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oriole01

Hans Kaiser- Baldness Über Alles!

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Borussia Dortmund- The Aim

So after some very difficult struggles recently in Argentina and Serie B in Italy, I've decided to try something a bit different- a big club. Among the big clubs in the European ascendancy, Borussia Dortmund is one of the few I can think of that I can truly admire. A legendary fanbase, two epic rivalries, a state-of-the-art youth academy, and some truly exciting stars make for a formidable club consistently near the top of the Bundesliga. However, Dortmund's one of those clubs that is always just a few steps short of reaching the highest level, and my job as the new manager is to take them there, breaking Bayern Munich's monopoly on the Bundesliga domestically and with the right pieces in place, lift the ultimate prize- the UEFA Champions League title. I'd say we're already close. World class players such as Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Marco Reus are going to be integral to this effort, so one of my main goals is going to be keeping this deadly pair here in the Ruhr as long as possible. We can't forget mouth-watering prospects such as Julian Weigl, Christian Pulisic, Ousmane Dembele, Emre Mor, Jacob Bruun Larsen and Alexander Isak who will also be very important to the save later down the road. So without further ado, here are my initial goals for this challenge:

- Win the Bundesliga, hopefully consistently as to break Bayern Munich's hold on the league
-Win the UEFA Champions League in 3-5 seasons
- Collect as many smaller trophies as possible (Euro Super Cup, German Super Cup, CWC, DFB-Pokal)
-Focus on youth development, turn our best youth prospects into world-class players
-Hold onto our star players as long as possible

-Beat the living **** out of Schalke. Every. Single. Time.
Game Setup
All major European Leagues, plus Netherlands, Belgium as playable and Turkey, Switzerland, Brazil, Poland, and Denmark as view-only. Medium database with all international players

Come on, let's go! Los!
 

EDIT: This isn't necessarily a one-club save. If I ever reach a point where I feel I've achieved all that I possibly can with Dortmund, I'll probably move on. No idea where, though...

Edited by oriole01

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Borussia Dortmund- The Squad and Tactics

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Dortmund has a very talented and deep squad, featuring a perfect mix of youth, rising stars, players in their prime, and experienced veterans. Here's who you're going to want to watch out for this season:
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang  Marco Reus Julian Weigl Ousmane Dembele Raphael Guerreiro Christian Pulisic

I'm most excited by this group of players for the next few seasons, but I'm looking at a well-rounded squad that can certainly be highly competitive on both the domestic and continental fronts from the get go. Unfortunately, key players Reus and Gotze are injured, as well as Erik Durm and Sven Bender.  The only areas I think that need improvement are center back and central attacking midfielder, although neither of them are immediate concerns. In fact, I think retraining Pulisic as an AMC will help solve the problem there, which I've already begun doing. We have some pretty excellent personalities at Dortmund, which are without doubt going to be useful in tutoring the next generation. The future indeed looks very, very bright.

Staff
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We've got a pretty excellent coaching staff here, unsurprisingly. I only needed to bring in former Man City coach Salsano to complete the team.

Tactics
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I'm going with two fairly simple systems to start with, one a straight-up attacking tactic and the other a counter strategy with Weigl the linchpin. After all, we are expected to play attacking football by the board! The first tactic has been very successful in preseason, albeit against weak opposition. The quick passing play is a joy to watch, and we have some really potent finishing ability in the squad to make it worthwhile. I haven't tested the latter tactic, but I'll be using it against Bayern in the DFL-Supercup, so I've got to hope it works.

I haven't had a very good record with tactics, but I'm lucky enough to have a squad that can fit into just about any tactical system well. Its rich depth and flexibility make Dortmund a gem of modern football, reminiscent of football's distant past. If things aren't working out, I'm confident in our ability to adapt to strategical any changes.

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Borussia Dortmund- The Club
I'd imagine most of you are somewhat familiar with the history and culture surrounding Dortmund, but here's a refresher.

From Wikipedia:

Ballspielverein Borussia 09 e.V. Dortmund, commonly known as Borussia Dortmund BVB, or simply Dortmund, is a German sports club based in Dortmund, North Rhine-Westphalia (Borussia is the Latin equivalent of Prussia). The football team is part of a large membership-based sports club with more than 145,000 members, making BVB the second largest sports club by membership in Germany. Dortmund plays in the Bundesliga, the top tier of the German football league system. Dortmund is one of the most successful clubs in German football history.

Borussia Dortmund was founded in 1909 by eighteen football players from Dortmund. Borussia Dortmund have won eight German championships, four DFB-Pokals, five DFL-Supercups, one UEFA Champions League, one UEFA Cup Winners' Cup, and one Intercontinental Cup. Their Cup Winners' Cup win in 1966 made them the first German club to win a European title.

Since 1974, Dortmund have played their home games at Westfalenstadion, named after its home region of Westphalia. The stadium is the largest in Germany and Dortmund has the highest average attendance of any association football club in the world. Borussia Dortmund's colours are black and yellow, giving the club its nickname die Schwarzgelben. Dortmund holds a long-standing rivalry with Ruhr neighbours Schalke 04, known as the Revierderby. In terms of Deloitte's annual Football Money League, Dortmund is the second biggest sports club in Germany and the 11th biggest football team in the world.

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The Westfalenstadion, or Signal Iduna Park, is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful stadiums in the world. On matchdays, especially derby days, the atmosphere in both the seats and safe standing areas is absolutely bonkers. See for yourself:

 

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Dortmund have indeed won a Champions League before, but it's approaching 20 years since that triumph in '97. They of course lost in the 2013 Final to Bayern Munich, something Dortmund fans would rather not talk about even today. 8 Bundesliga wins is impressive, but again nowhere near Bayern who have won it 26 times. If you don't count the pre-1963 titles (when the current league was first contested), we only have 5 titles, tied with Monchengladbach. Under the same criteria, Bayern would only lose one title.

Facilities and Finances

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We're rich :D. And we've got some pretty kickass facilities as well:
Image result for dortmund facilities  Image result for dortmund facilities

I'd love to bump up that junior coaching though, that's a necessity for our youth development project. Transfer budget is a bit low as well considering the overall balance.

In other words, Dortmund's an awesome club with awesome history, awesome fans, an awesome stadium and awe-inspiring money in the bank, so I can't wait to get started. Los!

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Borussia Dortmund- The Manager
From BVB.de:
Meet Hans Kaiser... the Next Jurgen Klopp?
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Borussia Dortmund 09 are delighted to unveil our new manager, Hans Kaiser! This is Hans' first job in football management, but we fully expect him to be able to carry on the success of Borussia Dortmund for the foreseeable future. Endowed with a shimmering squad, top class facilities, and an experienced backroom staff, Hans should have no trouble fitting in to life in the Ruhr.

Kaiser has had experience at Bundesliga level on the pitch, as from 1996 to 2005 he was a towering right back at SC Freiburg, making over 300 appearances and scoring 9 goals. In 2005 he moved to newly-promoted Eintracht Frankfurt after Freiburg were relegated and stayed until 2012, making 168 appearances and scoring three times. For his final two seasons as a player, Kaiser moved to Trabzonspor in Turkey, making 46 appearances and scoring one more goal in his final game before he hung up his boots in 2014.

Despite his history elsewhere, Hans has been a lifelong Dortmund fan, and he has publicly stated that his dream move would be to Signal Iduna Park. Therefore, he is a manager who will truly share our ambitions, feel the passion we feel in each match, and become part of the family with pride. Hans is an outspoken supporter of former BvB manager Jurgen Klopp, now at Liverpool. Indeed, he is very fortunate to be able to begin his managerial career at the very place where Klopp made a name for himself, famously reaching the UEFA Champions League final in 2013. It is the most sincere hope of our new manager that he achieves what Jurgen could not, lift that trophy! With the squad he has inherited, this prospect is far from unreasonable.

Born in Endingen, a small town near the French border, Kaiser feels a strong attachment to the Black Forest and Freiburg, but was raised as a Dortmund fan, taught to hate Schalke from an early age. Growing up in the 90's, when the Dortmund-Bayern rivalry really took shape, he also has a furious hate for FC Hollywood, and is hungry to face off against Carlo Ancelotti's team in the DFL-Supercup.

