Richey Posted November 10, 2003 Author Share Posted November 10, 2003 Michael treated himself with a trip to watch Spurs host Third Division Bristol City at home in the cup, as a way to dilute the sadness he was feeling at his loss of Minty Tallulah after an all too brief encounter. After 7 minutes he had reason to cheer when Adu embarked on a mazy run from midfield, made it all the way to the box before skewing his shot onto the post. Jermaine Jenas was on hand to pop it back into the net, and the ground erupted. After 17 minutes, the Spurs 'keeper Richard Evans, the Welsh international fouled young City forward Julius Gee, who slotted home the penalty with the arrogant fashion of a Frenchman hurling a fish at a wall. The game descended into a possession game in midfield with a few bookings being the order of the day. Michael started dreaming about Minty, but was stirred by the cheers when prolific youngster Jamie Crosby flicked in a near post header from a corner to put Spurs in front after 45. After half time, the half fit Landon Donovan came off for Ben May, who in a rare appearance managed to stake a claim for a more regular starting place with a spectacular second half brace. On 67 he punted in a speculative shot from 35 yards which left the City 'keeper with his backside firmly ensconced on the turf. On 87 a towering back post header looped high into the air before somehow sneaking in under the bar. It finished 4-1, and passage to the next round was guaranteed. Michael felt happy at this, but wished he was playing. Spurs were awful in the league, and were bound to lose to Chelsea next weekend. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 10, 2003 Author Share Posted November 10, 2003 February 19th 2011 Chez Dawson As susepected, Spurs had lost that game against Chelsea 4-0, and had lost a few others too, and were rather rubbishly in 14th place. To detract from his disappointment, he had popped down to Camden Market to get some pirate DVD's to watch. When he got home, and popped them in the DVD drive he realised he had purchased Long John Silver: The Movie starring Martin Clunes and Samuel L. Jackson as the voice of his parrot (the parrot with 'attitude'), and he had also purchased Swashbuckling for Beginners, narrated by Mr T from the A-Team. It was the wrong sort of pirate DVD. He then remembered that he had been charged 17 golden doubloons and a bag of silver for them. Oh he felt such a fool. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 10, 2003 Author Share Posted November 10, 2003 March 2011 Gulbuddin Hekmatyars Coffee House, Hackney Having a quiet muffin and pot of tea at this friendly establishment, Michael mused over the still painful loss of Minty Tallulah, the love of his life. She had not been seen in public for quite some time, and was rumoured to be penning some new songs for an album at an unspecified location in Cornwall, with well known rap maestro DJ Mr Kool Songz Bo Yeah Rewind. He sighed and looked at the wall, decorated with pictures of Gulbuddin during his days as Mayor of Kabul during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. The man himself, in a marvellous frilly apron brought him out a delightfully dressed scone and pranced out of the back door again. Gratefully, Michael perused upon the scone as though it were a hat waiting to be worn. He decided that he needed to get over Minty, and fast. Besides, his cast was coming off soon and he'd be able to do light training. He put his coat on, finished his tea, and lingeringly glanced at Gulbuddins favourite picture, the one illustration that he was the only mayor ever to bomb his own city. He left £3.26 on the table for the reformed rebel-cum-teashop owner. Later at home, Michael prised open his plaster cast and looked down at his leg. It was looking better. He looked forward to washing the manky bits off and starting the long process of getting over Minty. He flicked on teletext to see Spurs were beating Norwich 1-0 and cheered, and high-fived his gnome. Life, was perhaps getting better. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 April 12th 2011 Darren Anderton Memorial Physiotherapy Centre, White Hart Lane Proudly limping into the Physiotherapy centre, named after the Spurs icon who had all the injuries ever known to man, Dawson was met by the club physio and sat on his knee. Son, you're looking good. Your leg, although pale and flaky is well on the road to recovery and we're going to try some light exercises. Super-duper, thought Michael, as he propped his crutches against the Paul Gascoigne Memorial Bar doors. Slowly, and obviously in more than a little pain, Michael hobbled across the room, as the physio cheered him on. When he'd got to the opposite side of the room he was sweating like a cauliflower in a car wash. Feeling pleased with himself, Michael and the Physio did some muscle warming exercises and after an hour, he summoned his chauffeur, McHugh O'McScottish to drive him back to his palatial country pile for a bit of relaxation. On the way back, he became engrossed in conversation with the high pitch voiced, but dour Scotsman with a Chinese accent all about Spurs' current fortune. Aye laddie, they need ye back arrr harrrrrr Michael nodded in concurrence. Its a big lood of doggy doo's at the moment. I cannae believe we're only 8th, after winning the league only a few years ago now. Gazing melodramatically out of the window, Michael thought about the run in. Spurs had 5 games left, against relegation fodder opposition and had the chance to finish as high as sixth. which would be considered more than adequate after a mediocre season. He felt good about the next season, with a good few youngsters making a name for themselves, such as Jamie Crosby. He'd be back too, to shore up a defence that had conceded more goals than there are fish in the sea (excluding the Dead Sea because it is too salty.) On the International front, England were almost definitely going to qualify for Euro 2012, and the defence was meaner than an angry bee. It was unlikely he'd make it back to the International fold. Nevertheless, he was on the road to recovery. Actually, he was on the motorway but for the sake of literature that's not relevant. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 May 2011 Horace Hodgkinsons Office Michael was in Horace's office, showing his displeasure at Spurs' performances this season. Having lost 3 and drawn 2 of their final games, Spurs finished a woeful 10th. As well as that, the Euro campaign had ended months too early and domestic cup runs had been disastrous, especially the FA Cup, in which Spurs had been knocked out in the 5th round by 3rd Division Rochdale. Horace told him that QPR of Division One were interested, and that Bordeaux of France had also expressed an interest. Michael recommended to Hodgkinson that he would only move to QPR if all the clubs in the world suddenly exploded and QPR were the only team left. As for Bordeaux, he could see himself in a beret, and cultivating Onions. It didn't really bug him that he had been injured and hadn't played any part in helping Spurs this season. He felt slightly detatched from all that. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 July 2011 Chez Dawson Gazing over Boris Broomstick's column in the paper, Dawson read that a bid for him from Birmingham City had been turned down as it was £5m below what Spurs wanted. He wasn't too bothered though, as Birmingham was a really crap place. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 July 12 2011 Darren Anderton Memorial Physiotherapy Centre, White Hart Lane Having played in a few warm up games and team exercises, Michael felt good. It was only a matter of days before he was given the all clear. His estimated injusry recovery time of 10 months had been exceeded by another month owing to the extra physiotherapy he had been given. He was feeling good, and Spurs had some friendlies lined up, including a choice tie against Real Madrid. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 July 13th 2011 Chez Dawson Hurrah! screamed Michael as he ran into his house, as he had been given the all clear to restart full training. He was feeling over the moon. But lo..... A letter lay perched on his doormat, in the manner of a swan crouching down to eat a worm. Intrigued, Michael peeled open the envelope and peered inside. Inside the envelope was a piece of paper with writing on it. It looked uncannily like a note of some sort. Walking into the kitchen, he sat down, his heart a flutter. Could it be? Could this letter be from Minty? He looked once more at the front of the envelope and read the logo in the top left hand corner. It read: The Unco-operative Bank. His heart sank, but there was always a possibility she had changed her name. He read the daintily printed note: Dear Mr. Dawson, We would like to offer you a platinum credit card. It has an APR of 99%. You're probably not interested though. I don't know why we send these letters out to people. I can't think of anybody who's ever replied to one. Just throw it in the bin or something. We don't care. Yours Sincerely, Miss Crendula Criggins. Well, that was a bit of a let down. The credit card sounded a good deal though. He popped an application for it in the post. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 July 14th 2011 Michael's Car, on the way to Chigwell Training Ground Sitting in his luxury chauffeur driven car, Michael responded to a question posed by McHugh O'McScottish as to the relevance of the fact that the human being shares most of it's DNA with fruit such as bananas. Don't be silly, old bean. Now drive the car properly and do what you're paid to do. McHugh complied, but asked in his extrordinary dour high pitched Chinese accent exactly what Michael was planning to do once he got to training, as his mooted move to Bordeaux had made some of the other players a bit upset. Michael shrugged. Once they got there, Michael got out of his car, patted McHugh on the head and rubbed his delightful little chin as skipped off to the changing room. Everyone ignored him, apart from Hao Hao who just disliked him for some other reason. The manager came in, and announced that Michael was in the squad in his first start in a year, against Oldham Athletic in a few days. He couldn't wait. Also he'd found out his credit card application had been successful, and in a few days he would be in possession of an amazing piece of plastic that he didn't really need. He felt very happy indeed. After training he decided he would pop round to Gulbuddin's tea shop and have a small piece of toast, with jam to celebrate. Hooray for Michael. Nothing could go wrong now, could it? *Loud Crash. Evil Cackling, and the sound of nasty minions shrilly laughing. Followed by more loud crashing and a big loud soggy 'pop'* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 July 15th 2011 Chez Dawson Michael picked up the latest issue of PlastikPop magazine, and was intrigued to find a review of the new Minty Tallulah album. It brought back a lot of painful memories for Michael, who went and sat in the living room, huddled up in a corner, and read the review. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 PlastikPop Magazine Reviews Number 6: 'Yeast Extract' by Minty Tallulah An exciting new album by the chirpy songstress is our top tip for this week. Based around the theme of bread, the songs all detail Minty's fondness for the multi-purpose food item. Such glittery pop anthems as 'There's No Bread Better Than You' highlights Minty's development in her singing voice. She is sounding a lot more grown up too, using rhyming couplets to an ingenius level. She sings in the second verse, "If i didn't have bread, i might be dead". Stunning. Also included is an anthem for her unrequited love, Michael Dawson, the football bloke. This sweet ballad is entitled, "Michael Row the Loaf Ashore". The heartfelt lyrics clearly point to her feelings for the perma-crocked footballer. Other highlights such as, "Put It In The Oven For A Bit" and, "To Slice or Not To Slice" stand out very well, but the album is let down by a weak ending, notably in the form of the title track, "Yeast Extract", in which Minty sings all about how Yeast makes bread rise when it goes in the oven. The song is based around a repetitive hook line of, Yeast goes in, Bread goes up... etc" which gets really boring after a while. The overall rating for this has to be a sterling 8/10 Reviewer: D.Dribble Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 Overcome with rediscovered feelings of love, Michael's heart burst into song. She had written a song about him. She loved him still. His soul jumped for joy as he raced around the house looking for his phone. He dialed her number. And... It was her answerphone. Hi, sorry I'm not here at the moment. In fact, I won't be for a while, as I died last night in a tragic incident involving a fruit blender and a hose. Leave a message after the beep. Oh God, the one thing Michael loved in all the world had died. He checked the number again. Phew! he'd dialed the wrong number. Feeling happy again, he dialed the correct number. While doing so, he realised the number he'd dialed earlier was that of his Uncle Phil. Oh well. Couldn't be helped. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 July 15th 2011 Cloud 9 Feeling happy at the fact that Minty had apologised for weirding on him a while back, and that she was going to meet him at Gulbuddin's tea shop in a weeks time, Michael found himself on Cloud Nine. His luck was up again. Back to fitness, and playing again in a few days, the love of his life reconciled and a spanking new credit card to play with. Nothing could ruin his run of good form surely. He was.... Invincible!* *Not really, as we'll soon find out. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 July 17th 2011 Tottenham v Oldham Athletic Spurs entertained First Division Oldham in a match which heralded Michael Dawson's return from injury. Something that had kept him out for a year. Oldham did all the early running, with Division One's best player, Alexander Farnerud, who had stuck with Oldham through promotion to the Premier League six years back, and even painful relegation a year later. After 35 minutes, Oldham took the lead with a fantastic curler from the edge of the box, which entered the net at the speed of an exocet. The scorer? Farnerud. This spurred Spurs (great alitteration eh?) on to create a goal of their own a few minutes later, when Jamie Crosby scrambled in a loose ball. On 60 minutes, Crosby slammed home a second from a Michael Dawson through ball, and on 80 minutes, the man himself, Michael Dawson got desperately close, his header ricocheting off the bar from close range. The final score was 2-1, and Michael had played a confident 90 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 July 18th 2011 Sports Roundup with Boris Yesterday's friendly action saw Bournemouth wallop a second string Manchester United 6-3, with talented young Dane, Per Olsen grabbing a hat trick... Esther Rantzen had a tooth kidnapped while watching Grimsby v Chester. Fortunately the thief was caught, castrated and hung from the cross bar by his feet. God bless Esther. Finally, Michael Dawson made a triumphant return from injury yesterday playing moderately well for a Tottenham team down in the doldrums. A source of mine, however tells me he smells quite bad up close. More on that as it happens. B.Broomstick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LukeatNFFC Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Better than Rio! Shame about Mikey playing for Spurs though...and also a shame he's s**t on the new CM. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LukeatNFFC: Better than Rio! Shame about Mikey playing for Spurs though...and also a shame he's s**t on the new CM.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Is he? I'll have to check that out when i get it! It'll be worth a look! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 July 22nd 2011 Gulbuddin Hekmatyar's Tea Shop Glancing nervously at his watch, Michael sipped a cup of tea, and worried about meeting Minty. What would happen if she didn't like his choice of restaurant? He had asked Gulbuddin to provide some extra doilies, and to add more frilly bits to the fancy net curtains. Shortly after 10am, a large black Rolls Royce pulled up outside with a 70 strong armed guard squadron. They pointed their guns at passers by, and 3 little old ladies were blown to smithereens by shrapnel from an exploding grenade which bounced into a knitting shop 3 doors down. Minty sashayed from the car, as her guards protected her by mowing down the general public in the vicinity with high tech weapons. Entering the cafe, she gave a warm smile at Michael, and ordered a cream filled doughnut and a small mug of hot chocolate, frothed, with little sprinkly bits. She sat down gracefully in her chair, and extended her arm for Michael to lick if he so desired. His heart stopped. This was it! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Is this the new Benny??? Great stuff Richey Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BobBev: Is this the new Benny??? Great stuff Richey <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Thanks, glad you like it! Hope I can keep writing until we get to the next phase of Michael Dawson's injury nightmare! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 July 22nd 2011 Gulbuddin Hekmatyar's Tea Shop ...The elusive Minty Tallulah whispered gently into Michael's ear. I'm going on a world tour tomorrow, and then I'm going to live in Australia. Join me there. Or don't. Well, that's up to you really. Michael was stunned. His football career was nearly back on track. He couldn't just leave. Being very brave and cool, he told Minty that he would not be able to go to Australia, as he wanted to resume his football career, and become a legend. She nodded curtly, finished her doughnut, and left. The faintest trace of a tear trickled down her face. Oh the tragedy of unrequited, unfulfilled love. She left the tea shop, and quite obviously being upset, her guards made sure she was adequately protected from media intrusion by using their laser assault rifles to pick off seven journalists, who were in the fourth floor of a local book depository. Distraught, Michael walked home, called his agent Horace, for a chat, and spent the evening drowning his sorrows in strawberry milkshake, holding his friendly Gnomal chum as a comfort blanket. Minty truly loved him, but he had ruined it. Meanwhile Minty Tallulah arranged her next single release from her album as "Michael Row the Loaf Ashore", as a testament for her undying love. Michael got his head down, did some weight training, and prepared for another friendly, this time against Inter Milan in Italy. It was a good excuse for a holiday too. He had to be at the airport early in the morning, so after he finished training, he went to bed, and read his favourite My Little Pony omnibus edition. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 July 23rd 2011 On a plane, going to Milan Michael came to the conclusion that God hated him, as on the plane, he was denied a window seat. This wasn't too bad admittedly, except it was Hao Hao who was sitting there, and he had to sit next to him. The young Chinese starlet and Michael hated each other. Almost as if he was doing it on purpose, Hao was listening to Minty Tallulah's new album on his MP3 player, with "Michael Row the Loaf Ashore" going at full volume. Michael couldn't help but hear the soft mournful lyrics: Michael row the loaf ashore, Hallelujah, Michael row the loaf ashore, Hallelujah, Michael row the loaf ashore, Hallelujah, oh Michael, I want a farmhouse loaf with poppy seeds on top, Hallelujah... It was too much for him and he snapped. He punched Hao in the kneecap, and a scuffle broke out in the plane. After they had both been split up, Michael found himself seated next to someone who he liked, but was slightly on the immature side. Young prodigy Jamie Crosby sat next to him, blowing bubblegum and playing video games on a certain well known hand held device. He had his walkman blaring out the greatest hits of long-melted pop supremo Michael Jackson, who the previous year had melted while trying to get a roast chicken out of the oven for Sunday lunch. He studied the team sheet handed round by Keegan and noted that he was playing in defence alongside a new signing. He must have been asleep when it happened, for the new signing was none other than the cheeky little imp who had usurped his World Cup spot, Gordon Lewis, now 19 and apparently a £2.9m capture from financially impoverished Notts County, who had avoided relegation from the Premier League by the hair of their buttocks. Not literally of course. Michael sighed, and gazed out of the window at the Italian fields. Football was indeed a funny old game, he mused, echoing the words of the late Jimmy Greaves. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 14, 2003 Author Share Posted November 14, 2003 Milan International Airport Stepping through the main doors of the newly finished airport, (The old one had disappeared in a large tub of hair gel.) Michael breathed in the warm Italian hair. It was fantastic. Waiting outside, already in the team coach waiting to leave for the hotel, was Gordon Lewis. Michael Dawson suddenly felt an urge to prod him vicously in the eye, but didn't, and smiled weakly at the young, excited looking, cross eyed defender. Michael decided to prove what a good defender he really was. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peacemaker7 Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Congratulations, new story of the week Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Well done Richey - a quality read Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Yeah, quality labels it well Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 ROFL, this is excellent stuff here. Deserved story of the week imo. Keep it up Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 Wow! Story of the week! Me? More updates tomorrow - i left my notes at home today! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 This is brilliant - if only 'Yeast Extract' was available to buy Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 July 22nd 2011 Milan Michael sat around with the rest of the squad in one of those little street cafe's drinking those hideous Coffees with foam, and pondered for a minute. The last year, he had been earning £30,000 a week and, minus tax, he had a considerable amount left, sitting around his house, in great big bundles. He decided that it may be worth investing. That way, he would still have the money, only it would be off somewhere else increasing, or decreasing in value, leaving enough room in his house for him to walk about without falling over a bundle of cash. He called Horace: Hi Daaaahling mwah, mwah, what can i doooo for you Mikey D? Ignoring Horace's gushing stupidness, Michael placed his request. Horace, I've got about a million quid to invest. Find me something useful to do with it. Mikey Daaaaahling, simply fabulous. I'll get back to you, Ciao. Mwah. Super. Michael sipped some frothy coffee, gagged, spat it out and went off to look at some designer boutiques. Hopefully his money would start doing something useful for him. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: This is brilliant - if only 'Yeast Extract' was available to buy <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I'll try get you a signed copy. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 July 24th 2011 Inter Milan vs Tottenham Hotspur Spurs put up a decent performance against Inter, but ultimately went down 4-2. Jamie Crosby shot Spurs into a 5th minute lead, collecting a Clark Keltie cross in the area, turning and firing past the stranded Pellizoli in the Inter goal. Inter then obviously took offence at this and stormed the Tottenham goal, eventually scoring through Antonio Cassano on 34 and 44 minutes. The first was a belting 25 yarder, and the second was a tap in after good work from the Japanese talisman, the evergreen Hidetoshi Nakata. The second half began with a goal for Inter on 48 from Nakata who headed in expertly at the near post from a corner. Tottenham pulled one back on 77 through Luke Chadwick after a marvellous cross field hoof from Michael Dawson. Inter sealed it on 90, with Nakata finding the target with a free kick from the edge of the box after Cristiano Zanetti had blatantly dived at Michael Dawson's feet. Michael felt his performance smelled of old socks, and so did Keegan, who shook his head at some of Michael's defensive work. On the plus side, Gordon Lewis was also fairly poor. Keegan put the poor defensive performance down to lack of communication between efenders who'd never played together before. Oh well. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 July 25th 2011 Milan Michael had that morning recieved a phone call from Horace telling him that his wads of cash had been collected by a removal company for investment. They used seventeen skips, and blocked up the M25 motorway taking it into London. Michael was intrigued to hear that his money was now firmly invested in 'Bobs Pianos Ltd', which was, according to Horace, a big name in the piano construction world, a business which was on the up. Happy with Horaces reasoning, Michael OK'd the deal and sat down to read the Gazetta Della Hair-gel in a piazza down a little cobbly street. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 August 1st 2011 Esther Rantzen Shot Dead on African Game Reserve! Britain, and the world has today been mourning the loss of it's greatest television personality. Last night, on a large game reserve in Kenya, Miss Rantzen was found dead underneath a large tree, both gigantic front teeth removed. It is initially believed that she was shot for her Ivory, the substance wholly prevalent in her massive teeth. Miss Rantzen was on one of her many tours of the Savannah of Kenya, where she roamed around with elephants, fitting in with her massive tusk-like gnashers. Unscrupulous poachers have been shooting elephants here for years for Ivory, and it is believed that Esther Rantzen met the same fate. It is a sad day for all those who loved the star, with her 'heart of gold'. Vengeance will be had, and of that I am sure. Initial indications are that the Ivory has been dispatched to England by the poachers, most probably to be used on Piano Keys. We urge anyone buying a piano to be on the lookout. Here's to the memory of our beloved Queen of Hearts. Hermann Flicklehurst Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 August 1st 2011 Chez Dawson Michael looked up from the kitchen table where he had been reading the morning paper, and he looked visibly green. He called up his agent Horace, who denied knowing him and put on a fake Jamaican accent in order to confuse Michael, except it didn't work. He was worried. The fact that Horace was acting so strangely, and that the piano making industry was being cited as a part of the hideous crime perpetrated against Esther Rantzen, all led to Michael putting 2 and 2 together. He had a horrible suspicion that his new investment, 'Bobs Pianos Ltd' was going to be at the centre of the storm. More worryingly, there was nothing he could do about it. Michael walked to his living room, and braced himself for the full fury of the press. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 August 2nd 2011 Michael Dawson, Axe Murderer! On the 31st July Esther Rantzen was shot dead in Kenya for her mammoth-sized Ivory teeth. The precise villains are unknown, but what is true, is that footballer Michael Dawson is to blame. Why? Because he is the majority shareholder in 'Bobs Pianos Ltd' in Streatham High Street, London. The Ivory from the teeth has reportedly been imported by Mr. Bob Piano for use on his piano keys. Although, because Michael Dawson is not directly involved, and because he had no way of knowing about Mr. Bob Piano's unscrupulous activities, we'll blame him anyway as he is quite famous, and on TV a lot. Lets all boo him this afternoon when he takes to the field for Tottenham's final pre-season friendly at home to Gillingham. B.Broomstick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 August 2nd 2011 Tottenham v Gillingham In their final warm up game, Tottenham drew 1-1 with Gillingham, who have established a reputation as being very tough to beat. The Gills took an early lead through Magnus Myklebust, who tapped in after his initial effort had been saved. Tottenham responded 5 minutes later on 19 minutes through Nico Kranjcar who burst through after being teed up by the other perennial substitute Ben May and bent the ball around the onrushing Isaakson. Michael Dawson put in a good performance in response to the boos that echoed round the stadium in reference to the scandal of Esther Rantzen and her missing Ivory. The latest news of which is still filtering through. It looks as though it is entirely possible 'Bobs Pianos Ltd' could be completely innocent. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 August 3rd 2011 Chez Dawson Michael sat down to his morning paper and breathed a palpable sigh of relief. The front page of the Daily Rhetoric reported that Ms. Rantzens missing Ivory teeth had been found at an Ivory carving emporium in Hampstead Heath. Wow, he was off the hook. It felt good. He decided to end this investment malarkey, it was proving way too risky, besides, his mattress didn't feel the same without all his money stashed underneath it. He dialled Horace, hoping the man wasn't going to avoid him today. Michael daaaaaaaahling, how've you been. Mwah, Mwah! I thought you'd disappeared off the face of the earth! Yes Horace, what were you doing the other day when I tried to call? Why the false accent? Horace gulped loudly Mikey, Mikey baby, you've got to understand.... it was the.... wrong number. You dialled.... next door. Michael could spot a liar a mile off. He changed the subject. So Horace, I'd like to withdraw my investments. It's proving too risky. Of course, daaaaaahling, but my fee is 5% of £1million, which makes, errr..... £850,000. Righty ho Michael couldn't see anything wrong with that. It seemed about right. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 August 11th 2011 Gulbuddin Hekmatyars Tea Shop Sipping a cup of very pleasant tea, Michael entered into a lively discussion with Gulbuddin about football. ... you see, Gulbuddin, the worst player ever to play for Tottenham, has to be, without a doubt, Hao Hao. Gulbuddin shook his head in agreement. Well my friend, you must be glad he's up for sale then Michael looked stunned. Then the corners of his mouth creased upwards into a goofy sort of grin. Gulbuddin my old friend, you are remarkably well informed. How do you know? The wizened former Afghan rebel waved his finger in the air; You see Michael, My good friend David O'Leary, manager at Rushden and Diamonds, has a secret surveillance kit I supplied to him, in the boardroom of Marseilles, for....errr... my own 'personal' reasons. He said he heard that Ruud Gullit, the manager there is interested in him. For no less than £3million. There's also a new Ice Cream refrigerator in it for me. Michael pulled Arthur the gnome out of his bag and hugged him. This could be the end of his nightmare with the cheeky chappie, who disliked him so much. Was this the happiest day of his life? Even happier than his Minty Tallulah encounters? If Hao left, then Michael would be on top of the world. Heck, maybe he'd withdraw his comment regarding his displeasure at Tottenham's low league position. Michael felt good. He paid Gulbuddin, went outside, narrowly avoided being stabbed in the leg by a mad midget and skipped all the way home. Then he skipped all the way back as he left his house keys on the counter of the tea shop. So he ended up just getting a taxi home. Talk about anticlimatic... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 August 12th 2011 Chez Dawson With what can be described as a fair degree of lament, Michael sat down to watch The Hitz Show on Channel 6 (a new channel founded in 2007, aimed at the intellectually impaired). Minty Tallulah was performing, via video link her latest Number One smash hit, "There's No Bread Better Than You". He sunk into his big comfortable chair, with a can of non-alcoholic water, and Arthur the Gnome and listened to the storming pop genius of his former sweetheart. The reason he was watching was to test his will... to see if he was over the warbling songstress. The beat kicked in... Yeah, bread!, Yeah bread! If I didn't have it, I'd be dead! I need a split-tin loaf, maybe with poppy seeds Oven baked, eager to please, You know what I'm saying? There's no bread better than you! I'm not a fan of croissants, or muffins, or even crumpets, The yeas extract is minimal! Minimal! Oh yeah! Not much yeast involved in the baking of these goods and... If I didn't have bread I might be dead! Six feet underground, with no bread to keep me going I.... Neeeeeed.... Bread! The woman was sheer lyrical genius. The song had a rippling bassline and some wonderful squelchy noises. A tear came to Michaels eye and his lip quivered faintly. But he realised he'd be ok. He was feeling a lot better. His grief was finally going to be controlled. He was feeling liberated! Hurray! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 20, 2003 Author Share Posted November 20, 2003 Football Roolz Ok - The Weekly Football Magazine. Season Preview Tottenham Hotspur Undergoing a period of transition under recently installed Kevin Keegan, Spurs have been woeful this last season. The finish was simply unacceptable for a team expected to finish in the top 4. The goal is expertly patrolled by Richard Lewis, the Welsh number one, who shows maturity beyond his young years. Michael Dawson is back this year to marshal a defence that last season looked poor. Gordon Lewis has been signed to help him, although dressing room friction between the two would not be unexpected considering Lewis robbed Dawson's World Cup spot. The Midfield looks to be distictly 'journeyman' in profile, with the solid but unspectactular Clark Keltie in the middle. Jenas is hardworking as well, and Luke Chadwick is perhaps the only player likely to score many goals from the middle. New signing, 18 year old Kenneth Eriksson looks to have vast potential, and will battle with 21 year old Ruslan Mostovoi for bragging rights on the right flank. Up front Spurs have quality in spades. Freddy Adu the eternal youngster has a place just behind the preferred front pairing of young Jamie Crosby and Landon Donovan. The forwards are ably supported by a reserve back up of Ben May and Nico Kranjcar. Robbie Keane is still buzzing around the reserves, although he really isn't the player he was. Keegan uses Stephen Carr and young David Head as wing backs, although questions must be raised over Head's defensive ability. My mum could defend with more aptitude. The rest of the squad