Richey Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 August 25th 2011 Tottenham training ground, Chigwell Suprisingly chipper after his disturbed nights sleep, Michael had enjoyed the drive to the training ground more than usual. The sun was out, and the hippies from last night he spotted dangling by their feet from trees in his driveway. He'd let them down later. The manager started off by making the players run aimlessly round a field, before they practised a bit of overloading defensively. Michael enjoyed this as it gave him a chance to show off, and be a bit patronising to young Gordon Lewis. The session ended with a five-a-side game on a small pitch, and Michael managed to score, which he was pleased about to a certain extent. He was enjoying training much more since Hao Hao had left. The young Chinaman was now performing quite well in France, but that didn't really matter, since he was dire during his season at White Hart Lane. Michael thoroughly missed sending Hao junk mail through the post. He reminisced over the time he had sent a large box of incontinence pants via the internet to him. He'd have to find someone else to pick on. In the showers, Landon Donovan was humming a song which sounded very catchy, so Michael sidled up to him and asked what it was. Landon looked a bit awkward, grunted and said that it didn't matter. How odd, thought Michael. He'd only asked what song it was. Never mind. He drove home feeling just a touch hurt, and because of this he decided to leave the protestors hanging by their feet, and decided to cheer himself up a bit by letting the fiercest lion loose in the garden to rough them up a little. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 August 25th 2011 Chez Dawson Michael was perplexed at Landon Donovan's secrecy, and it was bugging him. He cast it to the back of his mind, and ate his dinner, served by McHugh O'McScottish, who was being supported by an aluminium support frame and looked extremely painful. McHugh?, Michael enquired, Do you recognise this song? He hummed the bars of the tune he had heard of Landon in the showers, and McHugh suddenly looked sheepish. Och, nae. I dinnae know who that is.... er... I've never heard in me life. er..... honest And with that, the mortally wounded Scotsman hobbled off to try and find the lion and put it back in the house before it ate any of the protestors. Michael sipped a cool glass of strawberry milkshake and decided to just drop the whole thing, it wasn't worth the hassle of finding out if nobody wanted to tell him anyway. He finished his dinner, but not before he'd dribbled gravy all down his chin. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 August 26th 2011 Michael Dawson to Publish Book! Today, The Daily Rhetoric can exclusively reveal that Michael Dawson will today be approached in a multi-million pound offer to write an autobiography! It is believed that he will be asked to spill the beans on his relationship with globetrotting superstar Minty Tallulah, as well as that football stuff he does. Mainly, the publishers hope he'll just tell us a lot about Minty Tallulah that we can fill our gossip columns with. The publishers, Spoodge and Whilpernip confirmed that they propose to ask Mr. Dawson as regarding his interest in the matter. It will be a real boon to mankind if we can get some juicy gossip about a pop-star through some past-it footballer. We love you Michael! B.Broomstick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 August 26th 2011 Chez Dawson Reading the paper in the morning, Michael forced a smile. He was becoming quite the celebrity. His house was inundated with protesters, he'd dated a pop star, and now they wanted him to write about it. Munching on his toast, he leant back in his chair and decided to wait for the call to come. He could do with some more money anyhow, as he had dropped £40,000 by accident at the Post Office the day before. How careless. To while away the morning (there was no training) he loaded up his computer and started to play Championship Menagerie 4, the simulator which put him in charge of a top selection of animals, to try and guide to becoming the best collection of zoo creatures in the world. What a game. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 "Championship Menagerie 4" Genius! I've heard that Championship Menagerie 03/04 is a bit more playable though! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 26, 2003 Author Share Posted November 26, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vitchington: "Championship Menagerie 4" Genius! I've heard that Championship Menagerie 03/04 is a bit more playable though! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Thats absolutely true. Championship Menagerie 4 was riddled with bugs. All Michaels elephants turned into parrots after a year at the zoo, and the zoo expansion bug meant that his zoo was larger in size than Canada. Tragic shame really. Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 26, 2003 Author Share Posted November 26, 2003 August 30th 2011 Liverpool vs Tottenham This was a day Michael Dawson would strive to forget, after Liverpool scored 3 in the first ten minutes, and he was stretchered off after 23 with a suspected knee injury. Anthony Le Tallec burst through after 13 seconds to open the scoring after Lewis and Dawson were caught napping. Scottish youngster Keith Ferguson curled in from 35 yards a minute later, and on ten minutes scored a second after a missed tackle by Dawson allowed him a clear run on goal, which he converted with ease. Tottenhams problems in the game were compounded after Michael Dawson turned awkwardly on the turf as he received a ball from Richard Evans, the 'keeper. He looked in a lot of pain as he came off, clutching his knee and wincing. Tottenham to their credit scored a reply late in the second half through a David Head penalty, but the damage was done. A first defeat of the season, and an apparently serious injury to one of the best defenders in the league. More news as it comes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 26, 2003 Author Share Posted November 26, 2003 August 30th 2011 Liverpool General Hospital Michael lay in his hospital bed, wincing with pain, crying out for his Gnome. The doctors sedated him, and he calmed a little. He remembered being given some sort of anaesthetic, and everything went black. After waking, he felt completely groggy, but the pain in his kneecap was excruciating. He buzzed the little buzzy thing by his bead, and a Doctor clad in a trilby and colourful scarf emerged from a police box in the corner of the ward. Hello Michael, he purred, I am Doctor Hugh, and I'll be looking after you. Michael nodded somewhat pathetically and asked the doctor what was wrong with him. Ahhhh, cruciate ligament injury. Its been operated on, and you'll be alright except you'll be playing no football whatsoever for a year, maybe more. But its not the end of the workd you know, its a really nice day outside. Michael resisted the temptation to punch the doctor in the face. Spurs lost 3-1, by the way and all 3 conceded goals were your fault. I bid you good evening. Nurse Haggis will be up shortly to give you a bath. Michael went green. Nooooooooooooooooo!, he screamed. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 26, 2003 Author Share Posted November 26, 2003 August 31st 2011 Liverpool General Hospital, Psychiatric Wing Michael had admitted himself to the Psychiatric Wing after the bath administered to him by Nurse Haggis caused him to lose the power of independent thought and speech. Soap had gone in places Michael never knew existed, and he just couldn't shake the image printed into his brain of those large hairy hands. After a treatment of highly potent brain chemicals, Michael was passed fit to leave, although he was quite content to stay a little longer blowing bubbles in the corner. McHugh arrived in Michaels favourite car, his Aston Martin DB9 and transported him home. Michael noticed teeth marks on McHugh's head. Aye tha's nuthin Mike, just your Leopard collection treed to scalp me this mornin' Michael shrugged nonchalantly. Thats what McHugh was paid to do. He got home and found that the usual crop of Animal Rights Protesters were intermingled with press photographers desperate for pictures, and the full lowdown on Michaels knee. He got McHugh to carry him to bed, and the dour Scotsman with a high pitched Chinese accent tucked him up, where he fell asleep clutching Arthur the Gnome in his arms, waiting for tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 26, 2003 Author Share Posted November 26, 2003 Dawson Suffers New Injury, and Spends Day in Psychiatric Unit Michael Dawson's bad luck continued after his latest injury when he allegedly admitted himself to a Psychiatric Ward, albeit only for a day. Michael will be out for between 12 and 13 months, which will come as a blow to him as he will not be playing football again until he is approaching 29. Two years of his football career have been eradicated due to freak injuries, and we wonder just how long he'll be able to cope. His admission to a Psychiatric Ward came as no surprise to me, however as I always knew he was a total crackpot. I suspect Michael is losing it, and I, Boris Broomstick will lead the brave fight to see Michael committed to a lunatic asylum, so that he can fully receive treatment for whatever extreme problem he seems to be suffering. B.Broomstick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 September 1st 2011 Chez Dawson Michael sipped his morning coffee and chucked the paper away in disgust. How did the press get hold of the story of him being in a Psychiatric Unit. One of the Doctors, possibly doctor Hugh, had probably sold the tale to the tabloids. It was the last thing on Michaels mind, having suffered another career threatening injury, which had put a general dampener on things really. He had to rummage about for his old crutches to get around, and found that his technique wasn't as good as when he'd broken his leg. His knee felt as though someone was continuously bashing it with a spade, and every time he moved it he yelped in pain. There was nothing more he could do until the agony subsided, so he loaded up Championship Menagerie 4 on his laptop and decided to amble away the time making his zoo/farmyard the best in the world. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 Championship Menagerie 4 He loaded up a new game, and opted to open a farm, as opposed to a zoo. He named it MikeWerld (sic) and began by purchasing several cows for a nominal fee from a farm in Chesterfield. They quickly produced a set of baby calves who he sold to a large Japanese consortium in Tokyo for a hefty profit. This allowed him to invest in two Ring Tailed Lemurs, an ice-cream shop and a much needed toilet. He upped the entrance fees as people discovered the hidden delights of MikeWerld (sic) and this allowed him to put up razor wire fences to stop travelling folk from setting up a hippy commune by the newly acquired sheep barn. He was making a fair bit of money wheeling and dealing until he finished the year in 7th place in the 'League of Farms (UK Division)'. His second year proved a disaster. His cows were all poached. along with his sheep, by a Liverpudlian Zoo entrepreneur for a ridiculously low minimum release clause and he unwisely invested the money in Frankenstein masks for O.A.P's which didn't really catch on. Finally his only hope was that his Ring Tailed Lemurs started to breed as that would guarantee a lucrative profit, and maybe a designer footwear deal or two. After 3 years of frustration with his Lemurs failing to reproduce, he worked out the main root of the problem. His male Lemur was gay. At this point Michael lost patience with the game and threw his laptop out of the window. He would have to find some other way to amuse himself. