My Hat Has Three Corners (FGC)

Mein Hut, der hat drei Ecken,

Drei Ecken hat mein Hut,

Und hätt er nicht drei Ecken,

So wär es nicht mein Hut.

The children in the schoolyard continued to sing that damned song and to make it worse they seemed happy, joyously dancing around holding hands. I wanted to care, but the thought of my son so far away from me won’t let that that happen. Stupid kids couldn’t they just go home and spare me the pain of watching them being so darn happy. My son turns one later this year, his mother of course thinks its better this way, the way I feel right now I would beg to differ. Stupid kids, I have seen too many children living and dying in squalor to find any pleasure in this scene anymore. Thoughts like this though, they make me wonder, maybe she is right and maybe I do need to be alone for a while. There are just too many things going through my scrambled mind right now. I really need to rest.

My current apartment is far from glamorous but it is practical and quiet, importantly it is just minutes from our training ground the Paul-Janes-Stadion in Düsseldorf. This is all I am concerned about right now as my job is probably the only thing keeping me sane. I am in a privileged position as the new manager of Fortuna Düsseldorf, the once great side is in the newly created 3.Liga (the third tier of German football for those that were wondering) and I have been granted the opportunity to be the man that takes them back to greatness, or at the very least manages to not get them relegated, notably the relegation thing has been quite a problem for many a manager in the clubs recent history.

That song is still in my head. You know the one about the hat. I think my father gave me a three cornered hat when I was young, I do not know where the hat is (or if it even existed) and to be quite frank I don’t really care. Of course I’m not ‘quite frank’ nor am I ‘frank’ at all, in fact the only Frank I have known was an absolute imbecile so I’d rather that we keep these ‘frank’ assertions directed elsewhere. I am Helmet, Helmet Hell and welcome to my world.

Note: This story follows the journal of Helmet Hell, the journal is not his idea, rather it is that of his doctor who is worried about the psych status of his patient. Dr Kyzu Yasagawa will utilise the journal as a means of both analysis and treatment.

FM09 (9.03) with all the German league and a few others selected for realism.

*****

I had an appointment with Dr Yasagawa this morning and she thinks I need to open up more about my father, I think this is rubbish, but it seems it is the only thing that will keep her happy. If I do not do as she wishes she has made it quite clear that she will be left with no option but to notify my new employer and inform them of my extremely poor psychological assessment. So if I am to keep my job I will spill my guts about my past.

Let’s see, it all started when I was seven years old and my dad wouldn’t let me have a Barbie doll for Christmas!

This is ridiculous but here goes then. My father was a social worker born in Berlin and my mother was born in Armenia, she is a nurse. Since my father died my mother moved from the family home in Berlin to work in a hospital in Stuttgart, she is strong both in will and health, unlike my father who was ill for all of my adult life until his death three years ago. He was not a fighter, the cancer took him slowly but surely, from the day he was first diagnosed we all knew that he would not beat it. Looking back this angers me. He would not fight for me, for my sister, or most of all, for my beautiful mother who had given him everything. I will never go out like that, just insipid. I loved him and respect him but I will not be like him.

That’s enough for now, I have a pre-season friendly against St Pauli to prepare for. Unfortunately it’s in Düsseldorf at our massively over-sized home ground, the LTU Arena, shame I could have done with a night out on the Reeperbahn.

The financial situation at Fortuna Düsseldorf is not ideal, there will be no transfer budget this season however there is a little bit of room in the salary budget for some free transfers or a loan or two. Luckily I believe we have a squad which is quite capable at this level and with the boards safe mid-table finish in mind I am quietly confident that such a position is very attainable. A nil all draw against St Pauli was no disgrace as my team began to slip into the four-five-one that I plan to utilise as a base tactic this season. About time I make this journal interesting and comment on this squad I have to work with.

In goals there are two Michaels who are both very solid, Michael Melka will wear the number one but in the other Michael – Michael Ratajczak – we have a more than sound backup keeper who could just push Melka for his number one by the end of the season.

Defensively we are gifted with a great centre pairing of the giant Croat Robert Palikuka and the big-but-not-quite-so-big Jens Langeneke, both pushing thirty and in their prime, this is just about their level and they have shown that I can rely on them both. In the fullback positions I will be calling on young Fabian Hersegell down the left and Hamza Çakir on the right. Çakir is more of a centre back but the Köln born Turks versatility will be invaluable. For depth I will look to the veteran Dutchman Henri Heeren, youngster Lukas van der Bergh, and French strongman Clément Halet. It may be necessary to look at a loan option or two to complete my defensive unit.

When it comes to midfield we are at our strength no doubt, Andreas Lambertz is the club captain and talisman, at twenty-three he is clearly the most talented player in the squad. In the centre of midfield Lambertz will be partnered by two of Oliver Hampel, Stephan Sieger, and Marco Christ as part of my three man central midfield. The left wing/forward position will be Olivier Caillas’ provided he stays on the park, and on the right it will be a dual between Ahmet Cebe and Bruno Custos. In midfield depth we will look at Claus Costa, Sebastian Heidinger, and a rotation of the existing players for cover.

