SPORTS.tv presents: Top2Bottom (FM11)

[toonbalmy87]

could sum1 help me as i cant upload pictures off my laptop for my press release . thanx

you got photobucket yet ?

[kevv2204]

nah forgot lol il do it now

[arkitekt]

Wow, ok sorry I've offended you. I just don't see much point in an opening statement when gcb has already done introductions! This sign up has had me engaged since the very start and I'm just keen to know what happens next! I just found it weird with the hub of excitement and posts in the.beginning and then virtually nothing for days. Again I'm sorry, but I'm still not doing an "opening statement" .

[Sheriff 1993]

Well the thing is Arkitekt you could actually post a statement from your chairman as those of us who haven't had a game yet have done. It only takes a couple of minutes to do.

I agree completely

[kevv2204]

right done n uploaded pix now what kid

[Biscotti]

Wow, ok sorry I've offended you. I just don't see much point in an opening statement when gcb has already done introductions! This sign up has had me engaged since the very start and I'm just keen to know what happens next! I just found it weird with the hub of excitement and posts in the.beginning and then virtually nothing for days. Again I'm sorry, but I'm still not doing an "opening statement" .

As an outside observer, I quite clearly managed to spot the post by GCB that said "I've posted my previews, now give me some press releases stating your feelings".

[kevv2204]

Darlington Rangers open day!

HI! Im ummmmm ummm (looks to assistant) "kane velbrim" yesss yes Im Kane Velbrim manager (chairman) ohhh Chairman of manchester uni (darlington rangers ) what really? Chairman of Darlington Rangers, as you walk around the club you can see that we aim to be the first eco friendly club in cricket (football) um football.

as you can see our stadium is as eco friendly as possible and grows some nice weed ummm i mean weeds hahaha ha ummm, we also have decided to go green on the training equipment we believe this is the future of football in the 19th (21st) what the 21st century?

ok 21st century. our regime has been devised by our secret weapon in the coming season our fitness director mr Chuck Norris chuck will over see the fitness regime of our squad. We shall be hearing from our manager ruud (roberto) aha Roberto Martinez (Mancini) live via sattelite, he has assured me that he is away scouting transfer targets wich are sorely needed to add depth to what is a good nucleaus of a squad. So ladies and gentleman i give you Roberto Mancini!

[kevv2204]

Allo preetty Ladies Roberto here

CUT THE FEED !!!!! CUT THE FEED!!!!

[kevv2204]

MEANT THIS PIC LOL

[arkitekt]

As an outside observer, I quite clearly managed to spot the post by GCB that said "I've posted my previews, now give me some press releases stating your feelings".

And now as the inside observer, it says some press releases, not all. I can read between the lines too.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Been busy, it's coming soon though.

Thanks for the defence, bergtaur. Arkitekt

[ejldude]

Sorry, I've not been active recently. I've just moved to Hong Kong and am still trying to sort my life out here. Doesn't leave me much time to get involved. As soon as I have internet set-up in my place I can contribute more. Still, great thread and I check it as much as I can. =)

[Kenco]

My opening press release is coming soon! I know I said it would be the weekend, but life stuff has got in the way. Hopefully can write it up tonight. Would have liked to have done one of those videos again, but I don't think they are free anymore.

[bergtaur]

Zahorchak Hits Out, Media not Surprised

New Bloc chairman Hryhorii Zahorchak hit out again at chairmen across the Premiership this season in actions hailed by many as typical and boring.

"Why aren't some of these people speaking up," said the controversial New Bloc Chairman. "Are they deaf or mute, or just frightened by the might of New Bloc? If they don't want to talk that's fine, but be rest assured that when I show up in their stadiums with my manager and my team I will show them no mercy. They will be crushed by the awesome might of New Bloc FC and anyone who says otherwise knows where to find me if they want a fight."

Manager Chris Hughton was not available for comment, having gone missing. Many believe that he went back into hiding in the cave he occupied at Villa, so we have reporters at the ready when and if he emerges. As for the words of Zahorchak, they were met with little excitement by the press corp. One reporter said, "It's a story when he doesn't have something to say, get a hold of me then."

That reporter was then seen exiting the hospital two days ago with his arm in a sling. Speculation that it was the doing of the chairman has been vastly denied by New Bloc PR. More on this story and the stories coming out of opening day as they happen right here on NBonline.com

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Sunday August 8th, 2010

BORE DRAW IN COMMUNITY SHIELD!

Calvary F.C. win the first silverware of the season on penalties.

A poor opening game of the season in front of 87,522 at Wembley saw Calvary F.C. lift the Community Shield after they defeated Stratford Rangers on penalties after a dull 0-0 draw in 90 minutes. Calvary F.C. manager Martin O’Neill claimed that his side deserved the victory and had more clear cut chances during the 90 minutes whilst Rangers manager Gianfranco Zola bemoaned the finishing of his strikers after they failed to hit the target at all during the 90 minutes.

A quiet opening 10 minutes came to life when Stratford Rangers did manage to hit the target in the 11th minute – only for the linesman to rule out the goal for offside as Adam Johnson headed home Seamus Coleman’s right wing cross after good work from Joey Barton and Dani Alves. Johnson was guilty of being three yards offside and the goal was rightly ruled out. It took 24 minutes for Calvary to threaten before Sturridge’s low cross from the left was dealt with well by Ben Foster. Three minutes later, Park Ji Sung’s drive was deflected into the path of England striker Darren Bent who advanced on goal, looked certain to score and drove the ball past Foster but just wide of the post as well. Bent again went close on 33 minutes as he turned Alcaraz well after a good ball from Lucas but his stinging drive was turned away well by Foster. A late corner from Joey Barton found Seamus Coleman at the back post but he headed just over Hugo Lloris’ goal to leave the game goalless at the break.

Stratford Rangers upped their game in a dull second half that had a penalty shoot-out written all over it well before the final whistle. Adam Johnson blew the best chance for Rangers when he was slid through by Asamoah Gyan but he fired past Lloris and the post before Gyan hit a curling effort from 25 yards that just missed the target on the hour. The game drifted away with no sign of a goal until injury time when Calvary FC created the best chance of the game. Park Ji Sung’s powerful run down the right led to a deflected cross, the ball fell for new signing Marko Maletic who drove the ball across the six yard box where Darren Bent was waiting four yards out. His effort was spectacularly kept out by Ben Foster who parried it onto the post and Dani Alves cleared the ball to save Rangers and force a penalty shoot out.

Calvary FC won the right to take the first penalty and Darren Bent fired home to make it 1-0 to the Wasps as the crowd saw the net rustle for the first time. Diego Tardelli levelled for Rangers before Park Ji Sung and Thomas Kahlenberg – injured during the match – both scored to make it 2-2. Calvary defender Naldo was the first player to miss as his poor effort was blocked by Foster and Rangers took advantage as Daniel Alves put them in front. Phil Jones and Daniel Sturridge, either side of Kim Kallstrom’s effort, kept Calvary in the shoot out but it fell to Henrique with the chance to secure the trophy for Stratford Rangers. However, his low shot was saved well by Hugo Lloris and the shoot out went into sudden death. Carlos Salcido scored for Calvary, Joey Barton levelled for Rangers, Marko Maletic and Michael Dawson then both scored to take the game to 6-6. Lucas made it 7-6 to Calvary FC and the pressure fell on Adam Johnson who had been poor throughout the game and he was the man to blow it as he hit the bar to give Calvary FC the first silverware of the season. The honour of lifting the Community Shield fell to Calvary FC captain Park Ji Sung and their players celebrated what they hope will be the first of many trophies that they win.

Calvary FC 0-0 Stratford Rangers

Calvary FC win 7-6 on penalties

Calvary FC: Lloris, Diallo, Naldo, Boateng, Salcido, Park ©, Jones, Lucas, Sturridge, Beattie, Bent

(SUBS USED: Maletic for Beattie)

Stratford Rangers: Foster, Dani Alves, Alcaraz, Vermaelen, Rat, Dawson ©, Coleman, Barton, Kallstrom, Johnson, Gyan

(SUBS USED: Kahlenberg for Alcaraz, Collins for Coleman, Tardelli for Rat, Henrique for Gyan)

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Wednesday August 11th, 2010

LOÏC IS THE RÉMY-DY FOR McLEISH!

French striker sinks battling Wycombe in League Cup Round 1.

