Things we should be able to tell our players - a list of suggestions

Right, what I'd like to do here is have a thread where we post examples and situations where we would like to be able to speak to our players and what we'd like to be able to say. So I'll start with one that really bothers me:

- I would like you to go out on loan. We've been eliminated from the Cups much earlier than expected and I want you to get more first team football than I'm currently able to offer you. Your development is important and, for the time being, it would be best if you were playing every week somewhere else.

Stop asking me to go out on loan. We have the best training facilities in the world, your being tutored by some of the best players in the world, quit asking me to go on loan every week. I gave you an answer a few days, and three days have passed. Why do you think I've changed my mind. The answer was no three days ago, it will be no in another three days when you ask me again. Going on loan to a team two divisions below us will be worth about 5 points in your CA throughout the season. Staying and training with us, will see an increase of closer to 20 CA points.

Please for the love of God, NO means NO.

- I would play you, but the players in your position are currently performing well.

- If you do not learn this new position, you will not fit into my system.

- I particularly want you to try and link up with X more on the pitch.

- I promise I will sit down for contract talks with you once the league season is over. Until I know which division we are playing in next season, it is difficult to budget accordingly.

- I just want you to focus on kicking this opposition player as early and as hard as possible. They are a one man team, and with him off the pitch, your job will be much easier. I don't mind if you get booked for it.

- Get a haircut, hippy.

'If you embarrass me that badly again in the second half, I swear I'll kick your backside so hard you'll clear the main stand.'

'For god's sake stop shooting from practically the corner flag about twenty times per match.'

Stop asking me to go out on loan. We have the best training facilities in the world, your being tutored by some of the best players in the world, quit asking me to go on loan every week. I gave you an answer a few days, and three days have passed. Why do you think I've changed my mind. The answer was no three days ago, it will be no in another three days when you ask me again. Going on loan to a team two divisions below us will be worth about 5 points in your CA throughout the season. Staying and training with us, will see an increase of closer to 20 CA points.

Please for the love of God, NO means NO.

And in any case, the transfer window is closed and I can't send you out on loan even if I wanted to.

'For god's sake stop shooting from practically the corner flag about twenty times per match.'

That's a bug imo.

That's a bug imo.

You should still be able to physically assault your players at full time for doing it though.

I'm old school management me.

Personally I'd drag the player out to the point he shot from and rub his nose in it.

Probably start whining. I don't put up with whining either. Minute someone starts whining they get dumped in the reserves. If it keeps up they get fined as often as possible and retrained as a goalie.

How about "I promised I would sell you and I've been trying to sell you but no one is interested."

I sell people if they have the temerity to have agents who expect me to make the opening offer. Which brings me to another:

- Look, tell me what you want in your contract or get out.

- If you don't want to tutor who I ask you to, when I ask you to, then you might as well leave now because this was the only reason I signed you.

I think the responses to 'I want to know why you fined me?' are too limited.

I had a guy season just gone who got sent off for two yellows three times in the space of ten matches or so. He's reasonably professional, yet after I just warned him the first two times he kicked up a stink after I fined him the third. I'm not sure why there isn't a 'because you've been a complete idiot yet again despite the fact I've warned you over and over' response.

How about "I promised I would sell you and I've been trying to sell you but no one is interested."

Definitely this. Or even "I'm happy for your agent to find you a new club."

Stop asking me to go out on loan. We have the best training facilities in the world, your being tutored by some of the best players in the world, quit asking me to go on loan every week. I gave you an answer a few days, and three days have passed. Why do you think I've changed my mind. The answer was no three days ago, it will be no in another three days when you ask me again. Going on loan to a team two divisions below us will be worth about 5 points in your CA throughout the season. Staying and training with us, will see an increase of closer to 20 CA points.

Please for the love of God, NO means NO.

haha this.

When a player comes to ask me the "me and the lads believe this club is underacheiving, and I want to know what do you plan to do about it", I would very much like an option that says something along the lines like:

"Maybe if you would buck up your ideas on the pitch, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

- I do not want any of you to shoot from free kicks. Ever. None of you are good enough to score directly from a free kick. Stop trying. If you disobey this, you will be dropped.

- One move dive from you and I'll break your knees so you stay down.

