Idiots Abroad, or How Not to Run a Football League

[Diego Imposta]

This story has been a great and timely way for me to get to know who's who on the forum, although I'm starting to see the Curse of the Flying Hellfish developing 

[EvilDave]

Thanks Diego, glad to be of service! I had to check your reference for a second there - I can see where yo're coming from!
--

Having been delighted with his side’s lofty position at the start of the season, Copper was now feeling the pressure. His Tupapa Maraerenga side were the team to beat, the club being hunted down by the rest of the FMS award winners in a desperate bid to claim Round Cup glory. The fact that the FA had assented to Mark’s outrageous financial demands meant the material rewards were less important, but he desperately wanted to prove to himself and the others that he could really pull this off.

He’d written so extensively on the mental aspects of management, and felt that these were the exact moments he could draw on his research and expertise. The differences between sitting powerless at rock bottom and watching anxiously over your shoulder from a lofty position were, he reckoned, not too different, and the mentality of personal improvement and discipline that he had always stressed in his stories were something that he had been keen to implement in his own unexpected managerial journey.

He had lost nearly 15 pounds since arriving in the Cook Islands, and this from a man who did not have too much to lose to begin with. Part of the reason for his weight loss was his aversion to the local diet – he had never been much of a seafood man – but the majority was down to his exercise regime which saw him joining in with training, running several miles every other morning, and performing a series of bodyweight exercises on the days in-between. With little else to occupy him, he was in the best shape of his adult life.

While Copper seemed to have entered a heightened mental state, Mark’s own wellbeing was suffering. Still somewhat affected by the madness that had him replicating the tactics of Louis van Gall – and seeing his Titikaveka dropping like a stone to the foot of the table in the process – he was desperately looking for a way to make sure that he didn’t finish last.

Although he would never admit it to the others, that fear of failure was a bit factor in his moment of bravado at the FA headquarters – if he could at least ensure that even the losers were compensated, it would lessen the blow. But he knew he would never live it down on FMS, not if the most active member of the boards, one of the moderators, failed so spectacularly when it came to real-life management.

And yet at this late stage in the campaign there was only Chris’ Avatiu in his sights, Fuller’s men the only team Titikaveka could still overhaul. Both men had endured miserable seasons – something that Chris at least had experience of writing during his time at Elgoibar – but Mark knew that desperate times called for desperate measures.

The following morning, the Avatiu boss drew back the curtains to find Marouane Fellaini staring back at him, face pressed against the outside of the window. More accurately, he drew back the curtains to find hundreds of Marouane Fellainis staring back at him, eyes fixed in the same goofy position and hair in the same ridiculous afro. Someone somewhere – and he had a reasonably good idea who – had decided that this was the best way to throw him off his stride.

In Mark’s defence, he hadn’t left himself very much time. And Marouane Fellaini is confusing. But a little more thought would not have gone amiss.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Twelve Review: Two splits three as pressure mounts

With just two matches remaining for the majority of teams in this special edition of the Cook Islands Round Cup – and just one for the bottom two – the table remains as tight as ever, with five of the seven clubs still able to lift the title and two points separating the top three clubs. Ahead of a two-week break before the last rounds of fixtures, Matavera were the big winners as the only side able to claim three points – Takuvaine throwing away a chance to go top of the table as Pauikura held leaders Tupapa Meraerenga to a draw at Victoria Park.

And it is to Victoria Park we must go first, where a win over Tenthree Leader’s men would have given fellow American Copper Horse and his side a three point advantage with just two games to play. However, knowing that defeat would have seen them eliminated from title contention acted as huge motivation for the visitors, spurring them on to an impressive first half performance which saw them match their favoured opponents blow for blow, even striking the woodwork through Andrew Iroa. Goalless at the interval, it was Puaikura who started the brightest, talisman Iroa winning possession on the halfway line and finding a team-mate with a pass before racing 40 yards upfield and flicking beyond the goalkeeper at the near post. However, much to the chagrin of Leader in the dugout, his side switched off momentarily in the wake of their goal, and the table-toppers struck almost instantly, their first attack after falling behind repelled, and the second ending up in the back of the net. Gustave Tutuava was the man to benefit from some hesitant defending in the Puaikura box, and his neat finish proved to be the final goal as the two sides shared the spoils. Neither American will be hugely pleased with the outcome, but neither will be overly disappointed either – Horse’s men maintain their position atop the table, while Leader’s side retain their outside shot at an unlikely title win.