Hans has a passion for Phillip K. Dick novels, coffee, Football Manager, the music of Tame Impala, sausage, and outdoors expeditions. He lives in Dortmund with his wife Sophie and young sons Oliver and Sven, who hope to be professional footballers someday. He also owns a private residence in his hometown in Endingen.

Hans and the team will be making their competitive debut on 14 August at home against Bayern Munich in the DFL-Supercup. Tickets are still on sale! Get excited, BvB fans, we've got big things in store! Los!

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Hans Kaiser, Case ID Number 22242342535255255322543941394984891389- Z

In June 1998, Hans Gerhard Kaiser was on a jungle expedition in Parc National des Virunga on the DR Congo/Uganda border with three other individuals, identified as friend Phillip Braun, teammate Ladislav Masuc, and Masucs' girlfriend Maria Silhavy. According to Kaiser's personal accounts to Interpol agents, he was approached, or more precisely, ambushed, by several men in full camouflage, smashed over the head with a blunt object, and was rendered unconscious. Braun, Masuc, and Silhavy were able to escape, but Kaiser was held by a militia known as PLFFEC (People's Liberation Front for Eastern Congo) for four months, causing him to miss the majority of the 1998-99 Bundesliga season with his club SC Freiburg. His capture saw widespread media coverage in Freiburg and the entirety of Germany. Search parties were unable to find Kaiser or the militia's hiding place, and the Congolese army seemed unwilling to expend resources for the sake of one man who had not been seen for months. Kaiser says he was able to escape the captivity of PLFFEC during the confusion of an attack by another militia, as he was able to grab the keys to his cage from a dead soldier. Kaiser was mostly unwilling to describe the details of his captivity to Interpol agents, only mentioning the things he saw as "unsavory", the food he ate as "very unsavory", and that he "made friends with a lion" in the cage next to him. The motive for his capture is still unknown, but Kaiser speculates that they had initially tried to hold him for ransom money, but once one of the men recognized him as a professional football player, they decided against drawing attention to themselves with a ransom demand. Instead, they held him as an animal, more or less. Kaiser reports being forced to "play fetch" with grenades and being "walked on a leash" at gunpoint. PLFFEC were eventually eradicated in 2002 by the Congolese Army.

After several years of intensive counseling, Mr. Kaiser has returned to a normal life, but Interpol warns the general public that any mention of the word "FIDO" may trigger an intense and uncontrollably violent reaction from Kaiser.


Hans Kaiser's Motto: Baldness Über Alles

When he was a football player, Kaiser was known for his glorious mane. The sheer power of his hair was enough to earn him the nickname Der Schwarzwälder Hengst, or "The Black Forest Stallion". He even used to play some tennis back in the day:
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However, around 2010, while at Frankfurt, it all fell out without warning, leaving him with a chrome dome and only his beard left to compensate. It gave the Stallion a new outlook on life, one that he took as well as possible for a man that had lost all his hair. He adopted the slogan "Baldness Über Alles" that year, and sure enough, Frankfurt fans took it by heart, creating huge banners emblazoned with it. Kaiser refers to himself as "a mixture of Jurgen Klopp and Pep Guardiola, both in the management and personal grooming departments". It's obviously yet to be seen whether Hans can establish himself as a legend at the Westfalenstadion, but chances are, if he becomes one, a lot of people are going to be shaving their heads in the Ruhr.

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Los!

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9 hours ago, mjaferrie said:

Good luck mate!

8 hours ago, davehibb said:

Looking forward to this, good luck!  :thup:

6 hours ago, Jupjamie said:

Good luck! :D 

5 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Good luck!

4 hours ago, kidthekid said:

Excited for this one.

4 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

Good luck!

3 hours ago, Keano16 said:

I'll be following! 

Thanks for the support everyone! :)

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Borussia Dortmund- 2016-17 Pre-Season
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Predicted for 2nd, not surprising, that. Reus and Auba as our key players is pretty much expected as well. I can't see us overtaking Bayern this season, but we'll give them one hell of a fight!

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Great results against some pretty substandard opposition. Auba, Bruun Larsen, and Guerreiro were the most impressive players during the pre-season, and for Larsen it's earned him a place in the first team until Marco Reus returns from injury.

Transfers
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I should have mentioned Passlack in the squad overview, he's another excellent full back prospect who I've sent to Stuttgart of the 2. Bundesliga for the next two seasons, in hopes that he'll come back ready to start at the highest level.

Supercup is up next. Los!

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Der Klassiker: Chapter Eins
DFL- Supercup The Pre-Game

The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Fade in:
Hans Kaiser is rallying the troops before the first match of the season, against none other than archenemy Bayern Munich.
"Lads, it's Bayern. You all know what they're about. You've seen them so many times it's like you're an old married couple already. You've beat them before, and you can sure as hell beat them again. I need you to give everything you've got today, put your body on the line for the shirt. We've been lucky enough to be drawn at home, in front of these amazing fans, in this amazing stadium. Prove to them you can do this, and let's win a trophy! Don't forget, we're doing this out of revenge too. The Pokal three years ago, the Pokal last year, we've got to show them we mean business this time around. Let's show these Versace-wearing ****ers what real pain feels like! Am I right boys?"
JULIAN WEIGL- "YES SIR!"
WHOLE SQUAD- "Baldness Über Alles! Baldness Über Alles!"

The Tunnel
Kickoff is nearly here. All the players are out on the pitch, and fellow managers Hans Kaiser and Carlo Ancelotti are able to have a few moments alone before they go to battle:
Kaiser- "Welcome to the Ruhr, Carlo"
Ancelotti- "Oh, **** off, you bald ****. Let me tell you, baldness is nothing to be proud about. What kind of man loses all of his hair at 30? Have a look at this *points to his well-groomed, full head of hair*"
And already, Carlo had gone there. Normally he'd have respect for a manager of Ancelotti's stature regardless of banter, but no one, and he meant no one, insulted his baldness.
"You think you're winning anyone over with that, you old bastard? When the entirety of this country starts shaving their head, I'll be laughing like ****ing crazy!"
"Ha ha ha. You amuse me, Kaiser. Wait until we kick your ass today, then we'
ll see who's laughing."
"Listen mate, this match, in fact this whole season is going to be rough for you. It's going to be tighter than your daughter's-" 
Kaiser doesn't get to finish his sentence. At that moment, the PA announcer blares out, "And now, Dortmund fans, here's your new manager,  HAAAAAAANSSS KAAAAIIISSSERRR!!!!"
Kaiser abandons the conversation and bursts out onto the pitch, greeted by thousands of cheering Dortmund faithful. He waives, bows, gives the thumbs up, the whole spiel. Ancelotti emerges from the tunnel to a chorus of boos, and the players take their positions on the pitch. Before the whistle is blown, the two managers shake hands, but only for the sake of the cameras, to provide an illusion of respect. Both men maintain a firm, in fact very firm, grip. They stare into each other's eyes so they can each see the fire burning behind them. In just those few moments, the 'next big thing' and the 'old reliable' reached common ground. This was war.

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Der Klassiker: Chapter Eins
DFL-Supercup The Post-Game

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Sigh. We were so damn close, too. Despite Bayern taking the lead in the first minute, we were able to recover later in the first half, with Auba and Dembele getting a quickfire double. Auba's was a simple header that Neuer came way too far off his line to try and save, whilst Dembele stroked a beautiful chipped ball into the top left. I had a feeling Bayern wouldn't be denied, however, and I was right. Ribery scored again on 79 due to some poor defending, and when it came to the shootout we were just too unlucky. Only Auba scored, and the rest were all saved in superhuman fashion by Neuer. Burki did pretty well himself, keeping out Lewandowski and Alaba. All told, an encouraging start to the season, just ran out of luck at the end.

After Ousmane Dembele's decisive miss, Kaiser turned to Ancelotti, giving him the darkest, most menacing staredown possible, whispered "This isn't over" with an ominous tinge, and trudged off to the locker room.

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Well penalties are a lottery. Carlo can **** off if he thinks he's proven anything. You held your own against Bayern which bodes quite well for the upcoming season.

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Posted (edited)

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Borussia Dortmund- UEFA Champions League Group Stage Draw

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We've been draw with a world-class Juventus side who we defeated in the 1997 final, a potentially dangerous dark horse in Shakhtar, and the underdogs of Legia. Dortmund played Legia in the group stage in real life this year, and let's just say the results were eye-popping. *cough* 6-0 and 8-4 *cough* We should still comfortably get through despite the threat of the Ukrainians. From there, who knows what's next.

