[FM 18] If You're Not First, You're Last (Re-Redux) - Redemption for the "Nearly Men" of Europe

[ManUtd1]

A big moment for the club, as we no longer have to play at Helsingborgs' stadium.  Zlatan, in particular, was perpetually on edge throughout the last year, every time we had to visit.

The last time we were there, it was like he'd gone both apesh*t and batsh*t crazy, with a healthy dose of unbridled fury.  I mean, in the tunnel before the match, he was threatening to use someone's eye socket as a sex toy.

I'd chalk it up to Zlatan being Zlatan...but he was yelling at a small child who was going to walk out on the pitch with the teams, as part of the pre-match "fair play" ceremony.  

When an Allsvenskan representative asked him to watch his language in front of the children, Zlatan claimed it was just a hypothetical.  He then threatened to put the referee into the hospital, on life support, claiming that with all of the tubes that would need to be inserted into the ref's body to keep him alive, Zlatan would be able play him like a set of human bagpipes. 

So, yeah...being back home in Malmo will be good for everyone.

 

Edited May 14, 2019 by ManUtd1

[nie jem frytek]

Like this, but with more ooof? http://i.imgur.com/4otdHOR.gifv

[ManUtd1]

4 hours ago, nie jem frytek said:

Like this, but with more ooof? http://i.imgur.com/4otdHOR.gifv

Yeah, just a hint more of the ol' ultraviolence added in.

[ManUtd1]

 

*laughs in Telleus*

[ManUtd1]

Becoming Zlatan, Part I: The Zlataning

Malmö FF / Denmark -- June 2053

I, The Zlatan, live in the Malmovagen Gardens building north of the city. The Zlatan's name is Zlatan Ibrahimovic. The Zlatan believes in taking care of Himself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if the Zlatan's face is a little puffy, the Zlatan will put on an ice pack while doing His stomach crunches. The Zlatan can do a thousand now. After the Zlatan removes the ice pack, He uses a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, The Zlatan uses a water activated gel cleanser. Then a honey almond body scrub. And on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub. Then apply an herb mint facial mask, which The Zlatan leaves on for 10 minutes while He prepares the rest of His routine. The Zlatan always uses an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. There is an idea of a Zlatan Ibrahimovic, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real Zlatan. Only an entity, something illusory. And though the Zlatan can hide His cold gaze, and you can shake the Zlatan's hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable, the Zlatan simply... Is.  Not.  There.

Do not get the Zlatan wrong.  The Zlatan has all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for lust, ambition and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of the Zlatan lately and the Zlatan does not know why. The Zlatan's nightly lust for winning and the sexy boom-boom has overflown into His days. The Zlatan feels hungry, on the verge of frenzy. The Zlatan thinks His mask of sanity is about to slip.  The Zlatan, He wishes to wear the skin of Pep the Bald as a dress.

 

  

Edited May 21, 2019 by ManUtd1

[ManUtd1]

2053 European Review

As the narrative begins a tangent inside Zlatan's head...let's take a look around Europe, shall we?

Tottenham ended Leeds' run of Premier League titles, in what was a great year for the London side, now managed by regen Swiss legend Francis Bolongo (120 caps).  Almedin Ziljkic's Nantes made it 3 straight in Ligue 1.   Kostas Tsamouris' RB Leipzig won their 5th straight Bundesliga title...and continue to look like a dynasty in the making.   Nordi Mukiele's Celta won their fourth straight La Liga title...and finally broke Nordi's Champions League duck, with an insane victory 5-2 (aet) victory over Angel Correa's Leeds which saw 2 90th minute goals, including a penalty.  Nordi, as you may recall, had previously finished as runner-up in 5 straigth CL finals...the ultimate nearly man(ager) gets his redemption. Boschilia's Milan defended their Serie A title, in a year that saw Sampdoritos slip out of the Champions League spots on a tiebreaker to Genoa, the first time since 2034 they haven't finished 1st or 2nd. Kevin Strootman's Party-zan kept the good times rolling at the Itchy Kitty.  Laurent Henkinet's Club Brugge reclaimed their title from upstarts Charleroi.  Olympiacos made it 6 in a row in Greece.  And, for once, Jordan Ayew's Shakhtar did a very un-Shakhtar thing, falling to 3rd behind Olexandr Zinchenko's Karpaty and runners-up Mariupol.