French striker Loïc Rémy proved the hero for Alex McLeish’s Lowen United in the League Cup tonight as he hit a brace to rescue the Championship club from a goal down to League 2 Wycombe Wanderers at The Field. An early Kevin Betsy gave Wanderers a 1-0 lead in the Round 1 tie but Rémy hit the equaliser before half time before Leigh Griffiths, Darius Vassell and Rémy once more secured a comfortable 4-1 win in the end.

The result was harsh on Wycombe who held their own against their more illustrious opponents and had just as many chances to score goals. However, the superior finishing quality and the goalkeeping skills of Petr Cech ensured that Lowen United won through in the end. The League 2 side took the lead on the half hour as Rendell’s header was blocked well by Cech but KEVIN BETSY pounced to fire home the rebound from six yards out. The frustration of the just under 15,000 crowd was evident but the equaliser came 6 minutes later. After a super save from Cech denied Wycombe a 2-0 lead, Vassell raced away down the right and his cross was perfect for RÉMY to slide home from eight yards. 1-1 at half time and presumably a happier Alex McLeish than he would have been at 2-0 ...

A 58th minute corner for Wycombe led to the second goal for the Championship side. Rémy did his defensive duties as he cleared the corner away to the halfway line where LEIGH GRIFFITHS battled well against McCoy, won the ball and raced clear to make it 2-1 after a brief dally as he attempted to go round the keeper, Nikki Bull. Wanderers were unhappy with the challenge from Griffiths on McCoy that left the defender injured but the referee allowed the goal to stand and it was 2-1 to the hosts. The third came on 65 minutes as Rémy – again – broke away down the right and crossed well for former England striker DARIUS VASSELL to smash home from ten yards. The clinching fourth goal followed on 75 minutes as youngster Keith Weston swung over a free kick and RÉMY rose highest to head in off the post and make it 4-1 to complete the victory and send Lowen United into Round 2 of the competition. With a number of younger players involved, Alex McLeish will be happy to be through to the next round where Lowen United will eagerly await their next opponents in the competition.

Lowen United 4-1 Wycombe Wanderers

Rémy 36, 75, Griffiths 58, Vassell 65 | Betsy 30

Lowen United: Cech ©, Brand, Pritchard, Kinlan, Harris, Vassell, Nafiu, Cross, Weston, Rémy, Griffiths

(SUBS USED: Spencer for Nafiu, Bébé for Rémy, Gibbs for Weston)

Wycombe Wanderers: Bull, McCoy, Westwood, Johnson, Sandell, Ainsworth ©, Lewis, Bloomfield, Foley, Betsy, Rendell

(SUBS USED: Beavon for Betsy, Coid for Rendell, Winfield for McCoy)

Darlington Rangers 1-0 Oxford United

PETER CROUCH scored his first goal for Rangers as he headed home a 9th minute cross from Graham Alexander to secure a place in Round 2 for a strong Rangers side.

Dustin Rovers 3-0 Hereford United

Just under 10,000 watched on as Rovers secured their Round 2 place with a dominant performance at Wastelands that saw a hat trick for striker PETER ODEMWINGIE. An early penalty from the Nigerian was followed by a five yard tap in after Hereford failed to clear a Kolarov corner. In the second half, Odemwingie raced away onto a header forward from Kelly and he calmly slotted home to secure the victory.

Fareham Fallguys 3-0 Leyton Orient

A small crowd of under 6000 at the Creekside Arena as Fareham won comfortably to move into Round 2 as well. An early Di Santo cross was headed home by CHUNG-YONG LEE to put them in front on 9 minutes, DI SANTO headed home a Hitzlsperger free kick on 15 minutes to make it 2-0 and a second half goal from DUANE GRAHAM after confusion in the Orient area confirmed the win.

Ruff FC 1-3 Port Vale

A shock at the Gavestone Arena as a Ruff FC with a young defence crashed out of the competition in Round 1 to a Port Vale side who were in front in the first minute of the match when MARC RICHARDS rounded Begovic and slotted home without the Championship side touching the ball. A 23rd minute header from FREDRIK PIQUIONNE from a Albrighton free kick seemed to sort out Ruff FC but the last few moments of the first half gave them a real mountain to climb. First, Abou Diaby dallied in midfield, Loft sent Richards away again, his shot was blocked but fell into the path of LOFT who made it 2-1 to Vale. And then, on the stroke of half time, young defender Scott Rothwell was sent off for tripping Marc Richards when he was through on goal, a straight red for a professional foul. A second red card followed on 67 minutes as midfielder Charlie Adam was also sent off for Ruff FC – another straight red, this time for a two footed challenge – before Vale clinched the win minutes later. Diaby gave the ball away again, McCombe sent Justin Richards away on the left, the cross came in and LOFT headed home to send Ruff FC crashing out of the League Cup in Round 1 to the dismay of their fans.

Torquay United 1-0 Saku FC

Another big name to crash out in Round 1 at Plainmoor as League 2 Torquay United claimed a major scalp as they eliminated Carlo Ancelotti’s Saku FC. One goal was enough for the Gulls as Nicholson’s 26th minute free kick was headed home from inside the six yard box by MARK ELLIS with the young defence nowhere in sight. Ancelotti will be particularly disappointed with his sides inability to break down a ten man League 2 side though – Chris Zebroski was sent off on 36 minutes for Torquay – and, despite an excellent first day win on Saturday, Saku crash out of the League Cup for this season.

ROUND 2 DRAW

Stevenage Borough vs. DARLINGTON RANGERS

Dagenham & Redbridge vs. NEW BLOC

Sheffield United vs. SHAKHTAR SENSELESS

Scunthorpe United vs. SOLENT GALAXY

Crystal Palace vs. LOWEN UNITED

Torquay United vs. EMURICA FC

Bristol Rovers vs. A1 FC

Charlton Athletic vs. FAREHAM FALLGUYS

Bournemouth vs. CAPITE AD CALCEM

Preston North End vs. WOOTTON WANDERERS

SHIRE FC vs. Southampton

REAL CLIFTON vs. Swindon Town

DOCKLAND SOUTH vs. Port Vale

HORDEN ALL STARS vs. Sheffield Wednesday

CHELSEA AUSTRALIA vs. Brentford

ESSENDON FC vs. Peterborough United

KUDA LAUT GEMILANG vs. Accrington Stanley

DUSTBIN ROVERS vs. Barnsley

SOUTHSEA ATHLETIC vs. Plymouth Argyle

[jimbowmanuk]

Lowen United chairman Ernst Scaramanga was said to be delighted with the performance shown by a young side, with little experience of cup matches. "I said from the moment I appointed Alex Mcleish, that he would be the man to take this club in the right direction. Crystal Palace will be tougher opponents but I've every faith that Alex will get the best out of his team". Quoted the Eye-patch wearing, cat stroking Chairman from his Volcano office.

[MattieCoopz]

Absolutely delighted about the Carling Cup result, and I would very much like to know who this Duane Graham is!

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Friday August 13th, 2010

CALVARY SIGN YOUNG STRIKER!

16 year old French striker joins O’Neill’s side.

Just days after securing the first silverware of the season, Calvary FC boss Martin O’Neill has begun building his side for the future with the acquisition of 16 year old French striker Lenny Nangis from Stade Malherbe Caen for a fee of £1.1m.

After winning the Community Shield last Sunday, O’Neill made his move for the young striker who is expected to impress in the future although he is not expected to make much of an immediate impression on the first team. ‘Lenny is an outstanding young prospect, he is pacy and agile and he has an excellent ability to finish well when he gets chance,’ O’Neill told SPORTS.tv before adding ‘We are expecting big things from him in a few years time.’

Meanwhile, Capite Ad Calcem midfielder Luke Hyam, 18, has joined Tranmere Rovers on loan until January. Hyam joins the League 1 side to get some experience following his recent £800,000 move from Championship side, Ipswich Town, recently.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Absolutely delighted about the Carling Cup result, and I would very much like to know who this Duane Graham is!

16 years and 23 days old, youngest goalscorer in the history of the League Cup now! He is from your youth team and is a player generated by the game. There are a lot of these players who have been generated by the game and until the squads fill up a bit, you'll hear a bit about them.

[bergtaur]

GCB, are those links on FB and Twitter active?

[Greasy Chip Butty]

GCB, are those links on FB and Twitter active?

No, but I wondered how long before somebody tried them!

[bergtaur]

I was wondering because I remember the T2B 2010 twitter profile, wouldn't be out of the question for you to do it again.