Bayern have been drawn in a pretty favorable group. Also, Group G is the weakest Champions League group I've ever seen, my oh my.

Los!

Edited by oriole01

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Standing toe to toe with Bayern at the start of *any* save is an impressive feat, well done there, very well done!

Fairly harsh group, Juventus are as good as any team and Shakhtar are one of those teams that can catch anyone off guard without due diligence, Fred and Bernard could play for any team in Europe, at the very least.

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6 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Well penalties are a lottery. Carlo can **** off if he thinks he's proven anything. You held your own against Bayern which bodes quite well for the upcoming season.

3 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

Standing toe to toe with Bayern at the start of *any* save is an impressive feat, well done there, very well done!

Fairly harsh group, Juventus are as good as any team and Shakhtar are one of those teams that can catch anyone off guard without due diligence, Fred and Bernard could play for any team in Europe, at the very least.

Thanks guys. I agree that our performance against Bayern was quite impressive for a side with such a young core. Shakhtar did have quite a bit of trouble with Sparta Prague in the playoffs, so maybe they're not quite at their best this year. Hopefully we don't underestimate them on the pitch, though.

 

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4 minutes ago, oriole01 said:

Thanks guys. I agree that our performance against Bayern was quite impressive for a side with such a young core. Shakhtar did have quite a bit of trouble with Sparta Prague in the playoffs, so maybe they're not quite at their best this year. Hopefully we don't underestimate them on the pitch, though.

 

I think they're a team that shouldn't be worried about in Germany(but obviously pay them the respect you'd give any Bundesilga or reasonable top division side), but should be treated as a big side when you play them in the Ukraine.

Also, as I mentioned them, worth keeping an eye on Bernard and Fred as potential targets(if they have the style to suit you), Kovalenko too.

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Borussia Dortmund
August 2016

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We concluded the month with the beginning of our Bundesliga season. Before that, though, we went on the road to dish out a heavy defeat to Hauenstein in the first round of the Pokal, with Auba netting an impressive hat trick. We've been drawn against Stuttgart in the second round, which will take place in October.

The scoreline against RB Leipzig is quite flattering. We ran rings around the newly-promoted side, outpossessing them 58-42 and outshooting them 20-5. However, Auba had serious issues in front of the net on the night, missing some really good solo chances to score. In the end, the only separator was a top-class Guerreiro free kick that was rifled into the top left. I'm really liking the looks of the guy, that's for sure. Leipzig had some credible chances towards the end to equalize against the run of play, but we were able to hold them off for three points. Even though we should have scored more, it's great to get a victory on the first day, and against the most hated team in Germany no less.

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Borussia Dortmund

September 12, 2016. The night before the season's second "Der Klassiker" derby.
The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Fade in:
Training has just finished for the day at Signal Iduna Park as Borussia Dortmund's squad pack up to head home before they face rivals Bayern Munich the next afternoon. Hans Kaiser strides in, wearing a goofy grin like he definitely has something avant garde on his mind. Of course he does. He's Hans ****ing Kaiser. The next Jurgen Klopp, no matter what that fake-tanned fanboy at Huddersfield claimed to be.
"Lads, we're going to have to make one small detour before I let you off the hook tonight."
Most of the squad look annoyed, some audibly groan, others are genuinely intrigued.
"Now, some of you aren't going to like this, but trust me, it's absolutely for a good cause."

MARC BARTRA: "Where we going, boss?"
"You'll find out. Come on lads, to the bus!"
Most of the squad just look puzzled at this point, but they put down their bags and head to the team bus, which has been arranged for the purpose of this small detour.
Once everyone has boarded, Kaiser says to the driver in a low voice, "Alright mate, we're going to Luigi's. I hear Jurgen liked that place a lot, and the team there know their stuff. I know we could have just used the clippers, but you know... it's class. And I can't wait to see this."
The driver punches in the address to his GPS, and the bus rolls off into the sunset.


 

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Der Klassiker: Chapter Zwei
Bundesliga Week ThreeThe Pre-Game

The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Hans Kaiser enters the locker room minutes before kickoff. He had been in this same situation approximately 5 weeks ago, before the Super Cup. We all know how that ended. Now was the time for change. His eyes pan across the room of men before him, their heads newly shaved. Inevitably, most of them were in vehement opposition of the idea as soon as the bus arrived at Luigi's, but there was a method behind the madness. It wasn't just for giggles. Kaiser had worked out a plan with the chairman to donate a large sum of money to the local cancer treatment clinic, and the derby day at the stadium was dedicated to fighting cancer, highlighted by the shaved heads of the players. That, and he thinks baldness is pretty damn cool. Time to rally the troops again.
"Alright lads, no fancy introduction this time. We're going to beat them today. We played very well last time, and I know we can do that again. We've got the privilege of these home fans again, on a special night like this, so let's do this. How about we show these jaywalking ************* what pride is all about, yeah?"
SOKRATIS: "HELL YEAH!"
"Los!"
WHOLE SQUAD: "Baldness Über Alles! Baldness Über Alles!"

The Tunnel
Hans Kaiser and Carlo Ancelotti meet deep in the tunnel, where the bright lights of the stadium can barely reach. The two men can only see a vague glint of each other, but their presences are overwhelming and they can feel the tension in the air.
ANCELOTTI: "Come on Kaiser, what the hell are you getting at here? You trying to prove you're a better man than me? Sure, it's a nice gesture, but what happens on this pitch is the only thing that matters. Your charity won't get you anywhere if you can't match on the pitch. You're going down again, and no one will be amused. Remember, *points to his coiffed hair again* I'm in the driver's seat."
Kaiser decided to cut to the chase.
"The prophecy's coming true, Carlo. You can't stop it. You can see it on the pitch tonight. You and your Neuer might have gotten by last time, but the baldness is inevitable. Soon you'll be the only stubborn bastard left with hair on his head, it's a revolution mate. The shark told me, change is a given. See you on the pitch."
The two commanders emerge from the darkness and into the technical area, ready to go to war again. Whether the result was a close shave or a full-on shearing, there was a lot more than Germany's hairstyle preferences on the line tonight. Game on.

 

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If Ancelotti's Anthropomorphic Eyebrow doesn't feature soon, I'm going to be upset.

giphy.gif 

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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

If Ancelotti's Anthropomorphic Eyebrow doesn't feature soon, I'm going to be upset.

giphy.gif 

I'm always open to suggestions ;). Maybe something like that can play a role... stay tuned for Chapter Drei.

Edited by oriole01

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Der Klassiker: Chapter Zwei
Bundesliga Week Three- The Post-Game

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Now that is more like it! A ravishing performance against FC Hollywood led to a signature 3-1 win at the Signal Iduna. The game was highlighted by a defensive shutdown of Bayern, as their only highlight all game was their goal. After an uneventful first half, the heat was turned up in the second half, with Kagawa scoring our first goal on 47 after being set up with a beautiful backheel assist from Auba. Vidal's goal shouldn't have happened, as Burki was caught out of position and three of our defenders tried to mark the same guy, allowing for an easy finish. Substitute Matthias Ginter would fire us back into the lead with a scorching volley that Neuer couldn't quite keep out. After that, Auba would finish off the victory with a lovely individual goal. Wonderful scenes on Cancer Awareness Night, and the win was enough to leapfrog Bayern in the table!

Bayern Munich manager Carlo Ancelotti was visibly incensed by the performance of his club and the result, as seen by his incessant kicking of water bottles, profane shouts at his players, and- at least as it appeared on camera- ripping out parts of his own hair. As Dortmund manager Hans Kaiser said after the match, "That's one way to do it." 
Surprisingly to most, but unsurprisingly to Kaiser, quite a few men in the Ruhr made visits to their barber the next Monday...

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Borussia Dortmund
September 2016

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Quite a busy month in the Ruhr, but it was quite encouraging domestically. Outside of that? Not as much.
We gained a creditable away draw against Gladbach, playing them to a deadlock until the 72nd minute, when Marc Bartra conceded a penalty. Lars Stindl scored it, so we would go attacking and grab the equalizer through Andre Schurrle five minutes later. A good point against a good team.

