chris Iwelumo. Chris ****ing Iwelumo.

I've grown up in an era of Scottish football that is epitomised by an event that happened on the 11th of October 2008. It's the World Cup Qualifiers and, after an embarrassing opening match defeat to Macedonia followed by a tense victory against Iceland, Scotland swan onto our sunny Hampden pitch with 3 points from 2 games.

Our opponents, Norway, are probably our biggest rivals for 2nd place. That's right. I said 2nd place. This is Scotland we are talking about and our aim is always to hit that jackpot of a Best-Placed Playoff position by reaching the dizzying heights of 2nd. So, as you can imagine, as a nation our bums are tightly clenched throughout the match.

The 11 tightly clenched bums playing for our country are also red raw due to the absolute spanking Norway give us in the opening half. Luckily, the score somehow manages to stay 0-0 and the Scottish players trundle into the changing room at half time for a Buckie or two (with George Burley at the helm this is probably historically accurate).

Burley, realising our team is struggling and off his tits on Tesco value red wine, makes the genius decision of not making a single change at the half. Our spanking, non-surprisingly, resumes. That is, until the introduction of debutant Chris Iwelumo. Performing well in the English Championship for Wolves at the time, many were excited at his introduction. Maybe this was the prolific striker we have been waiting for. Our questions were answered in the 65th minute. Wee Scott Broon brilliantly holds off 2 Norwegian defenders before playing a perfectly-weighted pass to release Gary Naysmith behind the defence on the left wing. The Edinburgh hero whips a teasing ball towards the back post. Everyone in the stadium holds their breath as it beats the Norwegian keeper and arrives at Chris Iwelumo's feet, 3 yards out from the open goal. This is it. Our route to 2nd place set in stone. Finally, our relentless yet technically inept footballing nation has a glimmer of hope to reach the World Cu....He's ****ing missed. HE. ****ING. MISSED. FROM 3 YARDS OUT WITH ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.

We will never know what could have happened if Iwelumo hadn't been utter ***** that day and managed to slam the ball into the back of the net. Me? I think it would have sparked the Scottish Football Revolution. We would have won that game, won our coveted 2nd place, won the playoff and gone on to win the whole ****ing World Cup. That didn't happen though and thanks to Chris Iwelumo, I am going to have to do it myself.

My name is Jock McTavish and I am going to prove that although Scotland will never, ever be the best team on the pitch, it WILL be the nation responsible for the best manager to ever walk the face of this earth (just forget Fergie already exists, yeah?).

I am a Thistle in the wind. Watch how I soar.

[Apato13]

Hamlet's Question.

To send, or not to send. The burning question we have all asked ourselves at one time or another. Whether it's an overly ballsy email to your ****** of a boss asking for a raise, writing out a draft resignation letter when the ***** didn't give it to you, or a mass distribution of your CV to a bunch of unknown lower-league football teams you are hoping to one day manage. Okay, the last one might not resonate with a lot of people but you get the picture.

See, I was up all last night watching hours of football highlights. Barcelona's tiki-taka, City's direct attacking play, Eusébio-inspired Benfica. You name it, I watched it with nothing but a bottle of Glenfiddich and an Irn-Bru bar for company. I do this a lot. Some call it madness or an obsession. I call it "research" for the U-11's local team I coach - the mighty AC Oxgangs.

This particular evening though, my whisky induced haze sent me on a self-deprecating look into Scottish Football and the way we play. I couldn't face it and Chris "The Bald Eejit" Iwelumo's famous miss was the last nail in the coffin. An open can of Super T, drunken grunts a-plenty and nibbling on the remains of my donner kebab that were caught in my moustache, I drunkenly concluded that the best way to change Scottish football was to take my coaching onto the next level. Start at the bottom and work my way up so that one day, one sweet day, I can step onto the pitch at Hampden and guide our nation to some form of football glory. Most likely that beautiful 2nd place playoff position in a World Cup qualifying group. I'd take that and run.

So here I am, 8am on a Sunday morning in my hometown of Edinburgh, still half cut from the night before and staring blankly at an email I drunkenly drafted to Nybro IF's chairman, Viktor Norberg, about his team's vacant manager position. Nah, I have never heard of them either. A quick Google tells me they are a Swedish outfit plying their trade in the Swedish Second Division East Gotaland (I just had a wee nap in the middle of trying to utter that lengthily named competition).

So, to send, or not to send, that is MY question. Part of me thinks this is utter madness: the drunken leftovers of a madman's dreams. The other part of me probably also agrees with that statement. Luckily though, I am always drunk and i'm always going to be a madman. I hit send, what's the worst that could happen?

[Apato13]

Nybro or Norby? 

Well that all happened quickly.

Viktor Norberg must be pretty desperate. It took him less than the time it takes to blow dry my chest hair to respond to my job application, offering me an immediate online interview. Obviously at this point I was having kittens a-plenty. I didn't actually expect this woefully ambitious plan to pan out! I needn't have worried though as the interview seemed to be a formality. I could have confessed to the murdering of all those kittens I had just produced and wee Viktor wouldn't have bat an eye-lid. How dire is the situation at the Victoriavallen that they would hire some wee pleb from Scotland with no coaching badges and less exp. than a level 1 Magikarp (I hope you get that reference). Frankly, I couldn't give a flying ****. I am a manager!

 

A manager of what though? I don't exactly follow the Swedish Second Division East Gotaland (which will now be known as the SSDEG because the full name is far too ****ing long), so I have no idea what kind of team I am inheriting. I'll admit, the elation I have been feeling since accepting the job has meant the actual research into Nybro IF has been, well, **** all. Up until about 30 minutes ago, I was still calling them Norby FI for Christ sake. Luckily for me, the flight to Kalmar is almost 6 hours. More than enough time for a drink...I mean research. Opening the worryingly small folder of information that Viktor forwarded to me, the first thing that catches my eye (and then repeatedly smashes it against my foldaway table) is the league table.

 

Rock. ****ing. Bottom. After 10 of the 26 game season, Nybro find themselves with 1 win and 9 defeats. In the SSDEG (even that is a mouthful), the bottom 2 teams go down with the winner gaining automatic promotion and 2nd place going into a Promotion Playoff (my Scottish loins are rumbling). So what that means for my little Nybro side is that we are 6 points off safety. 6 points may not seem a lot mathematically, but when your form is as bad as ours then it is a mountain-sized figure. I drastically rifle through Viktor's folder, panic creeping in, for any clue as to the calibre of player I am going to have at my disposal. I finally grasp the sheet of A4 I have been searching for and my heart sinks. Immediately and instinctively I reach out to press the cabin crew call button.

"ANOTHER whisky, sir?" Agnes of Highland Air sneers at me.

"Ah ha, no, no. I was, eh, wondering if we could, perhaps, if it's not too much trouble y'know...turn the plane around?" I plead

"**** off, ya dafty" Agnes calmly answers as she walks away.

Well, bang goes that plan. A highly unrealistic plan, mind you. Almost as unrealistic as an alcoholic waster taking a job in the arse-end of nowhere managing a team of 24 diddys who, it seems, have never even seen a football, let alone know how to use it. Let me show you what I am working with. I introduce you to the 3 best footballers on my team; Brandon Ficke, Jonas Sturesson and Simon Megally.

Brandon Ficke: My star performer hails from the USofA. A "towering" centre back whose takling and heading are actually pretty decent. However the boy has a mental page similar to that of my 1 year old nephew.

 

Jonas Sturesson: My starting CM whose technical page might as well be written in binary. Decent passing and a leader of the pack mean he will be one of the 1st names on the team sheet. When he is back from his month long injury that is.

