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Richey

Dawsons Creaky Leg

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April 14 2010

As England lined up to play Italy at the San Siro in Milan, there was one player in particular who felt honoured in the extreme to be there. Michael Dawson, released by Nottingham Forest in 2004 on a free, had salvaged the remains of his broken career and worked his way back to the very top. After the cruel rejection by his boyhood club, he had been picked up by Brighton, struggling at the foot of Division Two, where he plied his trade earnestly, for three years until the club were safely ensconced in Division One. To his surprise, a bid of £3million from Valencia of Spain, was enough to tempt him to try once again to climb the ladder that is the football hierarchy. After a difficult first season, he was loaned out to Real Zaragoza for a few months where he proceeded to come out of his shell, and play like a man possessed. After his two months was up, he battled his way to the forefront of the Valencia defence, dislodging the veteran drug test dodger Rio Ferdinand from the starting line up. The majority of his third season too, was excellent, and when the call to represent his country came, he jumped at the chance. With the managers blessing he made the trip to the England pre-match training camp in Sicily. Owing to an injury to reformed thug John Terry, the England Manager Richard Rowe, handed the 26 year old a debut at the centre of defence.

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April 14 2010

As England lined up to play Italy at the San Siro in Milan, there was one player in particular who felt honoured in the extreme to be there. Michael Dawson, released by Nottingham Forest in 2004 on a free, had salvaged the remains of his broken career and worked his way back to the very top. After the cruel rejection by his boyhood club, he had been picked up by Brighton, struggling at the foot of Division Two, where he plied his trade earnestly, for three years until the club were safely ensconced in Division One. To his surprise, a bid of £3million from Valencia of Spain, was enough to tempt him to try once again to climb the ladder that is the football hierarchy. After a difficult first season, he was loaned out to Real Zaragoza for a few months where he proceeded to come out of his shell, and play like a man possessed. After his two months was up, he battled his way to the forefront of the Valencia defence, dislodging the veteran drug test dodger Rio Ferdinand from the starting line up. The majority of his third season too, was excellent, and when the call to represent his country came, he jumped at the chance. With the managers blessing he made the trip to the England pre-match training camp in Sicily. Owing to an injury to reformed thug John Terry, the England Manager Richard Rowe, handed the 26 year old a debut at the centre of defence.

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April 14 2010

As England lined up to play Italy at the San Siro in Milan, there was one player in particular who felt honoured in the extreme to be there. Michael Dawson, released by Nottingham Forest in 2004 on a free, had salvaged the remains of his broken career and worked his way back to the very top. After the cruel rejection by his boyhood club, he had been picked up by Brighton, struggling at the foot of Division Two, where he plied his trade earnestly, for three years until the club were safely ensconced in Division One. To his surprise, a bid of £3million from Valencia of Spain, was enough to tempt him to try once again to climb the ladder that is the football hierarchy. After a difficult first season, he was loaned out to Real Zaragoza for a few months where he proceeded to come out of his shell, and play like a man possessed. After his two months was up, he battled his way to the forefront of the Valencia defence, dislodging the veteran drug test dodger Rio Ferdinand from the starting line up. The majority of his third season too, was excellent, and when the call to represent his country came, he jumped at the chance. With the managers blessing he made the trip to the England pre-match training camp in Sicily. Owing to an injury to reformed thug John Terry, the England Manager Richard Rowe, handed the 26 year old a debut at the centre of defence.

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April 14 2010

As England lined up to play Italy at the San Siro in Milan, there was one player in particular who felt honoured in the extreme to be there. Michael Dawson, released by Nottingham Forest in 2004 on a free, had salvaged the remains of his broken career and worked his way back to the very top. After the cruel rejection by his boyhood club, he had been picked up by Brighton, struggling at the foot of Division Two, where he plied his trade earnestly, for three years until the club were safely ensconced in Division One. To his surprise, a bid of £3million from Valencia of Spain, was enough to tempt him to try once again to climb the ladder that is the football hierarchy. After a difficult first season, he was loaned out to Real Zaragoza for a few months where he proceeded to come out of his shell, and play like a man possessed. After his two months was up, he battled his way to the forefront of the Valencia defence, dislodging the veteran drug test dodger Rio Ferdinand from the starting line up. The majority of his third season too, was excellent, and when the call to represent his country came, he jumped at the chance. With the managers blessing he made the trip to the England pre-match training camp in Sicily. Owing to an injury to reformed thug John Terry, the England Manager Richard Rowe, handed the 26 year old a debut at the centre of defence.

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The match started at a furious pace, with Chris Kirkland, the goalkeeper tested repeatedly by Simone Pepe. Dawson struggled initially to get to grips with things, and his debut seemed to be heading down the toilet, when after 25 minutes, The young italian starlet Francesco Donatelli, freed Pepe with a searing ball down the left flank, which the pug nosed striker dinked over the advancing Kirkland. England roared back, with Joe Cole pulling the strings in the centre of the park, and equalised shortly after half time, when a deflected free kick by Wayne Rooney went swerving into the roof of the net, confusing the bamboozled Italian keeper, who later blamed the mishap, on the fact that his hair gel was oozing into his eyes. He fooled nobody, for everyone could see that he was bald. Nevertheless England surged forward in search of another, and Dawson found himself at the centre of a three man move involving himself, Southampton teenager David Bushell, and James Milner, which culminated in Wayne Rooney rounding the keeper and slamming the ball unnecessarily hard into the bottom corner of the net. The game finished off very sweetly for Dawson, as his chip into the area was handled by Stefano Esposito, the Juventus youngster, who momentarily thought he was a world famour goalie, not an overrated left back with bad hair. Milner rocketed the ball into the net, reducing the over emotional Italian keeper to tears, and at 90 minutes, it was game over.

