ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 The Partizan August 2032 Squad Review is posted, in the 2032/33 Open Thread at From the Cheap Seats! #BackInBlack #TasteTheBean #NoPyroNoPartyzan 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 August 2032. Ahh...the European Conference League, my favorite competition of all -- HEY. What the ****!? Manchester City?! Boo! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 September 2032. Even from a distance, through the television, I can see Zlatan's ego growing. He's only gone and done it, securing a promise from the Vatican to attend a summit in November with the Ecumenical Patriarch. Hosted by Zlatan. In Belgrade. I text him with news of our victories over Montenegro (with a young Dutch XI) and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's England, but he doesn't deign to respond. He's going to be insufferable, isn't he? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) September 2032. Zlatan is more distracted than ever, right when we need him the most. Away to our eternal rivals, up 3-nil after Ismaili tapped one in, in the 68th minute...only to cave to the relentless pressure of the home side. I've never felt so low. We're a young squad. We must learn to kill off a game. It's going to be a depressing night at the Itchy Kitty. Edited January 5, 2020 by ManUtd1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 October 2032. This is gloriously insane. I can't see how this ends well, not with these attributes. That being said, it remains unclear whether we are living in the best timeline (or the worst)... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
rodesire Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 10 hours ago, ManUtd1 said: October 2032. This is gloriously insane. I can't see how this ends well, not with these attributes. That being said, it remains unclear whether we are living in the best timeline (or the worst)... #Pogbout! #PPAP 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bitner Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Welcome back. Sad too see your capitulation, but eager to see how Pogba will react to being controlled by his own players.... Cheers, Bitner 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 October 2032. Zlatan continues to be distracted. What was going to be one (or perhaps two) international breaks away has instead become full-blown neglect of his duties, as he prepares for the big summit next month. Mind you, his preparations consist almost entirely of watching The Da Vinci Code repeatedly ("is good research, Boss, very accurate"), conducting "internet research" on methods of achieving an Immaculate Conception ("but no will be getting the pregnant if the Zlatan does it like this, Boss, is science"), engaging Bozidar in lengthy debates about the best music for the "opening ceremony" ("it has to be the Kidz Bop, yes?! All of the beats and none of the filth!"), and writing The Book of Zlatan, laying out the theological principles which he claims will mend the Great Schism. Sure, the Dutch are flying (even with a number of young, promising players in the squad) -- with a full-strength squad claiming a 3-1 win over Italy, followed by a youthful XI smashing Montenegro, 5-1. We have control of the Group and will secure passage through to the Nations League semifinals if we can hold our nerve on Matchdays 5 and 6. Nevertheless, we could use Zlatan to keep this young Partizan squad in line. After the humiliation away to **** Star, we managed to fall on our faces away to Saburtalo, jeopardizing our chances to progress to the knockout rounds. Sure, we still sit atop the Super Liga table, but we need to improve. One more month. At least, in theory. I never thought I would say this, but for once I do not appreciate how easily distracted Zlatan can be. We could really use his full attention. The red and orange dots make Baby RNGeebus cry. Half of our goals-against came in the last 20 minutes of the **** Star match. Yes, I'm still bitter. Why do you ask? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, rodesire said: #Pogbout! #PPAP 3 hours ago, Bitner said: Welcome back. Sad too see your capitulation, but eager to see how Pogba will react to being controlled by his own players.... Cheers, Bitner Honestly, I hope he goes the route of Messi in the FM17 Nearly Men, who ended up managing in the 2nd tier in Turkey (being relegated 2x!), and then wrapping up in his 70s in Mexico. It'd be glorious. Edit: PPAP sounds like an acronym for some uncomfortable annual medical procedure for men in their 60s. Edited January 5, 2020 by ManUtd1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 though if you want to talk about surgical procedures those are CPAP devices to aid with breathing, think that proves that adding the naked female form to something doesn't automatically make it sexy. Just swap the C for P and you are away! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, Mandy42 said: "Dr. Ruben Acula, report to the ER. Dr. Acula, to the ER, please." 4 minutes ago, Mandy42 said: that proves that adding the naked female form to something doesn't automatically make it sexy. That's not the kind of attitude that will be tolerated in here. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) November 2032. A bleak November afternoon in Belgrade, although the sun is breaking through the clouds when a group of people emerge from the front door of what appears to be a nightclub. The neon sign out front reads "The Itchy Kitty," decorated by a crudely-drawn cartoon Siamese cat, with a smaller sign below advertising "Ladies Night" in the CockPit Lounge, every Friday. An odd site for the location of what might be the most important theological summit in nearly 1,000 years. Then again, the fresh coat of paint recently added gives the 1980's-era nightclub a veneer of class, if you squint. The huddled masses outside reflect the entirety of Christendom. Waiting for days now, watching religious figures come and go for these high-stakes talks, punctuated by the occasional celebrity sighting. Reverent in their devotion, the anticipation has been building all day on the back of whispers that the discussions have born fruit. Now, the masses wait for the signs that were promised. The fog machines usually arrayed around the Itchy Kitty's main stage have been re-purposed, surrounding a path which leads to a stage erected beneath the Itchy Kitty sign. Black fog, to signal disagreement. White fog, to signal consensus. The group quickly disperse, one man heading to speak with the DJ, as another hurriedly checks the fog machines. The crowd can sense it. Something has happened inside. The end of their watch is nigh. Feedback suddenly echoes through the parking lot, reverberating off the cracked pavement. The DJ adjusts a few knobs and smiles to himself, the reverb fading. The unmistakable refrain of the Kidz Bop version of Europe's "The Final Countdown" strikes like a bolt of lightning from a clear sky. Yes, something has happened inside. The crowd surges forward in anticipation, straining against the barricades in place. The fog machines whir to life as the first chorus begins. White fog bursts forth, accompanied by shouts of joy. The masses embrace. Tears flow like sweet red wine. They are become joy. The front of the Kitty is now shrouded in white fog, pierced by lasers shooting into the sky. The leather-studded double doors open, as Zlatan Ibrahimovic strides forth, hand in hand with Pope Juan I and His All Holiness, Photios III. You recognize Pope Juan I from his days as a rampaging wingback for Deportivo Cali in the late 1980s, when he was known by his free-flowing mullet and his given name, Stalin Pinzon. Photios III is nothing less than the living embodiment of a Nordic God, 6'4", his uncut beard flowing in the light breeze. Others follow behind them, but the cameras follow the trio as they approach the stage. The crowd roars with unbridled joy as they mount the stage, prompting Zlatan to take the lead solo on air-guitar while gesturing to Pope Juan and Patriarch Photios to join him on air-bass and air-drums. They politely demure. As the solo ends, Zlatan takes the microphone. His words are inaudible, even amplified. What words can truly be said? The Great Schism has been mended. The white fog spilling forth carries more weight than any words could, as nearly 1,000 years of religious quarrel dissipate like the setting sun. Zlatan raises a hand, calling for quiet. Pope Juan and Patriarch Photios involuntarily flinch, pulling away from Zlatan before rearranging their garb, calming themselves. The shouts of joy continue, unabated. Zlatan again gestures for quiet, and the crowd settles down enough for his amplified voice to be heard. The Pope and Patriarch step forward, arm in arm, and invite a man standing behind them in a toga to step forward. At first, the fog and lasers reflecting off of his well-oiled physique and visage obscure his identity. But once he speaks, all recognize the voice as that of none other than Cristiano Ronaldo, the legendary footballer who now manages Augsburg, and whose presence in Belgrade has been rumored all week. "A reading," Cristiano intones, "from the Book of Zlatan." A hush falls over the crowd, their attention focused on the Portuguese legend, who reads slowly. Enunciating each words as one might savor a lover's first kiss. "Guardiola went up to Manchester. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, Baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, Baldy!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Zlatan. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. Amen." The crowd responds, enraptured. "Amen." Cristiano turns and embraces Zlatan. As he pulls away, you notice spots of oil staining Zlatan's elegant four-piece suit. They stand arm in arm, surveying the crowd and all that they have accomplished. The Pope and Patriarch embrace. The crowd cheers in ecstasy, as the Kidz Bop version of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" begins to play. Someone props the doors of the Itchy Kitty, as word begins to spread -- it's an open bar tonight. All night. Edited January 6, 2020 by ManUtd1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 Time flies when you're having fun: Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 December 2032. We finish 2032 on a high. Maybe it was Zlatan's renewed focus. Maybe it wasn't. There's really no way to tell, is there? Kidding aside, the youth are coming together at Partizan and we finished the calendar year strong, the only notable blips being the 2nd XI losing away to Smederevo and the 1st XI getting FM'd by Kolubara: More importantly, we're 12 points clear of Metalac with a game in hand: We also redeemed ourselves somewhat in the Europa Conference League, securing a date against Basaksehir in the knockout rounds. We simply weren't going to top City...at least, not this year. The Dutch finished their Nations League campaign with 6 wins from 6, after a 1-0 win in Genoa and a 2-1 win at Wembley. We'll face Spain in the semifinals next June. We also got a favorable World Cup qualifying draw, with Scotland being our most difficult opponent. