Evil Pep: An Homage to Rivalry

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Unpopular manager Ernesto Valverde was canned before the 20118/2019 season to the surprise of no one. His football was dour and lacked the aesthetic sophistication of Pep Guardiola or the simple effectiveness of the MSN-era. They replaced him with an unknown manager who promised to bring the Libero to global relevance again by using Pique and Vermaelen as centerpieces of the squad. To a cost-conscious board, it sounded like a good idea at the time. All he asked for were simple signings... it started with De Ligt: OK. That will help fix an identified weakness with height at the back. Then he signs Milinkovic-Savic. The fans are delighted, but the 88m pound man (evil Pep deposits his cheques in London) was injured regularly and had little impact. The unknown manager's Libero system went from defensive heroes to offensive zeroes. The Barcelona board had one last plan to save the club from certain ruin.  Atletico Madrid ran away with the title after Barca had held the lead for so long. The old unknown manager would be canned in a surprise sacking. Second place and a Round of 16 exit in the Champions League at the hands of Pep Guardiola's Manchester City meant the board only really had one option...

 

"BRING BACK PEP!"

 

They called Guardiola, and he laughed at them. 

 

But fortune favors the bold. An unemployed global football star with the exact same birthday as Pep Guardiola walked into an unofficial interview calmly. He had excellent command of many languages and dual Portuguese and Spanish passports. Better yet, his name was almost Pep Guardiola! What could go wrong? The old unknown was canned. When you don't have much of a reputation, they can fire you purely because someone else with a reputation has a better name and hasn't technically ever lost a game as a professional manager. Ever. For now. Not even a goal conceded yet with Evil Pep's methods, which also require reverse psychology and an element of failure to succeed. 

This is the story of how Evil Pep was hired. The headlines alone were worth it.

And this is also the story of Evil Pep came to be hated by everyone: by other managers who wanted the transfer market balanced, by passing-purists, and by St. George himself rolling in his grave, for he could not bare to see such glorious passes up and at a big man on foreign shores while England lay entranced by the equally false promises of Pep I.  

Evil Pep promised to do everything the previous unknown manager did but bolder, bigger, with better headlines, greater efficiency, and more radical squad rebuilding. Little did the board know it, but they had made a deal with the devil and sold Barca's soul. But before Barca's Faustian bargin begins, have a look at those coaching stats! Evil Pep was a real diamond in the rough, but he does come with some downsides. His personality is rigid, and he knows nothing about the Barca locker room. Unlike Pep I, Pep II never even played for the club. He does not care for Barcelona's current players or youth set-up. He intends to use a mix of huge signings and savvy youth acquistions to rebuild the first team and La Masia in his image. To knock everything down and right the ship with brutal power is Evil Pep's way, and it will be the only way at this club from here on out.

Evil Pep is the same height as Pep Guardiola. However, unlike Pep, he does not seek to physically tower over his players. Instead, he sees the team as a balanced and often towering reflection of his idealized athletic self. His hidden agenda is to sap and impurify the precious bodily fluids of tiki-taka's wholesome emphasis on technical passers and replace it with a mixture of brawn and Sergio Busquets.

 

You didn't think a Pep era would begin without Sergio Busquets surviving the incoming purge, did you? Who else is going to put a boot in or otherwise stifle the opposition while calmly passing around them?