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oriole01

Hans Kaiser- Baldness Über Alles!

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oriole01   
Posted (edited)

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Borussia Dortmund- The Aim

So after some very difficult struggles recently in Argentina and Serie B in Italy, I've decided to try something a bit different- a big club. Among the big clubs in the European ascendancy, Borussia Dortmund is one of the few I can think of that I can truly admire. A legendary fanbase, two epic rivalries, a state-of-the-art youth academy, and some truly exciting stars make for a formidable club consistently near the top of the Bundesliga. However, Dortmund's one of those clubs that is always just a few steps short of reaching the highest level, and my job as the new manager is to take them there, breaking Bayern Munich's monopoly on the Bundesliga domestically and with the right pieces in place, lift the ultimate prize- the UEFA Champions League title. I'd say we're already close. World class players such as Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Marco Reus are going to be integral to this effort, so one of my main goals is going to be keeping this deadly pair here in the Ruhr as long as possible. We can't forget mouth-watering prospects such as Julian Weigl, Christian Pulisic, Ousmane Dembele, Emre Mor, Jacob Bruun Larsen and Alexander Isak who will also be very important to the save later down the road. So without further ado, here are my initial goals for this challenge:

- Win the Bundesliga, hopefully consistently as to break Bayern Munich's hold on the league
-Win the UEFA Champions League in 3-5 seasons
- Collect as many smaller trophies as possible (Euro Super Cup, German Super Cup, CWC, DFB-Pokal)
-Focus on youth development, turn our best youth prospects into world-class players
-Hold onto our star players as long as possible

-Beat the living **** out of Schalke. Every. Single. Time.
Game Setup
All major European Leagues, plus Netherlands, Belgium as playable and Turkey, Switzerland, Brazil, Poland, and Denmark as view-only. Medium database with all international players

Come on, let's go! Los!
 

EDIT: This isn't necessarily a one-club save. If I ever reach a point where I feel I've achieved all that I possibly can with Dortmund, I'll probably move on. No idea where, though...

Edited by oriole01

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oriole01   

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Borussia Dortmund- The Squad and Tactics

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Dortmund has a very talented and deep squad, featuring a perfect mix of youth, rising stars, players in their prime, and experienced veterans. Here's who you're going to want to watch out for this season:
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang  Marco Reus Julian Weigl Ousmane Dembele Raphael Guerreiro Christian Pulisic

I'm most excited by this group of players for the next few seasons, but I'm looking at a well-rounded squad that can certainly be highly competitive on both the domestic and continental fronts from the get go. Unfortunately, key players Reus and Gotze are injured, as well as Erik Durm and Sven Bender.  The only areas I think that need improvement are center back and central attacking midfielder, although neither of them are immediate concerns. In fact, I think retraining Pulisic as an AMC will help solve the problem there, which I've already begun doing. We have some pretty excellent personalities at Dortmund, which are without doubt going to be useful in tutoring the next generation. The future indeed looks very, very bright.

Staff
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We've got a pretty excellent coaching staff here, unsurprisingly. I only needed to bring in former Man City coach Salsano to complete the team.

Tactics
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I'm going with two fairly simple systems to start with, one a straight-up attacking tactic and the other a counter strategy with Weigl the linchpin. After all, we are expected to play attacking football by the board! The first tactic has been very successful in preseason, albeit against weak opposition. The quick passing play is a joy to watch, and we have some really potent finishing ability in the squad to make it worthwhile. I haven't tested the latter tactic, but I'll be using it against Bayern in the DFL-Supercup, so I've got to hope it works.

I haven't had a very good record with tactics, but I'm lucky enough to have a squad that can fit into just about any tactical system well. Its rich depth and flexibility make Dortmund a gem of modern football, reminiscent of football's distant past. If things aren't working out, I'm confident in our ability to adapt to strategical any changes.

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oriole01   

 

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Borussia Dortmund- The Club
I'd imagine most of you are somewhat familiar with the history and culture surrounding Dortmund, but here's a refresher.

From Wikipedia:

Ballspielverein Borussia 09 e.V. Dortmund, commonly known as Borussia Dortmund BVB, or simply Dortmund, is a German sports club based in Dortmund, North Rhine-Westphalia (Borussia is the Latin equivalent of Prussia). The football team is part of a large membership-based sports club with more than 145,000 members, making BVB the second largest sports club by membership in Germany. Dortmund plays in the Bundesliga, the top tier of the German football league system. Dortmund is one of the most successful clubs in German football history.

Borussia Dortmund was founded in 1909 by eighteen football players from Dortmund. Borussia Dortmund have won eight German championships, four DFB-Pokals, five DFL-Supercups, one UEFA Champions League, one UEFA Cup Winners' Cup, and one Intercontinental Cup. Their Cup Winners' Cup win in 1966 made them the first German club to win a European title.

Since 1974, Dortmund have played their home games at Westfalenstadion, named after its home region of Westphalia. The stadium is the largest in Germany and Dortmund has the highest average attendance of any association football club in the world. Borussia Dortmund's colours are black and yellow, giving the club its nickname die Schwarzgelben. Dortmund holds a long-standing rivalry with Ruhr neighbours Schalke 04, known as the Revierderby. In terms of Deloitte's annual Football Money League, Dortmund is the second biggest sports club in Germany and the 11th biggest football team in the world.