We had the same result against Legia that we did Gladbach, but this time I expected a lot more in our first Champions League match. Things started well when Aubameyang nabbed a goal on 18, but the Poles would equalize through Vadis Odjidja minutes later. Auba scored again in the second half, and things were looking up for three points, but the hosts would steal a very late equalizer through Michal Kucharczyk's powerful header. I believe my sizable squad rotation cost me some points here, but I needed to keep everyone happy at the same time. Tough balance.

Hamburg was quite the crazy game, with seven goals scored between us. Auba scored early, but young American Bobby Wood cancelled it out five minutes later. Auba and Sebastian Rode combined in the 26th and 27th minute to fire us up to a 3-1 lead, but another first half goal from Nicolai Muller kept it close. Ousmane Dembele scored shortly after the break, and that would end up being the winning goal, despite Hamburg making a game of it again late on with a Filip Kostic goal. I was quite disappointed with the defense, but couldn't say the same on the other side of the pitch.

Augsburg was a straightforward performance that claimed us another three points away from home, but I surely would have liked to score more. Shinji Kagawa got the game's only goal on 36, steering in a shot from open space.

In our second Champions League match, we were shut down by Juventus. Not that I didn't really expect it, either. It was a rather boring match, and despite it being even on the stat sheet we had virtually no opportunities to score and could not break down the strong Juve defense. Juventus took their only big chance towards the end of the first half, with world-class center back Leonardo Bonucci putting in a loopy header that dinked over Roman Weidenfeller and nestled in the back of the net. Our struggles against the group favorites ensured that we took a less-than-optimal opening to our CL campaign. 

Tables
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 In the league, we're flying high; right on pace with other hot-starters Leverkusen and just in front of Bayern who we defeated this month. However, we're bottom of the CL group on goals scored after two games. We have a potentially tricky matchup against Shakhtar next, and if we don't gain all three points we could be in danger of losing out on advancing from the group. Here's hoping we recover our form on the continental side of things. In the Bundesliga, we have a fairly easy run of games in October, as well as our next Pokal tie against Stuttgart.

Los!
 

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Borussia Dortmund
October 2016

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October was probably one of the craziest, up-and-down months I've had on a save, as we continue to be strong in the league but shaky elsewhere.
Despite our domination of Köln, we had difficulty finding the back of the net to justify our performance. However, despite spurning numerous chances earlier in the match, Aubameyang was able to score on 79, latching onto a skillful through ball from Sebastian Rode and guiding the ball into the net. That would be enough to see off Köln, who had little to offer in the final third. 

Ingolstadt was a true shocker, as I'm still wondering how we were beaten so comfortably by the Bavarians. Matthew Leckie started the scoring early with a rebounded goal, but Auba would equalize seven minutes later with a perfectly-placed shot. Darwin Lezcano would put them ahead via some help from Roman Burki's shoddy goalkeeping, as it was credited as an own goal. Pascal Groß wouldround off the scoring before half time with a beautiful free kick, and there was nothing further we could do to fight them in the second period.

We were hoping to rebound from the previous loss against Shakhtar in the Champions League, but we were instead lucky to gain any points in the end. Taison scored for the visitors in the 7th minute, albeit through a brilliant strike. Mario Gotze would get us back on terms with a low drive on 38, but in the second half we conceded a poor penalty that was dispatched by Darijo Srna to put them ahead again. It looked like we were headed for a second consecutive disappointing defeat, but Andre Schurrle ripped home a magnificent effort with a minute remaining, giving us a point and consolidating a decent position in the group at the halfway mark.

After they had a man sent off inside of three minutes, struggling Mainz were no match for us. Although it took a respectable amount of time to get off the ground in the scoring department, we wouldn't be held back afterwards. Auba scored on 26 off a devastating counter, megging the keeper as he powered through the Mainz defense. Schurrle would score the second on an easy tap in, and Auba would cap it from the spot for a solid 3-0 win.

The most painful and disappointing result of the month had to be against recently relegated side Stuttgart in the Pokal, as our elimination means I've fallen well short of the board's expectations. We simply could not find a way to beat them, and they were the better team for all 120 minutes. However, it's always gutting to lose a game in the very last of those minutes. Just seconds before we were set to go to penalties, a high through ball unlocked our defense and allowed Daniel Ginczek to run at goal, beating Roman Weidenfeller with the penultimate kick of the game. Squad rotation certainly cost me here, but I was still expecting a win regardless.

Looking to bounce back from the loss, we couldn't stop ourselves from getting involved in our second seven-goal stormer of the season against Freiburg. The first half was explosive. Aubameyang fired in a quick double either side of Janik Haberer's lucky goal, but we took a big blow when Sokratis got himself sent off in just the 16th minute. Haberer scored again to bring it to 2-2, but Auba claimed his hat trick with a cool finish on the run. Our transfer target Max Philipp got a third for the Black Forest club, leading the game into the half at 3-3. The second half was a lot quieter, but we somehow got a fourth goal (and winner) through Christian Gunter, the Freiburg defender's slide tackle on Ousmane Dembele going past the confused keeper and sealing a truly wild victory.

Tables
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We're involved in two very tight races at the moment, one for the top of the Bundesliga and the other for second place in our CL group. Us and Bayern are just a point behind smoking hot Leverkusen at the end of October, with a considerable gap between us and fourth-placed Leipzig. Also overachieving so far are Hoffenheim, Hertha, and Ingolstadt, who seem to have hit peak form after beating us. Rivals Schalke have played some very boring football, and as a result sit in a very boring mid-table position alongside Wolfsburg and Gladbach. Hamburg are (no surprises here) in the relegation playoff position, whilst the last two teams we beat are sitting in the bottom two.
Juventus have been very strong so far, conceding just one goal in three games while we sit level on points with both Shakhtar and Legia. We have just one more home game left, so we need to make sure we focus on getting results away to secure a berth in the Round of 16.

Hans Kaiser's Note:
Everyone's hair has grown back strong as ever after the Bayern game, but with my first Ruhr Derby next month, I want to up the stakes. I shouldn't share exactly what I've got up my sleeve yet, but the baldness will be breathtaking. Unmatched. Schalke won't have a clue what's coming when we show up in Gelsenkirchen. I can't wait.

Los!

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Borussia Dortmund
November 2016
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A good month all in all, marked by our first win of the Champions League campaign.

I think I have good reason to call Shakhtar Donetsk "The Ultimate Ball-Buster". We were gifted a penalty inside of a minute when Darijo Srna "impeded" Matthias Ginter (this was a bit harsh), so I wasn't too sad to see Aubameyang miss the resulting kick. Srna then got himself sent off on just 16 after a mean tackle on Mario Gotze. Despite being a man up for 74 minutes, we could not score, so I ended up sorely regretting not being more pissed at Auba for missing a pen. We left Ukraine disappointed and our position in the group completely up for grabs.

We claimed a good win against Hertha at the Signal Iduna. Gotze would score the first goal in the 22nd with a decent shot past multiple defenders. However, it was our turn to get a man sent off, as Sebastian Rode lunged in from behind at a Hertha player just minutes later. Aubameyang would score a second goal though afterward, tapping in from a low cross. The away side were able to respond in the second half from a great Valentin Stocker volley, but they didn't have much further to offer afterwards.

We were outplayed on the road by Werder Bremen, who displayed excellent finishing ability. They got the lead early through Max Kruse, albeit from a shot that Roman Burki should have saved. We got an equalizer just seven minutes later, though, with Auba forcing their keeper into an awkward contusion to try, and fail, to save his shot. Shinji Kagawa would score in similar fashion, as their 37-year-old keeper Jaroslav Drobny had a bad day at the office. Bremen's offense would fire back in the second half though, first through former Arsenal man Serge Gnabry's close range volley, and then through captain Clemens Fritz's placed hit. Disappointing, surely, but deserved by our opponents nonetheless.

Heading into our penultimate Champions League group game against Legia, we knew we needed three points to have the best chance of advancing to the knockout stages, as we still had not won a game so far in four attempts. Unfortunately, this was a very boring game, apart from an expert Roman Weidenfeller save in the early goings to keep things at 0-0. It was looking like we were headed for yet another melancholy-inducing draw until Christian Pulisic came on. The 17-year-old American supersub changed everything, firing in two beautiful goals in the 81st and 86th minutes, both assisted by fellow sub Emre Mor. Despite being mostly outplayed by Legia, we ran out with beaming smiles.

