Hendon FC: 100 years of gloom (dafuge's challnege)

I’ve never been to Hendon before. I’ve never wanted to go to Hendon before. I especially didn’t know they’ve had a football team. But apparently they do. And for some reason, which I’m still not quite sure why, I found myself standing outside the gates of this rather illustrious football club. Actually there were no gates just a big gap where the gates should be.

So here I was staring at the gate hole of Hendon FC when a thickset man walked out into the parking lot. Actually there was no parking lot just a small square of concrete on which was parked a battered looking Buick Lesabre. The thickset man suddenly noticed me and approached. “Do you want a job?” he asked. “I already have one” I replied. “Do you want a job managing a football team, this football team?” I wanted to say no, of course I didn’t want to give up a well paid and cushy job to move to this dump but for some reason I felt compelled to nod my head and that was why 5 minutes later I was standing outside a door in the ‘offices’ of Hendon FC.

“This is the boardroom, let’s go inside.” I followed the man inside and he motioned for me to sit down on a moth eaten chair. “On behalf of the board I would like to welcome you to the managerial position at Hendon Football Club.” Puzzled I replied: “there is no board members in here, it’s just you and me.” “That’s right” he answered, “we have no staff here, that’s why you’ve got the job. So let’s get started then, my name is dafuge..”, “I’m sorry” I interrupted, “dafuge what?” “Just dafuge. Anyway this is the boardroom as I’ve already said. My office is next door and yours will be down the hall. Our players are training at the moment, you can meet them later. Unfortunately we are a little thin on the ground at the moment and we also have no staff. So you’ll have a lot of purchasing to do. We'd like to be in the Premiership in a very realistic 16 years and after another 10 years we'd like to have won the Premiership and the Champions league. Then your challange will be over." "What challenge?" I asked, "Oh.....nothing," he replied after a while. “OK so let’s talk money. How much can I have to spend?” “Well, nothing but we can give you a very healthy wage budget and we may allow some very small money signings if they are essential.” “Oh great, thanks” I said, my voice full of sarcasm. “Yes sorry. So we’ll give you a £2.5k p/w wage budget and £300 of that will go to your wages. Our finances aren’t the best at the present time.” No **** I thought. “So I think you’re ready to meet the players, just one more thing, this is our centenary year and we would like to make it a good one. We’d like to avoid relegation back down to the Isthmian Premier League if at all possible.” Wow, ambitious I thought. “So let’s go see your office and the players.”

What in god’s name have I got myself into?

good start, what is the 100 years of doom challenge then george

The hundred years of gloom bit is just the title, the challenge is the small club to big club challenge. Called it that because the clubs been going for 100 years. Sorry for the mix up!

The Team:

When dafuge said the squad was a little thin on the ground he wasn’t joking. This was the team I inherited:

Goalkeepers:

None. That’s right, none.

Defenders:

Andy Atkinson DRC 16: A rather terrible player whose only strong point was his acceleration. Can’t see him in the first team.

Kieran Bridges DR 19: Slightly better player with good set piece skills. May cut it in the first team.

Chris McLaughlin WBL 16: Younger brother of Wayne Rooney’s wife Coleen. Plays in a position I don’t need and is awful at wing back as well. Only redeeming quality is his lightening pace.

That’s it for defenders, now onto midfielders.

Midfielders:

Peter Turner MC 16: Possibly the best player at the club. Great passer and very strong and fit, he’ll always make the team.

Jerome Young MC 16: Back to the pitifully poor players with this slice of rubbish. Can’t do anything capably, had him on tea duty towards the end of the training session and he messed that up. Perhaps the worst player here.

James Hooper AMRLC FC 20: I retract that statement. This creature is quite possibly the worst footballer ever. He may be able to play many positions but that’s the point, he isn’t able to play any positions, he is terrible.

Neill Walters AML 16: Much better player than the previous two. Got some good pace and skill on him, he’s got great potential.

Darren Francis AMC 19: Cool finisher with a hot head. Possibly a better striker than midfielder as he can score goals but he can’t tackle or pass.

Attackers:

Bontcho Guentchev AM/FC 43: The leader of the bunch. This veteran attacker has had international experience and took on the role of coach for the day talking to me about the players. Just as well he can do that, he’s no good at football anymore.

Jason Devine SC 16: Pathetic excuse for a striker. Would struggle to make the grade in a much lower division let alone this one.

Michael Houghton SC 16: Marginally better. He can at least finish which is more than I can say for the other ‘striker.’

Suffice to say, a lot of investment is needed.

got ya george, well good luck with it

nice, I'm looking forward to see what you do with Hendon.