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Image result for signal iduna park Image result for signal iduna park

The Westfalenstadion, or Signal Iduna Park, is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful stadiums in the world. On matchdays, especially derby days, the atmosphere in both the seats and safe standing areas is absolutely bonkers. See for yourself:

 

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Dortmund have indeed won a Champions League before, but it's approaching 20 years since that triumph in '97. They of course lost in the 2013 Final to Bayern Munich, something Dortmund fans would rather not talk about even today. 8 Bundesliga wins is impressive, but again nowhere near Bayern who have won it 26 times. If you don't count the pre-1963 titles (when the current league was first contested), we only have 5 titles, tied with Monchengladbach. Under the same criteria, Bayern would only lose one title.

Facilities and Finances

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We're rich :D. And we've got some pretty kickass facilities as well:
Image result for dortmund facilities  Image result for dortmund facilities

I'd love to bump up that junior coaching though, that's a necessity for our youth development project. Transfer budget is a bit low as well considering the overall balance.

In other words, Dortmund's an awesome club with awesome history, awesome fans, an awesome stadium and awe-inspiring money in the bank, so I can't wait to get started. Los!

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ManUtd1   

Good luck!

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oriole01   

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Borussia Dortmund- The Manager
From BVB.de:
Meet Hans Kaiser... the Next Jurgen Klopp?
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Borussia Dortmund 09 are delighted to unveil our new manager, Hans Kaiser! This is Hans' first job in football management, but we fully expect him to be able to carry on the success of Borussia Dortmund for the foreseeable future. Endowed with a shimmering squad, top class facilities, and an experienced backroom staff, Hans should have no trouble fitting in to life in the Ruhr.

Kaiser has had experience at Bundesliga level on the pitch, as from 1996 to 2005 he was a towering right back at SC Freiburg, making over 300 appearances and scoring 9 goals. In 2005 he moved to newly-promoted Eintracht Frankfurt after Freiburg were relegated and stayed until 2012, making 168 appearances and scoring three times. For his final two seasons as a player, Kaiser moved to Trabzonspor in Turkey, making 46 appearances and scoring one more goal in his final game before he hung up his boots in 2014.

Despite his history elsewhere, Hans has been a lifelong Dortmund fan, and he has publicly stated that his dream move would be to Signal Iduna Park. Therefore, he is a manager who will truly share our ambitions, feel the passion we feel in each match, and become part of the family with pride. Hans is an outspoken supporter of former BvB manager Jurgen Klopp, now at Liverpool. Indeed, he is very fortunate to be able to begin his managerial career at the very place where Klopp made a name for himself, famously reaching the UEFA Champions League final in 2013. It is the most sincere hope of our new manager that he achieves what Jurgen could not, lift that trophy! With the squad he has inherited, this prospect is far from unreasonable.

Born in Endingen, a small town near the French border, Kaiser feels a strong attachment to the Black Forest and Freiburg, but was raised as a Dortmund fan, taught to hate Schalke from an early age. Growing up in the 90's, when the Dortmund-Bayern rivalry really took shape, he also has a furious hate for FC Hollywood, and is hungry to face off against Carlo Ancelotti's team in the DFL-Supercup.

Hans has a passion for Phillip K. Dick novels, coffee, Football Manager, the music of Tame Impala, sausage, and outdoors expeditions. He lives in Dortmund with his wife Sophie and young sons Oliver and Sven, who hope to be professional footballers someday. He also owns a private residence in his hometown in Endingen.

Hans and the team will be making their competitive debut on 14 August at home against Bayern Munich in the DFL-Supercup. Tickets are still on sale! Get excited, BvB fans, we've got big things in store! Los!

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Hans Kaiser, Case ID Number 22242342535255255322543941394984891389- Z

In June 1998, Hans Gerhard Kaiser was on a jungle expedition in Parc National des Virunga on the DR Congo/Uganda border with three other individuals, identified as friend Phillip Braun, teammate Ladislav Masuc, and Masucs' girlfriend Maria Silhavy. According to Kaiser's personal accounts to Interpol agents, he was approached, or more precisely, ambushed, by several men in full camouflage, smashed over the head with a blunt object, and was rendered unconscious. Braun, Masuc, and Silhavy were able to escape, but Kaiser was held by a militia known as PLFFEC (People's Liberation Front for Eastern Congo) for four months, causing him to miss the majority of the 1998-99 Bundesliga season with his club SC Freiburg. His capture saw widespread media coverage in Freiburg and the entirety of Germany. Search parties were unable to find Kaiser or the militia's hiding place, and the Congolese army seemed unwilling to expend resources for the sake of one man who had not been seen for months. Kaiser says he was able to escape the captivity of PLFFEC during the confusion of an attack by another militia, as he was able to grab the keys to his cage from a dead soldier. Kaiser was mostly unwilling to describe the details of his captivity to Interpol agents, only mentioning the things he saw as "unsavory", the food he ate as "very unsavory", and that he "made friends with a lion" in the cage next to him. The motive for his capture is still unknown, but Kaiser speculates that they had initially tried to hold him for ransom money, but once one of the men recognized him as a professional football player, they decided against drawing attention to themselves with a ransom demand. Instead, they held him as an animal, more or less. Kaiser reports being forced to "play fetch" with grenades and being "walked on a leash" at gunpoint. PLFFEC were eventually eradicated in 2002 by the Congolese Army.