In the tricky lone striker slot we don’t have a single standout performer, thirty-five year old Belgian Axel Lawarée has experience on the board but the sheer athleticism of the six-foot-four Serb Ranislav Jovanovic gives us another option. Beyond these two Fortuna only really have one other striker on the books in strong Albanian Bekim Kastrami but he looks little more than a backup option, subsequently our remaining salary budget and loan options will be focussed on finding some striking depth.

In short that is what I have to play with. The next few weeks will be full of friendlies and plenty of calls between clubs as my football director Wolf Werner and I look to entertain a few loan options that will fit within out tight financial constraints. Fortuna chairman big Peter Frymuth has in no uncertain terms denied any transfer kitty, I was expecting nothing less but thought it at least worth the chat. Despite denying my wishes Frymuth was very complimentary in his praise for my handling of the players over the past few weeks and has supreme confidence in my skills. If only I had his confidence then all would be rosy! Ah well, you have to realistic, and I, whilst not so confident outwardly am still looking forward to a good season ahead.

Das ist gut.

Marco Christ is a very decent player, was very creative for me in my first season and scored a fair few goals as well.

Thanks Nathan! Yes Weg you are right, Christ is a very handy player at this level.

*****

My thoughts have been on the football club in recent days however I have felt the urge to turn things towards my son today. I remember the feeling when little Jonas’ bloodied head popped out like it was yesterday, of course it was not, it was almost eight months ago in fact. Those feelings though have not diminished - he is my son - my blood and he always will be no matter what. Jonas’ mother Katya, the mother of my child sent me an sms the other day but I chose not to respond, I have had the response sitting in my phone as a draft still as I write this but I just haven’t been able to send it. 'I’ll be there for you like I always said I would, so many things have changed but in some ways nothing has changed at all'. She had reached out and it was what I had thought I’d wanted but I haven’t sent the message, no I need to be a bit selfish just now, she can wait this time.

I was a decent professional footballer nearing the end of my career and Katya was a social worker, at the time we met she was employed by FC Pyunik Yerevan, her role was to help place the clubs array of overseas signings in accommodation and to ensure that they settled in to life in Armenia. You can probably work out the rest, yes I was a new signing at Pyunik and Katya helped me settle in. It’s funny we never even went out anywhere together but that’s not to say we didn’t see plenty of each other. It seemed to take a long time for me to settle into life in Yerevan (it was quite different to Berlin after all) but every step of the way Katya was there to help me out in her own special way. I can’t go into much detail right now as too many memories are flooding back, now’s not the time, to cut a long story short we were never a couple outside of our apartments and now we have a beautiful son together, she is in Armenia still and I am back in Germany. That’s where it’s at.

The first game of the 3.Liga season is coming up fast and the football department has indeed been busy. Twenty year old Polish holding midfielder Bartosz Broniszewski has joined on loan from Kaiserlautern, Magayé Gueye comes to Düsseldorf for a year from some French club, and Dominik Stikel was signed for free after he was released from his contract. Both Stikel and Gueye are strikers that should add some depth in that area of the squad but neither are world beaters by any means, Gueye is very young and could be great but we aren’t likely to see it in Düsseldorf whilst Stikel is in his early twenties and looks just solid.

Following the draw with St Pauli we have since racked up four wins to complete our pre-season on a high. TeBe Berlin, Saarbrucken, Lens and Bielefeld were the victims with Sieger and Lawarée finding the majority of the goals. The results against clearly stronger opponents in Lens and Bielefeld were extremely impressive, perhaps (fingers crossed) showing a glimpse of what I can expect this season, we shall soon find out. The league season kicks off this weekend with a trip to Emden before Werder Bremen’s number two team visits the LTU Arena for our season’s home launch the following Saturday.

It’s a great feeling to be the toast of the town - a strange saying that – and what a town to be the toast of. A touch over half a million inhabitants occupy this picturesque city parked on the banks of the River Rhine, and Fortuna has always played a part in this cities modern history. Although the glory days of '33 are well behind us the city will never forget that memorable and unexpected Bundesliga victory, nor will the Düsseldorfers ever stop talking about the '79 Cup Winners Cup final against the great Barcelona in Basel at the St Jakob Stadium, a match for which ninety minutes was not enough, Barca ran out 4-3 winners in extra-time but the fight of Fortuna was there for all to see. Glory in defeat as apt a description as any. Funny how in retrospect near success is oft celebrated with more fervour than actual success amongst the less glamorous clubs of Europe. To think of the fashionistas and economists of this post-modern culture riding the coat-tails of this once great club gives me shivers just thinking about it. Too much thinking though, time to do something about it.