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 February 2032. Our reward for smashing Basaksehir 7-nil on aggregate? A date with Diego Simeone's Dortmund. The Turks did not want to #TasteTheBean...but they were not given a choice. That's going to leave a mark. I appear to have angered RNGeebus somehow. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HawkAussie Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 That is an Oof. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 I arrived at the office today to find this card on my desk. My office has been locked all night... But the window was slightly ajar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Why wasn't it carved into the desk ? Missed opportunity! Hmmmm could Junter be Selene in disguise!! Blame the Zlatan for the Dortmund draw, he obviously didn't allow room for RNGeebus in his new fictional colour by numbers book 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Mandy42 said: Why wasn't it carved into the desk ? Missed opportunity! Hmmmm could Junter be Selene in disguise!! Blame the Zlatan for the Dortmund draw, he obviously didn't allow room for RNGeebus in his new fictional colour by numbers book I thought about doing that, but couldn't get the filter to work right! (In reality, @oriole01 drew it and sent it to me. It was way too brilliant to not share/incorporate.) You do realize that Zlatan will not take kindly to such wanton blasphemy, right? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bitner Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 5 horas atrás, ManUtd1 disse: I arrived at the office today to find this card on my desk. My office has been locked all night... But the window was slightly ajar. CREEPY! Cheers, Bitner 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 pfft he doesn't scare me, if he comes anywhere near i'll rip him a new great schism 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 38 minutes ago, Bitner said: CREEPY! Full credit to @oriole01, brilliant stuff! 38 minutes ago, Mandy42 said: pfft he doesn't scare me, if he comes anywhere near i'll rip him a new great schism Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
hasdgfas Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 On 05/01/2020 at 17:16, ManUtd1 said: "Guardiola went up to Manchester. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, Baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, Baldy!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Zlatan. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. Amen." GREAT use of one of my favorite Bible verses. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, hasdgfas said: GREAT use of one of my favorite Bible verses. That's honestly the best part, that some might not recognize. It's an actual Bible verse (2 Kings 2:23-24) with the most modest tweaks, not just some random Zlatan/Pep fanfic that I made up. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) March 2032. Ahead of the big match against Dortmund, a solemn reading from the Book of Zlatan (4:36-49), with Bozidar on air-saxophone. Tonight the music seems so loud, I wish that we could lose this crowd. Maybe it's better this way, We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say. - We could have been so good together, We could have lived this dance forever. But no one's gonna dance with me, Please stay. - And I'm never gonna dance again, Guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool. - Should've known better than to cheat a friend, And waste the chance that I'd been given. So I'm never gonna dance again, The way I danced with you. - Now that you're gone, What I did's so wrong, so wrong, That you had to leave me alone. Edited January 7, 2020 by ManUtd1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 "Mommy, why is Antoine Griezmann singing about never dancing again?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, ManUtd1 said: "Mommy, why is Antoine Griezmann singing about never dancing again?" Because Sergio Ramos smashed his legs in 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 March 2033. Our Europa Conference League journey is over. We hit the post in both legs, with an early goal called back for offsides in the 1st leg. We had our chances and didn't take them. It's as simple as that. Oh, and our 2nd XI got smashed by David De Gea's Cukaricki over the weekend. Suffice to say our brilliant start to 2033 is over. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bitner Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Not a great year. C'mon Nico... Cheers, Bitner Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 Just now, Bitner said: Not a great year. C'mon Nico... Cheers, Bitner It gets worse. We were FM'd in the Kup Srbije final by 2nd-tier Vozdovac, after having a goal called back in regulation and our best player (Ibrahim) missing a penalty in extra time. He also missed his penalty in the shootout. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 2 hours ago, ManUtd1 said: It gets worse. We were FM'd in the Kup Srbije final by 2nd-tier Vozdovac, after having a goal called back in regulation and our best player (Ibrahim) missing a penalty in extra time. He also missed his penalty in the shootout. least he's consistent, he take a bribe? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bitner Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 5 horas atrás, ManUtd1 disse: It gets worse. We were FM'd in the Kup Srbije final by 2nd-tier Vozdovac, after having a goal called back in regulation and our best player (Ibrahim) missing a penalty in extra time. He also missed his penalty in the shootout. I guess someone's father-in-law will be angry... Cheers, Bitner 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) Guilty Feet Have Got Not Rhythm FK Partizan / Netherlands - Season Review 2032/33 I cannot help but feel that it was a year of two-steps-forward-one-step-back. I don't begrudge Zlatan mending the Great Schism, but perhaps if he was around to build up their fitness levels in the early months, we wouldn't have struggled late, securing the Super Liga title but days later falling to second-tier Vozdovac in the Kup Srbije final, with Ibrahim missing a penalty in extra time and during the shootout. I'm not saying it is Emmanuel's fault, but it is. Unless it's Zlatan's fault. Either way. I'm not going to split hairs over it, even if the Chairman is calling for someone's head to roll. Once he gets past the initial frustration, he'll be fine. It's football. And, more to the point, it couldn't be Emmanuel's fault. Because we had the same problem with the Dutch. Spanking the Spanish in the Nations League semifinal, only to get spanked by ze Germans in the final. (As Zlatan so helpfully pointed out afterwards, you usually have to pay good money for an enthusiastic German spanking like that, especially if you want a balding Manuel Neuer playing pocket pool in the background.) But now is not the time for accusations and recriminations. We have a few weeks off, and Stana is demanding my attention. Honestly, I feel like I've been ignoring her as of late...too focused on my job. Her father's words still echo in the the back of my mind, promising his blessing if I can find success for Partizan on the pitch. The coming year will present a new challenge for my tenure. By winning the Super Liga, we've gained entry to the Champions League. The promised land. We're 180 minutes of football from the Group Stages, which would be a massive step forward for this young squad. For now, though, some down time will be good. We've got a long year ahead. A big year. When the first whistle blows, our focus must be unwavering. A big year. No question. I'm extremely pleased to have a shot at meaningful Champions League football next year. This squad is so ridiculously young that we'll probably get spanked, but...we have to start somewhere. The Kup Srbije final was awful. We wobbled a tiny bit in the league -- David De Gea's Cukaricki seem to have our number -- but finished strong. The final, though...one goal called back for offsides, our best player (and top goalscorer) missing not one but two penalties. A proper FM'ing. I'm also not exaggerating re the Nations League final. We spanked the Spanish, 2-nil, after a decent beginning to our World Cup qualifying campaign (beating the Czechs 3-nil, with a frustrating 1-1 draw in Montenegro). I had reason to think that ze Germans would be a managable opponent...but we were quickly disabused of that notion. They were ruthless. Clinical. 5-nil. Like Zlatan says, you usually have to pay good money to get spanked like that, with or without Manuel Neuer's presence...always look on the bright side, right? So let's just sit back, drink some black-market Serbian Rum and forget about our results in cup finals over the last few weeks. This year wasn't about winning titles (which we did). Rather, it was focused on getting the pieces of the puzzle in place -- both at Partizan and with the Dutch -- for success in the years to come. We certainly accomplished that with both sides. Goals for 2033/34: Defend our Super Liga title. Reach the Champions League Group Stage and/or make a run in the Europa League knockout rounds. Qualify for Japan 2034 with the Dutch. Squad | League Overview | Transfers Finances | Income | Expenditure Fixtures 1 | Fixtures 2 | Fixtures 3 European Review In the Champions League, Raul Valbuena's Juventus defeated Julian Nagelsmann's Gladbach, 1-0: Otherwise, it was an insanely boring year in the Champions League. Champions League Overview | CL Knockout Rounds In the Europa League, Pep Guardiola's Monaco beat Marco Rose's Stuttgart on penalties. Europa League Overview | EL Knockout Rounds In the Europa Conference League, Sergio Conceicao's Standard shocked everyone by beating Diego Simeone's Dortmund, 1-nil...but even that wasn't as shocking as the elimination of Murad Musaev's Manchester City at the hands of Legia in the Second Knockout Round. Europa Conf. League Overview | ECL Knockout Rounds In the active leagues, Marcelo Gallardo's Wolves won their first Premier League title since 1959, continuing their ascent up the world football ladder. Raul Valbuena's Juventus won their 12th straight Serie A title (their 21st in 22 years). Albert Celades' Valencia de-throned (Arsenal Legend) Unai Emery's Barcelona, preventing the Catalans from winning their 10th straight title (leading to Emery getting the sack). Julian Nagelsmann's Gladbach defended their Bundesliga title (their 3rd in 4 years). In Ligue 1, Paulo Fonseca's PS-****ing-G won the title on matchday 38 with a 3-1 win over Lyon in Paris, to leapfrog Lyon in the table (Fonseca took over for Mourinho, who retired at the end of the 2031/32 season). Simone Inzaghi's Club Brugge won their 5th Belgian title in 7 years. Antonio Conte's Panathinaikos were rampant, winning their 9th straight title. Finally, Pontus Jansson's Hammarby won their 2nd Allsvenskan title in 3 years. Save/Challenge Overview Cross-posted at From the Cheap Seats. Edited January 8, 2020 by ManUtd1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Doesn't that make Stuttgart eligible? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