After several years of intensive counseling, Mr. Kaiser has returned to a normal life, but Interpol warns the general public that any mention of the word "FIDO" may trigger an intense and uncontrollably violent reaction from Kaiser.


Hans Kaiser's Motto: Baldness Über Alles

When he was a football player, Kaiser was known for his glorious mane. The sheer power of his hair was enough to earn him the nickname Der Schwarzwälder Hengst, or "The Black Forest Stallion". He even used to play some tennis back in the day:
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However, around 2010, while at Frankfurt, it all fell out without warning, leaving him with a chrome dome and only his beard left to compensate. It gave the Stallion a new outlook on life, one that he took as well as possible for a man that had lost all his hair. He adopted the slogan "Baldness Über Alles" that year, and sure enough, Frankfurt fans took it by heart, creating huge banners emblazoned with it. Kaiser refers to himself as "a mixture of Jurgen Klopp and Pep Guardiola, both in the management and personal grooming departments". It's obviously yet to be seen whether Hans can establish himself as a legend at the Westfalenstadion, but chances are, if he becomes one, a lot of people are going to be shaving their heads in the Ruhr.

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Los!

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oriole01   
9 hours ago, mjaferrie said:

Good luck mate!

8 hours ago, davehibb said:

Looking forward to this, good luck!  :thup:

6 hours ago, Jupjamie said:

Good luck! :D 

5 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Good luck!

4 hours ago, kidthekid said:

Excited for this one.

4 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

Good luck!

3 hours ago, Keano16 said:

I'll be following! 

Thanks for the support everyone! :)

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oriole01   

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Borussia Dortmund- 2016-17 Pre-Season
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Predicted for 2nd, not surprising, that. Reus and Auba as our key players is pretty much expected as well. I can't see us overtaking Bayern this season, but we'll give them one hell of a fight!

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Great results against some pretty substandard opposition. Auba, Bruun Larsen, and Guerreiro were the most impressive players during the pre-season, and for Larsen it's earned him a place in the first team until Marco Reus returns from injury.

Transfers
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I should have mentioned Passlack in the squad overview, he's another excellent full back prospect who I've sent to Stuttgart of the 2. Bundesliga for the next two seasons, in hopes that he'll come back ready to start at the highest level.

Supercup is up next. Los!

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oriole01   

Dortmund.png.bf63d886679505d4e53362b02c7bd75f.pngImage result for bayern
Der Klassiker: Chapter Eins
DFL- Supercup The Pre-Game

The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Fade in:
Hans Kaiser is rallying the troops before the first match of the season, against none other than archenemy Bayern Munich.
"Lads, it's Bayern. You all know what they're about. You've seen them so many times it's like you're an old married couple already. You've beat them before, and you can sure as hell beat them again. I need you to give everything you've got today, put your body on the line for the shirt. We've been lucky enough to be drawn at home, in front of these amazing fans, in this amazing stadium. Prove to them you can do this, and let's win a trophy! Don't forget, we're doing this out of revenge too. The Pokal three years ago, the Pokal last year, we've got to show them we mean business this time around. Let's show these Versace-wearing ****ers what real pain feels like! Am I right boys?"
JULIAN WEIGL- "YES SIR!"
WHOLE SQUAD- "Baldness Über Alles! Baldness Über Alles!"

The Tunnel
Kickoff is nearly here. All the players are out on the pitch, and fellow managers Hans Kaiser and Carlo Ancelotti are able to have a few moments alone before they go to battle:
Kaiser- "Welcome to the Ruhr, Carlo"
Ancelotti- "Oh, **** off, you bald ****. Let me tell you, baldness is nothing to be proud about. What kind of man loses all of his hair at 30? Have a look at this *points to his well-groomed, full head of hair*"
And already, Carlo had gone there. Normally he'd have respect for a manager of Ancelotti's stature regardless of banter, but no one, and he meant no one, insulted his baldness.
"You think you're winning anyone over with that, you old bastard? When the entirety of this country starts shaving their head, I'll be laughing like ****ing crazy!"
"Ha ha ha. You amuse me, Kaiser. Wait until we kick your ass today, then we'
ll see who's laughing."
"Listen mate, this match, in fact this whole season is going to be rough for you. It's going to be tighter than your daughter's-" 
Kaiser doesn't get to finish his sentence. At that moment, the PA announcer blares out, "And now, Dortmund fans, here's your new manager,  HAAAAAAANSSS KAAAAIIISSSERRR!!!!"
Kaiser abandons the conversation and bursts out onto the pitch, greeted by thousands of cheering Dortmund faithful. He waives, bows, gives the thumbs up, the whole spiel. Ancelotti emerges from the tunnel to a chorus of boos, and the players take their positions on the pitch. Before the whistle is blown, the two managers shake hands, but only for the sake of the cameras, to provide an illusion of respect. Both men maintain a firm, in fact very firm, grip. They stare into each other's eyes so they can each see the fire burning behind them. In just those few moments, the 'next big thing' and the 'old reliable' reached common ground. This was war.