Cheers for the comments lads. Hopefully another update will come your way tomorrow.That's as long as I don't die or get mauled by a tiger etc

Is there a lot of tigers round your way then, George?

Wow, I live in Cricklewood (the town Hendon play in) and I've been to see them play... Will be reading this to see if you can make them good!

Spav: You can never be too sure, who knows whats lurking round every corner?

LSD: Nice to see we've got a local on board, hope you enjoy it

After some long phone calls I managed to secure us a 3 match tour of Northern Ireland and a final preparation match against Hyde of the BSN. Now to tackle the issue of staff. I placed a few adverts here and there and waited patiently for a response. After a few days I managed to sign no fewer than 5 new members of staff. These are my new colleagues:

Colin Scott: Youth Coach £45p/w

Michael Brown: Scout £45p/w

Lee Cartwright: Assistant Manager £50p/w

Luke Thomas: Physio £45p/w

Dale Belford: Goalkeeping Coach £45p/w

12 July: With all my new staff signed up, I then proceeded in strengthening the squad. The first signing was that of a much needed goalkeeper. 24 year old Portuguese Francisco Ramos joins us from Maidenhead. Looks like a pretty good player to me and my ass man seems to think so as well.

14 July: The Setanta Shield 1st Round sees us tied with Hayes and Yeading. Should be a cracker. In other news are pre season odds of winning the league are 40-1. We’re actually strongly tipped to go down which can’t be good.

20 July: Some more good news on the transfer front: versatile defender Leon Crooks joins us for absolutely nothing from Sutton Utd. Really excited about this lad, easily my best player.

23 July: Another free transfer, striker Michael Rae was out of contract so I snapped him up. Looks good, especially for a 20 year old. A bid of bad news though, we missed out on Kirk Hudson, who chose Altrincham. Shame really.

24 July: And so we come to our first match in our friendly tour of Northern Ireland as we face the mighty Ballinamallard Utd. The team was as follows:

GK Ramos

DR Bridges

DL Crooks

DC Alexander

DC Atkinson

MR Guentchev

ML Hooper

MC Young

MC Turner

FC Rae

FC Houghton

HENDON favourites: 1-2

The first chance of the evening fell to Rae. A surprising bit of good work from James Hooper set Rae up for a good chance but his tame shot was easily held by the goalie. Rae got another chance on 20 minutes from a corner but his header went well wide. A few half chances for either side followed before a great opportunity fell to Houghton right on half time but he screwed his shot wide. I encouraged the players at half time and made 2 changes: Darren Francis on for Young and Devine on for Houghton. Straight from kickoff they had their first real chance of the match but their left winger shot wide from a tight angle. Although he made up for his poor shot with a great free kick on 56 minutes putting us one down. I brought on McLaughlin for Hooper to get a pair of fresh legs on and urged the lads to go forward and attack more. The rest of the game was a drab affair lightened by one glowing moment. We gained a free kick from the left channel a fair way out and Leon Crooks stood over it and floated it into the box. However it went over everyone’s head and the goalie was left dumbfounded as it whistled into the top corner. 1-1. And that is how it finished. I know we were strong favourites but atleast we didn't lose our first game so I was pretty happy.

Ballinamallard Utd 1-1 Hendon FC (Crooks 89)

I've just noticed I've spelt challenge wrong in the title. If this story is in anyway successful then that will always come back to haunt me. Much like the tiger that mauled me.

26 July: Whilst the lads were enjoying the red hot beaches of N. Ireland I was on the phone. I managed to secure 25 year old left back Scott Cousins on a free transfer. He immediately flew out to N. Ireland to take part in the second match of the tour against Cliftonville.

GK Ramos

DR Bridges

DL Cousins

DC Crooks

DC Atkinson

MR Guentchev

ML McLaughlin

MC Francis

MC Turner

FC Rae

FC Houghton

CLIFTONVILLE favourites: 1-10, we were priced as 15-1, ominous.

I began to see why they were so strongly tipped to batter us with two great chances early on but Ramos was up to the challenge pulling off a couple of outstanding saves. They then hit the bar and before someone managed to get to the rebound, Ramos pounced like a cat. We were still goalless. Then they hit the bar for a second time and this time Ramos was not cat enough and the rebound was slotted home by Catney. Catney doubled their advantage before half time, I was not happy whatsoever. We had been pathetic in the first half, yet to have a single shot. I gave the players Fergie style hairdryer treatment and told them to get their flaming act together. I didn’t make any changes though as I wanted to give them a chance to redeem themselves. And Michael Rae certainly did redeem himself with an absolute cracker of a goal. He managed to break free of the defense but two players got back to crowd him out, He then cut back and curled a beauty over the goalkeeper who was off his line and sent it nestling into the corner of the net. Was the comeback on? And the answer is yes. Just eight minutes later with half an hour to go Houghton turned and shot past McKeever and sent the 4 or 5 away fans into raptures. We were drawing against a much better team and we had scored to good goals at that. Sadly we could not hold put though as on 81 minutes we fell behind again. And then 3 minutes later our misery was compounded with another goal against us.