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April 15, 2010

Michael Dawson arrived back in Spain mid morning, and collected his car from the short term car park. He reversed the car out of his space, ferreted his way out of the aforementioned short term automobile depository and sped off to his house, a luxury villa nestled between spectacular orange groves in the heart of the Valencian countryside. He stopped off on the way, to pick up his English language daily paper and as soon as he found himself sat at his kitchen table, the dog chewing at his trousere, he opened the sports pages and read the write up.

Michael Dawson - 9A Rock at the heart of the defence. This is surely the future of English defending, even at the age of 26. Its such a pity this wonderful talent could not have been recognised sooner

He admired his first ever write, up and went to give the starving dog some food. It was then he remembered he didn't have a dog, and he called security to have the offending canine chum removed from the premises.

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Dawson Linked with Tottenham move!

After his sensational display against Italy, our intrepid world reknowned sports writer Boris Broomstick can incredibly reveal the hottest story of the day. Dawson for Spurs. The North London giant's interest in the tall defender has been kept secret until now, but Manager Steve McLaren has declared that Dawson is now a £12m target to replace the departing Anthony Gardner. Such a move would benefit the defender, as he would be much more visible to the national team manager Richard Rowe, who refuses to fly because of his phobia of Air Stewardesses. tottenham, currently holders of the Premier League, refused to comment further on this story, mainly because their phone was broken and they are waiting for the bloke from BT to come and do a rush job and then overcharge them for it.

B.Broomstick

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Quick as a flash Dawson called up his agent, Horace Hodgkinson, a flamboyant entrepeneur, and demanded that the most be made of the article, and to put the feelers out to angle for the move. Excited at an International debut, and a link to the biggest club in England, Dawson felt as if he was on cloud nine.

Around an hour later, Horace called back:

Michael daaaaahling, its true, its all true. They're faxing a bid to Valencia. Mwah, Mwah. Ciao

Dawson replaced the phone on the handset. Wow, a move to the Premiership, the holy grail. It was finally his time. He was headed for the big time (and hopefully a pop star girlfriend)

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April 16 - Training HQ

Ok Mike said the manager of Valencia, Senor Mendieta, in horrendously fuzzy English, As you probably know, we accept offer from Totting-am 'Otspur

Dawson nodded, trying to act like it was all news to him.

Go to ze clubhouse. A contract is in zere, seems weasonable. Sign eet. We need ze monnei

Fair enough.

He walked into the clubhouse, looked at the contract. £30,000 a week, a signing on fee of £2.3m and a relegation release clause.

Yep.

He danced his pen around the bottom of the page, his elaborate, and higly ridiculous signature now emblazoned in black ink clearly visible.

The secretary Jose Franco announced he would send the fax back, and let him know of the eventual outcome.

Cool.

Dawson jogged out of the clubhouse and joined his team-mates in a muscle stretching session, and hoped for the best. Soon he would be playing back home, at the top level where he belonged.

Lets hope that nothing goes wrong.

*Ominous boom, followed by loud cackling, then a coughing fit, then cackling again, another boom, and silence*

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April 17 2010

After his midweek exertions for the England team, Dawson found himself back in the Primera Liga mire, travelling to lowly Osasuna for a 'must win' game. The transfer to Tottenham was in the bag, and he'd be moving at the end of the season. He was sat on the team coach next to terminal recluse, the young Argentine, Pellegrino, who was vying for a transfer away from Valencia.

I hate Senor Mendieta the squeaky voiced youth chirruped, All I did was miss training last week, because I'd been out painting the town red, and I'm not getting paid for the next two weeks!

Dawson nodded understandingly, because he didn't want a punch in the face from the pedantic pipsqueak.

I've demanded a transfer you know, but nobodys interested in me! he wailed, You didn't even demand anything, and you're off to Tottenham. I hate you!

And with that, the ungrateful oik opened his copy of The Dandy and turned straight to the Korky the Kat cartoon.

Dawson made a mental note to enter on his personal profile, that he was looking forward to leaving the club, and to a lesser extent, that he was in need of a haircut.

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Osasuna V Valencia

A horrendously dull game followed the big build up as a must win contest for both teams. The highlight of the first half was the flamboyant Portuguese striker Helder Postiga shooting just over from 10 yards for Valencia. The second half began better, with Osasuna going close twice and having a free kick rebound off the near post, but Valencia came up trumps in the luck stakes. The Miserable Midfield Maestro Pellegrino tapped in after a goalmouth scramble to give Valencia the lead after 58 minutes, and the action pretty much siezed up from there. Michael Dawson was noted for having snuffed out Osasuna's fearsome young striker Eduardo Esteban for the entirety of the game.