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oriole01   

Dortmund.png.a685d4c8b9f816554a3cc75df56c0d77.pngImage result for bayern
Der Klassiker: Chapter Eins
DFL-Supercup The Post-Game

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Sigh. We were so damn close, too. Despite Bayern taking the lead in the first minute, we were able to recover later in the first half, with Auba and Dembele getting a quickfire double. Auba's was a simple header that Neuer came way too far off his line to try and save, whilst Dembele stroked a beautiful chipped ball into the top left. I had a feeling Bayern wouldn't be denied, however, and I was right. Ribery scored again on 79 due to some poor defending, and when it came to the shootout we were just too unlucky. Only Auba scored, and the rest were all saved in superhuman fashion by Neuer. Burki did pretty well himself, keeping out Lewandowski and Alaba. All told, an encouraging start to the season, just ran out of luck at the end.

After Ousmane Dembele's decisive miss, Kaiser turned to Ancelotti, giving him the darkest, most menacing staredown possible, whispered "This isn't over" with an ominous tinge, and trudged off to the locker room.

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Well penalties are a lottery. Carlo can **** off if he thinks he's proven anything. You held your own against Bayern which bodes quite well for the upcoming season.

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oriole01   
Posted (edited)

Dortmund.png.e7288f705792ad65a767703d1417e7be.png

Borussia Dortmund- UEFA Champions League Group Stage Draw

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We've been draw with a world-class Juventus side who we defeated in the 1997 final, a potentially dangerous dark horse in Shakhtar, and the underdogs of Legia. Dortmund played Legia in the group stage in real life this year, and let's just say the results were eye-popping. *cough* 6-0 and 8-4 *cough* We should still comfortably get through despite the threat of the Ukrainians. From there, who knows what's next.

Bayern have been drawn in a pretty favorable group. Also, Group G is the weakest Champions League group I've ever seen, my oh my.

Los!

Edited by oriole01

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BoxToBox   

Standing toe to toe with Bayern at the start of *any* save is an impressive feat, well done there, very well done!

Fairly harsh group, Juventus are as good as any team and Shakhtar are one of those teams that can catch anyone off guard without due diligence, Fred and Bernard could play for any team in Europe, at the very least.

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oriole01   
6 hours ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Well penalties are a lottery. Carlo can **** off if he thinks he's proven anything. You held your own against Bayern which bodes quite well for the upcoming season.

3 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

Standing toe to toe with Bayern at the start of *any* save is an impressive feat, well done there, very well done!

Fairly harsh group, Juventus are as good as any team and Shakhtar are one of those teams that can catch anyone off guard without due diligence, Fred and Bernard could play for any team in Europe, at the very least.

Thanks guys. I agree that our performance against Bayern was quite impressive for a side with such a young core. Shakhtar did have quite a bit of trouble with Sparta Prague in the playoffs, so maybe they're not quite at their best this year. Hopefully we don't underestimate them on the pitch, though.

 

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BoxToBox   
4 minutes ago, oriole01 said:

Thanks guys. I agree that our performance against Bayern was quite impressive for a side with such a young core. Shakhtar did have quite a bit of trouble with Sparta Prague in the playoffs, so maybe they're not quite at their best this year. Hopefully we don't underestimate them on the pitch, though.

 

I think they're a team that shouldn't be worried about in Germany(but obviously pay them the respect you'd give any Bundesilga or reasonable top division side), but should be treated as a big side when you play them in the Ukraine.

Also, as I mentioned them, worth keeping an eye on Bernard and Fred as potential targets(if they have the style to suit you), Kovalenko too.

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oriole01   

Dortmund.png.e7288f705792ad65a767703d1417e7be.png

Borussia Dortmund
August 2016

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We concluded the month with the beginning of our Bundesliga season. Before that, though, we went on the road to dish out a heavy defeat to Hauenstein in the first round of the Pokal, with Auba netting an impressive hat trick. We've been drawn against Stuttgart in the second round, which will take place in October.

The scoreline against RB Leipzig is quite flattering. We ran rings around the newly-promoted side, outpossessing them 58-42 and outshooting them 20-5. However, Auba had serious issues in front of the net on the night, missing some really good solo chances to score. In the end, the only separator was a top-class Guerreiro free kick that was rifled into the top left. I'm really liking the looks of the guy, that's for sure. Leipzig had some credible chances towards the end to equalize against the run of play, but we were able to hold them off for three points. Even though we should have scored more, it's great to get a victory on the first day, and against the most hated team in Germany no less.

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oriole01   

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Borussia Dortmund

September 12, 2016. The night before the season's second "Der Klassiker" derby.
The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Fade in:
Training has just finished for the day at Signal Iduna Park as Borussia Dortmund's squad pack up to head home before they face rivals Bayern Munich the next afternoon. Hans Kaiser strides in, wearing a goofy grin like he definitely has something avant garde on his mind. Of course he does. He's Hans ****ing Kaiser. The next Jurgen Klopp, no matter what that fake-tanned fanboy at Huddersfield claimed to be.
"Lads, we're going to have to make one small detour before I let you off the hook tonight."
Most of the squad look annoyed, some audibly groan, others are genuinely intrigued.
"Now, some of you aren't going to like this, but trust me, it's absolutely for a good cause."

