The British Lions' Toothless Roar

[phnompenhandy]

March 2021

 

Bartley was a little tardy getting his act together; he brought along his new academy lads at lunchtime on the Saturday we were due to host Stowmarket. I didn’t have time to do more than shake their hands but he was raving about four in particular, so I promised to take a good look the following day as he organized a practice match against what’s left of our Under 18s. Continuing our careful match preparations, we denied Stowmarket a single shot on target as we chalked up a routine 2-0 win. Actually the last seven matches of our season are all against mid-table opposition bar the final game versus Gorleston whose run has taken them to second behind us – with a run like that the title is ours to throw away.

On to the trial match to assess the new kids. The squad looked badly imbalanced, with a shortage of defenders, central midfielders and forwards, and too many wingers. We’d have to be selective. The game was a little scrappy but the kids comfortably beat the Under 18s side (which contained three overage players about to be given the shove, unbeknownst to them) 3-1.  The stand-out was a lad Bartley had singled out as something very special – a striker whom I’m already salivating at the prospect of partnering with Allison, Calvin Foy-Hayes.

 

They looked a coherent outfit on the pitch but that wasn’t enough for me to assess. I spent the next four days going around the schools getting teachers’ reports. I wanted character reports, I wanted disciplined, determined and professional young men and no more fickle, temperamental sorts. I hope to be able to get a mentoring system going as soon as I can; until now the experienced members of the squad have not been great examples and they’re all about to leave the club (so I’ve decided after that last rebellion), so that means I’ll have the lads who’ve been here a couple of years leading peer-mentoring groups. I’m not having any individual dragging the groups down, so any negative attitudes won’t get through the gates from now on. In practice, that meant terminating the trials of six of the kids and taking on ten. At the end of the season I’d be releasing seven, plus the three I sent out on loan, so our squad size should remain the same albeit with a substantially lower wage bill.

 

[phnompenhandy]

I’d left training and man-management during the week to my assistant Andy Barlow, and rejoined the team for the trip to Brantham Athletic. Had to be done but nearly cost us, dear, as it took a stoppage-time penalty to break the deadlock and take back a 1-0 win. Some poor performances, however, prompted me into tweaking the settled line-up to play Tring Athletic before complacency set in. Simon Armitage replaced skipper Reddick whom I dropped to the bench, and academy kids Calvin Hall and Foy-Hayes were put in the starting XI. Armitage, who’s been on the fringes of the squad for two years took his chance, scored and earned Player of the Match; the others will need a little time. We lost our winning streak to take a 1-1 draw.

For the next game, I brought back a poor Reddick purely for his leadership, and restored Hart to the front line but gave Hall a second run-out. The match squad for the drive up to Kirkley & Pakefield was the same, though. A rot is setting in. Against ten men for most of the game, we could only draw 2-2 and that was only possible due to the determination of Reddick. The margin of error is now zero – there are four fixtures in April and whilst the two sides breathing down our necks, Aylesbury and Ely are yet to play each other, we cannot afford to drop another point.

 

 

[phnompenhandy]

April 2012

With April going down to the wire, our last four fixtures began with the visit of Long Melford. With the pressure squeezing ever harder, Keith Thompson demonstrated on the training ground that he had to chops to control the centre alongside Reddick so he debuted with Foy-Hayes returning to the starting line up. There are, however, too many players who are suspect under pressure and I can’t drop them all. There was a difficult balancing act to be done – how to take the pressure off the players when in reality it’s intense and weighing me down? I couldn’t look up for inspiration as Liverpool had blown an eight-point lead in the Premier League!

I finally convinced the chairman to send one player on a leadership course. At 1.2K and three months I can now see why she’s been so reticent. At least Keith Preece will return from the summer poised to take the armband once Reddick and his two elder deputies in Cascoe and Clayton have departed. As all the coaching team bar one signed improved contracts for another year and I persuaded the board to hire one more (would’ve been the Colchester legend Karl Duguid except the board screwed up – maybe next year), the chairman and I went on to have a third stab at negotiating my contract. She wouldn’t budge on cutting my basic, but accepted my demands for a 40% rise next season AND a further 40% if we get promoted. Come on!

Lee Hart came on for the last half hour against Long Melford and turned in a hat-trick as we got back to winning ways and coasted to a 4-2 victory. It’s getting close although Ely aren’t letting up. At Hadleigh United I was concerned that the nerves would really start to show as the finishing line loomed ever closer. I needn’t have worried – thee kids are to innocent to show fear. 4-0 and everyone put in a magnificent performance. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a manager or merely a bemused onlooker, so clueless am I as to what goes on around me.

[phnompenhandy]

Always one for planning ahead, having just got a reasonable academy intake and succeeding in an unbelievable coup – with apologies to Rob Bartley, I couldn’t overlook the pulling power and inspiration of the god that is Luther Blissett when he made his availability known, so I pleaded with the board to further increase the junior coaching budget. Blissett’s name gained immediate results; the 14-times-capped England international will now be busy liaising with local PE teachers as we hopefully look forward to an even stronger intake next year. He came up from London after watching his club Watford lose to Manchester United in the FA Cup semi-final; I guess I made the right noises over tea and biscuits to talk him into signing. He’s 63 now - I hope he sticks around longer than Dario Gradi.

Blissett joined us for the trip to Great Yarmouth, creating a buzz and luring a good few travelling supporters as keen for his autograph as to potentially witness our promotion, depending on the outcome of another match the following day. We kept our cool; it wasn’t a classic but we took the points with a 2-0 win, putting Gorleston, whom we’d meet in our final match, out of the picture. The following day three coachloads of us took off for Aylesbury to see them draw with Ely, handing us the championship and promotion!!

I put out an entirely second-string side for the last match, resting even Allison. The bubbly and Fanta pre-match had perhaps affected us – we were in party mode and not at our best whereas Gorleston were determined to finish the season runners-up and they achieved that with a 0-1 result. Nevertheless, the 268 fans – a club and division record for the season celebrated for hours.

[phnompenhandy]

On the following Monday Stuart Reddick spared me an awkward situation by announcing his retirement. He’d been with the club for yonks and we had a vacancy for a scout, so I offered him the gig. I think he’ll be pretty good at this level as he knows the region although we’ll be ranging further next season. Sentimental, or a way to further ingratiate myself with the players and fans? You decide. Cascoe and Clayton agreed to leave quietly to seek out new clubs. My squad now consists of the 34 players I want, plus two out on loan until their contracts expire.

A youth player then approached me with a demand for a non-contract. Don’t know why, but he has a year on his youth contract so I didn’t play ball. Than another. It appears to be a level eight thing. I don’t like it. It occurred to me that as an academy challenge I was saving 80% of our permitted wage bill and that we could afford to turn professional. Unsurprisingly, the chairman didn’t see it that way. However, if in six months all my players are going to demand non-contracts or leave, the club will be destroyed, so she’d better think this through.

By the way, I’m not actually sure where we get promoted to, as Level Eight is a bit of a cluster****. I’m guessing it’ll be the Isthmian North Division as that’s where Clacton went last season and neighbours Brightlingsea Regent, Coggeshall Town and Felixstowe are there.

 

End of season news elsewhere: fun and games in the last ten minutes of the last day in the Premier League

 

Liverpool did a Newcastle to blow an unassailable lead (as a consolation they won the FA Cup), but it still took a last minute 'Agueroooo' goal from Zaha for City to pip them to the title. Defending champions Manchester United won their final game 2-1 but a penalty miss cost them a Champions League spot.

Norwich made an immediate return to the top flight, bringing Brentford and Blackburn with them. Also gaining promotion at the first ask were our neighbours, the Tractor Boys of Ipswich who spent just the sole season in League One. The Sarf Essex Boys of Billericay got promoted to the Football League where they’ll play QPR, and I’m pleased to relate that our despised neighbours Braintree Town got relegated to just one level above us.

Celtic won Scotland, TNS Wales and Lincoln Red Imps Gibraltar as always; Crusaders held their title in Norn Iron whilst Dundalk wrestled theirs back in Eire.

[phnompenhandy]

May 2021

Squad + for 2021-22 pre-season

 

[phnompenhandy]

June 2021

We are indeed in Isthmian Division One North as expected. My expectation had been a season of consolidation; the board are looking for a top half finish. I can see us matching our neighbours, but there are a few relative giants in the division like Canvey Island and Grays, whom we’ve met before; mid-table is about right so I’m fine with that. We’re in not just the FA Cup but the FA Trophy too. Managing the cups with a young small squad will be an even bigger challenge this year. Oh and the UK has left the EU. That prompted me to decide that as things are really slowing up here, I’d put up some hard borders and let The Republic of Ireland league go in January and Gibraltar in June. In fact, the North could reunite with Eire in June also – that would show the Brexiteers. The Disunited Kingdom will be reduced to a nation of three countries only. And I got my 40% pay rise. Quite right.

Not just me. On the cusp of pre-season greed took hold of these young lads and they were looking for more than pocket money. I accepted requests for a rash of improved contracts, and the two lads who wanted non-contracts fell into line and went part-time.