- Since when did you believe this was a democracy? When I tell you to come in for a talk, you do. I'm not asking.

- I didn't ask you if you liked the player. I asked you to mentor him. Make him into someone you do like.

"I haven't broken my promise. I did try to sell you but no one is interested"

"You will get your chance in the first team when they stop performing. Right now the guy in your position is doing the business"

"You are being fined because you received a warning last time you lunged in two-footed, and you've gone and done it again"

So much potential for player interaction.

"I haven't broken my promise. I did try to sell you but no one is interested"

Oh yes, lots and lots of this. And on a related note, when a player says he wants to move to a bigger club, I'd like to be able to say:

"There's no bigger club that would have you if you keep performing like you have been. You're a striker that hasn't scored since November, and it's now March. Exactly which bigger club do you think would have you?"

If you are going to flounce off claiming you cant play for me and our relationship has broken down please try and stick to your guns and not end up back to superb morale after 2 games....i am only playing you to get clubs interested but now you wont leave because you are happy you bipolar ****wit!!!

"If you want to be removed from the transfer list (which was your choice to go on in the first place) please don't come back in 2 days asking why you aren't getting first team football and demanding to leave again."

- Look, Adam Campbell is shorter than my mum, please stop hitting long balls to his head.

- You know the grass and the ball apparently have a thing for each other. Let's try and keep them together to see what happens.

Also, we need a Sarcastic tone, where everything you pick means the opposite.

Also, we need a Sarcastic tone, where everything you pick means the opposite.

Oh yeah, that's a really good idea.

Your face is a good idea

Oh yes, lots and lots of this. And on a related note, when a player says he wants to move to a bigger club, I'd like to be able to say:

"There's no bigger club that would have you if you keep performing like you have been. You're a striker that hasn't scored since November, and it's now March. Exactly which bigger club do you think would have you?"

We should also have a Jamie Carragher style "Bigger than Liverpool, whats bigger than Liverpool" (with a straight face) which we can apply. Even when we are playing as Wycome or Stenhousemuir.

I'd like to tell my players to train harder without promising them first team football. Two of my top talents haven't improved even a tiny bit in 6 months and I'd like the option to tell them to train harder to get their career back on track.

--Is there something about distribute to defenders you don't understand? If I see you hoof one more ball to midfield, I'm going to hang you from the crossbar.

--I don't care if you're a striker. You're playing a F9/DLF and are going to go a few games without scoring sometimes. As long as the team is winning, be satisfied with doing your job well and quit worrying about your stats.

--Did passing to a teammate who wasn't looking work in elementary school? No? What makes you think it will work in the Premier League then?

--You asked for a transfer. It's not my problem that no one is willing to pay you the wages you make here. Don't ask me to make up the difference. You have two choices: take what's been offered to you or rot in the reserves until your contract is up.

I sell people if they have the temerity to have agents who expect me to make the opening offer. Which brings me to another:

- Look, tell me what you want in your contract or get out.

The dialogue when you ask a player to fire his agent needs changing. Right now it's something like "I don't think your agent represents your best interests." That's not usually the case. When I want a player to find a new agent, it's because his current one represents his interests a little too well.

It should be something more along the lines of "I'm done talking to your jerk of an agent. Find a new one or find a new club."

Explain to me why as a 19 year old straight from a lower division club you think you/your client deserves 30k a week?

When it says you can talk to a player before you confirm his transfer to another team. I am selling you because I shelled out 120 million on you Sergio Aguero and your return was 10 goals in 40 odd games. My other strikers are doing fine but for some reason you are not and you dont justify 190k a week. Now bugger off!

When Ribery, Kroos and Gotze wont tutor Jack Grealish as they dont get on with eachother: You are 36 years old Franck, Act your damn age and help us nurture his talent. Of course he is an annoying little tit, I bet you were a ray of sunshine when you were 19!!!

"Your form last season was okay, but I've got 3 players on my shortlist who play in your position and their form last season was superb. Do you understand the difference between 'okay' and 'superb'?"

"You're homesick? Man up."

You dont like the way I conduct my team talks and how I talk to you? Then dont play like sunday league footballers then!

Love the sarcastic tone idea!

