Cheats Never Prosper: A Tale of Revenge

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Hi all.

I have been reading these stories with interest for a while now and have been waiting for an opportunity to start my own. This is obviously my first attempt so all comments welcome. I liked the suggestion on the 'Story Ideas and Discussion Thread' about using something 'close' to you, something you actually felt. As a Sheffield United fan, the 'Tevez' affair is something that I feel I can use in the start of my story as, like many other Blades fans, it's clearly something that upset us! I hope nobody takes offence at it: I don't intend it to be about the right/wrongs of the 'Tevez' affair, more about the emotion of a Sheffield United fan and the motivation it would provide for a Football Manager story.

Anyway, this is the first part of my story. I would appreciate any feedback on it before I post the second part. Hope you enjoy.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER - MAY 2007

The rain continued to teem down as the fourth official appeared on the touchline with his electronic board. The bright number four shone out in the gloom as the season entered the final moments, the final piece of time added on, the final chance to escape.

‘Please, United. Please,’ I muttered to myself, my fingertips stinging with the lack of fingernails. ‘Please don’t let this happen.’

The ball broke loose on the right hand side towards Colin Kazim-Richards, the Coca Cola kid himself. The Coca Cola kid – was that an omen? His attempted cross was charged down and the crowd let out a nervous, emotional roar as the ball rebounded beyond the goal-line.

‘Come on!’ I thought, optimism knowing no bounds even now.

The corner drifted into the crowded penalty area. 30,000 people desperately willing the ball towards the goal, praying for the break, hoping it could twist again even now. The ball spun loose on the left hand side of the penalty area and Jonathan Stead twisted, turned, made room and crossed across the face of the goal, inches away from the boot of Danny Webber, inches away from the far post and away for a goal kick to the dismay of everyone except for 3000 celebrating blue and white supporters behind the goal.

The time ticked away. Desperate voices screamed, angry voices roared and pessimistic voices gave up all around. I thought quietly with a lump in my throat. Twelve years. Twelve years of Port Vale at home, rainy afternoons at Oxford, the annual trips to Wolves and Norwich and Watford. Twelve years of hopes and dreams and let downs. It had taken twelve years for us to get back here. In the promised land. "The greatest league in the world." Twelve years and now it was slipping away like this. And the rain kept falling.

The final whistle punctuated my thoughts and the tears filled my eyes. I smiled to myself a little as I berated myself in my mind. A grown man choking back tears in public and nobody batting an eyelid. Many other grown men in the same predicament. Children burying their faces in their hands. Disbelieving, shattered looks all around. Only football could do this. Only relegation could do this. People dealt with it in different ways. Some rushed away, eager to get out as soon as possible. Others stood in complete silence. Some couldn’t contain it and the expletives followed, aimed at anyone and everyone but ultimately no-one in particular. The smile didn’t last long. This wasn’t fair.

It seemed like hours. Silence apart from the celebrating visitors. I couldn’t blame them – if they hadn’t been celebrating right now, they’d have been feeling what I was. The red and white shirted players sprawled out on the sodden playing surface, some with heads in hands, some looking around the ground, nobody wanting to leave. Phil Jagielka – the hero of the season – contemplating what was probably the last time he would leave the Bramall Lane field as a Blade. Jonathan Stead wondering what life might have been like if his goal had earned survival. Danny Webber replaying that miss over in his mind. A matter of inches it had been. Almost a glorious goal but ultimately a costly, cruel bounce off the post. Silence and disbelief. And then:

‘You fill up my senses …’ barely audible against the sound of the rain on the roof.

‘Like a gallon of Magnet …’ louder this time, the words crackling with emotion.

‘Like a packet of woodbines … Like a good pinch of snuff’ came the song, louder with defiance.

‘Like a night out in Sheffield …’ I joined in, arms raised as my eyes gave up and the tears flowed.

‘Like a greasy chip butty …’ the volume increasing all around.

‘Like Sheffield United, come thrill me again. Na na na na na na na - ooh!’ My voice wavered on the last line, a horrible concoction of the most negative emotions destroying me inside. Anger, disappointment, fear, jealousy. A mixture for the end of the world. Or so it seemed.

‘The greatest league in the world?’ I asked myself, drying the tears in my eyes. ‘What a load of rubbish!’

I wandered towards the exit to meet my father. He smiled wanly as I rolled my eyes at him.