[Biscotti]

Not even to the first round of matches in the Premiership yet and already you've outdone yourself, GCB.

Absolutely brilliant format - a delight to read, even for those not involved.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Saturday August 14th, 2010

PREMIER LEAGUE READY TO KICK OFF!

Who will get off to a flying start this season?

Ten Premier League games this weekend as the ‘Greatest League in the World’ kicks off with twenty new teams all looking to put down an early marker as their season kicks off. With all twenty teams a bit of an unknown quantity, the early stages of the season will be interesting as we find out who the title challengers are and who the teams who will be involved in the relegation dog-fight will be. SPORTS.tv will be there every step of the way as we all find out!

With the season about to start, let’s take a look at the team news:

Capite Ad Calcem vs. AFC Slough

The Romans are not at full strength for the visit of Slough as they are missing three key men as the season begins. Zat Knight (broken foot, 4 months) and Gary Cahill (Achilles, 2 weeks) are both missing from the defence whilst midfielder Javier Mascherano is out for 2 months with a hip injury. The Rebels from Slough have defensive worries as well with on loan Mathias Jorgensen (broken ankle, 3 months) and Daniel Agger (broken arm, 4 weeks) both not in contention for the opening game.

Darlington All Stars vs. Wootton Wanderers

The All Stars’ only injury concern as the season opens is Marouane Fellaini who has been out for a month with a sprained ankle. Although he could return for the visit of Wanderers, he is unlikely to having missed a major chunk of pre-season. Wanderers small squad is at full strength and they will be hoping that it remains that way this season!

Discworld vs. Dockland South

Marek Hamsik will miss the opening game of the season for The Discs as he continues to recover from a groin strain that should see him miss the opening 2 weeks of the season. The Discs opponents on the opening day are Dockland South who have a fully fit squad to choose from as they look for a winning start to the Premier League season.

Emurica FC vs. Solent Galaxy

New signing Mariano looks set to miss out for Emurica FC this afternoon with a knee ligament injury that could keep him out for another 7 weeks. Today’s visitors Solent Galaxy have a big problem in goal with Gianluigi Buffon out for the next month with a torn groin muscle that means Marcus Hahnemann will deputise. With new signing Atila Turan struggling with a strained wrist, Galaxy will be hoping to avoid further injuries today.

Essendon FC vs. Calvary FC

Joleon Lescott, Andy Reid and Ibrahim Afellay are all expected to miss out for the Bombers as they open their season today against Community Shield winners Calvary FC. Lescott is out for a month with a sprained ankle whilst Reid (ankle) and Afellay (thigh) should return next week. Calvary FC have no injury worries as they seek to live up to their billing as one of the favourites to win the Premier League this season.

FC Freljord vs. Stratford Rangers

FC Freljord kick off their Premier League campaign with just one injury worry – midfielder Karl Henry will miss the first few weeks of the season with strained knee ligaments. Their opponents on the first day are losing Community Shield side, Stratford Rangers. Right sided midfielder Seamus Coleman will miss the opening six weeks of the season after he broke his arm in the Community Shield but, other than that, Rangers are injury free.

New Bloc vs. Shakhtar Senseless

Forwards Andrey Arshavin and Ishmael Miller are the two injury concerns for New Bloc as they prepare to begin their campaign at home to Shakhtar Senseless on Saturday. A sprained ankle looks set to keep the Russian Arshavin out for the opening few weeks of the season whilst a hernia means that Miller will be out of their first couple of games as well. Senseless will begin the season without four key players: Stephen Carr has a back strain that keeps him out of the opening two fixtures; Steven Pienaar is out for a month with fractured ribs; Pato misses out with a twisted ankle is likely to be out for another fortnight; and Lisandro Lopez is out for another week with a broken wrist. They will be hoping to avoid further injuries when the season starts later.

Real Clifton vs. Chelsea Australia

Another injury crisis is to be found at Real Clifton who also have four players ruled out of their opener with the injury free Chelsea Australia this weekend. Defenders Glen Johnson, Kieran Richardson and England captain John Terry are all out for at least a month whilst French striker Andre-Pierre Gignac is out for four weeks with a damaged knee cap. Chelsea Australia will be hoping to take advantage on the opening day of the season, no doubt.

Shire FC vs. Kuda Laut Gemilang

The Hobbits begin their season at home without three of their attacking options as Robert Snodgrass (strained ankle ligaments, 9 days), Goran Pandev (broken collarbone, 2 months) and Bojan (twisted knee, 8 days) are all out injured for definite. Some of their other forward options will need to step up and ensure that they score the goals needed this weekend against Kuda Laut Gemilang. Kuda Laut are injury free heading into the opening day and they are expected to name a full strength side as they look to open with a win.

Southsea Athletic vs. Rushden Phoenix

Southsea Athletic manager Mark Hughes has confirmed that neither Joe Cole nor Shola Ameobi will be fit to start the season with both men out for a further two weeks. Cole has a sprained ankle whilst Ameobi is suffering with a virus that is limiting his ability to train or participate in matches. Their opponents this Saturday are Rushden Phoenix who have confirmed that defender Laurent Koscielny is out with broken ribs for another week at least whilst Martin Kelly is struggling to recover from bruised ribs in time for the game.

JOIN US FOR THE OPENING PREMIER LEAGUE WEEKEND OF THE SEASON ON SPORTS.tv!

[Nottingham Forest]

Absolute rubbish. How the hell do I pick four injuries .

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Saturday August 14th, 2010

CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM NEWS

Which players are injured ahead of the second round of Championship fixtures?

After the start of the nPower Championship season last week, SPORTS.tv visited the ‘Big 8’ in the Championship to get an update on their injuries and team news ahead of their fixtures this Saturday. With big games coming up on Saturday and beyond, all eight teams will be desperate to avoid an injury crisis despite the early stage of the season with none of the sides wanting to be left behind.

A1 FC

William Gallas (4-5 weeks, strained knee ligaments)

Aaron Ramsey (1 day, dead leg)

DARLINGTON RANGERS

James McCarthy (3 months, broken ankle)

DUSTBIN ROVERS

Fully fit squad!

FAREHAM FALLGUYS

Rafael (2 weeks, groin strain)

Ramires (2 weeks, twisted ankle)

HORDEN ALL STARS

Robert Green (3 days, bruised head)

LOWEN UNITED

Phillipp Lahm (3 months, fractured skull)

Filipe (4 weeks, strained knee ligaments)

Esteban Cambiasso (4-5 weeks, twisted ankle)

Lee Cattermole (3-4 weeks, fractured ribs)

RUFF FC

Fully fit squad!

SAKU FC

David Dunn (5-11 days, fractured wrist)

FIXTURES: Saturday 14th August

A1 FC vs. Sheffield United

Coventry City vs. SAKU FC

DARLINGTON RANGERS vs. Hull City

DUSTBIN ROVERS vs. Millwall

FAREHAM FALLGUYS vs. Middlesbrough

HORDEN ALL STARS vs. Doncaster Rovers

LOWEN UNITED vs. Scunthorpe United

RUFF FC vs. Preston North End

JOIN US FOR ALL THE nPOWER CHAMPIONSHIP ACTION ONLY ON SPORTS.tv!

[MattieCoopz]

Not a massive loss in Ramires or Rafael, but if Eto'o goes down, we'll be left up the creek without a paddle. xD

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Won't be in this much detail all the time but it is the first day of the season so let's have some fun with it ...

Saturday August 14th, 2010

PREMIER LEAGUE RETURNS TODAY!

SPORTS.tv ‘Soccer Saturday’ is back with all the Premier League and Championship action!

With Sid Smash and Hazel Harrison!

SID SMASH: Welcome back to SPORTS.tv and ‘Soccer Saturday’ which is back today as the Premier League kicks off with nine fixtures!

HAZEL HARRISON: Don’t forget that we have eight games in the nPower Championship as well, Sidney, will you?

SID SMASH: Indeed we have, Hazel. Did you have a good summer?

HAZEL HARRISON: I had a great summer, Sid, spent most of it on my back ...

SID SMASH: No change there then, hey?

HAZEL HARRISON: I meant on my back and sunbathing, Sid. As you well know, I prefer hands and knees for other things ...

SID SMASH: And with that, let us move on to today’s games. In the Premier League, we have nine games and it is rather difficult for us to pick any out as we have twenty new teams and nobody knows what to expect really!

HAZEL HARRISON: The only guarantee, Sid, is that I will be the first on the scene with all the scoops.

