SweatyBob

Part 5 - September A promising start to the season carries us into September on a wave of optimism. Though the days become shorter and the nights draw in earlier it's still a warm and pleasant land and none of the players have yet turned up for training wearing a snood. Some gloves have appeared but I remind myself that times have changed and with it so must I. Under-Armour though? No lad, it's a vest - don't try and make it sound manly. Anyway...It's time to head to West Ham and these two lovely progressive chaps. Match 5. Premier League - West Ham (A) Back to the capital and today our hosts are West Ham. They're definitely the favourites but I reckon we can get a result at the soulless Taxpayers Stadium or whatever their porn flogging owners call it these days. A Nacer Chadli free kick puts us ahead on 35 minutes before the Premier League is rocked by a Snodgrass equaliser in the 54th minute. We're involved in a game that won't finish 1-0....Unbelievable Jeff. As it is there are no more goals and although West Ham are the slightly better team a draw is a fair result 1-1 DRAW We get some good news on the injury front with Escalante fit to play and both Galloway and Rondon returning imminently. Rondon however immediately tears his hamstring again and will be out for another 7-8 weeks and has yet to play a competitive game for me. There's something powerful conspiring against me and I'm beginning to wonder whether I'll need to make a blood sacrifice to the footballing Gods in return for non-twanging Venezuelan hamstrings. Next player to make a big mistake may well be the offering. Match 6. Premier League - Burnley (H) Sean Dyche's men come to WBA and I remind all my staff not to laugh at his little ginger goatee. A well worked free kick sees Ontiveros put clean through on the edge of the six yard box and he scores his 1st of the season. We restrict Burnley to long shots and for the last 20 drop into our defensive tactic and shut down the game in our usual dour fashion. Normal business is resumed. 1-0 WIN Match 7. EFL Cup 3rd Round - Crystal Palace (H) Despite only getting a narrow win over League 2 opposition in the previous round I still go in for heavy rotation for the visit of Premier League opposition. Boaz Myhill, Sam Field, Javi Munoz, Jake Livermore, Brendan Galloway and Matt Phillips all come into the starting 11. Livermore and Galloway are returning from injury and Phillips has been whining about a lack of 1st team action so it's the perfect opportunity to bring them in. Another tight game with little to recommend it is settled by a Livermore thunderbolt from 25 yards. Coupled with a fine performance in goal from Myhill and a composed debut for Galloway it's enough to see us into the next round. 1-0 WIN Match 8. Premier League - Middlesbrough (A) Boro have been beaten in all their Premier League games so far and have managed only 2 goals in 5 games which both came against Arsenal in a 2-3 home defeat. A 6-0 thumping at West Ham further illustrates that all is not right at The Riverside and their latest stay in the PL may be a short one. The utter yo-yo's. We're straight out of the blocks and have made 4 chances in the first 4 minutes. The breakthrough comes when good work on the wing from Phillips sets up a Viatri near post header on 7 minutes and I dare to dream of us going wild and actually scoring 2 in a match. There is a blip though. Traore goes wide with the ball and lifts a fairly harmless looking ball right into the arms of Ben Foster. My keeper then fumbles what is an easy no pressure catch straight to the feet of Negredo who can't believe his luck as he taps in the equaliser. The first half plays out with us dominating but failing to score and by halftime Ben Foster is top of the list as chosen offering for Rondon's hamstring. Fortunately for Big Ben, our RB Allan Nyom gets in behind the Middlesbrough fullback near the start of the 2nd half and hits a quality ball into the near post area. That man Viatri is there once again with a well timed run and hits a first time shot past Valdes. Viatri is then fouled in the box by Negredo during a corner and a penalty is awarded. My Argentinian forward is on a hat-trick but for some reason young Javier Ontiveros steps up and scores. You've got to admire his gumption. We continue to boss the game but add no more goals. Still, it's a goal frenzy for us and I get on the phone to the groundsman and tell him I don't need that giant wicker man building just yet. 3-1 WIN That was our final game of September and our good start has continued. We're in 5th place and 3 points behind leaders Arsenal. We probably aren't going to keep this up but the poor performance so far of the bottom 5 suggests the magic 40 point mark may actually be a little lower this season and a comfortable mid-table finish should be achievable. There's plenty that can still go wrong and the fixture list has been kind so far but equally we've yet to get fully familiar with our tactics so reasons to be cheerful. It won't last though. It never does.