MARC BARTRA: "Where we going, boss?"
"You'll find out. Come on lads, to the bus!"
Most of the squad just look puzzled at this point, but they put down their bags and head to the team bus, which has been arranged for the purpose of this small detour.
Once everyone has boarded, Kaiser says to the driver in a low voice, "Alright mate, we're going to Luigi's. I hear Jurgen liked that place a lot, and the team there know their stuff. I know we could have just used the clippers, but you know... it's class. And I can't wait to see this."
The driver punches in the address to his GPS, and the bus rolls off into the sunset.


 

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oriole01   

Dortmund.png.e7288f705792ad65a767703d1417e7be.pngImage result for bayern munich
Der Klassiker: Chapter Zwei
Bundesliga Week ThreeThe Pre-Game

The Locker Room- Signal Iduna Park
Hans Kaiser enters the locker room minutes before kickoff. He had been in this same situation approximately 5 weeks ago, before the Super Cup. We all know how that ended. Now was the time for change. His eyes pan across the room of men before him, their heads newly shaved. Inevitably, most of them were in vehement opposition of the idea as soon as the bus arrived at Luigi's, but there was a method behind the madness. It wasn't just for giggles. Kaiser had worked out a plan with the chairman to donate a large sum of money to the local cancer treatment clinic, and the derby day at the stadium was dedicated to fighting cancer, highlighted by the shaved heads of the players. That, and he thinks baldness is pretty damn cool. Time to rally the troops again.
"Alright lads, no fancy introduction this time. We're going to beat them today. We played very well last time, and I know we can do that again. We've got the privilege of these home fans again, on a special night like this, so let's do this. How about we show these jaywalking ************* what pride is all about, yeah?"
SOKRATIS: "HELL YEAH!"
"Los!"
WHOLE SQUAD: "Baldness Über Alles! Baldness Über Alles!"

The Tunnel
Hans Kaiser and Carlo Ancelotti meet deep in the tunnel, where the bright lights of the stadium can barely reach. The two men can only see a vague glint of each other, but their presences are overwhelming and they can feel the tension in the air.
ANCELOTTI: "Come on Kaiser, what the hell are you getting at here? You trying to prove you're a better man than me? Sure, it's a nice gesture, but what happens on this pitch is the only thing that matters. Your charity won't get you anywhere if you can't match on the pitch. You're going down again, and no one will be amused. Remember, *points to his coiffed hair again* I'm in the driver's seat."
Kaiser decided to cut to the chase.
"The prophecy's coming true, Carlo. You can't stop it. You can see it on the pitch tonight. You and your Neuer might have gotten by last time, but the baldness is inevitable. Soon you'll be the only stubborn bastard left with hair on his head, it's a revolution mate. The shark told me, change is a given. See you on the pitch."
The two commanders emerge from the darkness and into the technical area, ready to go to war again. Whether the result was a close shave or a full-on shearing, there was a lot more than Germany's hairstyle preferences on the line tonight. Game on.

 

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ManUtd1   

If Ancelotti's Anthropomorphic Eyebrow doesn't feature soon, I'm going to be upset.

giphy.gif 

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oriole01   
Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

If Ancelotti's Anthropomorphic Eyebrow doesn't feature soon, I'm going to be upset.

giphy.gif 

I'm always open to suggestions ;). Maybe something like that can play a role... stay tuned for Chapter Drei.

Edited by oriole01

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oriole01   

Dortmund.png.e7288f705792ad65a767703d1417e7be.pngImage result for bayern munich
Der Klassiker: Chapter Zwei
Bundesliga Week Three- The Post-Game

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Now that is more like it! A ravishing performance against FC Hollywood led to a signature 3-1 win at the Signal Iduna. The game was highlighted by a defensive shutdown of Bayern, as their only highlight all game was their goal. After an uneventful first half, the heat was turned up in the second half, with Kagawa scoring our first goal on 47 after being set up with a beautiful backheel assist from Auba. Vidal's goal shouldn't have happened, as Burki was caught out of position and three of our defenders tried to mark the same guy, allowing for an easy finish. Substitute Matthias Ginter would fire us back into the lead with a scorching volley that Neuer couldn't quite keep out. After that, Auba would finish off the victory with a lovely individual goal. Wonderful scenes on Cancer Awareness Night, and the win was enough to leapfrog Bayern in the table!

Bayern Munich manager Carlo Ancelotti was visibly incensed by the performance of his club and the result, as seen by his incessant kicking of water bottles, profane shouts at his players, and- at least as it appeared on camera- ripping out parts of his own hair. As Dortmund manager Hans Kaiser said after the match, "That's one way to do it." 
Surprisingly to most, but unsurprisingly to Kaiser, quite a few men in the Ruhr made visits to their barber the next Monday...

