Off The Daily Record

[Elrithral]

Edinburgh

Tom, ran. He ran like his life depended on it. Carlton road never seemed this long when he drove along it every morning. He hurdled over a temporary traffic sign, stumbling as he landed, taking a sharp right through the tunnel onto Old Tolbooth Wynd. He wheezed as he ran out onto the Cannongate road, a taxi slamming its breaks on and blaring its horn at him.

“**** off”

He shouted, flicking a v sign at the driver as he continued his charge. A mixture of sweat and brylcream stung his eyes, but it didn’t distort the huge ugly building that was Holyrood getting closer by the second. No need to ask the passers by to move, they were jumping to one side, taken aback by the image of a well dressed man sprinting down the street.

He reached into his pocket, pulled out his mobile phone, struggling to find speed dial 4 as he ran. Eventually he got it and held it to his ear;

“This is the Orange answer phone…”

“Ah, for **** sake.”

He swung out his arm, releasing the phone and sending it spinning toward the nearest wall, he was already too far away to hear it smash.

In the courtyard now, he danced around sculptures and ponds, people stared, tourists pointed and laughed. Up to the glass entrance and through the revolving door, he rushed towards reception.

“Where the **** is Robert?”

“Robert who sir?”

“Robert ******* Derby, who the **** do you think I mean?”

“If you don’t mind sir….”

“I’m in a bloody rush, just tell me what room.”

“The Dewar Room, but I need to….”

The pass landed at the receptionist’s feet as he took off once more. Up the stairs and round the labyrinth of corridors, he eventually came to the Dewar Room and rested his hand on the door, bowing his head and taking a deep breath. Composed, he knocked the door, opened it and pushed his head inside.

“Excuse me gentlemen.” they turned, stared and glared, “but I need to borrow Robert for a wee moment.”

Robert frowned.

“If you don’t mind gentlemen, apologies for the inconvenience.”

Murmurs and tuts as Robert walked towards the door.

“Tom. What do you think you’re playing at, I’m in the middle of the bloody reform committee?”

“I know, but I thought you might be interested in the news.”

“What news?”

“Jamie phoned me, I was out for my lunch on the other side of…”

“Oh yes, tell me all about your lunch. Get to the bloody point before the old boys start having coronaries in there.”

“He’s done it.”

“Done what?”

“Salmond’s only bloody done it.”

“Done what, Tom?”

“The mad ******** only gone and nationalised bloody football.”

Tom grinned as Robert’s mouth fell open.

[Elrithral]

Pittodrie Stadium, Aberdeen

Walter Strangle scaled the stairs, one step at a time, slowly but surely, toward Arthur Boyce’s office. He wondered what Boyce wanted this time, another community building scheme or another sure fire way to make money for the club, he rolled his eyes and continued his trek.

He eventually reached the top, wheezing uncontrollably, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a small white handkerchief, using it to dab his head and stem the flow of sweat towards his eyes. He moved forward toward the seat outside Arthur’s office, those horrible little brown chairs with fur on them that makes you itch, they’d been here since the year dot, but Walter needed to sit down. One hand on one chair, another on his hip, he slowly manoeuvred himself down and onto the seat, sitting back and the pool of sweat at the bottom of his back spilling forward and soaking his shirt. No sooner had he finally got down than the door opened and Arthur motioned for him to come in.

“Take a seat Walter, can I get you anything?”

“A drink would be nice, cold please.”

“Water?”

Walter breathed heavily through his nose, “Coke.”

“Diet?”

“Don’t take the **** Arthur, it doesn’t suit you.”

“Ok Walter, cool your jets big man.” Arthur poured the drink and skirted round his table, offering the glass to Walter. “I suppose you’ve heard the news.”

“Aye.” Walter sipped on the ice cold drink, half a glass gone in one gulp.

“This could work out very well for us.”

“How do you work that one out?” Walter was looking round the room as he spoke, eyeing up the awards and certificates, he wondered if any of them were real. The photograph of Arthur and his family, sitting by the window, caught his eye, I know that’s not real he thought to himself, quickly sipping his drink to stifle a laugh.

“We’ll all be on level pegging now.”

“Grow up Arthur, if you honestly believe this is for the good of Scottish football then you’re even more stupid than I thought you were.”

“Of course it’s good for Scottish football, no more debt, no more administration, no more….”