Part 5 - Not high scorers One win, one loss. Nobody likes getting beat but we can take some positives from the narrow defeat at Arsenal. They're a much better side than we are and we've several injuries but we handled it fairly well and their only goal came from a player mistake and a clear tactical error in giving their full-backs too much freedom to hurt us. But the most important thing is that we learn from it and then agree that it was James McLeans fault entirely and be done with it. Onwards and upwards, we go again, put it behind us and other trite cliches. A break from the Premier League beckons..... Match 3. EFL Cup 2nd Rd - Portsmouth (H) Home to a League 2 team is not a bad draw at all. I could do with looking at a few back-up players and trying to get our forward play clicking against a side we shouldn't be too troubled by at the back. I ring the changes and hand a debut to 16yr old RB Kane Wilson. He's nowhere near ready for regular first team action but he's probably the player with the highest potential in my academy. 18yr old midfielder Sam Field and 17yr old winger/striker Jonathan Leko are also given starts. I opt for my more balance formation due to the selection of a second string but still expect a comfortable and polished win. What I get is a stilted awkward performance with absolutely nothing of merit until I ring the changes and go attacking in the last 30 mins. Even then I can't break through until extra-time when substitute Kenedy rifles home a 114th minute winner. This was not what I had in mind and I can't really afford 120 minute midweek game with this squad. 1-0 WIN AET The scrappy 120 minutes shows that I really need more numbers in this squad but the options are few and far between so I once again opt for the cheap and potentially disastrous option and loan in Real Madrids young fullback Alvaro Tejero. He's by no means an outstanding talent and looks destined for an unspectacular career but he is versatile and being Spanish adds to what is swiftly becoming the Midlands fastest growing community. I think Brexit might be my fault. No time to ponder the effects of WBA's slack immigration policy though as we have another match. Match 4. Premier League - Southampton (H) I'll take that. I put out the strongest side I can despite injuries and some heavy legs from midweek and am rewarded with a victory. We're clearly the better side and are comfortable throughout. Southampton manage 10 shots but 9 are from long range and only 1 is on target. We manage 12 with 6 long and 5 on target. Not perfect but much better than the opponent. Our winner comes from Leandro Cabrera who is still in the box when a corner initially breaks down but we quickly regain posession and the resultant cross falls to his feet and he strikes from 10 yards. He's had a very good start to his WBA career and is quickly dispelling all the unfair stereotypes of South American defenders that the obnoxious British football media throw about. Yes, the media. Not me. Nope, not at all. 1-0 WIN And just like that, August has come and gone. I don't get involved in the craziness of deadline day apart from letting Leko go to Sheff Weds on loan. I'm much too organised and disciplined to get involved in all that last minute panic buying. Plus I've utterly scraped the bottom out of the barrel of footballers whose own parents haven't even heard of them. In review though it's not been a bad start. The tactics are kind of doing what I want them to do and though the performances have been somewhere between decent and encouraging rather that flat out good there's reason for optimism. The defending has been especially impressive with 2 wins and only one close loss away to one of the top sides. And more satisfying than that has been the despicably miserly way we've set about it... I'm the abominable spawn of George Graham and Tony Pulis.... and Sam Allardyce is my cool uncle.

I will gladly take your wishes of luck, begrudging or not I'm an Evertonian and there's no way I'd wish anyone any luck with a Liverpool save so I'm really rather touched at your stance. Kind of you to say but it would have been equally unlucky for Arsenal if they hadn't won. They were comfortably the better side. It's very disappointing to have missed out on a sullen Arsene Wenger refusing a handshake at the end of the match though. It's fun to base your entire footballing philosophy on buying non-descript players with exotic sounding names isn't it. Not productive or successful but still, it's fun.

"Robert Plant, Phil Lynott, Denise Lewis OBE, some of Judas Priest, Frank Skinner and Matthew "3rd National Television Awards Most Popular Newcomer" Marsden. OK, so this is all based on Wikipedia and some of these people may only have been born in the town's Hallam Hospital " I wasn't claiming they were all WBA fans. Merely that they were born in West Bromwich.