 

[phnompenhandy]

July 2021

After our first pre-season training session and friendly to get the legs going again, I went home and reflected on the state of the squad. I think I’ve made some poor decisions. I may have been too hasty in letting the three mature players, Reddick, Cascoe and Clayton go. Reddick was declining and decided to retire, but I’m sure he was open to persuasion had I kept him on for one more season. However, I want to give enough first-team experience to upcoming central midfielders, particularly Armitage who plays in his position, and the same goes for Cascoe on the right wing. Two key factors in my thinking were the way both Reddick and Cascoe had simply ceased bothering on the training ground; even if their performances in matches were good, it set a bad example to the youngsters. Secondly, they all had such appalling personalities that I had to exclude them from any mentoring exercises, and they did drag down the overall ambience. And third was the way they led that revolt just when we needed to roll up our socks and grind out results. That’s what I told them, that’s what they did, and the results and success duly came, but I couldn’t forgive them. Nevertheless, I fear their experience may be sorely missed in the squad where the oldest player (and a fringe one at that) is only 21.

The third individual was Clayton. He was only 25 and frankly, too poor for the higher level eight. However, he was our only left-winger. Now this is a problem position in that as poor as he was, I had no one better and no one came through from the academy. I have one kid who’s not ready but will have to do, and no back up for him. Given that with two cup competitions there’ll be more midweek games, I’ll have to use right-footers to fill in, but I’ve messed up there.

[phnompenhandy]

In pre-season the opposition is irrelevant; it’s all about re-familiarising the lads with each other and my tactics, whilst tweaking both. I’m trying out a slightly asymmetric tactic whereby I use a wingback and winger down the right, and play it more conservatively with full-back and defensive winger down my vulnerable left. I’m also bringing Kevin Liddle into my first team. He persistently been the transfer target of all and sundry for three years now for reasons that are a mystery to me but I hope to now find out. He’s a centre back and has been developing ever so slowly but I’m deeming to be just about ready, like left-back Chris Crawford was before him. Keith Preece is back from his leadership course to take over the captaincy, and I’m passing on the vice-captaincy to George Allison not because he has leadership qualities but because he’s a superstar, has unsurprisingly become an influence in the dressing room, and is undroppable.

The central midfield of Armitage and Goodall lack experience but showed some promise at the tail end of last season and Fitzjohn is my poor but only left winger. You can see my ten outfield backups on the right of the screenshot

 

[phnompenhandy]

Here are all the reserves

 

As you can see, the squad of 32 is very thin and I can’t add anyone until the next academy intake eight months away. At least I’ve tied everyone down to contracts so hopefully no one will leave.

[phnompenhandy]

I’ve actually got no one with a ‘presence’ in midfield to assert their authority on the game, whereas most of the teams in this division have at least one or two hard men who will terrify our wee boys. I trust snarling Goodall to give as good as he gets, but I fear he’ll be steamrollered by some of the brutes we’ll come up against. The chief tactic will be to hump the ball up to Allison in the micro-second before you get your leg broken and trust him to dance past the defence. Friendlies against lightweight opposition doesn’t tell you much about what to expect in that department, but they did help me realise my asymmetric thing was unnecessary as all I want my full backs to do is lump the ball either down the flanks or into the channels for the strikers to run onto. Keep it simple, eh?

St. Albans in the Vanarama South were letting it be known in the press that they might court me, and they duly invited me for an interview. I’m still miffed with the chairwoman/wife cutting my salary after the fortune in wages I’m saving her, but with the foundations I’m putting down here, with the kids I’m bringing through, I couldn’t bear to walk away now. Another job interview was lined up for one of my mediocre coaches. I could have asked him to stay but I was still pursuing Karl Duguid so I stayed schtum. It was worth the wait; I duly got my man. Whilst I introduced him to his backroom team, due to the number of friendlies we were playing, there was actually no time to schedule pre-season training sessions, a point a number of players grumbled about. When you’re a part-time outfit you can’t have it all – choices must be made.

Worse is to follow – the schedule gives us two matches per week from the beginning of August relentlessly – cup replays could prove an utter nightmare. Forget training, guys.

I get the impression that we’ve reached a level where the game is not going to be so much fun. Gone are the quaint little village teams – in this league there are three or four pleasant small towns, but he rest are based in unattractive conurbations. In addition, as I’ve already alluded to, no longer will we encounter some lazy fat amateurish defender who’ll put a friendly arm around my 16-year-old kids after the match; they’re going to be kicked from pillar to post by thugs who bitterly resent that they never got a professional contract.

[coady]

6 hours ago, phnompenhandy said:

Keith Preece is back from his leadership course to take over the captaincy, and I’m passing on the vice-captaincy to George Allison not because he has leadership qualities but because he’s a superstar, has unsurprisingly become an influence in the dressing room, and is undroppable.

I always have this superstition about handing the armband or even vice captaincy to attacking players. I think there was one FM a few years back where it affected attacking players badly and I never grew out of the habit! I hope it doesn't affect your star man negatively.

3 hours ago, phnompenhandy said:

St. Albans in the Vanarama South were letting it be known in the press that they might court me, and they duly invited me for an interview. I’m still miffed with the chairwoman/wife cutting my salary after the fortune in wages I’m saving her, but with the foundations I’m putting down here, with the kids I’m bringing through, I couldn’t bear to walk away now. Another job interview was lined up for one of my mediocre coaches. I could have asked him to stay but I was still pursuing Karl Duguid so I stayed schtum. It was worth the wait; I duly got my man. Whilst I introduced him to his backroom team, due to the number of friendlies we were playing, there was actually no time to schedule pre-season training sessions, a point a number of players grumbled about. When you’re a part-time outfit you can’t have it all – choices must be made.

I get the impression that we’ve reached a level where the game is not going to be so much fun. Gone are the quaint little village teams – in this league there are three or four pleasant small towns, but he rest are based in unattractive conurbations. In addition, as I’ve already alluded to, no longer will we encounter some lazy fat amateurish defender who’ll put a friendly arm around my 16-year-old kids after the match; they’re going to be kicked from pillar to post by thugs who bitterly resent that they never got a professional contract.

St Albans would have been a lovely move. A nice ground in the middle of a park in a quiet area & good links to local clubs such as Luton, Watford & Stevenage to poach released youngsters!

[phnompenhandy]

2 hours ago, coady said:

I always have this superstition about handing the armband or even vice captaincy to attacking players. I think there was one FM a few years back where it affected attacking players badly and I never grew out of the habit! I hope it doesn't affect your star man negatively.

Allison came back from his hols with quite the ego, slacking off in training (last season he got weekly accolades) and being way below par in some of the friendlies. That wasn't due to the vc as I hadn't sorted that yet. This is the danger - he got what he wanted - key player and nice pay rise; complacency is a danger. Worst of all, he knows I can't afford to slag him. Will be interesting to see how this goes.

[phnompenhandy]

August 2021

 

Life at Isthmian altitudes began the same way the last two seasons began – an Extra Preliminary Round of the FA Cup. We had to endure hours of concrete and brick wasteland as we wound our way across London to Bedfont to face CB Hounslow United, bizarrely relegated to a level ten South Midlands league. Regardless that our league campaign would start four days later, we didn’t want to humiliate ourselves or begin on a downer, so we set up to dominate the game.

And What. A. Game.  2-3 We bombarded their goal from start to finish. They had three shots (four actually; Harding saved a penalty) including a wonder free kick that was bent like Beckham. It was just one of those days – there was always a body or keeper’s glove blocking a shot. In the last five minutes we got two back and were floating a cross into the box for Allison to equalize when the ref blew her whistle. Amy! I’m sure the board will be furious, but on the bright side that relieves our fixture list; already our first midweek tie is postponed as Clacton drew. Bad day, I’m okay.

A second August match – favourites Canvey Island - was put back to September due to their FA Cup tie; we might be facing two or three exhausted sides in league clashes with any luck.

Our Isthmian league campaign would therefore commence at Witham Town, a place I hate with a passion. It is the site of the only time I’ve been subject to an unprovoked attack – as a teenager, but I’ve never forgotten. My aim to was to leave with three points and burn the place to the ground. Witham opened their account midweek with a defeat, so they’d be tired and depressed. Perfect. Well they do say ‘revenge is a dish best serve cold’. What they don’t say is forty years isn’t cold enough. We were all over them but a combination of poor finishing and inspired goalkeeping did for us although we did salvage a late equalizer for a 1-1 draw.

Four days later we were on the road again to what I remember as a child as a village outside Maldon but now has been swallowed up by the town. Wrong bird though, we were playing Heybridge Swifts. I dropped three of the underperformers but the others just got a rest and were pressed back into service. They put on a truly majestic performance. Hart got an early brace which prompted Allison to find his shooting boots to match him in a 4-1 score-line, but it’s the goalkeeper Harding and the defence that deserve special merit. 20-21, we have arrived.