Second favourites at this late stage in the season are Evil Dave’s Matavera, although the fixture has not done them any favours with games against the third and fourth place sides respectively still to come. However, faced with bottom side Titikaveka they showed little sign of late-season nerves, taking their time to warm up before steamrollering Mark Wilson’s struggling outfit. The atmosphere amongst the home fans was beginning to grow a little tense before Adam MacDonald finally beat Victor Teao five minutes before the interval, but the goal relaxed Dave’s side as the second half got underway. With the visitors mustering just two shots in the 90 minutes – only one of which forced a save – Matavera remained in cruise control, goals after the break from the in-form Newnham and late on from Brett Gibson giving their goal difference a welcome boost before their final two games.

Now a point above Titikaveka at the foot of the table are Avatiu, who produced one of their best spells of the season to put a big dent in the title hopes of Takuvaine and manager Neil Hoskins. Trailing by two goals after just 11 minutes – Tobia and Robertson finding the back of the net with the first two shots of the match – Chris Fuller’s side once again showed a marked improvement after the break, only on this occasion translating their improvement into goals. Aturangi Putere gave the hosts a much-needed lifeline with a scorcher from range just seven minutes after the break, and with 10 minutes to go the comeback was complete courtesy of Mariri Purea’s back-post header. While he would have dearly loved a third goal, Fuller was seen celebrating with his players at the final whistle – they now know a win at Nikao in their final game will see them avoid the wooden spoon. For Hoskins and Takuvaine, the draw could mean a frustrating end to a season in which they have exceeded expectations, leaving them two points off the leaders rather than ahead on goal difference. 

Tupapa Maraerenga 1-1 Pauikura (Tutuava 51; Iroa 48)
Matavera 3-0 Titikaveka (MacDonald 40, Newnham 65, Gibson 86)
Avatiu 2-2 Takuvaine (Putere 52, Purea 79; Tobia 6, Robertson 11)

[mark wilson27]

Damn I'm doing bad....good job theirs little chance of getting sacked (I hope)

[EvilDave]

You're not having the best of times Mark, I'll give you that. Always one for good advice though...
--

Something was troubling Dave. With two weeks to go his Matavera side had clawed themselves back into contention, but there something wrong.

On the one hand, as the man most recently voted Writer of the Year, he felt an obligation to pull out all the stops. There was a target on his back that the other writers were constantly aiming at, and it felt uncomfortable. The best thing he could do was win the title, prove his credentials after the shock awards success, and put the others in their place.

On the other, it would all seem a little too much like a Russian election if he were win it. Sure, winning with 107% of the vote means you’re pretty well set to govern however you like, but nobody actually believes that’s what people think. Somehow, the idea of a convincing Matavera title win didn’t sit right.

Facing a seemingly impossible situation, he took seemingly the only option open to the FMSers on the island – calling another of the crew.

“Tenthree, are you free?”

“Sure, what’s bothering you?”

“I want to talk about sign-ups.”

“Sign-ups?”

“Yeah – is it OK if you win your own sign-up?”

“Oh boy, I wouldn’t know. I only ever wrote one, and got lost somewhere in the preamble. You’d be best speaking to Mark.”

“OK, thanks mate.”

Dave cursed his stupidity – of course he shouldn’t be asking Tenthree about a completed story. That was almost as daft as asking Terk. That was harsh – at least the current mod didn’t just lose interest. Mark’s number was next on the list.

“Hey Mark, quick one for you – what happens if you win your own sign-up?”

“Heck Dave, not hanging around with the niceties today? To be honest mate, I don’t know. Most of mine have us all on the same team, and it just keeps going really. The actual competitive ones, it’s just easier to let Tenthree win.”

“Ah, I see. Cheers anyway Mark.”

“Hang on a minute, are you suggesting…”

“See ya Mark.”

That was close. A little bit too close for Dave’s liking. And he still didn’t have an answer to his question. Still, Matavera were one of five sides still potentially capable of winning the title, and so he didn’t have to worry too much. Not yet anyway.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Round Thirteen Review: Nerves kick in ahead of final weekend

Five possible champions became four on the penultimate day of the Cook Islands Round Cup, with nerves clearly showing across the six sides in action. If leads had been held the issues of first and last place could already have been settled – however with two of the three games ending in draws, we must wait until a thrilling final weekend to see who will be crowned 2017 Round Cup champion. You’ll be able to follow all the action right here on cookislandfootball.com, where we’ll be updating as every goal goes in.