Part 4 - 1-0 to the Albion...or whoever the opponent is Preseason is all well and good and the Community Shield is a nice reminder that it's nearly here but nothing beats that first competitive league game of the season. Falling straight back into your matchday routine, the anticipation of glory to come, seeing the new signings strut their stuff in your teams colours and the realisation that there is still not one half decent pundit with anything remotely interesting or insightful to say. Not one of them. The utter tools... But I'm not here to complain about people getting paid extortionate amounts to repeat cliches, I'm here to document the swashbuckling tale of WBA's 2016/17 season and the heady thrills that entail. Match 1. Premier League - Swansea (H) They have Sigurdsson and quite a bit of pace out wide but they're one of the teams in the Premier League who are around our level and being at home we should see this as being very winnable. I opt for a more attacking formation and unleash my underwhelming three pronged attack of Kenedy, Ontaviros and Viatri on them with Cabrera, Ricca and Munoz also starting. We're the better team but given the number of debutants we understandably aren't quite clicking and although we're on top it's still 0-0 going into the last 10 minutes and a draw is the most likely result. And then in a rare attack Swansea get a free kick just in my half which Routledge floats into the box. Young Ricca confidently heads it away and a potential counter is on but the whistle goes. Johnny Evans has given away a completely pointless penalty from a no danger situation in the 86th minute. I could understand it from my hot-headed South American contingent but good old Johnny? Why Johnny? Why? I sit there dejected as Gylfi steps up ready to slam home a late, undeserved winner. This isn't fair. This isn't right. MY GOD I LOVE YOU BEN FOSTER!!! Ben Foster gets it right and flings all 6'4" of his glorious self at the ball and pushes it wide. Gylfi didn't slam it home, it's still 0-0 and 2 minutes later Kenedy goes racing into the Swansea box and is cut down by Kyle Naughton! Penalty to WBA! Second yellow for Naughton! Overuse of exclamation marks! Dubutant Lucas Viatri steps home and confidently wins the game for us. We rode our luck but I don't care, 3 pts is 3 pts and a clean sheet to boot. 1-0 WIN Match 2. Premier League - Arsenal (A) This will be a bit tougher. Arsenal have much more quality than us all over the pitch and it's no exaggeration to say that none of my First XI would get a sniff of first team football if they transferred there. But football is a team sport first and foremost and if we keep our shape, concentrate, do the basics and don't make mistakes we can stink out the Emirates Stadium and ensure "Arsenal TV" becomes the sweariest broadcaster ever. I opt for my defensive formation, with a crowded defensive area and my wingers marking and keeping close to the Arsenal wingers. It works in nullifying the Arsenal attacking unit but leaves way too much space for their fullbacks Monreal and Bellerin to get forward. We're punished for this as yet another unpressured cross comes in and James McClean makes a hash of dealing with it. Oxlade-Chamberlain is on hand to score. We go to a more attacking shape but are so prone to the Arsenal counter that I have no option but to drop back to my original shape with a slightly more attacking style hoping to grab something. As it is the game plays out with no real highlights and we head home with nothing. 0-1 LOSS

Part 3 - The best laid plans... Before our opening game against Swansea I'll share the fruits of our preseason. Using all my cunning and tactical nous I've come up with 3 slightly varying plans to infuriate, bamboozle and bore my opponents into submission. If successful then in a few years bloggers will be writing overly complimentary articles on pretentious football sites about my philosophy and Grandmaster like approach to the game. If we plummet then I'll stick two fingers up and claim that the structure of the club is hugely flawed, the board are out of touch, English football is in the stone age and that my only error was assuming that I was in charge of professional footballers who could carry out basic instructions. On the left is a defensive 4231 with two deep DM and supporting wingers who will have OI to track back and mark attacking opposition players. The forward and roaming playmaker are there as a pressure release which may give me a chance of grabbing a sucker punch goal. Don't let that minor concession to forward play fool you though. This tactic has shown itself capable of utterly stinking out games. In the centre is a more balanced 4141 with a couple more attacking roles and hopefully the flexibility to make minor adjustments as and when needed. On the right is the more attacking 4123 for when I'm the better side or need to attack. This has actually provided some decent football in pre-season with players actually being effective and stringing meaningful passes together. Rather unlike any team of mine if truth be told. None of these tactics have player roles set in stone as availability and opposition will always influence what we can and cannot do. It's more a case of them being solid foundations to help get the players familiar with different shapes and styles to maximise my options. That's what I tell myself but after two defeats I'll probably crack and switch to a bizzare lop-sided two at the back with 3 shadow strikers and a ramdeuter in a desperate attempt to win. With the tactics all set up I've just enough time to go and grab an emergency leftback. I once again return to Malaga and loan in Uruguayan youth international Federico Ricca. He's aggressive, lacks composure and shares many similar flaws to Cabrera but he's got a good engine, can tackle and puts a decent ball in from wide. He'll be fine.