We would return to Bundesliga action just three days later, and put out a comprehensive victory over Wolfsburg. Pulisic would continue his fiery form from the last match, smacking in a deflected shot with his first touch. Despite missing an absolute sitter earlier, Aubameyang would come to life later in the second half, dropping in two goals to put Wolfsburg away and keep pace with leaders Bayern.

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2nd place on both fronts. In the league, Bayern are just a point above us and look to be a proper challenge, whilst Leverkusen sit a point behind us and upstarts Leipzig are also looking very dangerous as well, having won five straight league games and moved to just two points behind.
In the CL, our win over Legia put us in a much better position to advance, as we now sit two points above Shakhtar after they drew with leaders Juve. A win on the last day against the Italians will clinch it, and a draw should be enough even if Shakhtar win. I wouldn't put anything past "The Ultimate Ball-Busters" though...

Rounding off November is our first Ruhr Derby, followed by a December which sees our last CL showdown with Juventus and a run-through of top half teams in the Bundesliga before the winter break.

Los!

Edited by oriole01

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The Ruhr Derby: Chapter Eins
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Thirteen- The Pre-Game

"Alright men, now once we cross the river we will split into four platoons, two of you will flank the enemy as they emerge from the trees, one will go head on to penetrate, and the last will stay behind and volley the arrows. We've got once shot at this, don't mess up. Oh, and when in doubt, pass to Aubameyang." 
Hans Kaiser's speech on the bus to Gelsenkirchen generated some laughs, some eye rolls, some sighs. No, they weren't at war, but they were entering enemy territory. The tension, nerves, and excitement could be felt on the bus as the Dortmund ensemble moved closer and closer to the VELTINS-Arena. Even for the newest players in the squad, derby day meant something special to everyone, and once they pulled up to the stadium and saw yellow shirts walking by, everyone felt relieved and smiled. Of course there was plenty of blue around too, the home fans looking riled up and hungry for goals as always. Blue flares were visible already in the stadium, despite kickoff being nearly two hours away. Schalke, better known back home as "Smurf ****ers", didn't do too well in the first third of the season, as they sat in 12th place with just two wins from twelve games. However, a game like this would motivate anyone to play their hearts out. That goes without saying in the Ruhr between these two old dogs, whose rivalry traces back to the 1920s and has been very even in the Bundesliga era. Today brought the same glorious atmosphere and passion that every derby brought, but Kaiser felt he had the edge, naturally. Everyone was bald, and even more extremely, he was somehow able to convince the board to force all male supporters to provide "proof of baldness" for a coveted away ticket. Better yet, many women opted to cut their hair short and some even went all the way, too. Not only was more money being donated to local cancer causes, but Schalke fans couldn't help but feel intimidated.  The bald maniac had made his insane project work, and he was all the more confident leading up to kick-off. 

The Tunnel
The noise was deafening outside. 57,000 rabid Schalke fans were baying for blood, and 5,200 bald or near-bald Dortmund fans were making as much racket as they possibly could against the much larger cacophony surrounding them. Just minutes before the managers were set to stride out, Hans Kaiser and Schalke manager Markus Weinzierl met inside the coal-sided tunnel, which Kaiser found both truly impressive yet repulsive at the same time. They were known as "The Miners", after all. Never mind that, he had to stay focused on intimidating the **** out of his counterpart.
Kaiser: "I hope you already know that you'll be crying by the end of this match. Save the tissues for another day."
Wienzierl: "No, no, no. You see this form we've been on? All a front so that we could trojan-horse your ass. Prepare for complete and utter destruction, you proper wankstain!"
"You want to talk about antiquity? After this match your ass is getting sacked. Like Rome. LIKE ****ING ROME, BITCH! PREPARE TO GET VISIGOTHED, **********er! I'M THE GODDAMN KING! I'M THE ****ING EMPEROR! YOUR SMURF EMPIRE'S FALLING HARD, PEASANT! HELL YEAH! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ****ING ALLES, BITCH!!!"

There was a shocked look on Wienzierl's face after this tirade, as well as on the faces of all three stewards and the 9-year-old ball boy who happened to overhear. It was clear that Hans Kaiser had gone insane. Luckily there were no cameras or reporters around to see this incident for the sole reason of excessive profanity, but it was also unlucky, because it was the moment he became truly legendary...

The two men stride out onto the pitch, one visibly fired up and the other visibly mortified. Game on.

Los! Los! Los!
If any of you are wondering, I'm doing fine. I just like writing about crazy people. Please don't call Interpol.

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You hear a strange voice, emanating from somewhere above and...behind...you.

"Stay calm.  Interpol has been alerted.  All is well."

As the voice begins to repeat itself ad nauseum, a lively tin-whistle version of "The Girl From Ipanema" begins to play softly.  Without end.

Edited by ManUtd1

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The worst part about a Dortmund save, I find, is that literally all your young phenoms are going to moan about wanting to leave within the first couple of years.  Hopefully Hans can cow them with his ferociously bald pate.

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1 hour ago, ManUtd1 said:

You hear a strange voice, emanating from somewhere above and...behind...you.

"Stay calm.  Interpol has been alerted.  All is well."

As the voice begins to repeat itself ad nauseum, a lively tin-whistle version of "The Girl From Ipanema" begins to play softly.  Without end.

*chills race down spine*

1 minute ago, Tajerio said:

The worst part about a Dortmund save, I find, is that literally all your young phenoms are going to moan about wanting to leave within the first couple of years.  Hopefully Hans can cow them with his ferociously bald pate.

Hi Tajerio, thanks for commenting! Your words do indeed bear truth, as Aubameyang has already expressed interest in moving to PSG and tried to get me to allow him to enter contract talks. I shut him down, much to his disapproval. Hopefully the craziness at Dortmund is inspiring everyone else to stay, though!

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The Ruhr Derby: Chapter Eins
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Thirteen- The Post-Game

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Well, that was disappointing. After all the terrifying effort put in by Hans Kaiser to intimidate Schalke into submission, our players couldn't match it on the pitch. The Smurfs broke through first through Franco di Santo, the Argentine slipping a cool finish past Burki on the run. Auba would level things up nine minutes later, with a delicate finish that clinked off the underside of the bar and into the goal. Everything was up for grabs at halftime, but seconds after the restart, di Santo scored again, taking a cross from Breel Embolo and squeezing the ball past Burki and two defenders. We couldn't find a way through in the next 45 minutes, even with the support of a late sending-off from Schalke's Benjamin Stambouli. A deflating loss that sets us back in the league race, but the attention has to turn to the reverse fixture at home in April. Now that's where the real fireworks will go off... just ask Hans.

Los!

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Borussia Dortmund
December 2016

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An unbeaten month that saw us through in the Champions League but set back in the Bundesliga.

We rebounded very well from the Ruhr Derby loss with a big win over Hoffenheim. We went up 3 goals inside of 20 minutes, first with an own goal, then with a tight Aubameyang finish, and finally with Sebastian Rode's simple volley. Niklas Sule would fire one in at close range for the visitors in the second half to bring in to 3-1, before Pulisic got the final say on 83 as a direct result of a brilliant cross from a returning Marco Reus.

The most important match of the month was the final CL Group Stage tie against Juventus. I certainly wasn't expecting to win this one, but the boys delivered in Turin despite the home side looking far better on the ball. Auba would zip in the first goal of the game early on, and we led until Kwadwo Asamoah leveled proceedings eight minutes later from a rebounded free kick. Needing a hero to ensure we would finish above Shakhtar, we found one in Mario Gotze, with the former traitor sinking an excellent placed goal to capsize the real life 2017 finalists and send us through to the Round of 16 after a tumultuous, tricky campaign in the Group Stage.

Next came a tough fixture against 2nd-placed Leverkusen. This was a very important game in the scope of the title race, but entertainment only came in short bursts. An exception was in the 6th minute when Sokratis scored a mentally deficient own goal with the ball just waiting to be cleared off the goal line. I won't say anything further, it was that painful to watch! Right before half time, Aubameyang was free on a break and looked certain to tuck one in... until he was hacked down for a penalty by Tin Jedvaj that is. He wouldn't disappoint from the spot, placing his shot perfectly and earning a draw against a Leverkusen side that had some very good chances to win.