Cliftonville 4-2 Hendon FC (Rae 52, Houghton 60)

29 July: I named Guentchev as captain and new signing Scott Cousins as vice captain on a permanent basis before our third and final game in N. Ireland against Enniskillen. I named an unchanged line up for the game in which we were comfortable favourites.

Some good goalkeeping and defending within the first ten minutes kept us at stalemate after they had a few chances we couldn’t keep them out for much longer as they struck on the 25 minute mark. They scored again 5 minutes before the break whilst we still hadn’t had a chance. We were lucky to go in only 2 behind and I made 3 changes: Hooper on for McLaughlin, Young on for Francis and Devine on for Houghton. However it made no difference as an uneventful second half ending in us succumbing to a 2-0 defeat. I’m beginning to think that these odds are just made up on the spot.

Enniskillen 2-0 Hendon FC

30 July: We signed another defender, this time 22 year old Jay Conroy from Lewes. He can play on the right or in the centre of defense.

4 August: We signed veteran 30 year old MRC Dean Bennett to add some more experience, he’s also recently played in the heady heights of League 2.

5 August: Our final warm up game before the BSS kicked off and this was against Hyde, a team of similar ability to that of those we will be playing this season. Our two new signings came in for this game in a lineup that looked like this:

GK Ramos

DR Conroy

DL Cousins

DC Crooks

DC Atkinson

MR Hooper

ML Walters

MC Bennett

MC Turner

FC Rae

FC Houghton

HENDON favourites: 6-4

My first ever game at our home ground got off to a great start with the ever impressive Michael Rae smashing home to put us 1 up. Things were looking good for us as we continued to threaten with a few more chances but we were only up by one at the break. The second half started well also with Houghton having two more chances but poor finishing meant that we couldn’t further our lead. And we paid for that when we were pegged back to 1-1 with 15 minutes left on the clock. Those 15 minutes were the most boring of my life as we finished the game with a credible draw.

Hendon 1-1 Hyde (Rae 3)

Attendance: 77

So us and our massive fan base were preparing for the start of the BSS.

9 August: So here it is. The start of the season. And Havant & W are the first lambs to the slaughter at Claremont Road. The team that would kick off our season was:

GK Ramos

DR Conroy

DL Cousins

DC Crooks

DC Atkinson

MR Guentchev

ML Walters

MC Bennett

MC Turner

FC Rae

FC Houghton

HAVANT favourites 4-5

I told the lads that they could win today if they put the effort in and to go out there and do themselves proud. The first chance fell to Havant within 10 minutes, a corner was floated in and McAughton popped up at the back post only to head wide. Then came our first chance on 21. Walters played a cracking ball through to Bennett on the edge of the area, the keeper was beaten but his shot whistled just over the bar. We conceded our first goal of the league 5 minutes later when they picked up the ball from a poor clearance 20 yards out and, despite a fairly poor effort, Ramos fumbled and we were behind. However their lead wasn’t to last. Bennett was running through and was clipped by a defender on the edge of the area. Up stepped Bennett to send the ball right into the net to equalize. That seemed to boost our confidence as Guentchev, Houghton and Rae all had chances. Rae had perhaps the best chance of all to put us in front. Houghton had had a shot and the parry fell to Rae 3 yards out but he couldn’t get his shot away quick enough and the keeper collected the ball. At halftime it was still stalemate but I hoped a few words of encouragement would change that in our favour. And it did 10 minutes into the half. We won a free kick on the halfway line which Crooks took. He lifted the ball in and Rae who was right on the penalty spot attempted a flick on but it went straight over the goalies head and into the back of the net to give us a deserved lead. We managed to snuff out all their chances for 30 minutes whilst we had a few of our own. Michael Rae managed to break free but his shot was well saved by the keeper. Bennett tried to replicate his goal with 3 minutes to go but his effort was miles wide. We were holding on for a great three points. With just one minute remaining we managed to get a counter attack going and after a great sequence of passing Houghton curled in a fabulous third for us. I congratulated the players at full time and we had our first points of the season.

Hendon 3-1 Havant (Bennett, Rae, Houghton)

Attendance: 769

Good start

Cheers Pan

11 August: We had our first away match today, travelling to Worcester. The coach was buzzing and the players thought we could make it 6 points from 6 but it would be a tough ask. I named an unchanged team for a match in which we were again underdogs.