Part 2 - Pre-Season I distinctly remember thinking that I had plenty of cover at fullback. In fact, I was so sure of it that sent Marc Wilson back to Bournemouth to free up a loan space. And then I got my tactics up and tried to pick a team and realised I wasn't actually that blessed with fullbacks. Chris Brunt is out injured leaving on-loan Brendan Galloway as my only senior player who can fill in at leftback and I prefer him in the centre due to him actually having some pace and mobility. Acting on this I decide to go scouting but pickings are slim as my scouting team seems to have a less knowledge of the world than the Flat Earth Society. So I recruit a few scouts whose knowledge indicates that they've actually travelled further than Dudley and cast them out far and wide across the Seven Seas to bring me tales of slightly substandard footballers with a European second nationality to get around work permit issues. Argentinian legend Roberto Ayala is the pick of my new scouting team and at 43 years old is probably still quicker than my current centre half pairing of Jonas Olsson and Gareth McAuley. His knowledge of Spain and and South America immediately uncovers a trove of Spanish players who despite being fairly technically gifted have never quite made it beyond their respective B & C teams. He also uncovers a rich seam of dubious Argentinian hatchet men and lightweight Brazilian playmakers with incredibly long names. I've been here before but I just can't help myself. I know I'm going to waste the clubs money on a clique of Spanish and Portuguese speaking players with absolutely no grasp of English and a real aversion to Premier League football. I just know it. First in are a couple of loans. Javier Ontiveros is an 18 year old Spanish winger and may well go onto great things. He was being looked at by some of the bigger clubs so to swoop in under the radar and grab him on loan from Malaga from under the noses of Chelsea, Man Utd, Man City and Liverpool feels good. The talented young Brazilian Kenedy from Chelsea is another arrival. They both have only a basic grasp of English but the age old British technique of pointing and and adding "io" to words should pretty much get the message across...."Trackio backio their wingereno senor, then kickio the git". I could do with another centre half and look to bring in a bit of proven Premier League experience and know how. A real rock and source of stability who is well worth splashing a good chunk of my budget on. What I end up with is an £825,000 Uruguayan who has spent the last 6 years floating around the Spanish lower leagues with 5 different clubs. But he's big, strong, fairly speedy and has good mental and technical values. Questions may be asked about his suitability but I assure myself that the undisciplined ticking time bomb view of South American defenders is nothing more than a lazy racist trope and there's no way he'll let me down. His high aggression, low composure and preferred moves which include "Dives Into Tackles" are absolutely nothing to worry about . Welcome to The Hawthorns Leandro Cabrera. Real Madrid's C team supply me with a new centre midfielder going by the name of Javi Munoz. He hasn't exactly set the world alight but my scout seems to rate his potential and for £250,000 I suppose it's worth a punt on the Spanish 21 year old. He speaks fluent English so even if young Javi is no Xavi he can double up as a translator. Never did Jose any harm in the long run. My urgent need of another striker is intensified when Rondon tears his hamstring and looks to be out of action for 6 weeks. Once I've stopped shaking my fists, crying and screaming at the simulated football Gods I pull myself together, put down the whiskey bottle and start looking. The only European strikers I can attract and who might be what I need are Dimitar Berbatov and Klass-Jan Huntelaar. Both are past their best and want ridiculous wages which is pretty much out of the question as it seems Darren Fletcher has a contract clause to match the top earner. I must thank the board for that particular gem. As my European scouting network has failed me then I must again peruse Roberto Ayala's already well thumbed list of obscure Spanish, Portuguese and South American footballers and see what magic turns up. The well travelled Lucas Viatri soon adds WBA to his long list of clubs which includes such luminaries as Shenghua and Maracaibo (No, me neither). He's Argentine/Italian and looks like a decent sort for holding up play, is a good finisher and can play with his back to goal. He's only £925,000 and I'm convinced he could be really effective if deployed correctly. I'm sure there's a debate to be had whether or not I'm the manager to handle such deployment but that's just negative, hurtful and really quite unfair. Well, maybe not unfair. Next up see's me push the boat out and agree an £8M deal with Eibar for Gonzalo Escalante who swaps the Basque Country for the Black Country . He has a full season of top flight football under his belt and provides some much needed steel, resolve and footballing ability to my midfield. . He was being scouted by AC Milan, PSG, Man City and Lazio but where they dithered I was decisive and get my man. It's the first transfer that I see as a vital first team player who clearly improves the side. And it'd just be plain unlucky if another vital cog got injured after the Rondon unpleasantness. Away from transfers there's the issue of friendly matches to play. There are two narrow 1-0 defeats to Koln & Hamburg and wins over Auxerre, York and an especially good performance against Werder Bremen. Although it's only 2-0 the football on show is very good and the defence always looks solid and untroubled. Our final run-out is away to Hong Kong's Eastern Athletic Association and I'm less than impressed with the boards pre-season planning but after around 20 minutes of lovely football with a couple of goals to boot I'm beginning to see the benefits. A bit more fitness, tactical familiarity, the confidence a stylish zestful win brings are only going to benefit us. And of course the inevitable 4-6 week injuries to my only fit left-back Brendan Galloway and brand new vital cog Gonzalo Escalante. I hate Eastern Athletic Association. I hate the board. I hate this game. And with that pre-season is almost over. Now I just have to buy and bed in a new left back before my opening league game against Paul Clement's Swansea. God I wish Bob Bradley was still there.....

