Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 How it all began... an undisclosed London hotel………… Roman Abramovich: Comrades, our plans for footballing domination are progressing well. Alex, it would have been better had you not gone in with Comrade Mandaric though. You should havbe bought another club on your own, we need to spread our resources. We are not moving quickly enough. Vladimir Romanov: But there is only so much that so few of us can do. Abramovich: It would help, Vladimir, if you did not go sacking the best thing to happen to your club in twenty years. Romanov: But he wouldn’t pick my Lithuanian friends. We have to make sure that our comrades our playing as well as just buying the clubs. Abramovich: Indeed, but hiring Graham Rix was a big f*cking mistake, even if you did do well by making your son Chairman and Chief Executive. I assume he will also be the next manager? Romanov: That is the plan. Abramovich: Good. Still, we need to move quicker. Alexandre Gaydamak: But what can we do? We surely cannot buy the national teams? Romanov: Of course not, that would be ridiculous. Comrades, we need something that is more than just football, something that speaks to the fans, something that is a way of life. Marko Frostinov: Comrades, I know of just such a thing………… **************************************** A week later... Abramovich: The plan is set in place? The Dutch one is out of the way? Frostinov: Yes. He thinks he has a Bulgarian girlfriend. The mail order company were very helpful. She has him imprisoned in his own personal hell. Abramovich: Excellent. And the other mod, the fat one? Romanov: He was easy. We merely left a trail of cakes for him to follow. He is safely locked away. He will be no trouble. Abramovich: Wonderful. Well done, Comrades. It appears as if we have succeeded. Once we begin handing out their awards then they will love us forever; they will be begging more of us to come and buy their beloved clubs. Soon every player in the Premiership will be a Comrade. Gaydamak: Shall we get this underway? Abramovich: Yes. It is time for FMS to fall in love with its Eastern rulers……… Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 How it all began... an undisclosed London hotel………… Roman Abramovich: Comrades, our plans for footballing domination are progressing well. Alex, it would have been better had you not gone in with Comrade Mandaric though. You should havbe bought another club on your own, we need to spread our resources. We are not moving quickly enough. Vladimir Romanov: But there is only so much that so few of us can do. Abramovich: It would help, Vladimir, if you did not go sacking the best thing to happen to your club in twenty years. Romanov: But he wouldn’t pick my Lithuanian friends. We have to make sure that our comrades our playing as well as just buying the clubs. Abramovich: Indeed, but hiring Graham Rix was a big f*cking mistake, even if you did do well by making your son Chairman and Chief Executive. I assume he will also be the next manager? Romanov: That is the plan. Abramovich: Good. Still, we need to move quicker. Alexandre Gaydamak: But what can we do? We surely cannot buy the national teams? Romanov: Of course not, that would be ridiculous. Comrades, we need something that is more than just football, something that speaks to the fans, something that is a way of life. Marko Frostinov: Comrades, I know of just such a thing………… **************************************** A week later... Abramovich: The plan is set in place? The Dutch one is out of the way? Frostinov: Yes. He thinks he has a Bulgarian girlfriend. The mail order company were very helpful. She has him imprisoned in his own personal hell. Abramovich: Excellent. And the other mod, the fat one? Romanov: He was easy. We merely left a trail of cakes for him to follow. He is safely locked away. He will be no trouble. Abramovich: Wonderful. Well done, Comrades. It appears as if we have succeeded. Once we begin handing out their awards then they will love us forever; they will be begging more of us to come and buy their beloved clubs. Soon every player in the Premiership will be a Comrade. Gaydamak: Shall we get this underway? Abramovich: Yes. It is time for FMS to fall in love with its Eastern rulers……… Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Ok, zdrastvuytye! ya gavaryo pa russki! aha! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMDave Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 *Peers inside suspiciously* Don't you just hate arriving amongst the first few people at a party? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Raptor: Where are you taking me? I need to be at the awards soon. They can’t be run without me. Bulgarian Mail Order Bride: Be quiet. You’ll get there in plenty of time. You’ll love where I’m taking you. R: Will you come to the awards with me? No one believes you’re real. They all think I’ve made you up to make me seem more interesting. As if I need to be more interesting. They worship me. But still they think you’re fake. It must just be because they’re so intimidated by me. BMOB: You have no idea how right they are……………… I mean, of course I’ll come darling. Anything to make you happy. R: Thank you. Are you going to tell me where we’re going yet? BMOB: We’re here. You can take off your blindfold now. R: AMSTERDAM? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Roman Romanov: Are yousad that you’re missing your precious awards? Terk: Hell no! I’m getting to smash Hibs merchandise with a baseball bat and eat cake at the same time. I could be up for an Oscar and be missing the ceremony right now and I wouldn’t give a ****. R. Romanov: Honestly, it’s always the same. Give a fat kid a cake and you’ll amuse him for hours. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 *exits ZIL-500 limo and walks through the entrance in KGB uniform, complete with fur hat* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Dave: are you absolutely sure your votes were sent to fms@zelenazvezda.com? Otherwise, try sinnfein at versatel.nl (don't want it spammed so no @ in there) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Wanders in, wrapped in his new £60 FatFace jumper and takes his usual seat at the back. Sets up his portable TV Feels slightly guilty that he's wathcing the *gulp* darts! Especially as he only turned on by accident, and it's two Dutchmen in the final - but I'm hooked! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Live from the Rossiya Hotel, Moscow Opening: Roman A: Comrades, welcome to the all new FMS awards. This years awards will feature a fabulous entertainment programme brought to you by the Bolshoi Ballet and plenty of vodka for all your drinking needs. And of course, the actual handing out of the awards. But first, let me introduce one of my co-hosts for the evening, Crazy Ivan. Crazy Ivan: Thank you, comrade chairman, I am very much delighted to be part of this momentous occasion in the history of the Soviet Union. Roman: As you all know, this years awards have taken a slightly different format. The organisation committee has decided that some awards were not in the spirit of the Motherland and as a result these awards have been dropped for this years ceremony. However, we still have a total of seventeen awards to be handed out during the course of this evening, so I suggest you sit back and relax as the show unfolds before you. But first, Ivan here will start of the proceedings by signing the national anthem. Ivan: Soy'ooz neroosh'imi resp'ooblik svob'odnikh Splot'ila nav'eki vel'ikaia Rus Da zdr'avstvooyet sozdanni voley nar'odov Yed'ini mog'oochi Sov'etski Soy'ooz Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot Skvoz g'odi siy'alo nam s'ontse svob'oodi I L'enin vel'iki nam put ozar'il Na pr'avoye d'elo on p'odnal nar'odi na tr'ood i na p'odvigi nas vdokhnov'il Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot V pob'ede bessm'ertnih idey kommoon'izma Mi v'idim grad'oosheye n'ashey strani I kr'asnomoo zn'ameni sl'avnoj otch'izni Mi b'oodem vsegd'a bezav'etno verni Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republics, Great Russia has welded forever to stand. Created in struggle by will of the people, United and mighty, our Soviet land! Sing to the Motherland, home of the free, Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong. O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people, To Communism's triumph lead us on! Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us, Along the new path where great Lenin did lead. To a righteous cause he raised up the peoples, Inspired them to labor and valorous deed. [Or, the old way: Be true to the people, thus Stalin has reared us, Inspire us to labor and valorous deed!] Sing to the Motherland, home of the free, Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong. O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people, To Communism's triumph lead us on! In the vict'ry of Communism's deathless ideal, We see the future of our dear land. And to her fluttering scarlet banner, Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Also have the darts on here, brilliant timing to have it clash with these awards Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMDave Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Raptor: Dave: are you absolutely sure your votes were sent to fms@zelenazvezda.com? Otherwise, try sinnfein at versatel.nl (don't want it spammed so no @ in there) </div></BLOCKQUOTE> I'm pretty sure, yes. If you didn't get them, then never mind. Perhaps we can just proceed. It's all the same to me, really. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spav Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 *exits Metro station and walks through snow to Rossiya Hotel, is accosted by doorman, but slips US$10 in his hand and is allowed entry* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by WLKRAS: But first, let me introduce one of my co-hosts for the evening, Crazy Ivan. </div></BLOCKQUOTE> I bet he goes starboard if it's before 7.45 [dubious film reference) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 ah the darts is rubbish tonight, both finalists are from some really crappy country anyway finally takes a casual seat, unfurls jacket and sits slovenly, with a click of the fingers, shades automatically jump out of place and into left hand. With the eyes firmly facing forward, shades are replaced, the wallet's out and a casual and slight but obvious finger is pointed towards the waiter. * double jim beam, neat, no ice, get* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spav Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Ah, familiar faces. G'day Dave, g'day flipers. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMDave Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Spav: Ah, familiar faces. G'day Dave, g'day flipers. </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Hello Spav. And everyone Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Crazy Ivan Welcome to Russia people. As you see, we've had a few technical problems. You must understand not all equipment here is millennium proof. Now, without further delay, a quick explaination of the order of presentation tonight. We will begin with the minor overall awards, followed by the geographical awards, and then to round off the ceremony, the main overall awards for 2005 will be handed out. There will be no official break, this is Russia, we drink non-stop. Vodka is on the house tonight, but English people: please PACE YOURSELF. Some of our old KGB-comrades now employed as bouncers haven't seen too much action of late, and any excuse will do really. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMDave Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 *Gets a pint of Guinness out of the carrier bag and mimes a pint glass for the waiter's benefit* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Evenin' Spav (and everyone else) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 * I can handle anything you want to throw at me* *cancels jim beam order and buys 4 bottles of vodka, handing them out one each to fellow guests, dave, spav and flippers.* *RACE ya!* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 *looks around for somewhere to park his zimmer frame* Hi kids, howya hangin' dudes? Bartender, I'll have a large horlicks, shaken not stirred. Hey, where's the Dutch guy and the fat kid that usually hang aound here? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo30 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I try and slip in quietly only to trip over the table right at the very back, sorry for the interuption. I'll try and keep quiet so you won't know I'm here. Fingers crossed to the nominees. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Xenon- Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Good luck to the nominees, Cyber drinking session I like it Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 want to make that Horlicks Russian? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: *RACE ya!* </div></BLOCKQUOTE> 1980, aged 21. Broke up with a girlfriend, drank 1/4 bottle in two hours neat (yeah yeah, slow I know) then added lime cordial and downed the rest in 20 minutes! 2002 - Reading Festival, bottle of Sainsbury's own-brand cheap sh1te down in three (not something to be proud of really, NOT clever, but the occasion took over) Still want to race? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Roman Abramovich Without futher ado, we shall begin our awards ceremony. Our first award tonight is for Most Missed FMSer. Rumor has it winners of these awards are sighted regularly in the Gulag, but the official party standing on that is "no comment" The nominees in this catergory: BrianW Educated Hick 13litZ spurzgrrl Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Roman Abramovich And the Winner is spurzgrrl Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Waddup Dawg (directed at the Bevster) ...and welcome to the madness of an FMS awards bash Xenon By the way Rap, are you cheering either of these Dutch arrow-men in particular? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by flipsix3: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: *RACE ya!* </div></BLOCKQUOTE> 1980, aged 21. Broke up with a girlfriend, drank 1/4 bottle in two hours neat (yeah yeah, slow I know) then added lime cordial and downed the rest in 20 minutes! 2002 - Reading Festival, bottle of Sainsbury's own-brand cheap sh1te down in three (not something to be proud of really, NOT clever, but the occasion took over) Still want to race? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Tortoise and the Hare my man Can't win the race if you're in a coma Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Xenon- Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Might aswell have a snakebite and black then. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Stands up to hail thwe winner, realises waht award it is, sits down looking stoopid! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Where is that Canadian lassie anyway? Greetings to Leo and Xenon to, hurry up and grab your drinks lads! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: want to make that Horlicks Russian? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Sure (that means poured over snow and served through a gas pipeline, right?) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
mavericktango Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Good evening all you fine gentlemen Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I miss Cait - she was cool, even though she did wear sensible shoes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raptor Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by flipsix3: By the way Rap, are you cheering either of these Dutch arrow-men in particular? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Jelle! Everyone here thinks Barney is a f*cking ultra-arrogant c*nt. We only wanted him to beat the others cos he's Dutch and it's good for the sport here, but Klaassen is so much nicer. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by BobBev: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: want to make that Horlicks Russian? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Sure (that means poured over snow and served through a gas pipeline, right?) </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Don't you worry about a thing... I'll just take your mug here... pour it into this liter glass here, and top it up with er 'spicy water' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terk Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Vladimir Romanov Titles are important, Comrades. They give the first impression to your faithful, loyal readers. Such a title as “Barcelona appoint Donovan Robertson†leaves little to the imagination. The ones you have chosen to nominate for this prestigious award are obviously far better: The nominees for Best Story Title are: bartley_m “When in Rome, Don't bring in a bunch of Brits and get relagated…†Brian of Nazareth " What Is It With You And The Jews Adolf?" maollelujah “Cloughie can kiss my ass…†Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spav Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by flipsix3: Still want to race? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> No thanks. *reaches for potplant to pour vodka into, asks waiter for a Crown Lager instead.* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Raptor: Jelle! Everyone here thinks Barney is a f*cking ultra-arrogant c*nt. We only wanted him to beat the others cos he's Dutch and it's good for the sport here, but Klaassen is so much nicer. </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Looking good then, the kid's impressed me hugely Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Spav: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by flipsix3: Still want to race? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> No thanks. *reaches for potplant to pour vodka into, asks waiter for a Crown Lager instead.* </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Can't even tempt you with a pint of uri- er Fosters? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by BobBev: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth: want to make that Horlicks Russian? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Sure (that means poured over snow and served through a gas pipeline, right?) </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Don't you worry about a thing... I'll just take your mug here... pour it into this liter glass here, and top it up with er 'spicy water' </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Thanks Brian. *glug, glug, glug* Wow, tastes good - didn't realise that i was so thirsty! *begins to slip out of chair* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terk Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Vladimir Romanov and the award goes to: bartley_m for “When in Rome, Don't bring in a bunch of Brits and get relagated…†Nice to see that FMS standards are already slipping; you lot can't even spell things right nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 ...and there he goes. Looks like Cristiano Ronaldo, but on another level when it comes to quality I can turn the TV off now and concentrate Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Well done Bartles! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 congratulations there bartley_m not even here to pick up his award! Disgraceful - and there I was thinking a Hitler - Jew gag might swing it Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMDave Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Good title despite the spelling mistake Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Xenon- Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Congrats bartley_m *slams empty pint glass on the bar, "same again mate"* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Well done Bartley! *wishes that he had placed some bets now that two of his votes have produced winners* Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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