SID SMASH: I know that, Miss Harrison. Coming up live and exclusive later on SPORTS.tv, we have our first live Premier League game of the season as New Bloc host Shakhtar Senseless at the Verizon International Stadium but first of all, it’s time for kick off around the country. Excited, Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: Always. Who do you think will win the league, Sid?

SID SMASH: Difficult to say, really, it could be any of nineteen teams.

HAZEL HARRISON: Nineteen? Why not twenty?

SID SMASH: Well, it definitely won’t be New Bloc FC in their fancy pink and black shirts will it. I wouldn’t go there for the scoops, Hazel, I doubt that they’ll be willing to let you get close. And have you seen their new away shirts?

HAZEL HARRISON: I have, Sid. Chocolate brown and white, they are.

SID SMASH: Hmm. If you say so.

HAZEL HARRISON: First goal of the afternoon has gone in, Sid. It’s in the nPower Championship at the RICOH Arena!

First blood to the visitors, Hazel! We saw Franck Ribery tearing Ruff FC apart last weekend and he’s up to the same tricks again today. A great one-two on the edge of the area and he slid in SEYDOU KEITA who smashed it home.

Coventry City 0-1 Saku FC (Keita, 6)

SID SMASH: Great start there for Saku FC who were knocked out of the League Cup at Torquay in midweek. No problems in the Championship though!

HAZEL HARRISON: Franck Ribery looking impressive as well, Sid. Goal in the Premier League, Sid. First one of the season and it has come at the Skerne Field, home of Darlington All Stars ...

Thanks, Hazel, the first goal of the Premier League season has been scored here at Skerne Field today and it’s gone to the visitors, Wootton Wanderers. Carlos Vela did well to link with his strike partner with a lovely through ball and LUKAS PODOLSKI dribbled past Victor Valdes before sliding the ball home to put Wanderers in front.

Darlington All Stars 0-1 Wootton Wanderers (Podolski, 7)

SID SMASH: Lukas Podolski scores the first Premier League goal of the season, Hazel. Ever met him?

HAZEL HARRISON: Not yet but I’ve always wanted to. Maybe I’ll visit him at Wootton soon. Another goal in the Championship, Sid. Saku FC were shocked in the cup in midweek and they’re 1-0 up already; well, Ruff FC have done the same at the Gavestone Arena haven’t they, Craig Brown?

Indeed they have, Wee Hazel. Ruff FC won a corner doon the right, Martin Petrov whipped it in, former Preston player Sean St. Ledger poked it at goal but it was saved on the line. However, Italian striker GIAMPAOLO PAZZINI was on hand to smash it home from three yards out.

Ruff FC 1-0 Preston North End (Pazzini, 9)

SID SMASH: Second goal of the season for Pazzini, Hazel, he scored at Saku FC in that thriller that was live on SPORTS.tv!

HAZEL HARRISON: He was, Sid. 5-3 it finished but the defence was awful.

SID SMASH: Great excitement though!

HAZEL HARRISON: I prefer to keep it tight at the back, Sid. Anyway, back to Craig Brown at Gavestone Arena, another goal there!

Yeah, Ruff FC look to have put their shaky start behind them, Hazel, they’ve made it 2-0 and it is PAZZINI again who has got the goal. Another corner from the right to the far post, this time from Pranjic, Alex headed goalwards and the Italian got a little flick in front of the keeper and it is 2-0 to the hosts.

Ruff FC 2-0 Preston North End (Pazzini, 12)

SID SMASH: Quick-fire double from Pazzini and Ruff FC are on their way to a much needed win even at this early stage of the season. Where next Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: The Colonial Stadium, Emurica FC are at home to Solent Galaxy and there has been a goal there ...

Goal here, chaps, it has gone to the home side, Emurica FC! Short free kick into the feet of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, he played a clever ball in between the central defender and the full back for CLINT DEMPSEY coming off the right wing and he buried it in the near corner. Nearly as beautiful as my perm it was ...

Emurica FC 1-0 Solent Galaxy (Dempsey, 13)

SID SMASH: Alan Brazil and his perm, I’d forgotten that! Clint Dempsey’s last goal was ‘that’ goal past Robert Green in the World Cup over the summer so it’s good to see that he is scoring proper goals again now!

HAZEL HARRISON: Alan Brazil, the guy with the perm and the really tight shorts, wasn’t he? I remember him. Anyway, Sid, back to the football. We’ve got a goal in the Championship at The Fire Oven. A1 vs. Sheffield United, Kevin Blackwell is there for us!

And my old club are behind here, Hazel. A1 FC have taken the lead on the quarter hour mark. A1 FC, passing the ball on the floor far too much for my liking, attacking down the left, Figueroa laid it off and YOANN GOURCUFF hit it low and hard from 25 yards past Steve Simonsen and into the corner of the net.

A1 FC 1-0 Sheffield United (Gourcuff, 15)

SID SMASH: A decent opening day point at Derby County on the opening day of the season for A1 FC and now they’re in front at home. Where next Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: We’d better head off to Horden Park, home of the All Stars who are facing Doncaster Rovers today. Dave Penney is there for us.

After a dominant start to the game by the Horden All Stars, they have made the pressure tell and have opened the scoring here, Hazel. Doncaster play some lovely football but what can you do when Lionel Messi runs at you and slips the ball through to STEVEN GERRARD? Gerrard buries it in the corner, that is what happens!

Horden All Stars 1-0 Doncaster Rovers (Gerrard, 15)

SID SMASH: Doncaster Rovers up against Messi and Gerrard, whatever next?!

HAZEL HARRISON: Gerrard and Messi, I wouldn’t mind being up against them, Sid. Another goal in the Championship, this time at the Creekside Arena!

Well, Hazela, it issa goal for Fare-ham here against Boro, my old club. Zabaleta crossed za ball from za right, Steele couldn’t catch it and SAMUEL ETO’O scores for Fare-ham.

Fareham Fallguys 1-0 Middlesbrough (Eto’o, 17)

SID SMASH: Who had the idea to have Juninho as a commentator for SPORTS.tv Hazel? Absolute genius!

HAZEL HARRISON: We owed him a favour, Sid. He, well, I, well, we errm ... Oh, there’s been a goal in the Premier League. FC Freljord are at home to Stratford Rangers and are being watched by Alan Smith ...

First goal of the season for Stratford Rangers, Hazel, what a belter it was as well! Joey Barton found the new signing DIEGO TARDELLI on the edge of the area, he got away from the defender, turned towards goal and struck it sweet as you like into the top corner of the net from 25 yards out. No chance for Pepe Reina, Stratford Rangers are in front!

FC Freljord 0-1 Stratford Rangers (Tardelli, 19)

SID SMASH: Just seen it on the monitors, what a goal that was!

HAZEL HARRISON: Time for our first break of the day, I think, Sidney!

SID SMASH: Join us after the break for the action as we approach half time.

HAZEL HARRISON: See you in a minute!

[cookie15]

GCB - Great start mate! Disappointed that we couldn't win the Community Shield, but I'm not surprised seeing the formation!A good half time lead with a goal from Tardelli, nice to hear it was a belter!

[Kenco]

Sports.tv: Good morning. I am stood here outside the newly built Coliseum, home of the brand new Barclays Premier League team Capite Ad Calcem. With me is the man behind this exciting new team, chairman Non Compos Mentos, and the man he is hoping can guide this team to success, Liverpool legend Kenny Dalglish.

Mr Mentos, firstly I'd like to say what a fantastic stadium you have here. You must be very proud.

Non Compos Mentos: Thank you. I build it with my own two hands.

Stv: It's obviously been a very busy summer, can you tell why you have invested so much time and money to compete in the Premier League?

NCM: Because it is the greatest league in the world, and I want us to be the greatest team in the world. I have built this club from top to bottom, and firmly believe we can dominate the world.

Stv: The man stood next to you, Kenny Dalglish is your new manager. How pleased are you to have someone with his experience to lead your team?

NCM: I am delighted to have appointed Kenny. He was always my first choice, the only man capable of leading such a team. Apart from Iain Dowie.

Stv: Kenny, how happy are you to be here?

Kenny Dalglish: mumble mumble mumble mumble, mumble mumble mumble.

Stv: Erm, do we have an interpreter?

KD (via interpreter): I am delighted to be here, Mr Mentos has done a fantastic job here and I'm looking forward to getting the season going.

Stv: Can you tell us a bit about your squad?