 

Simon Megally: Megally by name, Megally interesting by nature. I think I am going to like young Simon. Another American who must have made it out over the wall - there are 4 of them at Nybro IF. Simon isn't great, let's be honest. The reason I am going to like him though is that he is okay at the things I love in a player. Pacey, good vision and passing, technical and with a decent long shot. Don't disappoint me, Simon.

 

Well, this is a shock. I'm wondering how many bottles of Swedish brannvin my £325 a week contract is going to buy to get through this. Why am I complaining? I haven't even started yet and I am complaining. What am I, Scottish? I don't have the thought power to answer that question as i'm too distracted by the airport that we have just landed in and, specifically, the short plump man leaning on a beaten-up, old Saab at the end of the runway. It's Viktor and he's holding up a hand-written sign for me. "Welcome to Hell, idiot."

Perfect.

[Apato13]

Hoots Mon

I'm starting to distrust Viktor. He has well and truly sold me down the river. Perhaps the most alarming aspect of his betrayal is the huge grin that is slapped across his stupid face as he does so. You see, since I have entered Viktor's sinking ship that was somehow disguised as a car, he has gleefully informed me of the shitshow I am heading towards. Firstly, there is absolutely no money in the club. None. The piggy bank is empty and the wallets are full of moths. Secondly, there are at least 4 first-team players facing a long stint on the sideline due to injuries: with, of course, no money to replace them. Lastly, we are not, in fact, driving to Nybro's home stadium -  Victoriavallen - as I had assumed. Instead, we are on our way to Bergavik for my first game in charge against IFK Berga. The game starts in 20 minutes. Cheers Viktor, ya absolute rocket.

While the back of a liars car isn't my first choice for coining a new genius strategy (Viktor wouldn't let me sit in the front seat), it's all i've got. So, without further ado, meet my new tactic: Moose.

 

Moose:

Having looked over my assistant manager's team report and then completely disregarded it because he doesn't know his arse from his elbow, I have focused on what I think my Nybro team need: stability.

With a goal difference of -11 after 10 games, it seems pretty ****ing obvious that my team has the same defensive prowess as Titus Bramble. This needs to change if I have any hope of keeping Nybro afloat in the SSDEG.

A 4-5-1 will do nicely. Ah yes, 10 players behind the ball, music to absolutely no ones ears. It needs to happen though and I am willing to park a bus the size of Stockholm in front of our goals to ensure a bit of defensive stability.

I'm going to play a wee defensive midfield player who will sit in between my defensive and midfield lines to kick the **** out of anyone who dares to take him on. The Scottish way.

My defensive line will be dropped a bit deeper to make it hard for teams to get in behind us - a weakness I noticed while watching some previous match highlights on the plane over.

In an attempt to not be TOO defensive, I have decided to play my LB and RB as wing backs in a support duty. Hopefully this will allow for solid defensive assistance before bombing up the wing to help our attack. Wishful thinking.

Now that's enough about the defence. It may have given Sam Allardyce a managerial career in football but, for me, it's the most boring string to my Nybro bow.

Unfortunately though, this team is ****. So trying to think of a way to cleverly and effectively hurt my opposition is tough. No, actually, it's impossible. From what I can tell, my best options for attacking play comes in the form of my CM's. Megally, as a ball-winning midfielder, will hopefully look to break up my opponents play higher up the pitch and then release my wingers or my striker with his vision and passing technique. Chkheidze is another technical sausage who I am hoping will control my build up play. I am putting him in as an advanced playmaker to make sure the rest of the team know to give him the ball.

My two wide-men are going to be wingers who will stretch the play and give Chkheidze options. If they get the opportunity they will play low crosses in behind the defence for my poacher to mop up. My WB's will also be looking to support on the wings.

A strong and sturdy beast that stretches out into a patient yet dangerous, pointed attack - a bit like a Moose, kind of.

Not bad for 10 minutes, eh?

[Apato13]

And so it begins...

We are playing in a field. I don't know whether or not I am being a little naive, but I had expected my managerial debut to be more grand - think Old Trafford rather than Old n Tattered. IFK Berga didn't get the memo. Wooden bleachers stand small next to the bumpy and uneven pitch. My Gran's back garden would have been more suitable in all honesty. Ah well, at least the away "stand" is packed. 18 die-hard Nybro fans sit uncomfortably on their wooden thrones. I'm hoping the discomfort is aimed at the seating arrangement and not at the appointment of an unknown scrawny wee manager from Scotland. One final swig out of my whisky bottle and it's time to meet the players. My players.

When I dreamt about walking into the changing room of my first football club, I always pictured it as a daunting experience. Trying to get the respect of Beckham, Henry or McFadden is, after all, a scary thought. This, however, was nothing like that. Mainly because my players are a bunch of nobodies that I can scare into respecting me. I saunter into the room and without saying a word aim my, now empty, whisky bottle at the wall. Pointing at myself I say "This is us, ****ing Nybro!". Staring at their sceptical little Swedish faces I then launch the bottle at the wall, watching it shatter into tiny little pieces. Calmly walking over, I point at the broken glass on the floor. "This, this is Berga." Every member of my team look like they are shiteing out tiny meatballs. Job done. Let's ****ing win this thing.

IFK Berga v Nybro IF

Tactics and Lineup

I only have one tactic at this point so we go with the Moose. The Lineup is picked purely based on the reports I have been given and who I see as the best fit, I can't really rely on form as everyone has been playing utterly bollocks. Oh, and also, I have a million players injured. Selfish pricks. 2 headaches that I spotted in the short drive over were that I only have 1 playable GK, a 17 year old donkey by the name of Filip Lundin, and I don't really have a decent striker. Ludvig Ingelsson is the man-child I have opted for due to his pace and movement: perfect for the poacher role as long as the donut can perform.

 

The Match

My boys start well, trying to play the patient build up I have asked them to. Chkheidze, in particular, is controlling the game and passing brilliantly. Our promising start is rewarded as we fashion the first chance of the game. Megally puts pressure on IFK Berga's Westberg and wins the ball just inside our half. He plays it forward towards Ingelsson who holds it up well as he patiently moves out towards the right wing. Lifting his head up, Ingelsson fires a cross towards Koizumi who is lurking at the edge of the box. Japanese-born Koizumi takes a few too many touches to get it out of his feet before releasing a shot that nestles into the bottom corner. WHAT A ****ING START! 4 minutes in and Nybro are on top.

My joy lasts for a whopping 11 minutes. Berga regroup well and look to silence the 18 noisy Norby fans. A corner is swung in and dealt with by Fricke. It only goes as far as Johnsson at the 18 yard line who cleverly waits for every singly one of my players to run at him as if he is made of lingonberries. A simple ball through my onrushing team and Quist is in. He confidently slots it into the bottom corner. I am livid to lose a goal like that, it was far too simple. Maybe I will launch one of my players at the wall before the next game to really hammer home that they cannot **** up.

My players sense my anger and step it up a notch, regaining a hold on the match in the 17th minute. Some brilliant build up play sees Hakansson escape down the right. He flashes the ball across the face of the goal to tee up Ingelsson who pokes it in from 3 yards out. I would jump out of my seat if Berga could afford one. 2-1.

We are having a field day down the right side of the pitch. Berga's LB Stenmark looks out of place and Hakansson is taking full advantage. Hakansson glides down the right once again, full of energy, and draws Stenmark out of position. Peter Fives runs into the empty space and targets Ingelsson in the box. His cross is delivered with pinpoint accuracy onto Ingelsson's big forehead who manages to squeeze it in at the near post. 3 ****ing 1. How is this possible? I turn round to hug my assistant manager, Toni Kujundic, who just looks at me and says "we are being seriously overrun in midfield". Toni is clearly insane.