is filled with promising youngsters with a smattering of oldies. Such youth talent as Nathan Osbourne, and Roger Hudson look hopeful of staking a claim this year. Oldies such as the forever young Francesco Totti seem to spend more time on gardening leave than playing, but Keegan will value his experience. Overall, the squad has a good mix of ages, and a fair spectrum of talent. It is clear Keegan needs to splash the cash, but will he? He has at least £3m from the sale of Chinese star Hao Hao who has departed to Marseilles, but will he choose to rely on youth instead of a cash signing or two. Estimated Position - 6th Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 20, 2003 Author Share Posted November 20, 2003 August 13th 2011 Chez Dawson Michael opened his monthly credit card statement, while looking at his favourite football magazine, trying to figure out some of the big words. His Statement read: 17 Siberian Tigers £1,200,000 3 Cans of Cola £1.22 1 Gearbox £450 19 Leopards £8,000,000 Weekly Shopping £78.97 12 Lions (Male) £866,000 He must really cut down on his 'big cat' allowance. He kept them all in the East wing of the house and sent McHugh O'McScottish to feed them, but he'd been missing for 6 days. Having too many ferocious animals left indelible marks on the ornate paint work, but he couldn't resist. Michael banged on the wall loudly in an effort to stop the large cats from snarling in an agitated fashion on the other side of the house, but to no avail. He decided to go for a run to train for the big kick off in 3 days. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
URZ- ReAdInG fC Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 Great Stuff KUTGW Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 20, 2003 Author Share Posted November 20, 2003 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by URZ- ReAdInG fC: Great Stuff KUTGW <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Thanks, glad you are enjoying. Its kinda fun to write too! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 20, 2003 Author Share Posted November 20, 2003 August 14th 2011 Chez Dawson McHugh O'McScottish eventually tumbled out of the Iron door dividing the East and West wings of the house; his shirt ripped and his bagpipes broken. He rammed the door closed and ignored the cacophony of roaring from the other side. Michael cheerily tootled past, whistling a merry tune, and winked at the squeaky voiced, Chinese accented dour Scotsman, who passed out on his Persian Rug. He was feeling cheerful, having just returned from a training session in which he felt fitter than he had done in ages. It was going to be a super season. He was sure of it. Even though the cross-eyed tyke Gordon Lewis annoyed the hell out of him, he had to concede the kid was good. Defensively he felt Tottenham would be sound, which was a good thing. A player of Michael's calibre had to be playing regularly at the highest level. The thought of moving on had crossed his mid from time to time, but he felt a sense of loyalty to Spurs for sticking by him in his time of need, and for selling Hao Hao before Michael felt compelled to do something like rip his nipples off. He made himself a concoction of blended fruit and sipped it on the verandah, the blissful silence only being broken by the loud squealing of a demented lion feasting on the little sheep he had let loose in the East Wing, moments before McHugh had appeared again. Life was peachy. Now for the season. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 21, 2003 Author Share Posted November 21, 2003 August 16th 2011 Tottenham v Newcastle A super first game of the season ended with Spurs claiming a win from the jaws of defeat. An end to end game looked destined to end goalless, despite the high tempo played throughout. Jamie Crosby, showing yet again why he is so highly rated managed to hit the post no less than three times. Milan Baros of Newcastle managed to have a goal disallowed and Hugo Viana missed from 10yards when it looked easier to score. After 82 minutes Baros took a cross field ball from Anton Ferdinand in his stride, perplexed Gordon Lewis with some fancy footwork, and powered the ball goalwards from the edge of the "D". The 'keeper Richard Evans was left stranded as the ball seemed to take a subtle deflection off Michael Dawson before ricocheting into the corner. The Spurs fans started to leave, but came surging back into the ground when after 86 minutes Ruslan Mostovoi, combining well with Luke Chadwick put Jamie Crosby in the clear, and the youngster showing no nerves managed to round the keeper before slotting home. He picked the ball up and raced back to the centre circle. Two minutes later, the substitute Ben May powered home a header from a Chadwick cross to send the home fans into delirium. It beggars belief why May is on the bench so much. Landon Donovan, who has misfired in front of goal for at least two years now, looks a liability. It is time for a change of personnel up front for Tottenham surely. It was a super game, and the score only tells half the story. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 21, 2003 Author Share Posted November 21, 2003 August 17th 2011 Chez Dawson It felt so good to be experiencing some professional action at last. Yesterdays win had put Michael's mood into the stratosphere, and he was feeling as happy as he could possibly be. He didn't even mind the fact that McHugh O'McScottish, mauled within an inch of his life by Michaels large mammalian collection had inadvertently knocked over a priceless Ming Dynasty vase on his way to stop himself bleeding to death in the bathroom. He had consented that morning to an interview with men's lifestyle magazine Men R Grate which he was looking forward to. He anticipated a lot of questions about Minty Tallulah, and his injury. He also knew that animal rights protesters were concerned about his captivity of hundreds of Big Cats in the East Wing, and Antique dealers were concerned over the number of priceless furniture that had been thrown out of the window by the aforementioned Big Cats. It was bound to be a big interview. He pranced upstairs with a mop, and gaily mopped up McHugh's 'mess' that was trailing along the floor. Michael tutted. McHugh really should know better than to leave entrails around the house. The high voiced Chinese accented Scotsman called plaintively from the immaculate gold plated bathroom: Sorry aboot the mess, Michael. Ah'm just having some problems like. Don't worry about it McHugh. I'll just deduct it from your pay. Get well soon, I need a lift later for my interview. Aye, canny. groaned the long suffering Scotsman, Ah'll be reet as rain just as soon as this bandage is on, and I can support meself standing up. Michael whistled jauntily and carried on walking to his room, where he neatly folded his socks up, and started to clip his toenails. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 21, 2003 Author Share Posted November 21, 2003 Men R Grate Interview, Aug/Sept 2011 Michael Dawson Hey people, this month our exculsive interview is with Michael Dawson, the player who the press love to run pointless articles on all the time. Known widely for his relationship with national treasure, Minty Tallulah, as well as for his involvement in certain scandals, such as the non-tipping of Jacques Pompidou last year, and his recent connection to the death of Esther Rantzen (later proven unfounded.) He is an aimiable chap, with a healthy demeanor. We are concerned about the physical state of his butler/chuaffeur, but Michael insists the fierce scratches from his pet lions that decorate Mr O'McScottish's face are 'normal'. We began our interview: So, Mike, how've you been? I've been well, thank you. Just enjoying getting fit again, and i can genuinely say that after the win the other day, I'm feeling better than ever. Right... right... So, now down to the nitty gritty. What happened with Minty? Is it true you used to strut around im the nude at midnight, chanting her name? No, who told you that... It's a lie.... a vicious rumour. I always, ALWAYS wore a hat. How did you feel when that relationship crashed and burned? Well Eric, I can't deny that it hurt. It hurt deeply, and I don't think I can ever love again. It was my fault though, I ended it because I wanted to pursue my career, and that wasn't coherent with Minty's personal plans. That's the way life is eh? How do you react to scandal in your personal life, and the way it is paraded like dirty underwear on the front pages by such scurrilous journalists as Boris Broomstick? It doesn't really bother me to be honest Eric. I've got more important things to worry about, such as giving my Gnome the attention he deserves. By getting all worked up about certain issues, I feel quite neglectful. What came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't know. I'm really not as clever as I look. What do you make of the claims by Animal rights protesters that you keep certain breeds of 'big cats' in your house? Well, I don't deny it. I think its hilarious that they are making such a big deal about it. They are perfectly happy roaming the East Wing. If anyone thinks otherwise, then I'd like to meet you face to face to show you just what I mean. After all, I don't question why you like sacrificing badgers do I Eric? I think that us public figures have a right to do mad and crazy things. After all, we're a lot better than the general public and don't get the credit for it. I quite agree with you Michael. How do you feel about Esther Rantzen's death? It's a great shame Eric. If there's one positive thing about it, then it has to be that she is in a better place now. Re-united with those monstrously large teeth. Hopefully she'll be up there in heaven, making self righteous TV programmes for all the old popes and stuff. And other holy people. Well Michael, thankyou for your time. Take care now. Yes Eric, you too. Cheerio Interview conducted by Eric Rutherford B. Hayes 2011 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 24, 2003 Author Share Posted November 24, 2003 August 24th 2011 Reading vs Tottenham Tottenham made extraordinary hard work of beating a Reading side who have been skulking around the lower depths of the Premier League for years now. Richard Noon, the powerful young defender/striker, playing at centre half today for Reading opened the scoring after 27 minutes when he got his toe on the end of a deep cross from Bjarne Kristiansen. Tottenham responded on the stroke of half time, when perennial wastrel Landon Donovan buried a 25 yard free kick in the bottom left corner. The much maligned American then carried on a rare good performance, when after 49 minutes he chipped the Reading 'keeper Lars Overland after a good interchange between David Head and Freddy Adu put him miles clear of the Reading defence without an offside flag in sight.Adu finished things off with a penalty 0n 66, converted after Lars Overland had pulled Landon Donovan down Despite the win, Spurs looked laboured. They were never going to lose the game, but they looked as though they couldn't be bothered half the time. Still, 3 points is 3 points I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 August 25th 2011 Chez Dawson Michael awoke with a start at 6am to chants outside his front gate. Let the big cats go! Let the big cats go! Let the big cats go! He groggily turned his light on and squinted out of his window. His security personnel were lock in a titanic struggle to the death with 5 protesters. He watched for a while, and dozed off again. Bloody Hippies he muttered to himself. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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