We completely dominated Darmstadt, outshooting them 30-12. Aubameyang would score two straightforward goals to continue an unbelievable season. Darmstadt would blow their best chance to score, with Marcel Heller dragging a one-on-one shot well wide. 3 easy points for Der BVB.

It looked like we had another straightforward win against Frankfurt. Auba and Andre Schurrle had scored our earlier goals, both of them finished expertly. We were cruising, but the complexion of the game reversed after Sokratis was sent off. It was a bad month for that guy. Immediately after, Frankfurt started looking a lot more like their incarnation in @ManUtd1's thread. Everton loanee Shani Tarashaj and Marco Fabian would complete a three-minute double, equalizing the score and sending us home with far less than we expected. Bollocks.

Table
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We've dropped to third in a title race that Leipzig have now officially entered. With half the season gone, it's going to very interesting to see if any of us three in the Peloton will be able to keep up with Bayern, whose only loss has been to us in Der Klassiker. Ingolstadt continue a breathtaking run, and look firmly in the race for Europe this season. Hamburg are also exceeding expectations, whilst Schalke and Gladbach are falling far below theirs. Freiburg, Mainz, and Darmstadt have plenty of time to right the ship, as none of them look in real danger yet, but surely everyone at the bottom will want more wins sooner than later.

CL Draw
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Now, this might look like a great draw if it were the Arsenal we all know and love, but this side is somehow topping the Premier League under Arsene Wenger (impossible, surely) and look generally threatening. Alexis Sanchez and Olivier Giroud are in double figures, while Ozil and Ramsey are working their magic to the maximum this year, as well as FM16 legend Hector Bellerin. This is going to tough, but we do have a guy with 27 goals in 26 games on our side. Elsewhere in the draw, the only real underdog are Leicester, who face real-life eliminators Atletico Madrid one stage earlier (they faced IRL R16 opponent Sevilla in the Group Stage). Real Madrid are of course the favorites, who face Leverkusen first in a rematch of the 2002 Final.

Hans Kaiser's Note:
It's been a fun season so far, to say the least, but I'm happy to be on Christmas break. The Bundesliga race will be waiting with open arms once the holidays are over, so we've got to remain prepared for the second half. Also, I'm absolutely buzzing to have the opportunity to test myself against the best team in the Premier League in a few months, so naturally we'll be testing a new prototype of baldness, one that's very interesting in my opinion. Something that really brings out the identity of this club and city as a whole... no animals will be harmed.

Los! Los! Los!

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Borussia Dortmund
January 2017
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As the holiday season concluded, a different kind of festivity kicked back into full gear in the Bundesliga, coupled with some significant activity in the transfer market.

In our two fitness-recovery friendlies, we mopped up Lotte and Paderborn, two 3. Liga sides. Alex Isak was certainly impressive, dropping in three goals.

However, we were still ill-prepared for the challenge of RB Leipzig, who are unfortunately a very terrifying side who we were lucky to beat in the reverse fixture. Marc Bartra conceded an awful own goal within 30 seconds, setting the tone for a poor performance in the former East Germany. Yussuf Poulsen fired in a header past a roaming Roman Burki to make it 2-0 on 13 minutes. Then in the second half, Naby Keita would laser in a brilliant finish from outside the area to bring it to an embarrassing 3-0. Julian Weigl would, however, score possibly our best goal of the season a few minutes later to pull one back, ripping in a volley from all of 25 yards. We missed all of our remaining chances to get back in it, and Leipzig ran out deserved winners. All this despite losing one of their best players in Marcel Sabitzer to Spurs.

I wasn't expecting such a positive response to the previous match against Gladbach in the Borussen Derby, but we definitely delivered thanks to the work of rising star Alex Isak, who was filling in a for Cup of Nations-bound Aubameyang. Isak got the first goal on 27 minutes from a straightforward volley.  He would then score just seconds away from the half, taking a clever through ball from Marco Reus and scoring easily, sending the Signal Iduna to madness. Shortly after the break, Andre Schurrle smacked in a signature goal and made absolutely sure of three points at home.

Table
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The loss to Leipzig has made things a lot tougher. We now sit seven points off the lead, but five points clear of Hertha in 5th. Bayern have opened up a decent lead at the top, with Leverkusen returning to form with the subsequent return of Chicharito. It was never going to easy to topple FC Hollywood at the first time of asking, but I sure hope we find a way to make it competitive, or as Hans put it... yeah, never mind. 

Transfers
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We'll start with the outgoings. Man City showed particular interest in Ginter, and we were able to negotiate a fair deal for him without much trouble at all. While he's a good player, I was more than willing to allow him to pursue his Premier League dreams (albeit with Oil City) and let him go. Unfortunately this happened the day after he moved to Manchester:
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:eek:. I feel like this happens more often than SI are willing to admit. Poor guy...

Anyways, Park-Joo Hoo simply wasn't going to be getting a game at left back with Raphael Guerreiro and Marcel Schmelzer being much better options. so I also let him move on to the PL with Bournemouth, where he'll hopefully be able to find success. He didn't blow his ACL on the first day, so that must be a good sign. Lastly, longtime servant Nuri Sahin was too far down in the pecking order to justify a place in the team and the wage bill, and his whining over playing time certainly didn't help the matter. A bit harsh for a player who started out at Dortmund in 2003, but he did leave us before in 2011, so I'm sure he'll manage in Serie A with Fiorentina. We also secured some loan deals for youngsters, including Mikel Merino who returns to Spain, where he'll hopefully return in a much better position to challenge for a place in the first team.

Now onto incomings. Serving as the direct replacement for Ginter is the Belgian Bjorn Engels, who surprisingly cost more than Ginter was to sell. Club Brugge sure drove a hard bargain. However, Engels has significant future potential at 22 years old, and could earn a place in the starting XI next season if he works hard. In real life he moved to Olympiakos this summer, but was targeted by big clubs as well, so hopefully I got this one right. He made his debut late in the Gladbach game, but I should have subbed him on earlier.
 
In on deadline day as a backup option for Auba via Fluminense is the Brazilian teenager Richarlison, who is indeed a mouth-watering future prospect. With high strength, movement, and finishing for a teen, this guy looks like the real deal and was relatively cheap. In real life, he moved to Watford, which isn't quite Dortmund, but he has scored 3 goals in 7 Premier League games. The best part, you ask? He's already bald. Hans looooves that. With fellow wonderkid Isak also on the books, the future looks bright for when we inevitably lose our Gabonese megastar. Speaking of him, hosts Gabon made the quarterfinals of the ACON before being tossed out by South Africa. Auba scored just once in the group stage, somehow staying off the scoresheet in a later 5-2 win over Sudan. I'll update with the winner of the competition next month.

Bjorn Engels Richarlison

Up next in February is our third match of the season against Bayern at the Allianz, which serves as our best chance to close the gap between us. We'll also be playing Arsenal in the Champions League towards the end of the month, so there's still plenty to look forward to in the dead of winter! 

Los! Los! Los!

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Der Klassiker: Chapter Drei
Bundesliga Week Twenty- The Pre-Game
The banter before this one had been immense. The shocking 3-1 win by Dortmund in the reverse Bundesliga fixture had enraged Carlo Ancelotti and made him all the more desperate for revenge at home in Munich. The hair he ripped out after that match had long since grown back, but the Dortmund boys were sheared again, this time with the entire back of their heads painted with yellow and black. Dortmund would be personally paying the DFL a hefty fine for these antics after the match, but in his mind this was all worth it. In the pre-match press conferences, Kaiser would begin the attack by vowing to humiliate Ancelotti's Bayern again, claiming the Italian legend had "a special way of winding him up", and straight up insulting the club by calling new signing Tony Jantschke the "weak link". Ancelotti would respond by laughing off Kaiser's threats and returning the favor by calling Dortmund' new man Bjorn Engels the "weak link" as well. The war of words was on fire, but the war on the pitch was far more important. Not only was this a heated derby, but it served as a massive game in the title race. Lose this game, and Dortmund were surely out of contention for top spot. Win it, and they were back in it.  Whatever happened in Munich wouldn't stay in Munich. The entire country and most of the continent was watching- the dynasty that was Bayern against one of the most exciting, eccentric teams in football in Kaiser's Dortmund. The first two meetings were big, but this was enormous. The sheer passion dripping from both of these teams and their fans were amazing, and an utter spectacle was sure to follow.