Before the 1st half draws to a close, Peter "Five out of Five" Fives finds Ingelsson deep on the right hand side (again). Ingelsson loks like a man possessed today, determined to be involved in everything that we do. He looks up to find our defensive midfielder, Evaldsson, in acres of space in Berga's box. In any other situation i'd have been frustrated at Evaldsson for pushing so far up the pitch but the beautiful wee bastard controls the ball well and curls it round 3 defenders and past Gustavsson. 4-1 to the lads.

I am ecstatic and make sure everyone gets a half time shwally. They deserve it. Ingelsson gets seconds because I am starting to think he might be the Aguero of the SSDEG.

The 2nd half is beyond anti-climactic but I don't care at all. I even go and sit with the Nybro fans for the last 20 minutes. Turns out my slurred Scottish noises translate to Swedish chanting pretty well.

The game finishes 4-1 and I realise I am unbeaten as a manager. I might just retire now.

 

[mark wilson27]

Hi Apato 13 and welcome to FMS, please be aware of our House Rules regarding pictures. 

Feel free to carry on posting and looking forward to see how your career goes

Mark

[Apato13]

Apologies, I wasn't aware. I have removed all the photos. 

[mark wilson27]

9 minutes ago, Apato13 said:

Apologies, I wasn't aware. I have removed all the photos. 

Thankyou for your understanding.

Will be following along with your career

[Apato13]

Signings Galore

Those 3 points have gone a long way. Results elsewhere mean we are now only a win away from climbing out of the relegation zone. I don't mean to blow my own bagpipe but I am going to take full credit for the win against Berga. Project Moose did its job swimmingly and Ingelsson proved to be the perfect choice up top, having been involved in every goal. The ship has been steadied.

Having said that, the ship still has plenty of holes that need to be seen to. Luckily, I have managed to round up 3 footballer-sized corks that should do the job nicely. One of the first things I did when I arrived at Victoriavallen was to task my young Head Scout to find me some free players to bolster my squad. Unfortunately, seeing as he couldn't tell the difference between Oliver Kahn and Oliver Kahnt, I am sifting through his recommendations with a bucket of salt, never mind a ****ing pinch.

3 players have caught my eye though; Robin Olsson, Marcio Carneiro and Peter Dolk. They all look fairly decent and I am already seeing Robin and Marcio as starters at the young age of 16. Before you could say 'Realisationsvinstbeskattning', I've gotten each of them on the phone and got them to sign their lives away.  The small problem of Viktor not giving me any cash is avoided by signing them on youth contracts and paying them a measly £20 every time they make an appearance. Spin on that, Viktor.

I am glad I have managed to start up my own child labour scheme at Nybro with the introduction of these 3, especially considering as Chkheidze picked up a knock in the last game after miskicking the ball. Yup, a "professional" footballer miskicked the ball and will now be out for 2 months with an injury. Welcome to Nybro, eh.

My next 2 games go by in an absolute flash and I pick up another 2 points with draws against Rappe Goif and Hassleholms. 3 games in, still unbeaten, 5 points from 9: the Moose is proving to be quite the beast.

[Apato13]

Freedom

 

Nybro was first founded as a rest area for travellers making the long journey from Kalmar to Vaxjo, in the West of Sweden. As someone who has spent the past 3 weeks here NOT resting, I find that slap-in-the-face ironic. This has not be a restful introduction into the world of professional management - it's been stressful as ****.

My team are still relegation fodder, despite my bright start at the helm. Our unbeaten streak may tell a favourable tale of heroes fighting with everything they've got to contest the inevitable drop into the 3rd tier of Swedish football. In reality though, we have laid down, waved our white flag and begged for mercy. There is no fight and no desire to dig deep for the win. So, I have come up with the perfect solution. It's the night before our next game, away to Osterlen, and, instead of going over tactics, running a few last minute drills or having the boys get some kip before the match, we are going to watch Braveheart. 5 times. Come at us.

Osterlen FF v Nybro IF

Moose has been strong defensively over the past few weeks but it is lacking a bit of bite in attack. Rather than drastically change anything though, I have tweaked the tactic here and there. Our defensive line pushes up a bit more so that there are extra options for Olsson to seek out with his passing ability. I am going to try and create an attacking urgency from the off, as well. The lineup remains the same as recent weeks bar 1 change, Sturesson comes in to make his 1st start for me. He has impressed in training and also turned up today with the Scottish flag painted on his face. He looks like the lone crazy person with a worn out Safeway bag that every town seems to have, the ****ing loon.

It's a very nervous start from both teams but it's Osterlen who threaten first. My tactical push up the park is exploited as we are caught in possession on the halfway line. The ball is played over the top into space and Barchan runs on to it. Johansson makes it back to apply pressure but Barchan picks his spot and crosses deep for the onrushing Lekanovic to get his head to it. The goal is gaping and he should score but Lundin throws out an arm and stops it creeping in. Braveheart, aka Sturesson clears the ball to safety.

Next it's our turn. A lovely ball over the top sees Ingelsson through on goal. He has to take it early and fizzes a shot towards goal which teasingly misses the top corner by a few inches. 10 minutes later though, we get the breakthrough. Olsson plays an insane diagonal through ball for Hakansson to run on to. He beats Hansson to the ball and looks to cut it back to the edge of the box. Braveheart is lurking and rather than taking the shot on himself, plays a clever ball into the feet of Ingelsson. Ingelsson, with his back to goal, swivels to the right and curls it in from 6 yards. 1-0. Beautiful play as well, the boys are impressing.

Our good play continues into the second half with Braveheart controlling the game magnificently. Osterlen don't know how to cope with him dictating the tempo and sit back, so I slow our play down and shout for my team to retain the ball.

Another Nybro injury is the only other talking point for the rest of the game. Johansson goes down off the ball and has to be stretchered off. I think my physios are being paid by other teams given the amount of my players dropping like flies. They will have to go soon if this keeps up.

The ref blows for full time and we travel home with all 3 points. FREEDOM.

[mark wilson27]

Another good win there Apato, looks like you've hit the ground running

[Apato13]

Highs and Lows

Ah July, what a beautiful month. Stunning weather, summer holidays, cold beer on a hot day...what more could you want? In fact, in Sweden, many of the locals take the whole of July off to soak up the sun, the mad lads. Others guide a **** semi-professional football team to their record number of games unbeaten. Well, by others, I mean me: Jock McTavish, manager extraordinaire.

Let me run you through this sexy month so far.

 

1st July - Osterlen FF 0 - 1 Nybro IF

Our William Wallace inspired victory that is fresh in your memory I am sure.

 

8th July - Norby IF 1 - 1 IFK Malmo

Malmo were next in the firing line as we looked to continue our momentum. We were strong throughout but conceded an unlucky goal early into the second half. Pushing for the equaliser, we hit the post a stonking 4 times before Ludvig Ingelsson slotted home in the 64th minute. The bar and 2 insane saves from IFK Malmo's Tindberg prevented us from all 3 points.

 

15th July - Norby IF 2 - 0 Vimmerby IF

This. This is the fight and desire I have been looking for from my team. Peppering the Vimmerby goal without success all game, anyone would have forgiven us for giving up out of frustration. We stayed resolute until the very last minute though and were rewarded when Robin and Eric, the Olsson twins, finally got the goals we deserve. I'll let you decide which one is Mary-Kate and which is Ashley.

 

22nd July - Norby IF 1 - 0 IFK Hassleholm

It was IFK Hassleholm's turn to try and halt our sublime form. They arrived full of energy and started the brighter of the teams, with our goalie, Lundin, being forced into some decent saves early on. They really should have had the opportunity to go ahead in the 1st half when Brandon Ficke, my young American CB, forgot what sport he was playing and decided to launch himself at Hassleholm's Linus Svensson in the middle of our box. Somehow the ref missed this entirely and no penalty was given. Another late goal by Eric "Ashley" Olsson saw us steal all 3 points. More than a little lucky with this game but it's about ****ing time if you ask me - 7 games unbeaten. New record.