We begin with the league leaders, Tupapa Maraerenga, for whom a win at Takuvaine would, combined with results from elsewhere, have seen Copper Horse’s side crowned champions with a match to spare. Things got off to a great start for the American boss too, Teira Ioane picking a fine time to open his account for the season, cutting in off the right wing and leaving his man for dead before angling a shot across goal and in off the far post after just 12 minutes. However, Takuvaine have been the surprise of the season, and Neil Hoskins’ men proved yet again that their lofty position is no flash in the plan, piling on the pressure immediately after falling behind. Fifteen minutes after conceding, they were level thanks to Eddie Tobia’s quick reactions, the midfielder reacting quickest to tuck home a rebound off the post and snatch the equaliser. That was how it continued through to the interval, with a pacey ebb and flow keeping fans and managers alike on their toes. For the second 45 minutes, the two sides pushed hard – knowing that a win for either team would give their title chances a huge shot in the arm – but with caution, not wanting to slip up and let their opponents snatch the lead. A cagey affair understandably developed, Hoskins and Horse regularly being reminded to stay in their technical area as they bellowed instructions to their sides. It was the hosts who went closest, the inspired Tobia repeating his trick from the first half but this time finding only the side netting. However, an entertaining draw was a fair result even if an undesirable one, but guarantees that the title race will go down to the wire.

Looking to take advantage of the draw in Takuvaine were Matavera, looking to follow up a 3-0 win with victory at Tenthree Leader’s Puaikura. However, their American boss had different ideas, and after a nervy first half the outsiders fired themselves back into the title picture, Cameron Robertson nutmegging his man before unleashing an unstoppable shot through a crowd of players and beyond the unsighted goalkeeper. Just 12 minutes later Evil Dave’s day went from bad to worst, a promising attack breaking down deep into the Puaikura half and possession being rapidly turned over. With Matavera pushing up, spaces were left where the full-backs should have been, and less than 10 seconds after losing the ball, Dave’s side found themselves two down, Robertson’s shot looking to be heading wide before flicking the heels of Tobia and finding its way into the back of the net. With only 15 minutes to play it was clear that the home side were heading for all three points, and whilst Leader will have been disappointed to see his side concede a late consolation, he will have been delighted with a performance that keeps them in a gripping title hunt until the final day of the season.

One team who will not be contesting the title are defending champions Nikao, who have endured a frustrating season under Joey Baldwin. Hosting second-bottom Avatiu – Chris Fuller’s side the team to wrap up their fixtures a week early – they put in a lethargic first-half display to find themselves a goal down at the break and struggling to find a foothold in the game. Whilst their visitors have become known for their stronger second-half showings this year, on this occasion it was Baldwin’s men who emerged looking brighter after the break, and were rewarded for their improvement when Haupini’s looping header beat both the goalkeeper and defender on the line to level the scores. 23 minutes remained on the clock, but despite the best efforts of the home side to claw their way back into the title race, Avatiu were able to hold firm for a point which leaves bottom side Titikaveka needing a win to overtake them, and salvage at least some positives from a long and frustrating season.

Next weekend sees the 2017 Round Cup draw to a conclusion, and you’ll be able to follow all the action right here on cookislandsfootball.com – we’ll have every goal as it goes in, and short of being at the grounds, this will be the first place to find out which one of Tupapa Maraerenga, Takuvaine, Matavera and Puaikura will lift the coveted title. The former hold a two-points lead over the chasing trio, and with a home game against a Nikao side with nothing to play for will be strong favourites. However, as this season has already shown, anything can happen in Cook Islands football, and it is sure to be a spectacular finale.

Takuvaine 1-1 Tupapa Maraerenga (Tobia 26; Ioane 12)
Puaikura 2-1 Matavera (Robertson 64, Tobia 76; Nooroa 89)
Nikao 1-1 Avatiu (Haupini 67; Purea 32)