KD: Well the random drafting was an interesting process, but I feel we have a decent mix of experience and promising youth, with a couple of world class players to boot. Javier Mascherano is going to lead the team, but he is currently out with a hip problem so Jamie will take charge for the time being. There is he now. JAMIE!! COME HERE A SEC!!

Stv: Hi Jamie, what do you think of your new team?

Jamie Carragher: ay ay, but dey do doh don't dey doh.

Stv: Errrmm, we need another interpreter!

JC (via interpreter): It's fantastic, the facilities here are great, and the opportunity to work with Kenny is a dream come true for a lifelong Everto- I mean, Liverpool fan.

Stv: I see you are modelling the new kit, what do you think?

JC: Well it's nice to be in red again, makes it easier to pick out my teammates. I'm looking forward to linking up with Masch and Dirk again, and we have some really good signings, including Jamie O'Hara over there in the away kit.

Stv: Hi Jamie O. Can I just say your missus is really tidy.

Jamie O'Hara: Thanks, but don't you have any football related questions?

Stv: No. (turns back to Kenny Dalglish) So Kenny, what do you think about your first few games?

(Jamie O'Hara storms off)

KD: Well we have a tricky opening game against AFC Sluff, but I think we can cause them a few problems too.

Stv: Do you mean AFC Slough?

KD: That's what I said.

Stv: Okay. And the league cup, you've been drawn away to Bournemouth?

KD: Yes, Bournemouth is a lovely place, I'm looking forward to heading there, hopefully will be a nice summer's day so we can go to the beach before the game.

Stv: Okay. Well Mr Compos, Kenny, Jamie, I wish you all the best for the coming season. So, can Capite Ad Calcem might not be one of the fancied teams in the top to bottom league, but everybody here is confident they can go from bottom to top. What do you think? Tune in to Sports.tv this season to find out. Back to the studio.

[MattieCoopz]

Intriguing beginning to that match against Boro, hope it continues!

[glennuk]

First Silverware for the club in a season where alot of silverware may appear in the trophy cabinet

[Dave.]

No goals yet in Southsea Athletic's game... Torres will provide some though.

[Sheriff 1993]

Great Start GCB Lets hope Rushden Phoenix can get a win even though all my defenders are either injured or terrible

[fyrros]

What happens in the second half? :P

Suspense is killing me ^^

[Greasy Chip Butty]

What happens in the second half? :P

Suspense is killing me ^^

Here ...

Saturday August 14th, 2010

SPORTS.tv ‘SOCCER SATURDAY’!

With Sid Smash and Hazel Harrison!

SID SMASH: Welcome back to SPORTS.tv, this is ‘Soccer Saturday’ on the opening day of the Premier League season, halfway through the first half here.

HAZEL HARRISON: Goal in the Championship, The Field and Brian Laws ...

Thanks Hazel, it is a goal for the home side, Lowen United take the lead here against Scunthorpe United who will be very upset over the defending for the goal. Juan Manuel Mata’s corner from the right and a free header from four yards for MOUSSA DEMBELE who found the bottom corner, 1-0 to Lowen United!

Lowen United 1-0 Scunthorpe United (Dembele, 26)

SID SMASH: Moussa Dembele puts Lowen United in front, they will hope they can build on that as they approach half time. Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: Penalty at the Colonial Stadium where Emurica were leading 1-0 at home to Solent Galaxy ... Back to Alan Brazil ...

Yes, penalty for the home side here, a chance for Emurica to go two up on the opening day within half an hour. Lee Bowyer’s low cross into Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Jonas Olsson tripped him as he looked to head for goal, looked a soft one and the Galaxy defenders are unhappy ... the decision stands though. It’s going to be Robbie Keane for Emurica ... up against Marcus Hahnemann ... up he steps ... KEANE scores, hits the bottom corner, 2-0 to Emurica!

Emurica 2-0 Solent Galaxy (Keane pen, 28)

SID SMASH: A great start to the season for Emurica who SPORTS.tv did predict to struggle this season but on this form we’re looking like being wrong here!

HAZEL HARRISON: Second goal in the Championship game at the Creekside Arena, Fareham Fallguys were a goal up thanks to Samuel Eto’o, back to Juninho!

Middlesbrough are level here at Creekside Arena, guys. Brede Hangeland with a bad clearance, Marvin Emnes’ cross finds MICKAEL TAVARES and he managed to hit it home past Kirkland. 1-1 here!

Fareham Fallguys 1-1 Middlesbrough (Tavares, 29)

SID SMASH: Good response from ‘Boro at Creekside Arena, Tavares with his first goal since his loan move from Hamburg ... Hazel, another goal?

HAZEL HARRISON: Yes, Sid, first goal of the season for Essendon or Calvary FC? Charlie Nicholas is at Windy Hill ...

Calvary FC won the Community Shield without a goal last weekend but they have managed to hit the net here with the first goal this afternoon. Park Ji-Sung found ROBIN VAN PERSIE on the edge of the box, he turned and fired past Craig Gordon into the bottom corner, his first for the club.

Essendon FC 0-1 Calvary FC (Van Persie, 29)

SID SMASH: Robin Van Persie with his first goal of the season for Calvary FC, they prove that they can score as well!

HAZEL HARRISON: Ruff FC vs. Preston North End, 2-0 to Ruff FC when we last were there, third goal now at the Gavestone Arena ...

And Preston North End are back in the game, Hazel, they’ve got it back to 2-1 here. Paul Hayes with the sliding ball through and NATHAN ELLINGTON strode clear and fired low and hard past Begovic to get one back ...

Ruff FC 2-1 Preston North End (Ellington, 29)

... Hang on, another chance here, great run from Ellington, good save from Begovic, danger not over, low cross from Treacy ... ELLINGTON has a second goal, 2 in 2 minutes for North End! Ellington pokes the ball past Begovic and they are back level at 2-2!

Ruff FC 2-2 Preston North End (Ellington, 30)

SID SMASH: Wow! Great 2 minutes for Nathan Ellington and Preston North End there, they have fought back from 2-0 down to level against Ruff FC ...

HAZEL HARRISON: Horden Park, second goal there ...

Yeah, thanks Hazel, it is 2-0 to Horden All Stars now and it is a first goal for the club for one LIONEL MESSI, he was first onto a loose ball, strode past Mark Wilson and tucked the ball into the far corner, no chance for Sullivan. All Stars looking comfortable now!

Horden All Stars 2-0 Doncaster Rovers (Messi, 33)

SID SMASH: Lionel Messi’s first goal for Horden All Stars, the first of many in all likelihood, Horden All Stars looking good there.

HAZEL HARRISON: Another goal at Windy Hill ... 2-0 to Calvary or an equaliser for Essendon?

A second goal for Calvary FC and a second goal for ROBIN VAN PERSIE! A corner for Essendon who do not deserve to be 2-0 down, cleared up field and Emmanuel Eboue failed to make the clearance ... Van Persie beat him to it and then strode clear of Craig Cathcart before slamming the ball past Craig Gordon, 2-0 to Calvary FC!

Essendon FC 0-2 Calvary FC (Van Persie, 34)

SID SMASH: Two goals in five minutes for Robin Van Persie as Calvary FC go 2-0 up at Essendon. Great start, so it seems, for Martin O’Neill’s men.

HAZEL HARRISON: Unbelievable start to the game at the Gavestone Arena, Ruff FC were 2-0 up, Preston North End got two goals in two minutes to make it 2-2 and there has been a fifth goal now. Craig Brown?

Preston North End have completed the turnaround, they lead 3-2 now here and the Ruff FC players look desperate for half time now! Taylor got away down the right, his cross was deflected but that caught out Asmir Begovic who was out of position and PAUL HAYES managed to hook the ball into the unguarded right hand side of the goal!

Ruff FC 2-3 Preston North End (Hayes, 34)

SID SMASH: Unbelievable comeback from Preston, can they now go on and secure the three points there against Ruff FC?

HAZEL HARRISON: Creekside Arena now again, Sid, Fallguys were level at 1-1 with Middlesbrough, third goal. Juninho, who has got it?

It has gone to Fare-ham Fallguys, Hazel my dear, Charles N’Zogbia’s cross from the left and sliding it home at the back post was MILOS KRASIC to send the home fans crazy with joy!

Fareham Fallguys 2-1 Middlesbrough (Krasic, 36)

SID SMASH: Milos Krasic’s first goal for Fareham Fallguys since his £13m move from CSKA Moscow, we’re heading towards half time now, who will be able to add something before half time?