 

29th July - Lindals IF 3 - 0 Nybro IF

Wait, what? I have checked the script more than a few times and I am pretty ****ing sure this wasn't meant to happen. I was meant to guide my team to an unbeaten month and Viktor would have been so happy with me he probably would have apologised for being a massive bellend and sent me off skipping into the sunset towards my first coaching badge. Instead, Lindals embarrassed my team and ensured my first defeat as a professional manager. We had more of the ball and a similar amount of shots but Lindals were ruthless with their chances; Olsson, Quist and Stark with the goals.

 

Well, July, **** you. **** you very much. I'll tell you what July has done, it's pissed me off. I'm disappointed, angry, emotional, drunk, hurt, drunk, deflated. Anything negative really. Who the ****, in their right-mind likes the month of July? Not me.

Oh sure, I'm probably being more than a little dramatic but it's understandable. After guiding my team to the most successful period in their ENTIRE history, which is definitely going in bold at the top of my CV, the defeat at Lindals means we finish July right back where we started: the relegation zone. Whoop-de-****ing-do.

[tenthreeleader]

You're looking good so far -- keep it going!

[Apato13]

This is Nybro

It's time to do something un-Scottish. After failing to climb out the relegation zone after the best run in the clubs history, any other Scottish man at the helm would sulk. For days. He'd drink himself into oblivion and take everyone close down with him too. I can't afford to do that though. If I do that now then it really is game over. No, my team need me. So, as I walk into my office at the Victoriavallen there is a spring in my step. I am shooting rainbows out my arse like a ****ing unicorn.

I have set up a meeting with Robin "Mary-Kate" Olsson this morning to talk about his form. Since arriving, this genius of a 17 year old has been our star player averaging a rating of 7.6 per game. His passing has been an absolute joy to watch and he reads the game like no one else on the pitch. With 2 goals and 2 assists so far, I think the future is bright for the wee man. He is over the moon to hear how much I rate him so I pounce and offer him a 2 year professional contract, for real money this time, which he accepts.

The next game is a huge one. Kvarnby IK are one place above us in the league, teetering on the edge of the relegation zone. I am going to get up there and kick them off. Sparta style.

 

Kvarnby IK v Nybro IF

My line up hasn't changed much over the past few weeks. Braveheart has run out of steam a little bit so he has dropped to the bench for Chkheidze, who is fully fit again. I am hoping Olsson and Chzkheidze can play together but they are very similar players and could get in the way of each other.

I am very wary of Kvarnby. They come into this game off the back of a good win against Rappe, with Terry Adadevoh Svensson bagging 2 goals. However, Svensson picked up an injury and so wont be playing. You'd think that would be good news but, honestly, it has me worried. I don't know what to expect from their other strikers as they haven't played much, so there is no plan to help stop them. I am going to drop the team deeper and play very balanced to see what kind of threats they pose before springing an attack. I tell the boys to relax and play how they usually do and the result will come before sending them out to claim Kvarnby's scalps.

Kvarnby get the first chance of the game when a long ball catches my defence off guard. Nordlinder breaks free and fires a shot early, aiming for the bottom corner. Lundin is equal to it and palms it wide for a corner. Nordlinder is involved again from the corner as he picks the ball up at the edge of the 18 before firing well wide. He is showing threatening signs though so I scream for Carneiro to man-mark him and kick the **** out of him whenever he gets the chance.

We are quiet in the 1st half with only Olsson contributing anything. His passing is, once again, exceptional. Unluckily though, he is being too smart for his own team and no one else is reading his clever through balls.

The second half starts brighter with Hakansson playing a lovely through ball for Ingelsson to run onto. My top goalscorer breaks into the box from the wing, leaving Arnshed for dead and, from an extremely tight angle, taps the ball past Alin into the net. 1 - 0.

A few more opportunities come for both teams from corners but poor finishing means the score stays the same. Deep into the second half our task becomes a little bit easier. Friberg, who seems frustrated out there, chops Carneiro down at the edge of their box and picks up his second yellow. Early bath for you, ya demon.

Olsson is knocking the ball around for fun and constantly pushes Nybro into dangerous positions. Shots from Hakansson and Chkheidze are saved well and keep Kvarnby in the game, but with nothing being produced at the other end of the pitch the whistle blows and it's 1 - 0 to my boys in red.

It's taken me 8 weeks of hell but I can finally hold my head up high and wipe that smirk off Viktors ugly face. We are out of the relegation zone and on our way to safety. I need a drink...

[Apato13]

"For ****s sake!" I scream from the touchline. Not for the first time, I might add. "What the **** are they doing?" follows shortly after. I look at my staff but they don't have an answer, and neither do I. ****.

Nybro IF v Prespa Birlik

I was in a good mood earlier, I promise. 90% full of whisky, beaming at the league table and awkwardly grinning at my new loanee striker, Joel Mumbongo. I was like a dog with two tails. Realising that 10 minutes is perhaps too long to stand silently, smiling at Joel, I let him know he can join the rest of the team for their warm up. The kid looks like a good prospect: frightening pace at this level with good movement off the ball and the ability to dribble past defenders. Go and do me proud Joel.

We are playing Prespa Birlik who are sitting in 8th place. Their form hasn't been great recently and I fancy our chances against them. I want to win today. I know, I say that a lot but I really, REALLY want to win today. Spending an entirety in the relegation zone doesn't make you want to go back down there. I refuse.

My lineup stays the same. Everyone is in good condition and no one had that much of a stinker that they deserve to be dropped. Just before the team head out I take Olsson to one side and tell him that he can make the difference tonight and to look for Berg on the left-hand side. Prespa's RB, Cederholm, looks utter pish so I want to embarrass him.

Unfortunately, what I witness is perhaps the worst display of football I have ever seen. There is no unity, no fluidity, no urgency. We are utterly shambolic. Passes fly left and right into the stands, touches go over the wall into neighbouring gardens and wayward shots make dents in Prespa's team coach. Alright, the last one is pretty funny but even I can't smirk at that right now.

"For ****s sake!" I scream from the touchline. Not for the first time, I might add. "What the **** are they doing?" follows shortly after. I look at my staff but they don't have an answer, and neither do I. ****.

There are, however, 2 shining lights. Chkheidze is having a great game, winning the ball back strongly and playing simple passes to keep possession. I wont give you any prizes for guessing the second. Yup, Robin Olsson is having a stormer. His diagonal cross-field balls are being delivered inch-perfect onto Hakansson and Berg's feet. It's just a shame that they have the touch of an Elephant wearing steel-capped boots. Nothing is getting through to Ingelsson as a result. We are extremely lucky that Prespa are playing as badly otherwise it'd be an absolute hiding.

At half time I get the boys in and give them the old hairdryer treatment. By that I mean I threaten them and smash some more bottles around. It appears they have gotten used to that trick though as they come back out in the 2nd half and do exactly the same.

I lose count of the amount of times the ball goes down our wings and Hakansson or Berg lose it. Even after instructing Olsson to start going through the middle there is still very little good play.

In the 85th minute our luck changes. A corner is swung in by Olsson with Brandon Fricke bearing down to get his head on it. Before he reaches the ball, Ojevwe Akpoveta charges towards him, tripping Mujkic in the process. The ref takes one look and points to the spot. Portuguese defensive midfielder Marcio Carneiro, best known for kicking lumps out of the opposition, steps up to kick lumps out of the spot kick. He is calmness personified and the ball sails into the top corner. Nybro are in front.