                                                                                                                                           
| Pos    | Team              | Pld   | Won   | Drn   | Lst   | For   | Ag    | GD    | Pts   |
| 1st    | Tupapa Maraerenga | 11    | 5     | 5     | 1     | 15    | 8     | 7     | 20    |
| 2nd    | Takuvaine         | 11    | 5     | 3     | 3     | 17    | 10    | 7     | 18    |
| 3rd    | Matavera          | 11    | 5     | 3     | 3     | 16    | 11    | 5     | 18    |
| 4th    | Puaikura          | 11    | 5     | 3     | 3     | 14    | 15    | -1    | 18    |
| 5th    | Nikao             | 11    | 3     | 6     | 2     | 11    | 10    | 1     | 15    |
| 6th    | Avatiu            | 12    | 1     | 5     | 6     | 13    | 19    | -6    | 8     |
| 7th    | Titikaveka        | 11    | 1     | 3     | 7     | 6     | 19    | -13   | 6     | 

 

[EvilDave]

Joey, Chris and Mark sat around a table in the Cook Islands’ only Irish bar, commiserating together at being the only three managers unable to win the title on the final day. What made matters worse was that none of them had managed to meet their pre-season expectations – occupying the bottom three spots when predicted to take 2^nd, 4^th and 5^th respectively.

Joey in particular was taking it badly – his Nikao side had been expected to feature at the top end after winning the league last time round, but had managed just three wins in their 11 games thus far. With neither of the other two able to shed any light on where their own campaigns went wrong, the trio sat quietly, the only audience to a terrible Thin Lizzy cover band butchering Phil Lynott and co’s greatest hits. Eventually, Chris piped up.

“So then, why were we so bad?”

Silence lingered before Mark broke it.

“I don’t know mate,” he slurred while staring into the middle distance. “I still reckon Carrick and Blind have enough pace to do a job in the middle of the park.”

“Not United, you daft Northern twit. Us, here, Cook Islands. Flippin’ Titikaveka and Avatiu and Nikao. Why were we so useless?”

“Well,” suggested Joey, “I don’t think we can blame ourselves really. We were hardly prepared for this.”

“Neither were any of the others, and they seem to be managing fine! Copper’s got his guys on top of the table, the others are right behind, and we’re…”

“Drinking ourselves to death in Paddy O’Ariki’s?” Mark snapped back into the conversation, having previously seemed to have dozed off.

“Exactly. What did we do wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” Mark continued, his eyes brightening as he did so. “We screwed up, it’s all over, we get to go home and soon and make a bit of money in the process. I don’t think we should be moping at all. In fact, I think we should be celebrating. I’ve won eight grand for being an awful football manager, and spent three months in the Cook Islands!”

“I suppose,” said Chris, “when you put it like that…”

“It does sound pretty good,” added Joey, grinning when he realised he was guaranteed a five-figure cheque despite his failures.

“Hell, I reckon we should be having a party. And I reckon these guys” – this was accompanied by a finger jabbed in the direction of the band – “might just be able to help us out.”

What followed was not something easily described. Given an additional shot of Dutch courage – ignoring the fact that all three were well past tipsy already – the FMS trio approached the stage, wrestled the band’s instruments from them, and gave what has officially been recorded as the worst performance of ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ known to man.

Given how bad their respective football clubs had been performing, it was at least a different way to get their names in the local paper.

[CFuller]

I won't even touch alcohol in real life. Then again, managing a team that's not much better than Elgoibar could make any teetotal man turn to drink. 

[EvilDave]

I knew I'd forgotten something! Apologies for besmirching your good name Chris - although I also reckon Avatiu would have done it for you...
--

Tenthree began the day with his usual routine – the mere fact of a title being on the line in a foreign country would not interfere with decades of steadfast consistency from the elder statesman of the FMS forum. His Puaikura side were the outsiders for the title, beginning the day outside the top three, and even a win against Titikaveka would not be enough if Tupapa Maraerenga managed even a single point. For Tenthree, this was a day to enjoy, an experience to remember, a positive outcome to a story which could have gone so very badly for him.

Elsewhere on Rarotonga, others were not so relaxed. Dave was pacing, his thoughts conflicted as to how to respond if his side were to win, and yet plotting out a way to make sure that they did. Similarly, Neil knew that victory against Dave’s men would give his team a fighting chance of lifting the title, but wondered whether beating his fellow Kyrgyz enthusiast would have an impact beyond the Cook Islands Round Cup. The last thing he wanted was bad blood in FMS, but currently the thing he wanted more than anything was to crown a remarkable season with the title for Takuvaine.

Copper, meanwhile, was terrified. So far, despite a shaky start, he had done everything that was expected of him – taken his team to the top of the league, played some good football in the process, and lived up to the lazy American stereotyping of the author. But to win the title, and the £20,000 that came with it – that was a potential life-changer. He knew already that such a sum would allow to purchase a majority stake in his beloved Blyth Spartans – or approximately two thirds of the entire town. He didn’t know how well a significant American investment would go down in the North East of England, but he had his heart set on it nonetheless. One more win would make it all possible.