HAZEL HARRISON: Southsea Athletic up against Rushden Phoenix in the Premier League at Pelham Road, first goal has been scored. Phil Thompson is there for us.

Three minutes before half time, Southsea Athletic are behind here at their home ground as Rushden Phoenix go in front and what a stunner it was. Leon Osman and John Obi Mikel did well on the left and Mikel laid it off to BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER from 25 yards straight into the top corner. Phoenix in front just before half time!

Southsea Athletic 0-1 Rushden Phoenix (Schweinsteiger, 42)

SID SMASH: Absolute stunning goal there, catch that later on TV!

HAZEL HARRISON: Lowen United were 1-0 up against Scunthorpe United, The Field has seen a second goal now ...

Second goal for Lowen United, Hazel, again it was created by Spanish winger Juan Manuel Mata, his cross from the left and MAROUANE CHAMAKH glanced the header into the corner to make it two.

Lowen United 2-0 Scunthorpe United (Chamakh, 43)

SID SMASH: Mata creates both goals, Dembele with the first, Chamakh with the second, looks like Lowen United are on their way to a good win there.

HAZEL HARRISON: Goal at Underhill Stadium, Shire FC at home to Kuda Laut Gemilang, which way has it gone? Barry Venison is there!

The goal has gone the way of Shire FC and it has been scored by GABRIEL AGBONLAHOR with a cool finish. Agbonlahor picked the ball up from a corner, some neat passing on the edge of the box, slid in for Agbonlahor and he rounded the keeper to score the first of the season for Shire FC!

Shire FC 1-0 Kuda Laut Gemilang (Agbonlahor, 44)

SID SMASH: Heading into injury time now, half time moments away.

HAZEL HARRISON: Goal in injury time at Horden Park, Horden All Stars were 2-0 up against Doncaster Rovers ...

... And now it is 3-0 to Horden All Stars, Hazel. Bit of a fluke but they won’t care, down the left wing, RORY DELAP with the cross and it sailed over Sullivan and dropped into the back of the Doncaster Rovers goal ... Fluke but now three goals up!

Horden All Stars 3-0 Doncaster Rovers (Delap, 45)

SID SMASH: Rory Delap scoring his first goal for Horden All Stars there, any more goals before half time Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: No goals, Sid, but a red card!

Emurica FC are 2-0 up here at the Colonial Stadium, Hazel, now they’re a man up as well. Jonas Olsson, who was booked earlier when he tripped Ibrahimovic for the penalty, has received his second yellow card for an innocuous foul on Dempsey and he is now off. Solent Galaxy are down to ten men and they’ll do well to get anything out of this game now!

Emurica FC 2-0 Solent Galaxy (Olsson sent off, 45)

SID SMASH: Half time whistles going around the country, let’s have the half time scores in the Premier League ...

Capite Ad Calcem 0-0 AFC Slough

Darlington All Stars 0-1 Wootton Wanderers

Discworld 0-0 Dockland South

Emurica FC 2-0 Solent Galaxy

Essendon FC 0-2 Calvary FC

FC Freljord 0-1 Stratford Rangers

Real Clifton 0-0 Chelsea Australia

Shire FC 1-0 Kuda Laut Gemilang

Southsea Athletic 0-1 Rushden Phoenix

HAZEL HARRISON: In the Championship, these are the half time scores ...

A1 FC 1-0 Sheffield United

Coventry City 0-1 Saku FC

Darlington Rangers 0-0 Hull City

Dustbin Rovers 0-0 Millwall

Fareham Fallguys 2-1 Middlesbrough

Horden All Stars 3-0 Doncaster Rovers

Lowen United 2-0 Scunthorpe United

Ruff FC 2-3 Preston North End

SID SMASH: Half time around the country, we’ll be back with the second half after the break.

HAZEL HARRISON: Make sure you come back!

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Just to let you all know that I am keeping track of who does what in this thread.

If you don't post, expect very little about your team in my updates.

If you post little one line things, expect one line things about your team from me.

If you get into the spirit of the thread and join in, you will hear more about your team.

[bergtaur]

And I continue to wait for MOTD, GCB do you mind that I continue to heel it up against Sid? Also, if you are thinking of bringing that sexy Hazel interview back around I'd love to do one.

[Greasy Chip Butty]

And I continue to wait for MOTD, GCB do you mind that I continue to heel it up against Sid? Also, if you are thinking of bringing that sexy Hazel interview back around I'd love to do one.

Hazel can be arranged for an interview if you like ... I'll PM you about that.

Saturday August 14th, 2010

SPORTS.tv ‘SOCCER SATURDAY’!

With Sid Smash and Hazel Harrison!

SID SMASH: Welcome back to SPORTS.tv for ‘Soccer Saturday’ where the first half of the Premier League season is now complete. How will the sides fare in the second half of their opening games?

HAZEL HARRISON: We’ve got a goal at the RICOH Arena, Sid. Saku FC got the first goal of the day there, the first goal of the second half has come there too. Let’s get over to RICOH Arena ...

And it is a second goal for Saku FC as well, Hazel, Essien and Suarez combining to send ASHLEY YOUNG clear, his pace made him unstoppable and he found the bottom corner with ease. 2-0 to the visitors!

Coventry City 0-2 Saku FC (Young, 46)

SID SMASH: Ashley Young’s first goal for his new club, Saku FC. They look to be on their way to three points at the RICOH Arena.

HAZEL HARRISON: First goal of the game at Neasham Park, Darlington Rangers at home to Hull City today, Dean Windass is there for us.

Goal has been scored by the home team, Darlington Rangers are one up, Hazel. Modric with the ball through and from a tight angle, ALBERTO AQUILANI drives the ball home past Duke and in off the far post. Great finish. Just one point here, guys, Sergio Aguero has gone off injured, an ankle injury, looks like it could keep him out for a few weeks.

Darlington Rangers 1-0 Hull City (Aquilani, 47)

SID SMASH: Thanks for that, Deano, Aguero injured but Darlington Rangers are a goal up at Neasham Park.

HAZEL HARRISON: Poor Sergio, I’m happy to go and look after him if he wants me to. Another goal at the RICOH Arena, are Saku FC out of sight or are Coventry City back in the game?

Three nil to Saku FC, Hazel. Free kick curled into the area by Franck Ribery and SANDRO rose highest, powerful header into the corner of the net. Great start to the season for Saku FC, eight goals scored now. Saku FC 3-0 to the good.

Coventry City 0-3 Saku FC (Sandro, 52)

SID SMASH: Great start for Saku FC, Hazel, they look set for a promotion challenge. Where next?

HAZEL HARRISON: Back to the Colonial Stadium, Emurica FC were 2-0 up against Solent Galaxy at half time and Galaxy were down to ten men. Third goal there, who has got it?

Game over here, Hazel, 3-0 to Emurica FC now and it has been scored by that man ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC, Kalou with the cross to the near post and he flicked the ball home with his head. You really fear for Galaxy now, 3-0 down away from home and a man down, this could end up embarrassing here.

Emurica FC 3-0 Solent Galaxy (Ibrahimovic, 60)

SID SMASH: Awful start to the season for Solent Galaxy but a great one for Emurica FC ...

HAZEL HARRISON: Skerne Field now, Darlington All Stars are level against Wootton Wanderers, Ian Rush?

They are indeed, Hazel, wonderful goal to level things up. Makoun’s cross to the far side of the area, Malouda nodded it on and JERMAIN DEFOE stooped to head past the keeper, 1-1 now here at Skerne Field.

Darlington All Stars 1-1 Wootton Wanderers (Defoe, 60)

SID SMASH: Things are going goal crazy on the hour, Hazel, another goal now?

HAZEL HARRISON: Back to the RICOH Arena, Saku FC were 3-0 up ...

A little glimmer of hope for Coventry City, Hazel, MARLON KING has pulled one back for them. He picked up the ball from Bell on the corner of the box and hit a stunning drive that managed to fizz past Brad Friedel at his near post. Good goal for King, Coventry back in it just about!

Coventry City 1-3 Saku FC (King, 60)

SID SMASH: The Sky Blues looking for a remarkable comeback there at the RICOH Arena, similar to what Preston North End have done at Ruff FC this afternoon.

HAZEL HARRISON: Over to the Flying Turtle now, Sid, first goal of the day there as Discworld host Dockland South, which way has it gone?