West Brom? Why West Brom? WBA have been around a long time but their glory years have long since passed and since then there's been periods of minor success, near success but more notably a lot more periods of no success / major decline. They're based in a former industrial town that has also seen much better days and is perhaps not seen as the most fashionable or desirable area to be around. The locals have an accent which is often the subject of less than kind appraisal and it's generally seen as slightly run-down with little to recommend it. Oh wait, I've just described myself. We're a perfect fit. That's why West Brom. We'll show those cosmopolitan elites and football snobs the true power of the Black Country. Tremble you mere mortals for we have the pride of West Bromwich behind us - Robert Plant, Phil Lynott, Denise Lewis OBE, some of Judas Priest, Frank Skinner and Matthew "3rd National Television Awards Most Popular Newcomer" Marsden. OK, so this is all based on Wikipedia and some of these people may only have been born in the town's Hallam Hospital and never actually lived in West Bromwich but they still kind of count. And Judas Priest's Ian Hill is pure West Brom so there. So onto character creation. I go for Former International, whack in the stats with a leaning to attacking coaching and hit Random Face until something appears which looks like an aged Terry McDermott has formed a Village People tribute band. It feels right and I go with it...WBA / YMCA? It's not a million miles apart. Let's meet with the The Board. They have no philosophies to adhere to, a £16M war-chest to spend and I'm not entirely sure what their season expectations are. It's not that I wasn't paying attention but I bumped into Claudio Yacob on the way into the boardroom and I'm still lost in those brown eyes...He's like a Dornish prince. Ahem, let's take a quick look at the squad assessment before I get stuck into that vast transfer budget. On the plus size we're good in the air, have plenty of full backs and in Foster, Evans, Yacob and Rondon we're pretty decent down the spine of the team. The negatives are that I've replaced Tony Pulis before he's had the time to Stoke up the squad and as such there are question marks over work ethic, teamwork, aggression and commitment. There are also problems with depth in goal, up front, first touch and decision making. Basically everything. So we're not great at sexy football or particularly good at snide anti-football but we are quite tall. This might be a problem on the pitch but the flipside is that we won't have to get the stepladder out if the lightbulb goes in the dressing room. See? It's all about finding the positives. Let's take a proper look at the players though. In goal Ben Foster's a very decent No.1 and Myhill is the dictionary definition of experienced backup keeper and shouldn't let me down but I can see the need for a bit of competition and depth. As mentioned earlier there's a lot of fullbacks thanks in large to the versatility of a number of players. Olsson and McAuley are big, composed and brave but physically have all the speed of a pro cyclist with a puncture, a snapped chain and no access to performance enhancing drugs. That may need looking at. Midfield has a decent looking combination of solid defensive minded graft, some pace in wide positions, a touch of technique which I'm fairly happy with for now. There's also a certain brown eyed Argentinian prince.... Up front there's Rondon who is arguably the best player in the squad and a prized asset. There's also Hal Robson-Kanu and a 17 year old called Jonathan Leko with a fair bit of potential but up top is maybe not the best role for either of them. It's probably the area which most needs a boost and could yet get worse as Everton are already eyeing up my Venezuelan Messi. Okay so I'm slightly exaggerating his talents but Bill Kenwright started it when he told Arsene Wenger that Francis Jeffers was great. It's a squad that's got well drilled, organised banks of 4 with a spoiling DM written all over it. Rondon up front with pacey widemen who track back and just maybe, if we're feeling particularly sexy, a slightly attacking CM galloping up in support going forward. It may not be pretty, it may be a touch negative and we'll have to ensure there's a parking bay suitable for long vehicles marked out in front of our goal but it'll wind up Mourinho, Wenger and Klopp no end if it works and isn't that what the beautiful game is really all about? Next up it'll be pre-season and hopefully some transfers to slot seamlessly into my ultra effective gameplan. That's before I realise I'm totally out of my depth and don't know what I'm doing. Then it's panic, rip up my tactics right before the first league match and come up with an even worse gameplan that renders all the signings I've made completely redundant. Same as it ever was.