*Sarcastic* - Please keep on belting the ball into the side netting, even though you're a winger with 'cross more often' and 'shoot less often' instructions and there are three targets in the box looking for a cut back'

*Sarcastic* - 'You're playing just the exact way I want my FB/CB to play, i.e. there's a simple 5 yard pass on, but I prefer it when you belt the ball 40 yards directly across the field straight to that on-rushing opponent with a free run into our box'

*Sarcastic* - 'Yes, corner delivery instruction 'Penalty Area' includes targeting the guy standing ten yards outside the box'

*Sarcastic* - 'Go Route One, Pump Ball Into Box, Overload, and Take More Risks instructions include you strolling about with the ball in a 5 yard square while we're 1-0 down and there are 30 seconds to go until full-time.'

"Boss ive waited long enough and want first team football" (or generic 1st team footie request)

my reply should be able to be "one minute... who are you?"

When they come back asking the same thing you told them no to last week...

"Did I stutter?"

I'd also like to tell them they are a disgrace to the club after losing to relegation fodder!

These might be drifting away from the intent of the topic, I'm not sure, but I seem to be having regular problems with managing players' expectations. Now I know that's part of the game, but here's what I mean:

- A player comes to me in February and says he's unhappy with his playing time, I promise him I'll let him go at the end of the season. In April my assistant reminds me that the player is expecting to be transferred during this window. ??? In May, still before the summer transfer window has opened, he hands in a transfer request saying I've broken my promise. I'd like to be able to say something like, "If you thought I'd broken my promise to sell you, even though I didn't, then what's the point in handing in a transfer request when that's exactly the promise you think I've broken?"

- A player comes to me just after the last match of the season in May and says he hasn't been getting enough first team football. I respond that he's in my plans for next season. He demands to be sent out on loan. ??? By the time I could possibly send him out on loan, it will be next season, which is when I told him he'd be playing. I don't know what I'd like to be able to say about this one, maybe "You're not making any sense whatsoever?"

- Third one is a situation where I'd really like another option to present. A player comes to me a few days into July after I've already made some signings, saying he wants to go to a bigger club. My options are to claim he can match his ambition here, but I'll have to promise Europa league at a minimum, and I know from previous experience that the player will balk if I promise it, even though I actually believe we could qualify in the season after next. Or I could promise to bring in players, which I tried once before and it's simply not clear what standard you must meet to keep your promise. But what I really want to be able to do is say something like the following: "Look, you are a key member of a strategy that is building from youth. We just survived in the Bundesliga with an average age around 20 or possibly less. You are a key player here and still will be 2 years from now when we are a force in this country. If you go to a bigger club now you will languish for years in the reserves and be watching continental football from the bench."

Come on lads, please, there going to sack me you know, Jesus.

These might be drifting away from the intent of the topic, I'm not sure, but I seem to be having regular problems with managing players' expectations. Now I know that's part of the game, but here's what I mean:

- A player comes to me in February and says he's unhappy with his playing time, I promise him I'll let him go at the end of the season. In April my assistant reminds me that the player is expecting to be transferred during this window. ??? In May, still before the summer transfer window has opened, he hands in a transfer request saying I've broken my promise. I'd like to be able to say something like, "If you thought I'd broken my promise to sell you, even though I didn't, then what's the point in handing in a transfer request when that's exactly the promise you think I've broken?"

- A player comes to me just after the last match of the season in May and says he hasn't been getting enough first team football. I respond that he's in my plans for next season. He demands to be sent out on loan. ??? By the time I could possibly send him out on loan, it will be next season, which is when I told him he'd be playing. I don't know what I'd like to be able to say about this one, maybe "You're not making any sense whatsoever?"

- Third one is a situation where I'd really like another option to present. A player comes to me a few days into July after I've already made some signings, saying he wants to go to a bigger club. My options are to claim he can match his ambition here, but I'll have to promise Europa league at a minimum, and I know from previous experience that the player will balk if I promise it, even though I actually believe we could qualify in the season after next. Or I could promise to bring in players, which I tried once before and it's simply not clear what standard you must meet to keep your promise. But what I really want to be able to do is say something like the following: "Look, you are a key member of a strategy that is building from youth. We just survived in the Bundesliga with an average age around 20 or possibly less. You are a key player here and still will be 2 years from now when we are a force in this country. If you go to a bigger club now you will languish for years in the reserves and be watching continental football from the bench."