‘Same old United,’ he laughed, ‘they never change. Have you heard who scored at Old Trafford?’

I smiled. A knowledgeable look spread across my face.

‘No but I bet I can guess it in one can’t I?’ My father nodded. ‘Cheating scum. You don’t get that in the Championship at least!’

As we trundled out of the stand, a faint song reached our ears from the Wigan supporters.

‘West Ham … We only hate West Ham … We only hate West Ham’

I turned away and chuckled ‘Yeah, that just about sums it up!’

[owen10ozzy]

Fantastic start mate; very impressed with your style of writing and im fully intrigued. I will be waiting for the next chapter!

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Thanks mate. Glad my first comment is a positive one. Thought it was OK! Now I've got some approval, I'll get on with the second installment soon!

[Goals53]

Is this true this story? even if its not! Its amazing best story ive ever read ohh i forgot Harry Potter 8-)

[JoeCFC]

This is great, I'll be following this.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER - MAY 2008

It had been a year since that fateful day at the end of the Premiership season. The heartache had relented. It always does. Being a Sheffield United fan, you accept that you are going to be disappointed. It’s a case of how often and when it’s going to happen. In my lifetime, United are the nearly men of the football league: extra time defeat in the 1993 all-Sheffield FA Cup Semi Final; relegation in the last minute of the 1994 Premiership season despite being virtually safe at half time; Play Off Final defeat in 1997 in the last minute of extra time; FA Cup Semi Final defeat and Play Off Semi Final defeat in 1998; FA Cup Semi Final, League Cup Semi Final and Play Off Final defeats in 2003; Premiership relegation in 2007. It seems a lot of disappointment for one solitary season of success – promotion in 2006. Maybe that’s why it felt so good. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when that was taken away from us.

When it was taken away from us.

In August 2006, West Ham United signed two Argentinean World Cup stars. It shocked the football world. Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez at Upton Park? How could West Ham sign these two players? For the Hammers fans, it was one of the greatest transfer stories in their illustrious history. Until it all started to unravel spectacularly.

Mascherano’s transfer to Liverpool ‘from’ West Ham highlighted problems with the registration of the two Argentineans who were owned by a third party rather than West Ham – a common occurrence in South America but against Premier League rules. West Ham was informed that they faced punishment for breaking Premier League rules and that they would face a Premier League enquiry. This resulted in a £5.5m fine, the largest in English football history. Despite this, it also resulted in an outcry from several clubs at the foot of the Premiership. By now, West Ham were thoroughly embroiled in a relegation battle with these clubs and Tevez in particular was playing a big part in their improvement as the end of the season approached. A points deduction, the punishment expected by the rival clubs at the bottom of the Premiership, would probably have confirmed West Ham’s relegation to the Coca Cola Championship.

And so to the last day of the season. West Ham faced a trip to Old Trafford to face the confirmed champions, Manchester United. Anything less than victory could lead to relegation despite the sparkling form of Tevez. Away from Old Trafford, at Bramall Lane, Sheffield United faced Wigan Athletic. Victory for either side would result in safety, defeat would lead to severe relegation prospects. A draw would see United safe as well.

All the action took place in a frantic first 45 minutes. Wigan stunned Bramall Lane with a goal from Paul Scharner, a well taken finish from the edge of the area early on in the game. Then came the dreaded news from Old Trafford: a goal for West Ham. Scored by Carlos Tevez. As the two games headed towards half time, it was United who were staring relegation in the face.

And then a long ball from Phil Jagielka into the Wigan penalty area. A chase between Jonathan Stead, the Wigan centre back and the goalkeeper. A almighty clash and all three men on the grass. And the ball spinning away from Stead’s head and into the net to the delight of the home fans. And now it was Wigan facing relegation.

But not for long. A cross from the right two minutes later and a raised arm from Phil Jagielka. A whistle from the official. A hand pointing to the penalty spot. Former Blades hero, David Unsworth, who scored the goal which just about confirmed United’s promotion just twelve months earlier stepped up. Chest puffed out, the left back strode forward and buried the ball into the bottom corner. An hour later and no more goals. West Ham had won. Wigan had held on. Both were safe and United were down.