wynter Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Mandy42 said: Doesn't that make Stuttgart eligible? CL Runner Ups only Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 8 hours ago, Mandy42 said: Doesn't that make Stuttgart eligible? 5 hours ago, wynter said: CL Runner Ups only Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bitner Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Hope things go better next season Cheers, Bitner 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) June 2033. I've been accused of many things. Hoarding youth prospects is one of them. The transfer window has just opened in Serbia and we've secured 4 signings -- 2 are in the door already, 2 are secured for future transfer windows. Branko Platisa ($300k, Metalac) looks like a solid goalkeeper, who I've identified to eventually step into the 2nd XI (if/when he develops, and either Begaj or Gueye moves on). Davor Svilar ($675k from Cu**aricki) could develop into a handy carrilero. Stealing him away from De Gea was both petty and pleasing, in equal measure. Isaac Ngatchou ($90k, Botofogo (Cameroon)) is an absolute steal, even if his concentration is beneath what I'd usually go for. He'll arrive in July 2034 and be trained as a shadowganche. Zoubir "Zoob" Aouameur ($475k, ES Setif) looks like a dream mezzala. If he was 6'0" (or taller), I'd retrain him as a libero...but even I'm not crazy enough to play him there, at his height with a jumping reach of 3. I'm also chasing Adrian Harrison, an 18 year-old Gibraltarian fullback that I stumbled across while looking at one of his teammates at Frosinone. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds. But...well, just have a look at him and try to contain yourself. Frosinone have been relegated, which kicks in an $18.25M relegation release clause. I've been doing everything I can to destabilize him, and so far the Italians won't accept a penny beneath that figure...I'm hoping that I'll be able to negotiate them downwards once they're officially in Serie B. I don't like spending that much on players, as a general rule...even if there is something inherently amazing in having a Gibraltarian player who is that good. Things got a little out of hand at the Itchy Kitty, the night we put Harrison's YouTube highlights on the big screen. Edited January 9, 2020 by ManUtd1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy42 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 I WILL NOT BE CONTAINED! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 49 minutes ago, Mandy42 said: I WILL NOT BE CONTAINED! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piksi#10 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 On 05/01/2020 at 05:50, ManUtd1 said: September 2032. Zlatan is more distracted than ever, right when we need him the most. Away to our eternal rivals, up 3-nil after Ismaili tapped one in, in the 68th minute...only to cave to the relentless pressure of the home side. I've never felt so low. We're a young squad. We must learn to kill off a game. It's going to be a depressing night at the Itchy Kitty. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
enigmatic Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 I'm looking at the BBC website and seeing the headline 'Zlatan did not create Malmo, Malmo created Zlatan', why the striker's statue 'must be moved' and thinking, 'wow, this thread escalated quickly' 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 6 hours ago, Piksi#10 said: 2 hours ago, enigmatic said: I'm looking at the BBC website and seeing the headline 'Zlatan did not create Malmo, Malmo created Zlatan', why the striker's statue 'must be moved' and thinking, 'wow, this thread escalated quickly' Ripped from the headlines! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) August 2033. The morning headlines are not acceptable. We're a laughing stock. Through no fault of our own. Zlatan, for once, appears to be the voice of reason. "Boss, is way of world now. Corporate sponsors. Corporate rights. Corporate feelings. Corporate everything." "Corporations are not people, Zlatan." "Remember in that documentary where the Schwarzenegger comes back to the past? The sequel, where Fresh Prince is fighting angry robot?" I just sigh. We've had this debate before. I know how this ends. I'm not going to take the bait. "That's not what we're talking about, Zlatan. Besides, I don't care about killer robots. It's the Congolese midfielder we've signed as a replacement for Terziev. We can't... This... This is absurd. He's a human being. A person. Not...whatever this is." "Corporo-humanoids are very hip right now, Boss. The Zlatan knows, I've