Once in a Blue Moon?

[sherm]

Many people believe Nottingham Forest are the only European Cup winners to be relegated to the third tier of English football. This is, in a sense, right, but I bet that very few people know who the first winners of a European trophy were to suffer that indignation? The answer is Manchester City. They were relegated in 1998, after several poor seasons, and this was a decline that was made even worse by the fact that their great rivals, Manchester United, were about to win the treble the following season. To be fair, the blue half of Manchester have recovered since then, and now, in June 2007, they have been the subject of a take-over bid from former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.

Many big names have been singled out to be the new manager. Juande Ramos, Felipe Scolari, Claudio Ranieri, Sven-Goran Eriksson. All established names in the world of football, and names that could take the former great side back top those glory days of the early 60's. The only complaint that many of the fans at Eastlands have is that the Thai owner might not know his football that much. He did his best to assure the Man City fans that he did know what he was doing, but after two weeks in charge, he made the mistake of appointing a manager that nobody knew anything about. He had history in the coaching department, and although he played international football as a player, he didn't have that much experience in the handling of players. How would he cope in the big bad world of Premiership football? Could he handle himself? They were the questions that were bandied about, asked by experts of the footballing world. The answers would soon be discovered, but before any of that, I suppose you had better meet him first hadn't you?

[sherm]

Many people believe Nottingham Forest are the only European Cup winners to be relegated to the third tier of English football. This is, in a sense, right, but I bet that very few people know who the first winners of a European trophy were to suffer that indignation? The answer is Manchester City. They were relegated in 1998, after several poor seasons, and this was a decline that was made even worse by the fact that their great rivals, Manchester United, were about to win the treble the following season. To be fair, the blue half of Manchester have recovered since then, and now, in June 2007, they have been the subject of a take-over bid from former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.

Many big names have been singled out to be the new manager. Juande Ramos, Felipe Scolari, Claudio Ranieri, Sven-Goran Eriksson. All established names in the world of football, and names that could take the former great side back top those glory days of the early 60's. The only complaint that many of the fans at Eastlands have is that the Thai owner might not know his football that much. He did his best to assure the Man City fans that he did know what he was doing, but after two weeks in charge, he made the mistake of appointing a manager that nobody knew anything about. He had history in the coaching department, and although he played international football as a player, he didn't have that much experience in the handling of players. How would he cope in the big bad world of Premiership football? Could he handle himself? They were the questions that were bandied about, asked by experts of the footballing world. The answers would soon be discovered, but before any of that, I suppose you had better meet him first hadn't you?

[sherm]

Just a few housekeeping notes. This is a game that I have been playing for a while, but, due to other reasons and other games, it has been slow moving (at least by my standard anyway)

However, I was doodling and came up with an idea for a character for a story. I haven't really gone into great details about my character in previous efforts, possibly my Nottingham Forest attempt being the only one. I really wanted to delve deeper into the character's past history and personal life. They are the stories that have gripped me before, and I really feel it could provide a good tale

Game is being played on FM08 (possibly my favourite of all versions) with the 8.0.1 patch. All English leagues loaded, then the top divisions in Scotland, Spain, Italy and France. I hope this turns out to be as good as some examples of what I've read, and I hope you all enjoy it

[sherm]

Allan Bryant was an 18 year old kid, in fact just 10 days past that age when he was signed by Brighton and Hove Albion in 1982 by the manager at the time, Jimmy Melia. They were a well known club, but their recent history hadn't been much to write about. This 18 year old kid was drafted into the team for the last three games of the season, and showed no fear, running at defenders, and bagging three goals in the three games he played. This cameo at the end of the season set the tone for his career, and he went on to play 302 games for the club over the course of 10 years, scoring 197 goals in that time. Eventually, at the age of 28 and following his best goalscoring season, in 1991/92, during which he bagged 34 goals, 29 in the league, he completed a £350,000 move to Coventry City. He had a great start to his career with them, scoring 14 goals before Christmas, but his season was cut short with a knee injury, and he managed just 3 more after that in a stop start campaign. It was the next two seasons that he really hit the highs, scoring a combined total of 59 goals, almost single handedly keeping the Sky Blues in the Premiership, and being voted player of the year in 1994, at the age of 30. A total of 273 career goals in twelve seasons was an exceptional record, but it was at that point that his world came tumbling down