Hugely irritating part of the game. One negative, one positive and one on the fence regardless of the actual subject. FM should strip everything like this until they can simulate it properly. Even then I'm not sure twitter has any impact on any important decisions made in football. Social media is just another advertising platform for clubs & players.

Sounds like it - I'd post in the Bugs Forum if you want a definite answer though.

Develop young talent, either through the academy or with what you can get in, and flog for large amounts. Everton did it pretty much all though the 90's/00's, albeit at a larger scale, with the likes of Rooney and Jeffers from the academy supplemented with sales of lesser well known academy players who still brought money in such as Michael Ball, Richard Dunne and Gavin McCann. Add to this good development of cheap signings such as Lescott and Stones who were sold for huge amounts later on and there is a viable way to go about it - just a few less zeros at the end of the transfer fees lower down the leagues but the model is the same. Southampton have done it exceptionally well in more recent years. The entire Portuguese top flight is more or less only financially viable through this model. I sympathise with those who feel that it's now impossible to take a minnow to the top, non league to Champions League, but in reality that's an almost impossible task without massive financial investment which in and of itself dispels the minnow tag straight away. Personally I'm quite excited about my current Hard Brexit game. Although I am currently a top flight CL winning team and it won't kill my ability to make required signings I am going to save the game once the Brexit rules kick in and use that file as a launching point for an alternative save with a minnow. Should be fun, albeit frustrating!

The flaw there is that Koscielny, Van Dijk and Alderweireld would have all qualified for work permits due to international appearances. And Everton managed to get the cheapest defender of the lot - Stones £3.5M from Barnsley, a place most definitely not on the continent.

I've seen Wanyama go there for £53M - The highest player I've sold there is Bolasie for £27M. I think it really slows down in the later season as the squads are limited to 5 foreign players. As they offer massive wages then these players stay there for their duration of their contract and cannot be sold due to these wages. In later years the club can't go out and buy more due to their already massive wage bill and lack of registration space in their squad.

I started with Everton and in the first two seasons I sold quite a few fringe players to Chinese clubs. It seems to have tailed off a little in the 4/5th season though.

My Brexit has EU players requiring a work permit.