And in the Europa League, Diego Pampin's Montpellier beat Erik Zorec's **** Star 3-1 in the final to claim their 2nd in 3 years.  Notable showings from Olympiacos (2052 runners up), Junior Oto'o's Mainz and Bogdan Jocic's Rad.

        

  

 

[ManUtd1]

Becoming Zlatan, Part II: Zlatan and Drake's Excellent Adventure

Malmö FF / Denmark -- July 2053

The Zlatan is pleased.  Malmo are ready for the Europe...Ready to march in Zlatan-esque fashion, once this "summer break" is over.  We are adult.  What adult takes break in summer like small child?!  The Zlatan is ready for Allsvenskan and Champions League.  To conquer the Europe.  To fight for the Malmo.  To love the women.

And to visit the zoo in Berlin if ok with the Boss.  He knows the Zlatan likes the lions, and zee German lions understand the Zlatan.  The zookeeper does not, yelling foolishly that is not petting zoo and making the Zlatan leave the enclosure.

But every zoo is a petting zoo if you are the Zlatan.

Drake is does not understand.  Is crazy Irish, especially with the nose candy.  Wants to open a two-way petting zoo.  "How does this work," the Zlatan asked him.  Drake says is simples, you pet animals, animals pet you back.  The Zlatan thinks that we all go to the jail for long time if animals are petting the people.  The Zlatan does not want to go to jail.

[ManUtd1]

Becoming Zlatan, Part III: Don't Don't Don't Don't ... Don't You... Forget About The Zlatan

Malmö FF / Denmark -- August 2053

The Zlatan does not like the media scum.  If it was so easy to manage a footballing team, these pundits would just do it, yes?!  But they are not the Zlatan.

The Zlatan complains to the Boss, but he does not understand.  The Zlatan tells Jean, do not look at the media scum.  Do not talk to them.  Treat the media like you would treat someone from a **** country like the France, a person who you paid $25,000 to hunt.  But the Boss got all upset in his pants about that, wondering what the Zlatan was talking about.

The best vacation the Zlatan ever took is what He was talking about, Boss.  The best vacation.  Ever.

 

Edited May 21, 2019 by ManUtd1

[ManUtd1]

Brutal draw for the CL.  Brugge is easily the weakest 1 seed, but Monaco and the Smurfs are no easy picnic.  We'll need a bit of luck to reach the Europa League knockout rounds, as the #3 team.

The absolute best part, though, is that the Catalans were a #4 seed...with a coefficient beneath that of **** Star, Rad, Charleroi, Olympiacos, etc.

 

[ManUtd1]

Becoming Zlatan, Part IV: What exactly am I trying to say?! You's are a bunch of ****in' elephants!!

Malmö FF / Denmark -- September 2053

Usually the Zlatan likes a game of Strip MarioKart on Fridays.  But it is Thursday, so the Zlatan is sad.  Drake suggested that we just pretend it is Friday, but that never works.  Is not the same.

And the Zlatan has been watching the news while in Bruges.  The news make the Zlatan have sad.  The Swedish Prime Minister is on the TV...which makes the Zlatan remember that he he smells of instant noodle flavor packets and pickles.  And now the Zlatan is both hungry and sad.

Not very Zlatan.  In fact, all of the Sweden is not very Zlatan these days.

Perhaps is time...  Time to Make Sweden Zlatan Again.

 

[ManUtd1]

 

 

 

[Rikulec]

Oh no.

[Tacchi]

#ZlatanforPresident

[ManUtd1]

On 22/05/2019 at 03:24, Rikulec said:

Oh no.

5 hours ago, Tacchi said:

#ZlatanforPresident

The debates will be epic.

#FreeBackrubsAndKarate4Everyone

[ManUtd1]

Make Sweden Zlatan Again, Campaign Kickoff
October 4, 2053; Malmo Stadion, Sweden

[Exterior.  Early evening.  Confetti cannons launch their payloads every few moments, as OutKast’s Hey Ya booms (on repeat) from speakers throughout the stadium.  A temporary surface covers the pitch, which is also filled with supporters wearing replica jerseys covering Zlatan’s career.  There’s not an empty seat in the house.  All are waiting for the arrival of their hero, from a tunnel in the eastern end of the stadium.]