Osasuna 0 - 1 Valencia

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May 18 2010

On announcement of the England Squad the previous week, Michael Dawson had taken leave of his senses and poured himself an extra large pineapple juice. For he was named in the squad for the friendly against Holland. He felt he had a good chance of making the lineup, as his performance in the last game had been nothing short of exemplary. On current form, he was bound to keep his place ahead of John Terry. Dawsons previous 3 games had finished with him recieving ratings of 8,9,9, while Terrys respective games had finished with the oddly coiffured warhorse achieving a 7,7,6. Any fool could see who deserved to be in the line up.

For the record, Valencia's last three games had ended with the results:

Valencia 2-1 Elche

Barcelona 3-1 Valencia

Real Zaragoza 0-5 Valencia

A mixed bag, but Dawson had been the rock at the heart of defence throughout.

He pored over a travel brochure for South Africa, and thought how super it would be come mid June when the World Cup started. He banked on being in the squad.

He then left his London hotel and worked his way across London to the New Wembley for a final training session before the game. He was feeling good.

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May 19 2010

England and Holland Share Honours, as Rowe Makes Questionable Decision.

England and Holland shared two goals apiece last night in a game England should have sailed away with. Leroy Lita's two first half headers from Steve Gerrards corners put the Three Lions into an unassailable lead, but with in form Michael Dawson controversially left on the bench in favour of a partnership of John Terry and Andrew Davies, the defence collapsed like a deflated Jelly to allow Van der Vaart and Robben to make honours even. Dawson finally managed to prove his worth to the team as an 80th minute substitute, when he foiled Van der Vaart who was almost clean on goal for Hollands third. Leroy Lita missed a penalty late in the game too, when felled by a high tackle in the box, and the spoils were shared. England Manager Richard Rowe, when questioned on the Dawson decision claimed not to have seen the incident where he didn't pick Dawson for the starting XI. This disease seems to be catching, as Holland manager Frank Rijkaard claimed not to have seen the game at all. I was reading the advertising hoardings

B.Broomstick

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Seething, Michael Dawson, when confronted by journalists, was forced to adopt a smile and say the usual standard footballer cliche.

I respect the managers decision. I was entirely happy with the lineup, and thought the lads done well. At the end of the day its a game of two halves, and the lads gave 110%

He went back to his hotel room in such a rage, that he forgot to tip the Maitre'D, who then got upset and sold his story to the press.

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May 20 2010

Michael Dawson ate my Hamster

It was sensationally revealed that last night Michael Dawson launched a savage attack on poor French Maitre'D Jacques Pompidou on his return to the Park Drain Hotel, London. It was reported that Dawson, slightly miffed at not making the starting lineup for the draw with Holland, was looking to take out his anger on somebody.

Pompidou says I don't know what happened. One minute I was in the lift with him, and the next, he refused to tip me, for pressing the buttons. This astonishing claim shows the rotten core of todays football. Pompidou added, He probably would have eaten my hamster, if i'd had one.

MR. Dawson refused to comment on the story as we didn't give him the chance to give his side of the story.

In other news, In an echo of Arnold Schwarzeneggers triumph in the California Elections of 2003, Bruce Willis has been elected as Mayor of London. Also, news just in that Esther Rantzen and Carol Smillie have had their teeth blown out by gunfire in Manchesters infamous Moss Side area. The two celebrities were in Milton Keynes at the time.

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June 2010

The end of the season ended pretty unspectacularly, with Valencia finishing a respectable 3rd behind the traditional top two, Real Madrid and Barcelona. Dawson's form didn't dip in the wake of the vicious non-tipping scandal that rocked the footballing world to its core. A few 7 ratings were the minimum Dawson achieved, but his main worry was over whether the press hoo haa would affect his England chances at the World Cup. The manager Richard Rowe, assured him he was still under consideration. Dawson hoped that he could represent his beloved country at such a high level, and he felt the country in general needed a lift. Since the two talismanic TV presenters Esther Rantzen and Carol Smillie had gotten their teeth blown out, the country had been in mourning. Television output had been low, and people had been forced to watch endless repeats of Only Fools and Horses. It was a sad time for the country. Dawson was determined to rise to the occasion.

His move to Tottenham, however was something he looked forward to with a great deal of pleasure. They seemed to have hit a rocky patch, finishing only 3rd in the league, and being knocked out of the Champions League by Rotherham in the 2nd Round. He felt he could add something to the team big time.

His time at Valencia had ended well, and he made sure he bade everybody goodbye, aside from Pellegrino, who locked himself in the clubhouse and blew raspberries out of a partially opened window. He was still slightly anxious at not being transferred, and the manager had taken to buying him the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures to cheer him up. It was to no avail. Dawson was happy he didn't have to see the poor little wretch again, so he wished everyone the best of luck in the new season, and wished Spain the best of luck in the World Cup.