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skuzzy Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 lol your an excellent writer... ive not read any of these stories before, but i thought id give this one a quick looksie, so i read the last post you made... have ended up reading about 15 posts.... but someone, please tell me...what does KUTGW mean Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 28, 2003 Author Share Posted November 28, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Skuzzy: lol your an excellent writer... ive not read any of these stories before, but i thought id give this one a quick looksie, so i read the last post you made... have ended up reading about 15 posts.... but someone, please tell me...what does KUTGW mean <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> cheers mate, i'm not too sure myself but i think it means keep up the good work! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted November 30, 2003 Share Posted November 30, 2003 it does oh and KUTGW Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 September 2nd 2011 Chez Dawson The phone rang, and Michael, somewhat startled, picked it up. Then he put it down again. It was still ringing. Intriguing. Finally, cracking the problem, he lifted the reciever up, but left the actual phone where it was on the table. This stopped the ringing sound, but produced a high speed chipmunk talking noise. He placed the reciever to his ear and the words became somewhat more coherent. Mikey daaaaahling, Horace here... Great, just what he needed. He grunted affirmatively in a manner which suggested that he frankly couldn't give a baboons backside Horace was on the line. ...I've had an offer Mikey. This could be big, and it could make me, er, you....er, us.... a lot of money. Grunting in the affirmative again, Michael absent mindedly picked his nose. Messrs Spoodge and Whilpernip of London would like you to write a biography of yourself. This could be big. They want lots of expose's on Minty Tallulah... Michael suddenly decided to speak... ...ah, i see, and I can write a bit about me and my wonderful career too? Horace had a mild attack of a wild hacking cough and said... errr... yes of course, just make sure the dirt on Minty's there too. Michael failed to see anything particularly wrong with the book offer. It was blatantly obvious to him the whole world thought he was wonderful, so he would doff his hat, pick up his quill and start writing. He would write in the style of Samuel Pepys - "Dear Diary, London caught fire today, went shopping, found a stray cow, brushed teeth, went to bed." He was daydreaming and Horace's voice brought him back to Earth. So Mikey, it's a £12m deal here. They want all the dirt. You have 3 months to write it. How's that? Can i seal the deal? Oh it has to be called 'Me and Minty'. Michael replied in the positive, and hung up. 'Me and Minty' eh? He immediately decided the public would much rather know about him that Minty, after all he was a very interesting fellow. After he had finished pondering, he went to find McHugh who had just finished painting a wall, and Michael pulled up a chair and spent a wonderful afternoon watching it dry. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 September 3rd 2011 Chez Dawson Michael awoke to see the autumn sun streaming in through his window and a large crate being deposited in his front yard by a gigantic crane. He hobbled downstairs, and then outside, careful not to agitate his knee and went to find out what all the fuss was. It turned out that a consignment of hippies had been mistakenly delivered to his house instead of to the chap over the next hill. This was too good a chance to miss, and with McHugh's help, he placed the 7 hippies on the roof with their bongo drums, and tie-dye t-shirts and straggly beards, and pushed them off the roof so that they all splatted on the floor below. It was most probably the best morning Michael had ever spent in his life. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LukeatNFFC Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Good, so far, but you've over-estimated Michael's intelligence...! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
I\'m Not Ruud Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Poor Michael..guess he's not having too much luck with that football career. And with the zookeeping either. I'm very amused by the story. You should write comedy or something. This is really, really good! Keep it up! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 September 6th 2011 Chez Dawson After sighing pointedly at Teletext for the last two hours at Tottenhams 4-1 defeat at Cardiff, Michael turned off the T.V and winced as his knee began to pound like anything. Gordon Lewis was a rubbish defender. He, Michael Dawson was the only reason Spurs were any good when he played. He was feeling slightly arrogant and was resenting his latest stupid injury. He'd be past it by the time he recovered. He may as well hand in a transfer request and play out the end of his playing career at Dagenham and Redbridge or something. He had been an expensive flop, but to make up for his feeling of anguish at that, his ludicrously high wages gave him something to smile about. He could no longer walk through his 4th guest bedroom as it was packed to the rafters with fresh crisp ten pound notes in bundles. The multi million pound book