After marrying his long term partner of 14 years, Katie Bennett, in a ceremony in Barbados in 1994, he was scheduled to have another season at Coventry as an integral part of the team, but he wasn't the same player. Just two weeks after the honeymoon, his new bride was killed in a car crash. Allan had been driving home when a lorry came charging out of a side street, crashing into the passenger side of the car. She had been thrown from the vehicle and killed, while he suffered a broken arm and a few cuts. He was devastated, and he took responsibility. It wasn't his fault, but he felt he could have done more. Friends and family were with him all the way, and Coventry City were so supportive of him. Two months after her death, Allan made his long awaited return to action at Highfield Road, starting against Liverpool. In what has gone down as possibly one of the most emotional days in Coventry City's history, Allan bagged the winning goal in a 1-0 win, and when he was substituted he was surrounded by players of both sides. The tears streamed down his face, and I'm sure it was a day he will always remember in his heart. That was nearly 13 years ago, October 1994, and although he has got over the loss of the only woman he has ever loved, he still mourns her. However, his football career carried on to this day.

After ending his playing career in 1996, aged 32, with 305 goals in 518 games, and amassing two caps for England, he went into the coaching side of the game. After finishing his level 1 and level two badges, he went back to his old club as youth team coach in 2000. For four years he worked under seven managers, until eventually, he took the assistant manager's job at Premiership side Middlesbrough, working under Steve McLaren. Now, in 2007, he has been given his first chance at management, as he has been appointed by Manchester City, and charged with taking the club forward again. He feels it is possible, and it is a chance of a life-time for him, and though he has his doubters, Allan Bryant is confident that he can succeed in his new role.

[sherm]

I have a bit of a hidden agenda to be honest. When I lost Katie, it killed me inside. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish anything like that upon the most hated person in my life. From the moment we met, I knew we had a special bond. We were perfect together, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this one woman instantly. We went through so much together, more than many people go through in a lifetime. I lost my dad when I was 20, and two years later, she lost her mum. Just a year before we got married, her brother was diagnosed with bowel cancer, and he passed away four years ago. We stayed in touch after Katie passed away, and it was another dagger when he went to join her in front of the good lord. I owe him so much, as it was his help and persistence that helped me through those 18 months after I stopped playing football. I really hit the lowest ebb of my life. I was drinking too much, gambling too much, and I even started going on all night benders. I was not the same person, and when I woke up in hospital, with tubes and pipes sticking out of me, I thought to myself "I've had enough of this". That was the moment that I realised I needed to sort my life out, and I started on the coaching course at the F.A.

It's been 13 years since Katie passed away, and although I have recovered, gotten over it, I wish it was me. She didn't deserve that. She was the sweetest and kindest person I have ever known, and when I saw her lying there, in the hospital. God that was hard. I still think that sometimes I could have done more for her, and treated her better. When we got married, it was the happiest day of my life. I will never forget her, and she will live on in my heart for the rest of my life

---

Derek Fazackerley has been at the club for six years, and his in depth knowledge of this club will be very useful to my somewhat in-experienced eye. The rest of the board were waiting in the board room, and 'Faz' introduced me to the likes of John Wardle and Alistair Mackintosh, before leaving me to have a very interesting chat for the next three hours. They all had massive ambitions for Manchester City, and despite the fact I had yet to meet my chairman in person, I knew he felt the same way as they did

There were a mixture of nationalities in the squad, with players from Brazil, Bulgaria, Croatia, and a host of other nations. Many of these were internationals, and would give a really good account of themselves in the Premiership. However, any squad can always be improved, and the scouts of Manchester City would be vital to my plans for the future of this club. I wanted to build my own squad, and I had the bankroll of our Thai chairman if I needed it. I think the fans wanted a big money signing, needed a big money signing to realise that we were a side with great ambitions, and that I meant business. This was a club that was once amongst the greats in England, and I wanted them to re-visit the heights they were once at.

[sherm]

I had my own ideas, and my own methods, but I was worried that the players at the club may be used to other things, and not adapt to mine. My fears were quashed early on though, as the players enjoyed their first training session under my management. I do have a training thing I used at Middlesbrough. It's called 'four corners', and it allows a 90 second burst of passing, tackling, shooting and volleying. However, the catch is that it has to be done with the weaker foot. This allows the player to improve on their weak side. It seemed to be a game that each player enjoyed, and this pleased me. I had asked them for one thing, and that was honesty. If they had a problem, or were struggling with anything, I wanted them to talk to me, address me. That is what I'm here for, and I wanted to be the type of manager they could go to when they needed to