WORCESTER favourites 4-6

The tough ask was proven within the first five minutes of the match when we fell behind thanks to sloppy defending. We had to buck our ideas up if we were to even get anything from the game. We were bombarded from all areas by them as Ramos pulled off some great saves to keep us in with a shout but we were still yet to have a shot. That first shot came two thirds of the way through the first half when Rae sprinted onto Bennett’s ball but the keeper tipped it wide and for a corner. We were two down 3 minutes later when more bad defending cost us probably any points. I didn’t hold back at halftime and gave each and every one of them a bollocking, I brought on Hooper for Guentchev to add a bit of pace to the wings as well. Chances were few and far between but we got back into the match on 75 thanks to Neil Walters. But Atkinson was sent off for a professional foul just two minutes later, hacking down one of their players from behind when he was clean through. You can’t argue with those sorts of decisions. I reshuffled things and brought Devine on for Rae to add a different dimension to the attack but it didn’t work as we fell to our first league defeat of the season.

Worcester 2-1 Hendon (Walters)

16 August: Games were coming thick and fast now with our latest tie against Weston Super Mare.

GK Ramos

DR Bridges

DL Cousins

DC Crooks

DC Conroy

MR Bennett

ML Walters

MC Young

MC Turner

FC Rae

FC Houghton

HENDON favourites 6-4

Debutant Kieran Bridges made a terrible error to gift Weston their first chance of the match as he passed the ball straight into the path of the oncoming striker so he didn’t even have to stop but Ramos made a good save to spare Bridge’s blushes. Weston took the lead with 5 minutes of the first half to go and doubled their advantage straight from our kick off to make it 2-0 at half time whilst we were still yet to have a chance. The second half started no better as we still didn’t threaten but with our first shot of the match on 72, Bridges scored a free kick. 2-1. Unfortunately they finished us off with a third goal at the death as we slumped to a second defeat.

Hendon FC 1-3 Weston (Bridges)

20 August: To me it didn’t look like we were up to the challenge of the BSS and so I secured my 7th signing of the season, 31 year old French left back & midfielder Sasha Opinel.

23 August: Our fourth match of the season, vs Cambridge, and really we should be looking to get a win to make it 2 wins and 2 losses, a rather indifferent start to the season, but we still have to win this game.

GK Ramos

DR Conroy

DL Cousins

DC Crooks

DC Atkinson

MR Bennett

ML Opinel

MC Francis

MC Turner

FC Rae

FC Guentchev

CAMBRIDGE favourites 4-6

We had the first real chance of the game with 20 minutes gone, Rae feeding the ball into Guentchev’s feet who turned and blasted well wide. We then received our second red card of the season 15 minutes later, when Jay Conroy elbowed a Cambridge City player in the face. I took Guentchev off and brought on Kieran Bridges at right back to plug the gap. So we went in at halftime 0-0 but 11-10 down in men. I urged the players on and told them the match was there for our taking. But 18 seconds into the second half we conceded and now we had to chase the game. Houghton came on for Francis straight after the goal to spearhead our attack however on 75 they scored again and we were left to stumble to our third defeat of the season. Very poor opening to the season.

Cambridge 2-0 Hendon FC

25 August: I had no desire to play the next match against St. Albans and so left it in the hands of my ass man claiming I needed to do some last minute transfer shopping but really I just stayed at home watching reruns of the Jeremy Kyle Show and swigging from a can. Anyway when my ass man rung up at 5 o’clock I was fearing the worst but somehow we had scraped a victory with Rae bagging the only goal of the game.

30 August: I decided to travel to Bishop’s Stortford for today’s away game. The team I chose was:

GK Ramos

DR Crooks

DL Opinel

DC Atkinson

DC Cousins

MR Guentchev

ML Walters

MC Young

MC Bennett

FC Rae

FC Houghton

We started off terribly conceding one goal and being lucky to escape without conceding a dozen more. Things didn’t pick up as they scored again ten minutes later and I stood up and left the stadium. I went straight for my old Vauxhall and drove the 44 miles back to Hendon at lightning speed. I just couldn’t go on with the whole bloody charade of running this football club. I stayed away from the club for a week until an angry dafuge rung me up demanding me back at training. I told him I couldn’t give a **** about the football club at the moment and I’d come back when I was ready. He did tell me one small bit of good news, my ass man had taken the initiative and continued with talks I had been holding with two free agents and he had managed to get them on board: 29 year old CM David Jones and Welsh winger Sam O’Sullivan.

18 September: I finally returned today to a frosty reception from the players but they had exactly excelled themselves in the three games I had been away picking up just one point.