Michael Dawson, Valencia, 74(12)apps 2goals, AvR 8.04

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World Cup Squad Announced

The World Cup Squad was announced today, and the biggest shock of all, is the omission of veteran midfield dynamo Frank Lampard. Southampton's Joe Cole, the national captain, was quoted as saying, I know Frank quite well, and I think he'll be upset.A sensational piece of wisdom from the England Captain, showing just how much Frank will be missed. Other than that, the squad has picked itself, with one other slight change. Gordon Lewis, the 18year old Notts County centre back, previously uncapped, has made the team ahead of disgraced Michael Dawson, still reeling from the fall out over his non-tippage of a Maitre'D. Joe Cole had this to say, I know Michael quite well, and I think he'll be upset.

B.Broomstick

For full squad details and the chance to win a Michael Dawson voodoo doll, turn to page 34

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Chez Dawson, somewhere in the Hertfordshire Countryside.

Gutted, there was no other word for it. He was utterly distraught at being left out. He felt his performances more than merited inclusion in the squad. According to the paper he was on standby, so maybe there was still a chance. He thought to himself realistically that it would not happen. Jacques Pompidou had seen to that.

In tears, he sat in the garden, and organised his gnomes around the pond. His new house felt awfully lonely now, when he was left to deal with his misery. He picked up Arthur Gnome, his favourite. The red cheeked, grey bearded plaster figurines, beaming smile, and sturdy fishing rod always managed to cheer him up. He carried the Gnome indoors, and sat down in front of the TV, and watched a repeat of Only Fools and Horses, crying himself to sleep. The comforting presence of the Gnome watching over him, forever red faced and jolly, his large fishing rod symbolising hope.

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Mid June 2010

A week or so later, Michael Dawson had cheered up a little, enough to watch some of the World Cup. He and Arthur cracked open a few bottles of Beer to drink when the spectacle was on, although Dawson became slowly aware that perhaps Arthur was completely teetotal. Teetotal in the matter that all plaster based garden figurines were. Nevertheless, he resolved to respect that decision, and make him some vegetable juice, or maybe even a Cola based soft drink.

The first round of the World cup saw England drawn against Iceland, Iran and Morocco, whom they dispatched fairly easily:

England 3-1 Iceland

Cole 12,23

Rooney 25

England 6-2 Iran

Gerrard 2

Milner 35,79

Rooney 44

Pemberton 89

Bushell 90

England 2-0 Morocco

Rooney 66,67

Dawson noticed that the England defence seemed rather shaky, and had struggled to cope with the quick Iranian strikers in the second group match.

Regardless, the stats spoke for themselves and England were through.

The morning after the Morocco game, the reporter Boris Broomstick had speculated that Michael Dawson had not emerged from his house in several weeks because he had turned into a reclusive hermit. Dawson, via his agent quickly released a press bulletin, denying all events.

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Dawson Denies 'Recluse' Rumours

This afternoon, Michael Dawson sensationally revealed that he was not a reclusive hermit. Speaking on behalf of Dawson, his agent Horace Hodgkinson, said:

Michael would just like me to point out that he is not a recluse, but is just watching the World Cup, with his friend Arthur the Gnome

This conflicts with Boris Broomstick's scoop this morning, which appeared to show pictures of a bearded man with leaves in his hair swearing incoherently in Dawsons back garden.

This is Angela Ripoff, reporting for Channel 78 News...

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Michael posted a reminder to his security staff not to have any more Lord of the Rings parties down by the front gate. He couldn't risk having a burly minder, dressed as Gandalf, heaping more negative publicity on the rejected England star. He was soon due to report at Tottenham for pre season training, and needed as clean a slate as possible.

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Early July 2010

Faced with China in the Second Round of the World Cup, the England manager Richard Rowe, had decided to rest some of his star players. Rooney and Cole were rested, along with the ever youthful Ashley Cole, who had played a very long season with Barcelona and hadn't had a let up. The Game was an unexpectedly tight one, with perennial England substitute Cherno Samba slotting in at the near post with five minutes left to seal it, after China had missed 2 first half penalties.

England 1-0 China

Samba 85

Dawson had felt the game was a little too close for his liking. The inexperienced Notts County centre back Gordon Lewis, so far a surprise starter in every game, was to blame for both China's penalties. This upset Dawson especially as he felt he had a far better level of technical ability.

He spent late afternoon of that day fending off calls from tabloid journalists speculating over his alleged relationship with Minty Tallulah, the winner of Pop Singerz 2010, the show where the viewers vote for the singer with the least amount of charisma, and most amount of visible flesh.

The press release stated that, where Minty Tallulah was most probably a nice young lady, Michael Dawson was too busy watching the World Cup with his longtime Plaster of Paris chum, Arthur Gnome.

Minty Tallulah later responded with a press release of her own, denying any involvement with Dawson, but added she thought he had a really nice haircut.

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July 2010

England Sweep into Semis after Crushing Cameroon

Cameroon were crushed by England and five goal hero Wayne Rooney today, as the Three Lions cruised into a World Cup Semi Final Tussle with minnows Albania. Rooney was first of the mark with a penalty in the 10th minute after he had been felled in the box. He added a second nine minutes later after good work from strike partner Jermaine Defoe down the left flank. His third came 2 minutes after the break, a diving header from a Morgan Jefferson cross, the 19 year old Tottenham Right Back fully justifying his inclusion in the squad. Jefferson again turned provider on 80 minutes with a thundering free kick which thundered off the bar, and ricocheted off Rooney for his fourth. Rooneys fifth and best came after a mazy solo run, which culminated in a dainty chip over the stranded Cameroonian keeper on 82. Cameroon managed one shot on target all game, as Rowe's youthful England team swept up the plaudits postgame, for a remarkably mature performance, which defied their overall inexperience at this level. I bet Michael Dawson's jealous.