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oriole01   

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Borussia Dortmund
September 2016

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Quite a busy month in the Ruhr, but it was quite encouraging domestically. Outside of that? Not as much.
We gained a creditable away draw against Gladbach, playing them to a deadlock until the 72nd minute, when Marc Bartra conceded a penalty. Lars Stindl scored it, so we would go attacking and grab the equalizer through Andre Schurrle five minutes later. A good point against a good team.

We had the same result against Legia that we did Gladbach, but this time I expected a lot more in our first Champions League match. Things started well when Aubameyang nabbed a goal on 18, but the Poles would equalize through Vadis Odjidja minutes later. Auba scored again in the second half, and things were looking up for three points, but the hosts would steal a very late equalizer through Michal Kucharczyk's powerful header. I believe my sizable squad rotation cost me some points here, but I needed to keep everyone happy at the same time. Tough balance.

Hamburg was quite the crazy game, with seven goals scored between us. Auba scored early, but young American Bobby Wood cancelled it out five minutes later. Auba and Sebastian Rode combined in the 26th and 27th minute to fire us up to a 3-1 lead, but another first half goal from Nicolai Muller kept it close. Ousmane Dembele scored shortly after the break, and that would end up being the winning goal, despite Hamburg making a game of it again late on with a Filip Kostic goal. I was quite disappointed with the defense, but couldn't say the same on the other side of the pitch.

Augsburg was a straightforward performance that claimed us another three points away from home, but I surely would have liked to score more. Shinji Kagawa got the game's only goal on 36, steering in a shot from open space.

In our second Champions League match, we were shut down by Juventus. Not that I didn't really expect it, either. It was a rather boring match, and despite it being even on the stat sheet we had virtually no opportunities to score and could not break down the strong Juve defense. Juventus took their only big chance towards the end of the first half, with world-class center back Leonardo Bonucci putting in a loopy header that dinked over Roman Weidenfeller and nestled in the back of the net. Our struggles against the group favorites ensured that we took a less-than-optimal opening to our CL campaign. 

Tables
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 In the league, we're flying high; right on pace with other hot-starters Leverkusen and just in front of Bayern who we defeated this month. However, we're bottom of the CL group on goals scored after two games. We have a potentially tricky matchup against Shakhtar next, and if we don't gain all three points we could be in danger of losing out on advancing from the group. Here's hoping we recover our form on the continental side of things. In the Bundesliga, we have a fairly easy run of games in October, as well as our next Pokal tie against Stuttgart.

Los!
 

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oriole01   

Dortmund.png.e7288f705792ad65a767703d1417e7be.png
Borussia Dortmund
October 2016

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October was probably one of the craziest, up-and-down months I've had on a save, as we continue to be strong in the league but shaky elsewhere.
Despite our domination of Köln, we had difficulty finding the back of the net to justify our performance. However, despite spurning numerous chances earlier in the match, Aubameyang was able to score on 79, latching onto a skillful through ball from Sebastian Rode and guiding the ball into the net. That would be enough to see off Köln, who had little to offer in the final third. 

Ingolstadt was a true shocker, as I'm still wondering how we were beaten so comfortably by the Bavarians. Matthew Leckie started the scoring early with a rebounded goal, but Auba would equalize seven minutes later with a perfectly-placed shot. Darwin Lezcano would put them ahead via some help from Roman Burki's shoddy goalkeeping, as it was credited as an own goal. Pascal Groß wouldround off the scoring before half time with a beautiful free kick, and there was nothing further we could do to fight them in the second period.

We were hoping to rebound from the previous loss against Shakhtar in the Champions League, but we were instead lucky to gain any points in the end. Taison scored for the visitors in the 7th minute, albeit through a brilliant strike. Mario Gotze would get us back on terms with a low drive on 38, but in the second half we conceded a poor penalty that was dispatched by Darijo Srna to put them ahead again. It looked like we were headed for a second consecutive disappointing defeat, but Andre Schurrle ripped home a magnificent effort with a minute remaining, giving us a point and consolidating a decent position in the group at the halfway mark.

After they had a man sent off inside of three minutes, struggling Mainz were no match for us. Although it took a respectable amount of time to get off the ground in the scoring department, we wouldn't be held back afterwards. Auba scored on 26 off a devastating counter, megging the keeper as he powered through the Mainz defense. Schurrle would score the second on an easy tap in, and Auba would cap it from the spot for a solid 3-0 win.

The most painful and disappointing result of the month had to be against recently relegated side Stuttgart in the Pokal, as our elimination means I've fallen well short of the board's expectations. We simply could not find a way to beat them, and they were the better team for all 120 minutes. However, it's always gutting to lose a game in the very last of those minutes. Just seconds before we were set to go to penalties, a high through ball unlocked our defense and allowed Daniel Ginczek to run at goal, beating Roman Weidenfeller with the penultimate kick of the game. Squad rotation certainly cost me here, but I was still expecting a win regardless.

Looking to bounce back from the loss, we couldn't stop ourselves from getting involved in our second seven-goal stormer of the season against Freiburg. The first half was explosive. Aubameyang fired in a quick double either side of Janik Haberer's lucky goal, but we took a big blow when Sokratis got himself sent off in just the 16th minute. Haberer scored again to bring it to 2-2, but Auba claimed his hat trick with a cool finish on the run. Our transfer target Max Philipp got a third for the Black Forest club, leading the game into the half at 3-3. The second half was a lot quieter, but we somehow got a fourth goal (and winner) through Christian Gunter, the Freiburg defender's slide tackle on Ousmane Dembele going past the confused keeper and sealing a truly wild victory.