Sensing a barrage of Prespa pressure, I tell my team to drop further and soak up the pressure before hitting them on the counter. Joel comes on to be the outlet up top with his pace. 2 minutes later it pays off. Fricke clears a cross as far as Hakansson who looks for Mumbongo and releases him down the wing. Mumbongo runs to the edge of the box, holding the ball up and waiting for support. Help arrives in the form of Chkheidze who gets layed in on the overlap and releases a thunderous strike across the face of the goal and into the top corner. WHERE THE **** DID THAT COME FROM?! 2-0 and it seems we might have nicked this away from Prespa.

They do their best to squeeze back into it and Tahiri make the last few minutes tense when he finds some space on the 18 yard line and creeps the ball past Lundin into the bottom corner. We hold on though and take all 3 points.

 

Totally undeserved but I couldn't give a ****. Nybro are on the rise.

[Apato13]

Oh, Delia

There are 6 games left in the season. Currently, Nybro are sitting pretty in 9th position on 24 points. 5 points clear from the relegation zone at this stage seemed like an impossible task when I took over back in June. Yet, somehow,  I have managed to slur my way to 6 wins, 3 draws and only 1 loss in my 10 games in charge. I am even more delighted that my 6 wins (and my predecessor's 1 win) claims yet another record for Nybro!

'Most wins in a season'...shove that in your piehole, Viktor.

Moose has worked well throughout, remaining sturdy and elegant with only 7 goals conceded. We have scored 13 in 10 games, as well, to show that this Moose bites. Both Olsson and Carneiro have shown they are consistent players featuring in every game so far since joining. Peter Dolk, though promising when substituted on, wasn't quite strong enough to knock Fricke or Mujkic away from their starting 11 status but is definitely one for the future.

All in all, I am happy with what I have done so far. No money, no support, incredibly incompetent staff members and I am still thriving. Absolutely nothing can knock my confidence at the moment.

So, when I look at the remaining 6 fixtures in the season and realise that I am playing 5 teams who are currently in the top 6, I don't feel scared or worried about dropping points. I look at those teams and Delia Smith's awe-inspiring half-time speech pops into my head. "Let's be havin you!".

[Apato13]

The Moose is Sick

 

We are doomed. My team has crumbled quicker than Neymar would if you blew on him. It's all happened in the blink of an eye. One second, we were up there on 9th all wrapped up in a wonderfully constructed safety blanket. 5 games later and we are clutching on to our blanket by a fine thread. The Moose must have taken ill, that is the only explanation. It has stumbled aimlessly towards a cliff and hurled itself off, not able to face the damage it has inflicted on Nybro IF. Take a look.

 

19th August - Asarums IF 1 - 0 Nybro IF

How. Just how does this happen? High-flying Nybro turned up to Asarums knowing that taking 3 points off their relegation rivals would surely mean safety. I told the boys to attack from the off which, in hindsight, must mean a completely different thing in Swedish as we failed to register a single shot. Not 1. Eddie Fridh nodded the home team in front in the 80th minute and Asarums walked off with a vital win.

 

26th August - Nybro IF 0 - 3 Lunds BK

League leaders, Lunds, turned up expecting to easily overcome a deflated Nybro side, and going by the scoreline, you'd think that's exactly what happened. Surprisingly though, 3-0 flattered Lunds on the day and Nybro gave as good as they got. Robin Olsson created chance after chance but Ingelsson sadly wasn't up to the challenge. On another day this could have been 3-0 the other way. Lunds were lethal though, with both Birgersson and Osmancevic finishing well to secure the victory.

 

2nd September - Torns IF 1 - 0 Nybro IF

This result goes down as my most frustrating to date. Torns didn't deserve this one. Going back to basics, my Nybro team controlled the game wonderfully with Robin Olsson at the helm again. He is way too good for this team and I will do well to keep him over the next transfer window, regardless of if we stay up. My attacking force of Ingelsson, and then Mumbongo, failed to mop up anything that was given to them on a silver plate. My Moose's antlers have broken. Lundberg scored a well placed finish in the 25th minute and that was that.

 

9th September - Nybro IF 0 - 0 IFK Berga

With a tricky game against Hassleholms next week, I knew that Berga posed the best chance to put a crucial win on the board before my final game. We passed the ball well but Berga stunned us with their high-pressing game. We struggled to take control in their half of the pitch and could only muster 3 shots on target. Berga were unlucky, it has to be said, as 21 shots failed to result in the goal they needed. 1 point will do at this stage. I will take anything.

 

16th September Hassleholms IF 2 - 1 Nybro IF

A game that was over within 15 minutes. I knew it would be tricky, especially as we had failed to score in the past 4 games. Persson and Svensson made it 2-0 after 13 minutes and Nybro heads dropped. A stunning strike by Hakansson to make it 2-1 wasn't enough to spark a complete turnaround and we went home for the 5th game without a win.

 

So, what does all this mean? It means we have plummeted towards the 3rd tier of Swedish football and are only a point away from it's cold, dead clutches. Asarums, Lindals and Kvarnby can all still finish above us, and with a game against 7th placed Rappe Goif to finish with, bums will be squeaking all over the place.

[Apato13]

The Fox

 

This is how I make my money. It's my job, y'know, my living. This is my bread and butter, my forte...or so I keep on telling myself. In actual fact, I haven't a clue what I am doing. I don't know how to approach the Rappe game and I certainly don't know how to stop the impending drop. There is only one thing for it, then. I am going to copy someone who does. Wiping my tactical whiteboard clean I get working on a new tactic, one that is similar in style to Klopp's, Guardiola's and Poch's. That's right, I am going to press the hell out of Rappe.

So, here it is in all its glory: fast, nimble and dangerous in attack. I am proud to introduce my new tactic, Arctic Fox. Yes, I know the name is ***** but Sweden doesn't have very many apex predators kicking about.

 

This style of play is very much in fashion at the moment, with teams like City and Liverpool playing some insanely attractive attacking football. I haven't utilised it yet because, call me old school, it isn't my favourite way to play. I love a patient, controlled build up, frustrating the opposition and slowly working towards a clever through ball into the box and a well placed finish. Oh, and also, this style requires a lot of hard-working players who are fast and technical...not exactly our strength. It is a wee bit risky too, especially for a low league team, due to the gaps it leaves behind in defence. Regardless of all this, I have nothing to lose. Playing it safe, or for a draw, against Rappe wont work because all it takes is one of my relegation rivals winning and we go down.

I spend the next week in training working with my team to get them used to the pace of Arctic Fox. They need to keep up a high intensity for the whole of the game otherwise it wont work. Training goes well with the exception of an injury, Peter Fives at RB. My limited options means I have to go with Hancock as a replacement. Not ideal as I have never rated him - he is a muppet. I tell him he needs to impress if he wants to stay with this team. Hopefully that's the kick up the arse he needs.

 

Nybro IF v Rappe Goif

Surprisingly, we come into this game as the bookies slight favourites. A bit odd given my lack of form but I will take any ego boost I can get my hands on. A short team meeting, led by Robin Olsson, spurs my team to dig deep one last time. This is for the 127 fans that have turned up today, and I urge the team not to disappoint them.

Before I step onto the pitch, I take a minute to myself, ducking into the bathroom. I'm looking in the mirror, at the manager I have become. This game defines every minute I have spent in Nybro so far. If I lose, you can be damn sure I am a goner - Viktor won't think twice. If I win, I go down in Nybro's history as the manager who saved them, breaking record after record along the way. This is MY 90 minutes just as much as it is Nybro's and I 'm going to grab it by the balls. I neaten up my moustache, leave the bathroom and walk towards the dugout. Game on.