B.Broomstick

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July 2010, Chez Dawson

Michael Dawson was teetering on jealous. He was somewhere in between. Happy for England and miserable for himself. He also found a sprig of hope in the fact that on the morrow he would be heading to Chigwell, the training ground of Tottenham to report to Mr. McLaren, his new gaffer. He would join the other close season and new season recruits, who included the still exceptionally young Freddy Adu, and China's brightest young hope, the amusingly named Hao Hao. He was the most experienced new arival, as Adu was still in the process of being 20, despite having been around seemingly since the age of the dinosaurs. Hao was 18, and had 22 caps for China. Wow, he felt old.

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July 2010

England dumped in Albania Shock!

England blew their chance of a second consecutive World Cup today as they surrendered to an Albania side, high in determination. Led by their talismanic skipper Ramiz Berisha, the 22 year old midfield dynamo, the Albanians proceeded to shut up shop for the entire game, scoring the winner through a counter attack after 88 minutes through Berisha himself, who fully deserved his man of the match award. England went closest through Cole, who hit a post from fully 35 yards, and substitute Leroy Lita who skewed a shot wide when it looked much easier to score. Richard Rowe, the manager looked furious on the touchline after the game and refused to speak to the press. Captain Cole said Today we lost to Albania and perhaps that shouldn't have really happened. Ever eloquent, the England Skipper showed his calm and poise, along with his trademark eloquence. Rooney later added It was a game of two halves which was, quite frankly shudderingly badly put. If only he could show the neatness and sheer eloquence of the Captain, maybe we wouldn't have lost to Albania. May I, Boris Broomstick lead the calls for Michael Dawson to be reinstated into the international fold? It was obvious we needed him, and as a strong supporter of Dawson, I say lets turn to him for hope.

B. Broomstick

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July 2010

Spain Spank Albania

In one of the oddest World Cup Finals ever, Albania, who only qualified for the finals by dint of a somewhat fortuitous 1-0 aggregate win over Bulgaria, lost 5-0 to a rampant Spain. In a tournament where teams thought to be giants, fell at every possible hurdle, and teams like China, Finland and Albania all qualified for the second round or better, it was seemingly impossible for the tiny upstarts to win the world's most prized trophy. Indeed it was. Spain, led by the free scoring Fernando Torres, who led by example with a hat trick in the first ten minutes, proceeded to wipe the floor with their opponents. Albania, who had been magnificent all tournament with their fluid counter-attacking game which had led them to 1-0 victories in every single game, were poor. After a failure to reply to Torres's record hat trick, they seemed to withdraw into an ultra defensive shape. On 59 minutes and 72 minutes, Spain added to their tally, with veteran substitute Raul, on for the ineffective teenager Gabriel Amor, on song. A fitting end for a glittering career for Raul, in his thirties and still going. The cup presentation was savoured long into the night by the Spaniards, where the Albanians must be rueing what could possibly be their only chance of writing their name down in history.

B.Broomstick

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August 1st 2010

Driving in for his first day at his new club, Michael Dawson listened to Minty Tallulah's hastily released first single, "La La La Yeah Ooh etc" on Radio Inane on his car stereo. Wow, what a voice thought Michael, It's a shame she hasn't learnt how to use it to sing properly.

He eased his Mini Cooper S into the Car Park at Chigwell Training Complex, and saw the new Chinese signing Hao Hao laughing at his motor, in a manner which suggested he was driving a big pile of baboons underpants.

Locking his car, he asked the teenage sensation what was so funny.

Rubbish car, chirruped the young upstart.

Well, Dawson wasn't going to stand for that. It may be a retro vehicle, but that was his choice and his alone.

Hao skipped off in the direction of the physiotherapy lounge, and Dawson, feeling terribly small, went to find his new manager, Steve McLaren.

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Managers Office, Chigwell

Dawson knocked on the glass panelled door.

Come in, shouted the manager.

He pushed open the door, smiled at Mr. McLaren and sat down in a comfortable brown chair.

Morning Gaffer, Michael Dawson reporting for training he ventured.

Ah, replied the manager, Mr. Dawson. How are you after everything?

Michael suppressed a tear, and told the friendly faced man what he had been through this year. With the turmoil of his newspaper expose, and the omission from the England squad, it all added up to a lot of grief.

And, he added, Hao Hao pointed and laughed at my car.

Mike? said McLaren Hao's been doing that to everyone. In the showers, he points and laughs too. Some of the lads have been feeling quite insecure. It'll be sorted though, don't worry.

Thanks gaffer, I really appreciate it, and thankyou for listening. I hope I can repay your faith in me on the field.