Since then, things had steadily returned to Championship normality. Twelve years of trying to get out of this division meant that, despite our year in the Premiership, we still knew what this league was all about. Neil Warnock had left the club days after the relegation. Bryan Robson had taken charge and made some excellent signings. It was a pity that he lacked any management skills. A car park demonstration in February had led to the termination of his contract, eating up another chunk of the Premiership parachute payments. United, pre season promotion favourites with some bookies, were within a few points of the relegation places and a relegation to League 1 seemed more likely that a return to the Premiership. Kevin Blackwell came in and steered the club away from this danger and a late run almost led to a very unexpected play off challenge on the last day of the season.

Off the field, things were far from normal for United. In the eyes of Sheffield United – directors, management and fans alike – there was only one club to blame for the relegation. West Ham United. Carlos Tevez had left and was now featuring regularly at Manchester United becoming a Premiership champion and European Cup winner in the process. West Ham had moved onwards to mid-table obscurity. However, they were facing a danger from a legal case against them. With West Ham struggling financially and selling some of their star names, the possibility of a £30m compensation claim from United was worrying them.

However, in the summer of 2008, United had another big decision to make. Would they reward Blackwell with a new contract? Or would they look for a new man to take the helm?

[tenthreeleader]

Very nice backstory (though not for United, obviously). You can certainly turn a phrase. I'm looking forward to seeing more from you.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Thanks for the positive comments guys. I hope I'm doing OK. The build up to my Football Manager game is almost over. I will be playing on the 9.3.0 database using the English league only down to the Blue Square North/South with a large database.

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER – MAY 2008

The phone rang and I jumped up. I looked at my fiancé – Stacey – with a nervous look in my eye. She grinned at me and squeezed my hand.

‘Good luck!’ she whispered.

I picked up the phone and pressed the answer button.

‘Hello. Andy speaking,’ I answered in trepidation. It seemed like an age until a voice spoke back.

‘Hi Andy, good to speak to you again. It’s Kevin McCabe at Sheffield United.’

I froze and looked at Stacey. She saw the gleam in my eye and knew it was him. She recognised how important this was to me despite the fact that she was actually a Sheffield Wednesday supporter.

‘Hi Mr McCabe,’ I started but he interrupted me.

‘Call me Kevin. We’re going to be speaking to each other a lot more in the future.’

Five minutes later, I put the phone down. I was the new manager of my boyhood club. Sheffield United. I sat with Stacey and chatted animatedly about my plans. Two hours later, I was still chatting away.

‘I mean, I can’t expect to reach the Premier League in my first season. You never know but I can’t expect it,’ I said breathlessly. ‘I just want to get off to a good start – and do the double over you lot of course!’

Stacey laughed.

‘You know I always have a go at the opposition manager don’t you?’ she asked. ‘And the songs we used to sing about Warnock? You’ll get the same treatment. And I’ll be singing just as loud!’ And with that, she skipped off, singing to herself to the tune of Wednesday’s song of choice: ‘Hi Ho Sheffield Wednesday.’

I chuckled and sat still. Alone with my thoughts. I’d been watching this team for twenty years. I’d seen them all: Brian Deane, Tony Agana, Bob Booker, Dane Whitehouse, Alan Cork, Vassilis Borbokis, Michael Brown, Stuart McCall, Jan Aage Fjortoft, Neil Shipperley, Ron Hulse, James Beattie. Modern day legends of the Lane. I’d heard tales of ‘Fatty’ Foulke, Alan Woodward, Tony Currie and Mick Jones from my father and grandfather. I’d watched Dave Bassett and Neil Warnock craft sides that I would remember forever. Now I had my chance. A chance to become a Blades legend.

‘You know what I can’t wait for babe?’ I called out.

‘Your first Sheffield derby by any chance?’ she replied from the kitchen.

‘No. I can’t wait to play West Ham.’

I’d been thinking about this since my interview for the job. In the year since relegation from the Premiership, like most other Blades, I had not gotten over the lies and cheating of West Ham. I had vowed to myself that if I got the Blades job, I would right the wrongs. This meant victories over West Ham. It meant the Blades being above them. It meant finding ways to humiliate and punish them. If the F.A. and the Premier League couldn’t do it then I would.

As I prepared for my first day of work, the thought consumed me. How could I right the wrongs? A plan was forming in my head. Revenge would be sweet. I would prove that CHEATS NEVER PROSPER.

[BobBev]

Just wanted to add my support and echo the positive comments that you've receiveed already. An impressive start and I look forward to your continued exploits.

[JamboJen]

Very good start GCB.