I had been at the club for five days when I finally met the elusive Dr. Shinawatra. He came strolling out to the team coach before we left for our tour of Switzerland, a huge smile on his face, and vigorously shook my hand. We exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes before he wished me good luck, and promised to keep in contact over the next few days. He was the man that had arranged our pre-season games, and although I would have preferred stronger opposition, I was sure we could get a good start and a solid warm-up for the season

The players we had at the club were fairly strong, but the squad was slightly less favouring in terms of size than some of the other teams in the division, but we also had many young players who were able to step into the hole if required. Jim Cassell and the youth team coaching team had done a marvellous job, and some of the youngsters we had in our ranks were exceptionally talented, and I wasn't overly worried by the squad size

[sherm]

I was walking down the street when I saw her. Her black hair blowing in the wind, her favourite red and white jumper on. I shouted out after her

"Katie"

No answer

"Katie?"

"Katie. It's Allan"

She turned round. Her face covered in cuts and bruises. I stood there, waiting for a response. She looked different. Paler

"Allan, you have to let go. I'm gone. It's all your fault"

"No. Please, don't say that. I loved you and never would have hurt you"

"It's too late now. It's too late..."

I sat upright like a bolt of lightning. My sweat caked the bed, and I was almost stuck to it. That dream again. For the last thirteen years, I've been haunted by it. I've tried everything. Councillors, therapy, everything. It just didn't work at all. I hated it. I used to think it was my fault, and it took people years to convince me otherwise. That one dream was something that happened every so often, sometimes in six month gaps, other times at six days. It affected me though, I'd be lying if I said it didn't. I had however, learned to not let other people see that, and I can keep my emotions inside when I'm out in public with others

[sherm]

I remember my debut for Brighton. I'd been at the club about 6 months, and our strikers were desperately short of form. The manager was getting more and more frustrated, so he went with his instinct and told me I was playing on the Saturday. He told me on the morning of the game. I knew I was travelling but never in my wildest dreams expected to be starting. I was nervous as hell, but once I was on the pitch for a few minutes, I was fine. I didn't score in this particular game (I think we played West Ham or Villa] but when I got took after 76 minutes, I was happy. That was the signal for me to have another five hundred and odd games in a playing career that I couldn't have dreamed of having

Many times though, people ask me what my best goal is that I ever scored, and what was my most important, or the one that meant most? Well the one that meant the most is easy. The goal in my comeback after Katie's death, in the win against Liverpool. It was the most emotional moment on the field for me, and one that meant so much. The club were really good to me at that time in my life, and I'll be forever grateful. My most important though, there's two that it could be. I scored a goal in my third season at Brighton that probably kept us up, as it gave us the momentum to win our last four games, while one for Coventry in the final minute of the final game of the season gave us a win and saved our Premiership status. My best goal? Well to be honest, I never really scored a spectacular goal, but a volley against Arsenal was the best I have ever connected with a football. I read a stat somewhere that 43% of my goals were headers. That's an amazing fact, especially since I'm 5'10. I've always been good in the air. My strong legs allowed me to get a good leap, and my powerful neck allowed a good force behind it. 305 goals, and over forty percent were headers. Not a bad record

[sherm]

The dream hadn't affected me in the ways it used to in the early days, but it still hurts me inside. I didn't let it show though, and it was less than 48 hours after the dream that the team faced their first match in my care, which would be against non league side Concordia Basel

I wanted to make the best possible start to my tenure in charge of the club, so I fielded our strongest possible side that was available to me. I think our opponents wanted to show that they were decent enough to provide us with a good test, and Joe Hart found himself tested twice in the opening ten minutes, tipping an effort round the post then one over the bar. It was after 12 minutes that we fell behind though, with Senaya, the man who'd caused us trouble in the first ten minutes, breaking through and dinking over Joe with a lovely little finish. This woke us up, and in particular Elano, with the little Brazilian spraying passes all over the park, and it was a cross from him that got us level, as Huber turned the ball into his own goal. From that point, there was only ever one side in the game, and the likes of Martin Petrov, Elanl, Michael Johnson, Geovanni and Rolando Bianchi all upped their games. However, it was an unlikely source that scored the next goal, as a Petrov free-kick curled onto the head of towering defender Vedran Corluka, who rose to head home past the stranded 'keeper. At 6'6 inches tall, the Croatian was a commanding figure at the back, and he intimidated attackers with his presence. That was with ten minutes of the half left, and in the remainder, there were two excellent chances, one for Petrov, who forced a save, before a header from Bianchi hit the post. The Italian had been top scorer at Reggina, and I felt that if he stayed fully fit we could have a goal machine on our hands. I made five changes at the interval, with Vassell, Ireland, Hamann, Onuoha and Sun Jihai replacing Petrov, Geovanni, Fernandes, Richards (who'd picked up a niggle) and Corluka. I wanted to see how all the squad worked over the course of the pre-season. It was a fairly quiet second 45 minutes, and only Rolando Bianchi found the net on 67 minutes, before being replaced by Emile Mpenza, but chances did fall to us, and when the whistle brought the game to a close, we had sealed the 3-1 win