Well son, you're looking fit. I'll take a look at you and some of the others in a bit. We have a friendly aginst Moor Green to prepare for tomorrow. I'd like you to play

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August 1st 2010

Chez Dawson

It had been a good training session, he got to know a few of the lads, and chatted with the few he already knew. Hao had laughed at him in the showers, which hurt his feelings. The young Chinese prodigy had then told everyone that Dawson's car was very small. He felt that his new team-mates had got the wrong end of the stick when they all collapsed in laughter. Nevertheless. It had been a good day, and he was on the teamsheet for tomorrows game away at conference newcomers Moor Green. He knew Moor Green was the place where England Manager Richard Rowe came to watch on occasion, as they were his local team. Given the amount of resentment Dawson felt towards Rowe, he felt determined to help wipe the floor with Moor Green to make his point.

Dawson wanted to make a headline, and this was a perfect opportunity for him.

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August 2nd 2010

Pre Season Friendly. Moor Green Vs Spurs

Lining up with a team consisting of mostly reserves, Dawson felt pride at wearing the famous cockerel of Tottenham on his chest. He wouldn't mention it, but the new kit design had made it look a bit like a cross between a pigeon and an amorphous blob. Nevertheless, he felt a swelling of pride. The game started brightly, with Hao Hao and Freddy Adu going close, shooting wide and over within minutes of the kick off. The action was then stifled by some good play by Ellis Booker, Moor Green's star defensive midfielder. On 27, young 16 year old academy hopeful Jamie Crosby bamboozled the Moor Green defence to powerfully finish low and hard past Moor Green's young French Keeper Pierre Martinez. Crosby added a second on half time, from a header off a cross field ball by Hao Hao, which looped over Martinez, making him look a bit of a wally. The second half came, and Dawson expertly held out against Regis Hastie, the Trinidadian striker single handedly, after the rest of the defence, all academy youngsters decided that a good nap would be a most delightful way to pass the afternoon. Dawson felt he was making a point to the England manager with his sterling performance, when the headline he had been craving, came. But it wasn't one he wanted.

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On recieving a ball from the keeper, Dawson saw the opportunity to take the ball out of defence, in the spirit of Bobby Moore type-defending. He glided with ease past several players, before coming up against the gifted young midfielder Ellis Booker. Dawson feinted to go one way, and went the other. Booker, off balance, aimed a kick at the ball. He missed the ball by light years, and his foot, moving ever so fast, cracked against Dawson's leg. Time moved in slow motion for him. At first, Dawson heard a creak, then a jarring movement, followed by a loud snap. Ouch.

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Lying on the floor, facing up at the heavens, Dawson screamed in pain. He glanced down at his leg, which was bent in at least four directions. He saw the referee brandish a red card at Booker, who walked off the pitch. He saw the physio running towards him. He saw Hao Hao looking over him, but for once, he wasn't laughing. Then he passed out.

Incidentally. The game continued and eventually ended 4-1 in Tottenham's favour. Straight after the game, Steve McLaren drove to Birmingham Heartlands Hospital to visit Dawson, who had left the game unconscious in an ambulance. The news was not good.

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August 3rd 2010

Dawson's Creaky Leg

Echoing David Busst's horror injury of the mid 1990's, Michael Dawson went into a challenge, and came out with a horrendously broken leg. Brutal thug Ellis Booker swung out at him during a friendly between his side Moor Green, and Dawson's new club Tottenham Hotspur. The injury is estimated to keep Dawson out of action for about a year. May I extend my condolences to Mr. Dawson, and wish him a speedy recovery. England needs him. As for Ellis Booker, I have news coming through of an addiction to Cough Syrup. More career wrecking news tomorrow, with me, Boris Broomstick.

B.Broomstick

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August 4th 2010

Birmingham Heartlands Hospital

Michael Dawson looked down the bed at his leg. It looked a bit better than it did at the football game, where it did a pretty good impression of a turner prize candidate. It was not encased in what appeared to be a large white sock. He groaned.

The doctor had told him that the main bone in his lower leg (he didn't know the exact terminology, he was a Doctor of Financial Growth Studies) was clean broken. He could realistically expect to be back in action in around 10 months time.

10 months? That took him past his 27th birthday in November, and all the way to the middle of next year. He would be approaching pensionerdom. Soon, he would be shuffling instead of walking, and perfecting the 'sudden stop' when in any public area. He would be buying pipe tobacco, and talking about the good old days when he was a lad. He was going to be practically a coffin dodger by the time his recovery came round.

His cast had been on for a good few hours now, and he had slept straight after its application. He looked down at it, and saw, in blue felt tip pen, a delicate scrawl. He peered at it the best he could.

It read: Best wishes Michael. Minty Tallulah x x x x

Interesting...

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August 4th 2010

Chez Dawson

Sent home by the hospital for some serious R&R, after a bumpy ride in the worlds most rickety ambulance, Dawson switched on his television, and at last, something to warm his heart:

On this day, with England mourning the break in Michael Dawsons leg, Esther Rantzen has had a successful teeth replacement. It is reported 78 African Elephants were brutally shot to death for the priceless Ivory, but for Esther Rantzen, our Queen of Hearts, anything is worth it. The wrinkly past-it TV presenter was unable to comment on her transplant because of the size of her teeth, which had to be airlifted into place. Lets hope she's back, making ******** self righteous television programmes very very soon.