[phnompenhandy]

Played Dulwich Hamlet in a pre-season friendly. This absolutely happened

 

Lower League Loveliness

[phnompenhandy]

Thanks to our early exit from the FA Cup, we may make a better start to the league than we’re used to, and maybe we will actually challenge for a third successive promotion. For all that, something troubles me. In our evening training sessions as and when we can fit them in, things are not going as well as I’d like. I have a squad of determined and professional young lads, but the fixture-load is tiring the first team, and the reserves are not stepping up. What’s more, in order to grind out results, I’m focusing on preparing for upcoming games at the expense of long-term development, and the players are complaining. As I said earlier, something has to give. I assume so long as results are good, the players will grumble but suck it up, but they won’t significantly improve their skills to enable them to thrive at a higher level. My solution is to quietly pester the board to use our income to further enhance our junior coaching assets so that I can put incoming 15- and 16-year old academy kids straight into the first team squad. That’s probably not sustainable at a much higher level but unless we turn fully professional, I can’t see an alternative strategy.

Talking of income, our early gates are looking very healthy. They are all fair-weather fans, however, they aren’t interested in season tickets and numbers substantially fall away after a bad result. With both fans and players, while the sun shines all is good; as soon as the weather changes we’re on a cliff-edge. Such are the vagaries and insecurities of a football manager!

[phnompenhandy]

I kept the same squad together for the next fixture, the following Wednesday down in The Smoke at Romford. I thought I’d take the opportunity to see if the building still stood where my sister squatted with druggies when she was 15 before snaking to the ground where these nomads are currently squatting down at the docks in East Thurrock. Romford once got to the quarter-finals of the FA Cup. Admittedly that was in 1881 and they lost 0-15, but still, you can’t take that away.

With no weekend fixture we had an unprecedented six training sessions and a team-bonding activity between games; surely the players would be happy with that and show the fruits over 90 minutes? The run of training sessions did allow me to see clearly that our two coaches focusing on physical skills are outstanding and producing results; it’s the technical and tactical skills that are not developing (and there’s little I can do for the goalkeepers). We’d then have three league fixtures before we’d get back on the training ground. We’re scheduled to have a relentless two matches every week before the FA Trophy gets underway; I have no idea how teams still in the FA Cup are supposed to cope with that; I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two or our games are re-scheduled due to that.

I was feeling confident but even so, I couldn’t have anticipated just how dominating we’d be. Lee Hart’s double in the first ten minutes set us up for a comfortable 5-0 victory in which every cog in this machine operated supremely. Everything had clicked into place – just add oil. A rest and three days later we finally got to play our first Isthmian home tie as we welcomed Brentwood Town, whose ancient and contemporary history as well as environment is virtually a carbon-copy of Romford. Brentwood were a far more confident outfit and despite another excellent performance, it took two stoppage time goals from Allison, adding to another brace from Hart, to put the tie to bed in a 4-1 score-line. We’re in second place behind Canvey island but with a game in hand.

We were on such a roll I was loathed to change anything despite the next game being just three days away. Armitage and Hart couldn’t go again and were replaced by young playmaker Justin Willsmer for his first start and promising Calvin Foy-Hayes, but I sent the rest out to go again. That game involved another trip to Ol’ Man River Thames to the legacy of a team of gun factory workers, VCD Athletic. We felt we should be able to blow them out of the water if we could just summon up enough energy. We couldn’t. The boys were clearly very tired and struggled to salvage a 1-1 draw.

[phnompenhandy]

September 2021

The next match was at home to neighbours and rivals Coggeshall Town, who, being bottom of the league were there for the taking in front of our fans. However, it was clear the first team desperately needed a proper rest especially as the following week we’d be travelling to second-favourites Bury Town. Ordering half the squad to take between three and five days of complete rest, I had to man-manage this and take a risk. Nervously, I sent out a clearly weakened side although after assessing their morale and understanding of my tactics, I felt quietly confident, not least because Coggeshall had just come off the bum-end of a 1-7 hammering by Canvey Island three days previously. Credit to our opponents, they were surprisingly positive although fortunately short on quality – as were we as we came away with another disappointing 1-1 draw. It’s clear that our well-oiled machine grinds to a half as soon as a couple of those cogs are replaced. I can only hope the rest has energized my first-choice players to keep going for the next seven bi-weekly games – which are due to commence in a week due to another call-off with Bury involved in an FA Cup tie. Good, back to the training ground.

The next game would be against another bunch of dockers – a lot of them about in this league. Queen Elizabeth I famously gave a pep-talk to the lads at Tilbury which inspired them to reach the third round of the FA Cup four centuries later, but right now they were lying joint bottom – along with VCD and Coggeshall. We’d have to do better. And why wouldn’t we? The best boys were all back, we’d done the work they asked for as well as preparing for the game, we’d visited an Old People’s Home which made the lads feel worthy – morale was excellent and we were ready to go. And we did. It wasn’t a classic, but the 3-1 win was comfortable, took us to second with the help of a healthy goal difference, and sets us up for impending tougher challenges. The first one would be the rearranged local derby that should have been our first game in the Isthmian North, hosting FC Clacton. My first ever job as a teenager was working for a bingo caller on the pier in Clacton, and I got my best A Level there. I told the lads doing their A Levels to teach them a footballing lesson. Allison schooled them with both goals in a 2-1 win, but fatigue was showing already. I’d have a tricky job on my hands again as in a week we’d face the runaway leaders Canvey Island, but in three days we’d have another game and so I’d need to risk a weakened side again.

[phnompenhandy]

The recipient of our need was the Basildon side Bowers & Pitsea. I did my best to prepare the raw lads on the training ground but I noticed there was no one to lead them on the pitch. I had the ex-pros Andy, Karl and Luther hollering from the sides guiding them through every minute of the game. It did the business – 4-1 and a dominant display from the fresh boys with Calvin Foy-Hayes getting his first goals off the bench for the club, and defender Jarid Watson earning Player of the Match on his debut. After the game we learned that the Canvey Island clash was being put back again for a third time due to their continuing involvement in the FA Cup. That meant we’d have a week to prepare for our next game – our first FA Trophy tie. I promptly decided that these second-choice lads had earned the right to represent us in that competition and stake a claim for first-team squad places.

That Extra Preliminary Round of the FA Trophy would be at Camberley Town who were going well in another Isthmian league down in Surrey. We went, we won. 3-1. Hart and supersub Foy-Hayes did the damage. They were bloody good again! Oh dear, never mind. They’d get a chance to show me up again in a fortnight against struggling Portchester, but my immediate attention turned the league where the next five games were against all of our top six contenders.

The big guns, duly rested, were back for the trip to the rather nice historic market town of Bury St. Edmunds to challenge highly-fancied Bury Town, one place behind us in third. Where my second-string had proved so heroic, my first-choice stumbled, going down 0-1. Hmm, I guess I’d be putting the former out for our upcoming home tie against nearby Felixstowe & Walton United – another one of the many clubs in this division that lives in containers, but at least these boys share the same North Sea gales as we do, not some Estuary scum.

[phnompenhandy]

October 2021

Unfortunately, if unsurprisingly, the kids reverted to type; they were never going to sustain playing so far above themselves and were outplayed in a comfortable 0-2 defeat to Felixstowe. I’d give them a chance to show me they could recover from this set-back in the upcoming Trophy tie.

So it was back amongst the shipping containers, this time on the English Channel as we found ourselves in Portchester, sandwiched between Southampton and Portsmouth. They beat us, score-line 0-1. Some people would say we lost; I don’t see it like that. I noticed an inordinate number of our league rivals drawing, thus facing replays, and I’m looking forward to regular spells od recuperation and training. The results columns show three defeats on the bounce, but I feel fine – we’re coming back.

We finally got to play that much-postponed tie against league leaders Canvey Island. I had the sense that they were as over-committed as us but that we’d rotated better, so we took the game to them at a high tempo, and we did wear them out, besting them 2-1. Told you not to worry!

The lads were in no state to go again in three days after that high-energy performance, so it was the second-string that went out again to face 4^th-placed Hanwell Town in the leafy West London district of Ealing. The defence was an utter shambles as we lost 2-4. Okay, now we’re on a strict schedule of weekends only (subject to weather and one or two possible cup reschedules). Time to reset. Go again.

As we prepared to hosts the residents of the small Saxon town of Sawbridgeworth, our Under 18s coach departed. No biggie as all the youths have signed part-time contracts and moved up, but I called around to see who’s available and a chap who played one game for Wycombe Wanderers some years ago was game so he’s in. The match was a struggle; Allison and Hart baled us out for a 3-2 victory but we cut it fine and need to play better (incidentally, Allison has long since put his attitude away and is behaving like a consummate professional. Next season’s club captain for sure). Look at it this way – in the run of five matches against the top teams we won two and lost three. Now we have a sequence of six of the next seven against lower-table opposition. We just have to acquire the form of a flat-track bully to go top. One weekend at a time with careful training programs – we can do this.

We ended the month with a trip to the first of these beatable teams in deepest Eastern Europe – or Hertfordshire if you like, as we met up with the cheery immigrants of FC Romania. Everything went according to plan and four goals from the icon that is George Allison eased us to a 4-1 victory.