[sherm]

I don't go into the loft. I don't think I could. There's too much up there to remind me of her. Photographs mainly, but still some of her clothes. I was advised to get rid of them, but I couldn't do that. How can I burn clothes and photographs of the woman I loved? I used to look at the photos, read the dates on the back. God I do miss her. I'd give anything to have her back.

Stop it Allan. You can't think like that now. She's gone, there's nothing you can do. Move on with your life, get on with things. That's what she would have wanted

As they took his soul they stole his pride...

I woke up to the wrong song really. I loved Oasis, they were my favourite band. Ever. Cast No Shadow was a song that made me cry at the best of times, but hearing the words, and thinking of Katie. Not a good combination and I was set off again. I met up with the rest of the squad that day for training, and I was still emotional. Faz could see this, and before we got down to business he pulled me to one side

"Whats wrong?"

"Nothing"

"I'm not daft. What's up?"

"I'm fine"

"No you're not"

"Fine. I heard a song on the radio, reminded me of Katie"

"Who's Katie?"

"I don't want to talk about it Faz"

I snapped at him, and I shouldn't have done. It wasn't his fault, and I knew that. I just wanted to be alone at the time. I'm normally good at holding it together, but I couldn't at that point. Maybe it's me? Maybe I can't handle it aswell as I think?

[sherm]

I meant to find Derek and apologise, but after training I couldn't see him anywhere. I went back to the hotel and stayed there for the rest of the day. I was living like a hermit. It was unhealthy for me, and it wasn't until nearly eight that evening that I went out. I opened my door to see Derek stood there. He told me simply to get my coat and follow him. I did as I was instructed, as I felt I was in no position or mood to argue, and after a brisk walk, we found ourselves sitting in a lovely little Swiss pub, drinking from an over-sized pint glass and talking in front of a fire

"First, I wanted to apologise for pushing with the questions before"

"It's me that should apologise for snapping"

"No it's not. I had no right to ask you those questions. Anyway, that's why I've brought you here"

"Well I think you deserve to know. She was my wife, we were only married for a few weeks. She died in a car accident. I took responsibility, but everyone told me I couldn't do anything more than what I did. She was the only woman I ever loved, and when I lost her my world collapsed"

"Jesus. I'm sorry Allan. I never would have asked if I'd known that"

"It's alright, not your fault. At least you know. If I'm ever emotional, then that's why"

We had a good conversation, and to be fair, I was glad I'd managed to get it off my chest. I was going to be working closely with Faz, and he deserved to know why I would be getting emotional, not me snapping at him.

---

I slept well that night, relaxed after a couple of beers. Perhaps I might try that more often if I'm going to sleep like that afterwards. I had to sleep well, because the team had their second game the next day, and the kick off time had been re-arranged to an early afternoon game. I opted for several changes from the side that started against Concordia, but having scrolled through the squad, I decided I would give young players the chance. The only survivors from the first game were Elano, Petrov and Corluka, while the likes of Kelvin Etuhu, Danny Sturridge, Ashley Grimes and Vladimir Weiss came into the team. Sturridge in particular was eager to make an impression and his lightning pace caused early problems for the defenders of Luzern. The scoring was not opened by the youngster though, he didn't even have a hand in the goal, as Corluka's long ball found Weiss, who slid Elano in for the Brazilian to round the 'keeper after 19 minutes. More chances were created, Sturridge missing several guilt-edged opportunities, and the second half continued in a similar vein. Seven changes were made throughout the match, and when Georgios Samaras came on after 72 minutes for young Daniel, he quickly made an impact, side-footing home the loose ball from ten yards to seal a pretty solid performance and a second pre-season win on the bounce

[sherm]