seen this movie, yes? With the Alicia Vikander? Very erotic. Much sexy time. But we no have sexy time with the Doctor, no?! Unless...what if--" I need to nip this in the bud. "Zlatan. Listen to me. I'm telling you three times, no." For a moment, Zlatan looks like he's going to argue. But then he looks down and nods, scuffing his feet into the ground. "Zlatan, stop acting like I **** in your cornflakes. It's just a name." "Is no just name, Boss. The Zlatan? No just name. The Zlatan is lion. Without name, the Zlatan would just be Zlatan. And you would make the Zlatan cry." That might be the most coherent argument Zlatan has made in weeks. "Fine. I'll call him by his corporo...whatever, name." "Is his legal name, Boss, Doctor Congo. Kind of like the Dr. Pepper flavor, but made by Jelly Belly peoples and tasting like licorice jelly beans. The Doctor Congo is spokesman for brand, and official corporate Ambassador to the Serbia. The Zlatan saw corporate goons designing goal celebration this morning time, eating beans...very erotic. Sensual. We can be sued for defamation and trademark infringement if we do not allow this." For neither the first nor last time today, I sigh deeply. It's clear that Stana's father is in on this, so there's no point complaining. It's a brave new world. And one thing has been made clear to me by the forced sale of Terziev over my objections. We're here to win football matches. But the club is here so that Stana's father can make money. We need to reach a position of financial stability, so that I can persuade him not to sell off players that I'd prefer to keep. Until then, it is a Doctor Congo world. Yes, you've read that correctly. The Board sold Florim Terziev (over my objections) to Lionel Messi's Tottenham for $23M. We've done brilliantly with our finances over the last 1.5 seasons, but not well enough for the Board to ignore a massive offer like this. I'm a little gutted, to say the least. Nastasijevic will step into the 1st XI to replace him. To replace Terziev, I've decided to bring in a Congolese player I've been eyeing for a while -- Aldrich Maputu, who has announced a personal corporate sponsorship that requires his name be legally changed to Doctor Congo. This personal corporate sponsorship follows a disturbing trend first charted with the immortal Wienerwald in the FM 18 version of the Nearly Men (who was sponsored by a German fast-food schnitzel shop), which takes us one step further down the road towards a bleak, Idiocracy-esque future. (And, yes, his name is a play on "DR Congo," thanks to an amusing autocorrect in a WhatsApp chat.) (All kidding aside, my daughter is Congolese. One of my worst all-time FM moments was taking over DR Congo during the FM 17 version of the Nearly Men in February 2087, ready to take a strong side to the World Cup...only to get sacked 9 months later when were FM'd and eliminated from CAF World Cup Qualifying before the Group Stage... Yeah. Exactly. It was awful. I deserved to get sacked, if not worse. I would love nothing more than for more African nations to become eligible in this save; DR Congo would be amazing.) In other news, Ilija Cuk was sent off to Betis after he demanded more playing time (which he wasn't going to get). We'll be using youth academy prospects to fill this 6th CB slot, I just haven't decided yet between 2 players. More to follow... We also kept Serbian-Canadian David Greenberg here as our 2nd XI's carrilero, after he impressed during a year out on loan (with Miljan Aleksivjevic going out on loan this year). Edited January 10, 2020 by ManUtd1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) What a debut for Doctor Congo! An 11th minute goal, then subbed off at halftime by Zlatan. This was obviously due to IR, but in my head he was taken off because his goal celebration was too erotic. #TheDoctorIsIn #TasteTheBean #DoctorWho Edited January 10, 2020 by ManUtd1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 Welcome to the Champions League. Tough draw. Our hope is to finish 3rd so that we qualify for the Europa League knockout rounds, but that's a big ask. (And, yes, I thought we had only qualified for the Playoffs -- I'd obviously missed the news that we would qualify directly for the Group Stage.) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HawkAussie Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 3 hours ago, ManUtd1 said: Welcome to the Champions League. Tough draw. Our hope is to finish 3rd so that we qualify for the Europa League knockout rounds, but that's a big ask. (And, yes, I thought we had only qualified for the Playoffs -- I'd obviously missed the news that we would qualify directly for the Group Stage.) You are wishing too low, you need to attempt to qualify to the knockout stage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManUtd1 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, HawkAussie said: You are wishing too low, you need to attempt to qualify to the knockout stage. I'd love nothing more than to get that far... But it seems a bridge too far with how young and inexperienced we are... Edited January 10, 2020 by ManUtd1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Constantine Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 This defeatist attitude won't do it for Partizan, i'm afraid... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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