[marcftm]

Could it be?

Good start

[salkster2102]

would just like to say that this is a good start and i'm looking forward to see how you do with the blades. being a sheffielder myself i hope you do actually get the right compensation.

[BrownOwl]

‘You know what I can’t wait for babe?’ I called out.

‘Your first Sheffield derby by any chance?’ she replied from the kitchen.

‘No. I can’t wait to play West Ham.’

I wouldn't blame you for it not being the derby. You'd only get stuffed AGAIN...

[Greasy Chip Butty]

You'd only get stuffed AGAIN...

You're probably right.

And we'd probably finish about ten places either than the Wednesday too. After a bad season for us. And a good season for them.

Next installment coming soon. Have had a busy weekend.

[tenthreeleader]

‘No. I can’t wait to play West Ham.’

Well played.

Continuing to enjoy this read.

[Strawberry Fields]

Really enjoying this mate

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Apologies for the large delay. Have been a little busy with other things.

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER – JUNE 2008

The telephone rang suddenly besides me and I awoke with a start. I’d just completed my first day as manager of Sheffield United and I was shattered. I glanced at my watch. 22:37 it showed. Who was calling at this time?

I picked up the receiver and stifling a yawn pressed the button to answer.

‘Hello,’ I half-yawned.

‘Is that Andy?’ spoke my new chairman’s voice. He’d set off for a business trip three days ago after the press conference to announce me as the new Blades manager. Some had argued that it was to avoid the anger of the passionate Blades fans who were understandably skeptical about the appointment of a complete unknown as their club’s new manager. I couldn’t argue with them: I’d have said the same thing as well. I began to wonder that he had changed his mind already.

‘Look, I’ve got a very interesting proposition for you. Can you fly out to Belgium tomorrow and see me? The players aren’t due back for another week so you’ve got time.’

Five minutes later, I had agreed. I received another call from the club secretary to inform me of my flight details within minutes. Rather efficient. I wondered what it was that was so urgent that Mr. McCabe couldn’t tell me over the phone and couldn’t wait to tell me.

I broke the news to the missus-to-be afterwards and she asked me to bring her back some chocolate. After an evening sleep, I was boarding the plane the next day at 12:33 ready to travel to Belgium for the first time. As I had walked through the airport lobby, I’d been watching SKY SPORTS NEWS and seen that Carlos Tevez was in a major dispute with his new club, Manchester United, regarding his permanent deal with the Champions. For the millionth time, I wondered in my head: Who the hell owns that guy?

The flight to Belgium was a short and uneventful one. I was met at the airport and traveled to White Star Woluwe’s ground – United’s new feeder club to avoid issues with work permits – where Kevin was waiting me. He looked a little agitated, excitable as I shook his hand and disappeared into the office with him.

‘You’re probably wondering why I called you over here,’ he chuckled whilst pouring me a drink.

‘Yeah. I did wonder!’ I answered still with a hint of nervousness in my stomach. What did he want?

‘We’ve received an offer Andy …’

My heart sank a little. One of my star players was heading for the Bramall Lane exit door within days of my arrival. Same old, same old Sheffield United.

‘… from West Ham.’

‘You’re joking!’ I remarked. ‘I hope you told them where to stick it!’

But the chairman didn’t look like he had told them to stick it. With a smile, he continued,

‘It’s a very interesting deal.’

I could imagine the fans’ reaction to this. WEST HAM SIGN UNITED STARLET, NAUGHTON or KILGALLON JOINS BITTER RIVALS. I know how I would feel, it would feel like betrayal, a real kick in …

‘They want to end the compensation claims and everything. They’re offering us £10 million …’

I snorted a little.

‘… And Carlos Tevez.’

[Greasy Chip Butty]

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER – JUNE 2008

The plane from Belgium touched down at Doncaster Airport. I grabbed my hand luggage and slowly made my way from the plane. My head spinning with what I heard in the last two days. I glanced again at the TV in the airport lounges as I passed through. SKY SPORTS NEWS still on showing some golf results. Boring. No entertainment. Boy, would they have something to talk about in a few hours though.

I drove home in the summer sun, had a quick shower and change and headed for the Lane. A press conference had been called for 3pm and I wanted to be there well before. There was going to be a face I needed to see before the press conference.