I had been fairly pleased with what I had seen from my team thus far, although some of the chances that were created needed to be put away. Maybe a poacher, a predator in the box. I hadn't yet signed anybody, as two games didn't give the right amount of time to make a judgment. I did however, manage to complete the signing of two young players from Swedish side IFK Goteborg, who had a combined age of 29. Joakim Busi was a 14 year old goalkeeper, and to pay the £130,000 compensation I felt was worthwhile, as he could become good with the right training at the club. The second signing was one that I was really excited about. Hans Backe had spotted him in Gothenburg's last friendly, and he said that he was possibly the best 15 year old he had seen. He was a midfielder, and he could pass, shoot, and I felt he could be a real star in the making. Both players agreed their contracts quickly, and the sum for both was just shy of half a million. Yes, they were not high profile signings, and the fans weren't getting all too excited, but I felt it showed the ambition for me to stay at the club for a long time, and build for the future

Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball...

Since my good nights sleep, I had struggled to get even a couple hours, waking up in fits and starts. I was hoping that it was being in a different country that was doing it, and if that was the case, I'd be fine when I got back to England. We'd had three days rest between our first two pre-season games, but this time, we had less than 48 hours to prepare. Many of the senior squad members were rested well enough to start, and our opponents, Sion, would give us a good test. Gelson Fernandes was particularly pleased to be back at his old club so soon after his move, and he was given a great reception from the home fans. The game itself wasn't really worth watching, as both sides seemed unwilling to go for an all out attacking strategy, and Richard Dunne's 64th minute header was enough for a 1-0 win in our favour. Again, several changes were made during the game, but I was pleased that we would be leaving Switzerland with some decent performances under our belt

[sherm]

Getting back to England was a quick journey, my lack of sleep catching me up on the plane and my eyes closed until we landed. I was looking forward to the next training session we were due to have, as both Joakim Busi and Niklas Barkroth would both be having their first ones with the club. That same thing would also apply to Cillian Sheridan, who had flown to Manchester on the same day as we had landed back to agree terms on his free transfer from Celtic. He looked like he could improve quite a lot in the future, and for no fee, I felt the Irishman would be worth having a gamble on. However, I had heard the fans express a few concerns that I had yet to spend any considerable chunk of the chairman’s money, but if truth be told, I just hadn’t felt the need to yet. We had just two more pre-season games to manoeuvre through, although I was tempted to cancel one of them.

I had been contacted by the BBC to see if I would do an interview on Radio Five Live, although they wanted it to be pre-recorded. I hadn’t had much experience with the press thus far in my short managerial stint so far, so I was looking to make a good impression, but knowing my luck I’d come out looking like a bit of a prat. I felt the press would use their own interpretations of what I said anyway, whether it was good or bad, and when I expressed my concerns to Faz, he told me to just restrict my answers to minimal responses, which was a tactic I was used to using in life as a whole

---

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing...

The three youngsters had certainly looked to prove a point in their early careers at the club, and I was particularly impressed with young Niklas Barkroth. He looked like he had bags and bags of ability, and he certainly wasn't intimidated by some of our over-sized defenders such as Dunne, Richards and Corluka, even nutmegging Richard Dunne twice in one game, leaving the Irishman red faced, but with a smile across his chops.

"Anything doing?"

"Yeah, managed to find a decent player or two"

"Give it to me then. Who have we got?"

"Well the one I think we should go all out to get is from CSKA Moscow. He's Brazilian, a striker. Quick, powerful, athletic, and I think he could really prove a good buy"

"This lad got a name?"

"Vagner Love. Would cost us a fair chunk of the budget, but I definitely think he will be worth it"

"Right. Well scout him some more, let me have a look at the video and then I'll see what option are available"

"Sure thing boss"

I had heard a lot of good things about Vagner Love, and I knew he was among a group of three Brazilian players playing in Moscow with CSKA. I didn't want to make a bid straight off, as I wanted to let the squad have time together first, but I wasn't ruling out the possibility of an eventual offer for the forward

[sherm]

I first saw her when I was with friends. My best mate from school lived on an estate just over the road from our school, and we went over to his for a party of some sort, I can't remember fully. She was there when I walked in, and I flashed a smile across the kitchen to her. When she smiled back at me, I got a nice warm feeling inside. I was there for around two hours, before I went to the kitchen to get a drink (Coke mind, I was only 14) and she was stood there with her friend. Again, I smiled, and this time she not only smiled back, but I heard a giggle or two from her and her friend. I was never shy around girls, so I turned round and went for it

"Do you want a drink?"

"Oh...erm, yes..please"

"Coke?"

"No Diet thanks"

I poured the drinks, gave it to her, and went into conversation

"I'm Allan"

"Katie. So how do you know the birthday girl?"