For all of them, this was the end of it all – a ridiculous series of events sparked by a drunken celebration and culminating in the chance to win a real, actual football tournament as paid managers. Nobody would believe them when they returned home, nobody would bother to look on the Cook Islands FA’s website, and even if they did, only Neil was being referred to by his actual name. This was a moment that would live with them forever – but only them, because to the rest of the world, the tale was simply too tall for them to take in.

Despite it all, they were ready. All four of them were determined to be taking the trophy back on the plane in their luggage – after all they had been through, theft of some silverware did not seem like an unreasonable step to take – and earn bragging rights which would last for at last a week or two on their little corner of the internet. Written down it sounded ridiculous, and indeed it was, but by this time it didn’t matter – they were ready to win, and prove their abilities to themselves, even if no-one else was watching.

For Tenthree, it was the desire to put these pesky youngsters in their place and remind them who the real boss of FMS was. For Neil, a shot at an actual managerial career and the chance to further explore the recesses of the football world. For Dave, a need to back up his written awards with real-life success, and for Copper a burning ambition to take control of a football club thousands of miles from home. Different motivations, different men, and yet just 90 minutes standing between them all and their dreams. The time for reality TV-style sob stories, dramatic pauses and excessive build-up was over – their moment of reckoning had finally arrived.

[EvilDave]

From cookislandsfootball.com

Final Round Live: Who will be crowned Round Cup champions?

Well, here we are. At the end of a season which threatened never to start after a mass managerial walkout, we stand on the brink of one of the most exciting final days in Cook Islands football history. Four of the seven teams, led by their imported managers, are still in contention to lift the title on this historic final day, with Takuvaine, Matavera and Puaikura all breathing down the necks of Tupapa Maraerenga. Before we begin, let’s remind ourselves of what the table currently looks like:

                                                                                                                                           
| Pos    | Team              | Pld   | Won   | Drn   | Lst   | For   | Ag    | GD    | Pts   |
| 1st    | Tupapa Maraerenga | 11    | 5     | 5     | 1     | 15    | 8     | 7     | 20    |
| 2nd    | Takuvaine         | 11    | 5     | 3     | 3     | 17    | 10    | 7     | 18    |
| 3rd    | Matavera          | 11    | 5     | 3     | 3     | 16    | 11    | 5     | 18    |
| 4th    | Puaikura          | 11    | 5     | 3     | 3     | 14    | 15    | -1    | 18    |
| 5th    | Nikao             | 11    | 3     | 6     | 2     | 11    | 10    | 1     | 15    |
| 6th    | Avatiu            | 12    | 1     | 5     | 6     | 13    | 19    | -6    | 8     |
| 7th    | Titikaveka        | 11    | 1     | 3     | 7     | 6     | 19    | -13   | 6     | 

So it’s Copper Horse’s side with a two-point cushion at the top of the table, and they host outgoing champions Nikao at Victoria Park in a match they will surely be favourites to win. However, Joey Baldwin’s men will be keen to end their reign with a bang, and make up for what has been a disappointing season by their high standards.

The big game among the chasing pack will be in Matavera, where Neil Hoskins’ Takuvaine side host Evil Dave’s men as second plays third. A draw here is no good for either side, so expect attacking football and goals aplenty. Curiously, fourth-placed Puaikura could be in the best position of all the challengers – with only bottom club Titikaveka to contend with, they will at least be confident of a win to end the season. If Tenthree Leader’s men can pull it off, it will be a remarkable achievement.

We at cookislandsfootball.com have reporters around the grounds, and you’ll find out about every goal as soon as it goes in. In less than two hours’ time we’ll will have new Round Cup champions – but just which club will be celebrating later this evening? It’s time for kick-off around the grounds, so away we go.

==

5 mins: GOAL! Titikaveka 0-1 Puaikura (Andrew Iroa)

What a start for Tenthree Leader’s men! Andrew Iroa is the top scorer in the 2017 Round Cup, and just five minutes in he’s given his side a crucial early lead away at Titikaveka. Mark Wilson will not be impressed with his side’s defending, but you’ll hear no complaints from Iroa – it’s his sixth goal of the season, and it sends Puaikura joint top of the table. They now trail Tupapa Maraerenga by seven goals, so will need a favour from Nikao if they are to claim the title.