‘Hello Carlos,’ I began holding out my hand. I had no idea what to expect. Senor Tevez had been smuggled into the Bramall Lane ground and was accompanied by his agent and translator. He looked cool and calm but God knows how he was feeling about all this. This was his career and his football life.

His translator began to speak to me.

‘Carlos would like you to know that he is happy to be here. Although there has been much dispute between your club and his previous employers, he has always admired Sheffield United although he has not heard much about them. He realises that he has arrived here under strange circumstances but he hopes to help make Sheffield United a success in his time here.’

The deal was this: West Ham had bought Tevez from the third party owning his registration and were ‘giving’ him to Sheffield United to compensate for their part in United’s relegation as long as the court claims were ended. They were also awarding United £10 million. Tevez himself was to stay at Bramall Lane for ten years before moving to Boca Juniors in his native Argentina as he entered the latter stages of his career.

‘Out you go,’ whispered the press officer. I braced myself. This was going to be fun. I led the way out to the press stand with Carlos following with his agent and translator and United’s chief executive, Jason Rockett. As the waiting press realised who the player with us was, whispers shot around the conference room and cameras whirred into action.

‘Thank you for attending this press conference. Sheffield United are pleased to announce …’

I watched the reaction of the press as Rockett informed them of Tevez’ new deal with the Blades. Phones were hotting up and press centres around the world were receiving a piece of stunning news. Carlos Tevez was joining Sheffield United.

Jason finished outlining the deal to amazement from all in the room. Some were looking at Tevez, trying to work out if it was a very good look-a-like as if United were playing a joke three months too late. Slowly, the truth was dawning on the assembled press. They had a world exclusive on their hands.

‘Carlos is very pleased to be joining Sheffield United and assisting them with promotion back to the Premiership. He is not proud that his name has been linked with the injustice of a year ago,’ spoke his agent. Nobody seemed very interested in my view on it all. Which was just as well as I was still gobsmacked.

I glanced up at the TV screens. SKY SPORTS NEWS with it’s yellow BREAKING NEWS banner. Pictures of Tevez scoring that goal at Old Trafford. With one simple phrase moving along the bottom of the screen: CARLOS TEVEZ TO JOIN SHEFFIELD UNITED FOR NEXT SEASON.

Eventually, the press conference came to an end. Carlos and his team were smuggled back out of Bramall Lane and shot off to enjoy the last few days of the close season. The pictures of Tevez with a Blades shirt bearing 32 TEVEZ were appearing on websites and TV screens around the world. And as the madness refused to subside at Bramall Lane, I closed the door of my office and sat down on my own.

Carlos Tevez had caused me and my fellow Blades so much pain in the last year. The relegation from the Premiership had knocked us sideways and turned the whole club upside down. Could it be that he could help to restore the Blades to the Premiership? To revenge over the East End cheats?

It was certainly a good start!

[BobBev]

Now that's a very interesting twist - nice one.

[Wegason]

Great idea, and I'm glad this story has returned

[SCIAG]

Great idea, if far-fetched (West Ham don't own the rights to Tevez and I really doubt he'd join a Championship club).

[M0nk3yFac3]

Nice work, had to re-read it all again to remember, But I am enjoying it even though, as SCIAG said, it is a little far fetched. But hey, thats what makes a good story alot of the time.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Great idea, if far-fetched (West Ham don't own the rights to Tevez and I really doubt he'd join a Championship club).

Less far fetched than a top Championship club appointing a completely unknown bloke to manage their football club though. Which is how most other stories start if we're honest!

[pnefc22]

Great story so far GCB

I hope you get to the playoffs with United and lose to us

Then again, we would only go and lose the final

KUTGW

[Greasy Chip Butty]

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER – MONDAY JULY 7TH 2008

I indicated right and turned through the iron gates, off Cherry Street and onto the car park. Bramall Lane. The old girl herself. Beautiful DownTown Bramall Lane as she was affectionately known to the Blades loyal fans. A ground with history and tradition but a modern, thriving football ground with many expansions in the pipeline. World Cup 2018 could be in England they are say. The chairman is determined to bring the World Cup to Sheffield if it does. Anywhere is better than Helland Road and Swillsborough, the two so-called biggest grounds in Yorkshire. And both badly in need of a lick of paint.

It was the day before the players were due to return for pre-season training. The players retained from last season, the new signings and of course, one Carlos Tevez. As I parked my Megane, I chuckled to myself. Carlos Tevez the Blade. Amazing.