[phnompenhandy]

November 2021

Struggling Walthamstow were next up. They are actually struggling in the league, which seems to be a perennial tale but they’re always in the mire off the pitch too. I wasn’t sure what kind of travelling supporters to expect – East17 fans, grime monsters, arty-farty bohemians or what. At least the dog track is away so there wouldn’t be a load of whippets on a string. In the end the two who showed up were quite normal. The game was a dour, dogged midfield battle, only decided very late on by Hart for a 1-0 win. Three points though. Of our league rivals, only Canvey Island are left in any cups, so we’ll be spared Wednesday nights for sure.

We were motivated to exact revenge on our next opponents. Grays Athletic who knocked us out of the FA Cup last season. They were far superior to us then even though the result looked close at 1-2, but it’s a measure of how far we’ve come that the bookies couldn’t separate us now.  The bookies called it right – it was a tough game, especially as Allison was off-colour, but Armitage popped up to win it 1-0 again. The teams above us all won so we needed this to keep in touch.

I’ve been concerned that young centre-back Kevin Liddle can never get himself matchfit enough for the first team. He’s outgrown the Under 18s so he’s been playing weekly friendlies in the Under 23s but to no avail. The physios informed me that his natural fitness, workrate, determination and stamina are all woeful, talented though he is. That combination’s a liability – I decided he had to move on; Gorleston snapped him up. On the pitch we welcomed Needham Market from the attractive small Suffolk town; the football club has been going through a golden period over the last few years although they’re currently mid-table at the moment. Allison’s definitely lost his mojo at the moment but the result was a more comfortable 2-0 win. To be fair, the bitterly cold driving rain that’s sweeping the region is hard on these young charges, but they keep going. Talking of Allison, a rash of league clubs are making enquiries – as soon as the year turns I’ll do my best to extend his contract with us. Worryingly though, the boy’s got himself an agent.

At the end of the month I got the chance to take the lads to see Swathmore College in Clacton where I studied for the A level that set me on my academic career as well as the windswept, deserted pier where I got a part-time job in the bingo hall. Then it was on to face FC Clacton, who were getting into their stride after a slow start to the season. Could we stop them? Of course we could. We were hot, Hart got two, we won 4-1. Easy.

Tight at the top

 

 

[phnompenhandy]

December 2021

 

In the following few days the chairman and I were consumed by family issue – emergency hospital visits and weddings, but our staff managed the training sessions well enough and everyone felt prepared and positive for the three upcoming games in December, especially as we ended November with 100% record. First we “welcomed” hated Witham Town to the Memorial Ground – I was still smarting from failing to burn their accursed town to the ground in August, so I was determined to obliterate in a way that they would long remember at our home.

What happened was the boys badly let me down and were second-best in a dour 0-0 draw. To be fair, none of them were born even thirty years before that bastard beat me up, so I guess I shouldn’t have been pumping them up to fight my long-forgotten battles. With Canvey Island scoring ten goals in three days and pulling seven points away, if we can stay strong and get through the play-offs, hopefully next season there will still be two tiers between us and Witham will disappear in a fog of financial meltdown. Meantime, I’d regain my poise and rationality and prepare the lads properly for the next game hosting Heybridge Swifts. We were again off-colour although we had plenty of chances. Playing half the match against ten men, it still took until the 87^th minute for Allison to find an equalizer in a 1-1 tie. While we were struggling to move our legs in the cold winter air, the older, tougher players of the three teams above us were having no such troubles and were opening up a serious gap from us. Ahead of a three-week winter break we had one more chance to get back to winning ways down at Brightlingsea Regent. With our central midfield looking particularly turgid this month, I brought in the old man of the squad, 21-year-old James Langdale for his first league minutes of this season. Lacking match sharpness, his hunger wasn’t enough to inspire tired minds and we allowed Regent’s only shot on target to determine the result, a very disappointing 0-1 defeat. We really needed that break.

[phnompenhandy]

January 2022

Three weeks on the training ground, friendlies, morale-building exercises – I did everything I could think of to get us freshened up and back to getting results to take us into the second half of the season. In training we did a bit of everything – maybe I should be drilling a few key skills, but nobody’s complained about training for a month, which makes a nice change. I recognized that the first match of the new year would be down on Canvey Island against a side that was a class above everyone else and the runaway leaders; if we could just keep the score respectable and remain positive, maybe we’d get going the following week. On New Years Day the board offered me a new contract. Even though no one was criticizing me for the poor results of last month, with us fading, and my memories of last year, I felt it prudent nor to push too hard. They tried to reduce my monthly income by 600 quid again, but when I requested the same again plus a promotion pay rise it was accepted without complaint. Given the 40% I conned out of them last year my income is actually more than satisfactory for this level if not on the level of the Canvey Island manager, the one and only Kieron Dyer.

The Gulls had more quality, but my boys really did dig deep to nullify them and this time we earned a 1-1 draw as underdogs. We could build on that as our next four matches were against eminently beatable teams so long as we showed the same spirit. The first one was home to struggling Romford; I wanted to keep the starting XI together, but I was concerned that the five substitutes were getting rusty and I thought we could still win the game by starting all of them. The result was I over-egged the changes as we labored to another 1-1 draw. We’d have to try harder and remember how to earn three points down at Brentwood. As we were preparing for the match, disaster struck. George Allison, our star man who’d been pretty flat over this winless streak, received an offer from St. Johnstone. It was our first monied offer at 9,000 quid but no way was I losing him for such a trivial sum. We had a falling out and I had to drop him for the game as his head wasn’t right. Somehow, the incident spurred the playing lads into action and Hart scored a two-minute brace to bring our first victory in two months. 2-0 Whew! Tierney didn’t cut it as the other striker, so for my next trick I brought back Jason Kennedy and for the first time utilized an attacking Target Man in the match against the gunslingers of Vickers, VCD Athletic. He was poor, we’ll need Allison back. 1-1.

After being rejected in my monthly request to improve the training facilities, I again got permission to recruit another coach, and an enhancement in youth recruitment, making us well-established in the Essex and Suffolk region. Let’s see if it brings us better academy products in a month or if the benefits will kick in next year.

[coady]

4 hours ago, phnompenhandy said:

January 2022

As we were preparing for the match, disaster struck. George Allison, our star man who’d been pretty flat over this winless streak, received an offer from St. Johnstone. It was our first monied offer at 9,000 quid but no way was I losing him for such a trivial sum. We had a falling out and I had to drop him for the game as his head wasn’t right. 

It's interesting how much more this seems to happen in FM19. It's frustrating when you're in the lower leagues, but good the game is far more realistic in that sense!

[phnompenhandy]

February 2022

February began with a trip to middle-of-the-road neighbours Coggeshall Town, a tie we were favourites to win, but then with one win in seven that meant little. It had dawned on me that the title and automatic promotion was way beyond our means now, but whilst we should still make the play-offs, we had little chance of winning them. As the board had expected us to finish mid-table, no one had really noticed or mentioned how poor our form was, but I felt it keenly. Having said that, we weren’t ready to compete at a higher level so it was all for the best. Having cogitated on such thought, I sent the side out the win the game, because that’s what I do. But it didn’t happen because the match was called off and rescheduled for three days after the following weekend’s match at home to Bury Town, one place but ten points ahead of us, one of the two sides challenging Canvey Island and were just a point off the top. They were too good for us as we lost 1-3. There were some poor performances though, and changes would be made for the delayed trip to Coggeshall Town. A kick up the team’s arse was just what was needed as we scored a rare victory, 2-1. In truth it was a poor quality match and didn’t look like the cusp of a revival, but I was happy to get home with all the points. There was no respite as we were back on the road to Tilbury where we just about scraped a 1-1 draw. The last match of the month was at home to Bowers & Pitsea; a couple of days before the game my coaches indicated that Allison had finally accepted that St. Johnstone wasn’t going to come in for him (if they’d sent scouts since their offer they’d have seen an apathetic individual) and he looked a bit more settled. I restored him to the line-up. He got two. We won 2-1. Welcome back George!

[phnompenhandy]

March 2022

We were in good spirits as we prepared for a long road trip for a short hop across the river to meet Felixstowe & Walton United (build a damn bridge!). Allison prompted Hart to bag a brace in a second consecutive 2-1 win. Have we got our mojo back? We’d find out in our next game as we welcomed now table-topping Hanwell Town. But first …..

Hello boys! Luther Blissett’s junior coaching team supplied our latest group of academy kids. Spreading our recruitment net wider resulted in catching two Essex lads who’d been born in Ireland – although the rest were all from the local comprehensive in Dovercourt. Did the investment in better junior coaching have any results? Oh yes. The two areas we most needed improving were central midfield – where we got a midfielder who looks phenomenally physical and appears to have the wherewithal to improve his skills, and at left midfield – where I didn’t see much promise but I think one or two lads could be trained to operate there. Possibly five of the kids could be long-term prospects, which in one academy batch is damn good. I gave deals to nine of them.