We start well, moving the ball around quickly and with intent. Both full backs are high up the pitch causing Rappe's wingers to sit deep in order to track them. 10 minutes in, Hancock finds some space on the right, hugging the touchline. He fires a cross towards Ingellson but it's intercepted by Arvidsson. He heads the ball clear and it falls to Olsson who cushions the ball down for Ingellson to take a shot. It sails wide but it's decent play, we are settling into Arctic Fox nicely.

On the 17 minute mark we have the ball in the back of the net. Evaldsson pushes high to catch Andersson out and hastily moves the ball across the pitch to Hakansson. Hakansson holds up and waits for the run of Hancock, who crosses first time for Chkheidze to strike the ball in at the near post. I scream with relief, a raw primal scream that shakes me to my core. I am so involved in my scream that it takes me around 30 seconds to realise the linesman had his flag up for Hancock, who was offside. The goal is disallowed. It's alright, the scream was still valid, just for different reasons now.

Deep into the 1st half, our pressing catches Rappe off guard again. A loose ball is picked up by Berg, about 20 yards from Rappe's goal, who releases Evaldsson down the left wing. Evaldsson crosses well to the back post and Hakansson, rises the highest, to head the ball down into the ground. It bounces a few times before slowly trickling in at the far corner. ****ING YES. We finally take the lead, for the 1st time in 5 games. The way we are playing, we don't look like conceding either.

We threaten in the second half with Hakansson playing well down the right. Rappe are struggling to cope with his energy. I bring on Megally, who hasn't played in a while, to help with his vision and passing. It pays off immediately as Megally plays a neat wee through pall for Olsson to run onto. Olsson surges into the box and is brought down by Johansson. "Penalty!" I scream, trying my best to convince the ref. Our fans join in and Olsson looks at the ref hesitantly. The whistle blows and the referee points to the spot. He gives it!

Carneiro struts up to the penalty spot without breaking a sweat. The weight of a town on his shoulders but he feels as light as a feather as he bursts the net with his powerful shot. 2-0 and we are in cruise control. We are staying up. I don't jinx it by saying it out loud but, deep down, I know. I have ****ing done it. The ref confirms it by blowing his whistle and pandemonium erupts. I run onto the pitch, joined by the ecstatic 127 Nybro fans, and jump into the 11-strong huddle formed by my players.

 

This is everything that I have dreamed of. **** the Champions League, the World Cup or winning the league...I'll take saving the underdogs any day.

And save them I have: Jock McTavish, manager extraordinaire.

[Apato13]

Apologies are Sweet

 

I haven't spent a penny since last Saturday. Everywhere I go, the people of Nybro are showering me with their generosity. As a tight Scottish bastard, this is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Free food, free booze and a little glass trophy that has been made at the local Nybro factory. I have even had a few marriage proposals from some of the die-hard fans.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to feel as satisfying as the meeting I am on my way to though. Viktor has called me in, out of the blue, and that can only mean one thing. He is finally going to own up for being the devil incarnate and pat me on the back for doing a great job. A new contract slapped in front of me and the promise of paying for my 1st coaching badge. Ah yes, I can taste the sweetness of this apology already.

There is a slight concern with the offer of a new contract though - I'm not sure I would sign it. Don't get me wrong, my time spent at Nybro has been great, but it's also been ****ing awful. No money for players, a horrendous backroom staff team and an owner who would take pleasure in setting my nose hairs alight. It doesn't exactly scream 'job satisfaction'.

I even applied for a job late last night, albeit a little pissed. Adarve, a Spanish side playing in the Second Division B1, were looking for a manager and I sent my CV off to them. Just to see what was out there, I'm still not sure what I want to do.

I step into Viktor's office and immediately I know something is wrong. Viktor should be glum, his tail between his legs and begging for my forgiveness. Instead, he is sitting with a bottle of champagne, smoking a cigar with a wry smile on his face.

"Ah, Jock. Come, come. Sit down, my friend" Viktor beckons.

"Thanks, Viktor. Always good to see you, boss" I hesitantly reply.

"Jock, my friend. I am going to get straight to the point, no chit-chat. You're fired"

Well, ****.

[Apato13]

A Pint of Spit

"One more beer please, mate."

The barman looks at me with disdain. "Öl" I bark at him in his own language, adding "ya daft ****" under my breath. I know he understood me the 1st time though, so my wee insult is justified. After all, this is the same "kind" fellow that gave me unlimited access to his copious amount of alcohol just over a month ago when I kept Nybro up. Since my sacking I have only had access to dirty looks and the free spit that seems to be collecting at the bottom of each of my pints.

I don't blame him though, I blame Viktor. The fat waste of space managed to fire me due to the small print in my contract that I glossed over when I signed up. Technically, I wasn't allowed to apply for any other positions whilst employed at Nybro. So when I sent my CV off to Adarve, the Spanish minnows, TECHNICALLY I was breaching my contract. Now, if I were in Viktor's shoes and hired a manager who saved my team from relegation, breaking 3 records along the way (turns out I also managed to set the highest league points in a season), this would be a technicality that I would probably overlook. Not Viktor though. Once he caught wind of my interest in the Adarve job he kicked me out into the street with a greasy smile on his face. The people of Nybro who followed their team passionately, all 100 of them, soon followed suit and turned their backs on me too.

So here I am, drowning my sorrows the night before I fly home. The firing has really gotten to me as well, more than anything has in a long time. I had just started my journey and, even after ****ing excelling at the task given to me, it's come to an end. Whether I like it or not, I am going home a failure. I'd be in even more of a stinker if I hadn't found solace in hurling eggs at Viktor's Saab as he trundles past my flat every morning for the past month.

"Excuse me, Mr McTavish?" A voice asks suddenly from behind me.

Removing myself from my saliva riddled pint, I swivel round to confront the silent assassin.

"Jesus ****, mate" I proclaim "I just about pished myself, ya clown!"

A small, slender man is standing in front of me wearing a fancy suit and holding an envelope addressed to 'J. Mctavish'. I really recognise him but I just can't place where from with my head full of 10 pints.

"Sorry friend, I didn't mean to scare you. I was told I might find you in here, can I buy you a drink?" He said.

"I was actually just on my way home, early flight and all" I state, stumbling to put on my coat. "Who are you, anyway? Have we met?"

"Not formally, no - briefly, back in September. I had the pleasure of watching my team steal all 3 points against you. We were lucky" The mystery man jokes and offers me the envelope. "Peter Barnekov, I'm Torn's Chairman and I wanted to give you this before you leave"

"I ****ing knew I recognised you. You were jammy wee bastards, we shoulda trounced you." I taunt whilst taking the envelope and ripping it open. I look over it briefly before my jaw just about hits the poor bastards posh loafers. "Are you offering me a job?!"

"No, Mr McTavish" Peter says as he pulls a pen out of his inside pocket and confidently hands it to me. "I am offering you redemption"

[Apato13]

 

Deadwood

 

Life is funny eh? One day I am managing the league strugglers - battling budget restraints, incompetent players and a sadistic, spherical dumbass just to stay up. The next day I am in charge of the league favourites who are in a healthy financial position, have a wealth of "talent" at their disposal and an absolute gent of a Chairman to work with. I think you'd have a hard time to find someone who is daft enough to think that this isn't a step up. Oh yes, I'm on the rise.

 

Torns IF finished in 4th place in the SSDEG last year, 7 places above my Nybro team. Unhappy with their final position, Richard Ringhov resigned as manager, leaving Peter with the task of finding a new man to take Torns up a notch. That man is me, and, having looked at what work needs to be done, I honestly think I can do it.

The Team

The boys aren't half bad, y'know. A lot of deadwood that I had to shift but some really standout players at this level. One or two of them almost look like real, professional footballers - which, given I have come from Nybro, I never thought i'd actually see. The biggest problem I found was the squad was very thin. Like I said, real quality in some positions, but on the whole it lacked a lot of depth. After a very successful transfer period, with a whopping 10k in the transfer kitty, I brought in 9 players (and shifted 8) to try and add some extra class.