To say that Bramall Lane had been buzzing with excitement since the news had broken a week and a half ago would be an understatement. Season ticket sales had gone up. Shirts with 32 TEVEZ on them were flying out of the club shop. There was a lot of talk about promotion being a foregone conclusion. I knew that wasn’t the case. We would have to work very hard still, Tevez or no Tevez. The media were predicting a 4th place finish for us so we still had a few people to convince yet.

After my appointment, Kevin McCabe had suggested to me that an experienced head would be best for an assistant manager. I had agreed and he had suggested that the man I had replaced, Kevin Blackwell, might be up for staying on to support me. I was happy with this arrangement. I knew Kevin had done a superb job in steadying the ship after Bryan Robson and he would be a superb man to have around me as I took my first steps in management.

Blackie was waiting for me in the managers office.

‘Good morning, Gaffer!’ he joked as I entered. ‘The final quiet day before the madness begins!’

I was pleased with his reaction to being my assistant manager. I certainly didn’t see him as my assistant manager, I wanted him to form a management team with me. I had told him so last week and he had been happy with that. It hadn’t stopped him calling me ‘Gaffer’ though.

I knew the squad inside out already – I’d been cheering for these players less than three months ago as they had chased that final play off spot. There had been some changes that had been decided before my appointment. The most notable of these was the sale of James Beattie to Stoke City. With Rob Hulse (Derby), Jonathan Stead (Ipswich) and Michael Tonge (Stoke again) also moved on, we had also brought in a few new faces already as well. Leigh Bromby was on loan from Watford with a permanent transfer arranged, Sun Jihai had joined from Manchester City on a free transfer deal and Dave Cotterill’s loan move from Wigan was now permanent. Add the signings of Darius Henderson (Watford) and Jamie Ward (Chesterfield) as well as the introduction of two young players both called Kyle, Naughton and Walker, and we had a first team squad of 25 including Tevez.

‘What you thinking boss?’ asked Blackie. ‘Any ideas about who you want to bring in yet or you want to see how it goes first?’

‘We’d better get some scouts in first Blackie,’ I laughed. After the season, most of the backroom staff had seen their contracts run out. The few remaining coaches, physios and scouts were not up to much and had been paid off. The only thing we didn’t need to get was a tea lady.

I looked on my desk. There was an envelope with my new contract inside it. £10000 per week until 2012. A Post-It, or a repositional sticker as they are also known, was stuck to it with the words PLEASE SIGN written on it. I had been given a transfer budget of £10m, generous for the Championship, which must ensure we made the Play Offs.

Me and Blackie set to work, making calls and making enquiries. Before I realised it, it was lunchtime and I had a list of names of people I wanted to bring in for my backroom staff. Blackie set off for Subway in town as I sat down to read his team report.

Midfield. The weakest area. Blackie knew it. I knew it. Robson had known it. Warnock had known it. But nobody had ever addressed it. This was key to my success at United I felt. If I could bring the midfield together, I was sure that we would have a good season.

I looked at the players in my squad and decided that I needed to make some early decisions. I phoned up Fiorentina and told them to expect Arturo Lupoli back in Italy soon. I made a list of six more players that I wanted rid of for definite to free some wages up. Ian Bennett, Justin Haber (Malta’s number 1 keeper – you knew that didn’t you?), Ugo Ehiogu (he of Sven’s first England game), Derek Geary, Danny Webber and Lee Hendrie (yes, that Lee Hendrie) were transfer listed before Blackie returned with my meatball sub. I gave him the list.

‘Have a ring round, Blackie,’ I told him. ‘See if you can get anything for these lot!’

‘Bloody hell, Gaffer! Give me a chance!’ he chuckled before setting off for an office down the corridor. He’d do well to get me any transfer fees of note but some wages would be nice. With the exception of Bennett and Haber, they were all on decent money.

I settled down into my leather chair. Tomorrow was the start of pre-season training. Let the adventure begin!

[Greasy Chip Butty]

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER – TUESDAY 8TH JULY

Good old Blackie. He has got my pre-season friendlies sorted out. We’ve got some non-league teams to play before games at Gillingham, Hartlepool and Tranmere in the run up to the first game of the season at Charlton. I’d got a message to call my new secretary, Kelsey, as soon as I got to the Academy Training Complex.

‘Hello, Kelsey Woodward speaking,’ came the voice in my ear.