We went down 1-3 to Hanwell Town, who unsurprisingly outclassed us. Sawbridgeworth Town were beatable though, but we lost the game 1-2. However, with five games to go and a ten-point safety margin, I felt I could just about risk trialling two or three new academy kids in the first team and drop the poorest performers. In the end I gave debuts to two of last year’s academy intake and put two newbies on the bench as we hosted little (FC) Romania. We salvaged a 2-2 draw with two late goals.

[phnompenhandy]

April 2022

Despite needing just one point to secure a play-off spot, I took a gamble and started three of our new academy boys in the game at Walthamstow along with the pair I mentioned starting their second match. What a show they put on – after all this time I don’t know where it came from but we were great value for our 5-1 trouncing! We’re in the play-offs with three to go.

During the week I offloaded four players who’d been with us for two or three years but hadn’t made the grade. I’m still concerned that we’re deficient on the wings – especially left wing but there’s no point hanging onto young players who simply aren’t going to justify filling those vacancies. One I let go was Gary Tierney, a fairly decent striker who’d only scored six goals in three years; I felt I had a bit of a glut of promising strikers and needed to make room for the youngest ones. The number of strikers also convinced me to persist with two up top rather than going 4-3-3 to make better use of the skills of my players on the flanks. It means for the next 12 months our squad will be just 32 or less, with a tiny wage bill about a third of that allocated. A hat-trick from Allison saw off Grays Athletic, fighting for that last play-off spot, 3-1. Have he and we re-found our mojo in time to hit the play-offs in three games’ time? We’d be able to determine the answer in the next game at Needham Market who is the other club vying for that precious 5^th place. The game was a lot closer, largely because Allison was completely off his game after missing a 5^th-minute penalty, but we squeezed three points with a 1-0 result.

Our last match of the regular season was at home to Brightlingsea Regent. Rather than experiment with blooding more new kids, I felt the priority was to play well and win to give us momentum for the play-offs. The players had other ideas however, and were more concerned with avoiding injuries and conserving their energies. We went down 0-2 but spirits remained high and I don’t think any psychological harm was done. That honour went to  Hanwell who blew their chance of automatic promotion and handed the championship to Canvey Island.

 

[coady]

The new playoff system at that level is a mess, I can't wait to see how you get on with it.

[phnompenhandy]

3 minutes ago, coady said:

The new playoff system at that level is a mess, I can't wait to see how you get on with it.

Oh ho ho - just you wait!!!!!!

[phnompenhandy]

We’ve found ourselves deep in unknown territory here. We’re in a play-off system like nothing I’ve ever seen before. All I know is that on the last day in April we have a match against north-eastern outfit Belper Town in a quarter-final something at a neutral stadium called ABAX which appears to be the home of Peterborough United. If we get through that (I assume it’s one leg) there’s a semi-final and final. How many days between matches I do not know and therefore cannot plan for.  I’ve asked my scout and data analyst to compile some data on them but in truth they know no more than I could get for myself on youtube and google. They did dig out the rules for these play-offs – we could go to extra time and penalties, and then play the next round three days later! I’m glad they told me in time to reduce the playing time of our reserves.

The boys were somewhat spooked playing in a giant empty stadium with a huge TV screen reflecting their mistakes back at them. They slowly clawed their way into the game, aided by Belper inexplicably giving away three fouls on the edge of their box early door. On the third attempt Kelvin Hall converted one to give us the lead. The football was end-to-end, high tempo and not without quality from both sides. After brave, resolute defending from our back line, just before half time Allison had added a second. After an hour I felt we’d broken Belper so I took off the most important players to save for the semis and slowed the game to kill it. Belper got frustrated and gave away a penalty. We were three up, job done.

Except it wasn’t. In the last ten minutes our defence completely switched off. We gave their forward three goals, the last one an absolute Horlicks involving Joseph’s back pass and the keeper Harding going to sleep. We were very lucky not to concede again in the five minutes of stoppage time – the boys had absolutely lost the plot. I couldn’t tell them what I really thought; I had to choose my words carefully so they’d go back out and drag those tired limbs into another half hour. Would those substitutions do for me like they did for Sir Alf Ramsey in 1970?

There was no time for regrets; instead, I noted that Belper had been taking advantage of the referee’s leniency – no cards had been shown. So I instructed them to be smarter and harder. Five minutes after the kick-off he’d shown a straight red to one of my players and within a minute Belper had their fourth. Harding was having a Karius. In the last ten minutes we threw the kitchen sink at them. In the 121^st minutes the kitchen sink scored – in the poetic form of Hart dummying and rounding the keeper.

So I’d blown a 3-0 lead to finish 4-4. I’d taken off my three best penalty-takers, hadn’t I? Now here’s the thing about expectations – we had none, Belper had too much. They bottled it. By 4 penalties to 2, we won it!!!! Fantastic result, bit of prize money, but no way could these boys take to the field again in three days. I’d need to rustle up a scratch side.

[phnompenhandy]

May 2022

 

In playing the first play-off, we missed the fun on the telly. Liverpool saw off Manchester United twice over to do the treble. And Mourinho at Arsenal and Guardiola at Chelsea?! Celtic are of course champions of Scotland but for the first time in ten years, The New Saints lost their Welsh crown to Connah’s Quay Nomads.

On the Sunday the draw was held for the semi-finals. Did you naively think ‘semi’ refers to ‘two’? Oh no, there are TEN semi-finals! We got Team Solent, who’d had nine days since their last match to sail around the Isle of Wight. Seems fair. We were down in Croydon for that one. Non-league Croydon in a huge stadium with giant TV screens. Hmm. After considerable thought, I only made three changes to the line-up. Yes, the boys were exhausted, but I gambled the game would be decided one way or another over 90 minutes. The way I saw it, we were in unknown territory and the Belper-boppers had proved their mettle whereas I couldn’t know who else might freeze. If we were tying after 75 minutes, I’d just go crazy again to grab a winner or die trying. Let’s go

My selection seemed justified as we took the game to them in the first half, having now got the measure of this play-off malarkey. The Solent team seemed a yard slower, not having played for a bit. After an hour I had to decide whether to stick or twist. We were easily the better team but hadn’t scored largely because four times Hart has shot the ball straight at the keeper. I pulled him off and put young Foy-Hayes who’s come on as a sub and scored the fourth plus a penalty on Saturday. Just as he was jogging on, Allison collected a long ball and slammed the ball home. This time I didn’t over-tinker – we just slowed the game down and successfully saw it out. 1-0 and we’re in the final – well, a final – god knows how many there are.

Our final would be at Luton against the Brummies of Bromsgrove Sporting; they’d smashed Grays Athletic 3-0 (Hanwell had got to a final) so would be confident but at least as tired as us. The players were perfectly calm ahead of the biggest game in the club’s long life, including Kenny Hoyte who’d just graduated from our academy and was as cool as a long green salady thing. I don’t know what happened – it was fish in a barrel. How could we win a final 5-0? The score-line wasn’t flattering – we were unbelievable although Sporting were clearly fatigued (I haven’t given sufficient credit to our two coaches who specialize in fitness). The boy Hoyte opened after 4 minutes, Allison and Hart chipped in as did Kelvin Hall with his customary free kick - in his sophomore year, all the goals coming from outside the box. It’s a game that will be talked about for years in Essex, and we’re up!

 

 

[phnompenhandy]

Whilst we've still not made a single upgrade to our trining facilities, our youth recruitment and coaching are providing major dividends. Here are three outstanding kids from the latest academy intake. you've just met Hoyte, but the other two should break through big time next season:

 

[phnompenhandy]

June 2022

There are four divisions in the seventh tier; although Canvey Island and Hanwell were promoted from the same division as us, they’ve gone into the Isthmian Premier League whereas we are in the Southern League Premier Central which comprises mostly East Midlands clubs although Lowestoft and Sudbury are not too far from us. There are 22 teams in the division, meaning the season will be a bit lengthier. The board and bookies are expecting a midtable finish which I think is about right, although I recall we all said the same this time last year. My data analyst, however, insists that George Allison aside, our young squad is the weakest at this level, particularly in technical skills. The board has accepted a double request to enhance our project by increasing junior coaching to an ‘excellent’ level and youth recruitment to ‘extensive’. Roll on next March already!

[coady]

9 hours ago, phnompenhandy said:

Whilst we've still not made a single upgrade to our trining facilities, our youth recruitment and coaching are providing major dividends. Here are three outstanding kids from the latest academy intake. you've just met Hoyte, but the other two should break through big time next season:

 

 

3 hours ago, phnompenhandy said:

June 2022

 

There are four divisions in the seventh tier; although Canvey Island and Hanwell were promoted from the same division as us, they’ve gone into the Isthmian Premier League whereas we are in the Southern League Premier Central which comprises mostly East Midlands clubs although Lowestoft and Sudbury are not too far from us. There are 22 teams in the division, meaning the season will be a bit lengthier. The board and bookies are expecting a midtable finish which I think is about right, although I recall we all said the same this time last year. My data analyst, however, insists that George Allison aside, our young squad is the weakest at this level, particularly in technical skills. The board has accepted a double request to enhance our project by increasing junior coaching to an ‘excellent’ level and youth recruitment to ‘extensive’. Roll on next March already!