“No more debt for the big two, that’s what this is about.”

“That’s a very cynical way to look at it Walter.”

“You know as well as I do that those two are up to their eyes in debt and you know as well as I do that whoever they appoint will be a bluenose or a plastic Irish man.”

“We don’t know that for certain and from what I hear Robert Derby is the front runner.”

“Who’d you hear that from? No, let me guess, Derby’s team? They talk a good talk, but that’s all they do.” Snorted Walter and drained his glass.

“Well I for one will be keeping a close eye on this Walter, Derby is an Aberdeen fan and whilst we can’t expect him to offer any special privileges we could expect at least a few breaks from time to time.”

Walter rolled his eyes, “Are we done?”

[Elrithral]

Steeple Terrace, Edinburgh

Tom marched into the Department of Leisure and skipped up the stairs, two steps at a time. He could already hear them, rushing around, yammering to each other in the main office. He came to the top, held the banister and raised his hand to his face, rubbing his forehead and exhaling. Finally ready he turned toward the door and shoved it open. The room fell silent as he stormed in.

“Right, everybody listen up.” They had already stopped what they were doing and were staring at him. “Robert wants this job, I want this job, if any of you miserable sods don’t fancy it then get out of my sight now.” Nobody budged. “We need to be all over this like a rash, we need to be in the story when it goes out tonight, we need to be the first names on people’s lips when they are talking about this.”

“But we don’t even know what it means.” Came from behind a computer screen.

“I know that and you know that, but we can’t let them know that. We have to look like we’ve been behind this from day one, Robert has been involved in the process from the beginning. On the record, it’s great news for the economy and great news for Scottish football, we can’t give any details right now, but we can confirm that Robert will be extremely active in any discussions on how to move this forward, off the record, Robert is the main man, the head honcho, he’s putting everything else on the backburner, he doesn’t want to know about leisure centres and kids schemes until the I’s are dotted and the T’s crossed.”

“How long has Robert known about it?”

“Jesus, are you people thick or something? He doesn’t know anything about it, he just has to look like he does. I want his face on the front page of every newspaper, get to work. Make it up, but don’t go too far, we don’t want them knowing that we’re making it up. Ok people get busy.”

[Elrithral]

One Month Later

The Daily Record

Nationalisation Plans Finalised

Old Firm Fear for Their Future

July 21st 2007 will forever be remembered as the day the Old Firm lost their financial monopoly in the SPL. With the finishing touches to First Minister Alex Salmond’s radical nationalisation of Scottish football being made, the path was paved for a fairer, more competitive and financially viable football hierarchy in Scotland.

The newly formed Department of Football will regulate and govern the game. Their remit is not fully understood as yet, but the most important aspects include;

• Transfers – The DF will have the final say in all transfers, both in and out of clubs. Deciding whether said transfer is good for the Scottish game, observing equal opportunity for clubs and equal opportunities for Scottish nationals.

• Contracts – All contracts will be negotiated by DF, based on applicant ability, club provision, age and potential. Players will not be offered inflated contracts and will no longer be able to hold a club to ransom.

Football clubs will no longer finance themselves, all profit will be transferred to DF and amount produced will be a factor considered when considering applications.

Robert Derby, the Minister in charge of DF said;

“Administration and liquidation have become all too common in the modern world of football. Clubs consistently live beyond their means, which in this day and age is not only risky business, but completely reprehensible. The DF has been created to make sure fans don’t lose the club they love, that players can’t hold their club to ransom and Chairmen line their pockets while the club itself teeters on the brink.”

Chairmen were quick to point the finger at the Scottish Government, claiming that the regulations and reasons merely acted as a smoke screen for a cash cow too appealing to pass up. Fans of the big two claimed that the new system was biased in favour of smaller teams and that it was unfair to expect the Old Firm to bank roll Scottish football, but Minister Derby refuted these claims.

“No team will be given special dispensation; every team will play by the same rules. The Chairmen and fans have nothing to worry about, if their club makes a profit then their club will be allowed to use that profit to improve, as long as it is within the rules. All we are trying to do is ensure that these Chairmen have clubs to look after and the fans have clubs to support.”

Only time will tell if Minister Derby remains true to his word and only time will tell if this new dawn is for the good of Scottish football.

[Kewell08]

I've been watching this, very nice indeed.