‘Hi Kelsey. It’s Andy. You wanted me to ring you?’

‘Oh yeah, hi Andy. We’ve got some bids in for some of the players. Shall I fax them over to you at the Academy?’

She faxed them over and they looked OK. Lee Hendrie and Derek Geary were the most popular and were attracting bids that would total about £600,000 if they went. I also had a bid for Bennett and interest in Webber with Lupoli on the plane and heading for the sunnier climes of Florence.

At ten o’clock, me and Blackie met the players in the conference room at the SUFC Academy. The players greeted Blackie like an old friend whilst I stood there like a bit of a lemon. These players were some of my idols! And here I was to tell them what to do!

I glanced around and caught a few eyes. One face was conspicuous by his absence. I nudged Blackie.

‘Where’s the wonderboy?’

Blackie grinned and pointed out of the window. I looked out and in the Sheffield sun, already on the practice pitches, was an Argentinian superstar and three of our youth players.

‘Your face was priceless there, Gaffer’ chuckled Blackie. ‘You thought he’d done a runner didn’t you?!’

‘Go and get him in here!’ I laughed before turning to the players.

‘You don’t know me. I’ll not pretend I’m a big-name manager, I’ll not make out to be what I’m not. I’m a lucky b*****d. I’ve got the job of managing Sheffield United. I’ve been watching some of you lads for years and I am delighted to be having a crack at this. I ask one thing of you. Give me everything you’ve got. If I’m crap, let me find out for myself and I’ll be off.’

The club captain stood up. Chris Morgan was a straight talking, no-nonsense Barnsley lad. I think he noted a Barnsley dialect in my voice and felt compelled to support me.

‘Welcome, Gaffer. I can assure you we’ll be busting a gut for you. Anyone who isn’t won’t be fit to wear t’red and white stripes. We have got a lot of things to put right. Last season, we let the fans down. You was one of them fans. Well, I can’t think of anything better than to have a fan in charge.’

‘Cheers … Morgs’ I grinned. I shook his hand and nodded my head in appreciation. A few of the other lads followed his lead before the door opened and in walked Blackie with the Blades’ new superstar.

‘Lads, you’ll no doubt know who this is!’ he said as he entered. ‘This is Carlos Tevez.’

Tevez was clearly nervous. He had no idea what to expect here at Sheffield United and what kind of reaction he’d get from the Blades players. Again, it was Morgs who strode over to him. This wasn’t going to help Tevez’ nerves – last time he met Morgan in the Premiership, he probably got kicked up in the air quite hard.

‘Welcome, Carlos. Welcome to Sheffield United. Score us some goals won’t tha?’

The players got changed and headed out to the training pitches. Blackie was taking the first practices so I could stand back and have a look. With no other staff yet in place, we were working hard to get the players started on their pre-season work. The eighteen players training in the first team were:

Paddy Kenny: Irish international goalkeeper, never really convinced me at United.

Leigh Bromby: Had been involved in last promotion before we sold him. Now returned to United, a versatile defender with a little lack of positional sense at times.

Kyle Naughton: The older of the two young Kyles. A forward thinking right back who had spent time on loan at Gretna last season. Big things expected of this boy with reported interest from Sunderland already.

Kyle Walker: The second Kyle. A strong versatile defender with pace to burn.

Matt Kilgallon: The ball player of the centre of the Blades defence. Comfortable on the ball and a quick reader of the game.

Chris Morgan: Club captain. Never gives any striker an easy game. Will resort to anything to stop goals going into the Blades net. Ask Robin Van Persie!

Gary Naysmith: Scottish international left back. A real steady defender but lacks a little pace which doesn’t help him.

Greg Halford: On loan from Sunderland. Undecided about whether to keep him at the moment. His preferred position is right back but he’d just be holding back the young players.

Sun Jihai: Experienced right back. A little reckless at times but comfortable on the ball and an excellent passer. Will fight with Naughton for a place in the team.

Gary Speed: Experienced old timer. Speed still has the quality to make the passes and run the game. Definitely worth having in the team.

Nick Montgomery: Splits opinions in the stands. Some say he is a midfielder with no forward thinking abilities. Others say he is a midfielder that offers superb protection to the back lads.

David Cotterill: Inconsistent right winger. On his day, no full back in the league will stop him and he always seems to produce a quality cross.