This warmed the cockles of Michaels heart. He gazed up at his Esther Rantzen tribute poster and blew it a kiss. In the light of all this tragedy, he smiled, and watched another repeat of Only Fools and Horses.

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August 2010

The rest of the month went past for Dawson with the speed of an asthmatic snail. He was forced to stay at home, and follow the Tottenham games himself, and if he felt up to it, McLaren had a spot for him in the stand if he felt like watching the game. He wanted to be out there on the turf, the roar of the crowd cheering him on, and the high profile sponsorship deals behind the scenes. He wanted a sponsorship deal badly. He had taken part in one in his Valencia days, for the new Smurfs 3D video. But as the worldwide face of Smurf publicity, he didn't get the positive marketing attention he craved.

He escaped the flak, however, for Spurs' final pre-season friendly in which they shockingly crashed 5-1 to 3rd Division Yeovil. He allowed himself a smug grin, as without him, the defence looked as permeable as a bath plughole.

When the season kicked off, Spurs drew their opening two matches 0-0, which helped Michael fall asleep. However, in the second match against Manchester United Hao Hao got sent off, which forced a chuckle.

His cast still mystified him. How and when had Minty Tallulah signed it? How would he find her?

Where was she? Could she actually sing? Who cared?

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September 19th 2010

Tashkent, Uzbekistan

In a dilapidated tenement block, an old woman watched live television coverage of pro-celebrity horseshoe throwing, and decided there and then, that she wanted to take over the world.

Her mouth opened into a wide toothy grin, and she cackled loudly. Her gruesome laugh got louder and louder, and more manic. She got out of her chair, still laughing and made for the front door. Hobbling as fast as her legs would let her, she set foot outside the door, and made for the tenement stairwell.

She slipped and fell all the way to the bottom and died. I guess it kind of put paid to her plan.

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September 2010

Spurs in Relegation Fight!

Spurs' early season form has condemned them to the foot of the Premier League table, allowing newly promoted Hartlepool to clamber a place up, to 19th. The table is depressing reading for all Tottenham fans, with no wins, two draws and three defeats all telling a horrible story.

Only 2 goals scored tells of a team horribly profligate in front of goal. Veteran Striker Emile Heskey shockingly has both of them, and finds himself as Tottenhams top scorer. The last game, a 3-2 defeat away at Liverpool showed signs of a recovery, but McLaren shows no signs of taking forced action to rectify the slump. It's all Michael Dawson's fault for being injured. Lets all send him hate mail.

B.Broomstick

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September 30th 2010

Darren Anderton Memorial Physiotherapy Centre, White Hart Lane

The club physio took one look at Dawson, and let out a deep sigh.

You've got a broken leg, you have.

Dawson looked at him as though he had a polka dot dress on.

Hmmm

Is it any wonder Darren Anderton spent the best years of his life here?

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Funnily enough, Darren Anderton is still playing, this time for Mansfield in the Conference. He's been injury free for years now. He must be entering his second youth.

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Guest

This is a good one! Excellent characters and some brilliant one liners. I hope Dawson makes it back and plays again one day. Keep it up!

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28 October 2010

Chez Dawson

October came and went with Spurs playing catch up. For every game or so that they won, the teams above them also won. It left the league kind of tight, with 2nd place down to about 18th place being separated by 6 points or so. By the time the 30th of October came round Spurs were 19th, and England sat bottom in their qualifying group after losing their opening two games, to Armenia and Macedonia 1-0 and 2-1 respectively.

Michael Dawson, in a sadistic sort of way, found it mildly amusing that since he wasn't in the team, they were doing badly.

Hao Hao was being made the scapegoat in Tottenhams poor performances, with 4/10 being achieved twice. He was also having difficulty settling in the area. That may have had something to do with the fact that Dawson had organised for a large lorryload of incontinence pants to be delivered to the young Chinese players house. The mental strain of this was too much to bear. Obviously.

On the Champions League front, getting through the 3rd qualifying round had been a breeze, and Polonia of Poland had been swept aside like a fly trying to circle a dog turd, while being swatted with a newspaper. In a group paired with Graz, Modena and Baku, they hardly looked like being challenged. Baku were thrashed 6-1 and Modena were eased out 3-2. Interestingly, the young academy forward Jamie Crosby starred in both games, grabbing a brace of hat-tricks. This bade well for the future, with the usual strikers missing the goal like they were having fun doing so. Interestingly McLaren didn't seem to want to play Crosby in the Premier League that much.

Dawson sat down at his desk and poured himself a double water. He was feeling dangerously reckless tonight you see. He was going to see the National Miming Awards in the West End, and Minty Tallulah was up for several awards. He was going to try and make an impact.

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October 29th 2010

Chez Dawson

Well that was a waste of time. She won 5 awards, but was only there by video link from Uzbekistan for some reason. Something about a family problem involving an insane great grandmother.

He had tried to cosy upto the video screen, but he had singed his lip with the static. With hindsight, it was a pretty dumb thing to do.

He sat down for breakfast and read his mail, most of which seemed to be written in blood, much to his befuddlement. They all sort of went along the same line:

Its Yor Folt wee're loozing. Get beta noww or fase are wraff.