 

The personalities of those youth players are all decent or better, that work has paid off.

At least the playoff system was realistic! So many southern teams come up & then you have semi-pro teams 20 miles north of London threatened with playing in the National League North against teams from Cumbria & Northumberland!

[phnompenhandy]

5 hours ago, coady said:

The personalities of those youth players are all decent or better, that work has paid off.

Yes, I've got the HoYD sussed and brilliant upgrades to get in kids who have terrific personalities (those who don't are immediately terminated), are good enough to go straight into the first team and with enormous potential, but then I hit two bottle-necks.

1. Either it's me being dim or it's the FM19 system, but I can't get mentoring right. The new intake kids come in with higher determination and professionalism than their older, influential colleagues, so what mentoring does is drag down the kids' attributes and leave everyone with a sludgy mean of 10. I think it might be better if I don't mentor the youngest ones at all.

2. The board consistently refuse to fork out to upgrade the training facilities. They have steadily increased the number of coaches I can hire, so I now have six first team ones plus U23 staff to specialise, but they're all around 2.5 stars, so the quality of training is very limited. The result is those who get regular first-team game time progress brilliantly, but there's a wide gap whereby those who have bags of potential but need to develop more are not having their needs met and after a year or two (when they turn 18) I have to release them.

My fear is that with the board's imbalanced approach, as we get more visible, bigger clubs are going to come prowling - first Allison then my other best players may get picked off for derisory sums, or my relationship with the squad will be destroyed in my attempts to keep them. We saw hints of that already. Tricky one.

[phnompenhandy]

July 2022

Previously I’ve always opted for a truncated, four-week pre-season, but this time I’ve brought them back five weeks early and packed in more friendlies so that I can have a longer and better look at my squad (13 in all, to also adequately check out the U23s and U18 squads). With the success of our academy I feel that I’ve got more viable first-team squad members than I’ve had before and thus need to scrutinise the lads more closely (Of our tight squad of 32 there are only about five whom I feel have little to offer going forward although unfortunately one was our club captain – I gave the honour to Allison but Preece told me he was quite happy with the decision. I’ve sent Blackwell on a leadership course and he’ll be the vice-captain on completion). Looking at the attributes of some of the new candidates, I’m considering small tweaks to our tactics such as having another go at full-backs on wing-back duties in combination with a central midfield enforcer who holds his position in front of the defence.

Three players who don’t look like world-beaters but have progressed over two or three years to get into our first-team squad, and a fresh defender who’s on my fringes.

[phnompenhandy]

Rather awkwardly, as I had popular ex-player Stuart Reddick on the books as a scout, I decided to release the chief scout once his contract expired and promote Reddick into the role. The problem was he demanded a silly pay rise, lost face and quit. I’d lost both my scouts overnight but it was easy enough to draft in a new one – I only needed one to scout upcoming opposition as all my incoming players are academy graduates. More awkwardly, having made Allison my captain, he’s had his head turned by St. Johnstone again. He’s in a sulk because I told him 8,000 quid is not a sum I willing to let him go for. Gotta big problem. I had to drop him for the huge 1,000 sell-out local derby with Colchester United (a thrilling 3-3 draw). He’d also made it clear he felt too much pressure wearing the armband so I made Blackwell club captain – now Allison is furious abut that. Less urgently, I lost one fringe player who wouldn’t renew his contract on part-time terms, insisted on a non-contract and then predictably decamped. I’m also moving two no-hopers on. I’ll be in trouble if we get injuries in central midfield but for now a full squad of 29 is okay.

[phnompenhandy]

August 2022

To commence the eight fixtures we’d play in August, our new dawn in the Southern League Premier Central involved hosting a team that has played for the last thirty years in the Northern Premier League (and the Cheshire league for decades before that), Staffordshire Potteries side Kidsgrove Athletic. I confess the reorganization of these non-league divisions has me geographically befuddled; I can only hope our coach driver has a sound GPS system. Having taken the gamble to play our furious and trouble-making captain Allison, an hour before kick-off he got wind of yet another offer from St. Johnstone. They’ve doubled their offer to 16K. Whoopsy-do. Are there not rules against this sort of thing?

I don’t understand why the bookies are tipping us – from the outset it was clear this modest Kidsgrove outfit were pinging the ball around better than we’ve been used to. Nevertheless, after soaking up a bit of pressure, in our first attack we won a free kick and Kelvin Hall stepped up to blast it into the net, continuing his very tidy streak of goals from free kicks. After that we were controlling the game but our most offensive three were really flat, so on the hour mark I replaced Armitage and Allison with fresh kids, Bannister and Rich. They might start the next game because we won’t beat better opponents with Allison stinking up the attack; as it was we did enough to win the game 1-0.

Our first road trip three days later was straightforward – up to Royal Leamington Spa in Warwickshire to admire all that Georgian architecture and that, and to face fancied side Leamington FC. The players weren’t fit enough so soon in the season to play so soon so I made seven changes although I gave the front two, Allison and Hart a second chance. Prior to that Josh Briggs left us with our blessing – he’d fallen down the defender pecking-order and I couldn’t guarantee him adequate match-time. Spencer Lench joined him out the door. Whilst I leave all money-matters to my wife and chairwoman, I noticed a possibly significant development – the grant money that has kept us solvent over these last four years appears to have dried up. I don’t think we can break even without the council’s help. We’ve got a nest-egg of half a million – I don’t know how long it will last but maybe that’s the reason the board has persistently turned down my appeals to upgrade the training facilities.

Up at the New Windmill, we were dogged rather than entertaining, but it looked like we’d take three points when Hart converted Allison’s pass late on until we conceded from a stoppage-time corner. Still, 1-1 was a decent result for us.

Another road trip followed that Saturday up to another erstwhile Northern League side and title contender, Grantham Town in Lincolnshire. It’s the club where Martin O’Neill began his managerial career although the town itself will ever be cursed for birthing Thatcher. Grantham were early table-toppers but had had 24 hours less rest than us so were more tired. I persisted with Allison despite his continuing poor morale. He and the rest of the team performed at the same level as in midweek, but we were overwhelmed by better opposition and went down 2-4 with Allison’s strike-partner de jour, Foy-Hayes receiving a late red card.

For our third away fixture on the bounce we didn’t have to travel quite so far as we rocked up at the Hertfordshire market town of Hitchin. They’d also made a strong start and were fancied to do well. Morale was starting to drop so I left Allison out of the starting line-up in favour of excited young lad Harrison Rich and gave O’Neill his first start at the back too. We were spared a midweek FA Cup Extra Preliminary Round tie but in the draw for the next phase we leaned we’d meet Enfield Town in a couple of weeks. When we rendezvoused at the coach on the morning of the match I could sense something was off – Allison has been spreading his negativity around and group morale was worrying. I could neither prove nor say anything. What I’d like to do is isolate him from training and any contact with the young lads but I suspect that would take things to breaking point. I bit my tongue and prepared them for the match. The mood visibly changed as this rocking match progressed. Bannister, Rich and O’Neill all scored, but we were pegged back to 3-3 in the first minute of stoppage time, only for none other than Allison to come off the bench and score a 97^th minute winner.  You couldn’t write this; you wouldn’t even get it in a computer game – such drama! 4-3!

That match put us in far better spirits as well looked forward to hosting Cambridge City on the Wednesday. It’s a club I’m fond of as I went to see them a couple of times in the 90s when I worked at the University (mostly I was only there for a few weeks in the summer off-season)

and the team actually played in the city before they were cheated out of their ground in a scandalous deal. Talking of which, St. Johnstone are buzzing around like a pesky mosquito – 25K is their latest offer. Another midge in the form of Livingston have matched it Where’s the fly spray? Allison would start on the bench again; this thing’s got to be sorted. In the meantime, we were turgid, only had two shots and lost 1-2. Really really has to be sorted, George.

[phnompenhandy]

The wife and I had to leave the squad for a week to attend to business and social interests in Cambodia (an interminable round of weddings, mostly). But just before we left a member of the backroom staff took a photo of our pitch and uploaded it to Twitter, so here is the Memorial Ground, Little Oakley

 

 

[phnompenhandy]

Although I had to be absent for the match, the next game was one I wanted to win – the FA Cup Preliminary Round tie against Enfield Town. True, elimination would help us consolidate in the league but well, it’s the FA Cup, innit? I gave instructions to prepare what one paper looked like a weakened side but in truth involved dropping our poorly-performing regulars and giving lesser youths a real chance to grab a place in the first team squad. That meant a front two not of Allison and Hart, but Foy-Hayes (whose red card in the last match didn’t affect the cup) and Rich. I also brought up a fresh 16-year-old midfielder whose been doing okay in the Under 18s to join the bench in place of the woeful Armitage. I gave Allison a break from training and dropped him from the match-day squad to isolate him until I got back to the UK.