 

My final squad was 23 solid Swedish lads:

GK: Daniel Orlund, Philip Martensson

Defenders: Adam Larsson, Adam Olofsson, Tommie Veljovic, Ludvig Bergman, Hampus Bergdahl, Daniel Hidefalt Thulin, Sebastian Bichler Bergenhem, Niklas Nilsson

Midfielders: Moh Dhaini, Andre Johansson, Oscar Ahlgren, Adam Hellborg, Tobias Karlsson, Niclas Lundberg, Omar Hamid, Dino Mesic, Andreas Akerlund

Strikers: Patrik Ostlund, Linus Zetterstrom, Mans Carlsen

 

Now, the more observant of you will realise that there are only 22 names in that list. Well, I have one player that I feel warranted his own introduction. Ironically though, he needs no introduction as he is a ****ing superstar in the SSDEG. That's right, I put on my black overalls and balaclava to raid my own club and pry Robin Olsson away from them. **** YOU, VIKTOR!

 

The Tactics

Moose and Arctic Fox come back into the mix. Moose is going to, once again, be my starting tactic as I look to control the game with patient possession. I am going to tweak it a little though after it ran head-first into the relegation zone at the tail end (ha, get it?) of last season. The Fox could be a potent tactic for Torns given that we seem to be more technical than most teams, with pace and movement being some of our strong points as well. That being said, I am going to keep it at bay unless things get desperate: Arctic Fox just isn't my "jam".

With my first game being 5 months away (!!!!!), rather than the 20 minutes I was gifted at Nybro, it has given me time to come up with a 3rd tactic. This one is going to focus on short snappy passing, upping the tempo, stretching the play wide and having more of an attacking purpose. I still want to keep the ball, and stay strong and structured in defence, but I want to do something with our possession as well. Avoiding the use of Swedish animals because I ran out of ideas, this very obviously named tactic is the Torn-ado.

 

With my team and tactics complete, and not a lot of money for a major staff overhaul, I tried my luck at bringing Chris Iwelumo in as my assistant manager, purely so I could hurl abuse at him on a daily basis.

The ****er turned me down. That's one more reason to hate you, Chris. Keep them coming.

[Apato13]

Hibernation

Hibernation is useful in the animal kingdom for a number of different reasons. For instance, it allows animals to conserve their energy and survive a long period of time when food is scarce - Attenborough has taught me well, eh? This is not why I use hibernation though. Nah, I use hibernation to avoid the dull monotony of a Swedish low league pre-season. So, after waking up feeling refreshed and hungry for success, let's see how my assistant manager, Robin Lindroos, coped during my nap.

We played 10 games against varied opposition, mostly from the different tiers of Swedish football with a few continental ties against Rostock II and Hamburg II. Apparently, our board wouldn't let us travel too far from home so we played 8 of those games on our own patch, Tornvallen. We won exactly half of the 10 pre-season games, drew 2 of them and lost 3. Not bad, Robin. I am almost proud of you.

Our star performer was absolutely no surprise. Robin Olsson scored 1, made 1 and had an average rating of 7.32. Judging by the stats, his passing accuracy and chances created were insanely good too. Nice to see the lad wasn't a 1 season wonder.

Mans Carlsen also impressed, scoring 5 goals and getting an average rating of 7.04. It's made my decision of who to play up top in the 1st game a bit harder. I was putting all of Viktor's-saab-bound-eggs in Patrik Ostlund's basket, as he is touted as one of the best players in the league according to my staff, but Carlsen has made me think differently.

Speaking of my 1st game as Torn's manager, it's tomorrow! **** me, hibernation works well. We kick things off against IFK Hassleholm, a team I beat 2-0 with Nybro last year, before playing IFK Berga and Rappe GOIF. Not a bad run to get the momentum going but I am wary of Berga. The press are predicting them to finish 3rd this year so it could be an early title battle to gain the upper-hand.

The league preview, released in Sydsvenskan this morning, is good reading for any Torns fan. ****-on-my-face scary but, also, good. We are strong favourites to finish 1st and gain promotion whilst also have 7 players in the paper's 'Dream Eleven'.

That thought hits me hard. This is a different type of pressure, of expectation, than I had before. **** up at Nybro and I could blame it on the previous manager's run of results or the destructive team morale. That won't fly at Torns. The fans, Peter, the players, the media - they all expect me to win and to produce results. There will be no one else to point a finger at, I am in the spotlight now.

*****.

 

[Apato13]

The Three Musketeers

So, here it is. The SSDEG making it's way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and it's homebound.

A lot of work have gone into tactics and how I want my team to play so I am praying that they deliver for me. Sometimes, I think there is too much emphasis on the opening day of a season. Win and you confirm the fan's excitement of finally putting on a title challenge. Lose or draw and everyone start to think it's going to be a long season full of dread and despair. I would love to say that I have my "logical hat" on as I make my way out onto the touchline but, in all honesty, today is make or break for me too. I need a win so that I can look myself in the mirror, stroke my moustache and say "Y'see, Jock, it WAS all worth it". The whistle blows just as I realise that this little pep talk I have given myself worked better as an inner monologue than as a team talk to my new players. They must think I am ****ing nuts.

Torns IF v IFK Hassleholm

Hassleholm (once again, not to be confused with Hassleholms, their plural-loving rivals) had an okay season last year, finishing 9th. This doesn't exactly strike fear into my soul, especially as the media have predicted them to end up near the bottom of the table this season as well. With our home advantage I am confident that we can walk away with all 3 points.

The Moose is back in action, tinkered slightly to tailor to our expected dominance. Robin Olsson has been pushed up to play closer to the striker and to have more of a free role in between my oppositions lines. My 2 CM's have a bit more physicality and are slightly more defensive-minded to allow Olsson to run riot. Their danger man, Gustav Lindroth, who sounds more like a Bond villain than a football player, will be marked aggressively and shown onto his right foot as, according to my scouts, he doesn't seem to have one.

 

My lineup is one I have had in mind for a few months now with the exception of  my main Mans Carlsen, who played out of his skin during pre-season and deserves the nod before Patrik Ostlund.

We start brightly, moving the ball around with a bit of pace and intent but without really creating much. The new signings I have brought in will take a while to gel so it's not a huge surprise that they aren't reading each others runs and creativity. It will come, I hope.

This sums up the entire 1st half, really. Good passing play, 65% of the possession but with only 3 shots at the Hassleholm goal. I'll be honest, it's not a game for the neutral. Even I found myself staring into the depths of my hidden hip-flask more than the match itself. At half-time, I tell the boys to keep plugging away. It will come. I look at Robin, my star, and tell him to start trying more direct passing in behind the defence. Hopefully that, and the kick up the arse I gave him, will spark my midfield maestro into action.

Not wanting to disappoint, Robin makes an impact immediately. Picking the pall up in our own half, he drives into the space behind their midfield and runs at their defence. A well-timed pass through on the right wing, releases Mesic into the box. Dino Mesic takes a look up and spots the run of Carlsen and zips a ball across the ground. A fantastic block by Hassleholm's Svensson denies a beautifully worked goal.

Olsson is strutting around the pitch confidently now, reassuring the fans that his hefty 3.5k price tag was worth it. He fires a corner kick deep, passed the penalty spot, where Carlsen is lurking. Striking it 1st time, Carlsen unleashes a rocket towards the net. If it wasn't aimed straight at Johansson, Hassleholm's keeper, it would have been a fantastic shot. I am getting frustrated now, wondering if we will get the breakthrough we deserve. Turning to the bench, I ask Ostlund to warm up.