==

20 mins: Still just the one goal to report so far, Andrew Iroa’s strike for Puaikura at Titikaveka. A reminder that if it stays like this around the grounds, that goal will not be enough for Puaikura to take the trophy from Tupapa Maraerenga at the final whistle – but there is plenty of time left for twists in this particular tale.

==

33 mins: CLOSE! The biggest chance of the match so far for Tupapa Maraerenga, and it’s the New Zealander Sam Margetts who curls a shot agonisingly wide of the left-hand upright. Copper Horse holds his head in his hands – it was only half a chance, but a win for the hosts would guarantee the title. Can they see out the job?

==

42 mins: GOAL! Matavera 1-0 Takuvaine (Claude Vavia)

It’s a huge goal in the title race! This one has been every bit as tense as you might expect, but with the deadlock broken we could see plenty of goalmouth action in the second half. It’s a fine time for a first goal of the season, and that’s exactly what we’ve got as Don Hallin heads Alan Newnham’s cross down for Claude Vavia to volley home, and Evil Dave’s side take a huge step forward in the title race. They trail the leaders by just a single goal – one more, and they lead on goals scored!

==

44 mins: GOAL! Tupapa Maraerenga 0-1 Nikao (John-Paul Teatai)

Unbelievable. With news of Matavera’s goal yet to reach Victoria Park, the title favourites have fallen behind! Nikao were not expected to do a great deal today, but just seconds before the interval the outgoing champions have made a real statement, John-Paul Teatai getting to a cross ahead of Taraare and heading into the open net. That goal drops Tupapa Maraerenga from first to third – has their goalkeeper just cost them the title?

==

Half time: It’s half-time in all three matches, and after an engrossing 45 minutes of football there’s certainly plenty for us to talk about. The big talking point is of course that goal at Victoria Park, where Joey Baldwin’s side are threatening to spoil the Tupapa Maraerenga party. Unless Copper Horse’s side can somehow find a way back into the game, they’ll need equalisers from both Takuvaine and Titikaveka if they are to lift the prize – a win for Matavera, Takuvaine or Puaikura coupled with their defeat means they miss out on silverware.

Elsewhere, Takuvaine will be looking for a much-improved second-half display after falling behind at Matavera, Claude Vavia’s strike putting the home side in pole position for the title. One goal for Neil Hoskins’ men changes all of that, but they need two to take the trophy for themselves. Can Clive Nicholas add to his four goals this season?

Finally, Puaikura lead at Titikaveka, knowing that a win for them coupled with an equaliser for Takuvaine would see them become unlikely league winners. They’ll have to battle complacency against the league’s bottom club in the second half, but Tenthree Leader’s men will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of snatching success at this late stage in the campaign.

All six sides are back out on the field and ready to go – the final 45 minutes of a thrilling Round Cup season awaits.

[EvilDave]

50 mins: GOAL! Matavera 2-0 Takuvaine (Alan Newnham)

Is it too early to rule a team out of the title race? There are still 40 minutes to go, but Matavera look to have extinguished Takuvaine’s hopes, Alan Newnham racing on to a diagonal ball over the top and finishing with aplomb to double his side’s advantage. Crucially, Evil Dave’s men now have the goal difference edge on Tupapa Maraerenga – could they hit the top for the first time all season in the final game?

==

57 mins: GOAL! Titikaveka 0-2 Puaikura (Pare Tangata)

We said at the interval that Puaikura would have to guard against complacency if there were to have any hopes of grabbing the title, but there appears little danger of that now. They now need two goals from Takuvaine, but they’re holding up their end of the bargain well, Pare Tangata rounding the goalkeeper to make it 2-0 and surely seal the victory they need. Titikaveka have offered nothing – the last half hour will be a waiting game for Tenthree Leader and his team.

==

68 mins: Was that a penalty? Copper Horse is apoplectic with rage on the Victoria Park sidelines, the American manager convinced his side should have been awarded a spot-kick. That man Margetts was again the one causing trouble for the Nikao defence, but the referee decided that Vase Tereva won the ball cleanly and waved play on. Time is running out the hosts now – having lead the league since the fourth game of the season, could they really be about to let it all slip away?

==

75 mins: No more goals to report meaning that, as things stand, Matavera will win the 2017 Round Cup. Still plenty of time for that to change though, with four teams in the hunt.

==

80 mins: 10 minutes remain in the season. Matavera champions as it stands...