This. 100% agree. If these player interactions have to be in the game, then at least make players be a little more realistic. The expecting to be sold in this transfer window one is absurd. The bring better players in, I've never seen that actually work other than the player changing to "pleased to see moves are being made to strengthen the squad." Only for him to revert back a little later.

And most definitely the player comes complaining about lack of football, your not in my plans but you will be next season, then asking if he can go on loan to get some game time....Erm I know footballers have a reputation for being a bit dizzy, but you did just see that message about the last day that players can be loaned the game just gave....and the next day your asking to go on loan, knowing full well you can't ? Grrrr

The whole player interaction side of the game needs to be re-written or seriously tweaked, tbf. It regularly flips between mildly confusing and outright non-sensical right now, particularly the promises.

A while ago someone posted that they wished they could tell their GK "If you hoof the ball again I'll murder your family". Short, sweet and to the point

"There's a brazzer in this for you if you perform well"

These might be drifting away from the intent of the topic, I'm not sure, but I seem to be having regular problems with managing players' expectations. Now I know that's part of the game, but here's what I mean:

- Third one is a situation where I'd really like another option to present. A player comes to me a few days into July after I've already made some signings, saying he wants to go to a bigger club. My options are to claim he can match his ambition here, but I'll have to promise Europa league at a minimum, and I know from previous experience that the player will balk if I promise it, even though I actually believe we could qualify in the season after next. Or I could promise to bring in players, which I tried once before and it's simply not clear what standard you must meet to keep your promise. But what I really want to be able to do is say something like the following: "Look, you are a key member of a strategy that is building from youth. We just survived in the Bundesliga with an average age around 20 or possibly less. You are a key player here and still will be 2 years from now when we are a force in this country. If you go to a bigger club now you will languish for years in the reserves and be watching continental football from the bench."

Have a player that wants to move to a bigger club. I promised signings to improve the team (nevermind we are kind of rolling in the league and promotion looks in hand). A couple of weeks later I asked him to recommend someone. His response? "I can't think of anyone."

BAH! Then what good are you?

"You're a 16 year-old with a casual personality struggling to make an impact on youth football. I'm not asking you politely to learn at the feet of a world-renowned World Cup winner twice your age. I'm telling you."

"F*** off out my office."

--You're coming off a two month injury and aren't even fully match fit yet. Are you sure now is when you want to be asking for more playing time or a transfer?

--Kindly tell your idiot of an agent that 5 appearances in under 21 matches doesn't not make you recognized member of the national team and that in the future he might want to wait to demand new contracts for his defensive midfielder clients until after they prove they are capable of making more tackles than mistakes in league games.

Personally I'd drag the player out to the point he shot from and rub his nose in it.

tell him next time he'll be clearing dog **** up with his bare hands

Telling a player you'll try to find them a new club but no one is interested/the transfer window is shut so pipe down til January/the end of the season, or 'I know I promised you first team football, but there was an international break and then you got injured in training, hence you're getting no game time. Idiot.'

"When I put you on the transfer list, that means that I have no need for you. Your feelings on the matter is irrelevant, so wtf are you doing in my office!? By the way, on what planet would mouthing off to the boss who no longer wants you make him change his mind?"

In other words a call for a removal of the entire player interaction caused by transfer listing/loan listing. They are all absolutely nonsense.

Instead of having that kind of player interaction, which will serve an actual purpose in exactly 0% of the times they pop up, the player should simply inform you that he has engaged his agent in finding a new club for him, if even that is necessary. You'd just get bids from some clubs anyways.

They should fix the "not getting enough game time" and "time to move on" transfer requests so that they work 100% correctly, and then make it the player agent's job to find his client a new club. The board should then know that said player will never sign a new contract, and should therefore interfere at a much lower price than normal, based on how much time there is left on that contract.

A well-balanced and thought-out system like this would ensure that the AI could compete more with us humans, and make the player interactions actually matter.

On the other side of the coin we should see a conversation go like this:

'Yes, boss, you wanted to see me?'

'I think this meeting has run it's course'

'Er, ok, bye, you mentalist'