On to football and to the present. After five league matches we, Fortuna Düsseldorf, are sitting pretty on top of the 3.Liga table and I am loving it. I have almost forgotten about all my troubles the moment the first ball was kicked back in late July in the season opener against Emden. We ran out comfortable 3-1 winners through goals by Lambertz, Caillas and Stikel, the only blemish on the opening five matches was to be a 1-1 draw away to Burghausen, aside from this there were free-flowing, goal-piling wins against Werder II (2-0), Erfurt (4-2), and Stuttgart II (2-0).

The talent is coming to the fore and my early judgements are yet to be disproven, Andreas Lambertz is the quality of the bunch, he just oozes class and maturity at a relatively young age. Behind Andreas – both metaphorically and literally – stand my rock solid defensive pairing of Langeneke and Palikuca, both the other side of thirty but both in prime form right now. The goals have so far come from very varied avenues, twelve goals in five matches with nine different goal scorers; Caillas, Sieger, and Palikuca each have two with the rest being single goalscorers. My highlight over this period is simply the way the side has gelled under my leadership, my own family is running around on the park each time they step out, my brothers. Beyond anything else I feel proud of myself at this moment. Oh dear this is all too good, the walls are surely about to come crumbling down.

Great post, I've not found Lambertz nearly as useful to me as he is to you but I'm using FM08 so that may explain the difference. Bring the title home!

Ten days ago we had dropped as low as fourth on the table but with a win against Jena (3-0) and a draw with Sandhausen (0-0) we will enter October in second place, and just a point off league leading Burghausen. In the 3.Liga there are two automatic promotion spots and the team in third gets to play-off against the third last team from the 2.Bundesliga, I know it’s still early days but if we keep this form up then I would be crazy not to be aiming for one of those two automatics that are up for grabs. Prior to the win against Jena we dropped form a little with wins against Aue (2-0) and Wuppertal (1-0), two draws with Union Berlin (0-0) and Bayern Munchen II (1-1), and a loss against Aalen (0-1), but with the win against Jena I hope to build on the confidence and get a run in to the winter break which begins just before Christmas.

The experienced Axel Lawaree has proven to be our only striker of any note however even his strikes have been few and far between with three goals from twelve appearances. Luckily we have a talented midfield as I see more of our goals coming from the likes of Lambertz, Sieger, Caillas and Jovanovic as the season winds on. Neither Gueye or Stikel really look up to it yet as actual strikers, both have scored a goal so far but look less likely to do so again through lack of confidence. It’s hard but both have joined the club just months ago and there seems to be a distinct lack of belonging on their part, I must work to keep them involved and build some hunger. So the four-five-one is here to stay as with one real striker I have limited options otherwise, like I said the real talent will always be behind my lone striker and so long as we don’t rely on Axel scoring all our goals then we should do okay at this level.

I write tonight on a flight from Yerevan to some place in Germany (so I am told), I still have a train to catch but I’m sure it will work out. If I wasn’t so busy managing a football club I would have organised these things myself – alas no – instead I am travelling at the whim of my secretary Gerty back in Düsseldorf. Of course I asked her to organise this whole thing but it does not make me feel any more in control, kind of reflective of my life to this point really. Oh well.

I have celebrated Jonas’ first birthday with Katya in Yerevan, all her family were there and it was kind of strange, they speak of me very little and when I’m around it’s mostly as if I weren’t there anyway, although my Armenian language skills allow me to pick up their favourite name for me, ‘the supposed father of our lovely little b******’. That’s still an improvement on most of the things Katya has called me over the past year, less soul crushing than hearing, ‘Helmet, you were just a d*** you know, it could have been anyone’s d*** for all I cared!’ or ‘you were f****** sperm, get over it!’ ah yes the lovers tiff. If only the highs were as big as the lows. She has quite a temper on her, steer clear of that train I say. Really though, we were never lovers. We merely crossed paths over and over again until we had something that would tie us together for life whether we would like it or not. Crossing paths can be somewhat more enjoyable than it sounds though it must be said.

Jonas’ birthday party was great though. I felt I twinge in my heart (a good twinge – not an ambulance calling twinge) when he reached out for me after falling over pushing his little truck that he’d been given by Katya’s sister, tiny tears running down his cheek as he looked up and saw me, I picked him up and he clung on like nothing else mattered. At the moment nothing else did matter. The world stood still. But it was all over too soon, so yes, here I am on my way back to Düsseldorf trying to think about our match with Dresden this Saturday, a match we should win but with where my heads at right now I’m a little concerned.

At the start of this month we defeated Unterhaching (4-1) to reclaim first place and despite drawing last weekend with Stuttgarter Kickers (1-1) we have held our position for now. After the Dresden match we have five matches before the winter break and now I must focus on running through those teams before I allow my mind to think about Jonas and what having my own piece of family really means to me. Focus son, I really should try to focus.