Tables
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We're involved in two very tight races at the moment, one for the top of the Bundesliga and the other for second place in our CL group. Us and Bayern are just a point behind smoking hot Leverkusen at the end of October, with a considerable gap between us and fourth-placed Leipzig. Also overachieving so far are Hoffenheim, Hertha, and Ingolstadt, who seem to have hit peak form after beating us. Rivals Schalke have played some very boring football, and as a result sit in a very boring mid-table position alongside Wolfsburg and Gladbach. Hamburg are (no surprises here) in the relegation playoff position, whilst the last two teams we beat are sitting in the bottom two.
Juventus have been very strong so far, conceding just one goal in three games while we sit level on points with both Shakhtar and Legia. We have just one more home game left, so we need to make sure we focus on getting results away to secure a berth in the Round of 16.

Hans Kaiser's Note:
Everyone's hair has grown back strong as ever after the Bayern game, but with my first Ruhr Derby next month, I want to up the stakes. I shouldn't share exactly what I've got up my sleeve yet, but the baldness will be breathtaking. Unmatched. Schalke won't have a clue what's coming when we show up in Gelsenkirchen. I can't wait.

Los!

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oriole01   

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Borussia Dortmund
November 2016
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A good month all in all, marked by our first win of the Champions League campaign.

I think I have good reason to call Shakhtar Donetsk "The Ultimate Ball-Buster". We were gifted a penalty inside of a minute when Darijo Srna "impeded" Matthias Ginter (this was a bit harsh), so I wasn't too sad to see Aubameyang miss the resulting kick. Srna then got himself sent off on just 16 after a mean tackle on Mario Gotze. Despite being a man up for 74 minutes, we could not score, so I ended up sorely regretting not being more pissed at Auba for missing a pen. We left Ukraine disappointed and our position in the group completely up for grabs.

We claimed a good win against Hertha at the Signal Iduna. Gotze would score the first goal in the 22nd with a decent shot past multiple defenders. However, it was our turn to get a man sent off, as Sebastian Rode lunged in from behind at a Hertha player just minutes later. Aubameyang would score a second goal though afterward, tapping in from a low cross. The away side were able to respond in the second half from a great Valentin Stocker volley, but they didn't have much further to offer afterwards.

We were outplayed on the road by Werder Bremen, who displayed excellent finishing ability. They got the lead early through Max Kruse, albeit from a shot that Roman Burki should have saved. We got an equalizer just seven minutes later, though, with Auba forcing their keeper into an awkward contusion to try, and fail, to save his shot. Shinji Kagawa would score in similar fashion, as their 37-year-old keeper Jaroslav Drobny had a bad day at the office. Bremen's offense would fire back in the second half though, first through former Arsenal man Serge Gnabry's close range volley, and then through captain Clemens Fritz's placed hit. Disappointing, surely, but deserved by our opponents nonetheless.

Heading into our penultimate Champions League group game against Legia, we knew we needed three points to have the best chance of advancing to the knockout stages, as we still had not won a game so far in four attempts. Unfortunately, this was a very boring game, apart from an expert Roman Weidenfeller save in the early goings to keep things at 0-0. It was looking like we were headed for yet another melancholy-inducing draw until Christian Pulisic came on. The 17-year-old American supersub changed everything, firing in two beautiful goals in the 81st and 86th minutes, both assisted by fellow sub Emre Mor. Despite being mostly outplayed by Legia, we ran out with beaming smiles.

We would return to Bundesliga action just three days later, and put out a comprehensive victory over Wolfsburg. Pulisic would continue his fiery form from the last match, smacking in a deflected shot with his first touch. Despite missing an absolute sitter earlier, Aubameyang would come to life later in the second half, dropping in two goals to put Wolfsburg away and keep pace with leaders Bayern.

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2nd place on both fronts. In the league, Bayern are just a point above us and look to be a proper challenge, whilst Leverkusen sit a point behind us and upstarts Leipzig are also looking very dangerous as well, having won five straight league games and moved to just two points behind.
In the CL, our win over Legia put us in a much better position to advance, as we now sit two points above Shakhtar after they drew with leaders Juve. A win on the last day against the Italians will clinch it, and a draw should be enough even if Shakhtar win. I wouldn't put anything past "The Ultimate Ball-Busters" though...

Rounding off November is our first Ruhr Derby, followed by a December which sees our last CL showdown with Juventus and a run-through of top half teams in the Bundesliga before the winter break.

Los!