Home side are in front, Hazel, they had Tomas Rosicky injured in the first half but couldn’t get a goal despite being in firm control. However, Bakary Sagna’s run allowed time and space for CARLOS TEVEZ to curl a wonderful strike past Kuszczak in the Dockland goal and the Discs lead 1-0 just after the hour!

Discworld 1-0 Dockland South (Tevez, 62)

SID SMASH: Brilliant strike from Tevez, a goal worthy of winning any game but will it be enough for the Discs in their first home game of the season?

HAZEL HARRISON: Third goal at Field, Lowen United led 2-0 over Scunthorpe United, Brian Laws, is it 3-0?

It sure is, Scunthorpe United just cannot cope with the attacking prowess of the Lowen United side and particularly Juan Manuel Mata. His run down the left was unstoppable, his cross found CHAMAKH and he chested it down and volleyed home on the run, it is all over here at the Field, Lowen United have six points from two games!

Lowen United 3-0 Scunthorpe United (Chamakh, 66)

SID SMASH: Just hearing that Essendon FC’s day has gotten worse, Emmanuel Eboue has gone off injured in their game with Calvary FC where they are 2-0 down so far.

HAZEL HARRISON: Darlington All Stars and Wootton Wanderers were level moments ago when Jermain Defoe scored for All Stars, there has been another goal, which way has it gone?

Hazel, it has gone the way of the visitors, Wootton Wanderers retake the lead just 9 minutes after they lost it and again it is LUKAS PODOLSKI who has scored it. Horrendous mistake from Victor Valdes in the Darlington All Stars goal as he came out for a long, hopeful ball forward from Pedretti, Podolski beat him to it and couldn’t believe his luck as he rolled it into the empty net. Cracking game, it could still go either way!

Darlington All Stars 1-2 Wootton Wanderers (Podolski, 69)

SID SMASH: Poor goalkeeping from Valdes and I doubt the German striker has ever scored an easier goal than that!

HAZEL HARRISON: Well, Sid, Ruff FC were 2-0 up against Preston North End but three goals in six minutes saw the Lilywhites comeback to lead 3-2 at Gavestone Arena. More news from Craig Brown ...

Ruff FC are piling on the pressure as they look for an equaliser, Hazel, Preston North End defending valiantly but their job has just been made more difficult by the referee. Diego Forlan on the left wing and he was tackled late by David Gray who has been given a straight red card. Preston lead 3-2 but are down to ten men!

Ruff FC 2-3 Preston North End (David Gray sent off, 72)

SID SMASH: Heading into the final 20 minutes of the matches now, we’ll be back in a moment with all the excitement as the teams go looking for points today. Join us when we return!

[Greasy Chip Butty]

Saturday August 14th, 2010

SPORTS.tv ‘SOCCER SATURDAY’!

With Sid Smash and Hazel Harrison!

SID SMASH: Welcome back to ‘Soccer Saturday’ as we enter the final quarter of an hour here on the opening day of the season in the Premier League. Who will be able to score late goals to earn a victory or snatch a point?

HAZEL HARRISON: Another goal at the Colonial Stadium, Sid. Alan Brazil has the details ...

14 minutes left, Hazel, Emurica FC have gotten sloppy and they have let Solent Galaxy back into the game here. Vidal and Zigic combined on the break and the big striker fed the ball into the path of DIMITAR BERBATOV who sidefooted home to give the Galaxy fans some hope.

Emurica FC 3-1 Solent Galaxy (Berbatov, 76)

SID SMASH: Thanks for that, Alan, three of our games have yet to see a goal ... or maybe just two now, Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: The Coliseum, Premier League, Capite Ad Calcem against AFC Slough, the deadlock has been broken ...

DAVID BENTLEY has scored it, Hazel, but before the Slough fans get too excited ... he has scored it at the wrong end of the ground! Zhirkov’s corner from the left for Capite Ad Calcem found Kolo Toure and his free header was going in the far corner, Jamie Carragher put the pressure on Bentley as he attempted to clear it and the ball ended up squeezing in the corner of the net. Terrible luck for AFC Slough but I doubt the Romans care a jot!

Capite Ad Calcem 1-0 AFC Slough (Bentley og, 78)

SID SMASH: Terribly unfortunate for David Bentley but not for Capite Ad Calcem who lead in a dull, tight game there at the Coliseum. Is there any way back for AFC Slough?

HAZEL HARRISON: Deadlock broken at Wastelands as well, Sid, Dustbin Rovers home to Millwall in the Championship. Steve Claridge is there!

Poor game here, Hazel, not the greatest to watch but at least we now have a goal. Dustbin Rovers have got it and they just about deserve it. Mulumbu out to the left, Whittingham’s low cross and STEPHANE SESSEGNON got in front of the defender to fire home from four yards out at the far post. At last we have a goal!

Dustbin Rovers 1-0 Millwall (Sessegnon, 80)

SID SMASH: The French winger playing in what looks like the French kit there at Wastelands, he scores and it is 1-0 to Rovers.

HAZEL HARRISON: We won’t see a 0-0 draw at all today, Sid, the final game without a goal has got one now! Real Clifton home to Chelsea Australia at The Park ... Gabby Yorath is there ...

Thanks, Hazel, a tight and scrappy game here, neither side deserves to win it but it looks like Real Clifton will as they are in front. Van Der Vaart with the corner, MACHEDA with the header from six yards that just about trickled into the net and we have our first goal as well.

Real Clifton 1-0 Chelsea Australia (Macheda, 81)

HAZEL HARRISON: Thinks she can get my job no doubt by flirting with you, Sid ...

SID SMASH: Errr, Hazel, we’re back on air. Thanks, Gabby. 1-0 to Real Clifton and they are ten minutes away from a home win to start their season off.

HAZEL HARRISON: Sorry about that, Sid. Final few minutes of the games now, Lowen United have extended their lead to 4-0, Brian Laws ...

They have indeed, Hazel. And it is a hat-trick for MAROUANE CHAMAKH on his home debut for the club. Once again, Juan Manuel Mata with the assist, his fourth of the game, Chamakh heading home his corner to seal the win. 4-0, seven minutes remaining.

Lowen United 4-0 Scunthorpe United (Chamakh, 83)

SID SMASH: Dominant display from Lowen United, they look like they mean business!

HAZEL HARRISON: Goal at Pelham Road, Rushden Phoenix were leading 1-0 at Southsea Athletic, a second goal has been scored ...

The home fans ... are drifting to the exits, Hazel, 2-0 to Rushden Phoenix with 5 minutes remaining. Another stunning strike from outside the box, 25 yards ish, from BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER who rattles this one along the ground and into the corner, no chance for Shay Given on either goal. Southsea Athletic do not deserve to lose this game but it looks like they will do.

Southsea Athletic 0-2 Rushden Phoenix (Schweinsteiger, 85)

SID SMASH: Two stunners from the German midfielder, Bastian Schweinsteiger, what a debut for him today. Big news from the Gavestone Arena, Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: Yeah, it was 3-2 to ten man Preston, there has been another goal ...

Equaliser for Ruff FC, Parker and Pazzini setting up ABOU DIABY to fire it low and hard past the keeper, Andy Lonergan, who should have done better, I think. Preston North End unlucky not to hold on but it had been coming for a while ... Can they hold on for a point?

Ruff FC 3-3 Preston North End (Abou Diaby, 86)

SID SMASH: ‘Ruff’ justice on Preston North End ...

HAZEL HARRISON: Oh dear, that is terrible, Sid. Let’s move on, shall we? Extraordinary developments at Skerne Field, Ian Rush!

Yes, Hazel, Wootton Wanderers still lead 2-1 here but they have just been reduced to NINE men! First of all, LUKAS PODOLSKI lunged in on Raul Albiol and was quite rightly sent off with a straight red card and then his strike partner CARLOS VELA got involved with a tirade of abuse at the referee, he was given a second yellow card and now he is off as well. Wootton Wanderers’ strikers both sent off, good job they’ve already got the goals that might win it although they have a tense few minutes to hang on now! Darlington All Stars have been pressing and they should be level, can they get the goal now against nine men?

Darlington All Stars 1-2 Wootton Wanderers (Podolski and Vela sent off, 86)

SID SMASH: Ridiculous from both strikers, manager Paul Lambert will be furious with Podolski and Vela there. But Podolski’s goals mean that they still lead 2-1!

HAZEL HARRISON: Essendon and Calvary FC now, it was 2-0 to Calvary ...