Brian Howard: Signed from Barnsley after his FA Cup exploits in 07/08 when he scored the winner at Anfield. Quality player but a little lightweight.

Stephen Quinn: A left sided midfielder who battles well but lacks the passing ability to make it count. Useful to have in reserve though.

Jamie Ward: A raw talent, a striker with bags of pace and trickery but needs to hit the goals to secure a place in the team. Young with potential.

Darius Henderson: A battering ram of a striker. Doesn’t score many but his work ethic and aerial ability make him a key member of any side.

Billy Sharp: Like me, a self confessed Blades fan living the dream. Scored oodles of goals for Scunthorpe in League 1 but not set the Championship on fire yet.

And finally …

Carlos Tevez: A Premiership and European champion, the best player in the squad by a mile. If his attitude is right, he will demolish teams at this level.

As we head for the first friendly against Hallam on Thursday, we have a good idea about the squad. We need some cover in some positions and need to lose players in others. A midfielder is a key signing. As soon as we had some backroom staff in, we’d be able to get going.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

CHEATS NEVER PROSPER - THURSDAY 10TH JULY

Excellent news ahead of the first pre-season friendly with Hallam, a local non-league side who play at a small ground called Sandygate. With most of my backroom staff in place, I was pretty happy anyway. Even more so when I received a call from Kyle Naughton to say that he was willing to accept the contract offer we had sent him on Tuesday.

‘That’s fabulous news, Kyle,’ I enthused. ‘See you at the game!’

The kick off was scheduled for 7:45 p.m. so we took the team coach down to Sandygate for 7 o’clock. It was my intention to try a few ideas out and experiment a little as it was a game that we really should be winning easily. Just a routine pre-season friendly. However, I hadn’t anticipated the presence of half the football world’s media showing up.

‘No pressure, Carlos’ I joked as we pulled up outside the little, quaint ground.

‘They’ve come to see me boss,’ shouted Darius Henderson from the backof the coach. We got on well already, Hendo being a new guy on the scene like me and both being from Yorkshire.

‘Blackie, go and clear a route through for us will you?’ I called down the bus. Blackie and Gary Speed made their way off the bus and cleared a route so that Carlos could slip into the main stand without too much fuss. As the media dispersed, I heard Monty (Nick Montgomery) call out to them ‘Don’t you wanna’ see me then?’

I decided to play the strongest eleven to start and then make the changes. The biggest selection dilemma I had was at right back: the experience of Sun Jihai or the promise of Kyle 1 as he was now known? In the end, I plumped for Sun-Ji in my line-up figuring that he knew he needed to impress me – Kyle 1 and Kyle 2 had both been superb in training.

My starting line-up was:

Kenny; Sun Jihai, Naysmith, Morgan, Kilgallon; Cotterill, Quinn, Speed, Howard; Henderson, Tevez.

#####

HALLAM vs. SHEFFIELD UNITED

Sandygate, 10.7.08

Well, it only took 4 minutes for the moment the media had arrived for. A Cotterill corner, flicked on by Kilgallon and a neat turn and drag-back at the far post gave Tevez all the room in the world to fire past the helpless keeper. I clapped with glee, happy that he had scored early. That would mean good publicity in the morning rather than negative.

Or so you would think.

SHEFFIELD STAR – SPORT

TEVEZ FLOPS ON DEBUT

Hallam 0-7 Sheffield United

On a sunny evening at Hallam’s Sandygate ground, Sheffield United found out that Carlos Tevez may not be the answer to their prayers, reports James Shields.

Despite opening the scoring on 4 minutes, the Argentinian looked disinterested and hopeless missing several good chances and looking not much better than the opposition. The former West Ham and Manchester United player – who has arrived as compensation from the Hammers over United’s relegation from the Premiership a year ago – performed for just five minutes before his withdrawal on 65 minutes when he was replaced by the much hungrier Jamie Ward.

United struggled their way to a victory in their first pre-season match where the seven goals they scored were harsh on a spirited display by the Hallam amateur players who gave United a real fright on occasions. With Tevez’ mind in Buenos Aires, United may find that stronger opposition are a step too far as new rookie manager, Andy Morton, sets his sights on the Premier League.

Darius Henderson, Brian Howard, Billy Sharp, Jamie Ward each scored goals as well as two Gary Speed goals as United finished up with an unconvincing 7-0 win.

It looks as if I have a friend at The Sheffield Star!