Enfield Town are one of those clubs with a decent pedigree (as Enfield FC it was the best non-league club in England in the 1980s just prior to automatic promotion) who’ve gotten shafted by dodgy chairmen and property developers in recent years. The club actually split into two (kind of) with Enfield 1893 being its estranged twin. Last season Town got relegated and switched places with us but are looking good for instant promotion. As such their quality is really at least equal to ours. The game was sheer filth – tons of cards and straight after half-time Foy-Hayes got a red for the second game in succession. In truth, they’ve been for four relatively innocuous fouls, but he has to be smarter. I’ll be having strong words. Unfortunately, the result was exactly what I didn’t want – a 1-1 draw. We go again in three days, and I’ll be back in the dugout.

Whoever had the legs could go again (providing they do NOT go for extra time) but Rich was poor (hah!) so Allison played with my eyes closely on him with Hart having to partner him due to Foy-Hayes now being banned. So down to North London we went and turned them over 2-0 within the 90 minutes despite Allison wasting a few sitters. They were more tired than we were and got themselves two red cards to add to the one they earned in the last game whilst we managed to keep all our boys on the pitch. We’ll face Hayes & Yeading who just dropped out of the Vanarama to play out our level next.

[phnompenhandy]

I did have to rest the bulk of the squad that played those two cup ties for the trip the full length of Suffolk to Lowestoft Town, recently of the Vanarama North, so I tried out a front two of Rich and Kennedy even though they didn’t really combine the way I wanted in training, and gave a debut to the midfield lad Peter Heywood. The changes were forced on me but I put a positive spin on it in my team talks. As Lowestoft had played a re-arranged league game on the Wednesday, I’d hoped fresh young legs might take advantage. They were fresh – but slow. In having to rest Joseph it meant I had no one with pace at the back and we got caught out although we managed to come away with a 2-2 draw which I felt was fair. Blackwell, who is our de facto captain when Allison is dropped, provided the assists for both our goals. Rich got injured which, combined with Foy-Hayes being banned almost forces me to recall Allison sounds like fate; if only he’d get his arse into gear I’m sure we’d storm up the table. Without him, we’ll struggle. Currently, we’re sat in 14^th.

 

I resisted, however. I left Allison at home for the month-ending journey to Hednesford Town where I paired Hart with Kennedy and went with a target man rather than poacher for the first time I can remember. Another ‘Northern’ team, they’re just off the motorway in Staffordshire, so not a difficult place to get to. They’re mid-table like us, but undefeated at home. Would the enquiries cease one the month of August was over? St. Johnstone are now offering over 30K and the likes of Peterborough and Port Vale are badgering us. Hednesford let a kid go to Arsenal for 40K but I’m positive Allison has far more potential, and anyway, that kid ended up in Australia via Grimsby. George can do better if he puts his trust in me.

Hednesford’s home record fell as we overcame them with two goals in the last ten minutes to claim a hard-fought 2-1 win. The front combo didn’t work at all but Kelvin Hall supplied two glorious crosses from the right for skipper-de-jour Lee Hart to stab home. A shout-out ought to go to young John Bannister who’s proving to be our best player and worthy successor to Stuart Reddick in midfield. Armitage, now in the Under 23 squad will be ruing blowing his chance to nail the position with lackadaisical early season displays.

As much as I would have loved to send the same lads out to face the Middlesex toffs of Hayes & Yeading United in the FA Cup First Qualifying round, the match came to soon so I had to resort to a second-choice line-up even including George Allison. Our opponents had recently been fully professional as they competed well in the Vanrama National, and although their status has faded, they still ought to have been far stronger than us at our best.

[phnompenhandy]

September 2022

The month depressingly started with another bid to unsettle a player – this time York City bid buttons for Chris Crawford, the left back our staff have insisted for the last three years is the best player at the club even though e never actually demonstrates that on the pitch. Nevertheless, he is one of only two left backs in my squad and is going nowhere.

In the FA Cup, history was made. History would have been made even if we lost mind, but against all the odds we overwhelmed out posh opponents in a sensational 3-1 score-line. George Allison came out all guns blazing, missed a key penalty but still bagged a brace to take the laurels. Was he playing for us or the visiting scouts – and Peterborough manager - I could not answer on the day and chose to ignore the question. Instead, I hit on what I hope is a canny tactic. As he was stinking out the training ground anyway, I persuaded the board to sign him up for a leadership course and they agreed. My ironic intention is to redirect his puffed up ego while keeping the ‘leader’ away from his charges. Astoundingly, his immediate reaction was to publicly declare that he wants to ignore the interest and stay at the club. Have I just won the war?

Our first league match in September was back up the motorway to Staffordshire to engage Leek Town who used to play in Manchester regional divisions and were in the Vanarama National a while back. They seem to be in perpetual financial trouble and are currently in poor form, lying in 20^th place. If we played how we were capable of, we should travel home with three points. Looking ahead a couple of weeks, we also learned out next FA Cup tie would be at home to Boston Town (playing at level ten, not United). I didn’t let that news distract us though; I was determined not to squander the chance to climb the table with a victory over Leek. Their leaky defence was the victim of a comic book plot as our hero George Allison put a smile on his face and blasted in four goals, the first being his 100^th for the club (at age 19). 4-1. This man-management lark is a breeze, eh?

[phnompenhandy]

With Allison ‘in the zone’, ably abetted by Hart, I had those two and Joseph at the back take the field two days later with fresh support to play Halesowen Town. With Hall and Hart chipping in before Allison added a late pair, we gained another comfortable 4-1 victory to sail up the table into a tasty 7^th position. Happy though we were, I had to give a complete rest to a number of the boys and cobble together a very inexperienced side including another debut 16-year-old striker for the delayed visit of St. Ives (and their seven wives) Town who had just won their sixth game on the bounce and were sitting one place above us. The problem was our scout reported that their front line is full of speedsters and with Joseph not fit to play, we had to sit very deep, and I chose to stay compact, but that meant without Allison we lacked pace up top too. It would not be entertaining. With probably the weakest side I’ve put out with unfamiliar tactics they did well to take a 2-0 lead but collapsed in the last 15 minutes to a 2-3 home defeat. No shame under the circumstances. At least the local lad Kieran Kellett scored on his debut whilst Kelvin Hall got this third from a direct free kick in only ten games. What the match clearly showed though, was that Heinrich Joseph is as necessary at the back as George Allison is up top.

Joseph returned to ensure we didn’t slip up in the Second Qualifying Round of the FA Cup at Boston Town, whilst Allison and Hart started on the bench. Well they were meant to but I absent-mindedly forgot to withdraw Harrison Rich from an Under 18 fixture, and he was off in a minibus by the time I realized we were a man short, so Allison played the 90 minutes. Foy-Hayes opened the scoring before I substituted him for Hart, who doubled the score-line in a routine 2-0 win. Our chairwoman is enquiring how they managed to get a giant TV screen into their tenth tier ramshackle wooden stadium. Our next round encounter would be against a team in the same division, Kirby Muxloe.

The reason I didn’t want to start Allison is because three days later we had to ride a cock horse to Banbury United, sitting in second place and on a hot streak. George was fine though and clearly wants to prove a point. And yet we were pulverised 0-4. We couldn’t cope with the quality of their long balls and Banbury crosses; they are, quite simply, a better version of us, a vision of where I’d like us to be in 12 months. Next up would be a contrast - my sister’s home town and last-placed side, Rugby Town, home of Lewis Carroll and pioneering egg-chasers. 3-1, two more from Allison.

[phnompenhandy]

[phnompenhandy]

October 2022

We had an unprecedented midweek free before the FA Cup Third Qualifying Round tie at Leicestershire village Kirby Muxloe. During that time Blackwell completed his leadership course, insisting it was a complete waste of time, and two youths demanded non-contract terms. Let’s just forget about that and do some different training routines to keep the moaners happy. The game was a niggly, forgettable one with us picking up three unnecessary late bookings, but the score of 3-1 takes to unknown heights.

Most of that winning side was rested for the next league encounter at Stafford Rangers (nickname: the Boro. Huh?). They had their heyday in the 70s when they made the fourth round of the FA Cup and again in the 90s when they made the second round after selling Stan Collymore and again in 2006 when they reached the second round whilst in the Vanarama National league (as it’s known now). Their recent decline has been complicated by the customary construction and financial shenanigans. Their on-loan striker is an exciting player who was our academy product but who opted to leave us back in 2019, Ollie Hatzidakis. He went to Brighton, never got a game, was released to Newport County and hasn’t played for them either. Oh, Ollie, if only you’d stayed. A lesson for George and any other youth of ours who get blinded by the lights (we’ll not mention he’s on triple Allison’s salary – it’s not all about money, right?). Typically, just as I was spelling out my sage advice to the squad, Lee Hart, my other key forward, demanded to leave for Gateshead. Back to square one. Hart was left out the squad for the Stafford Rangers game; Allison created both goals in a 2-1 victory. Hatzidakis assisted the ‘Boro’s’ goal but still had to rue his hasty decision to leave us.