Game over now, Hazel. Most of the crowd here at Windy Hill are heading home, poor defending from a corner, WAYNE ROONEY heads home at the near post, Calvary lead 3-0 and, to be quite honest, Essendon have done enough to deserve a point, the difference in strikers making the difference. Rooney and Van Persie have took their chances, Gilardino, Walcott and Doyle have missed theirs even though they’ve had more. 3-0 to Calvary FC!

Essendon FC 0-3 Calvary FC (Rooney, 87)

SID SMASH: Moving into injury time now, who can snatch a late goal in our games?

HAZEL HARRISON: Goal at The Park, Real Clifton led 1-0 against Chelsea Australia ...

Hi Hazel, Hi Sid! Sid, what a goal you’ve missed. Pavlyuchenko, Hernandez and Van Der Vaart comining to send FEDERICO MACHEDA through, he slots home with ease, 2-0 to Real Clifton. And that Federico Macheda is almost as good looking as you, Mr. Smash! Back to you, Hazel!

Real Clifton 2-0 Chelsea Australia (Macheda, 90)

SID SMASH: Err, thanks, Gabby. Three points secured there at The Park by Federico Macheda, good start for Real Clifton!

HAZEL HARRISON: (looks irritated) Goal at the Colonial Staidum, Sid, if you can stop drooling over Gabby Yo-Yo ... Yorath, for a moment.

The ten men of Solent Galaxy putting up a real fight here, Hazel, pouring men forward to get a goal and they’ve got one! Tom Cleverley hit the post and from the rebound LIAM RIDGEWELL made it 3-2 to the hosts. Can Solent Galaxy complete the comeback?

Emurica FC 3-2 Solent Galaxy (Ridgewell, 90)

SID SMASH: Running out of time but great effort from Galaxy there, any more goals Hazel? Time is ticking away!

HAZEL HARRISON: Yes, we have a goal deep in stoppage time at the Creekside Arena! Fareham Fallguys led Middlesbrough by 2-1, fourth goal has been scored, who has got it?

It has gone to the home side, Hazel, Matt Etherington with the corner, Eto’o flicked on and BREDE HANGELAND headed into the corner. Hazel, just so you know, I still love you even if Sid doesn’t!

Fareham Fallguys 3-1 Middlesbrough (Hangeland, 90)

SID SMASH: For goodness sake, why did we let him on the show? Full time whistles are going around the country, any more goals Hazel?

HAZEL HARRISON: Doesn’t look like it, Sid. Just waiting on one game to finish ... game over. No more goals to report!

SID SMASH: Great afternoon of football, let’s get the full time results!

Capite Ad Calcem 1-0 AFC Slough

Darlington All Stars 1-2 Wootton Wanderers

Discworld 1-0 Dockland South

Emurica FC 3-2 Solent Galaxy

Essendon FC 0-3 Calvary FC

FC Freljord 0-1 Stratford Rangers

Real Clifton 2-0 Chelsea Australia

Shire FC 1-0 Kuda Laut Gemilang

Southsea Athletic 0-2 Rushden Phoenix

HAZEL HARRISON: In the Championship, these are the full time results!

A1 FC 1-0 Sheffield United

Coventry City 1-3 Saku FC

Darlington Rangers 1-0 Hull City

Dustbin Rovers 1-0 Millwall

Fareham Fallguys 3-1 Middlesbrough

Horden All Stars 3-0 Doncaster Rovers

Lowen United 4-0 Scunthorpe United

Ruff FC 3-3 Preston North End

SID SMASH: Thanks for joining us today on ‘Soccer Satruday’ on SPORTS.tv!

HAZEL HARRISON: We’ll see you later for the Premier League opener between New Bloc and Shakhtar Senseless! Goodbye!

[MattieCoopz]

Very positive improvements after the loss to PNE in the first game of what is sure to be an exciting season.

Also very encouraging to see a variety of players get themselves on the scoresheet in the process as well.

This commentary malarkey GCB is pretty hilarious indeed! KUTGW

PS: Shane Long looking like a good buy perhaps, irrelevant as it maybe (even though I'm a fan of the mighty Chelsea xD)

[o1000100]

Another win for Saku!!

Too bad we dropped out of the league cup so early though:(

[toonbalmy87]

Press Conference

DAS Chairman has called this press conference to discuss the recent result in the EPL

Press Hello Mr Chairman i would like ask your thought's on your clubs recent match against Wooton

Chairman Well i think you got there name wrong its Whoton Wanderers . well from what i saw there tactics were despicable first game of season two players sent what are they suppose to be that team from Vinnie Jones movie its suppose to be football not who can kick the other team harder. Although we didnt exactly play well i think i am going to have to sit down with Mr Howe and have a talk with him about this setback.

Press Don't you think that is a bit harsh dont you think they deserved there win afterall they were down to 9 men and you still couldn't take advantage

Chairman Do you know who you are talking too please can someone remove this ****h*** before i fit my size 12 sideways. onto the next question please

Press What did you think of the goal your team scored?

Chairman Well total football really wasn't it they showed what they can do when they put there heads together and work as a team

Press Will you be bringing any new players into the team?

ChairmanI hope we will be bringing a couple of new faces were contacting few agents at the moment and waiting to hear from them Bring me the horizon blast out sorry i will have stop this press conference goodbye and goodnight.

[jimbowmanuk]

Lowen Chronicle

Injuries? They don't Mata

Lowen United displayed a truly Championship winning performance today, despite 4 key players out with concernable injuries, young Spanish winger Mata showed that his ability to pick out the players was a sight to behold, setting up all 4 goals in their, well one can only describe as, easy victory showed he recieved the praise from the media taking the shine off Chamakh's debut hat-trick, hopefulluy the low age will keep the big teams at bay til after the transfer window. Manager McLeish was also in joyous mood "People said I couldn't cope with a club of this stature but I think so far I'm proving them wrong" Positive words there from the Lows manager long may it continue.

[Almondo]

Shire FC chairman gives first press conference following his side's home win over Kuda Laut Gemilang.

Frodo Baggins: Ladies and gentlemen of the press I am happy to answer any questions about today's game.

Press: Mr Baggins what did you think of your team's game today?

FB: Well the result was a good one although I would have liked another goal. However without three of our attacking players in Snodgrass, Bojan and Pandev the other members of the team stepped up and got us the win, most notably Gabby Agbonlahor.

Press: What did you think of the goal?

FB: It was great, we knew that was what he was capable of and it's why we were determined to keep him when he was drafted to us even with at least one other club looking to sign him. Ladies and Gentlemen I will only be taking two more questions as I have a meeting to get to.

Press: Can we expect any more signings from your side before the transfer window shuts?

FB: As you know I don't generally take any part in player acquisitions even though I did sign a couple of the players we have here, but that was before Roy Keane joined us. I have full confidence in the Manager of this team and he has the money to go out and buy players as he already has done.

Press: Can you give us your thoughts on the comments made by the New Bloc chairman earlier this week?

FB: I 'm glad you brought that up as I totally agree with him. This is the greatest league in the world and yet some chairmen seem to have decided that they shouldn't even introduce us to their teams. I believe that it takes away from the league if you don't do that and as a chairman although you have a manager in place you should really take a big interest and actually do something before the tart of the season.

Now ladies and gentlemen I have to go to a meeting but I will leave you now in the capable hands of the team manager. Frodo Baggins gets up and leaves to the sound of The Dropkick Murphys.

[arkitekt]

Finally a Shakhtar Senseless statement will be made tomorrow

[ejldude]

Dockland South Post-Match Press Conference

Tony Pulis: "Obviously we're dissapointed with the loss, but it was a close game away from home. Hopefully things can improve next week. People always write us off as an ugly club, which I think is unfair especially considering we just played against Carlos Tevez. You can't get much uglier."

"Anyway, I know you all want to speak to the other bloke so I'll be off."

[NicKC13573]

EMURICA F.C. NEWS CONFERENCE

"We are happy about the win; however, the defense after they went down to 10 men is concerning. We must not get complacent when our lead is so large. We are pleased with the progress of everyone. Zlatan and Clint are going to be a good 1-2 punch.

[Sheriff 1993]

Rushen Phoenix Chairman T.H.E. Sheriff gave this statement from his secret base on the dark side of the moon. "I am very proud of the players today. We managed to win in a tough away fixture thanks to Bastian’s 2 fantabulous strikes. I hope we can continue and... The statement ended abruptly. Many speculate that this was due to an alien invasion of the moon although this cannot be confirmed at this moment in time.