==

82 mins: GOAL! Tupapa Maraerenga 1-1 Nikao (Phillip Cuthers)

Sensational! Tupapa Maraerenga have been knocking at the Nikao door all game in search of a goal, and one desperate throw of the dice has paid off for Copper Horse! 17-year-old Phillips Cuthers has been on the pitch for all of 90 seconds, but in just his second senior appearance has stabbed in the goal that gives his side hope. Less than 10 minutes to go, and Matavera currently lead the table on goals scored – another goal for the hosts here will see them claim the title on goal difference!

==

85 mins: GOAL! Matavera 2-1 Takuvaine (Eugene Arona)

Incredible scenes, and disaster for Matavera! After looking comfortable for most of the match, they’ve conceded the goal which could cost them the title – a well-worked Takuvaine move ending with Eugene Arona slipping a shot past Ngatuaine Ngere to the mortification of the home fans. Takuvaine need a miracle now, but that goal has huge ramifications – Matavera slip behind Tupapa Maraerenga on goal difference with just five minutes to play!

==

88 mins: CLOSE! Was that Matavera’s big chance? Don Hallin squares the ball across goal for Newnham to finish from six yards out, but a superb block from Murare John at full stretch sends the ball behind for a corner. Brilliant defending from the full-back – has he just won the title for Tupapa Maraerenga?

==

90 mins: FOUR minutes of added time at both Victoria Park and Matavera School Ground. Just two in Titikaveka, with the result there a formality at this stage.

==

92 mins: CLOSE! Nikao almost hand the title back to Matavera! With the hosts looking for the winner they are almost caught out on the break, and it’s left to the backpedalling Taraare to tip Ioane Victor’s attempted chip over the bar. Almost the most dramatic of finishes.

==

FT: Titikaveka 0-2 Puaikura

==

FT: It’s all over at Victoria Park, Tupapa Maraerenga 1-1 Nikao. All eyes on Matavera for what must be the final few seconds.

==

95 mins: We’re still playing here, and Matavera have everybody in the Takuvaine box for a free-kick…

==

FT: An almighty scramble ends with the ball in touch, and the referee blows his whistle. Matavera win 2-1, but it isn’t enough – Arona’s goal five minutes from time means Evil Dave’s side miss out by the narrowest of margins, and TUPAPA MARAERENGA ARE ROUND CUP CHAMPIONS!

| Pos | Team              | Pld   | Won   | Drn   | Lst   | For   | Ag    | GD    | Pts   |
| 1st | Tupapa Maraerenga | 12    | 5     | 6     | 1     | 16    | 9     | 7     | 21    |
| 2nd | Matavera          | 12    | 6     | 3     | 3     | 18    | 12    | 6     | 21    |
| 3rd | Puaikura          | 12    | 6     | 3     | 3     | 16    | 15    | 1     | 21    |
| 4th | Takuvaine         | 12    | 5     | 3     | 4     | 18    | 12    | 6     | 18    |
| 5th | Nikao             | 12    | 3     | 7     | 2     | 12    | 11    | 1     | 16    | 
| 6th | Avatiu            | 12    | 1     | 5     | 6     | 13    | 19    | -6    | 8     |
| 7th | Titikaveka        | 12    | 1     | 3     | 8     | 6     | 21    | -15   | 6     |

==

Wow. What an afternoon of football we have just witnessed. At the start of the day, Tupapa Maraerenga sat at the top of the pile, and that’s exactly where they finished up, but that doesn’t tell even half the story. There’s no doubt that nerves got to Copper Horse’s side, but he won’t care one jot – an inspired substitution brought a late equaliser from teenage Phillip Cuthers, and then a consolation goal five minutes from time for Takuvaine against Matavera handed them the title on goal difference, a single goal deciding the title after three months of fixtures.

There will be few who can dispute that the champions deserve their celebrations – after a slow start, Horse’s men hit the top of league after just matches, and have been there ever since. However, a huge amount of credit has to go to runners-up Matavera, third-place Puaikura, and to Takuvaine, who end up in fourth place despite a memorable season against the odds. They pushed the champions hard, much harder than many expected, and had it not been for an eventful 10 minutes at the end of the season, we could have been crowning different champions.

But today is all about Tupapa Maraerenga – their defensive record in conceding just nine goals in 12 matches, their ability to grind out results despite not always playing their best, the goalscoring exploits of hotshot Sam Margetts and defender Mark Vulcher, and their American manager Copper Horse, who seemed able to get the best out of his side when it mattered most.