That was interesting. Another one:

This is the bank manager here, you owe me money.

He didn't bother reading on with that one. He put it in that funny little plastic container where he put all of his bills. His mum called it a bin.

Another letter:

Boris Broomstick was right, its all your fault.

Ahhhh, he loved fan mail. There was no better feeling than being insulted by people he didn't know. The bank managers letter had scared him a bit though.

He toddled off and went to watch the Reserves playing Gillingham Reserves. He had nothing better to do, so it seemed like a viable option

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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vitchington:

This is a good one! Excellent characters and some brilliant one liners. I hope Dawson makes it back and plays again one day. Keep it up!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thanks, I'm writing mostly from my notes, as my computer at home is mangled up. Its basically focused on one players life, with some artistic licence for his personal life! What happened to Michael Dawson in my CM game was quite interesting, so i decided to write a story about it. Read on to find out more about his ailing career!!!

icon_smile.gif

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November 18th 2010

McReginalds Fast Food Restaurant, Slough

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Michael,

Happy Birthday to you.

McReginalds restaurant in Slough was the venue for Michaels 27th birthday party. In attendance was Joe Cole, and Arthur the Gnome. Additionally Luke Chadwick was there too, having made friends with Michael during Spurs' pre-season training. His good form during November was a good reason for Michael to have sent him an invitation. Most of the rest of the squad were there, excepting Hao Hao who wasn't invited due to the pathological, and irrational dislike of him by Dawson. Heskey wasn't there either, as he was decorating his Old Folks Home with some smashing new Pansies.

It was a top party, his best friend Joe Cole, the Southampton and England captain summed it all up when he gave a rousing speech at the end:

It's Michael's Birthday today, and we need to give him credit for that. He gave 110% at the end of the day.

That was one of the things he liked about Joe. He always had something eloquent for every occasion.

He had other reason to celebrate too, Spurs had won a couple of games very convincingly after Adu had started to pull the strings placed just behind the front pairing of Landon Donovan and Emile Heskey. Coupled with the teams around them losing, Tottenham were nicely ensconced in 13th place, with a tight table ahead of them. A win in the next game could potentially lift them to 9th. A good springboard to rid themselves of the shaky start they had inflicted upon themselves. The key turning point had been the 7-1 victory over Newcastle, struggling under the tutelage of David Seaman. Hurrah!

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Christmas 2010

Improving steadily in the league, Spurs had let their form desert them in the Champions League and had missed out on round two. Losing their remaining games after a great start hadn't been good. Spurs players felt lousy, after finishing bottom of that group, missing out on 3rd by a point.

Reflecting on this half season, the Spurs board had sacked Steve McLaren on the 9th of December after a home defeat by Crystal Palace. A new manager was installed in the shape of Kevin Keegan, jobless for the last 3 years after his sacking from Burnley. By Christmas, with the club *only* in eighth place, and out of Europe and the League Cup, the Spurs supporters began to sing lewd songs about Michael Dawson and Minty Tallulah to amuse themselves.

All things considered, it was going shockingly badly and Spurs were useless again.

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New Years Day, 2011

Chez Dawson

Looking resplendent in his pink silk nightie, Michael Dawson elegantly cruised down the bannisters of his palatial residence, using his plastered leg as a rudder. Things were looking up for him. As well as recieving a belated Christmas card from the mysterious Minty Tallulah, she, via her agent had agreed to come round for afternoon tea. The reason for his silk nightie was a requirement for an air of sophistication about his person, which he felt was sure to guarantee him some credit from the woman he called 'Minty'. Which was what everyone else called her too.

At three o'clock exactly, a pink Jaguar pulled up outside the front door and bit the security guard's leg. Michael put his wayward pet back in to her large vat of paint and went back to the house in anticipation.

At seventeen minutes past three, on the whistle, he heard the rumble of tyres on his gravel drive and saw a vast motorcade, stretching as far as the eye could see approaching his house.

Making nervously excited bowel sounds Michael opened the door and hugged politely the perfectly formed figure of Minty Tallulah and welcomed her for afternoon tea.

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Ah, what a delightful day it had turned out to be. They enjoyed a fine cup of tea, and scones, and talked about the weather and state of the economy in the military state of Myanmar, formely Burma. His thirst for intelligent conversation finally met. He showed her Arthur the Gnome, and she loved the wee figurine. They pranced around the garden, singing happily and it was simply too good to be true.

At six minutes to five precisely, Minty announced she would be leaving. He walked her to her large, expensive looking car, and within minutes, the huge motorcade was but a speck of dust in the distance.

Happily, he walked back to his house, closed the door and chanced upon a note, left to him by the recently departed songstress.

Dear Michael, We cannot carry on this forbidden romance. It breaketh my heart to tell you this. We cannot see each other again. My heart killeth me with sorrow, as your feet killeth me with thine smell. But I remain truly yours, forever. All my love, Minty Tallulah.

Michael broke down and wept.

There was no way he would let their afternoon tea of true bliss be their last. He would pursue the womans love once more, and ultimately have her round for a spot of Dinner, perhaps on a tuesday sometime. His resolve strengthened, and with a still heavy heart, he went off to watch another Christmas Special of Only Fools and Horses.

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