"I don't to be honest, I'm here with a friend. Do you know her well?"

"I should do, it's my sister"

"Oh, OK. Do you not live on the estate then?"

And that is how we started. We spoke for several hours that night, laughed, joked, I took my banter from my friends, but I was happy. I took her to the pictures for our first date, and we just clicked straight away

Little things remind me of her. I say little things, but there's a lot of them. Songs, videos, photographs. Her favourite film was Dirty Dancing, yet when she died I saw it advertised more than I ever had. It was so hard in the early years. It's still hard now, but I can cope a lot better. Miles better in fact. Of course, I'd give anything to have her back again, to be able to lean over the bed and kiss her good morning. I know that will never happen though, and I have to live with that

[sherm]

Our penultimate pre-season match was our first at our own ground, and when we took to the pitch to face Belgian side AA Gent, I was pleased to see nearly 40,000 people in the seats. I mixed and matched the squad, with youth and senior players playing, but with the start of the season looming ever nearer, I had a very good idea of what my best eleven would be for the season opener. Our opponents in this game though were not much of a challenge, as we were able to stroll through to 90 minutes with ease and composure. Darius Vassell and Emile Mpenza were linking up well, and both of them managed to test the 'keeper, Vassell's a stinging left footed drive, but it was the twenty second minute when the scoring was opened, Vedran Corluka rasping a drive that cracked the underside of the bar before landing in the goal. Once we had scored, it was always going to be enough to gain the win, but it would have been nice to see us convert several of the chances we were creating. Vassell, Sturridge, Mpenza, Dunne and Johnson all missed good efforts, but eventually we managed to grab a second, decisive goal, Elano curling home a free-kick from 20 yards, and we managed our fourth successive pre-season win. I was happy with the way the players were playing, and they were certainly getting fitter with every passing day, so I could see the season ahead being very promising

---

I had watched the videos of Vagner Love that Faz had provided me, and though I felt he was a good player, I wasn't sure he would be the right man for the job we needed up-front. I didn't think he would provide more than what we had already got at the club, and decided against putting in an offer. However, whether it was a cruel twist of fate, or just irony, I wasn't sure, but in the training session after I'd watched the video, Rolando Bianchi went down in a crumpled heap after sprinting for a ball. He was helped to the trainer's room, and I was distraught to find out he had torn his thigh muscle, meaning he would be out for a minimum of three months. This meant I had to find cover, so I was straight on the phone to CSKA Moscow to make an offer for their Brazilian striker

I had been granted a days leave for the final pre-season match, a trip to local neighbours Oldham, as I had househunting to do, and the only time they had was on the day of the game. It didn't really matter all that much to be honest, but I was more than comfortable leaving the team in the coaching staff's capable hands. I wasn't even sure what house I was looking for though. For all I know, I could end up in a one bedroom flat. That would do me quite happily. Anywhere really. I was on a decent wage at Eastlands, and I had enough money saved from my playing career, so I was sure that wherever it was that I lived, it would be more than adequate

[sherm]

He bears the weight of all the words he says...

"Same again please Steph"

"Allan, this isn't the way to do it"

"Do what?"

"Get over Katie. You need to be with other people right now"

"I am, I'm in a pub aren't I?"

"You know what I mean. You're in here too much, and you know that as well as I do"

---

That is the way many of my conversations went during the months after Katie's death. I used to sit for hours in the pub, just drinking too much. People have told me I could have carried on longer had I not drank what I did. I was more aggressive, almost a different person

Holding back the years,

Thinking of the fear I've had for so long.

When somebody hears,

Listen to the fear that's gone.

Strangled by the wishes of pater,

Hoping for the arm of mater,

Get to me sooner or later,

Nothing ever could, yeah.

I'll keep holding on,

I'll keep holding on,

I'll keep holding on,

I'll keep holding on.

Chance for me to escape from all I know.

Holding back the tears.

There's nothing here has grown.

I've wasted all my tears,

Wasted all those years.

Nothing had the chance to be good,

Nothing ever could, yeah.

I'll keep holding on,

I'll keep holding on,

I'll keep holding on,

I'll keep holding on

So tight.

She sang that to me once. That was one of her favourite songs. She used to write lyrics down and play them on her guitar. She could play piano too. God she was talented. I'm not musical at all, she definitely got it all. Our kids would have been graced with her looks, her talent. I wouldn't have wanted them to have anything like me. Katie was the beautiful, talented one in our relationship