This season has been a special one – not least because of the seven guest managers, who have confirmed their intention to leave the Cook Islands following this final round of games. Next year will hopefully see a resolution to the staffing crisis across the Islands, but 2017 will go down in Round Cup history as one of the most extraordinary seasons ever to have been played. That’s all from us – we’ll see you again in 2018 for the next edition of the Cook Islands’ premier football tournament.

[EvilDave]

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin our descent into Singapore Changi Airport, and will touch down in around 25 minutes. For your safety and comfort please make sure that your seat belts are fastened, seat backs and tray tables are in the upright position, and your window blinds are open. We kindly ask that you switch off all electronic devices until you reach the terminal building, and ensure any baggage is stowed in the overhead lockers or underneath the seat in front of you.”

The cabin crew’s announcement marked the end of the first leg of the FMS crew’s lengthy journeys home, and the only flight they would all be travelling on together. For champion Copper and compatriot Tenthree, the next flight would be over the Pacific to the States. For Neil and Dave, they would need to head to Dubai and then double back on themselves to reach Bishkek. The remaining three had booked on to the next direct flight to Heathrow, where they would go their separate ways.

“I reckon we’ve got a couple of minutes before they come down and check we’re in position,” said Tenthree. “Do you reckon we’ve got time for a quick photo with the trophy?”

The other six, sat in the seats around their esteemed leader, were a little surprised at his sudden sentimentality, but were nevertheless happy to comply with his request. Copper unzipped his carry-on bag, which contained nothing other than the solid silver trophy awarded to the Round Cup champions, and positioned himself front and centre of the group shot that was hastily convened. A fellow passenger, oblivious to their remarkable story, obliged Tenthree by snapping away until the group were briskly asked to sit down by a member of the crew.

“I guess this is it then guys,” said Neil, another one to become suddenly overcome by emotion as the magnitude of the past three months hit home. “I’ll miss all this, in a weird kind of way.”

“Yeah,” added Joey, “I never really knew you guys before. I mean I still don’t really, but it feels like we achieved something.”

“Well, some of us did,” joked Dave. “Some of you were a bit useless!”

“Alright, alright, no need to rub it in,” said Chris jumping to the defence of his fellow underachiever. We’ve all got something to be proud of I reckon.”

“And don’t y’all know it,” drawled Copper, hugging the trophy one more time and continuing in the most stereotypical accent possible.

“You know what guys,” said Mark, the last to contribute to the conversation, “I reckon FMS could do with a bit more of this. Get a bit of community spirit going, get to know one another a bit more. In fact, I reckon the award winners should take over a football league every year!

“Only problem is, that sort of thing ends up costing a lot of money after a while. I reckon we can sort that out though, don’t you?”

He smirked as he directed his final question at Tenthree, who until now had been looking at the fresh photograph on his camera.

“You’re asking me if I want to bring you guys out here again next year?”

“Well, whoever wins the awards, But yeah, what do you reckon?”

Tenthree paused for a moment, taking in the hopeful eyes of the six men waiting for his response. Snorting in derision, he passed his verdict authoritatively.

“Guys, it’s been a blast. But you have got to be kidding.”

The End
--
Well folks, that wraps up this particular tale. Apologies for rushing out the final few posts, thanks for following along, well done @copperhorse21 on your win, and have a very Merry Christmas one and all!

 

[neilhoskins77]

Congrats on another entertaining and well written story ED

[mark wilson27]

Brilliant is all I can say Dave and congrats to copperhorse on your win.

[CFuller]

Fantastic.

I didn't finish last. 

Oh yeah, and the story as a whole wasn't bad either, to put it very lightly. Great stuff once again, ED.

[SmileFaceGamer]

On 10/11/2017 at 12:50, mark wilson27 said:

You mean their are other clubs than Manchester United or Matlock Town 

Hey Vinno plays for Matlock, he’s through our academy

[SmileFaceGamer]

On 24/11/2017 at 08:19, EvilDave said:

 Somewhere in his subconscious mind, something truly terrible had happened. From the joy of winning a football match, his brain had taken the worst of his knowledge and transformed him into the stuff of nightmares.

In that pivotal moment, Mark Wilson believed he was Louis van Gaal.

Or at least a Mancunian version, without the ridiculous metaphors.

I dunno about LVG, sounds more like Adam Murray to me