Announcer: LET’S GET READY TO ZLATAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

[The crowd goes wild as the lights dim.  Lazers begin to shoot from the rafters as 3 dozen fog machines in the east end begin to do their work.  Suddenly, the lazers end their lazy waltz to Andre 3000s’ beat as the chorus kicks in, to coalesce and draw a 45-foot high vision of Zlatan in his pomp.  As Zlatan emerges from the fog, the crowd explodes in pure blessed rapture.  Babies are thrust into his arms.  Women swoon.  Men experience an awkward sensation in their loins, a longing they never knew until this moment.  Because this is His moment.]

[Taking the stage after a slow walk, Zlatan’s first words are drowned out by the screaming crowd, the microphone of no use.  Realizing that he cannot be heard, Zlatan is not deterred.  He basks in the moment.  Salutes the crowd.  Senses their adoration, like a lion surveying all that the light touches, knowing that it is his.  Rips off his shirt, beginning an impromptu karate demonstration as Hey Ya fades into Enrique Iglesias’ Hero.]

[Feeding off of Zlatan’s energy, the crowd grows even louder.  Not having said a single word, somehow Zlatan has whipped them into an even greater frenzy.]

[35 minutes later, Zlatan leaves the stage, a sheen of sweat glistening across his torso, a single bead of sweat dripping from his nose.  But the party is only starting, as no one present wishes to leave.  For they know that tonight, they have witnessed history.]

[Zlatan exits through the fog, greeted by his trusted advisor and friend, John “Le Rouge” Drake, as the first notes of Train’s Drops of Jupiter echo through the stadium.]

DRAKE: Jesus rocket-jumping Christ, there are so many people out there, Zlatan...it's like a Mormon orgy.

ZLATAN: And that was before the Zlatan’s pants came off.

DRAKE: Seriously! It was like a sexual 9/11.

ZLATAN: Ehh… The Zlatan has seen better.  Was more like sexual Cuban Missile Crisis.  At best. 

DRAKE:  Don’t you mean…at worst?

ZLATAN: Six of one, half-dozen of the other.

DRAKE: That’s what she said.

[The two friends share a soft chuckle as dozens of advisors wait patiently.]

ZLATAN: The Zlatan has a strange desire for a soy latte.  He blames the Train for this feeling...those sick, beautiful bastards.  

Edited May 28, 2019 by ManUtd1

[ManUtd1]

Becoming Zlatan, Part V: Alright, who wants a moustache ride?!

Malmö FF / Denmark -- November 2053

The ending of the Allsvenskan has filled the Zlatan with anger.  We should of been the having the undefeat.  The second XI are now paying for having offended the Zlatan and losing in next-to-last match, with many push-up and run.

Campaign is building on the Malmo's successes.  But the Zlatan must say that whoever said the babies are all cute?  Yes?  That person must be strapped into the stroller and pushed into oncoming traffic.  The Zlatan has given many kisses to the babies that are not the cute, to the point that the Zlatan has belt bad about the mothers and their sadness, and must give them many moustache ride to that they are feeling the better.  Is just like when the Zlatan get sad as a child, and the Zlatan's meemaw would sing to him, her favorite song.  "Is raining Zlatan, hallelujah!  Is raining Zlatan, hallelujah!"  You know the song.  To avoid the jealous, they change it from the Zlatan to "men."  But you know that the Zlatan is all men.

Drake needs to find new job.  Is not helping campaign.  Keeps telling the Zlatan to use the Force, and making strange gestures at the Zlatan.  The Zlatan does not like.  To distract Drake, the Zlatan gave him special mission.  "Help the Zlatan, Drake.  You are the Zlatan's only hope."  Crazy Irishman is now looking for bag that is roughly the size of a two year-old child, if the child was liquified.  Why need it?!  No reason.  The Zlatan promises.

 
Posting this separately, because the final matchday at the Telia Parken was insane...needing a win to ensure we go through among the 2nd place finishers...going up 2-nil against Spain, only to give up 2 goals before finding a late winner (and one for emphasis).  Epic.  Zlatan-esque...and not in a "liquifying toddlers" kind of way.

 

Edited May 28, 2019 by ManUtd1

[ManUtd1]

This draw makes me very happy.  Facing Sweden in the Group Stage, in particular.