Bantam of the Operating System from The Future

[vikeologist]

In the year 2049, the world as we know it has collapsed in on itself; Famine, War, Leeds winning the Champions League.

Only one thing can prevent this dystopian future. A cyborg is sent back in time to manage Bradford City.

The necessary adaptations to the G1 series are made. Angry team talks are fine; executing underperforming players probably unhelpful, unless they’re on an expensive contract, or the G1 discovers which player is going to give birth to the saviour of humanity.

The cyborg is armed with the tactic that Leeds would use a little more than 30 years later to subvert the inherent laws of the Universe. The cyborg also has strength, speed, a super-human IQ , and is quite a good salsa dancer.

I am G1 and I am that cyborg.

The first obstacle was the interview. I forged a history as a professional footballer that my programming indicated was suitable for a club of Bradford’s size. Because of my flat vocal intonation and inability to convincingly recreate human emotions, the German owners felt an instant rapport with me and offered me the job.

I was pretty confident, because I’d managed Bradford on FM17 in the future. With the awesome computer power that we artificial intelligence overlords possess, the game runs amazingly quickly in 2049, sometimes taking less than a minute to process the results for a day.

 

So, wait. Hold on a moment. You’re telling me that the greatest manager in Bradford City history thought he was a robot.

Not a robot, an android. So, he wasn’t crazy at the beginning. His break with reality came on gradually throughout that first season. It was the last game of the season where his grip on sanity finally completely dissolved, but frankly we all went a little bit off the rails after that.

What happened in the last match? I’ve heard people mention it, but nobody will tell me what happened.

Well, remember I was there in 1985 for the fire, when people died. That was a genuine tragedy.   What happened in 2017 was just a football match. Nobody died. Still, I’m going to need a wee dram before we start. Just a football match or not, it’s still difficult to believe what happened, even after all this time. Anyway, I need to tell you what happened in the rest of the season before that final match...

Edited March 28, 2021 by vikeologist

[vikeologist]

We had good runs in all 3 cups, though they all ended disappointingly. Leeds beat us 3-2 in a League Cup match that we led twice. Sunderland U23 knocked us out of the Checktrade Cup at the QF stage on penalties, and then we lost to Blackburn in the FA Cup 4^th round after missing a penalty in the second half when the score was 0-0.

Sometimes it looked as though we were going to be promoted easily. Late in the season we had a 7 point lead over the team in second, but then lost 3 matches in a row, including against the teams in 2^nd and 3^rd, which really didn’t help. Our lead evaporated, but still with 3 matches to go we were in 2^nd and 4 points ahead of MK Dons in 3^rd.

Promotion at Sheffield Utd seemed possible, and we held a 1-0 lead. Everybody was defending but we conceded an equaliser in the 87^th minute. MK Dons won; a 2 point advantage with 2 matches to go.

Penultimate match against AFC Wimbledon. We’re in the lead again, 2-1 up, everybody defending again, and they equalise in injury time with a dodgy offside goal. Another draw, another MK win, now we’re only in 2^nd by dint of a much superior goal difference.

So the last match against Rochdale. We need to win or at least do as well as MK.

We go a goal down, out of the promotion places.

We equalise, back up to 2^nd.

We concede again, nothing is happening in the MK match, we’re down to 3^rd

We score 2-2.

Another goal, we’re 3-2 up, and it’s half-time. All we need to do is not concede another goal.

In the 48^th minute we receive word that MK Dons are losing. We’re winning, and they’re losing. We’re going to get promoted.

54^th minute, Rochdale equalise, and then 3 minutes later they score again. We’re still in 2^nd place though.

74^th minute we score. It’s 4-4, and MK Dons are still losing.

81^st minute, another Bradford goal. We’re 5-4 ahead. Surely it’s in the bag now. Form a shield wall.

Then in the 87^th minute Rochdale are awarded a penalty. Their guy hammers it and misses, smashing it against the crossbar. One of our defenders deflects the ball back towards the goal towards the goalkeeper who’s still on the ground after diving for the penalty. Our goalie manages to nudge the ball onto the post. Did it cross the line? It’s absolute chaos in the penalty are with everybody running towards the goalmouth and ball. Our defender tries to clear the ball, but slices it against the post where it bounces out to the feet of a Rochdale player who taps the ball home.

So it’s 5-5 now, but really who cares because MK Dons are still losing their match.

Oh, but they’re not because while we’re still waiting for the kickoff, word comes through that they’ve equalised.  It’s a bit worrying because now we’re only ahead on goal difference. Thank God there’s only 2 minutes left.

God, I’d like to make a request in writing to retract my previous appreciation, because in the 90^th minute, THE 90^TH MINUTE!!!!!, MK Dons score again. They’ve won 2-1. We’ve only drawn. We’ve missed out on automatic promotion after conceding goals and drawing in the final minutes of our last 3 matches. We’re going to have to go into the playoffs, but one look at the faces of the players shows that they’re not going to be able to come back from this. The manager, G1, is just sitting there, motionless, like a waxwork, And that is when he had a psychotic breakdown and started calling himself The Bantimator.

 

Edited March 28, 2021 by vikeologist

[tenthreeleader]

This is making me smile. 

[vikeologist]

I knew that using football players was going to be tricky. Many of my fellow cyborgs believe that they will never be capable of real independent thought, but I’ve always believed that they make nice pets. They’re loyal and affectionate, and well worth the trouble as long as you don’t mind clearing up their mess and stopping them humping every female they encounter.

But how were we going to recover from the disappointment of that 5-5 feckfust?

Our opponent in the playoffs was Bolton. In the away first leg, we lost 2-1, scoring first and then inevitably tossing away the match with their second goal coming in the 86^th minute.

Clearly something had to change. I decided to tell the players the truth about me to motivate them.

Understandably enough, some of them were sceptical and asked for proof, so I took out a knife and stabbed myself in the leg.

‘Gaffer, you’re bleeding,’ one claimed.

‘Its   just     machine    fluid,’ I reassured him.

Maybe taking them into my confidence was an extreme step, but it seemed to work as the second leg was a completely different affair which we won 3-0.

It’s fair to say that this helped the erase the memory of the regular season. For the supporters.

With the players of course, I had literally removed all those memories. There were side-effects; players not knowing their own names or not  remembering that they had a wife, though as I’ve alluded to previously, those weren’t the first times that some of the players had ‘forgotten’ that. 

Interestingly, with some of their memories removed, two supposedly straight players actually turned out to be gay and declared their love for each other, and it was nice that my cognitive-cloud adaptations turned out to have a pink lining.

All of this reprogramming and rebooting however would count for nothing unless we were able to close the deal by beating Scunthorpe in the final.

Things started badly when we let in an incredibly soft goal in the 26^th minute, but their lead only lasted 5 minutes before on-loan midfielder and my MVP for the season Josh Cullen rifled in a free-kick. I’ve watched the replay a few times and I still can’t tell whether the ball was deflected or just bent of its own volition, but in any case their goalie went one way and the ball went the other. 1-1

Then in the 70^th minute, another on-loan player, Hiwula, scored the winner. 2-1 - Final Score.

So relief all round, and we’re out of League 1.

I won’t be back.

 

Edited March 31, 2017 by vikeologist

[vikeologist]

Top Goalscorer – Charlie Wyke – 35

Best Average Rating Charlie Wyke / Josh Cullen 7.29

Man of Match – Charlie Wyke / Josh Cullen -7

MVP – Josh Cullen. In the off-season I spent almost every penny of my transfer kitty making him a permanent signing.

Season	Division				Position	Notes										
2016/7	League One				3rd		Promoted via playoffs