A couple of my backroom staff proudly displayed a pair of badges they’d been awarded on completion of some spare-time courses. We had a chat in my office to make some minor tweaks to our training sessions and we managed to eke out half a star in one of the technical sessions that we rarely use. Baby steps and all that.

 

[phnompenhandy]

And we’ve finally drawn a big fish. We’ll be at home to full-time, ex-league Hartlepool United. Unbelievable, Jeff! The game is expected to be a sell-out - we meet them in two weeks and as a result have to face the top team in our league, Basford, just three days later. That scheduling could seriously damage our promotion chances, but on the other hand, should we miraculously make it to the First Round of the FA Cup proper, we could play at the likes of QPR or Portsmouth, with their gates of 18,000+. The following weekend we’re scheduled to play a tier eight side in the FA Trophy, the Massive of Staines Town. I’m not as excited about that.

We had eleven days to prepare for that match, and in the run up to the big game enthusiasm was increasing, and both Allison and Crawford dropped their season-long resentments against me, leaving just Hart with his fresh sulk. He’d be left out of the squad for the monkey-hangers if his attitude didn’t improve – heartless to leave Hart out of the Hartlepool game? Tough – I will impose discipline on these young impressionable kids. It’s for their best. Although we had three separate training sessions before the cup tie, it wasn’t until just before the last one that my scout and data analyst we ready to meet with me to discuss the opposition. Turns out they got some younger, whiter Usain Bolt up top. Even with Joseph, out back line will get scalped if we don’t sit very very deep. We tried this once before and were awful. Oh well.

The match. There wasn’t a vacant house in the village, we had sold our entire allocation of 1,000 tickets. We soon realized that the speedster and club captain had taken up a nominally inside right position, but that the whole line-up had terrifying pace. I think I’ll focus on that in long-term training and try to bring our lads up to similar standards in a couple of years.

I told the lads to keep calm and keep shape, and see if we could spring an upset. Our tactic ceded possession to them but initially we nullified their speed advantage, only to concede on twenty minutes from a midfielder accelerating away from his marker and unleashing a rocket outside the box. We kept going, the boys playing without fear, in particular young Foy-Hayes who was the beneficiary of Hart’s negativity. On forty minutes a far-post corner was met by George Allison and we were level. As the second half got underway, right-winger Christian Blackwell, who’d supplied the corner and was playing instead of Kelvin Hall, took a free-kick just outside the penalty area and scored! Just a minute later Hartlepool had equalizer with yet another shot from outside the box. After that there were no good chances and lots of fouls – until the 90^th minute when Allison was brought down for a penalty, dispatched it cool as you like. It was 3-2. We then played the best football of our lives to soak up five minutes of intense pressure to rewrite the history books. Little Little Oakley was in the FA Cup!

[phnompenhandy]

As the chairwoman counted the money – 24K in gate receipts and more in prize money, we had to prepare to face table-topping Basford United from Nottingham. We were now fit enough to play a second game in midweek so only Bannister, who accumulated five yellow cards, missed out. After our traditionally sluggish August, in seven league games we’d beaten the teams below us and lost to two above us. According to that form-book we ought to lose to Basford who had three weeks’ rest, but straight after our giant-killing? We felt confident. Tired, but confident. We were momentarily distracted by the underwhelming news that our FA Cup opponents would be Kidderminster Harriers, runaway leaders of the Vanarama North – i.e. not a big draw, not likely to be televised, away to an in-form side. Basford also had a nippy striker so I kept the deep defensive line. Oh boy, did that work. We smashed them 4-0 with every player playing a blinder. Sorry Hart, but your stand-in Foy-Hayes grabbed a spectacular hat-trick. Maybe I will let you disappear in cold, foggy Gateshead after all. Muppet.

I had a decision to make. In three days the Staines Massive would be in da house, Booyaka and all that. I was intending to play a second-string side and rest the heroes, but they are purring. Could I risk sending them out again and doing the job inside 90 minutes? Dammit, in the main yes I could and would. I did give a rest to Foy-Hayes and Joseph, so Hart would get a last chance and I’d retain that marvelous deep line with slow defenders. Bannister would return but Blackwell was banned so Hall would start. So I endeavoured to motivate the lads to get through the FA Trophy First Qualifying Round at home to Staines Town without being very motivated myself. I got more and more excited as the game progressed, however, with us slaughtering them 7-1 including a late hat-trick from Allison after they’d thrown in the towel. Every player, even Harty, played magnificently. That was a club record score for us; they are really enjoying their football. Assuming we go out in the FA Cup at Kidderminster in a fortnight, we should be able to manage the fixtures in this competition, so long as we’re spared any replays.

 

 

[phnompenhandy]

Back in December 2018 we had a ‘testimonial’ featuring my original squad for the manager and staff who departed in July of that year as my wife and I along with Dario Gradi took over the club with local rivals Harwich. Here is a youtube video of the game. The local community turned out in great numbers to show their appreciation. Needless to say, the quality of football has improved beyond recognition since the fruits of our academy graduated into the squad.

Little Oakley 15 minutes on youtube

 

 

Can you see me in the dugout?  ;-)

 

Actually, this thread has turned into a spooky meta-narrative as the club and players have discovered it and have been commenting on my Twitter feed. To your knowledge has it happened before that the club and players you are managing in a fictional world have intruded into the story like that?????

[phnompenhandy]

The last fixture in October was a trip to Spalding, a pleasant little Fenland town that likes its tulips – we don’t meet so many clubs from such places at this level anymore. I could have brought in fringe players, although with everyone on hot form, it’s not so accurate to refer to many of them as ‘fringe’. However, we had a whole week to recover, and victory would probably put us into the play-off zone and bring us closer to the top teams, so I decided to put out our strongest line-up. Hart and Joyce played an hour with the Under 23s to see if their attitudes would become more positive. The plan was that my first choice eleven would beat Spalding United before getting a week’s rest ahead of the FA Cup tie at Kidderminster, whilst my quite able second choice eleven would face AFC Sudbury, two places ahead of us in the league in the midweek fixture. A George Allison penalty was enough to see a routine 1-0 result.

 

[phnompenhandy]

November 2022

With the prize money I was bringing into the club I felt is reasonable to request the board finally upgrade our training facilities. As per usual, they didn’t see the need. The win at Spalding put us a point ahead of AFC Sudbury and up to fourth in the table. At our Memorial Ground we brushed them aside 4-1 including a brace from Hart despite still not talking to me as the entire team played as if they were pressing their cases for regular first-team involvement, particularly Hall and Fitzjohn on the wings. We consolidated fourth place, now only four points (and a few goals) shy of the top.

And so with our eight-match winning streak, we travelled up to Kidderminster Harriers’ Aggborough Stadium in fine fettle for our historic FA Cup First Round tie – we couldn’t have been in better spirits despite fully understanding the impossibility of the task ahead. We were only one of six teams at our level left in the competition after all. On the coach Hart declared that he was now happy to stay although I ascertained that the reason appeared to be that Gateshead had lost interest; I told him he was still starting on the bench. With over 1600 in attendance, the game started very tentatively but the Harriers stepped up a gear and opened the scoring. We started to work our way into the match and with half-time coming up Allison crossed to Foy-Hayes and it was 1-1. In the 89^th minute we won a corner but the ball broke to the Harriers and they caught us with a sucker punch and we were knocked out 1-2. It was a heroic run, no one can take that away from us. So, we were free to contest the FA Trophy (I sound like an Egyptian turtle, in denial).

Our now-competent second-string lined up to take on West Sussex outfit Horsham in the FA Trophy Second Qualifying Round. Uniquely, I had the entire reserve and Under 18 squad in my first team squad as all eleven heroes got the midweek off. In truth, I approached the game far too complacently and we deserved no more than the 0-0 draw with only our 16-year-old debutant goalkeeper worth a mention. With the replay only three days later, it would be the first team competing in the sucky-cup round after all. They were as unenthusiastic as I was, bored their way to a 1-1 draw, did little in extra time and blew the penalty shoot-out. Well, the next round would have been a toughie at Boston United and to be honest, I’d rather just focus on the league and have a real good go at winning it (they knocked Horsham out the following Saturday). It’s just a shame that the second-string would get fewer competitive minutes. I also hoped that Claude Puel, now managing Peterborough would not continue to pursue his interest in Allison even though he was our best player on the day. I hadn’t reckoned on Leyton Orient stirring him up in the press.

With no further interest in the Trophy, we got a weekend break and would travel to Coalville Town on the Tuesday. It’s a place I’d never heard of and turns out to be somewhere in Leicestershire with a history in coal and Christians. The club itself was in the pits of the relegation zone and with a goalkeeper ready to down tools. It was same players (except for Hart getting a recall to the starting line-up) but a completely different team that exhausted the miners 3-0 with an all-round impressive display including a customary brace from Allison. That was followed quickly by a game at home to St. Neots Town. We weren’t great but Allison and hart saw us win 2-0 and it was good to see them combining again. If they can both stay happy I can’t see anyone standing in our way now, although Puel was still prowling. Other results went our way and we’re second, just a point behind Basford.