The Locker Room- Allianz Arena
With half of an hour remaining until kickoff, Hans Kaiser was ready to put it all on the line, but first he had to make sure his proudly bald players were absolutely prepared to do the same. He may have drank too much Red Bull beforehand though.
KAISER: "THIS IS IT. YOU'VE PROVED YOU CAN BEAT THESE GUYS, AND THERE IS NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T DO IT AGAIN. THERE IS TOO MUCH RIDING ON THIS FOR YOU TO FALL NOW! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE TOUGHEST MATCH OF THE SEASON, I ASSURE YOU. BUT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO IS TAKE ALL THAT NOISE, ALL THAT SCREECHING AND YELLING OUTSIDE AND SHUT IT ALL DOWN!!! COME ON! WE ARE GOING TO SHOW THESE  BUGATTI-DRIVING, SNAPCHAT-WHORING, LINE-CUTTING, 10,000 EURO SHADES- WEARING ************* WHAT IT MEANS TO BE COMPLETELY HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED. THE TISSUE INDUSTRY IN THIS GODDAMN CITY WILL BE BOOMING BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!!! TAKE IT AWAY, ROMAN!

ROMAN WEIDENFELLER: "You guys ready?"
ALL: "YES!"
WEIDENFELLER: "FÜR DEN RUHM!!! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES!"
ALL: "BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES"

The Tunnel
Hans knew he had taken it too far last time with Markus Weinzierl, but in no world of his did that mean he would take it easy with Carlo this time.
ANCELOTTI: "I'm sorry it's come to this, Hans. I've had enough of your ********. It's time to put your childish lot in their place once and for all. Remember, *points to his hair* this is why everyone loves me. That crowd out there sure knows who's boss."
KAISER: "You want to talk about a boss? Look no further. I've got the country on my side, and they'd much rather prefer a rebel to a grandfather like you. I'm James Dean, bitch. I'm Emperor Qin. I'm Spartacus. I'm William Wallace. I'm Che. I'm a modern Visigoth. The revolution will not stop until your club and all the others are confined to a dusty history book, whose pages simply read: CONQUERED BY BALDNESS. Baldness Über Alles!"
"You should get your head checked, Kaiser. This whole god complex thing has gone to your head. Lest we forget you've been a manager for six months, not my 25 years. Think of it this way, I'm just doing you a service. I'm helping you by beating you. The sooner you come down to Earth, the better. I promise you that in five years no one will remember your chrome dome. You'll be confined to YouTube videos detailing football's worst managerial flops. It's time to come back down Hans. I actually feel sad for you, man. I blame the jungle."
Kaiser cringed at just the mention of the jungle, quickly repressing a growing urge to smack Ancelotti across the face. He went in for the kicker.
"Listen Carlo, you might want to check the paternity test when your daughter gives birth. She preferred the baldness to that muppet boyfriend of hers. You know, it was-"
*ANCELOTTI strikes KAISER hard in the temple* *KAISER crumbles to the floor, half-conscious and sputtering.*
"**** you, Kaiser. I sure hope you can least get up to see your team die."
Stewards and physios immediately rush to Kaiser's side, and are able to get him back standing. However, Hans is light-headed, woozy, and now sports a massive bruise on his bare forehead. The media would keep the incident quiet, but the war had reached unprecedented and completely unacceptable new heights. As he trudged out of the tunnel and into his technical area, Kaiser whispered, "I'll get him, Leo. I promise."

Los! Los! Los! Los! Los!"

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Posted (edited)

Image result for bayern munichDortmund.png.e7288f705792ad65a767703d1417e7be.png
Der Klassiker: Chapter Drei
Bundesliga Week Twenty- The Post-Game

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Damn it! We suck in big games. It would help if we stopped conceding in the first minute. Robert Lewandowski would do this to us for the second time in three games, sticking in a Juan Bernat cross at the near post. Arjen Robben would make it two, hitting an unstoppable shot by Weidenfeller. In the second half, Sebastian Rode would equalize with an ambitious long range shot that was placed perfectly to beat Manuel Neuer. Our chances of coming back didn't last long, though, as on 64 Thiago Alcantara got Bayern's third and final goal after a leaky defense was exploited with through balls. A totally devastating match that makes any hopes at a trophy this season bleak. 

Table
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Yeah, things have dropped off recently.  Both Leverkusen and Leipzig won, making 4th place the most realistic possibility at the moment for us. Hamburg just keep climbing, Ingolstadt have cooled off, Frankfurt and Koln are slipping towards the relegation zone, and Freiburg are in dire straits.

Hans Kaiser disappeared deep inside the Allianz Arena shortly after his devastating loss to Ancelotti's Bayern. Partly concussed, partly depressed, some club staff report Kaiser wandering around the cafeteria, laundry room, offices, and the dumpster area muttering something about "Leo" and the number 22. What Ancelotti had done to him had surely tipped him off center, mentally and physically. Did he ever make it back to the hotel that night? Yes, but only after his concerned wife Sophie (who came to all big away games) had to come get him after he was found asleep and slumped over a ping pong table in Bayern's rec room. Was he scared straight? Time would only tell. Would he ever find happiness and victory again? One would have to hope so. Would he ever "get" Ancelotti for Leo? Now that's an interesting story...

Los! Los! Los!

Edited by oriole01

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Borussia Dortmund
February 2017
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After the loss to Bayern early in the month, we did well to reconcile... until the end at least.

We got all three points in a tricky fixture against Hamburg, whose attacking firepower could not be ignored. We would go behind early, with American phenom Bobby Wood beating Burki for power in a one-on-one. Just five minutes later, Aubameyang would equalize with a rebound off his own miss from very close in. Auba would also grab us the lead with a quick goal on the run near half time. Unfortunately, Marc Bartra would concede a penalty for a push in the second half, which Aaron Hunt converted (albeit with the help of Burki bobbling it, it was credited as an own goal) and brought the game level again. It would take the heroics of Marco Reus to separate us, who drilled in a spectacular free kick on 87 minutes to win the game in style. 

We completely dominated Augsburg, and the 3-0 scoreline could easily have been five or six. We missed a lot of chances early on, but Auba would finally put us into the lead on 28 with a lightning-fast close range goal. We had to wait until the final stages of the game to increase our lead, when Ousmane Dembele stuck the second goal into the bottom corner. Sebastian Rode would cap off the night with an excellent long-range goal, continuing a brilliant season for himself in the midfield.  New signing Richarlison finally made his debut in this game, impressing the footballing world with two assists in just 20 minutes of play.

The most important fixture of the month came at home against Arsenal in the first leg of our CL Round of 16 tie. The Premier League leaders looked especially dangerous heading into this game, and they certainly put the pressure on us in the first half. The Gunners dominated possession and looked far more likely to score, with a great save from Roman Weidenfeller keeping Santi Cazorla off the scoresheet in the 42nd. However, we would come alive in the second half, winning the ball from Arsenal and attacking with much more fervor. It was this that got us the win. On 58, Aubameyang would roll in the first goal, making Petr Cech look really bad in the process. Not long after, Mario Gotze would instinctively turn and fire a shot from the edge of the area, rattling in the second goal to the absolute delight of 61,000 Dortmund fans. Arsenal had little fight after that, and we would go home that night knowing that our job was going to be much easier in London next month. Indeed, the quarterfinals are in sight!

Despite the success in the middle of February, we ended the short month just as we started it with a poor loss to 15th-placed Köln, who continued a horrific run of away form for our team. We found little in the way of attacking intuition, with most of our shots tamely flying into the arms of Timo Horn from an uncharacteristically poor Aubameyang. The home side would take advantage in the 30th minute, with Matthias Lehmann taking an open chance from close in ahead of the entire defense. In the second half, Anthony Modeste would secure their victory, his shot reaching the upper reaches of the net where Burki couldn't stop it. A very concerning loss in a league season that gets more and more underwhelming each week.

Table
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We're going to keep getting farther adrift from Bayern. Hans hasn't been able to keep his vulgar promises towards Ancelotti. Despite having what can only described as a good season, we are still being let down by our dire away form. We haven't won a game away from home in the Bundesliga since October, when we beat Freiburg. In fact, all of our draws and losses this season have come on the road, meaning we still have a 100% record at home in the league, the best of any team. We're still comfortably above Hertha right now, but we need to keep good form up for the rest of the season to assure a Champions League place, and hopefully a position above 4th. 