deal was going to come in handy too, He could redecorate the downstairs toilet with used five pound notes, or amuse himself by throwing money into the 'big cats' wing of the house to see if McHugh would risk his life for a boost of his weekly income. Bored, he loaded up another computer game on his laptop. This time he endeavored to play Chimp Manager 07/08, a game where he would take over as the agent of a small circus performing chimp and guide it to worldwide glory. It started well enough. He invested a lot of capital into a unicycle, and the chimps remarkable performances soon caught the eye of the Maldivian International Circus, where a 4 year stint ws signed. After blowing his yearly budget on funny exploding cigars for the chimp, he went into administration, gave up and resigned. Michael was bored. He needed football. He opted to go and watch Spurs take on Chelsea next week in a titanic struggle between two teams that used to be good. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 September 13th 2011 Tottenham vs Chelsea Before the game, footballer/lunatic Michael Dawson received a standing ovation from the crowd, and a large message of support over the tannoy. The game started lively enough, with both teams hitting the post in the first half hour. It took until the 56th minute for a goal, and it went Chelsea's way. Youssef Sofiane headed on a route one clearance by the 'keeper for Moses Ashikodi to toe poke past a stranded Richard Evans. Tottenham struggled to find a way back, and almost made it when Jamie Crosby headed a Ruslan Mostovoi corner against the bar. Chelsea had a late claim for a penalty turned down, and Ben May got sent off in the last minute for diving, after receiving a second yellow card. Michael Dawson looked distraught in the crowd, and Tottenham certainly missed his presence. the question is, can they function without the big guy? Probably not. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LukeatNFFC: Good, so far, but you've over-estimated Michael's intelligence...!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well, i shall have to make him a little more dim! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I'm Not Ruud: Poor Michael..guess he's not having too much luck with that football career. And with the zookeeping either. I'm very amused by the story. You should write comedy or something. This is really, really good! Keep it up!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Whilst Michael is committed to his football career, he has always been well into animals. Or maybe I should rephrase that. Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 September 29th 2011 Chez Dawson After weeks of putting it off, Michael finally started to write some of his biography. He had been driven to it really, by Spurs' recent dismal performances which had led to calls for the managers head and protests. They were now 16th in the table. Michael picked up his pen, a delightful golden nibbed fountain pen and began writing. I was born on the 18th of November, some years ago now, and little did the world know they had a future star in their midst. I was born to a Mormon and a model train enthusiast who found it difficult to cope with my birth. The main reason for their difficulties was that we lived in a dingy bedsit in Margate, with only one room. My mother, a devout Mormon left me and my father six years later, when i was a little bit older than 5, but not quite seven. Somewhere in the middle I think. It was difficult for me and my father after that. He found it difficult to accept me as his son as I was not a model train, and he couldn't find a serial number. When I was 12, I left home and got a job down t'mines. It wasn't a very productive job as the local mine had been shut for 14 years. The woman at the Job Centre had clearly been having me on. Still, I spent a lonely few months wandering about down there, eating old sandwiches and shivering with cold. Being a coal mine, It didn't have any wood for me to burn for warmth. It was only a few years ago I learnt that coal performed much the same function.... Michael stopped writing for now. It was going really well. He was sure to capture the hearts of the British public with this. To bask in the glow of his large ego even more, he went to retire to his gold plated bathroom, to bathe in Lions milk, the very height of luxury. McHugh didn't think so, but that was probably because his arm had been ripped off trying to get the milk off the lion in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 October 5th 2011 Chez Dawson Michael's ears picked up a familiar sound over the radio at breakfast time. He recognised the melody of a song. Now, where had he heard it before? Ah, now he knew, it was that song he'd been hearing people humming. He didn't know why they had been so secretive. He turned up the radio, and a sweet voice filled the room: I don't wanna wait, for my bread to be toasted, I want to know right now, what will it be? I don't wanna wait, for my bread to be toasted, Will it be burnt or will it be... Soggy? Do Do Doo Do Doobee Do Do Do Doo Do Doobee Do (X2) So open up your morning loaf, Say a little prayer for toast, You know that if we are to stay alive, Put Marmalade on every slice. Repeat All X3 Now Michael knew why people had been so secretive, it was the latest offering from Minty Tallulah and once again he put his bravest face on to combat the overwhelming feeling of pointlessness. Oh, how he needed her right now, in his time of injury stricken need. He listened as the rambling DJ announced the song was called 'I Don't Wanna Wait (For My Toast)' It was a truly beautiful song, and Michael felt inspired. He would start on the next chapter of his book, Minty Tallulah's voice dancing around his mind. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 October 12th 2011 Chez Dawson Finally, after a week of painstaking work, Michael had a completed second chapter of his story, a summary of how he had first come to be a football player. While writing, he failed to notice Spurs were bottom of the Premier League, with a sacked manager to boot. They were becoming the whipping boys of the league. Michael no-longer seemed to care, he was determined to become a giant of the literary world. I recall playing football with my father when i was 4, for the first time. I was punting a soft little ball around the lounge when he came in with his studs high and cracked my jawbone. We were a very competitive family. My mother, being a Mormon disapproved heartily, as in her mind having fun interfered with wearing long robes and muttering. Having never been keen on that particular pursuit I took to playing outside with little Jimmy from over the street, although that ended one summers afternoon when little Jimmy developed leprosy and lost his leg trying an overhead kick. It was about this time, as a 10 year old that i began playing for the local church side, although I found the nuns to be hard tacklers and foul mouthed. At 15 when I moved to Nottingham to look for work, 3 years after running away from home, I was spotted by the late, great Zblibliboxzy Speigniwecz, the man in charge of Youth development at Nottingham Forest. He offered me a youth contract after watching me put in a towering performance for my local Sunday League team, and from that day forth, I never looked back... He felt his literary skills were worthy of praise, and sat down to bask in his own glory. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 October 17th 2011 Sunderland vs Tottenham Michael Dawson was present today at the Stadium of Light to cheer on his Spurs team mates, currently profligate in front of goal, and in 19th place in the league. They started brightly with Crosby hitting a blistering long range shot that smacked the inside of the post but rolled along the line and was cleared by Joao Washington, the huge overweight Brazillian centre-back. Spurs went one down after half an hour when Argentine International Juan Sebastian Vaccarezza, a man with perhaps the hardest shot in world football today, smacked home from five yards. Spurs were visibly deflated, and two minutes later paid for it when debutant French teenager Felix Camara put through his own net when a corner from veteran Michael Gray whacked him in the knee. Half time approached and Sunderland were cruising. The second half began with Spurs sitting back, afraid to venture forward. Landon Donovan passed up a good chance when one on one with the 'keeper, but they got a piece of luck when the 'keeper fumbled the ball and Clark Keltie made no mistake. Sunderland extended their lead on 67 when Vaccarezza chipped Evans from miles out, which sealed the result for Sunderland. Managerless, rudderless Spurs then got a goal back when Felix Camara got into the box and squared for substitute Nico Kranjcar to thump in, but on 88 minutes it was too little too late. Dawson, watching in the crowds spent the whole game looking pained as the Spurs defence suffered catastrophe after catastrophe. It isn't too late for Spurs to save themselves, but don't bet on it. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 October 18th 2011 Chez Dawson After waking up, aching all over from sitting in the back of his Limo the previous night on the way back from Sunderland, Michael Dawson seriously considered handing in a transfer request. It seemed the team he had signed for were completely diabolical when he wasn't playing. It was stupidly illogical, as they'd actually been fine before he arrived. In fact he'd barely played. His Tottenham career had more holes in it that a large Swiss Cheese. Sighing, he picked up the Daily Rhetoric, ignored the picture of him on the front page falling asleep at the game the previous night (The headline read, "Is this the laziest man in Britain?") The second page revealed to his shock that the new manager of Spurs had been announced, the third boss since Michael had joined the club. The man was none other that former Ipswich boss George Burley. Michael didn't know how he felt about this, but logged onto the Internet, and entered in his personal profile that he was eager to please the new manager, was concerned about the club finances, and wanted a move. It made no sense whatsoever, but he did it anyway. There was just no sense pretending he wasn't stupid, when quite frankly, the statistics proved otherwise. Michael sat back in his chair, picked up his cup of tea and poured it down his ear. It was not the first time he had forgotten where his mouth was. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
The RingMaster Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Old repeats of 'Only Fools and Horses' are As is this story Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doddy Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 This is fantastic! It's not only a really good story with great characters, but really funny aswell. Some great one liners. Dawson needs to get a few friends, though Joe Cole wouldn't be be the wisest choice as he's obviously too intelligent for him! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 October 28th 2011 Alan Sugar Memorial Boardroom, White Hart Lane Michael couldn't really be bothered to go to meet the new manager, he was simply too busy at home. His latest Championship Menagerie game was really taking off and he could barely tear himself away from his laptop. Adding to that, his wild cats had been particularly frisky that week, and two lions had escaped from his grounds and mauled 3 farmers to death in the local pub. He escaped charges via a bizarre sub-clause in the law which allowed wild animals to kill people if it were on a licensed premises. Michael was somewhat relieved at that, although the quantity of hippies and animal rights protesters outside his front gate had grown more and more vociferous in the last few days. He currently found himself in the boardroom at Spurs in a meeting with George Burley, the new manager, and some bloke in a posh suit claiming to be a chairman. they were trying desperately to convince him not to hand in a transfer request on the grounds that if he wasn't injured every five minutes, Tottenham might be slightly better than they, in fact were. Michael listened attentively, yawned and left. The transfer request was immediately reacted to badly by half the squad, who had been listening in through the keyhole, and who suddenly as a generic whole decided they didn't like him anymore. Michael didn't care, he was going to go home, fetch some hippies and push them off the roof. He needed some entertainment, the pressures of football were just too much. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The RingMaster: Old repeats of 'Only Fools and Horses' are As is this story<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Heh heh, Only fools and horses is ace, but its on all the time! Glad you like the story! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Doddy: This is fantastic! It's not only a really good story with great characters, but really funny aswell. Some great one liners. Dawson needs to get a few friends, though Joe Cole wouldn't be be the wisest choice as he's obviously too intelligent for him!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Cheers, keep reading, as Michael seeks to make friends in a squad which quite frankly wants to tie him to a stick and burn him. Just like the 1500's! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 November 14th 2011 Chez Dawson Bottom of the league Tottenham. It just fitted perfectly. A weak squad, but oddly enough a squad that is still mostly intact from the Championship Winning side of a few years previously. Michael had woken up in a cold sweat that morning, as it had been announced on the BBC Breakfast News that Spurs were going to be signing towering English centre back Ian Cross from Dinamo Kiev when the transfer window opened in January for free. Could they really be preparing for life without him? he knew it was expected, what with putting in his transfer request, but he never expected Spurs to do anything about it. They's also agreed to sign Dmitriy Karenko, a young Ukranian left sided midfielder for a nominal fee, but Michael wasn't too bothered about it. He'd spent the month in hiding as the press were baying for his blood, branding him a traitor, and everything else under the sun. His publishing company had told him to keep up the controversy as it would help book sales when his 'piece de resistance' was released in January. Only Joe Cole, his true and loyal friend had anything good to say about Michael to the press, and had come round for tea on numerous occasions to discuss life, the universe and everything. He valued Joe as a friend not only because they had strikingly similar low intelligence patterns, but also because he really fancied his sister, Barry. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 November 15th 2011 Chez Dawson Michael sat down and wrote Chapter 6 of his book that morning. It was the chapter where he talked about the love of his life, Minty Tallulah... Minty was born in 1985, which made her a little bit younger than me, but from the moment we met, it was quite obvious we were going to be together forever, but then split up in a wholly tragic fashion. We'd flirted a bit over a long period of time, and there were press rumours she liked me. I was never surprised about this, as I am a fantastic guy. When I broke my leg, she was the first to send me a card, such was her love for me. We united briefly after that when she came round to my house and we shared a steamy cup of tea, and buttered some muffins. Soon after that she dumped me and we were estranged for quite some time. Out of the blue however she asked me to move away with her to another country. I declined on account of my career which has since disappeared to the back of beyond. We shared a few choice moments, and my life will never be the same again. for the rest of this chapter I will be talking about me, as I feel I am much more interesting. My right arm has 2,987 hairs, compared to my left, which contains 3,014. This wasn't always the case, in fact in 1997.... After an hour or two of self indulgence Michael was only stopped by the sound of a screaming Hippie being torn in two by a Siberian Tiger and a Leopard. Again, a little known sub clause in the law allowed animals to kill Hippies as long as they left their home-made shoes intact. Michael felt better than he had in a long time, although felt slightly concerned that Joe Cole was the only one who was going to turn up to his birthday party in a few days. His team-mates had held an invitation burning session a few days earlier, which worried him, but they were joking... weren't they? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 November 18th 2011 The Big Party Warehouse, North Lincoln Michael had hired out a large sized warehouse for his party, all the way up North, and ultimately had the worst day of his life bar none. At 3pm Joe Cole turned up, and Michael unwrapped his present, a CD of the greatest hits of recently deceased pop star Cliff Richard, who had disappeared after he was last seen crawling up his own backside. Joe's sister Barryella, or 'Barry' for short came too, but spent the entire afternoon drinking dry the tabletop stacked with whisky. That ruined his chances with her. At around half three, Lenny Pidgeley, the former Chelsea reserve goalkeeper turned up, but having forgotten his invitation was turned away. At around half four after a brief dance, Michael and Joe gave up, and drove home, whereupon Joe continued down to Southampton. Michael was gutted. Nobody had turned up, but why? He was great, and everyone loved him. He sat in his kitchen sobbing, and gazed out of the window, when all of a sudden there was a flash of light, a thudding of feet and a roar of an angry lion. A photographer had photographed Michael looking upset, but had been mauled by a lion trying to escape the grounds of his estate. Unfortunately for Michael, the valiant photographer had hurled his camera over the razor wire fence, where his colleague had caught it and run off. He was very worried now, and what on earth would the press have to say? He wasn't too worried about the photographer as due to a bizarre subsection of media law, it was ok for photographers to be mauled by lions as long as the lion didn't exceed a length of 2.7metres. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
I\'m Not Ruud Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Have you seen the article about Michael being wanted by Aston Villa? I cracked up when I saw that; it made me think of this story. I hope he's not really as dumb as he looks. Keep it up!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 November 19th 2011 Dawson's Birthday Tears Yesterday our valiant, but now deceased photographer captured a priceless picture from inside Michael Dawson's life. The footballer was seen to be crying, despite the fact it was his birthday. Speculation as to why he was crying is rife, but the favourite view here is that he was in tears because he was cutting up an onion. Onions, a vegetable, are known to have such an effect on people when cut. There is more on this on page 16 where we have an exclusive 9 page onion supplement. Close friend and confidante Joe Cole, remarked to reporters that, Michael was crying, which may be key to this whole investigation. What is for certain however, is that Michael was crying on his birthday. Buy the Daily Rhetoric tomorrow as well, as we have a further Onion exclusive. Former West Ham and England goalkeeper David James will sensationally reveal his long time struggle with the tearful vegetable. A mouthwatering quote from his astonishingly frank interview reads, I've never really been able to get a grip on Onions. Can we just drop the subject. If you don't, then I will. B.Broomstick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I'm Not Ruud: Have you seen the article about Michael being wanted by Aston Villa? I cracked up when I saw that; it made me think of this story. I hope he's not really as dumb as he looks. Keep it up!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yeah, I read that this morning, It cracked me up too. If he joins Villa it proves he must be a bit dim! :-) Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 November 20th 2011 Tottenham vs Southampton League leaders Southampton tore into Tottenham from the start this afternoon, with wing wizard, and England Captain Joe Cole pulling all the strings. On 6 minutes he darted down the left flank and crossed for Obafemi Martins to nod home his 15th of the season. Surprisingly, Spurs withstood the assault and pulled one back on the stroke of half time when Crosby broke on the half way line, raced towards Richard Wrights goal and smacked the ball against the crossbar. Lucky for Spurs, defended Gordon Lewis pounced on the rebound to send a scorching volley in from the edge of the area. Southampton were unlucky not to score more, and suffered what can only be described as a severe punishment when Crosby got felled in the box ten minutes from time. The little chap converted astutely, and Spurs won, perhaps unjustly. Man of the Match for Southampton Joe Cole was clearly disappointed with the way his team failed to convert chances, but jokingly suggested that it might provide Michael Dawson with a bit of Birthday cheer. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 December 17th 2011 Chez Dawson Chapter 9 of the book was coming along quite nicely, Michael felt. It was the final chapter of his 'magnum opus' and it detailed his struggle with injuries. In recent years my struggle with injury has been well documented. At the time of writing I have barely kicked a ball for over a year, and next year holds the same promise. I have been relatively injury free during my career, only suffering a strained neck, back in 2006/7. My broken leg was widely noticed, particularly by me, as it hurt an awful lot. I decided after a few months of being out that Spurs were rubbish as I wasn't playing. This strengthened my resolve to get back and play ball. One of the plus points of being injured is that one gets the chance to expand in other areas of life, such as love, and illegally kept wildcats. My latest injury, a cruciate ligament situation is going to keep me out for at least another 6/7 months, but I hope to be able to further improve my love life, and more illegal wild animals. Of course, during these tough times I can rely on my friends to help me through. Well, I could if I had any, but hopefully if this book is successful I'll make a few by association, and because famous authors always get to mix with a higher class of people as opposed to the sort of morons who watch football. No disrespect of course, to those morons... He typed away for an hour or so more, printed off the pages, put them in a folio and sent the whole book off to the publishers. It was ready a month before deadline, and Michael hoped he wasn't being too premature. He had high hopes for this book, and if it didn't make him the new darling of the literary world, then he would eat his hat. He flicked on teletext, saw Spurs losing 3-1 to fellow relegation strugglers Lincoln City, and turned it off. Michaels love for football seemed to be turning sour. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 January 5th 2012 F.A.Cup 3rd Round Bradford Park Avenue vs Tottenham Watching on television, Michael forced a grin as Spurs thrashed the Conference makeweights 7-0. It was the only thrashing Spurs were to administer that season, currently sitting in 18th place in the Premier League. Still, it was a welcome respite. New signing Dmitriy Karenko, playing on the left wing scored a debut hat-trick, and much to Michaels's consternation, new centre back Ian Cross performed with distinction, albeit against a team who couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo. The game started slowly, but Karenko got his first, from a 35 yard free kick which flew past Brian Knight in the Bradford PA goal on 18 minutes. A minute later Landon Donovan added a second after a mazy run ended with the ball bobbling into the goal. in the five minutes before half time, Gordon Lewis scored a header off a corner, and Karenko added his 2nd and 3rd; a free kick from the edge of the 'D' and a brilliant solo goal in which he took the ball the length of the field before slotting coolly past Brian Knight. the second hald was quieter, but on 73 Ben May rifled home from 15 yards, and secured his brace 5 minutes later with a diving header from a Freddy Adu cross. It was good entertainment, but Michael fell asleep afterwards as the BBC then opted to show another episode of Only Fools and Horses. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 January 28th 2012 Bestsellers List, January 2012, Sponsored by Hribnuts Books Ltd. 1. Lars and the Chocolate Body Paint - Miranda Randy 2. Exotic Nuts, A Tale of a Rogue Walnut - George Pearson-Blake 3. Minty and Me: My Wonderful Career - Michael Dawson 4. Brians Eyes - Gregor Polozkzkz 5. The Iliad and the Odyssey (Rap Reprint) - DJ Homer 6. Star Floors; A Complete Bibliography of Linoleum - J.R.R. Tolkien 7. Midgets Exposed! - Gerry Small 8. Giants Revealed! - Frank Bigg 9. Colin Powell and Me: Revealed! - G.W.Bush 10. The Dentists of Loughborough - Christopher Butler This weeks highest new entry is from the footballer/author Michael Dawson. In a show of astonishing frankness Michael reveals all about his life, from its humble beginnings up until the present day. His Minty Tallulah revelations shock us to the core, especially the knowledge that she was born some time in the 80's. If He can keep up this sharp literary prowess, Michael could become the next big thing. An astounding book, and much recommended. A hit at only £17.99. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 January 28th 2012 Chez Dawson During breakfast, Michael's jaw dropped and hit the floor with such a thump, it set off the lions and tigers who started viciously mauling McHugh, who was quietly delivering some food to the violent cats. Him, near the top of the bestsellers list? It sure took some beating! He was the new darling of the literary world. He decided to attempt to cultivate a more scholarly image from this day forth, and refer to himself in the third person. That usually impressed. Wow... He would be expected to write a follow up soon, and concluded that he would have to think up possible titles before long. But now, in this magical moment, he was going to bask in his own glory, and make some friends who only liked him because he'd written a book. Who needed these footballer-types. Bah Humbug, ruffians all of them. Michael was now the creme of society. With an adroit flourish, he donned a top hat, cane and opera cloak, and swished out of the house. He was on top of the world. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 11, 2003 Author Share Posted December 11, 2003 Authors Note: I'm not going to be able to update this at all really over the next 2/3 weeks as I am home for Christmas and internet access is minimal. Hope you guys are still reading. I'll be back after the break, with more from Michaels world of pain/fun/stupidness. Will he become a true literary darling? Will he ever get back to playing some serious football? Will he rekindle any form of a love life? I'll be back after the break. Cheers, Richey. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Have a great vacation Richey. I am thoroughly enjoying reading this and I will be waiting in breathless anticipation for the next installment. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
I\'m Not Ruud Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 No. 3?! Scandalous! Well, enjoy your break, and I look forward to following this story in the New Year. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I'm Not Ruud: No. 3?! Scandalous! Well, enjoy your break, and I look forward to following this story in the New Year.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I look forward to resuming it, i'm choc-full of ideas! Have a good xmas break Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BobBev: Have a great vacation Richey. I am thoroughly enjoying reading this and I will be waiting in breathless anticipation for the next installment.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I reckon i'll be back around January 5th! have a good xmas! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghostwriter Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 just read thru this and it is fantastic . very funny and surreal... looking forward to its imminent new year return Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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