As Ostlund does his sprints, accompanied by Nilsson and Lundberg, Olsson is trying to drag our team into the lead. He combines nicely with Dino again to send him through on goal. Dino has all the composure of a wild Swedish Wolverine and ignores my shouts of "Take a touch!". Instead he hits it 1st time, straight into the keepers safe hands. I am livid: he had all the ****ing time in the world.

"That's it. Boys, get me a ****ing goal." I am throwing caution to the wind and sending on a trio of subs in an act that stinks of desperation.

So, off come Carlsen, Mesic and Johansson to be replaced by Ostlund, Nilsson and Lundberg. I am hoping they can make a name for themselves here. Scribe their names in the history books. Become more famous than The Three Musketeers, Harry, Ron and Hermione, The Powerpuff Girls and any other famous trio you can think of.

As the clock ticks on into injury time, though, the likelihood of this happening has dwindled. A last push up the park from Hassleholm looks set to be the final action from a frustrating game. That is, until Nilsson nicks the ball off Ranmo in the middle of the park.

"OUT WIDE!" I scream at him, pointing to the run of Lundberg down the right. Nilsson, the beautiful bastard, duly delivers and plays a lofted ball out to the wing. Lundberg looks up and seems to slow down time so he can assess the situation. Realising he doesn't have the vision for a long ball and with no other pressing options around him, he cuts inside and lays a simple ball off to Andrea Pirlo. I mean Olsson. Sorry, easy to get those 2 confused.

Olsson magnificently glides the ball over the defence and into the path of Patrik Ostlund, who shrugs off his defender and strolls into the box, before rounding the keeper to slot home. 1-0!

 

Patrik, and his fellow Musketeers, have done it. They have shrugged off the anguish of an opening day defeat and fed us the blind hope you get from winning. They might as well give us the title now.

[Apato13]

Cruising

Robin. ****ing. Olsson.

I didn't give him enough credit in the opening game. I'm putting it down to, perhaps, getting a little overexcited by my Three Musketeers comparison. Robin was on fire too though, easily the best player on the pitch by a country mile. If anyone is going to help Torns get their hands on the SSDEG cup (I don't even know if there is a cup. There has to be some sort of silverware. ****, i'll even take a fork), it's Olsson. I brought him into Nybro and he made an impact immediately - helping the team to 3 records along the way. Having taken him to Torns, I wasn't expecting him to keep up the consistency, but Jesus ****, he keeps on impressing. The whole team does, to be fair.

After 3 games we have won 2 and lost 1 - to Rappe Goif. The loss is an early blow and a reminder that we still have to work hard for the results to come. I set them on intensive defensive training and hire an extra fitness coach. I want to run the lads ragged so that they can outrun every single team in the league. The title will come down to which team is more determined and who can run harder. It WILL be us.

Everything seems to click after giving the boys the hair-dryer treatment. Robin Olsson and co. guide the team to a record-breaking unbeaten run of 9 games before finally slumping to a surprising defeat to Vimmerby at the end of June. 2 teams managed. 2 unbeaten records broken. This is ****ing easy.

28th April 2018 - Osterlen FF 0 - 2 Torns IF

5th May 2018 - Torns IF 3 - 2 BK Olympic

12th May 2018 - Prespa Birlik 1 - 2 Torns IF

19th May 2018 - Kalmar AIK 1 - 1 Torns IF

26th May 2018 - Torns IF 3 - 0 Nybro IF

2nd June 2018 - IFK Malmo 2 - 3 Torns IF

9th June 2018 - Torns IF 2 - 1 IFK Trelleborg

16th June 2018 - Hittarps IK 1 - 3 Torn IF

23rd June 2018 - Torns IF 2 - 2 Hogaborgs BK

30th June 2018 - Vimmerby IF 3 -1 Torns IF

You may notice a certain game that was close to the heart for me. That's right, I gubbed Nybro 3-0. Viktor didn't turn up for this one, which is a shame, but it didn't take anything away from the spanking I gave my old team. Johansson, Carlsen and Mesic made it 3 after 40 minutes! I almost felt bad, as it isn't the players that I ****ing hate with a passion. Viktor had better show up when Torns travel to the Victoriavallen in August.

 

Hopefully I will be in the same smug position then as I am now - top of the pile after half the season. 13 games left to get my grubby paws all over the coveted SSDEG cup/fork.

[Apato13]

Imbruglia

 

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel, I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

I know, I know. What the **** am I doing listening to Natalie Imbruglia's pop hit sensation 'Torn'? The answer to that lies deeper than the obvious Torn's pun (If you didn't even get that then, go on, **** off. My frighteningly clever wit is not for you).

I'm not just listening to this song, i'm ****ing living it. I am breathing in every **** lyric and embarrassingly relating to it on a number of levels. For instance, I am literally cold and shamed whilst lying naked on my floor. Before you ****ing start, i'm not some sick weirdo that just does a thing like that. I have been driven to it. Aye, sure, the last thing you knew was table-topping Torns IF and the unbeaten streak to set up their title winning season. My title winning season. That feels like a long time ago, though.

You're a little late, i'm already Torn.

 

7th July 2018 - IFK Hassleholm 1 - 0 Torns IF

Did these bastards not read the paper last month?! I am ****ing Torns. Unstoppable. Now, these ***** think that my defeat to Vimmerby last week makes me easy prey? Well it does, apparently. Torns rolled over and gave up in a worrying performance that saw just one shot on target.

 

14th July 2018 - Torns IF 2 - 0 IFK Berga

Needing to steady the ship after no wins in 3 games, I take a step back to the beginning of the season and use Moose, with a strong focus on the wings. Berga play horrendously narrow so I hoped to stretch them and put Akerlund and Lundberg to good use. Akerland delivered, and it was Lundberg's replacement Dino Mesic who solidified our win.

 

21st July 2018 Rappe Goif 3 - 0 Torns IF

Hello misery, my old pal. Where have you been this season? Rappe once again capitalise on a poor Torns performance and take us to the cleaners. I still have no idea what happened. The game was pretty even to be honest but Rappe were so clinical, with Jacob Petersson scoring 2. Totally dismantled and it's obvious that our form is really slipping.

 

28th July 2018 - Torns IF 2 - 2 Osterlen FF

Trying to entice our attacking prowess to come out and play, I switch back to Torn-ado. It pays off with the score 2-0 to Torns until the 82nd minute. 2-1. Then Fabian Karlsson fancies himself as an Osterlen legend and scores in the last minute. 2-2. Osterlen are, honestly, *****. To concede 2 goals in the last 8 minutes of a game is beyond a joke. Big drink, shrug it off...we have work to do.

 

4th August 2018 - BK Olympic 2 - 2 Torns IF

How can this happen 2 weeks in a row?! I swear I am going to **** all over the entire Swedish stash of lingonberries if we don't ****ing step up soon! For the billionth time this season, we lead with 10 minutes to go only to concede in the final 8 minutes. Joakim Sjoberg this time takes full advantage of my defence having their routine 82nd minute nap to secure a share of the points.

 

That result makes it 1 win in 7 games. Now, even this isn't enough to get me blind-drunk off Grouse, strip naked and cry all evening on my floor. I may be in 4th position but we still have 8 games left and are only 3 points off the top spot. I am still "Mr ****ing Optimism". I don't even give a flying **** if the board are circling over me like vultures, I can take those scrawny wee bellends. No, what has driven me to have Imbruglia on repeat is the knock on my office door this afternoon. Robin, attracting interest from teams like Lazio(!) in recent weeks, has decided that he is made for bigger an better things. And, you know what, he is right. Who am I to stand in the way of this lad's career? I tried to get him to stay, offering him a new contract in the process, but his mind was made up. Olsson is gone.

 

I'm all out of faith...