Edited by oriole01

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oriole01   

Image result for ruhr derbyImage result for ruhr derbyImage result for ruhr derbyImage result for ruhr derby

The Ruhr Derby: Chapter Eins
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Thirteen- The Pre-Game

"Alright men, now once we cross the river we will split into four platoons, two of you will flank the enemy as they emerge from the trees, one will go head on to penetrate, and the last will stay behind and volley the arrows. We've got once shot at this, don't mess up. Oh, and when in doubt, pass to Aubameyang." 
Hans Kaiser's speech on the bus to Gelsenkirchen generated some laughs, some eye rolls, some sighs. No, they weren't at war, but they were entering enemy territory. The tension, nerves, and excitement could be felt on the bus as the Dortmund ensemble moved closer and closer to the VELTINS-Arena. Even for the newest players in the squad, derby day meant something special to everyone, and once they pulled up to the stadium and saw yellow shirts walking by, everyone felt relieved and smiled. Of course there was plenty of blue around too, the home fans looking riled up and hungry for goals as always. Blue flares were visible already in the stadium, despite kickoff being nearly two hours away. Schalke, better known back home as "Smurf ****ers", didn't do too well in the first third of the season, as they sat in 12th place with just two wins from twelve games. However, a game like this would motivate anyone to play their hearts out. That goes without saying in the Ruhr between these two old dogs, whose rivalry traces back to the 1920s and has been very even in the Bundesliga era. Today brought the same glorious atmosphere and passion that every derby brought, but Kaiser felt he had the edge, naturally. Everyone was bald, and even more extremely, he was somehow able to convince the board to force all male supporters to provide "proof of baldness" for a coveted away ticket. Better yet, many women opted to cut their hair short and some even went all the way, too. Not only was more money being donated to local cancer causes, but Schalke fans couldn't help but feel intimidated.  The bald maniac had made his insane project work, and he was all the more confident leading up to kick-off. 

The Tunnel
The noise was deafening outside. 57,000 rabid Schalke fans were baying for blood, and 5,200 bald or near-bald Dortmund fans were making as much racket as they possibly could against the much larger cacophony surrounding them. Just minutes before the managers were set to stride out, Hans Kaiser and Schalke manager Markus Weinzierl met inside the coal-sided tunnel, which Kaiser found both truly impressive yet repulsive at the same time. They were known as "The Miners", after all. Never mind that, he had to stay focused on intimidating the **** out of his counterpart.
Kaiser: "I hope you already know that you'll be crying by the end of this match. Save the tissues for another day."
Wienzierl: "No, no, no. You see this form we've been on? All a front so that we could trojan-horse your ass. Prepare for complete and utter destruction, you proper wankstain!"
"You want to talk about antiquity? After this match your ass is getting sacked. Like Rome. LIKE ****ING ROME, BITCH! PREPARE TO GET VISIGOTHED, **********er! I'M THE GODDAMN KING! I'M THE ****ING EMPEROR! YOUR SMURF EMPIRE'S FALLING HARD, PEASANT! HELL YEAH! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ALLES! BALDNESS ÜBER ****ING ALLES, BITCH!!!"

There was a shocked look on Wienzierl's face after this tirade, as well as on the faces of all three stewards and the 9-year-old ball boy who happened to overhear. It was clear that Hans Kaiser had gone insane. Luckily there were no cameras or reporters around to see this incident for the sole reason of excessive profanity, but it was also unlucky, because it was the moment he became truly legendary...

The two men stride out onto the pitch, one visibly fired up and the other visibly mortified. Game on.

Los! Los! Los!
If any of you are wondering, I'm doing fine. I just like writing about crazy people. Please don't call Interpol.

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Tajerio   

The worst part about a Dortmund save, I find, is that literally all your young phenoms are going to moan about wanting to leave within the first couple of years.  Hopefully Hans can cow them with his ferociously bald pate.

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oriole01   
1 hour ago, ManUtd1 said:

You hear a strange voice, emanating from somewhere above and...behind...you.

"Stay calm.  Interpol has been alerted.  All is well."

As the voice begins to repeat itself ad nauseum, a lively tin-whistle version of "The Girl From Ipanema" begins to play softly.  Without end.

*chills race down spine*

1 minute ago, Tajerio said:

The worst part about a Dortmund save, I find, is that literally all your young phenoms are going to moan about wanting to leave within the first couple of years.  Hopefully Hans can cow them with his ferociously bald pate.

Hi Tajerio, thanks for commenting! Your words do indeed bear truth, as Aubameyang has already expressed interest in moving to PSG and tried to get me to allow him to enter contract talks. I shut him down, much to his disapproval. Hopefully the craziness at Dortmund is inspiring everyone else to stay, though!

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oriole01   

Image result for ruhr derby

The Ruhr Derby: Chapter Eins
"A Feeling Deeper Than Hate"
Bundesliga Week Thirteen- The Post-Game

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Well, that was disappointing. After all the terrifying effort put in by Hans Kaiser to intimidate Schalke into submission, our players couldn't match it on the pitch. The Smurfs broke through first through Franco di Santo, the Argentine slipping a cool finish past Burki on the run. Auba would level things up nine minutes later, with a delicate finish that clinked off the underside of the bar and into the goal. Everything was up for grabs at halftime, but seconds after the restart, di Santo scored again, taking a cross from Breel Embolo and squeezing the ball past Burki and two defenders. We couldn't find a way through in the next 45 minutes, even with the support of a late sending-off from Schalke's Benjamin Stambouli. A deflating loss that sets us back in the league race, but the attention has to turn to the reverse fixture at home in April. Now that's where the real fireworks will go off... just ask Hans.

Los!

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