In March we have three easier games in the league, two of them against current relegation strugglers, and our second leg against Arsenal, which will get its own post.

Los!

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Hans is just lulling Carlo into a false sense of security... Solid result against Arsenal, too!

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2 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

Hans is just lulling Carlo into a false sense of security... Solid result against Arsenal, too!

I wish he could claim that! It may take several years to break Bayern down. It may even require the assistance of a familiar friend to do so...

#LaRevolución #BaldnessÜberAlles #MindsWillBeBlown

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Borussia Dortmund
Youth Intake 2017

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Aaand we've got a cracker, folks. A great intake at the top, with four players who could become big time stars. Below that, the intake isn't as strong, but there are still seven potential first-teamers and I'll surely be giving everyone a chance apart from the bottom two.
Now for a closer look at our newest prospects:

d163835df301129a778953cba6ec00e9.jpg222d97a738ff6e155d5da46b59dbcd8d.jpg

099ec88855fbea908f4dfa0632de9468.jpgb4aa018a282f4c6eb41f94e0626e9906.jpg

Gunther Stark is obviously the one to be paying the most attention to here. With potential as high as five stars, central midfielder Stark already has some impressive attributes at the age of 14, and surely I'll look to get him a bigger role as soon as he's ready. Beckert also has bags of potential, and although his current attributes aren't as impressive as Stark's, he's definitely someone to look out for as well in the wide midfield. Boy has some great mental attributes but plenty of work to do everywhere else. Also a potential starter in the central midfield, he'll be someone I'll be excited about as well. Finally, Nikolic, who shares his name with a Hungarian international, looks to be the best attacking player to come out of the intake, albeit in one that has no proper striker. He has some eye-catching physicals but has lots of work to do in the technical department to improve himself. Hopefully he'll pan out as the most effective scorer from this class.

Beneath these four, there's some encouraging quality, but nothing that wows me at the moment. We'll have to see if anyone can beat our HOYD's initial judgments and work their way into the top tiers of our youth setup. The best part about the players from this intake is how young they are; I certainly wasn't expecting to get someone as young as 14 through the doors. Add these guys to our already mental academy, and we've got a big storm brewing for the next generation.

Welcome to Dortmund! Los! Los! Los!

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2 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Very good intake. Stark, in particular, looks like he'll become a star.

Cheers! Here's hoping they'll all pan out.

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Borussia Dortmund
UEFA Champions League Round of 16- Second Leg

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[Insert exasperated groan here]. A match in which we failed to hold on to an aggregate lead which any team would be jealous of, and one that shockingly sent us home eliminated from the tournament. Sanchez would get the Gunners off the mark by tapping in a rebound from Olivier Giroud's crossbar-hitting shot. However, we would get back on track on 20, with Andre Schurrle easily scoring from a lovely Aubameyang cross. This made Arsenal's chances of coming back very unlikely, as the away goal meant they had to score three more times to win... but they did just that. Giroud would score in the 38th, tapping in a tame cross from Nacho Monreal in a move that our defenders did a horrible job of covering.  They leveled the tie on aggregate shortly after the break, with Aaron Ramsey scoring a beautiful volley from outside the area.  Then, they got the winner. On 53 minutes, Mesut Ozil got free on the penalty spot and hit the bar with his shot... but then it careened off the back of Roman Weidenfeller on its way down and rolled over the line. Unreal scenes ensued at the Emirates Stadium. One more goal would still have won it for us on away goals, but it seemed like we were too stunned by the comeback to push forward with any real threat again, and the match bled out until the final whistle and confirmed our brutal elimination.

The Press Conference- Emirates Stadium
"Hans, how is this loss going to affect your squad? Surely they're devastated right now?"
"It's been a rough day. I can assure you this wasn't what we were preparing for tonight, but we will find a way to overcome the loss. There are positives for sure. Arsenal lead the Premier League, after all."
"But this must put a dent in your 'Baldness Über Alles' plan, right?"
Kaiser takes his time before responding.
"The plan has no time limit, no expiration date, no definitive appearance. When it happens, it will happen. You'll know when it has arrived. That's when I'll be happy."
"What about the board? They surely can't be dealing in such abstract terms. This season Dortmund have fallen short of most of its goals, and it's been rumored that your position is under question. When can we expect signs of the plan coming to fruition?"
"Nonsense, the board have full confidence in me and my staff right now. They understand that this isn't an easy job and that these sort of things take time to pay off. We are disappointed with the result tonight, absolutely. But the plan is still on and my job is most definitely secure, without question. Anything else, gentlemen?"
"What happens if the plan doesn't come at all? What would happen if you fail to achieve your goals here? Would you be able to continue your career? Would it haunt you?"
Kaiser stares at the young reporter long and hard. Their eyes form an iron link, connecting both their brains in a single moment. The young man's eyes suddenly widen greatly at the shock this sensation gives him. Kaiser breaks the link, and then laughs merrily. 
"My friend, you shall be bald soon enough! Thank you everyone."
And with that, Hans Kaiser exits the stage, throws on his jacket and fedora, and speeds off into the night in his shark-adorned Lamborghini. He's got a plane to catch.

Related image
(Awesome)

Los!

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Borussia Dortmund
March 2017

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We should have wiped the floor with this month's fixtures, but we ended up getting knocked out of the Champions League and dropping points in the league.

Our high point of the month was against Ingolstadt, as we overwhelmed them easily at home. On 8 minutes, Sebastian Rode would open the scoring with a bang, scorching in a filthy zinger from outside the box. Marcel Schmelzer would double the lead on 51 with his first goal of the season, eagerly volleying in from a rebounded save. Substitute Richarlison would cap the scoring with his first goal for Dortmund, driving one low to beat the keeper. Ingolstadt had no attacking presence, and we cruised to victory at the Signal Iduna.

We missed another chance at ending our long-running away winless streak against Mainz. Danny Latza would score first for the home side, the midfielder placing a long-range strike perfectly to beat Roman Burki. Marco Reus would blast in a beautiful free kick two minutes later to level the scores, however. Auba gave us the lead on 44, connecting on a header that flew over the onrushing goalkeeper. Despite looking the deserved winners, Mainz pulled a second goal back through Bojan Krkic, the former Barcelona man powering his way in front of goal to apply the finishing touch. That would be enough for them to steal a point, as we couldn't craft a winner in the remaining 13 minutes of play.

After getting knocked out of the Champions League in harsh fashion, we looked to regroup against Freiburg, Hans' former club. Things started terribly. After just 17 seconds, Nils Petersen slithered his way through our defense and drove in a goal to stun the home fans. Marco Reus would come to the rescue on 17 minutes, and we scored 17 goals after that... never mind. The equalizer was hopefully the first on a way back to victory, but despite dominating Freiburg in the shots department, we couldn't find a way through again. We even blew a last-second chance in which the ball was won in the attacking third with three open men in the box... Christ that was depressing. Oh well.

Table
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With 7 games left to go in the league, things look to be taking shape. Bayern have already secured Champions League football (as if that were surprising) and are well on their way to a fifth consecutive Bundesliga title. We're still fighting with Leipzig and Leverkusen for second place, with the East Germans currently holding the edge. On the other end, we're well clear of Hertha in 5th and should be securing a CL place soon. The bottom half of the table is congested, with everyone as far up as 10th place considered in relegation contention. Archrivals Schalke sit just a point removed from the relegation playoff place and two points removed from automatic relegation. It's entirely possible that Darmstadt and Mainz will escape, but Freiburg don't seem to have that possibility on their hands right now. Back down to the 2. Bundesliga for them, surely.

Hans Kaiser's Note:
It's true, we haven't been playing well enough. Dropping points to lesser teams in the Bundesliga, getting eliminated by Arsenal of all teams from the Champions League. We've underachieved, that's a given. But the baldness has not faded. We're still being talked about as one of the most exciting teams in Europe, both on the pitch and off. It's even been announced that there will be a "baldness feature" in FIFA 18 to reflect the cultural impact it's had on the game this season. Buy it with coins in the Ultimate Team shop!

We may not have much left to play for this season, but I'm still enthusiastic, still excited for what we'll be bringing to the table next year. The ongoing contract renewal talks say so. Could Gunther Stark become the youngest ever Bundesliga player next year? Maybe, we'll see. Until then, enjoy the shaving!

Los! Los! Los!

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